Chapter 18 - The Only Thing We Have To Fear
Eric
I know as soon as I saw Tris' name beside Peter's that it spelled trouble. I had this feeling that I couldn't shake and that got worse after Kat's verbal sparring with him. I knew he was going to take it out on Tris, so I expected it to be as bad as it got.
What I didn't expect but should have, was Kat's reaction. She freaked the fuck out. I had some idea that she would be upset and probably not handle it well, but holy fuck was I unprepared for what happened.
I'm trying to give all my attention to the fight, trying to make sure Peter doesn't take this shit too far and if I have to, step in. So at first, I don't realize how bad Kat really is until she shrieks and tries to launch herself into the ring.
Edward must have seen it coming well before I did because he grabs her and hauls her back. But it's not enough cause she's throwing elbows and struggling to get out of his hold.
And I do mean hold.
He had to go into a full-on wrestler hold and then was trying to calm her down. She breaks free of it after clocking him and Al steps in but that ends before he can even get ahold of her after she delivers a kick to his groin.
By this point, I see this isn't going to end well for anyone if I don't handle it and know I've gotta step in.
She doesn't stop fighting even when I grab her. I hate that I know I'm going to have to get rough with her. I know I'm going to have to be cold and cruel and come off as some uncaring asshole, but she needs to stop now.
"You need to keep it together, Kat" I hiss close to her ear after she's stopped fighting me somewhat. She finally looks up at me, her eyes looking unfocused and pupils completely were blown wide.
This looks chills me to the fucking bone coming from her. It's one I've seen on men in the middle of engagements or shortly after when they see who we've lost. It's haunted and rage-filled, almost mindless in the need for some kind of revenge.
I hate seeing that in her eyes. I hate knowing that it's from something in her past that's made her this way. I hate not knowing what it could be and wondering if I can handle finding out. I hate that it makes me feel fucking helpless.
By the time the fight is coming to an end, I'm fucking livid.
Livid at her. Livid at myself. But most of all I'm beyond livid at fucking Four.
The bastard that set this entire thing up and then walked out of the training room during the middle of it.
Walked. Out.
He couldn't stand the sight of the thing he himself arranged so he walked out and left me here to deal with this shit alone.
I'm about to call it enough when I see Tris stumbling and go to her hands and knees on the mat, shaking her head as if to clear it from the ringing I know it has to be doing after she got a blow to the side of her head. Peter looks like he's about to kick her while she's down and I figure she's already done for.
Then Tris does something completely unexpected by rearing up, pulling her arm back and then punching the boy straight in his junk.
Peter lets an anguished scream and drops like a ton of fucking bricks to the mat where Tris finishes him off with a punch that probably wasn't even really needed. Not with the way I saw his eyes roll up into the back of his head.
"Enough," I bark out when I think I see her about to try and get another hit.
I watch all fight leave the girl as she drops to the mat right there, crumpling forward since she never left her knees once she hit the mat.
"Let me go," Kat rages, desperately trying to get out of my hold.
I ignore that and her for the moment as I watch Four materialize and head straight for the ring. "Mark Tris as the winner. Get them both to the clinic." I spit out my orders and jerk Kat back as she managed to loosen my grip a little.
Four lifts and carries Tris out of the room with Al and Edward both struggling to get Peter out between them. Everyone else is looking at them as they go so I focus on Kat.
I spin her around to face me and shake her a little. "Stop it," I order her when she tries to break free again. My words and action are harsh enough to get some sense into her and she stops completely. Looking at me with those big green eyes that are just now starting to shine a little.
I grit my jaw and hate myself a little for what I'm about to do.
"You're up, Initiate. You either fight or you're out. Do you understand?" It kills me to see the anger she flashes at me but I held strong. "I won't repeat myself again, Stiff."
Her chin lifts and she jerks out of my hands, this time I let her. "Sir, yes, sir." She replies, her voice raspy and her eyes still burning with that anger.
"Drew, in the ring," I call out as I watch Kat walk stiffly towards it herself.
She's not in the state of mind for this shit but I don't have a choice. Not after what I said and demonstrated at the Chasm with Christina.
I move to another side of the ring to watch, far away from the others and pace as they face off against each other.
