Chapter 23 - Scars We Carry

Kat

The food is amazing. Really anything I've had made by Zach has been amazing. Even Eric's chicken tetrazzini that Zach brought me last night at the clinic was wonderful, at least, what I could eat of it. I felt guilty for not being able to finish or enjoy it and I'm feeling that same way right now. I'm still in pain, still exhausted and still a mess from the events of the last few days, but that isn't all of why my appetite is off from what it normally is.

I take quick furtive glances at each of the three men sitting at the table with me and I don't like what I'm seeing at all. They look uneasy and tired as hell, with dark circles under their eyes and various states of being disheveled. Between Zach's smile being a bit more strained to Eric's stubble and mussed hair, I realize that something serious is going on with them and I don't know what.

I do know that it can't have all been because they were worried about me getting hurt and taking my medication. I now know that was some of it just by how they all seemed to breathe these big sighs of relief after I took those pills earlier but that's not what has them acting the way are now.

I can tell Zach is at least trying to keep breakfast as normal as possible. He's kept the conversation going, mostly about what I can expect today on our field trip to the fence in Amity. He prompted me to tell them what I might have already seen when in Amity, which wasn't much, to be honest, and described a few things we wouldn't see on our visit but that are good to know about.

The entire time Eric and Chase ate sullenly only really adding something in when Zach practically made them. Until Zach gave up, tiredly, and we all continued to eat in silence.

I'm pretty much the only one still trying to eat but I can tell when Eric lifts an eyebrow at me he knows I'm just stalling right now.

"Eric," Chase sighs a warning to him but I can see he's just as anxious to get on with what I realize must be what has had them so unsettled.

I almost forgot the entire lunch incident, and secretly hoped they might have as well, from yesterday but it looks like they haven't. I guess my fight and getting hurt doesn't help things either.

I push my plate away from me with a sigh.

"Before you start in on her, let's move over to the living room. She'll be much more comfortable there." Zach offered me with a half smile.

Eric grumbled but pushed to his feet and held a hand out for me. I took it without much eagerness and a few grumbles of my own. Once I was up, I moved off ahead of him and sank onto the couch at one far end.

I was feeling severely grumpy and irritable, something Eric seemed oblivious to as he decided to sit right beside me, even telling me to scoot over. Considering I was currently sitting against the arm of the couch that was completely empty everywhere else, I was more than a bit put out and confused.

I think I must have verbally said as much, even while I moved over.

"I like this spot," He said with a shrug of his shoulders, taking the space I just vacated.

I roll my eyes and start to scoot further down the couch but he shifts and stretches so the arm he casually draped along the back of the couch comes down, blocking my retreat, and pulls me back against his side.

I should probably protest or move away, but I just can't bring myself to.

When Eric had me in his arms in the bathroom, it felt so good. That feels like such an inadequate word to describe what I felt at the time, 'cause I was a complete mess of feelings.

Oddly enough when it was just him holding me and not doing anything else, all of that seemed to quiet for me. There was a peace and comfort I never expected that seemed to overwhelm all the other things going on with me and for those seconds it felt like I could breathe a little easier. In his arms it felt like the stress and worry that is always weighing me down seemed to lift.

So when his arm wraps around me and pulls me closer to his side I go willingly, letting him get me settled there beside him while Chase and Zach joined us in the living room. They took the two chairs that faced us.

It was their expressions, and the fact they weren't even attempting to hide their focus was about to me all on me, that let me know I could expect a full on interrogation. They're all exchanging looks between each other, like their trying to communicate with those alone.

I've noticed they do that a lot really. I also notice that it works, they always seem to know what each other are trying to say in those times.

It might be how exhausted I am, but I start to do a silent narration of whatever conversation they're having until I realize with a start that I do actually understand what's going on.

They're trying to determine who will start things off and Zach seems to be trying to warn Eric about something.

This is all done with glares, sighs, shifting and brushing of fingers in what I recognize as the way a few of the hearing impaired among the factionless communicate. But, it's all done so fast that it makes my head spin until I just can't take it anymore and decide to pull the trigger they're hesitant to pull right now.

"Why don't I save you guys arguing anymore and start things out myself? Just give me an idea of what you want to interrogate me on first."

I can see the startled expressions of Chase and Zach clearly since I'm facing them. I only know how Eric reacted by his body tensing beside me, then turning to find him looking down at me.

"You understood that?" His tone incredulous, maybe even a bit nervous.

I frown and shrug. "A bit of it. I recognize some of the hand signs. A few of the factionless I knew are hearing impaired and knowing how to communicate with them made things easier."

"Good to know," He muttered with his forehead wrinkled up before he to rub the bridge of his nose with his free hand, then dropped it and shook his head. "It's not an interrogation, Kat. But you damn well know there are things we need to talk about. Starting with you losing your shit during your sister's fight."

"What was going on there, Kat? What I saw from the footage of the fight, that was not the girl I've trained with before. During Tris' sparring with Lynn, you were concerned but had it under control."

I swallow and look at my hands. I'm not sure how to answer this. There are things I can't tell them, can't tell anyone, because there's so much at risk. Then there are things I can't talk about because I've buried them so deep inside me, not even wanting to deal with them myself, that opening up to anyone seems impossible.

I spent a good portion of my time in the shower trying to plan for what I could say if they did end up asking me about things this morning. I can't lie to them and asking them to forget about it and leave it be isn't going to work either.

"I wasn't prepared for what happened either and I don't want it to happen again, but I think something like that has happened to me before. I just didn't remember it, or maybe I purposely pushed the memory back. Do you remember when I was telling you about what happened with the factionless guys and when I got shot?"

"Of course," Zach responded quickly and with a curt nod, cutting the other two off from needing to reply. "I remember you saying that everything went red and hazy. Was that what happened yesterday?"

