Chapter 28 - I Don't Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation
Eric
Chase meets up with us as we head out of the training room and tells me that he just submitted his pairings for his fights and reminding me that I wanted to get mine submitted before Four can get his in.
It slipped my mind that I would need to get that done before the training day started so I left Chase to get Kat up to the apartment and went to my office to grab what I already put together and take it to Max's office.
Four is already there and presented his for the day but I went ahead and presented mine, not even attempting to hide my smile when Four looked all sour and pouting after Max gave a grunt of approval.
Of course, that sour look on his face was probably also because I couldn't help mentioning how despite his severe error in judgment in matching Tris against someone so clearly out of her level for a first fight, something even I wouldn't have done on the first go, that she managed to prove herself capable. I used the off-handed compliment to her to also justify the matches while pointing out number boy's failure.
I leave the office as quickly as I can, mentioning I need to get back to overseeing a morning punishment. By the time I get to the apartment, breakfast is almost done and I walk into laughter. I can't help the slight smile that crosses my face at coming home to the unexpected sounds despite the less than desirable subject matter. I quickly pass through the living area to my bedroom so I can get ready for the day and grab the meds I want Kat to take.
Apparently, Chase and Zach have decided that last night's events make a funny story now that the seriousness of the situation has passed. I'm glad I'm missing out on that as they continue to tell her a play by play of things. The last thing I hear before I step into the shower is Chase recounting her conversation with Peter.
I start the process of armoring myself for the day ahead of me. It's been a ritual of mine even before transferring but it became even more important when I got here. After gaining a certain reputation I just decided to embrace it and tailored my look to reinforce that reputation.
But today, I feel that I'm going to need every bit of my armor.
So, I take my time to make sure the sides of my hair are exactly the length I prefer them to shaved to then use a bit of extra gel to hold the top portion in place and smooth out my natural curls. After that I do an extra close shave, removing any trace of stubble that might have appeared since my last shave yesterday morning.
Looking at my reflection I notice a few of the places Kat got me have started to form bruises.
I debated leaving them all. In the end, I decided that it will be better if she's the only one marked up if we're going to make this plan work. However, I can't bring myself to use the healing serum anywhere but the ones on my face. The others won't be visible when I get dressed as they're mainly on my upper torso.
I decide to leave them.
They're her marks and with where they're located, they produce little pains and twinges that I feel every time I move a certain way or certain muscles. Which I find myself doing a lot as I get dressed. Almost like I'm reassuring myself they are there.
Maybe I'm more fucked in the head that even I ever knew with how much I like those damn bruises on my skin. But it makes me feel like she's claimed me, just like, in my mind at least, I've claimed her.
By the time completely dressed for the day they are thankfully past storytime and it's time to eat.
I take my place beside Kat and push the pills her way after dumping them on a napkin. As promised, and agreed, she doesn't question or complain, although she does make a face while taking them.
Once I'm seated I can feel a bit of tension from my brothers and I know that they probably weren't happy about how Kat looked when she showed up. They just aren't going to lay into me about it with her here.
There is something Zach can't help but demand.
"Now that you're here can you explain why Kat is refusing to take care of all that?" He demands and motions to the other side of her face.
I wince when I look over and see that the new ones she got from me look way worse than the ones she already had. They are extremely dark blue and purple in color, almost black in some places. Her lip is swollen and has a very angry red mark from where the cut to it was reopened. While her eye isn't swollen to the point of almost being closed like the other side of her face had been, she has a very definite black eye from a blow that clipped her just on the side before she knocked it aside.
Seeing all of that is just a reminder of how much I lost it this morning. Something I'm just as angry at myself for as my brothers are.
"You might not believe me, but it actually looks worse than it is." Kat's words are soft but she's looking between Chase and Zach in a way that almost makes me think she's daring them to say differently. They don't but I can see them both glance at me knowingly, telling me they know that she is worse off than they are happy with.
"Eric told me about the unspoken policy against drinking for initiates and that anyone caught is reprimanded or punished. He also told me about one of the most important reasons initiates, specifically girls, shouldn't be drinking around here. I know that drinking hurt was irresponsible and I've already promised I won't do it again, but what about the others? Especially girls like Christina and Sally, they are more likely to ignore any kind of warning they get but seeing an example of what will happen to them if they're caught...that's harder to ignore. So, I've come up with a plan that will hopefully discourage them at least for the rest of initiation. I don't know if it will work but I have to at least try. I know it all looks worse than it really is but that will help in convincing them that I got all this during a punishment for getting drunk last night."
