A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting but now that summer fun is over, I can hopefully get back to writing. Here is the next installment for your reading pleasure.
Disclaimer: I own naught but my own plot...
Chapter 25 - You're Gonna Regret That
Kat
Everything ached on me by the time I plopped into my seat at dinner. Tris mimicked me on one side while Lynn was easing into the spot to my other side with a scowl on her face.
"What. The. Actual. Fuck?" Lynn fumed as a very unwelcome lurker slid into an open seat at the far end of our table.
I glance at Peter from the side of my eye and sigh tiredly but Tris scowls at him, throwing him a dirty look. "Seriously. What's up with him today?" She hissed quietly to the two of us.
"I'm thinking pod people. It's the only logical explanation at this point." I shrug and poke at the pasta on my plate.
"Who are you guys talking about?" Zeke asks, looking between the three of us worriedly.
I know Lynn and Tris are wanting to blab it all out, but the last thing I need to do is raise an alarm for any of my friends and possibly derail my plans for the night. So I nudge them with my elbows and give a small shake of my head to warn them off.
"Peter is being less odious than I would have thought possible and it's kind of throwing us all off." I gave a casual shrug and my painted on a smile but my words were all true.
I couldn't even begin to describe how Peter's been acting all day. It really is like something out of science fiction books I've read before where someone suddenly starts behaving in a completely different way and it turns out aliens are somehow responsible.
It began with the train but didn't end there. The entire time we spent on the fence he was there. Uncomfortably close. We all got to climb to the very top of the fence and walk along a section of it. The views were amazing at that dizzying height. But every time I got even the slightest bit close to the edge Peter would suddenly be there, shoving me away from it, yelling at me for me being an idiot and that if I wanted to throw myself off could I at least wait until he was nowhere near me. If that was what he wanted, he sure as hell wasn't giving me the room to follow through with that. Other than that incident, he didn't even talk to me. In fact, when his friends started in on insulting me about something, he would say something to them that completely shut them up.
Whatever it was that made him flip and become this weird pod person, it seemed like it didn't extend to my sister or friends really. Them he just ignored completely, which just made it even more confusing. Tris and Lynn were just as much at a loss for what was going on with him as I was. Uri and Mar didn't seem all that concerned with whatever was going on with him and Chase just thought it was hilarious.
As disturbing all of that is I really don't have the energy to try and figure out what's up with him right now.
"Maybe he recently experienced a great incentive for an attitude adjustment." Zeke grins and winks over at Tris, and we all know he's referring to their fight.
Tris blushes red and shakes her head but doesn't bother to reply as the others snicker and laugh. I'm busy eyeing Chase, who snorted loudly into his cup and had this shit-eating grin on his face while Zach is laughing hard. Then Chase mutters something to Zach and they both looked down the table at Peter with the most wicked smiles I have ever seen either of them wearing. Peter pales and jerks slightly as he wrenches his head away to look somewhere else.
"That would be a fucking understatement," Chase laughed out.
My head turns to take in Peter again, who isn't moving and looks terrified as those two continue to stare him down. I don't blame him for that reaction, but it still confuses me and I turn to look back at Chase and Zach. When they see I'm looking at them, and that I'm clearly wanting to know what the hell that's all about. I get a smile from Zach and a smug grin from Chase that turns into a laugh when I let out a frustrated huff.
"Hey, Uri, you planning on taking Mar to that movie night you owe her tonight since we have so much free time?"
Lynn's words break me from the glare-off Chase and I were locked in and I snap my head to look at Uri. This is the start of the plan we came up with to be able to sneak away from the group.
"I don't remember owing her one but it sounds good to me. What do you say, Mar? Will you allow me to treat you to a movie?"
Mar smiles and blushes as she nods. "Sounds good to me too. Do I get to pick the movie?"
That smooth charm Uri was trying to ooze breaks as his smile falters for just a second. Zeke joins me and Lynn in giving knowing chuckles that become full-on laughs when Mar bats her eyes at him and snuggles into his side. His smile goes back to full power and his dread of whatever chick flick she has in store for the night is forgotten just like that.
Maybe I need to talk to Mar at some point and pick up some damn pointers if she can get her way with just one little look.
"What are your plans for tonight?" Mar asks from Uri's side while her eyes flick to me, Tris and Lynn.
Tris responds first, quickly, almost too quickly and with a slightly telling blush. "I think Christina might have wanted to hang out or something."
I know she's up to something but I can't exactly call her on that when I am too, can I? Besides, it's not like it's hard for me to figure out what she will likely be up to. It's a relief that I'm not going to have to ditch her. I would have felt bad about that.
