Chapter 33 - Fire In My Bones

Kat

I'm not so lost in my fantasies about Eric that I believe our closeness to be anything than friendship. Maybe it is a little deeper than a normal friendship but that might be because of how few relationships either of us have had or allowed ourselves to have, as the case may be. Whatever the reason Eric and I are the way we are with each other, I've been grateful for it. No matter how uncomfortable or confusing it can be at times to be so damn close to him knowing it won't ever be more, I still wouldn't give it up.

Now, I don't have a choice in the matter.

He won't touch me again and I know it even if he refused to say it. Not if he knows that it can cause me pain. When I first realized this all I could feel was so damn hurt and lost. But as the minutes and distance stretch between us while we walk to the training room a new emotion rises to the surface.

Fury.

I am furious about the attack and what could have happened had I not stopped it and I even more furious that because of it this rift between me and Eric has been created. Unlike the red haze type of anger that makes any rational thought impossible, this fury has me thinking clearly and determination is being added to it to find whoever did this and see to it that they pay.

When the guys were talking to me about the attack I already had my mind going over who could have done this and I've only come up with one answer.

The factionless.

Granted they might not have been the actual attackers but I know that there are those among the factionless that have ways to get information about things that are going on within the city.

By the time we enter the training room I have a plan and I know that the first step in that plan will be to corner Four and arrange for me to finally serve that punishment with him that I'm fairly certain Eric has been behind not happening.

Training today consists of knife practice which makes it a fairly easy day considering how most days of training are filled. Even with this being the first time my training class has worked with knives it would probably be a relaxed day, if not for two things.

The first is that it's very clear Eric is in a mood so foul that the intensity of it takes even Four by surprise. Then there is the fact that I am not much better than him and I'm not even bothering to try and hide it which is worrying everyone around me. It's bad enough that Christina remarks on it and not even in her passive aggressive or the catty manner she has any time we have to interact with each other.

Tris spends the time when she's not working with the knives sending me worried looks while Eric gets sent glares. Which he definitely notices and gladly returns to her. Which is probably not helping her assumption that my mood is because of him having done something to cause it. I'm so wrapped up in what's going on with me that I don't even bother to try and correct her. Dealing with the aftermath of the attack is causing misery on too many fronts right now. My body doesn't want to easily do what I'm demanding of it and because of that I'm struggling during my throws.

Knife throwing is mostly mental but it does require precise physical control and stamina, flexibility and a certain amount of strength. All things that my body is not quite up to handling at the moment.

I'm determined that my performance won't be affected so it takes double the effort than normal. By the time I've gone through the first set of knives my skin is pale and slicked with a cold sweat that has broken out all over.

I have to take a small rest and a few moments to stop the shaking in my arms and fingers. I notice pinpricks of pain that are running through my hand, especially in my fingers. It's as if my hand fell asleep and it's waking up. Not at all a pleasant experience. My jaw is clenched hard as I try to batten down outwardly showing the pain I'm feeling.

"That's enough, initiate." Eric's voice, cold and hard, comes from behind me. "Go help Allison and Sally on their stances."

I turn to face him while tightly clutching the knives in my hand, just as angry as he sounds. For a second when our eyes meet I see a bit of what he's really feeling behind all that anger. I see pain and I also saw a flash of something that might be longing...for me? Before my heart can finish it's little flip at that it's gone so is some of the anger in his eyes.

"Sir," I reply and nod.

His lips twitch a little when address him the way I do. A tone I only use for him and only when we're alone. He nods back at me before turning abruptly and stalking off, yelling at the others around him along the way. His anger doesn't get any less as the day goes on and while everyone gets a taste of it, he seems to aim the worst of it on Al. When my sister felt the need to step in and protect him, she became the target of it just as much as her bumbling friend.

While I was helping Sally, Allison and even Christina with their stances and follow through when throwing their knives, Tris had been trying to work with Al. She alternated between giving him encouraging words to actually trying to help him make the adjustments needed to land any of his knives but it just wasn't working. In fact, he seemed to become more flustered and do even worse. Especially when Eric picked up on his continuous failures and started riding him hard. Even ordering Tris to step away and let him do it on his own.

I could feel that it was reaching a boiling point between the two when all Al was doing was whining and Eric's tone had gone from barking to soft and flat. I've noticed that is when Eric is his most dangerous and the others around me noticed it too, everyone except Al that is.

Al had thrown the last of his knives and it completely failed. It didn't even make it to the target but fell to the ground before it got halfway there. He'd completely given up by then and was set on waiting for everyone to be done instead of going to collect his knives and try again. Something that didn't sit well with Eric at all.

What happened next left me torn.

On one hand, I agree with Eric that his attempts were pathetic and it was clear he was giving up. So when he ordered Al to go collect his knives and try again he was trying to be fair in giving him another chance.

Where the former Candor went wrong, was by balking at having to collect his knives while people were still throwing beside him. I would have agreed if it hadn't been Edward and Tris who happened to be to each of his sides. They were both dead accurate and I think Al knew this but was hoping Eric wouldn't have noticed it. His refusal to follow the order and then trying to take the cowards way out was what caused Eric to snap. He ordered Al to stand in front of the target while Four threw the knives and if he couldn't handle it then he would be out.