"It wasn't exactly like that but it was very similar. The thing is, that isn't the first encounter we've had with factionless that did, or could have, gotten physical. While I never lost control like I did yesterday or that day so long ago, I've felt that same panic, anger, and fear each time. It doesn't help that I know for a fact that she's had brush-ups with factionless and gotten hurt when I haven't been able to be there. I guess you could say that yesterday, it was like I was seeing one of my worst fears become real. So I guess on the bright side, I know at least one of the fears I'll be facing in the next stage."

"Fuck," Chase muttered lowly, hanging his head wearily while at the same time Zach asked "You know about those?" and Eric remained stonily silent.

"Uri, Mar, and Lynn told me about the different stages of initiation and that the second stage is called fear sims. They don't know more than the title but from that, we were all able to make educated guesses what it would entail."

"Kat," Chase sighs and sits back in his chair. "We are going to have to do something about how you're reacting to situations. Because if that's how it is in real life, it's going to be ten times worse in sims."

I nod while thinking, trying not to let the uneasiness and worry overtake me at his statement. Part of me is wondering if they might just wash their hands of me right here and now. I'm clearly more trouble and damaged than they should have to deal with.

I clear my throat and answer him.

"Because of that day with the factionless and a few other encounters, I found a way to try and keep my focus. At least, that was the hope when I started it. I plan on using my meditation technique at the start of the day and before any of her fights for the rest of initiation. I don't know if it will work the same because all it really does is help me keep my focus and limit outside influences from distracting me. That's all worked out for me when I'm training or just doing simple tasks. Yesterday was the first time I actually used it in the middle of a fight."

"Do you always say the mantras out loud or is it usually internal?" Eric's asks, his chest rumbling along with the words.

"Internal. I don't know why I was saying them out loud yesterday. Maybe hearing my own voice calmed me, or maybe some part of me knew that saying them out loud would unsettle Drew? I don't know, maybe it was both?" I answered with a shrug since I still can't really determine what spurred me to do that either.

Chase looks at Eric questioningly, almost as if he's waiting for Eric to decide where to go from here or something, causing me to look at Eric as well.

Eric isn't looking at any of us but looking at some point on the wall of the shelves we're facing. I would think he's not even paying attention and lost in thought if it weren't how calculating his eyes look. After a few seconds, they flit to me.

"How about you make all your focusing internal and not let that particular ability be known? The three of us will know, obviously, but if your friends don't already know about it, try and keep it that way. The fewer people who know, the better, because it puts you at an advantage. And you're going to take every one of those you can get from now on."

Eric's tone is almost conversational in comparison to how he normally speaks but that doesn't make this any less command on his part. I know that he's expecting this to be what happens no matter how I feel about it, and I admit, even the thought of keeping this a secret from my sister and friends does rankle me.

What's one more secret though, right?

"I will. As I said, I'm going to make sure to do that before all her fights and just through the days in general until it's a natural reflex for me. Like muscle memory."

"Good. Now, what was this about an issue or incident with a former member of your faction and all the other brush-ups?" He pronounces as he looks at me seriously. I have to shift because the position of being so pulled to his side isn't comfortable when I'm trying to look at him.

That deadly soft tone in the demand has a shiver of apprehension racing down my spine. The apprehension isn't for me or what I think he might do to me once he finds out the things I've been holding inside. It's for my old faction and others I'm trying to protect. And it's not just him that I worry about reaction wise, it's Chase and Zach too.

It's easy to forget who these men are and what they're capable of when I've only experienced their goodwill, their friendship. Looking at them now as they wait for a response from me, I can see their other sides in their eyes. It makes me pause and reevaluate things, knowing I have to be careful that I can make things clear while not betraying the things that must stay secret; at least for now.

"I have a question for you guys first." I pause and wait for them to either tell me to get on with it or play along for now.

"Okay," Zach agrees with a nod. "Just know that this isn't something you are going to be able to distract us from."

"I know, I wasn't going to try and distract you from it, it's all related." I shrug and see their nods for me to go ahead. "Do you know if Dauntless, or even the other factions besides Abnegation, have people that leave the faction to go factionless on their own? Sometimes even before they've had their choosing?"

Eric looks at me curiously, an eyebrow lifted and his blue eyes have that calculating look. "Dauntless has the highest percentage of members going to the factionless due to age or injury but as far as I know few, if any, leave Dauntless without being made to for some reason. Erudite is the second highest in the city, but those are for their own varying reasons that they aren't required to report. I'm not sure about Candor and I seriously doubt I've heard about an Amity leaving that faction if it wasn't at their choosing."

"Candor has their share but there really aren't that many overall. I'm not sure about dependents leaving before their choosing but I know that Candor has the highest defections rate with Erudite being a close second. I know for certain that in Candor the dependents are all assigned a counselor of a sort for the last two years before they are expected to choose. Everything is monitored and evaluated and if they think the dependent is doing poorly or not fitting in, they tell them to pick somewhere, anywhere, else at choosing." Zach rounds out the answer for me.

"Wow," I blink at that influx of information and try to process it. "Wow," I repeat again and think back on all those times I used to imagine my family having been anything but Abnegation. I shake my head and get back on track. "You mentioned Dauntless, Erudite, Candor, and Amity; but not Abnegation. Is that because you don't know what their percentage is?"

Eric shifts in impatience and looks at me. "I haven't really cared to pay much attention but I think I remember that very few defections are reported before, during or after choosing for Abnegation at all. What does this have to do with you, Kat?"

I'm sure it pisses Eric off that I don't answer him right away. Instead, I look at Chase and Zach, mainly focusing on Zach. I know out of the three men, he is much more likely to be aware of things like that. He looks to be deep in thought before he finally shrugs. "He's right, there are very few of those for Abnegation."

I sigh wearily and close my eyes because this isn't going to go over well, what I'm about to tell him. "There are very few reported officially then, but in my old faction, it was actually very, very common. The last ten years saw a big increase but since the choosing age was changed the first time, my mom said it got even worse. Not many people in the faction really know about it, that this is a problem, but there's this taboo on talking about it at all anyway. They even have a name for them, the ones that leave Abnegation willingly to go to the factionless, they call them 'the fallen' ."