I look at Lynn for her to answer for us. She knows that if I tried to lie about this, they would know in a heartbeat.
"Cool. I think I'm going to show Kat around to a few of our favorite places, especially the place that does the custom knives." Lynn says with a casual shrug and the others buy it.
At least I think they do.
Chase looks at me and narrows his eyes for a second but he doesn't say anything. I determined that I needed to get out of here fast, especially if I want to avoid a certain person. I started to wolf my food down until I saw that was drawing a few looks, so I slowed down and matched Lynn's pace. Tris still gives me a disapproving look.
"What? I'm hungry." I muttered after swallowing my last mouthful of food and looking at Lynn, who finished and already has her tray put back together and is starting to stand up.
"We'll catch up to you guys later. Enjoy the movie you two, and Tris…" She pauses and looks at Tris, her nose all scrunched up "I guess you can try to enjoy yourself too."
Her tone suggested that she didn't believe my sister was actually going to be able to enjoy spending time with Christina. I bite my lower lip to hold in the amusement and stand along with her, murmuring 'bye' to everyone at the table and avoiding looking at either Chase or Zach as I do.
"We will see you later, Kat," Chase calls out before I could get too far away.
I wince but can't bring myself to turn back, so I kind of wave to him over my shoulder while Lynn snickers beside me. I try to elbow her in the side but she was expecting it and just links our arms together while laughing.
"Shut up with that," I grumble moodily at her.
"I didn't say anything."
I sigh tiredly and shake my head as we keep on walking. "You don't need to. I know what you're thinking."
"Then you know I'm thinking we need to tear ass to my apartment and grab the supplies and get to where we are going before the dogs are set loose on you."
On the train ride back home Chase checked in with me to see if I was hurting or not. I replied truthfully that while I am hurting it's not nearly as bad as before. The pills he gave me when we had lunch at the fence helped. That was when he mentioned that they would have some more for me after dinner. I knew I was going to be skipping out on those and I'm sure that Chase and Zach now realize that's what I'm doing.
My agreement is silent as we hurry along to her mom's apartment. I have to admit that whatever they gave me has helped me a lot. I'm going to have to find a way to thank them.
Just not tonight.
Normally, I wouldn't want to drink to get drunk. It goes along with that whole control thing that I normally strive for. I feel such a mess though and I need to be able to talk about things. It was Lynn that once told me that sometimes you just need to let go and be stupid so you can get it all out of your system.
That's what I'm hoping I can do tonight. Get all the crazy out and tomorrow face the music I know I'm bound for.
"It sounds to me like Eric is interested in you, Kat," Lynn proclaims with a smile and shaking her head.
I huff and take another sip of beer from the bottle in my hand. It's my first beer while she's on her second. I'm almost done with this one but it's been hard to get over the taste. Frankly, it tastes like piss smells and I said as much to her. After she picked herself up from laughing her ass off she promised to come up with some not so noxious the next time we have a girl's night. Which is what she officially labeled tonight.
"I don't think so, Lynn," I mutter darkly and shake my head in denial.
We've been hiding out in some spot she knew about down in the Chasm; a good-sized nook that could be classified as a cave. There are a few things down here that suggest she comes here quite often. A battery-operated lantern and a wooden crate that serves as a table and storage place.
It took a bit for me to open up and tell her everything that's going on with me and Eric. I was hesitant because the more I thought about things the more I'm convinced that I'm overreacting and reading too much into events that have happened. The more I sipped on the beer, the less I hesitant I felt and the looser my tongue became. In the end, I told her pretty much everything that's happened so far between us.
"Come on, Kat. You've told me that it looked like he was going to kiss you a few times and that you even thought he might be sporting wood in the bathroom." She chuckled at my blush but I noticed she was blushing pretty hard herself. "Those are all signs of being attracted to someone."
I think about her words, and as much as I wanted to believe them, there's something holding me back. Something I can't define or explain. It's funny how the mind works though, or at least my mind. It won't settle for not understanding and will seek out an answer, even creating one if necessary, to satisfy it.
"I know it seems like that might be the case but I've been thinking a lot about this."
"That's probably the problem right there," She muttered into her beer bottle and smirked at me when I shot a glare at her.
