Chapter 27 - Beautiful Pain

Kat

Someone's gotta hate

It's never gonna change

Gets harder everyday

It's a hell of a place

To keep your heart from freezing

To keep yourself believing

~Amen; Halestorm

The pain in my head and the hurt in my heart is so bad that I feel like I'm blacking out and my knees give out from under me. Zach catches me, calling my name but I can't respond. I'm barely holding onto consciousness.

I can hear the concern in Eric's voice as he demands to know what is going on from Zach while I'm being carried into the training room. I'm sat down on something and Zach helps me to sit up, asking me if I'm okay.

I'm not okay.

But I can't tell him that so I nodded a little, enough for him to feel okay with letting me sit up by myself. As soon as he's gone it feels like my chest breaks open and I curl into it, trying to stem the tears and when I can't, I try to hide them from the two men in the room.

Don't let this break you!

It almost does.

It's one thing to know, logically, that there are people out there who were or have been affected by the events of that day. It's a completely different thing to come face to face with it and it be someone who I have come to care for so deeply.

It almost tears me apart with the weight of grief I feel for Zach and his loss. A loss I caused.

You didn't cause this. You know who did this and it was never you.

Marcus.

And I almost let him win just now.

In all the years and all those times he used pain and the guilt I feel like a weapon to try and break me, I had never given in. He never broke my spirit even though he tried so hard and failed.

This morning he almost won. I almost let him win.

I can hear Eric and Zach arguing and my tears calm as I listen. Not really wanting to hear how much they blame me or how disgusted they might be, but figuring it's at the very least what I deserve.

I don't ever hear that from either of the men in front of me. I hear their worries and I feel it radiating from them, like warmth, that washes over me, even from Eric who sounds angry at the moment, and that stops me from shattering.

They don't believe I'm to blame. That it wasn't, at the very least, all my fault. I hear Zach telling Eric that he doesn't blame me and wants me to not blame myself either.

Why can't I do the same?

I've never asked myself that question before. Never wanted to or thought I deserved to. This pain has always been a burden but just something I thought was only fitting for me to feel. That if I ever didn't feel it, then I would be betraying my promise to make things right again.

I've always viewed that pain as a weakness, my secret shame, but isn't that letting Marcus win by doing that?

I don't know. But I do know that if it is, then it's time to change that, to use it for something else and make it my own. A numb satisfaction settles on me at my decision.

"It's not his fault, Eric." The words feel like they are being spoken by someone else, someone else controlling my body while I try to regain the control I need but can't manage on my own.

I watch through dispassionate eyes as they turn to look at me. Eyes full of surprise and growing worry, and I guess I don't blame them. I do sound rather robotic.

"None of it is his fault but I know who to blame for this." I feel a rising passion and anger rushing forward and replacing all that shame, guilt and fear. "I may not be able to change what happened or the part I played, but what happens from now on will be up to me."

And there it is.

Exactly what I need to put myself back together. I can't ever get rid of those other things. They're just ingrained way too deep inside of me but I won't let them rule me anymore. I won't let him rule me, my life, or my future any longer.

I will own it, make it mine, and use it to make sure he pays.

Now I need to show these two that I'm not the little girl, the broken and weak one, that I was just seconds ago. I need them to see that I will not be treated with kid gloves and I don't need soft words.

I'm no longer Mary Katherine Prior, the little girl from Abnegation who had to take what was dished out to her then turn the other cheek for more.

I force the physical pain in my body to the side as I make to stand and take the few steps until I'm in front of Eric. I adjust my stance and hold myself in the position that I had only seen Dauntless do when they would have a change over in guards at the old stations in my sector.

This morning was scheduled to be training for a single purpose and I intend to see that carried out.

"Initiate Prior reporting as ordered, sir."

I'm fucking miserable.

Everything hurts on me. My head feels like the Pit in the middle of a raging party. Every once in awhile it feels like the lights in the training room become explosive fireworks dancing in front of my eyes. My stomach isn't as bad off as it was when I first woke up but it isn't feeling all that great either. It feels like I've been hit by a train while being stretched out on a torture device at the same time.

I also have the disturbing realization that instead of hating Eric or holding against him the current torture session of running he's subjecting me to, it actually makes me feel...things...that no sane or rational person should be feeling at the moment.

It's not that I love any of the physical sufferings I'm currently experiencing at the moment. It's just that the fact that he is here with me now and willing to help me. That while he might not see me as particularly strong he also sees that I want to get that way, and is pushing me to that end.

It makes me smile through the panting as I try to breathe while running.

I see Eric turn his head a little to look at me then scowls at my smile.

"Sprint," He barks out and sets his own pace to match that. His legs make him leap ahead of me and for a second my smile gets just a bit wider before I begin to attempt to catch up to him.

Yeah, you're one sick girl Kat Prior.