I see they are about to let loose a million questions on me so I raise a hand to stop them. "Please, just, let me say all this and then if you have more questions I can answer what I'm able to then. Okay?"

I get grudging nods of agreement.

It's hard to explain those that my old faction refers to as the fallen. On one hand, I could go on and on about what I think of them and why I think most of them leave. Some of it would be just opinions and some are actual fact that I was able to get from the people themselves. The most difficult thing I face as I begin to explain this is trying to put it in a light that won't make Abnegation look completely horrible.

To do this, I start out by telling them how and when I first became aware that there was even a group like that in existence.

It was about two years before the day my sister and I were attacked by that group of men. I was with my mom and we were passing out clothes and care packages filled with personal hygiene essentials. A young woman, I would say about five years younger or so than my mom was at the time, approached us. She had a small child with her and requested clothes for them and a baby as well. Mom helped her out and the two talked for a good bit. Before she left, my mom had been able to gather up some things for the baby. Although my mother was always friendly and helpful to everyone, I got the impression the two were actually friends. Shortly after she left a few of the elder Abnegation women that were working with us that day came up to my mom and scolded her for talking to the woman, for not shunning her as 'was only proper for one of those that have fallen' . Their words exactly.

That was the first time I ever heard the term or even knew that there was something that Abnegation considered lower than factionless. That was also the first time that I ever saw how hateful and judgemental my faction could be towards anything they didn't think was right. And believe me, they were extremely hateful to those that left to go to the factionless. I have seen them refuse to help anyone they recognize among them. Even going so far as physically turning their backs on them even if they desperately need help.

There's no way to sugar coat any of that, and I don't try when I explain this to Eric, Chase, and Zach.

"I don't understand why any Abnegation would choose to go to the factionless when they see first hand how they live!" Chase exclaims. "Especially if they know that's how they are going to be treated for doing it in the first place."

"Like I said, I don't think that there are many that really know about this. I only know because, after that day, I couldn't just forget it like I think my mom hoped I would, and got answers for myself. This ranged from me talking to those people or just making a nuisance of myself and asking my parents, but I was able to find out a few things."

"So tell us. I know you're trying to hedge around saying anything bad about Abnegation, Kat. Don't. Just tell us everything and we'll go from there." Eric's demand was soft but firm and I could tell he was losing patience.

So, why would someone choose to be factionless even when they knew how bad it was from seeing it first hand?

According to my mom, most of the cases were people that formed an attachment to someone in the factionless. For varying reasons, they then decide to be with them even if they have to leave their homes and families behind. This tended to happen a lot with young women but there have been some men that leave for this reason.

According to my dad, they leave because they've decided that the best way to help the factionless is by living like one.

This is what I tell Eric, Chase, and Zach in regards to who the fallen are and how they came about.

What I don't tell them is my own belief that the increase of those that left Abnegation before they could even choose these last few years is because they would rather be factionless than spend one more second in a faction that was fast becoming ruled by the cult-like followers of Marcus Eaton.

What I don't say is that I think my own choosing had a bare handful of Abnegation that left the faction for another because all the others were either too brainwashed, browbeaten, manipulated or afraid to leave.

What I don't say is that I think this was exactly what Marcus Eaton wanted when he pushed for the choosing age change this last time, and that if he suspected Abnegation would loose dependents to the factionless because of this he didn't care; because in one way or another they would still be under his influence.

"So where does Alistair fit into all of this?"

"I think you know where Eric," I say and sigh wearily. "He's considered one of the fallen. He left Abnegation shortly into his initiation. I don't know why. I never got the chance to ask him even though I looked for him when I found out he left. He seemed to just disappear. The first time I saw him after that was also the last."

I took a drink of the water Zach got up to get me sometime during my long explanation and questioning afterward. The water was soothing to me but I really would rather some more coffee at this point. Eric takes the glass from me once I have it drained and puts it on the end table beside him while I continue.

"His family and mine, I guess you could say they were fairly close. Real friendships, or attachments, of any kind, aren't encouraged because it takes away from being selfless, at least according to some people in the faction. Alistair is a few years older than me. He was one of the ones that had their choosing before the age change took effect but he barely made the age requirement for it. We knew before choosing he was going to stay, but there had been times he mentioned that living among the factionless might be a better way to help them. So when he was gone, that's what I thought might have happened. That he was one of those that decided the best way to give was to leave everything behind to do that fully. It was a shock when we ran into him on our way to the volunteer center. I've seen some bad cases among the factionless, but he was by far the worst. He looked sick, haggard, and much older than someone just out of their teens. He was raving, delirious even, and it took a while to get him to make sense but from what I could make out of his speech, he didn't leave Abnegation willingly and he was completely bitter about the fact. Whatever happened to him, he was choosing to take it out on us, and that's where the trouble started."

"He demanded all of our food and that we go get him more things in payment for what we owed him. I tried to be compassionate and put myself in his place but the second he started bad mouthing my family; my parents and my sister, the minute he started threatening them, I snapped. I lost all compassion and felt completely disgusted with him. He reeked of liquor and filth, looking like he didn't even try to bathe or take care of himself at all, and I said as much. I told him that we owed him nothing and that he seemed to have no trouble finding liquor so he should be able to get his own clothes and food. He became belligerent and started yelling out all kinds of threats. Saying that I had no clue what he'd been forced to do but I would find out soon enough if I wasn't careful. He said that he knew people that could make us disappear and if, or when we were ever found, we would either be a used and broken body or just wishing we were dead."

"I should have left as soon as he even looked like he might become violent. Tris wanted to go well before he first started looking unstable, but I still remembered our friend Alistair and I just couldn't think that he was completely gone. That, that man wasn't still inside there somewhere."

"Not everyone is good and even if he had done some things that could be considered that way, it doesn't mean that he himself was a good person." Eric scoffs angrily.

I turn my head and look at him to see his jaw is clenched tightly and he isn't looking directly at me but there is a flash of something in his eyes, pain before he jerks his head and looks out the window.