It feels like fucking forever that I watch her flounder. Watch take hit after hit, almost seeming like she wants too. Like she's not fighting back how I know she's capable of fighting, just so she can take the same thing her sister just did. I remember her issues with wanting to take pain medications for the same reason. Because she feels like it's her just punishment. Drew lands a hit to her ribs and I brace knowing I'm going to hear a snap or something. But something in me snaps.
I can't fucking do this. I'm not going to sit here in silence and watch her do this to herself.
I stomp up to get closer to the ring and slam my fist down on the mat. "If you can't keep your shit together and fight then get out of my ring...Initiate." I bark out at her.
I don't know how much good it will do and if it will get through to her but at least it gets her attention enough that she avoids the next few hits. I start to breathe a little easier when I see she isn't just freaking walking into his attacks like she had been before.
The tension in me eases, even more, when I realize that her retreats and strikes are much better thought out. Relief and even pride start to build inside me when I catch a good look and see that she is completely focused now. Her eyes are clear and calculating as they watch Drew.
"Strength comes from an indomitable will, not physical capability."
Her voice has a strange quality to it; flat and almost robotic. If she's using taunts as a tactic, that's an odd choice.
Drew hesitates just a second, looking like he can't tell if she was trying to insult him or not before he goes at her again. I watch as she seems to dance away, her head tilted and looking at Drew intently with an expression I can't place.
"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."
The words are said in that same tone again but they aren't as faint as they were before. They are said more firmly, with confidence ringing in them that the first ones were missing. That confidence seems to carry over to her fighting as her movements become more fluid and focused.
A tingle of apprehension starts to rise in me. I watch with that growing in and by the third time she speaks, I know that these aren't taunts, or at least they weren't meant to be but she's now using them as if they are. Once she saw how Drew responded to her speaking she decided to use it as a tactic as well.
"Absorb what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own."
It's seconds later after she intones this, in that same emotionless tone, that she strikes in a move so smooth and brutal it's like watching a completely different person up there. But by this time I recognize it for what is even if it's being used in a way I've never seen or heard of before.
She's just popped Drew's knee out of socket then elbowed him in the face hard enough to have blood coming out, telling me it's most likely broken and shoved him away from her while leaping back. That's just in time to avoid a wild swing while he bellows and curses her.
Something in her expression shifts and time seems to stand still as I watch everything I feared would be true about her confirmed right in front of my eyes. She almost looks pleased and grim all at the same time when she speaks the words that put the nail in the coffin on my doubts of her divergence.
"Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself."
I watch the next few minutes only half in the present. I know this will be over quickly and I'm still processing what I just confirmed.
That Kat is divergent.
Her actions, using a form of meditation to focus, aren't in themselves enough to confirm it but when added into everything else I know and have observed about her, it does. My mind is already racing thinking about the cameras and footage of the fights. Anyone in the know of what to look for in divergents that watches this will be suspicious.
Being able to use this technique in the middle of a fight is alarming enough but doing it vocally, and selecting the mantras she did. It's way too fucking telling for my comfort.
It was like she was answering all the emotional turmoil she had going on inside with them, which indicates Candor. The fact that she knew and was successful in using meditation in the first place indicates Erudite. Facing the pain and pushing through the fear and anger of watching her sister is clearly Dauntless. And the fact that I watch her end the fight quickly and precisely tells me she was trying to do this without causing more pain than absolutely necessary, which indicates Abnegation.
The combination of traits she used in the span of minutes is astounding. It's also scary as hell and leaves me shaken to my core when I realize that not only does this mean Kat is divergent but it likely means she's highly divergent. Making her everything Jeanine wants most and will stop at nothing to get.
The thought of what Jeanine would do to her if she ever got her hands on Kat leaves me seeing red and it's not made any fucking better when I see Kat hasn't made a single move to get up from where she's straddling Drew.
I don't even stop to think as I storm up there full of fury and rip her off him, ready to tear him apart for daring to put his hands on her. Only her cries of pain and the blood on her face stop me from doing that.
I see Four from the corner of my eye making his way to us, knowing he's going to want to take Kat to the clinic. Also knowing there's no damn way that's happening.
"Mark the winner as Kat. Four, think you can manage to call this one?" My orders and taunt are said as I lead Kat from the ring and towards the door of the training room. I don't hear if he even has an answer for me.