"And what I've determined is that this is no different than you and Mar." I wince when I see her flinch but I rush on. "You said yourself that at first, you wondered if she did or could return your feelings, mainly because of when she would hug or cuddle with you it felt like she might. You also said that you realized Mar is just naturally affectionate and it was just you reading too much into her actions and. I think the same thing is going on with me and him." I stop and lower the bottle to the ground and stare at it woefully. "If he wanted to kiss me, really wanted to, then he would have. He's just that type. Eric is the kind of guy that does what he wants, when and where he wants to, right? But he didn't. So, despite whatever signs I might be seeing that you think are him being aroused it's not really for me, Lynn. His body might be is reacting to the contact, but the fact that he doesn't follow it through tells me it's not something he wants with me."
She's quiet, too quiet, and when I look up I can see the agreement and commiseration in her eyes. She reaches forward and grabs two new beers, cracks the tops open and hands me one with a sigh and a muttered 'drink up'.
Shauna looks like a deer in the headlights right now as she looks between me and Lynn.
"You want me to go to the clinic and get you what?"
"The shot. Please." Lynn repeats, her words only slightly slurred.
"Yes, I heard that part but not what shot in particular." Shauna huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes as she takes us both in.
I know it's no use even trying to pretend we aren't drunk right now. We did attempt to straighten up before we got to her sister's apartment, but gave it up as a lost cause and decided to just roll with it.
This is Dauntless dammit, not Abnegation, and I refuse to feel guilty for living it up for once.
"Don't be stupid, Shauna. THE SHOT." She practically yells those two words, drawing them out at the same time. Then she looks over at me with a big stupid grin on her face. "Our Kat here seems to finally realize there is more to life than training and we want to make sure she's protected when she starts exploring."
"Lynn!" I yelled, turning red and glaring at her.
"Kat," Shauna puts her hand on my shoulder and studies me for a few long seconds that seem to drag out to me in my inebriated state. If she was stunned before that's gone now. I can see the wheels going on behind her appraising eyes. She nods, one firm nod of her head that lets me know she's come to some kind of decision. "I think it's a good idea. I've said for years now that all the initiates need to come into the clinic before training kicks in, and part of that is to make sure all the girls have their birth control shots. You might not plan on being sexually active any time soon, but it's better to be prepared."
Lynn is laughing and smirking, pointing at how red I started to turn as Shauna kept talking until her sister snaps at her to shut up and turns back to me, waiting for my answer.
"Fine," I sigh and nod.
"Good. Now, I'll go to the clinic and get what we need, then we'll get you sorted and we can talk more. There are things those books, movies, and magazines won't be able to tell you. You to Lynn," Shauna grinned over at her sister who looked like she was going to object but one look from me, half begging and the other half threatening, and she gave a nod of agreement too.
"We're going to need more beer for this," Lynn warned me as we watched Shauna walking towards her door.
I nod up and down slowly and with more than a little embarrassment for what I could only guess is in store for us with the gleaming look in Shauna's eye. "Lots."
"Oh Gawd…" I groaned pitifully as I felt waves of nausea and pain crash into me as soon as I woke up.
I couldn't get my arms to work to stop the goddamn alarm that seemed so much louder than it ever has before, making the pain in my head explode.
I try to keep it silent as I writhe on the bed wondering how I ended up in the seventh circle of hell with the words of elders droning on about the evils of overindulgence and how those sinners are punished.
Well, shit. The old hags weren't lying.
Trying to remember when I went from mildly tipsy to outright drunk doesn't help at all. It's all a big blur after Lynn asked Shauna to get that damn birth control shot for me. The door had barely closed behind her sister when Lynn came back from raiding her and Zeke's cabinets with a bottle of something clear that smelled like the paint remover I used back in Abnegation to remove the graffiti Dauntless kids liked to leave all over the factionless sector.
I remember drinking it from a small glass that Lynn filled for me and then... that's all she wrote...
My arm is still vibrating from the alarm of my watch and that is causing my head to be included since I currently have that arm trying to keep my head in place instead of exploding. The alarm makes this harder because the shrill sound is being driven directly into my skull from its current position.
"You can shut that shit off now, Stiff." A gruff voice says alarmingly close to me and has me jerking back in surprise.
The sudden motion caused my stomach to roll and churn violently and I clapped a hand over my mouth to stop the retching noise that escapes me.
My eyes are wide as I watch Peter almost jump away from me, a scowl on his face. "I swear to everything holy that if you throw up on me I'm going to throw you into the Chasm and put us both out of our fucking misery, stiff."
Putting me out of my misery sounds awesome right now and I'm beyond caring how that's accomplished. Something I moan and groan over and over again before Peter hisses at me to be quiet.
"Shut it, Stiff," He takes my arm, yanking it towards him as he hovers over me and turns the alarm off.