My brothers are stunned enough that they don't respond right away. I can guess what they are thinking, it's probably not far off from what I felt when she came up with the idea in the training room.
I felt a burning and fierce pride in her that I couldn't begin to explain. That she understood my position in everything and even agreed was unexpected but what really took me by surprise was how she instantly went to using events to her advantage, in a way that I could see myself doing. But where my reasoning and use of advantages come from a hardened and oftentimes cruel place, her's is from a place of pure protectiveness and generosity.
If I took any of the other initiates and put them in her place they would never have thought of anyone besides themselves for even a second. They wouldn't volunteer to use themselves to protect people they don't know or give a shit about.
But I know that this was an opportunity I couldn't ignore or easily refuse to go along with even if I hesitated and argued with myself over it. My biggest hesitations came from not wanting her to think I could ever use her in any way and how I know this is going to make me look to the people she's closest to. I knew the advantages outweigh my personal feelings on the matter and I couldn't put myself ahead of my responsibility.
Once their shock wears off I can see the other emotions playing out in my brothers' eyes. As they give their own approval, vocally to Kat, we exchange silent messages in that way we have.
Zach is trying not to smirk at knowing he was right that being honest and telling her the reasons it upset us all so much would have a greater effect than silent anger.
Chase is mixed. He doesn't like the idea of using her in any way either but agrees that it needs to be done. Not only will this hit home with the transfers but word will spread to the Dauntless-born and head off any issues he might have with them. Especially since Lauren is known to actually encourage and even party with the people she's supposed to be training.
The tension from the others fades as we eat and talk and I allow myself to relax slightly. I don't want to think about what I'm going to be facing once we leave this apartment but I know it's something I'll have to face sooner than I like.
By the time we make it to the training room, well before I know anyone else is going to be there, I'm scowling hard.
When we were about to head out, Kat came out of the bathroom and made the declaration that we shouldn't take the paths I usually do when trying to avoid having too many people see us together. Instead, she wants us to take the one that will go right through the Pit and other heavily populated areas.
I agreed, however reluctantly it might have been.
I have to admit based on the reactions we got as we made our way through the Pit, it certainly made the impression we were going for.
Now she stands beside and slightly behind me in that perfect way she has of mixing a proud and strong posture with that of someone who's been taken to task. But this time I know that the additions of the slight hunching of her shoulders and flashes of pain that crossed her face aren't all an act.
She's actually hurting.
And that's the majority of the reason for my current scowl. It's not hard for me to dredge up the anger I'm supposed to have but none of it is about the events of last night anymore. Instead, it's all anger at myself and this morning, for losing it as I did with Kat in the ring and not all in a physical way. It's all the shit I said trying to provoke her, to make her lose it.
At some point, I started saying things not just to make her lose it but just to lash out and hurt her. To try and make her feel even a little of what I felt when I thought of everything that could have happened to her. I don't even remember everything I specifically said to her, I just know that I was completely living up to my reputation.
Her reactions to this morning have me feeling conflicted between something I can't really define and anger.
She stood in that ring with me, seeing me at my absolute worst, and didn't back down when I was going at her. She even gave me as good as she got. We both lost it at times but got better before the end. Like we were getting something out of our system. In the end, we went down on the mat in a panting, sweaty mess after she got a few damn good hits on me. They were hard enough that they literally knocked some fucking sense back into me.
After that, all I wanted to do was take care of her. To clean her up and wipe away any trace of the damage I had done to her. Hoping that if I damaged us in any way I could wipe that away just as easily.
She'll never know how much it's tearing me up inside to leave her like that.
The first of the initiates start to trickle in only to stop short at the sight of me waiting, dead center of the room. Not many of them are noticing Kat, as they're all more concerned about me and what has me so pissed off.
They don't really notice her until Tris does.
"Kat!" She softly gasped her sisters' name as she takes in Kat's appearance.
The biggest reaction is from Four as he follows up the last straggler.
"What the…" He starts to growl out his eyes wide and looking at Kat, seeing her face that's now a mess on both sides, until I shift and smirk, gaining his attention. His lips are thin in his anger and if looks could kill, I'd probably be dead. Four's sent me some hateful looks before in our years here but this is the first time that I think he would actually kill me if he had a chance.
All this does is just add to the effect we were hoping for.
Showtime then.