Kat is stumbling beside me, making me grit my teeth and resist the urge to just pick her little ass up and carry her to the clinic. She can still walk and I do have at least some sanity in me to know that would be a bad idea right now. I still set a fast pace as I drag her along and mentally curse how far the fucking clinic is from us.
"Eric?" Kat calls while trying to pull from my grasp.
It's identical enough to this morning that I would almost say it's deja vu. Except for this morning, there wasn't the tremor in her voice when she said my name that there was just now.
That's enough to stop me cold and have me spinning to face her. Her eyes are wide and I see fear in them for the first time as she looks at me. My hand tightens around her arm and she winces, making me release her completely and scowl at myself. "Fuck," I reach out for her, gently gripping her shoulders and pulling her closer. "I'm sorry, I didn't…" I stop in the middle of my apology, unable to take the apprehension in her eyes anymore.
"Are you scared of me, Kat?"
"A little, yes."
I don't know what bothers me the most, that she so truthfully admitted this to me or the fact that she is even remotely afraid of me.
I grind my teeth together and look around then lead her to a place where I know there is a blind spot in our surveillance. There are a few places like this all over Dauntless but they're usually used for couples, mostly dependents, that want a bit of privacy they can't get elsewhere.
Once we're there, I face her.
"Did it occur to you that maybe you should have lied when I asked you that question, Kat? That maybe admitting you're afraid, especially to someone like me, could be a big mistake?" I grit out in anger and hurt that she feels that way.
Her back is against the wall as she leans on it, hunched over just a little with a frown on her face and her nose scrunched up. "Truthfully, I wouldn't have hesitated to lie to anyone else about that, Eric." She stops and takes a deep breath and winces a little. "But there are few reasons why didn't."
"Which are?" I seethe.
"One, the fact that I know I'm a terrible liar and it would have made things worse with you if I had tried." She looks at me with her lips twisted in a wry smile that I don't feel up to returning. Then she clears her throat and continues. "But the main reason is that I wasn't afraid to admit that, my fear, not to you."
Sincerity and truthfulness are clear in her soft words for me. Combined with the fact that whatever fear or apprehension she had been feeling is gone from her eyes, it's enough to leave me speechless for a few seconds. Breathless even. It causes me to feel something so strong and fierce for her that it takes everything in me not to press her against that wall and kiss her until she can feel everything her words meant to me that I can't express in words. Until she's as breathless and speechless from my kiss, to make her feel everything that trust and faith she's placed in me makes me feel.
It also makes me wonder if it can be real. After being how I had to be and showing her that side of myself, how can she feel that way?
"Kat, do you meant that...even after I…"
"Saw how angry you were at me for failing you and myself? For not being able to keep my shit together when I needed it most. For almost proving everyone right about how I'm not cut out to be here. To be Dauntless."
She spits this all out, apparently completely disgusted with herself, and interrupts me from finishing my question. My mouth snaps shut and I shake my head in disbelief at how fast she just switched gears and emotions. More importantly, disbelief that she's totally disregarding my behavior but completely being over critical of her own.
While I know her critiques of herself aren't all wrong, that's not what I need to hear right now. That's not what I'm worried and focused on in this moment. I need to know she's not just saying that to evade talking about or admitting she might feel disgust for me. She says she's a terrible liar so maybe this is her way of not having to lie.
"Even after I showed you just how bad I can be. After I showed you how I am to almost everyone but those closest to me, but even they aren't exempt from catching it from time to time."
She's quiet for what feels like forever before she sighs and looks up at me and gives me a soft understanding smile.
"Eric, before you transferred over, did you learn everything you could about Dauntless? Did you learn about everyone that would be in charge of training and hold your fate in their hands or did you go into things blind?" Her tone is as soft as her smile but it's her implications that take me by surprise and leave me feeling uneasy.
I realize that she's heard things from Four about me but I didn't realize just how much she knew. It makes me wonder else she might now.
"If you know I was a transfer then you also know where I transferred from and our way was to prepare for anything."
She nodded and winced as she tried to straighten up, clutching at her side and taking a wheezing breath as she goes to speak again. "I knew what to expect coming here. I learned as much as I could from what we had available at school and everything else was what I learned from listening around. Lynn also told me what our trainers would be like, how they would have to be. You can't afford to be our friend when you're trying to teach us the skills that will keep us alive."
She tries to smile again but it just comes out as a grimace and she can't stop her groan though I know she tries when she bites her lip.