I look at where his arm is resting and has been since we shifted at the beginning of the conversation. The arm that had been draped over my shoulders, holding me close to his side, is now half on my leg that I have folded under me, and half on his own leg. I reach out and lightly lay my hand on his until he un-clenches his fist and grabs mine, finally turning his head to look at me when I give his hand a squeeze.

"Not everyone is capable of being good, Kat," Eric mutters bitterly.

There's that flash of pain but this time he doesn't try and hide it as he did before and I know without a doubt he's talking about himself.

"I don't believe that, Eric." I smile at him and shake my head. "I could go into an entire debate about good vs. evil and why I think there's such a huge grey area in between those two extremes, but I won't. I'm realistic, no matter how naive I sound, and I know that good won't always win out in the end. Bad things happen and sometimes they are done by people that are mostly good but are making some really bad decisions in the circumstances they find themselves. On the whole, I think people just want to live their lives and don't set out to hurt others. But, we're all human. We make mistakes and do things for all kinds of reasons."

I glance around after I finish and see varying looks in the three men. Some are easier to read than others. Chase had a mixture of relief and pain. Zach relief and maybe even pride as he smiled at me. I save looking at Eric for last. I don't know what he's thinking but I can tell my words have had some kind of effect on him. I think I even see a hint of a smile at the edges of his lips.

"So what happened next," Eric prodded me to continue on with my story after we all took a second to collect ourselves.

"I tried to appeal to that person I remembered at first, and I think that's made him worse. I don't think he liked to be reminded of who he was. The result was, by the time Tris had enough and pulled me to leave, he backhanded her and told her that I wasn't going anywhere until he was done with me. As soon as he laid hands on her all bets were off for me and I went at him. I guess he was expecting it or hoping for it at the very least because he tackled me to the ground and we had a scuffle before Tris leaped into it."

Eric's grip on my hand became painful but I didn't pull it back. It wasn't until he looked at me and saw me wince a little that he realized what was happening. He let go with a curse and I moved closer, thinking he was going to pull away altogether. His arm went around my shoulders and I settled against his side then continued speaking, needing to get this over with.

"It was all a mess before some other factionless came over and pulled him off of us. One of the guys told someone in the small group to run and get my mom from the Volunteer center since he recognized me, then ordered another person to take Alistair away. He warned him that he needed to stay away, that they gave him a chance and took him in, but they weren't going to put up with his behavior anymore."

"Do you know what happened to him after that?" The question came from Zach. I think Eric and Chase didn't trust themselves to speak and even for him, it was coming out strained.

"No, I never saw him again and I never heard anything about him either. I had to tell you about the fallen to explain who Alistair has become and how the others stepped in to help. Because there are those among the factionless that really do try and...I don't know...police the others. I'm not sure if they were all former Abnegation or not but I know that's what most of the so-called fallen try to do. I know it's what the group that pulled him off of us were trying to do that day at least."

"Kat, do you remember any other details about the group. The size and if they were armed or not?" Chase asks, scowling.

I bite my lower lip and shake my head knowing, in this, I can be completely truthful. "Honestly, while I wasn't as bad as the day I was shot or yesterday, I was still pretty bad. Between hesitating and it resulting in Tris getting hurt, to me losing focus after she got hurt, that entire encounter is a mess in my mind. All I could and have been able to focus on was what I did wrong."

"Starting tomorrow we will be working on all that, Kat. No more allowing your anger or emotions to rule you during those situations." Eric states firmly.

His tone is calm and collected but I'm not fooled. I see the fire and anger in his eyes. His arm is still holding me to his side and I can feel the trembling in the muscle there and the rest of his body, as if it's radiating through him so much he has to hold himself in check from acting on it.

"I plan to work on that and never let it happen again," I respond with a nod and trying not to show the fear I have at what he could have planned for me.

"Good," He replies tightly. "How are you feeling right now?"

"I'm not hurting as much but I feel like I could fall asleep right here, right now."

"Then do it. Close your eyes and rest. We have a few hours before we need to leave."

"Umm...no, I'm fine." I hesitate, then dismiss the suggestion.

"If you say that one more time when I clearly know you're not…." Eric hisses but doesn't finish the threat. He grunts softly as he reaches over to grab a pillow from the other side of me.

A gust of air catches my attention and I see a throw blanket from the other couch is tossed lightly over to us by Zach.

Before I know what's happening I'm laying down and looking up at Eric who looks half amused and half pissed at my bewildered and speechless expression.

I'm not exactly laying in his lap but just to one side of him on the pillow, he grabbed just seconds before. He's still sitting up and in the same spot, close enough to me to still feel his body heat and his hand to be draped on my shoulder as I lay on my side.

"Sleep." He orders me lightly and then sighs before letting his head fall back on the couch and closing his own eyes.

I close my eyes against the wave emotion and exhaustion and let out a sigh as I hear Chase announcing he's going to control for something and Zach muttering that he's going to clean up and run a few errands, with it being the general consensus that they'll be coming back to the apartment in time for me to have to head out. Eric grunts out a reply but doesn't seem interested in moving.

For a few seconds, I just lay there, listening as the door closes after Chase leaves and Zach starts to move around in the kitchen area with dishes clanking against each other. Until eventually the apartment settles into a comfortable din of noise that succeeds in lulling me to sleep.

It honestly feels like I just closed my eyes when I'm being gently shaken awake. I blink them to clear the sleep from them and sigh. One that quickly turns from hiss of disapproval to a moan of pleasure when I have a steaming cup of coffee placed in my hand after Eric helps me groggily sit up beside him.

"What time is it?" I ask after I've taken a few big gulps of coffee that caused Eric to chuckle.

I turned my head to observe that he has just as big a cup of coffee as I do and that he seems to be gulping it down at about the same rate as me too. I lifted an eyebrow at him but don't bother to point any of this out to him.

One, because it would require me to stop inhaling my coffee. And two, because I don't want to test the level of Eric's tolerance with how out of sorts he looks right now.