Tris couldn't sit by and watch this happen and I understand what made her go to Al's defense. This resulted in her taking Al's place.

Which is where I became torn, not liking my sister being put into that position but understanding where she was coming from just as much as I knew where Eric was.

She flat out told Eric he was being a bully flaunting his power. Which in her eyes was the cowardly thing to do. I knew that wasn't the reason behind his move with Al, just like I knew his having Christina hang over the chasm wasn't because he got off on it like she insisted afterwards.

Was he being an absolute dick to Al?

Yes. He absolutely is being a dick to him and almost everyone else today.

Eric has been letting his anger at other events and my current condition get to him and I hated to know that I am the root of everyone's misery today.

Watching my sister stand in front of that target while Four threw knives at her made my fury from this morning elevate until I think I might explode from it. Not even the pride I feel at seeing her stand up to Eric (even for the sake of that sniveling coward) and face down Four as he launched knife after knife at her without even blinking can dampen this fury. Watching Eric goad Four into actually grazing my sister with his last throw is the final straw for me.

As soon as we are dismissed for lunch I bolt from the room as fast as my body will carry me. I don't bother telling anyone what I'm doing or where I'm going because if I'm forced to actually talk to someone I might unload on them whether they deserve it or not.

I don't even know where I'm going as I run. I'm just looking to get as far away from everyone as I can get so I don't do or say something that I'll regret later.

It turns out that getting myself lost in Dauntless is not as easy as I would have thought. I guess it doesn't help that I used up any really strength I had in getting away from the training room before anyone could stop or follow me. The place I end up sitting slumped against the wall turns out to actually be near the leaders offices but at least I picked a small nook that is relatively dark to curl up at so my hope is everyone coming or going from there will pass me by. To help this, I pull my knees up to my chest and bury my head in my arms, hoping if I give anyone that passes zero eye contact if they do happen to see me, they won't stop.

When I feel someone sliding down to join me on the floor I know that hope was a lost cause. With a sigh of irritation I looked up to see who has invaded my kingdom of woe and find someone that really shouldn't be approaching me in my current state.

"Just take it, please. I don't want to argue with you about this and you need it." Four sighs in irritation and shoves the bottle of water and wrapped sandwich into my hands.

I debate refusing, mainly because I'm that irritated and seeing his face isn't helping. Then I remember that I actually kind of need Four at the moment and it would be best not to rile him up when I'm about to demand a favor of him that will also cause him to have to break a few rules.

"Thanks," I mumble before cracking open the bottle of water and taking a sip.

That sip turns into me gulping it down before then tearing into the sandwich after I my stomach informs me I haven't had anything to eat or drink in at least two days, that I remember anyway.

Four lets me eat in peace though he watches me with an amused expression on his face. After I've demolished the food and am sipping on the water, he clears his throat and destroys the peace.

"What were you thinking the other night, Katie? For that matter, what have you been thinking from the moment you stepped foot into Dauntless? Do you not realize what bad fucking news he is? Haven't I said for years how dangerous he is and to stay out of his way?"

His words have me turning into a live version of the tea kettle my family used back in Abnegation and I feel like steam should be pouring from my ears as a hiss issues forth from my lips before I explode on him.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to punch your stupid face in everytime I've seen you lately? How is it that one person can have the ability to hit every single button that pisses me off like no one else can!"

"You aren't exactly a peach to deal with yourself but what have I done to make piss you off besides trying to protect you, Katie?" He scoffs at me, trying to keep his voice from raising but not succeeding very well.

"For starters, how about you using a name I've told you repeatedly not to call me but you can't seem to manage. Call me Kat or nothing." I spear him with a glare, refusing to back down on this.

His lips thin but he nods. "Fine...Kat."

I take a breath and start addressing the things he brought up. "Are you objecting that I did anything at all or who I did it for?"

"Both but one more than the other." He replies after taking a minute and a few deep breaths.

"And the thing you have the bigger issue with is that I put myself at risk for someone you believe I shouldn't have." I conclude with a sneer.

"It isn't like I'm alone in that belief if you haven't noticed, Kat."

"Oh, I've noticed all right and don't think that doesn't piss me off. It's funny how often you bitch and moan about all the things wrong in this faction and one of them happens to be the lack of willingness to do what I did, which is put aside my personal feelings and protect like a Dauntless is supposed to do in the first place. But here you are being just as much a part of the problem as everyone else when it comes down to it instead of trying to do something to fix things if you don't like them."

"Oh really? How am I supposed to change things when I…."

He trails off when he sees my knowing smirk and scowls heavily when I carry on for him.

"When you have no power or say in how things are run? You mean like you would if you were a leader right? Someone that could make a difference. Someone that should and would fight to make things right."

I'm acting like a brat right now and this exactly why I can't be allowed to be around people when I'm this wound up. Especially Tobias Eaton. From the beginning it's been like this between us. Both headstrong in our opinions and not afraid to let each other know exactly what we think. The rift between us only widened when he went to Dauntless but seemed so intent on not doing a single thing to help make it a better place. It was something we argued about every single time we saw each other until about two years ago those visits all but stopped.

