Chapter 34 - Stubborn Thy Name Is

Kat

"Where were you at lunch?" Tris asks me worriedly as she pulls me to where she and the others are gathered by the arm she latched onto as soon as I was in the training room.

I try not to wince at the action so she won't be worried even more and because I can see Eric glaring at my sister hard right now, his body and jaw tensed like he is prepared to come after her if he sees the tiniest sign on pain from me. I look away from him and back to Tris with a shrug.

"So much has been happening, pretty much from the moment we got here. It just kind of got to be too much and I was feeling overwhelmed and angry. I just needed a moment to myself to calm down." I shrug again and then a grin starts to spread across my face at a memory. "You know how I am about that."

Tris mirrors my smile before she starts chuckling. "Oh lord," She gasps in laughter. "I still remember how shocked those Amity women were when we started wrestling with each other right there in the street. I'm sure they thought we were possessed or something."

I join in the laughter while the group starts to walk over to where the targets are located.

"Why were you two wrestling with each other?" Christina asks us. Well, she asks Tris more than me.

"We were walking home after school when we were younger. I think we weren't more than seven or eight at the time. Anyway, Kat was so angry about something that happened at school and she wouldn't tell me what it was. She kept telling me that she just wanted to be left alone but I couldn't let it go and kept nagging her, even when she was begging me to. Then she just...snapped...and we went to the ground in a tangle of limbs wrestling each other."

Will and Christina join our laughter after hearing the story and when I describe how we were pulled off each other, laughing by that time, which just confused and alarmed the Amity women. Al looked between the two of us with an expression of horror that I couldn't understand and honestly didn't care to try and question him on.

"I thought my sister and I were bad about fighting." Christina jokes with a smile that's slightly sad.

"Oh we hardly argued but when we did it usually ended up with us not talking to each other for days after. I did learn my lesson about trying to force Kat to talk when she doesn't want to. You know, I've always envied your ability to let things go so easily." Tris smiles at me when I roll my eyes.

"You act like you don't have the same temper and level stubbornness that I do. Besides, it's never been easy. But if I'm left alone I can reason out why I'm angry and figure out if I'm being emotional and stupid about something I shouldn't be. Or even if it's even worth being angry over."

This story led all of us to reminisce about our families we left behind with a sadness filling the air.

Christina talked about her younger sister and how they butt heads more often than not and didn't have a lot in common but would still stick up for each other no matter how mad they were at each other.

Will, who has become much more friendly and spends more time with my friends than he did at first, talked about his older sister. I've heard him talking about his sister before and how brilliant she is. He tells us a story about one of their many heated debates where she admonished him to question everything when he tried to insist that one specific theory was the only correct one because it came from a source he favored.

Al had no stories about siblings since he's an only child but he said a few words about his parents before wondering aloud if he would be seeing them come visiting day.

I lost my smile when the reminder of a day that I'm dreading came up. There's very little chance of either of my parents coming that day. I would like to say it can all be blamed on the tensions between Abnegation and Dauntless, but that would be a lie. With how he looked and reacted to our leaving, it's safe to say our father will likely not come and there's also the chance our mother won't because of how he feels.

As if sensing my thoughts, Tris squeezes the hand she reached out to hold as we exchange sad smiles.

Four calls up back to start our target practice again ending the small moment we shared with the others.

Shortly after returning from the clinic, I notice that the pain I was feeling has gradually been getting better. There are still flashes of it down my spine that are fairly intense but the constant feeling of being electrocuted has faded. This allowed me to resume training feeling much better than when I started the morning. But it seemed like both Four and Eric were determined for me to take it easy. They still had me helping out with stances and form in throwing.

During the time before dinner, I also noticed another change to my body and that was a different type of sensitivity that wasn't painful but slightly alarming and hard to handle. This morning, even the feel of clothes against my skin seemed to cause pain, I was that sensitive but now without the pain I realize just how far that sensitivity goes.

