Chapter 17 - A Little Unsteady

Kat

"I think you should have Four take over your punishments," Are the first words Tris says to me after she gets back from taking Christina to the clinic.

I'm able to keep my cool because I was already expecting something from her after I watched her return right on Four's heels. I noticed that before she made her way to me, he held her back and was whispering furiously to her while making glares in Eric's direction. When he saw I was watching them, he quickly looked away, but I didn't need to see the guilt in his eyes to know he was up to something.

Now I see him lurking near and listening in as Tris follows whatever little scheme he came up with.

I take a breath and turn my head to look at her. "Why would you suggest I do that?"

She looks at me and frowns. Maybe because, for once, I'm able to keep my tone relatively flat and unemotional, or maybe it's because she genuinely doesn't know why I wouldn't want to follow her suggestion.

"Didn't you see what just happened? He hung her from the Chasm, Kat?"

I huff out a breath in frustration and try to do a mental count as I build my argument and hide my disappointment in her.

Fucking Four sticking his nose in where it's not wanted again!

"I don't even know where to begin with how ridiculous and insulting you are being right now," I shake my head in disgust and disappointment and know even as I say the words that they aren't going to help matters here.

I can already tell that Tris is worried about what happened with me and Peter, pissed over what happened with Christina, and all of that probably wasn't made any better by whatever Four said. Add to the fact that she's big sister mode and is probably reacting out of her need to protect me. My own anger isn't going to help the situation but I can't help it.

"I'm being ridiculous and insulting? How exactly do you figure that Mary Katherine?" Tris spits out in a tone I recognize all too well as her condescending, 'I know better than you because I'm older', tone.

It seems our old habits and resentment isn't as behind us as I thought, because I feel myself reacting just as I did before when she got like this on me.

"Well, Beatrice, where should I start? Let's start with the insulting aspect. You suggesting that I go above Eric's head and try to get my punishments handed to Four. What makes you think it would even be possible to do that? How exactly should I go about it? Were you thinking perhaps of me throwing out our father's name and his position? Because that would go over so well right, and of course it wouldn't make me even more of a target for leadership or anyone else that's questioning if I belong here."

"I…." She frowns and stops. Looking at me for several long seconds before I see her shake her head a little. "No, that wouldn't be good to do. I didn't think about that." She takes a deep breath but I can tell it's not over as her chin juts out stubbornly. "But that's even more reason for him not to be the one to handle your punishments. If he was willing to do that, to hang her over the Chasm, what is he going to do to you? Is he the kind of person that should even be allowed to train us much less be in charge…"

I can't help it. I can't stand another second of her bad mouthing Eric much less how dangerous it is for her to be talking about a leader of any faction but especially the one we want to be part of, in this manner.

Something in my eyes must do the job of getting her attention because she stops abruptly and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Are you out of your freaking mind right now, Tris?" I hiss at her and look around. Eric is watching us, I can tell as he looks my way and cuts his eyes back to the people in the ring, but thankfully he didn't hear what she had been saying.

There are a few people around. I'm just not sure what they heard or not. I see Tris looking around as well, her expression slightly chastened.

"Look, I know you've heard just as much as I have about a few of the leaders here." Not true, I'm sure I've heard lots more than my sister even with Four's input but I can play it off as it all came from our parents and Abnegation. "But I made a decision before I even came here that I'm not going to be like all those damn Erudite and Candor that decided to believe anything and everything they heard from rumors about our faction, including what was said about our parents. You can do the same or not, but if you're smart you will keep your opinions to yourself. This is our faction now, Tris. I might not like how everything is done here. I might not even like most of the people that I'm supposed to call my new family. But I will respect my leaders and trust that things are done the way they are for a reason. And if I feel like they aren't for a good reason then I will make damn sure that I work my hardest to get myself in a position to do something about it. Something besides badmouth and tear it down."

I gasp for breath at how forceful and fast I got all of that out. I'm thankful I was able to keep the volume low enough that it shouldn't be drawing much attention. I'm sure freaking Four is listening but I don't care about him right now. All my focus is on my sister.

She looks down at her feet, her arms are still crossed over her chest so she hasn't dropped her defensive posture much but I can tell she really listened to me and is processing it. So I keep going hoping to impress this on her and put it to rest here and now so she can focus on the fight she has coming.