The sprint lasts long enough for me to feel like my lungs are about to explode in my chest but I refused to protest even if I can't stop all the physical signs of how it's affecting me. But I don't complain either when he calls out for us to ease up and gladly follow his example as we slowly go through the stages of getting to a cool-down walking lap.

I watch him as he walks over to his bag and pulls out two bottles of water, then I almost whimper in relief when he tosses one to me. I feel his eyes on me, watching me closely as I gulp it down.

I know he's looking for any signs that I won't be able to continue, that I need a break or to stop for the day, but I refuse to ask for an ounce of slack.

I want this. I need this. I need to know I'm stronger than the girl I left behind.

So I raise my chin, straighten my posture as much as possible, and look him in the eye.

A wicked grin crosses his face at my challenge. I shiver and can't even stop it from showing which makes that grin amp up even more.

"Let's get started, kitten. Shoes off and in the ring." He orders in a raspy purr and passes me without even waiting to see if I'm going to comply.

Which is a good thing because my knees are extremely weak and wobbly and it takes me a second to even be able to put one foot in front of the other. This only reinforces my belief that I'm not completely right in the head when it comes to one Eric Coulter.

Oh, I feel a good amount of reasonable fear at the smile, especially at what I think is ahead of me once I get in the ring with him. I just also have a really confusing and completely inappropriate amount of desire coursing through my body that I hope he misinterprets as me dreading or being afraid of what's next because that would be a lot less humiliating.

So, I silently order my body to calm it's crazy-ass down and follow him to my certain doom, my head down so I can watch my steps and take my shoes off. I take a deep breath, lift my head and nearly fall on my ass in shock. My eyes widen and I don't have a chance in hell of stopping the gasp that leaves my mouth or my traitor feet from going out from under me.

Standing in the center of the ring is a very shirtless Eric with his arms crossed over his chest and smirking at me.

I catch myself from falling completely on my ass and immediately look down at my feet for a bit longer than necessary as I try to control my reaction to him taking his shirt off. I know this exactly what he was wanting and waiting for.

Trying to shock me and it certainly worked.

The bastard.

I'm going to have to force myself to look at him again but I could barely handle what I've seen already. All rippling muscles and bare skin.

"What's the matter, Kat? Your actions from last night finally catching up to you?" I grumble curse words under my breath at his taunting and wince a little when I see him taking a step forward but I still can't bring myself to look above his knee line. "Or..." He starts up again but the hard edge in his tone when he mentioned last night softens into something totally different. "Maybe you really do have too much Abnegation in you?"

My eyes snap up so I can glare at Eric, only to find he's not there. He's moving, circling me with a taunting smirk on his face.

For a second I have a flashback to a science class in school where they showed a video of sharks and how they hunt, circling their prey before they strike. That image perfectly describes the smile and the way he is stalking me right now.

This is enough to knock the silly feelings of desire right out of me so that I'm left with just fear. I don't trust myself to speak. I might betray how I'm feeling despite my determination to not let him get to me. Instead, I take on my ready stance and hope my answering smirk isn't as weak as it feels.

This is enough for Eric to take that as my answer and before I can blink, he launched his attack. If I hadn't already known that Eric was taking this, and me seriously, I know the instant his hit drives the air from my lungs.

It's a different Eric crouching in front of me as I sit on the same weight bench I sat on just a few hours earlier. I can't even accurately describe the Eric in front of me right now.

Our session ended, maybe ten minutes ago, and it was everything I thought it might be. He went at me hard, sometimes even viciously but I met him with just as much of the same intensity. He got the better of me mentally and emotionally a few times, trying to throw me off purposely but I slowly started to be able to work past that and focus better.

This came at the expense of blows that I didn't dodge or block in time. I think that's what has Eric crouched in front of me scowling as he gently tries to clean and tend to my newest injuries.

Eric pulls the cloth away from my face and grabs the bottle of water to pour a bit more over it. The scowl deepens on his face when he wrings it out and the water is tinged with red. His expression is making me angry at him, and I don't know if I'm about to make a mistake, but I can't let this continue. He looks up and raises his hand to start cleaning again but I batted it away with a scowl.

"Stop, Eric." I snap at him, causing him to blink in shock and look at me, taking in my expression. "You're acting like I didn't deserve every new bruise or bump I got, but I did."

That might not have been the best way to start out in trying to express myself because his expression goes from shock to darkly furious in one second flat.

"They happened because I wasn't protecting myself properly. Because I lost my focus and let them in when I could have prevented them from happening by just keeping it together. That was the whole point of this wasn't it, Eric? For me to learn and get stronger? Right?"

We both know that's what this morning was about but something happened that he's upset about and that I can't figure out what happened.