I'm able to pick up the slightest changes of textures with a simple touch. Changes in temperature, no matter how small, seem to be another thing my skin registers very easily. All of this is very overwhelming and by the time dinner rolls around I'm feeling exhausted and on sensory overload. Especially when Eric sits beside me. The table was crowded with all of the normal crowd in addition to a few more Dauntless members that decided they would eat there today. I could tell Eric was trying to keep his distance at first but whether that changed because he was being forced to, as the seats on both of our sides filled, or he wanted to move I don't know. All I know is that it caused havoc to my senses. The simple gesture of his leg pressing firmly against mine, or his arms brushing against mine as he moved to eat or grab something at the table had me careening through a vortex of indescribable feelings. Being touched by Eric was already a dizzying experience but with this new thing going on it's causing pure torture.

By the end of dinner as everyone is eating cake I've become a barely restrained quivering mess of whimpers and am about ready to throw in the towel on trying to act like everything is okay. Eric's elbow nudges me as I tiredly plunge my fork into my cake and realize I don't have the strength to lift it back out. I look over at him to see him watching me with a raised eyebrow, worry in his eyes but a blank expression otherwise.

I shrug in answer and look around the table at my friends to see only Lynn is really watching me right now. Uri is cracking jokes and making Mar laugh. Tris isn't even at the table so I don't need to worry about her. She decided to eat with Christina and Will at the other table as soon as she saw Eric at my usual spot, not being able to stomach breathing in the same air as the person torturing her sister. Not exactly her words but I got that general message from her disgusted looks she tossed at Eric.

I try not to slump when a wave of emotional exhaustion kicks in that just gets added to when I see furtive worried looks at me coming from all over the table.

"Alright, I think I'm done for the day. I'm going to go to bed early." I hear a few audible gasps from Dauntless members who probably think to go to bed before midnight is a crime of some sort here. "I know...cardinal fucking sin to go to bed before the sun sets." I snip out and then sigh loudly when I realize how catty I'm being and don't have the energy to fight against right now. "But since I don't actually get to see the sun, or hell even the sky anymore, I'm going to call this day good and take my sorry ass to bed then go comatose."

Uri very visibly and loudly sighs in relief and rubs a hand over his face. "Thank fuck, Kat. I was wondering when you were going to stop being such a stubborn ass and take a rest." He grumbled and pulled Mar to his side who sniffled a little, looking on the verge of tears for some reason.

Which doesn't at all make me feel better.

"Not a stubborn ass," I mutter and moodily stab the cake a few times just to prove to myself I'm not as weak as I feel right now.

"That's cake abuse. And you Kat, are the Queen of the Asses Stubborn." Lynn reaches out and snatches the cake from me while there are snickers around the table.

"Does that mean I get my own personal band of knights?" I snark back with a small smirk.

"Sure do. The Knights of Assland. Realm of the stubborn and hardheaded." Uri grins and snatches the plate of cake from Lynn as she just lifted a forkful to her mouth.

"Then that must make you the court jackass...I mean...jester, Uriah Pedrard." I shot back with false sweetness.

This time I can tell the laughter isn't as strained as it has been for most of the dinner. I even chuckle along with everyone as more jokes are made about Assland and who would hold what positions. Which started a bunch of raunchy innuendos that had me blushing and wanting to hide while Eric seemed to get even closer.

And that was my official limit.

"Yep, I'm done. This queen is going to retire to her boudoir now." I pronounce tiredly even as I'm standing up.

"I'll walk with 'ya since Uri stoke all the cake anyways." Lynn says and gets up with me while Uri just grins and Mar slaps the back of his head.

"I'll take of your trays." She says with a smile and tells me goodnight.

I nod in appreciation and give a small wave to everyone with a tired "Night guys," Which is returned by everyone except Eric. As soon as I stood up I saw his fists go to his legs where they clenched and when I start to walk away I see him purposely not looking at me as I leave. It doesn't make me feel any better that he seems to be suffering just as much from this barrier between us now.