His clothes are rumbled, his hair is a mess, that stubble on his face seems even darker than it did at the table during breakfast, and whatever rest he got sitting on the couch beside me was clearly not enough to fully get rid of those dark circles under his eyes.

"We have about twenty minutes before me and you have to head down to the Pit to meet up with the others and head to the train." Chase said after taking a seat in the same chair he was in earlier. "I figured we could head out soon and wait for your friends since it might take you a bit longer for you to walk there. How are you feeling by the way? Is your breathing any better?"

He asks this as I'm sipping my coffee and I take that time to evaluate myself. A small twist from side to side and deep breath produces only a mild twinge in my ribs compared to this morning. I still feel like I got ran over by something but now it's more like the lumbering bus I used to ride as opposed to a train moving at full speed.

I tell Chase this as Zach takes a seat on the other chair and nods in relief. "That will make getting on and off the train easier at least."

"It's still going to hurt like hell and those ladders and steep climbs aren't going to help either. Normally, it's recommended to rest and keep it iced with as little movement as possible, but you can't afford that. So, just try and take your time whenever you have to climb ladders and stairs. It isn't a weakness to be cautious."

Eric's words aren't phrased like one, but I hear the command in the gruff tone and the way he's looking at me with a hint of worry and agitation in his eyes.

" There's a precipice on either side of you. A precipice of caution and a precipice of over-daring [ Winston Churchill] ," I respond sleepily, using one of my mantras, with a smile and shrugged my shoulders.

Eric lifts an eyebrow and smirks at me as Chase snorts out a laugh. "Exactly. So, let's not get too over-daring and go over the literal precipice today. I'll be extremely pissed if you do."

I give him a mock salute in response then hurriedly gulp my coffee when I see Chase getting up to put his empty mug in the kitchen.

"You have a few more minutes, Kat. Don't kill yourself trying to get that down." Zach cautions me with a frown.

"What are you two up to today?" I ask Eric and Zach. I already know that Chase will be going with the groups to the fence.

Zach answers first after giving a weary sigh. "I have to go to Candor and attend meetings about the six-month safety checks of the Judicial complex. Not looking forward to that, but someone has to do it since Raze is doing the ones along the fence still."

I laugh a little at his pout. I know that he has no love for his old faction, neither does Chase. The two of them were friends even before transferring, with Zach coming to Dauntless the year before Eric and Chase. As far as I can tell, any family connections other than each other were all left behind in Candor. Considering their attitudes I'm surprised that Zach actually choose a job that has him working so closely with the faction.

"I have a Council meeting to attend. Part of the reason the visit to the fence was scheduled for today." Eric grumbles.

I nod and finish my coffee. There isn't much I can say regardless, but finding out where Eric is headed today causes an unexpected flash of pain in me and I almost feel a bit jealous of him. Not that I envy him having to sit through the boring meetings and proceedings, but because I know that my dad will be there.

I guess I'm not successful in completely masking that because I see Chase giving me a sympathetic look as I clear my throat and drain the last dregs of coffee. I stand up and go to put the empty mug in the kitchen only to be met by Zach and have it taken from me.

"Kat," Eric calls my name and motions me over to the table, holding a jacket in his hands. I walk over, my eyes flitting between what he's holding and him, and I blush when he begins to help me put it on. "Chase has some more of the same meds for you that you're going to need to take in a few hours. It'll help you get through the day and with a little of the pain at least."

His voice is a low rumble and his face is all scrunched up in worry as he fiddles with the collar of the jacket. I can't help but smile at this. Any embarrassment I felt about him helping me get dressed, again, along with the mixed feelings I have about being given a new jacket, fades in the face of his care and worry.

All I can feel is a rush of warmth and a need to set his mind at ease.

"I'll be a good little girl and take my medication…Sir," I say playfully then flush in when I realize how it really came out, as a flirty purr. Especially when I called him Sir.

Eric's eyes snapped up to mine and widen slightly in surprise, making my blush deepen. I was just beginning to worry that I had messed up when a slow smile started to creep across his face. He tugged his bottom lip between his teeth for a second and looked like he was thinking hard or debating something before he released it and stepped even closer to me.

"I expect you to come back to me in the same condition you are leaving me in…" He pauses while his head moves forward, leaning down until his mouth is beside my ear "...kitten." He finishes in a bare whisper and a soft growl.

Despite me desperately trying to fight it back, a shiver explodes down my back. He pulls back and looks at me with a smirk.

"Time to go," I hear Chase say behind me and have to shake my head to clear it.

I turn towards him in a daze and follow him out of the door in the same state. I look over my shoulder and see Eric standing in the doorway watching us walk away with dark eyes. He gives a slight chin lift and lets the door close without another word.

Chase is oddly quiet for most of the walk, giving me time to try and clear my head. I know I already decided to talk to Lynn but I decide on the walk that I'm also going to take her up on another offer of doing it over a beer or two. Normally, that wouldn't be something I do, but tonight I feel a need to get out of my own head for a few seconds and Lynn has said that's a sure fire way to do that.

I feel like a pressure cooker and everything is starting to build inside of me, begging me to release at least some of it. There are things I can't talk to anyone about and I don't know that I ever will be able to.

It's starting to feel like too much to handle now that my feelings for Eric have been added to the mix. The memory of this morning, of the two of us in the bathroom won't leave me alone. The way his hands felt against my skin seems to be burned into the places he touched me. My body is throbbing and it's only getting worse the longer my mind dwells on that.

I'm not sure I like it, how much I can't control what my body is doing, but at the same time...I don't want it to end either.

Chase and I got to the Pit way before any of the others arrived so we took a seat and waited for them. It didn't take much longer for the others to start arriving. Dauntless-born were first and I couldn't help the smile as I saw my sister with my friends as they made their way towards us.

It looks like she got that shower and even though it kills me to see her all battered and bruised, seeing her laughing and smiling with my friends makes it a little better.