I watch as his expression softens slightly, the furious scowl turns into just a normal one and the dark blue pools of blazing anger his eyes were just seconds ago shine with only flecks of it. I reach out a hand and gently use my fingers to touch over the places I managed to land a few blows on his jaw but that ends up in my cupping the side of his face entirely.

"It was," He finally breathes out an agreement but I can still tell it's an angry one even if he does lean his face into my touch.

I huff in frustration. "Then why are you…"

"Because I went too fucking far, Kat!" His words from him as he jerks his head from my hand and looks away from me.

Now I'm the one blinking in shock as I watch his chest quickly rising and falling as he breathes hard in anger.

I think back to our session, going over everything, and I still don't see where this anger at himself could be coming from. In my eyes, everything we did would be on par with what I would expect anyone being trained here in Dauntless would see as normal and routine. It wasn't quite sparring but not a full-on fight either. I could tell he wasn't hitting me as hard as he could and he certainly wasn't using all of the skills I know he's capable of.

The only reason that comes to mind, and the one that I'm afraid this is coming from, is that he really does see me as a weak girl from Abnegation and not capable of the hard training sessions it would take to become Dauntless.

"How did you go too far, Eric? Isn't what did what you would do with any normal initiate?"

I don't know if he notices the off-tone I get the question out in when I am finally able to voice it. He seems too caught up in his anger.

"What? No, and that's the point. You aren't a just some initiate, Kat."

Disappointment floods me and I make expression go blank as I nod slowly. "Right. Well, I'm sorry to have wasted your time."

"What?"

I start to get up but he pulls me back down with a hand on my shoulder and turns my face to look at him when I won't.

"You didn't waste my time, Kat." He says firmly and with a slight tinge of anger still in his tone as he finally gets my face turned so I'm looking at him. When he sees he has my attention he continues on, still not letting go but instead of the firm grip on my chin, he moves so that he's the one cupping the side of my face now.

"You were right that the purpose was to help you but I was supposed to be the one that kept calm during it. Not the angry asshole that was in that ring with you." His words are a strained whisper and I hear the pain and disgust at himself lacing them. "I was so angry at you about last night and what could have happened, how much fucking danger you were in and you weren't in any condition to handle. All I could think about is what could have happened to you and I lost it when I shouldn't have let that affect how I handled myself with you today."

I can understand his anger at himself because I felt something so similar after I lost it during Tris' fight and then when it took me so long to get it back together during my own. I might not feel like he lost it as much as he really thinks he did or even in the same way as I did. But I can understand what's important here is that he believes he did.

What I don't understand about his explanation is what he meant when he said what could have happened.

"I didn't know that it wasn't safe to drink with a head injury. So I can understand being angry that I could have made it worse."

"No, that's not…" He shakes his head looks down for a second while sighing. "I mean, yeah, that was not the best decision you could've made either but that's not what I mean when I said something could have happened. Zach said that I should just tell you so you'll know and then would be more careful next time but dammit Kat, I can't handle the fucking thought of there even being a next time."

I can see he's getting worked up again as he angrily shoves a hand through his hair so I reach out and put a hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down and look back at me.

"So explain it to me, Eric."

He drops his hand from his hair to my hip and grips it tightly while looking at me with intensity.

"Dauntless can be a very dangerous place, Kat. You might think I'm just talking about the compound itself with places like the Chasm, all the paths that have no railing and the steep stairs, and you would only be partly right. That is all a very valid concern and hazardous for even the ablest of Dauntless. But get someone that has a disability or impairment, like being fucking drunk," He hisses a little and pauses before going on. "And that just makes it that much more of a danger to even move through the compound. But all of that isn't even the real danger I'm talking about, because bad shit happens here in this faction. Incidents where girls, women, find themselves in vulnerable positions for whatever reason and then stuff happens to them. Crap that I can't even handle the thought of happening to you. So, seeing you in that state and knowing you were at risk…and you're so at fucking risk, Kat. It's just going to get worse as training goes on. Tell me that you understand that." He finishes on a demand with his fingers digging into my hip.

I do understand, despite coming from Abnegation I know exactly the dangers he's referring to and I had developed a sense in regards to those, an awareness and even a wariness. Since coming here I've let that, and my guard down, thinking that since I escaped I would be safe from constant threats.

To find out that it's still something I'm going to face and have to be on the lookout for doesn't come as much of a shock to me as it is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth and renewed determination.

I slowly nod and let out a shaky breath before answering Eric. "I understand, Eric. I'm sorry. It was stupid and I won't let it happen again."

I can see relief flash through his eyes just before he gently pulls my head forward and presses his forehead against mine while taking in a breath and letting it out slowly.

"I won't stop you from hanging out with your friends or even drinking after initiation," He pulls back and places emphasis on that last part before continuing on. "But I need you to promise me that you'll at least try to be more aware and at have one of you staying fucking sober to make sure you're okay."