"Tris, I had an advantage that you didn't with having met my friends before coming here. Now that you've gotten to know them yourself, I'm sure you can tell that Lynn is not one to mince words. She can be brutally honest at times but she also has one of the biggest hearts underneath it all. Lynn is everything about Dauntless that I've ever hoped for. What I said about her having a big heart is true, but make no mistake when I say that she has no issues with putting someone down if it were to come down to it. She is a protector and warrior through and through. But she and the other Dauntless-born, they've all had the benefit of living this life long before us so all of this is just facts of life and normal. It was one of the first things Lynn cautioned me on, to not come here thinking that the people who had the job to get us into shape and train us would have the luxury to be anything other than hard and almost cruel about it. So for me, when I look at Eric's actions, I see not just the cruelty behind them but the purpose. He didn't have to give her that chance, Tris. You realize this right? Christina gave up her fight and quit initiation when she did. We were all told that by James when he came to training and we were warned again before fights even started today by Eric. But for whatever reason, she ignored the warning. What else did you expect to happen?"

I take a calming breath while real hurt builds inside me, replacing the anger I felt. "The thing that has always driven me is that I never want what happened to me, to us, happen to anyone ever again. But if for some reason I'm faced with a situation like that again or I'm sent into a situation like that to help others, I want to be prepared. I want to be strong. The only way I'm going to be both prepared and strong is if we have people here that are willing to push us to make us that way. So is Eric the kind of person that I want training me? Yes, I want him to train me. I want a person that wants to make me stronger so I can protect myself and others rather than someone that would shelter me from whatever they think I can't or shouldn't have to handle. I would have thought that out of anyone that you would get that, Tris. That you and I, of all people, we would get it." My eyes burn as my voice gets rough and low with my emotions I'm trying to keep in check. "That you would get me." My voice breaks on the sob I shove back and try to hold down.

"Kat…" Tris gasps and reaches for me but I jerk back and shake my head.

"So as far as that suggestion goes, it's never going to happen. Whatever punishments I get in my time here I will serve them with who I'm told to. I'll serve Eric's with him and Four's just the same."

Tris nods and chews her bottom lip and looks down. Scuffing her foot against the concrete as she does so before she looks up at me again. "Can you just…" She stops and hesitates before she starts again. "Can you just be careful then? Be careful around him and...just in general?" She reaches out again and this time I don't stop her as she lays her hand softly over the arm that still has that thin bandage covering an already mostly healed wound.

I look at her hand on it and think that's not too hard of a promise to make to her because I do need to be careful, more aware. Not just to make sure I don't have a repeat careless moment, but because I know I'm going to have to be careful of my growing desire and feelings for Eric.

So yeah, I could make my sister that promise. A shifting of Four that I catch from the corner of my eye has a thought coming to my mind and I look at Tris with a soft smile.

"I'll promise that if you can promise me something in return."

"What?" She asks after only a second's hesitation.

"Find yourself here, who you were or are, who you've always been but were never allowed to be. Don't let others dictate how you should be, feel, think or act, anymore. Not even me, Tris. Form your own opinions about things but not based on what others are saying. We have a chance to make our own way here based on our choices. I just want them to be truly ours and not just because it was easier to go along with everyone else. Can you promise me that?"

The promise I wanted from her started out as a thought of trying to stop the prejudice Four has against Eric and pretty much anything he doesn't approve of. It became about so much more than that in the end.

I could practically see the wheels turning in my sister's mind as she goes over my words, processing them and breaking them down. It's an expression that seems to be the biggest trait we share with our father and how he is when he is thinking things over.

"Kat…" She starts out saying but then stops and sighs with a small smile and nod. "I can try too."

A small weight feels like it's been lifted from me as I realize I've just spoken things that I've held back and in for so long now. Though there was still so much else that I can't say, this a start for me, for us hopefully.

"If you can't keep your shit together and fight then get out of my ring...Initiate." Eric sneers the words from his side of the ring but I don't dare look his way.

It's all I can do to pull myself together and avoid another punch to the face from Drew's anvil-like fist.

What the hell had they been thinking of putting my fight after my sisters?

I know I only have myself to blame for losing it the way I did, so bad that Edward ended up with now has a split lip and Al might have lost the ability to father children. Even those two trying to restrain me hadn't been enough and it took Eric stepping in to put an end to whatever it was that possessed me as I watched Peter going after my sister so viciously.

Eric had hissed at me that I needed to keep it together but hadn't let go as the fight went on. While I did calm some, I was still struggling to go to her.

Tris ended up winning, barely, by using what we knew about his weak point. It had been enough to give her time to get up and deliver a hit that knocked him senseless and Eric bellowed out that it was over just a split second before she collapsed to the ground. I watched helplessly as she was lifted and carried to the clinic, wanting to go but knowing from one look into Eric's eyes that wasn't happening.

My fight was up and there was no getting out of it, and now I'm struggling badly. All my training and preparation feels like it's gone right out of the window. I feel scared, weak, helpless and a failure to be who my family needed me to be.