My gut clenches hard at the reminder that she's fucking hurt and I'm sitting here keeping her here, trying to talk about our feelings.
"Fuck," I growl and reach for her, slipping my arm around her waist to let her lean on me. "I'm going to get you to the clinic, Kat." She nods and we start to walk along to the clinic when I think about who should be on staff there.
I know Shauna should still be there, during fights the clinic has an 'all hands on deck' level of staffing. I know I'll feel better with Shauna being the one to see to her since there are a few of the nurses that I've always suspected report to Erudite, specifically Jeanine.
Then another thought strikes me and I grimace as I look at Kat. "Kat, when we get to the clinic you are to go nowhere near Peter again. He'll be there while you are but you are to stay away. Do understand?" I order her forcefully.
I need her to stay away and safe until I can take care of him myself but it's also to keep her from going at him again. I don't trust her to not lose it again when she's around him and that brief fire that lit in her eyes as soon as I said his name is enough to let me know I'm right.
She looks down and winces. "I kinda went crazy, didn't I?"
I simply nod with my lips thinned. "We'll talk about that later. Just add it to the list." I glance at her and see her nod back. "Getting you looked at comes first."
She blushes and bites her lips but doesn't object as we continue on to the clinic.
My plans to have Shauna looking after Kat almost don't seem like their going to happen when we step through the door of the clinic. Staff is bustling to and from different areas and there are a lot of beds taken up at the moment and from what I see, none of them are the initiates.
I forgot that there were reports of more incidents of drunken fights and falls around Dauntless since the choosing ceremony. Max has been bitching about the number of Patrol units off their rotations that have decided to come back to Dauntless this year.
I don't understand what the big deal is for them to be here during it when it's not like training is a spectator sport really. Sure, the members can and do show up in the Dauntless-born training room to watch it from time to time, especially during fights, but the rest of the time it's boring as shit. The part at the end of it is another matter but that's weeks away.
Looking at the clinic, I get Max's ranting emails about the nonsense he was putting up with while I was away. This is enough to have me start sending death glares at the guys I recognize. With one look promising them pain in their very near future as I stalk further into the room with Kat close to my side and search for a Shauna, or hell just a free nurse.
One walks by me, probably going somewhere since she has her hands full, but she's there and I'm impatient. She stops in her tracks with one look from me.
"Where are the initiates being treated at? This one needs to be seen too immediately." I demand from her since I don't see any of them, transfer or Dauntless-born, in the beds in this area.
"When we got a count for the number of initiates expected this year, we were given permission to set up beds in the old surgery section. They're all in there."
I grunt my approval and then motion for her to lead the way. Kat is silent and looking around at everything beside me. I've put a little space between us while still holding her arm and helping her to walk along.
Once, so long ago now that it was even before Max's time, Dauntless had its own little staffed hospital. It was better equipped with fully trained Dauntless personnel that could handle major things along with with the minor things that the clinic we now have handles. I guess, with the lack of Dauntless being able to get qualified as well as lack of budget to run it, this became another thing that was lost to us. I've heard that there was a push to open it back up again when Max first became a leader but because of the new meds and serums, it was dropped.
The reasoning seemed sound and logical to anyone that wasn't dealing with things that simply injecting those serums wouldn't prevent or heal. Things like the attack I was just in. I got lucky that Erudite had someone close to be able to tend to me and not only get the nanite filled serum injected into me to start holding off any more damage but had the training to do all the things a good medic should do. Had they not been there and I was just transported to the Erudite hospital without that medical help along the way, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here right now.
I think I spot Shauna near a curtained-off section and breathe out an internal sigh of relief.
That's one problem solved. I pull Kat up short and wait for Shauna to join the three of us as soon as she spotted us too.
"She needs to be looked at and I want her kept away from the guy that Four just brought in. Make sure he stays the fuck away from her too unless you want to be held responsible for a few deaths."
The nurse we came in blanches and nods frantically while Shauna gives me a brief glare but nods firmly. "Four already said to keep him separate from the girl he came in with." She looks at Kat and her expression softens just a little but I can see the worry in it too. Kat is holding her side and trying not to show how much she's hurting or how bad her breathing is right now.
She's also bristling at my demands and probably how I'm talking about her like she's not there. The mention of her sister does seem to bring her out of that and she looks at Shauna with pleading eyes.