Coincidentally, that's about the time when he and Tris began their secret relationship.

He jumps up from beside me and paces away running a hand through his hair before turning back towards me. "You're so fucking naive, Mary Katherine. You don't know the way things really work around here. You know nothing about the kind of corruption I would be fighting against and it wouldn't do a bit of good if I even tried."

I pop up on my feet and scowl at him.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I know nothing of corruption? Do you have selective memory? I know first hand what fighting against it will get me. I found out the hard way or have you completely forgotten that day?" I shake my head and turn away from him. "You have no right to claim I know nothing about how hard things can be when I fought for you against corruption right at our front door. I put myself on the line and tried to get you help. I thought he was going to kill you, Tobias. I know exactly what trying to help or change things can do…" I whip around and face him again and exhaled shakily. "I stood in front of all the elders… and my fucking father, Tobias. What did I get for my effort? Pain, the loss of a friend, and becoming a pariah in my own faction. Do you want to know what's messed up about that...even with you betraying me, I would still do it again...because not doing anything would make me just as bad as them. No matter that my father wouldn't look at me without his eyes being filled with disappointment for months afterwards...I still would have done it. Because you were my friend and I needed to protect you."

My voice is broken by the time I've let everything I've let go unsaid before now.

"I...I'm sorry, Kat. I know...but...I've been trying to make it right, I swear." His voice breaks and he goes to reach for me but I jerked away, shaking my head.

"It's not that simple anymore. So much time has passed and too much has happened since then, Tobias." I push aside the weary sadness I feel trying to engulf me, square my shoulders and lift my chin as I look him in the eyes. "But you can start by doing what you know needs to be done to find out what happened during capture and take me with you when you do."

I can tell he already knew before I asked it was coming and I think he might be about to refuse me, he stays quiet that long. "Fine. I'll arrange for you to serve that punishment you owe me after dinner tomorrow. I'll be informing Max so no one can interfere again."

His words and tone just confirm what I already knew, that Eric has been making sure I wouldn't spend any time with Four outside of training. I would be annoyed about that if I wasn't so pleased by Four agreeing to this so easily.

"Don't look so pleased with yourself, Kat. The only reason I'm not putting up more of a fight or just outright denying you is because I know she's been anxious to see you herself." He chided me with a hint of amusement tainting the annoyance in his tone.

"I really need to work on my poker face." I lament with a frown.

He looks at his watch with a small strained smile in place. "You have to go to the clinic. I was informed if I saw you to send you there to take whatever medications you need to get better."

"Oh shit," I curse as I remember my promise to Zach. I'm so anxious to get there and be able to, hopefully, apologize for not keeping my promise and worrying him that I don't notice Four trailing after me until I get to the clinic doors and see him going another direction.

"I'm sorry." I say for about the fourth time since I got to the clinic after I found both Shauna and Zach waiting for me.

This time it's to ease Shauna's irritation that I've just spent the last thirty minutes grilling her about every medication she wants to give me.

She waves off the apology with a strained smile as I get ready to leave. "At least we got you to agree with the most important ones."

All told I'm leaving with the order to take way more medications than I prefer but I was able to talk them out of any of the medications that I thought had too many bad side effects. Like drowsiness, or the one she said could possibly make me feel like it's hard to think, mind fog she called it. As it is the ones I do have to take have to be administered by the clinic or the leaders and instructors are authorized to hold the medication and give it out.

It was no surprise that Zach said he would be taking care of it or that he whispered to me that Eric and Chase were actually going to be the ones likely to be in charge of it and told me with a smirk on his lips that puppy dog eyes aren't going to work on them when it comes to this.

He walked me back to the training room and told me more about what's been going on while I was out of it. There is an investigation opened on the attack and he's one of the ones trying to get answers. He confirmed that there hadn't been any training for the last two days besides putting all the initiates to work cleaning the dorms, getting their gear in order and clothes washed.

He also goes back to a subject I tried to downplay earlier because I was still to raw to talk about what happened with me and Eric.

"You have to understand that as hard as it is on me and Chase to see you hurting it's even worse for Eric. We used to joke that he's our problem solver or fixer. But honestly that's what he is and when he can't fix something, especially if it's something or someone important to him, he doesn't know how to handle it. And it's not my place to tell you his story but seeing you hurt...when we almost thought…" Zach's voice breaks a little as we come to a stop just shy of the training room. "It brought all of that back for him."

I look away and nod. "I...I get that and...I am angry and hurt, but not it's not directed at him. This isn't his fault and I just hope he knows that."

"He will eventually, even if we have to knock some sense into him and we will figure out how to deal with the things going on with you too. I promise. Just...you have to promise me you won't give up on us and let us help you." Zach pleas with me before he lets me go into the training room, even pulling me into a gentle hug as he does.

I nod and tighten the hug a little before pulling back and smiling at him. "Okay. I promise…" There's a fire in my promise, both spoken and unspoken that goes to my very core. Bone deep.

I've already lost and sacrificed so much to things out of my control that I refuse to lose anymore. Not Eric.