"Thanks for joining us," I start out in my normal cold drawl. "I'm sure all of you are aware of a certain initiate having made a complete ass of herself in the Pit last night."
I cast a pointed glare over my shoulder at Kat standing behind me. One she returns with a slight lift of her chin, showing just a little defiance while at the same time she allows a real wince and flash of pain to come through.
"What you might not have known is that drinking is prohibited during initiation and the consequences of such an action if you are caught…" I pause and turn my head to fully look back at Kat then turn to smirk at the rest of the group "...are severe."
I caught Kat's small flinch when I looked back at her. I saw how her eyes moved over each of the girls, especially her sister, as I spoke of consequences. The flinch wasn't from physical pain but her remembering why she's doing this.
"We put these rules in place for a reason. Your fellow initiate got off easily and way too damn lucky if you ask me."
From somewhere in the group I think I hear a muttered, didn't ask you, but I can't find the source as I rake my eyes over them with a piercing glare.
Four steps up and clears his throat, causing me to turn that glare and knowing that he's about to try and stop what I'm doing here.
"Every year, more times than we would care for it to happen or that we can prevent, there are severe injuries and even deaths. The cause? Some initiate that's never drank before or even ones that have, end up taking on more than they can handle. It doesn't matter that you think you can handle it or you think one drink won't matter and that we'll never find out. We will."
He finishes up his little speech and looks back at me, but as he does his eyes land on Kat and I can see the anger still there mixed in with disgust as his eyes shift to me. Even with that, he gives me a small reluctant nod, as if to say that we are in agreement about this at least.
Fuck me sideways. He's actually agreeing with me on something?
I succeed in shoving aside my disbelief and surprise at this turn of events and get back to matters at hand.
"Not to mention that it is a really fucking stupid choice to drink, especially to the point of being completely drunk, the night before you have type of training. Physical training and your fights require you to be at your best and peak conditions." I sneer as I look over everyone, letting my eyes linger on a few of them longer than others. "Well, at least as much as you sorry bunch can be in peak physical condition."
I smirk at the bristling and glares I see around the room, then continue.
"If you do anything, more specifically outside of training, that takes you out of that condition and you might as well be taking yourself out of training. I think I've already shown what giving up, and that is what we would consider this to be, will get you. Your fellow initiate found out first hand where breaking the rules gets you and she will continue to be taught this lesson every day until her training ends." I glance back at Kat, smirk still in place. "Isn't that right, initiate?"
She hadn't been looking at me until I addressed her but when I do her eyes snap to mine and she holds them for just a moment with that stubborn tilt to her chin, before she lowers both her eyes and chin just a tiny amount. Enough to show respect but not submission.
"Sir, yes, Sir," Her tone hints at nothing but answering my question, though to me it sounds as if she's working to keep anything else from her voice.
I look back over the group and my face goes devoid of everything but while I let my voice drop into its deadly softness. "Is that understood initiates?"
It takes a moment as the group shifts uncomfortably, some of the girls looking at Kat and wincing at what they see but in the end, they all give the affirmative with a combination of mutters and grumbles using the same answer Kat just gave seconds ago.
I decide to let that pathetic attempt go and give a grunt of dismissal as I look over at Four, letting him know he can start the day. Which he does immediately barking out for everyone to gather around.
I turn away from the group so that my back is to them and so that I can watch as she passes. I want this last small moment with her, and my expression softens a little as she takes steps towards me. I know she can't return the expression but I need something. So I decide to step slightly in her way, making her brush up against me in a way that makes it seem like I was just being a dick to her. Her shoulder bumps against my arm and I see her lips twitch a little as she looks up at me knowingly.
"Careful there, initiate," I say in that low tone that she knows is just for her.
She steps past me and turned her head to look over her shoulder at me with her lips tilting in a slight smile. "Sorry, Sir. I'll try to remember to be more careful in the future."
The way she says the word Sir and the look in her eyes as she says it is definitely different than earlier, and I know that this time it's intentional. It might not have been the first time she said it in this manner but like my tone and my nickname for her, this is just for me.
I don't respond but smirk a little as I watch her joining the others.
Four's giving a rundown of the day will consist of and it's probably going to be a boring one. For what has to be the first time in all my years here in Dauntless, I'm actually glad of that. Because it means that, at least for these next few hours, I don't need to worry about Kat and what kind of shit she could get up to.
Shaking my head I join the group as they all head out to the roof to begin working with the newest firearms they're set to learn.