Uri has his arm loosely slung over her shoulders while Lynn is on Tris' other side grinning at her. Whatever they are talking about has my friend practically beaming at my sister with pride. Knowing Lynn like I do, I'm pretty sure that it's about the literal and figurative blow Tris delivered Peter in their fight yesterday.

Lynn practically crowed her approval when she came to the clinic last night.

When they caught sight of me, they rushed over. I could see the worry written all over their faces, especially my sisters. Something about that rankled me and I was about to let a snarky comment go when Chase beat me to the punch.

"Good, you guys are finally here. Should have seen her face when she saw what she would be doing for her punishment. Kat's been pouting all morning because she got stuck doing paperwork."

I look at him in surprise and see him give me a sly wink. That response was too smooth and practiced, making me think he already had it prepared to tell them. As far as cover stories go, it's a good one and his description of what my reaction would be is pretty accurate.

It's so accurate that Tris laughs and gives a nod. "Kat has never liked paperwork. When we would be stuck doing it for our volunteer time she always tries and get out of it by offering to do anything else." She stops and grins at me. "She always came around when I convinced her that at least we were learning something from it, even if it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit that."

She starts to blush when I raise an eyebrow meaningfully at her. Tris knows full well she hated doing that stuff just as much as me, she was just never as vocal about it as I was. That simple gesture is enough to have us both busting out a laugh at the same time.

"I wouldn't think doing paperwork would be considered volunteer work," Lynn commented wryly, grinning at us.

"It wasn't the usual kind of work but for some, like me and Kat, it was pretty common. If a dependent had parents that trained them on using the computer equipment or how to do the paperwork, then they would help out with it. I admit, if we could get out of it, we did. But about two years before we stopped going to school, we were given more responsibilities to help out. No one really wanted to do it, so mom decided we would pick up the slack."

"Yeah, it was a pain in the ass. It might sound like we were getting off with the lighter work but a lot of it was on Erudite systems or their formatted paperwork, which was a major pain in the ass to have to deal with." I huff out, still acting like I'm pouting and frustrated.

What I'm really feeling is uncomfortable and uneasy about where the conversation is at right now. I was never able to confirm why four years ago my parents suddenly assigned me and my sister to work mostly at the volunteer center doing those kinds of jobs. I had previously been stuck doing my volunteer time doing whatever Marcus Eaton said I was supposed to do. For a few years that was doing his housework and cooking. My personal reparations for trying to damage his reputation and for the supposed offense of driving his son away from the faction in shame.

I think it might have been an incident where Marcus sent me to one of the sectors known for more incidents of violence than any others. I came back from that battered and bruised, but not for the reason I had to publicly give. I always wondered if my mom had suspicions about Marcus and I also wondered why she didn't do more if she did.

Would she have been able to really do anything besides put herself in danger, Kat? Think about it.

I swallow thickly and trying to keep back the tears of anger that seem to come from nowhere; anger I don't want to feel for my parents and refuse to.

After I healed up, I spent time in Amity, helping out there wherever they needed me. When I came back from that time, that's when the changes were made. Mom might have been trying to help, but she would never know how much worse things became for me after that. He got smart and any damage was never that visible again.

The loud crack of Lynn snapping her fingers right in front of my face jars me and I flinch before I recover. I look around and see everyone frowning at me or looking concerned.

"You doing okay, Kat? You've been spaced out for a few minutes now." Mar asks as she reaches out and puts out a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I mentally berate myself but allow a tired sigh to escape me as I nod. "I'm not going to lie, I feel like I could go back to bed right now. The sleep meds last night did help but not sleeping well in the dorms, plus being hurt, it's catching up to me." I reply truthfully and shrug. "I'm a little spacey feeling."

Everyone but Chase seems to really accept this. He looks at me long and hard before he sighs, shakes his head, and looks away. Whatever he sees has him scowling so I follow his eyes and find Four leaning against a wall not far off and scowling at us in general. I could tell that Chase sitting next to me was bothering him. Enough that it was pretty clear when I caught the little flash of jealousy in his eyes.

Oh, we will be having that talk soon, Tobias Eaton.

I've been dreading and avoiding things for far too long and now I'm looking forward to it.

"Time to make our way to the tracks," Chase says on a growl as he stands up, giving Four hard eyes that make him back down and start directing the other initiates around him. Chase turns his head back to me and puts out a hand with a smirk on his lips. "Come on, stumpy. You need more time to get your short legs to match everyone else's."

The taunt and smirk are playful but my return glare is a little heated. I accepted the hand up and squeezed his just a bit too hard and long, causing him to laugh when I released it in a snarl and shuffled off.

The walk is slow going, or slower than I would like. I want to push myself to go faster up the stairs and other various paths we have to take to the exit Four's leading us to but since Tris is struggling just as much as I am, I don't. We catch sight of Peter walking ahead of us, and you would think it would make us feel good to see him struggling. To see him walking gingerly with his fists clenched at his sides as he goes.

Honestly, it doesn't feel good at all and a pang of guilt rushes through me. I look at Tris and see that mirrored in her eyes, knowing she feels even more guilt because she's the one that delivered the blow. I give her a tight smile of understanding as I link my arm through hers and tug her on, speeding us up just a little.

I want to get past Peter if I can and we manage to pass him and his friends even if we don't get much farther ahead of them before we reach the stop to wait for the train.

I'm not prepared for the run.

At. All.

I know Tris is in the same condition but she's a bit better than me. My side is protesting me breathing much less trying to run, but I push on. I'm one of the last ones still running. Ahead of me, Tris reaches out for the train door but hands shoot out and grab her, lifting her effortlessly into the car. I saw her discomfort the second Al's hands made contact with her, but I couldn't do much beyond glare at him while I huffed and puffed and tried to get on myself.

A rock leaps out of the ground, from nowhere, and my foot catches on it. I know I'm in trouble and it's going to hurt like hell when I face plant into the ground. I brace myself for impact but it never comes.

Hands are lifting me up into the car.

I get ready to thank my savior profusely, knowing it's most likely Chase only to look up and see green eyes glaring at me coldly. I think I mutter something like…'do what now'.