"What are you doing to Kat?" I cracked an eye open to see that the angry person joining Peter in witnessing my misery is Edward who looks like he's trying to crowd Peter and move him away from me in a protective manner.
I would find that sweet if I wasn't so miserable and embarrassed right now.
"I didn't do shit to her, she did it to herself. The stiff can't handle her liquor. But you could be of some actual use here and help me get her to the bathroom."
I felt them moving closer after Edward gave a gruff word of agreement. I could tell they were trying to be gentle as they decided to pick me up and carry me to the bathroom, with one of them guiding the way through the mostly dark room but any kind of movement at all seemed to make the rolling in my stomach come to a boil and I barely get out a word of warning before I slapped a hand over my mouth.
"I'm going to blow,"
Thankfully they were already near the toilet and I was hurriedly put down in front of it before I lurched forward and hunched over, as it felt like my insides were determined to see if they could survive outside of my body. I've never been so happy to see a toilet in my life as I hugged it close while my body took over.
I can hear faint rumblings behind me from those two while I continue to wretch and I wonder why they can't just leave me alone. Minutes pass after I heard something being said about getting some water and aspirin for me. They thankfully leave me alone or at least back away for a little while. I notice this when there's a lull in my heaving.
Just when I think I might be done and it's finally over, my body is seized with a violent cramp as my stomach lurches again. I can feel hands holding my hair back for me. They are way too large to be my sister's hands so I know one of those two are getting a first-hand look at my misery.
I'm too tired and sick to care which one it could as the spasms finally subside and I collapse into a heap then lay my head on my arms that are still wrapped around the toilet.
" 'M never drinkin again," I mumble in a hoarse rasp.
Dread fills me when a deep baritone chuckle comes from behind me and I realize that it's not Edward or Peter. I turn my head slowly, afraid to find out who it might be, but already half knowing that there are really only three people that it could be.
My relief at finding Zach is short-lived by a simple quirking of his eyebrow along with his lips that thin just slightly.
"I wouldn't be too relieved just yet, princess. Did you really think after your little show in the Pit last night that you wouldn't have at least a talking to coming from me and Chase? I don't think I even need to say what Eric might have planned for you regardless of what state we knew you were going to wake up in."
I can feel all the blood drain from me at even the thought of facing Eric right now. Seeing Zach looking at me with disappointment is bad enough.
His eyes soften slightly and he sighs as he and shakes his head then opens a small bag he has beside him. He takes a rag and a bottle of water pours some on the rag then wrings it and passes it over to me with a soft command to use and clean myself up. After I clean my face up a bit, he passes the water bottle and directs me to use the rest to rinse my mouth out, while pulling another full one out for me to drink slowly from and a few pills he hands me as well.
This is all done in relative silence. While I was sipping on the water I heard him muttering something about me needing to shower before he got up and disappeared back into the sleeping area. By the time he gets back I'm standing on shaky legs and ready to confront one of the questions that are on my mind right now.
"You said something about my performance in the Pit?" I asked timidly, unsure if I'm more afraid of what his answer is going to be or seeing more of that disappointment in his eyes.
"I take it you don't remember?"
I shake my head no in response and wince at the lance of pain and pounding in my head.
"Was it really bad?" I ask after that finally subsides enough for me to speak again.
"It wasn't pretty but I'm sure it could have been much worse. I'm also sure your friends will be happy to fill you in. Take a shower and get cleaned up. I have to go check on something but I'll be back in fifteen minutes."
"Why bother when I'm about to become a sweaty and bloody mess in just a bit?" I grump out moodily.
"Because showing up smelling like a brewery will make it even worse." Zach comes almost snaps at me before giving me a pointed look and points to the shower.
I don't object again as I slink off to get my stuff for the shower. I hear him leaving the dorm shortly after he made sure I was headed back to the shower. I clean up as quietly as I can and try not to think too much about what is in store for me.
I'm not that upset I'm being denied my normal morning coffee as Zach leads me straight to the Dauntless-born training room. My stomach, while better than when I woke up, is still churning enough that I think coffee would be a very bad idea. It doesn't help that Zach has been absolutely silent the entire time with a very clear look of anger and disappointment in his eyes every time they catch mine.
Finally, I can't take it anymore. "Did I do something really awful last night, Zach?"
His head turns to look down at me with a glare. "You drank after getting severely hurt. Do you know how bad fucking bad that could have been with the contusion? Not to mention that this is probably the first time you've ever drank and you had no one sober to watch out for you!"
He stopped dead in his tracks at this last part, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.