"Can I be near my sister at least?"
I can tell Shauna is about to agree before she looks at me and hesitates. I see no reason to deny her, hell it'll probably make sure Kat does what she's supposed to.
In fact….
An idea hits me and I fully take advantage of the request to solve the problem. I feel a pleased as shit grin well up inside of me that I hold in, instead I allow a smirk. "I'm fairly certain that both of the female initiates will end up here in the clinic overnight but Peter will be released as soon as he finds the ability to walk. Those two do not leave this clinic before the morning. Am I clear?"
Kat stiffens and I feel her glare without even looking. She isn't happy and I honestly don't care right now. This keeps her out of the dorms and under watchful eyes of the staff and other methods for me to keep an eye on her, like the cameras that are lacking in the dorm.
It also, quite conveniently, solves the problem of her scheduled time with Four tonight.
"Understood." Shauna agrees with what looks like her own smirk before she turns away and guides Kat over to a free bed beside her sister.
I watch as Kat disappears behind the partially open curtain and try not to scowl at what having to let her go and watch her disappear makes me feel. As soon as I lost contact with her, all the rage I had been holding at bay just so I could get her taken care of rushes back in. It's like just her being near and her touch can keep my beast at bay but with her gone, it needs an outlet.
I stand there for a few seconds with clenched fists and fight myself on going towards where I hear her voice. She's talking to her sister and Shauna until I hear Shauna firmly telling her she needs to be looked at and Tris is fine.
"I can't believe what that asshole did you, Tris." I hear her spit out, anger laced with guilt.
I don't hear what Tris says in response because the reminder of Peter gives me the thing I need most right now. Someone to let all this rage out on.
I search out the beds and find Peter behind another curtained off area on the opposite side of the room.
It looks like they're trying to keep all the male initiates brought in on one side and the females on another. Dauntless does tend to go co-ed for most things but here in the clinic they always tried to give the two sexes separation for matters that might not want to be aired so publicly. I'm sure they are also much more sensitive to the needs of transfers who aren't used to this style of living.
I find him in a bed behind a curtain that's at the very end of the opposite side of the room from where Kat and her sister are. It seems they followed Four's order perfectly and for once I don't give a shit because it suits my purposes.
A nurse was just stepping out of his area and pulled the curtain shut, but I caught a glimpse of him laying in the bed with his eyes closed and moaning even under the influence of whatever they gave him for the pain. His hand is laid lightly and protectively over where Tris landed her most vicious hit.
"Status of the initiate?" I ask calmly despite how I'm seething inside.
"Oh, he'll live. He won't feel up to any romantic relations for some time and will have a hell of a time if tries anytime soon, but he'll live. Apparently, he decided it was a great idea to get a piercing during fights. Didn't think that it would matter since it wasn't visible." She lets out a choked laugh at the end before biting her lip to hold in any more laughter.
Outwardly, I raise an eyebrow in disbelief. Inside I'm both laughing and shaking my damn head at the stupidity of that particular line of thought. Not that I'm going to complain about the result because it puts him in a prime position to be…susceptible...to my brand of persuasion.
I watch as the nurse moves off after a nod from me, shaking her head and quietly chuckling, then slip in through the curtain, making sure its pulled firmly closed and I have all the privacy I need. I also slide one of my knives from a pocket.
I know the exact moment he realizes he's not alone and that it's not the nurse. His eyes pop open and a wicked grin slithers across my face when he registers the blade of my knife being pressed against his throat.
"You and I are going to have a little chat, Peter. I'm going to make you an offer, and it would be in your best interest to not refuse it." I drawl out in a silky and deadly manner.
His eyes widen even more and his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows heavily, making the knife press slightly against his skin. He gives me a small nod letting me know I have his attention.
What he doesn't know is I'm just getting started to make sure I have his full attention and just what I'm capable of doing to get it, and his agreement. That thought makes my wicked grin turn downright feral in pleasure.
Staying in the clinic after I got Peter sorted was out of the question. I hung around just long enough to check in with Shauna and give her a few orders that she was told she better keep to herself before I had to leave.
It ended up that Kat sustained bruised ribs, a slight contusion, her left eye was severely swollen and would be black, and a few dislocated fingers that had to be popped back into place. Her nose wasn't actually broken just bloodied.