Lynn and I walked in silence for a bit until we get out of the noisiest areas. Once we're clear I look over at her and see her brooding expression and sigh.

"Go ahead, Lynn."

She refuses to look at me and keeps walking forward with a stoic, determined expression on her face. "Even before you came along I was always something of the third wheel with Uri and Mar. They weren't even dating back then but there was always something there that made me feel like that. I hoped that when you were added it would stop feeling that way and it did, but you also became my best friend in a way that not even Mar ever was."

I smile at her when she stops talking and walking all at the same time and turns to face me but she holds out a hand to stop me and frowns deeply. "I am proud of how you handled yourself and your actions, Kat. But I swear to everything holy if you ever get yourself hurt like that again, or worse killed, I will bring or ass back so I kill you myself."

I start to chuckle but she lunges forward and pulls me into a bone-crushing hug that has me gasping for air. I let her have this moment for as long as I can, which isn't very long because pain is starting to build pretty quickly.

"Oh shit," I gasp again and pat Lynn's back. "I love you too but...could you please...maybe…"

She realizes what's going on with me and jerks back with a frown. "Should we go to the clinic?"

I shake my head vigorously. "No. I'm good. I just need to get some sleep and it will be better in the morning."

She stares me down for a few seconds before rolling her eyes and muttering. "Yes, My Queen." Then she turns and starts stalking her way to my dorm again with me hurrying to catch up with her. "So, have you finished that last book I gave you yet? At the rate that you usually blow through them, I would have expected you to have asked for another two by now."

She smirks at the blush on my face as I shake my head. "Umm...I haven't exactly had much time to read this last one, not even counting be unconscious for the last few days. I was thinking of reading some more of it after I get a shower."

After wincing at yet another reminder of my previous condition she nods thoughtfully but whatever she's thinking she waits until we're in the privacy of the dorm to ask.

"So...what's going on with you two? I mean...no one else suspects but I was pretty sure Eric was with you. He's barely been seen since the attack and even when he was...he didn't look good at all, Kat."

I sigh wearily and momentarily contemplate just skipping the shower and crawling into bed. "Yeah, I was with him but I really was out of it until this morning. I don't know...when he was asking me about that night in his office...for a minute I thought something might have changed. That maybe he might want...but now…"

I trail off and sink down onto my bed while she frowns. "But now what?"

"How much do you know about what's been going on with me? Was Shauna able to tell you anything?"

She nodded and tugged her bottom lip between her teeth for a second. "She wasn't supposed to but she knows how close we are so she was able to tell me that you were hit with something that was causing a lot of pain and that you had to stay put under. That was all she could risk telling me though."

"I understand. Basically...I was hit by something that attacks the nervous system and tries to weaken and destroy it. Apparently I got lucky that I wasn't hit with a full dose of it but it's bad enough that even now I'm still feeling the effects of it. I have flashes of pain in my back and worst of all is that fact that anytime anything comes in contact with my skin I have pain. I won't know for sure because it can take up to two weeks for it to be completely out of my system, but there is a chance that it's going to be permanent."

Lynn pales and covers her mouth with a shaking hand as she sinks to the bed right beside mine. "Oh my god, Kat. Does leadership know?" She hurriedly whispers and casts a glance around as if needing to make sure we're alone right now.

I don't know if I should feel relieved or not that she got the same worry I felt when I was in the office with the guys. I nod slowly.

"But I think only Eric, Chase and Zach know everything and...I think they're trying to keep it that way because they got authorization for my medications to go through them. It's under the pretense that the type of medications they are require monitoring…" I pause and smile a little before I look at her. "I asked him if he was cutting me and Eric gave me this big speech saying it would only affect me if I let it and then demanding if I was going to let it win or not. He said...that he...they...believe in me."

She lets out a 'whoosh' sound as the breath she seemed to be holding escaped her in a rush after she flung herself backwards on the bed. She chuckles after a few seconds and then huffs out. "Wow ...and just...wow." She sits up on the bed to look at me with amazement on her face that has me frowning. "Don't get me wrong that's all great. It's just...it's Eric! I know it makes sense knowing what I do about you two but still...it's kind of hard to believe this is Eric Coulter. You know?"