"Okay, I promise," It's an easy promise to make and one I intend to keep.

With how miserable I'm feeling, and this new information, I have no intentions to drink or get that drunk again on the chance I do.

He continues to hold my eyes for a few more seconds, I guess trying to determine if I'm just telling him what he wants to hear or if I'm being truthful. Finally, he nods a little before sighing and leaning forward again. Only this time he doesn't press his forehead to mine, it's his lips.

He pulls back before I can do more than blush and goes back to cleaning gently wiping my face.

It's during this I think back on our conversation and I start asking him a few questions. Mainly about the drinking policy in general for initiates. Which he grumbles out that while it's not in the rules initiates can't drink, he and a few others have their own policies and tend to enforce them harshly.

Considering the information he then gives me about how many incidents involve transfers who've been drinking, I completely understand and agree. My mind goes to all the girls in my class, not just my sister, and the thought of any of them being hurt like that sends fear and anger through me.

I think about Christina who's mentioned a few times about being invited to a party with one member or another, or Sally who is so eager to fit in, she's likely to go along with anything.

"Stop," I tell Eric firmly as he grabs the ointment and starts to undo the cap.

"I thought we went over this refusing meds shit yesterday, Kat." He growls, shaking his head.

"We did. That's not why I want you to stop." I frown and take a breath trying to give him something that will make him more open to what I have to say. "I will even take any of those same medications or anything else you want to give me as long as you wait until after class training today. Or at the very least lunchtime."

He narrowed his eyes at me as he lowers his arms to his knees in his crouched position before letting out a slow breath after hearing I'm not refusing medications. "Explain. You're offering that but I can tell you want something in return. What is it?"

"I do. I'm aware that I probably made a scene in the Pit last night and most, if not all of the others saw me too. They know I was drunk and they need to know that I was punished for that. Let them see me this morning and make it known that this was a result of my punishment. Let it be an example to the rest of them, especially the girls."

I finish, almost quietly, and unsure how he's going to take this. I can already see his forehead scrunched up and the distaste in the way his mouth twists. And I know I'm asking him to take on the bad guy role in this scheme and while I don't like that much either, I know it would help.

He raises a hand to the bridge of his nose and rubs it while signing out a muttered. "And maybe they'll stay the fuck away from drinking, at least for the duration of training."

I slowly nod even though he can't see it with his eyes closed and running a hand over them tiredly. "Eric, I know how this will make you look…."

He drops his hand, looking at me and barks out a mirthless laugh. "You really think this would even rate on the 'evil bastard' scale compared to everything else I've either been accused of doing or what I've actually done? Someone will always find something to use against me, kitten. This wouldn't be anything new."

"Then why don't you want to do it?" I ask, frowning and not able to decide if I'm feeling upset because he honestly believes that about himself or because I know there is truth in what he said.

"You're friends and family means a lot to you. Initiation won't last forever and when it comes out about us...they're going to remember shit like this, Kat." He mutters darkly.

Realizing why he's hesitating, hearing him mentioning...us...in a significant way has my body flushing as warmth fills me. A flush that probably covers my whole body and giving me color for the first time since I woke up this morning. But I can tell this is one of those times I'm in danger of reading too much into things. So, I take a beat and a breath before answering.

"My friends and family do mean a lot to me but I count you among them. I've recently learned, mainly because of my sister's friendships that I don't understand or care for, that I don't have to like the people she counts as her friends as long as I respect that it's her decision, not mine."

It takes a second for him to respond but I saw brief flashes of emotion in his eyes, ranging from frustration to relief to happiness. But now he's looking at me with them guarded again.

"I don't want you to hold any illusions about me. I can't be anyone other than who I am, Kat."

I nod with a shrug and smile. "I wouldn't expect anything else. I know we barely know each other and that it has only been a few weeks...but I like who you are, Eric. Who I'm coming to know."

He looks down at the ointment still in one hand but I catch the twist of his lips into a smirk. He turns the tube this way and that, debating before he tosses it back into the bag and looks at me.

"At breakfast, you take whatever pills we give you, no questions or complaints. For lunch, we go to my apartment, get all this applied and eat there. Those are my conditions."

For a split second my hackles raise, almost on instinct, to protest his demands. It only lasts for a second when I realize the trade-off is so much more important than my pride and need for control.

I give a simple single nod in reply that has him giving me a smug grin in return and chuckles a little. "Then let's get to breakfast before Chase and Zach come looking for us. I'm sure they're anxious to make sure I didn't go too far."

He packs up the bag and raises from his crouched position to standing with way more ease and grace than I can manage at the moment.

I thought I hurt this morning when I woke up, and again before we started our sparring session after the run I thought had hit the limit of how much I could hurt. I'm internally laughing at that now with how bad I hurt.

Suddenly those meds he mentioned sound very welcome.