It was still more than she should have gotten in the first place but as Zach pointed out when he heard, at least her ribs hadn't been broken or a lung punctured like I admitted I worried originally worried about.
With our meds that could accelerate healing she would recover fairly fast but it would still leave her in severe pain. She was, of course, refusing heavy pain medications. It upset Shauna so badly that I could hear them arguing about it while I was still with Peter. Which might be why I gave her an order for her to slip them in when she could. She looked torn between wanting to refuse and being grateful that she knew she couldn't.
Kat's fight was one of the last few but I still had some business to take care of.
First was informing Four she wouldn't be available to serve her punishment.
Next was making sure that she would never serve her punishment with him.
I realize that when Kat gets word of this, she's probably going to take it less than kindly. However, Max agreed when I pointed out that she's already serving punishments with me every morning until the end of initiation or until she gets cut, whichever comes first. I also might have hinted that if Four was so worried about making sure she got the proper message I could always increase the level of intensity during mine. Four didn't care for that suggestion but since Max just chuckled and agreed he couldn't say anything either.
Chase showed up at the end of my meeting with Max and Four to report the days training, status of initiate injuries, and plan for the following day. I requested and received permission to map out the next round of fights, which wouldn't be happening tomorrow because there's a field trip for all the initiates scheduled.
Once he heard where Kat was and how bad she was, he went to the clinic to check on her himself. I couldn't go, for obvious reasons, but he came to my apartment much sooner than I thought he would.
It turned out she was still refusing pain meds and he couldn't sit there watching her do that to herself. Now I'm glad that I can't go. I know I would just get too angry and say or do something that would upset her without meaning to really.
There's no point in going to the dining hall if Kat isn't going to be there so we decide to do what we would have done before she got here and I busied making us some dinner. It just so happens dinner is the pasta dish Zach mentioned Kat really liking the first time she had it for dinner in the dining hall. I made it, knowing that Zach was wanting to take her something to eat, and that mine would be a hell of a lot better than that one had been.
Zach and Chase are at the table watching his laptop and the footage of both Tris' fight and Kat's. I couldn't describe either of them properly and I wanted their honest opinions before I gave mine, so I suggested they watch it and refused to tell them about what I saw.
I had another reason for this. I needed to know if they saw what I did with Kat. And if they did, I wanted to gauge how they would handle this knowledge of what she is. I know where I stand. I think I know where they are going to as well. But the decision that's lurking in the back of my mind, the road I'm about to take...it's not one I can just choose for my brothers. They have their own reasons for their beliefs and the reason we've taken on the roles we have. Theirs are just as personal as mine. So it's with no small amount of nervousness that I keep making dinner and wait for them to finish.
When they do, they sit in silence for a while before Zach looks at me. "Is it ready?" He asks quietly, with no hint of what he's thinking or how he feels.
I nod and he gets up and comes into the kitchen. He takes out two of my storage containers that I use for my lunches sometimes when I know I'm going to be stuck in my office or don't want to bother with the dining hall.
"I'm going to go down and check on her and take both the sisters something to eat." He informs me and ignores my slight grunt of disapproval. He starts filling one container and I do the other, making sure that it has the biggest chunks of chicken and extra cheese.
He just smirks at me and shakes his head before gathering them up and sighing before looking at me. He loses the amusement. "I need to see her." I give a small nod of understanding and he leaves silently.
Chase has already packed up his laptop and cleared the table for us to eat at. Once we have our plates and are sitting, I decided I can't wait for Zach to get back. I have to know where Chase stands at least.
"Were you able to get all the footage of their fights?"
Chase was pushing his food around on the plate and staring off into space but he stopped this at my question and looks at me. "I made sure to pull any footage from the cameras in that room whether they picked up any of the fights or not. I figured erasing either of the girls' fights would be bad, so there are now corrupted bits from everyone's matches with the cameras getting worse towards the end, specifically Kat's fight. It will look like the cameras are going to shit in that training room and are in need of repair. They've been on the list to be replaced for a while now so it won't raise suspicions."
I nod thoughtfully. I know I'm being more paranoid than normal here but I don't want to take any chances. Jeanine and the other leaders involved wouldn't be looking for divergence this early in training, not really. That's to say they don't really expect any large signs of it and count on the instructors or members that are helping out to report specific things they are told to look for.