I frown and shake my head. "No. I don't but it doesn't matter now. Not after this morning and he realized what was really going on with me. God, you should have seen how fast he jumped back from me. Like I was poisonous and could infect him with my weakness just by being near him."

She scoffs at me, almost angrily and narrows her eyes at me. "You don't really believe that." She pronounces.

This time, I'm the one tossing myself back on my bed with a disgruntled grumble as I scowl up at the ceiling above my bed. "No. But I do think that he's convinced he's to blame for all my pain and is determined he will make sure nothing can hurt me more. Even if that means he stays away from me."

It's quiet after my declaration until I hear wheezing breaths escaping her that turns to full-on laughing. I raise up on my arms to glare at her to see her clutching her stomach she's laughing so hard.

"You two are just seriously...just all kinds of fucked up...and that's saying something coming from me…" She keeps laughing through trying to get out her thoughts on our relationship.

I watch this with anger brewing at first until I realize, she's right. We do have this messed up sort of relationship going on where anything goes in training but outside of it…

"I know. It's kind of ironic considering I always walk away from the mornings looking like...how did Christina put it?"

"Like a poster board for a battered women's shelter?"

"Yeah, that," I growl out and sit up all the way. "But it's never been like that, Lynn."

She shrugs and sighs as the laughter subsides. "I know. It's just hard to see. Even for me, Kat."

I have no response to that, not one that will make it easier when I know how it feels anytime I watch someone I care about hurt. So I don't try to respond and move to my trunk to start getting things ready for my shower and bed, putting my clothes for tomorrow on top of the bed and the book I'm going to try and read by my pillow.

"Is the pain bad right now, Kat? Honestly?"

I sigh into the open trunk before closing it and shrug. "Honestly, the pain was pretty constant and intense at first. Now it comes and goes sometimes not so intense as other times. The hardest thing to deal with has been how sensitive my skin is to everything. And I mean everything. At first, when I got up it felt like the air against my skin was acid not to mention what putting clothes on felt like. But now it isn't so much pain...it's...like everything I touch or encounter is amplified. Holding the knives today...I felt each detail and texture, no matter how small they were. I can feel the slightest changes in temperature even...that's how sensitive it is...and it's just…"

I shiver at the memory of Eric being close and feeling the heat from his body so damn close. Or when his arm brushed against mine...I felt the hairs of his bare forearm tickling against my skin.

"Those don't sound bad to me, Kat." Her eyes are wide while looking at me.

"It is when it makes you feel things you can't do shit about, Lynn." I snap at her, causing her eyes to widen even more before we both start laughing while I start to blush.

"So tell him, Kat. If he knows you aren't in pain anymore, maybe that will help things. Hell, maybe it will help things a whole lot." She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively cause me to get even redder.

"Maybe it might make him not treat me like I'm a leper but it definitely won't make him want more."

She sighs and shakes her head at me before standing up. "You already know my opinion on that matter so I won't preach anymore. Just take the night and rest. You've had a seriously messed up week."

I laugh at the understatement and nod as she leans in and pulls me into a hug that is still pretty firm but much more gentle than the earlier one. I return it though, knowing that she isn't one to initiate shows of affection like this, and squeeze her to let her know I'm okay.

She pulls away quickly and mutters 'night' before she shuffles out leaving me in the silence of the dorm. It's almost too quiet in an eerie kind of way that I quickly shake off when I realize this means I can take a shower without having to do the normal shy shuffle Tris and I go through as we try to cover each other while hurriedly bathing.

Over the past few weeks I've found myself longing for that shower I had at Eric's apartment, and not just because of the sinful luxury that his shower is either. It's been me more longing for the safety and comfort I had knowing that I could do it in peace without having someone messing with me in one way or another. As I take my shower now I have to admit to myself that I also loved not having to see all the other girls practically parading around in various states of nudity.