"I.." I stop and lick my lips and shake my head slowly. "I didn't know it would be bad to drink with a head injury. And I didn't mean to drink so much at all either. Neither of us did. I just needed…" I stop when I'm unable to put into words how I'm feeling especially when it will give so much away.
"This was the last thing I would have ever expected from you considering how you feel about taking pain medications. So what was it that you needed so damn bad you drank yourself into oblivion?"
There's something about his tone, in how it reminds me so much of the disappointed or disapproving lectures I got back in Abnegation that has all of the embarrassment and guilt quickly being replaced by anger and stubborn rebellion with thoughts of not liking being talked to and treated like a child when I am an adult.
Not to mention that my feelings are still all a mess and have been since I landed on the roof. All that frustration, confusion and anger have built up in me and I explode.
"My life goddammit! I needed to not be in my head or emotions for one goddamn second so I don't feel like walking, talking and breathing version of the Chasm. Things are happening that I don't know how to handle and I needed help...advice...something that could help me make sense of everything."
By the time I finished, I'm panting while Zach is looking at me with slightly widened eyes that slowly soften after what I just admitted registers for him. It's about that time that I realized what I let slip too. I deflate as my cheeks flame in embarrassment while Zach reaches forward and pulls me into a hug.
"Don't be embarrassed, Kat. I'm glad you said something and I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner. I know a lot of things going on are completely new to you. I'm glad you have friends to help you through it all, but you also have me too."
He pulled back to look at me and reached up to wipe away a few of the tears that escaped despite my trying to hold them in. I nod in agreement as even more tears fall.
"I know, Zach. Its just...it was about...you know…," I can't even finish what I'm saying. It's just too damn embarrassing and is exactly why I needed to get drunk last night to even be able to talk about it with Lynn.
"Yeah, I might suck at the advice in that area but if you feel comfortable enough to come to me, I will always try for you." He admits after turning a bit red and rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile.
I laugh and nod then reach up and swipe at my eyes, trying to pull myself together. He reaches out again and gives me another quick hug then pulls back with a sigh when his phone goes off.
Even with the embarrassment I do feel a bit lighter after my outburst and releasing a few tears. It reminds me of when I was younger and had moments like these. I would get so mad at myself for crying but my mom would tell me that sometimes a person just needed to have a good cry. She never tried to make me feel bad or like I was weak. Zach's actions remind me so much of her. Something that has me feeling homesick as well as confused when I think that I've known him for less than two months. It makes me wonder if this is another thing I'm reading too much into and if it's possible for any of these men to really look at me like I'm coming to see them.
"Zach?" I call out softly.
"Yeah, princess?" He replies distractedly, still not looking at me but at the screen of his phone while he types something in.
His use of the nickname I barely recognized earlier in the dorm has me frowning but even more resolved to ask him before I chicken out. "Why me, Zach?"
"Why you what, Kat?" He asks after looking up with a deep frown.
I don't answer right away. Instead, I look down at my hands and shuffle my feet a little bit while debating letting this go and telling Zach I didn't mean anything. I catch his movement as he puts his phone back in his jacket and moves closer.
"I said you can talk to me about anything and I mean it." I look back up at him to see him looking at me with such sincere concern.
"I guess I just don't understand why any of you are being so nice to me. It hasn't been too hard for me to figure out that while you and Chase are slightly more friendly with other people, none of you are close with anyone else besides each other; but all of you have let me in. So, why me?"
I had to force myself to look at Zach and watch his reaction which seemed to take entirely too long before he let out a deep breath and frowned.
"That's hard to answer, princess. You're right that we don't really have more than casual friends outside of each other. We all share something from our pasts that bonded us, made us more like brothers. And, I can't speak for Chase and Eric but I know that for me, the fact that there are similar things you have experienced is part of why I've been able to feel close to you in a short time. There is also the fact that you remind me of someone I cared for very much. My sister Beth. She was my little princess, she was so kind and caring but also very smart. She also had a lot of the same passion that I see in you. I've never used that nickname for anyone else, but I know she would have approved of me using it with you."
I guess that confession should have made me feel better and on some levels it did. But whatever feelings I might have that he feels that way about me are all dulled by the horror as he keeps referring to his sister in the past tense.
"Would have…" I whisper out loud hoping he will deny that as well the reason the horror I'm feeling deepens as other realizations and connections are made for me. Zach's face as I was talking about the attack from the factionless. His mentioning the fact that we have things from our past that connect us.
"No!" I scream out a plea as it all collides together in my mind making pain flair up and the lights to dance in front of my eyes just before it all goes dark.