I don't think Four would report what happened, what really happened, to Max. He didn't in the meeting but there's nothing to stop him from going behind my fucking back and doing it after I left. It's better to make sure that any evidence of it was gone or at least not clear enough to gain anything from it.
"What did you think?" I ask him, not even trying to look casual as I cross my arms over my chest and wait for him to answer.
He's rigid in his chair and he nods stiffly. "I did."
I want to scream in frustration at that short answers that don't give me a hint of how he feels about what he saw but I get what he's not saying by how carefully he said what he did.
He knows and figured it out just like I did. Maybe he always knew as well and never said just like I never did. For the same reason I never did. How do you admit to your brother that you're falling for the enemy, especially when you know he has too?
Yeah, I know he stepped aside but I also know that he cares for her just as much as I do. I know that given half a chance he would love to be the one that has her. Those pictures he took of her, they weren't just for me.
I couldn't tell him what I suspected before today and now the best I could do was let him watch it and get his opinion and thoughts, untainted by my bias, but now I need to know.
"And?"
"The footage...and suspicions, those don't confirm anything. I need to know what you want to do if it's true. Before I say another word on the matter, I need to know what you intend to do. Give me that at least." His words are calm enough, though there is a bit of him pleading at the end, otherwise, there still isn't a hint of what I'm needing from him.
I stay quiet for a moment debating how to answer him, or how truthfully. I realize that I do owe him the full truth and we always promised to never keep anything from each other. It's what bonded us together so deeply when we realized how much we were going to need to rely on each other to do what we thought needed to be done. But that's exactly why I hadn't come out and told them after that first night she got here. Because, I knew even back then, that I would have to make a choice soon. To either turn my back on everything I thought I believed in and had done so many things for and possibly my brothers as well. Or turn my back on Kat and everything she could or does mean to me.
"Before Kat came along, I wouldn't have hesitated to do what I thought was my duty and what I thought was the right thing to do. I wouldn't have hesitated in thinking that she was exactly the threat that I, no that we have been told she is. But she did come along and I've got to tell you, things that I once thought were absolutely true and perfectly reasonable, aren't making a hell of a lot of sense right now. I don't know. Maybe she is a threat. Maybe she's a threat in a completely different manner than I've been led to believe and that scares Jeanine and Erudite for some reason." I shake my head and shrug a little as I look at him seriously. "I just don't fucking care. I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep her safe, Chase. That's what I intend to do."
Chase lets the breath he must have been holding in and nods. "You know what this would mean if we're found out, right?"
My shoulders sag a little with the weight of doubt relieved from them, knowing that he's with me on this. I shouldn't have doubted him but I didn't know if his bond with me and his feelings for Kat would be enough to go against our faction as well as Jeanine and the cards she holds too. I know I shouldn't be as grateful as I am that we both want the same girl, but I am. Even if I know that at some point, things are going to come to head between us, that's a worry I'll handle another day.
"I know. I don't know what this means for us in the big picture of things and what we're going to do about all the scheme and plans going on. I figure the first thing is just to get her through fucking initiation." I shake my head and let out a silent groan realizing what a task that's going to be after today.
"Well, one aspect of it's been addressed at least. Do you think that you got through to the little asshole?" Chase growls as he finally takes up his fork and loads it up with some chicken tetrazzini.
"Going by how he literally pissed himself as I described to him what would happen if he failed to do as I asked? I'm going to say my incentive will help keep him in line." I grin wickedly and pick up my own fork then work on the salad as my appetite starts to return.
Chase chuckles darkly and we eat a bit more in silence while we both think things over.
"You never said, but what was in Kat's aptitude that was cause for concern enough to get Jeanine's attention? I looked it up and it just had her listed as Dauntless but it wasn't a manual entry like most of them are that are flagged for us to watch out for." I know the wheels in his mind are turning as much as mine were when I found this out too. Trying to determine how best to handle it, especially when the time for sims come up.
"I was able to get access to watch it. Unlike the others that are manually entered, hers wasn't deleted. It's not complete and at the end, it shuts off abruptly. So I did some digging into the code itself and it looks like there was a cascading failure in the program until the entire station malfunctioned."
"Wait," Chase says with a frown "Kat caused that?"
I shake my head to deny it but I'm really not so sure.