I would like to think I'm not so Abnegation that I can't handle seeing bare chests or all the initiates walking around in just their underwear…if I'm lucky and they aren't just 'air-drying' as Allison claims is the best for the skin after a shower. And honestly, it isn't that I think them being that way is wrong. We're being forced to live together for the time during initiation and my discomfort at baring everything doesn't mean that everyone else should feel the same way. What causes me the most discomfort though is the absolute reminder of just how much I lack in so many areas as a woman.

I finish my shower and shake my head to push away all the bad thoughts that are just exhausting me even more, reminding myself that I decided shortly after getting here that there isn't anything wrong with my body and there is more to being a woman than how a person is built.

I step out from between the plastic curtains that serve as a shower stall and wrap the towel tightly around my body then turn back to grab my bath stuff and take it over to the bench where my bag is. I pile my hair on the top of my head in a messy bun after doing a quick towel dry then am brushing my teeth when I spot something in my bag that makes me smile. I hurry up and finish that then I grab the body lotion and moisturizer when I remember the gifts my friends surprised me and Tris with last week.

They managed to talk someone into going to Amity and getting the stuff we used to get for ourselves back in Abnegation because we were still having skin reactions to the stuff we bought when we got here. They insisted we take and consider it a late birthday gift.

Feeling my mood lift just a little and I feel the urge to be a bit daring after I realize I forgot to bring my night clothes with me. So I decided to give 'air-drying' a try. I still can't bring myself to take the towel off but I take my time in using the gifts that I haven't really had time to before now.

When I have that done I put everything back in their places, close the bag and step out of the bathroom area of the dorm only to stop short and let out a startled gasp when I see someone standing beside my bed scowling down at it until they see me and turn it on me.

"Shit! You scared me, Eric," I gasp and put a hand over my chest as I glare in his direction.

He doesn't respond at first. He just keeps staring at me which makes me shift nervously and double-check my towel is on securely. After I've made sure it's still in place, and Eric still hasn't said a word, I walk towards my bed and deposit my bag on top of the trunk.

"Are you okay, Eric?" I finally asked after still waiting for some kind of movement from him. Still nothing, just his eyes moving over me in a way that starts to make me feel like its actually his hands. I wriggle a little at the slightly uncomfortable feeling it's causing me as I can feel myself blushing all over my body, and I snap. "Eric."

This does the trick and his eyes snap to mine. "Huh?" For a moment I feel a little smug at how flustered he is until his next words and the scowl that crosses his face deflates that in me. "Jesus...could you...fuck...will you just get dressed, Kat. I can't…" He jerks his head so that he faces away from me.

Something in me rebels at his tone and the way he's scowling at me right now like I'm doing something wrong by being in a towel after my shower. I wasn't the one that asked him to come here right now and besides that, it's not my fault that there is absolutely no privacy here in the dorms for us to get changed. Considering he's one of the people in charge of initiation he shouldn't be all upset right now.

It makes me feel frustrated and angry, and feeling like maybe what I should do is just drop my towel right now instead of getting dressed how I normally would with pulling everything on while I still have it wrapped around me. I only realize that my hands went to the top of my towel to undo it when Eric huffs and turns from me. I watch with shame filling me as he walks away from me towards the wall where he extends his arms to lean against it and drops his head.

When are you going to get the hint that he doesn't like you like that, Kat?

Feeling like I've gotten one wound too many tonight I cut my line of thinking off and proceed to get dressed. It doesn't take me long to grab my underwear and slip those on first before I pull the sweatshorts on next. All this is done with the towel still wrapped around me and just pulling those under it. The simple black shirt goes over the top of the towel and once it's on I can finally undo it. After I'm done I tiredly toss it on the end of the bed and then sit down on it.

"Done," I call out, hanging my head and looking at the floor.

My new sensitivity comes in full force after I hear him let out a breath. I feel the swirl in the air as he moves, the chill in the air starts to fade with the heat of his body as he approaches and then that heat jumping from his body to mine when the bed dips and he sits beside me.