Peter Hayes jerks his hands away from me like I'm carrying some infectious disease and moves off with a sneer on his lips.

I kinda still want to thank him while the other part of me wants to call him a dick. I don't get the chance to do either. Lynn pulls me to the other side of the car with a deadly glare being aimed at Peter's back and her hissing to me in my ear along the way.

"What the fuck was that about?"

I shake my head, still fairly stunned. "I have no goddamn clue. Did he at least look like he was thinking about throwing me from the train?" I know I'm grasping for ideas about what might have possessed him to have done that.

Maybe just my death or maiming wouldn't have been enough to satisfy him and he wants it to be by his actual hand? That seems plausible.

I realize I say this out loud when Lynn's lips tilt in amusement and she shakes her head. " I don't know. We both saw you running but I was further away. I saw him roll his eyes and start cursing the 'stupid stiff' then he reached out and just plucked you up."

I shrug it off and look around for Tris, wanting to check on her. I spot Al first, slumped against the wall and looking miserable. It's pretty much the only expression I ever see on his face. I look to either side of him and see Christina and Will but no Tris. I scan further into the car and spot her talking to Four. Whatever is being said must not be good because it has her shaking her head and spinning away from him, leaving Four with a sour look on his face and glaring in Al's direction.

"Good job, ace," I mutter to low for anyone to hear and roll my eyes in exasperation at Tobias messing up as usual.

Whatever Al and Four did or said pissed my sister off good. She frostily avoids them and joins the rest of us. Standing beside Lynn with Uri flanking the other side. We lean against the wall of the train and make small talk as it speeds through the different city center sectors, heading out into the wide open spaces that Amity calls home.

Most of the ride is really spent by us enjoying the fresh air and sun that shines after it breaks over the mountains. Will keeps the conversation going by rattling off knowledge he learned in Erudite as we go along with others making jokes or comments about the tidbits he offers. It's all mostly good-natured and not making fun of Will himself, though a few times I would say that Christina gets close it. I've learned to deal with this by mostly just biting my lip and keeping quiet. I seriously don't think she realizes how she comes off in times like these and it's almost like she can't help it.

Lynn surprised everybody when she was the most responsive to Will as if she was truly interested in what he was saying. This was generally after Christina had made some comment about Will not knowing how to turn off his Erudite. I couldn't tell if it was just to piss the former Candor off, or if because she really was interested. I think it might have been a combination of both.

At one point, I tuned them out when I got caught up watching the landscape roll by. I loved watching as the mountains near Amity got closer. I moved closer to the door to have a wider view and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the wind whipping through it and around me. It's cold and has a definite bite to it even with the sun out to warm things up, but the jacket I was provided by Eric helps to keep it tolerable.

I can't help that my lips curl into a smile at that memory of Eric helping me get dressed and then again with the jacket.

"Penny for your thoughts," Chase's deep voices rumbles from beside me and I open my eyes to look at him. He's moved so that he's actually in the doorway of the train, arms crossed over his chest and feet planted so that he fully braced.

I smile at his use of that old adage and laugh softly. "I don't think they're even worth a penny."

He gives a shoulder lift and smirks. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that."

"I was just thinking that I didn't thank person, or persons, responsible for the fact that I'm not a freezing mess right now. The jacket is very nice."

A smile lights up his face and eyes even though he casually shrugs. "I'm sure whoever was responsible just wanted to make sure you didn't come home sick on top of being hurt. They might also have been sure you needed full winter gear. Gloves, hat, boots and a thicker coat just to name a few things. That got denied when it only got two votes in favor of it."

I let out a loud laugh and shake my head while trying to imagine what other items would have been added and how ridiculous I would have looked. I say as much to Chase and he laughs right along with me.

"We might be a tad over-protective of you, if you haven't noticed, Kat."

I blush red and shake my head. "You think? Let me guess, Zach was the voice of reason?"

By now we've lowered our voices and mine adds this even lower, making sure that no one else can hear us. I glance around and see that no one is really paying us much attention.

No one except Lynn that is when she sees me looking she raises an eyebrow and pointedly looks away. I know she'll ask about it later but for now, she's content to just keep a look out for me.

"You would be correct in that guess," Chase says with a smile in his voice, bringing my attention back to him. "Although, we did all agree it was a good idea to just go ahead and have that all on hand for you."

He says that so casually, but I see the way his eyes cut over to look at me worriedly. I guess there wasn't any way to hide how my smile dropped as a myriad of feelings rushed forward.

The first is the one I'm most used to, not wanting anyone to go to any trouble or being inconvenienced for me. I realize that is an Abnegation trait but it's also part of my pride. I didn't hate my friends buying or giving me things but I enjoyed the sense of independence and freedom I had to either get them on my own or not.

Being given something from Eric, Chase, and Zach...it was a confusing mix of pleasure and worry that overwhelmed my first instinct. The worry is that they are doing this because they feel like they need to do this. I worry that that need is because they also see me as weak.

I don't know if it's something in my expression Chase off to the battle being waged in me but he nudges me with his elbow, making me turn and look at him.

All humor from both of us is gone and he looks so serious right now, his eyebrows drawn together and forehead wrinkled. He isn't scowling or frowning but I can see something of that in his eyes.

"Kat," He starts out, stops and takes a breath before releasing it slowly and leaning just a bit closer so I can hear him clearly but no one else will. "We don't think you're weak. And just because someone does something for someone else doesn't mean that it's because they think the other person couldn't do it for themselves. Anything we do for you, or with you, isn't going to be because you aren't capable. It's because we can and we want to. I'll be honest and admit that I know it might come off wrong, especially when certain people can be overbearing about things. But I think you can tell that even in the short amount of time you've been here we've all come to...care for you. Look at it this way, you wouldn't think twice about giving one of your friends or family something would you?"

I was already feeling petty and like a little girl but this comment just made me feel even worse for letting my feelings overshadow their generosity towards me.