"No, at least I don't think so anyway. At least not all of it. I think that the person administering the test detected something off about it early on and started to alter things. Watching the sim it would be difficult to see the signs unless you already knew what to look for or maybe had seen something like it before. What I saw in the code was that the system was cycling through the factions and scenarios so fast that it was like it couldn't keep up with Kat. So maybe they were pushing the system harder to try and narrow things down or head to one specific result. If they caused it, they were as smart as hell. By everything I saw it looks like the degradation and failure was in the program itself and not the user or terminal. It also showed that the result for every scenario ended with Dauntless, even if other results were mixed in among there, it took Dauntless as being the most consistent thought pattern and logged it as her result."
"And Jeanine is getting away with still having her on the list?" Chase asks looking and sounding as angry and disgusted as I feel about it.
There are a lot of people that are in on this bid to rid the city of divergents and not all of them have the best reasons for it. The one thing that made me feel better, helped me sleep at night in the beginning at least, was that Max always had the policy that without proof to back up the suspicion then we would not be handing over our people to Erudite.
We never just hand someone over on Jeanine's say so. At least, we hadn't yet but things have taken a turn for the worse over the years. With no choosing for the past several years, the search has been sent elsewhere and there have been cases where someone was handed over that there was no proof of beforehand. That usually came after they had been taken to Erudite to be tested and that always came back positive.
"Of course. She's going to use whatever excuse she can manage to get ahold of Kat and her sister." I sneer the reply and push food around on my plate. "I wouldn't be surprised if Tris is just as high as I suspect Kat is, Chase. If Jeanine gets a whiff of that she won't wait until fear sims and there's a strong chance she'll go behind Max's back to get them."
"So, we're back to the question of what we're going to do about this? Think about it, do you really think we're going to be able to save Kat and then just hand her sister over, Eric? You saw her during that fight. She won't let that happen and if it does and she finds out we had any part in it…" He trails off leaving the rest unspoken.
I've seriously been putting off thinking like that. I don't want to think about having to save anyone but Kat. I don't really care to if I'm being truthful here. As fucked up as that and I might be, I can't wrap my mind around expanding my willingness to risk my neck for anyone besides my brothers and Kat. But I know what it will do to her and that I would lose her in one way or another if I don't include her sister in my plans.
Is keeping her safe, having her by my side, worth abandoning everything I've believed and fought for?
For a second I sit quietly mulling this over when I realize that there's a bigger question that I haven't been willing to ask myself.
And that's, do I even believe any of that anymore. Had I ever believed it or was I pointed to a target and told they were to blame, then released to unleash all my grief and rage on them? I never once questioned it at the time. I was too angry and lost and didn't care to dig too deep.
Maybe that's the reason why I've felt so hollow and dead to this cause I've been working for before now. It wasn't just that I was bored with life or weighed down with work and had no time to find anything to enjoy. It's because after the first few years the rage that fueled me to carry out my orders started to fade. For years that enemy I've been ordered to hunt and eliminate hasn't acted how I've been told the enemy should be. That constant 'danger to our system', hasn't been the very real danger our faction struggles with day to day and year to year.
Whatever I might be thinking or doubting about that, there was one thing I know and I'm sure about. Kat has been the key to unlocking something in me and I need to start getting answers to all my questions. Starting with where and who Kat came from.
"Chase, stick close to Kat and her group when you guys go to the fence tomorrow. I have to go to the council meeting at the hub while you guys are gone."
"What are you going to do?" Chase asks quietly.
"What I do best. I'm going to get the truth and I'm going to start with a conversation with someone that's supposed to an enemy. I'm done following orders on flimsy excuses and no evidence and that's all they have had about Abnegation so far."
"You're going to talk to her dad." He states with a nod before taking another bite.
I shrug and go back to eating. "It's not like I expect to get all of the answers right away but I'm hoping it might be a start."
"Zach said he's actually had decent conversations with Andrew when he's encountered him before. He might have some suggestion about how to approach him."
I nod and grunt a little as I eat, knowing that I'm going to need all the suggestions I can get to not screw this up. Years of prejudice and hatred aren't going to go away overnight even with Kat's influence. But it's time I started to ask questions again, to think for myself like I was taught. I'm quickly becoming far from the perfect leader and soldier I had been.
That remains to be seen if it's a good or bad thing.