One hand comes into view as he holds it out in front of me, a bottle of water in it. This makes me frown and turn my head to look at him. I see a small plastic box in his other hand.

"Your last round of meds for the day. There are some pills and I have to give you an injection." He relates to me even as he flips open the lid of the box after I take the bottle of water.

"Oh," My response sounds lame and a bit petulant even to me as he hands over the small pile of pills first with a look telling me not to argue. I wasn't going to even though I know my tone suggested. I just couldn't help the disappointment that I felt when I realized that's why he's here. I sigh and break up the handful into two groups then follow them each with a gulp of water.

I'm too tired and done with myself self-imposed disappointments to worry about what he might be giving me. Despite whatever is going on (or not going on) between me and Eric, I trust him to not give me anything bad. I've accepted when they had to keep me drugged up as being necessary and moved past the initial stab of anger I had when I realized what they had done. Zach did say it had been the only way and already apologized for it.

I jump slightly when Eric's fingers make contact with my arm and my head snaps to the side to look at him. His lips thin at my reaction while his eyes offer a pained apology. "I have to move the sleeve of the shirt and give you the injection now, Kat."

"Okay," I only hesitate for a second before I nod and give my agreement. I want to say something else to him. Tell him that I'm not in as much pain and that he didn't hurt me. I want to tell him all about the new things going on with me but I just can't for some reason.

With as little contact as possible, he raises the sleeve of my shirt, brushes an alcohol swab over a small area on my arm then presses the opening of the injection against the skin and hits the button that will shoot out the three prongs that deliver the medicine. The sound it makes is more jarring than the actual needles piercing through and it's over quickly but I still grimace. Something Eric's expression mirrors but he lets out a relieved breath when it's done.

He pulls it away and tosses it back into the box before he pulls out another swab and a square piece of gauze. He cleans the area of the small beads of blood first with the swab then holds the gauze in place.

"Thanks," I can't help but smile at how gentle and caring he's being right now.

He nods and pulls it away then hesitates before he lifts his other hand. Eric slowly and very carefully tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. His fingers barely skim over the skin there but it's enough to have a shiver running through me and a soft sigh escaping me before I can stop either.

"You should get some sleep, Kat. I expect you in the dining hall in the morning at the same time as always. We can see what training will be from there."

As he's speaking in a low husky tone that doesn't help the feelings I'm trying to stop myself from feeling, he never stopped touching me. The tips of his fingers skim along my ear from the top, down to the fleshy lobe until he reached where it connects with the side of my face until he reached my jaw. I feel his burning into me and open mine back up to see him watching me with hooded and wary eyes. I know he's watching me for any signs of discomfort or pain I felt this morning.

There is no pain and I can only hope this shows through the discomfort and chaos his touch is wrecking to that heightened sensitivity I have right now.

"Okay, Eric," I agree breathlessly.

His soften as I see a small amount of relief flash through them and his lips twist in the start of a smile. "Good girl," He replies just before he leans forward and presses those lips to my forehead.

I melt into the contact. There's no way to stop it when it feels too damn good. But he pulls away quickly and the absence of him snapped me out of it. I watch as he walks away from the bed after muttering goodnight to me. My breath hitches in my chest and tears burn my eyes as I watched him go even while I force myself to slide under the covers on my bed. The last view I have of him before he disappears up the stairs is him looking over his shoulder at me, his blue eyes seem to be blazing with heat before he turns away completely.

I sigh and close my eyes while clutching the book I meant to try and wind my mind down with before going to sleep but it can't compare to the fantasy that surges forth as soon as my eyes are shuttered. I fantasize that it's not this scratchy bed I'm in but his bed. And I in the dream I feel similar to how it was when I woke this morning. The difference is I'm not in it alone. He has me wrapped in his arms making me feel safe. Cherished even. I drift deeper into sleep as I chase that feeling, hoping it doesn't go away.