I feel exactly how Marcus used to make me feel.

Suddenly it's like the haze clears at the thought, and a growl leaves my throat. I refused to let him win back then and the hell if I'm going to let him win now. I need to get my shit together fast and I pray that the way I developed to use in these situations works for me. This will be the first time I've actually had to use it like I'm about to.

I mentally begin to center myself, which is slightly harder to do since I've never done this in the middle of a fight.

"Strength comes from an indomitable will, not physical capability,"

The sound of the first in my mantra series being spoken out loud surprises me as well as sets me on my path by giving me strength. I didn't mean to say it out loud but, it feels right.

The anger is pushed back, my worries for Tris fade and then I'm able to somewhat ignore the pain from the hits to my head and ribs that Drew landed. I start to think clearly about how the fight has gone so far, particularly how Drew fights. My mind starts to go over my own training and how I can handle the situation I've gotten myself in.

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."

Drew hasn't stopped coming at me but this time his actions are clearer to me and I'm able to read them before they come at me. I land a blow and dance away. He follows with trying to kick and punch me. For the next several seconds I'm able to avoid most hits, preventing myself from getting more damage.

But right now, I'm fighting defensively and that's not going to get me anywhere. I need to find a balance between the two. I get another hit on Drew but he lands one on me in the same spot of my ribs making me hiss in pain.

"Absorb what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own."

Later, when I think back on this fight, it will occur to me that for every thought I have as I try to get my bearings and come back from the mess I created by going into this so unfocused, I vocally answered it with mantras that fit the situation perfectly.

Later, when I'm grilled about this incident, I'll realize that my instinct told me to say these things out loud instead of just in my head. Not only to help myself, but also to unsettle my opponent.

I watch as he falters slightly with the last mantra and it gives me enough time to realize his next move before he makes it and prepare.

Drew moves in for a kick, going for a slightly higher one than the others he's attempted before. This time he's going for my side and the ribs he's been working on so far. Seeing this, I grab his leg then twist it and bring force down on it with my elbow. I hear the pop and his scream but I don't stop. I know it's not broken but at the very least dislocated. Not enough to prevent him from continuing the fight, so I keep going. At the moment he's still screaming and reeling from the pain, I yank him forward and elbow him in the face, making his head snap back.

Then I let him go with a shove to push him away from me at the same time as leap back just in time for his wild swing to miss as he roars in anger and pain. He sounds like a wounded beast, full on anguish. Any other time that would make me feel compassion and want to help him.

Right now though, it makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel like a hunter as I zero in on my prey.

"Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself."

"Shut up you fucking freak!" Drew rages, clutching his nose which is coursing in blood.

Drew is on the brink of something, I can see the loathing and hate in his eyes. I can see the desperation too. Between the damage I've been able to give him when he probably thought this was going to be an easy win for him, and how unsettling my words are, he's on an edge.

Chase's words float forward in my mind. The ones about seeing an opportunity and seizing it, and I know now is the time.

"To hell with circumstances, I create opportunities."

"I said, shut up you fre…" Drew never gets to finish.

He moved forward just before he yelled, about to launch another attack, but I saw he left his middle wide open and ripe for the taking.

I proved my words true by landing two hard blows to his midsection, causing him to double over and leaving his head exposed, or at least the back of it. I used my forearm to deliver another hit to the back of his head at the back of his skull to take him.

I knew he wasn't out at the point. So when he fell face forward I pounced again, straddling his back and pinning him to the ground and then raining a few more blows until I feel him go limp.

I don't move even after I know he's out. I don't know if I can move. I can barely breathe and just sit there panting as all the pain that I was able to ignore rushes back in full force.

I yelp and gasp as someone roughly grabs me and lifts me off Drew. My head falls back a little as I grimace and I look to see Eric glaring down at me. There's a tick at the side of his eye. The skin on his face looks to be tight against his cheekbones and his lips thinned so much they are almost white. His eyes move to the prone figure of Drew and his expression becomes almost murderous. He looks at the boy like he would tear him apart at any second.

He shifts and his big hands squeeze my middle a little, causing my ribs to be compressed as he tries to steady me on my feet. I can't stop the groan and his eyes snap over to me, that murderous look still in his eyes.

"Mark the winner as Kat." He even as he starts to drag me out of the ring. "Four, think you can manage to call this one?"

He doesn't wait for a reply to his sneered order/question as we make our way out of the door. I'm not sure where we're going or what to expect right now.

I can feel fury radiating from him and for the first time since coming to Dauntless, I'm actually afraid of the man holding me in a death grip as he drags me off to who knows where.