I believe Chase when he says they don't think me weak but I don't think he gets that I don't mean in a physical way. In terms of knowledge and skill, I know I'm weak when compared to them. While I'm here feeling upset and worried about that I should see that the real gift, the real value, the thing that means the most, is their willingness to share that with me. To pass it on.

I should be feeling grateful and appreciative instead of letting my pride and stubbornness come back and bite me in the ass again.

"I would do the same thing. I would do what I could to make sure the person I cared about is taken care of. It wouldn't be me looking down on them or trying to ingratiate them to me. It wouldn't be any more than me being who I am and doing what I believe in; a protector, a provider and a good friend."

It almost looked like he was apprehensive about something in my answer until he smiles at me and it lights up his eyes once again. "Exactly. Just remember that tomorrow too, Kat. It's going to be hard to do when he starts the training he has planned for you. But like I said, it will never be because we...he...thinks you're weak."

I didn't like the ominous tone in his words at all. I can't imagine what Eric has planned and I have to stop myself from asking since it seems like Chase knows. I think it might be better if I don't know. I might just chicken out.

Yeah right. That'll just make it worse.

I nod and smile tightly. "I think I already knew that something like that was coming. I don't know how it wouldn't be after yesterday."

Uri and Mar choose that moment to get into a playful scuffle that spills over and knocks me off my feet slightly. Thankfully I was able to reach out and latch onto Lynn and catch myself. When I look back to Chase, I see he's already moved off and Lynn is standing there smirking at me with a creepy appraising look.

"What?" I snap at her and pull away then straighten myself out.

"You going to tell me what all that was about?" Her knowing, taunting, pierced eyebrow lift makes me want to smack her and give her some kind of comeback telling her to mind her own business until I remember that I do actually, really, want and need to talk to her.

I look around and see that this is not really the time or place to start it out anyway. I shake my head in the negative and look back at her. "Not right now but I was thinking that tonight we could…."

I don't even get a chance to complete that sentence before she gives a little fist pump. "Yes!" She exclaims in a slight hush and with a beautifully wicked grin. "Beers and girl talk!"

I laugh and nod. "Yeah," I agree then frown and look over at Mar regretfully. "But can it be just us? Would that be okay?"

She shrugs and briefly looks over at Mar with a tight smile. "I'm sure she won't even notice if Uri keeps her occupied for the night. Lately, he always does."

She can't help how she feels any more than Uri and Mar can help how they do. It's a sucky situation to be in. Loving or wanting a person you can never have.

I nodded in reply and made sure not to give her a pitying look. Even before I knew a bit of how she felt, I always knew that would just make it worse for her.

"So, tonight after dinner we can sneak away," I respond with a cheerful smile and excited bounce that draws a smile out of her.

We join the others now that plans have been made, just in time for the tall fence to finally come in view.

"What do you think is out there?" Tris nods her head towards the door of the train in the direction of the fence and the mountains that we can see beyond it.

Christina shrugs beside Tris, looking completely bored and more interested in her nail polish that she's scowling at as she tries to apply with the pen it comes in. "What else would you expect to find other than more farms? Everyone knows that Amity has some of them outside of the fence."

"Yeah, I get that, Christina." Tris snaps at her friend, bristling at the tone more than the words. "I know that just after the fence Amity has more farms but I'm talking beyond those and over the mountains."

Uri looks out the door for a second then looks back with a grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Monsters!" He says while wiggling his eyebrows at her and trying to make his voice sound ominous.

Tris just rolls her eyes and laughs along with the rest of us. Of course, Will knows something to add and doesn't hesitate to do that once the laughter calms down.

"Something has to be out there. Maybe there wasn't before but I think there has to be now. We didn't even have guards always stationed near the fence until about fifteen years ago." He says but it's more like he's talking to himself as he looked off into the distance rolling by us out of the train door; as if it's providing him answers right then. "Just like when the Dauntless used to patrol the factionless sectors but then stopped, something must have happened to cause that."

I go absolutely still at his words, especially when he looks dead and me, thoughtfully, then looks over at Tris. "You guys would know all about that right?"

Tris is looking at me worriedly and gives a small shake of her head, warning me not to panic and say anything I'm going to regret. It's hard, so hard, but I let her handle it even when I can tell it's just as painful for her.

"Why would you say that?" She asks, her tone icy and cold. Raising more than a few eyebrows from our friends around us. The tone and the way she's looking at Will is unexpected I'm sure.

Will's expression is genuinely shocked and puzzled. "Well, you were Abnegation and even as dependents you still had to walk through the sectors to get home. I would think that it would have been talked about a lot at the time and maybe you two heard about it."

"Abnegation aren't nosy gossips." I spit out and immediately feel guilty about a knee-jerk reaction. I take a few deep breaths in the silence that descends the group and hurriedly do my mantras to try and center myself again.

"Dependents aren't really included in adult conversations, Will. Most of the faction believes in the philosophy of children being seen but not heard so talking about things like that weren't done. We were really young when the Dauntless were ordered to leave the sectors. One day they were there, the next they weren't and it was never explained, as far as I know." Tris says quietly while she explains, truthfully, a bit of how our faction works.

It seems our friends accept this but it still remains a bit awkward until that is broken through by Christina speaking up.

"How did you know the way those two had to go home? Did you memorize a city map for fun?" She asks with a laugh.

For once, I am thankful for Christina's brash and sometimes obnoxious methods of being playful.

"Yes. Didn't you?" Will replies in a completely straight tone of voice with just a tiny hint of being offended but we all see his lips twitching just a little and know he's being at least a little playful in return.

The train's brakes start to squeal and we all lurch forward as it begins to stop. When it finally completes the stop, Four calls out to all of us from the end of the car.

"Alright everyone, follow me,"

We do. Leaping out of the door in groups. The impact of my jump sendings jarring, shooting pains through me and I groan but keep pace with the others.

A long day looms ahead of me. Despite knowing it's going to be hell on my body with all the climbing, I can't help the tingles of anticipation for the challenge ahead, and the reward of the view from the top.