Chapter 35 - Maybe We're Not Meant To Be

Kat

I wake with a slight gasp and clutching at my stomach hoping to stop the churning the nightmare induced in me. I slump onto the bed in relief when I don't get sick like I have in the past when I've had this particular nightmare.

It's one I haven't had in a while and I guess maybe I was due for it but I hate it all the same.

My eyes strain against the darkness of the room as they search out any threat that might be present. Another thing I do after pretty much any of my nightmares but especially this one. There are the normal sounds of my dorm-mates make as they sleep but nothing to make me alarmed. I raise my arm and look at my watch to find that it's well past lights out.

I can't believe I slept through the entire process of everyone coming in and getting ready for bed. I groggily realize that I'm tucked into my blankets a bit tighter than when I barely managed to crawl under the covers before. Also, the book that I had in my hand is gone and raising my head shows me that the towel from the shower is too.

A smile twists my lips as I imagine Tris coming in and doing all of those things before going to bed. I feel a sense of warmth at those small gestures and shows of affection. I lay back in bed for several minutes, trying to get back to sleep but I know it's not going to happen. That dream has me completely unsettled. Even looking over at Tris laying in bed isn't easing the panic and worry that dream brings me.

I sigh, close my eyes and start to take slow deep breaths in then releasing them just as slowly. It works to lower my heart rate but I'm not any closer to sleep. It did clear up my mind enough to have an idea. Before I can second guess myself I move to get up and then get dressed quickly, and quietly so I don't wake anyone up. After a second's hesitation, I decided to make my bed as well before I leave the dorm and head for the Pit.

Earlier when I looked at my watch I realized that while it is past lights out for the initiates there would still be a good portion of the faction awake. There's no guarantee that I'm going to find the three older dauntless guys with the crowds in the Pit but I decided even a small chance is better than none.

At this time the Pit isn't as crowded as normal but as my Dauntless-born friends have told me this doesn't mean that the parties haven't been taken elsewhere in the compound. It's surprising to me how many places that can be found dedicated to some form for partying or entertainment here. It's overwhelming sometimes to have so many choices.

I stop and look around at the groups and people milling around as they drink and dance or just stand around being loud and full of life. At first, I think that a slim chance of finding any of the three men was actually zero until I finally spotted Chase and Zach standing at the ledge of the second level, leaning on the railing there. They look to be deep in conversation about something while taking drinks from the cups in their hands. It's not surprising to me to not see Eric with them right now. Zach's said before his preference is to stay at his apartment instead of hanging out with the crowds. I start to head in their direction until I spot something over Chase's shoulder that stops me cold.

Sitting at the bar is Eric with a girl between his legs who's running her hands up his thighs. I swallow and watch as he lowers the cup he had been drinking from and turns his head to look at her. I watch as he says something to her with a smirk that has her giggle then takes one of those hands and moves it further up his leg until she reaches his...

Then I watch as he abruptly stands up, grabs her arm and leads her away.

I watch them go and wish the ground beneath my feet would open up and swallow me down so that I could escape everything I'm feeling. So I can get away from the hurt in my chest or the feeling that my world is crashing down around me.

I wish I could go back to a time when I never felt all the things I've been feeling lately but that would mean going back to before I met Eric and that's something that, even now, I can't wish for. I look down at the ground at my feet and will them to move. To take me away from here as fast as they can and then maybe I can get away from everything going on in my head. I finally get moving but the pace is much slower than I care for and the hope I had to get away from my mind is dashed as well.

Part of me wants to be mad at Eric but the reasonable side of me shot that thought down as soon as it came up. Haven't I always said that there was no way he would ever go for someone like me when he could have girls...no...women...like her? Besides, Eric has never once said he sees me as anything other than a friend.

I only have myself to blame for my current state, I determine, with slumped shoulders.

"Kat!" A gruff voice shouts my name and I hear hurried steps as the owner of the voice jogs to catch up to me.

I know who that voice belongs to and I heard the worry in the way he said my name. I have a twinge of guilt that spikes through me when I don't stop or even attempt to ease that worry for my friend but I can't face him. If he's here then he knows way too much about how I'm feeling right now and why, and that is mortifying enough.

"Kat, stop," He pleaded in a huff when I picked up my pace.

Unlike Eric, Chase did know other tones than commands. I still can't bring myself to face him, though, I do stop.

"I...I'm just going to go back to sleep, Chase," I reply meekly.

His sigh is loud behind me, letting me know he's finally caught up to me. "I don't think the Dauntless-born training room has anything that can be used as a bed, sweetheart."

My head snaps up and I see the double doors of the training room right in front of me. I hadn't had a direction in mind when I left the Pit other than just wanting to get away. I groan and close my eyes then shake my head.

"Fine. I guess I can work out. You should head back to the party. I'll be fine."

"You know that isn't happening and we both know what you saw back there." I hear the anger in his tone. I'm not sure what he's angry about.

"It doesn't matter," I whisper the thought out loud as I walk forward, push the door open and then walk into the training room.

"It does to you and whether you believe it or not, it does to him too."

I shrug, trying to shake off the bit of hope those words gave me. The effort to make myself believe like I don't want that to be true sends a wave of exhaustion through me. I don't even have the energy to move further into the room to make it over to one of the weight benches. Instead, I move to the edge of the room and slide down one of the walls until I'm sitting on the cold floor.

"I don't know why it would, Chase. We're just friends."

"Did he actually say that? That you are 'just' friends?"

I sigh tiredly and watch as he gracefully takes a seat next to me. "What do you want from me, Chase? I'm trying...I mean I have no right to be hurt or upset. Besides, why would he even want something like that with me when he has his choice of women like her."

"He's a fucking idiot," Chase growls and his head thumbs back against the wall. If it hurt he doesn't seem to notice or care. He just sighs and turns his head to look at me then lifts it off the wall and shakes it. "And I'm sorry to say this but you're being a bit of one too, sweetheart."

"Me? I'm being an idiot? How?" I cringe at the shriek in my voice, but really, how does he think I'm being an idiot?

Maybe for building things up so much in your little fantasy world that it's being crushed has you acting like one?

"Jesus…" He mutters, catching my attention again and making me look at him. "You two just need to talk already. What I can say is he's had his reasons for why he hasn't done it yet. Even if I don't agree with them, I can say they're important to him."

I shake my head in disbelief and looked off into the distance with tears I've been denying finally trying to make an appearance. "I don't understand. What reasons and what does this have to do with what he's doing with the girl?" I ask in a hushed whisper as my voice waivers.

"Sometimes a person can go their entire lives having been with people physically and never having had anything that could be considered meaningful. I know this is all new to you and it might not seem that way but this is new to Eric too."

I bow my head and sniff back the tears. Chase puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against his side. I feel the pressure of his lips against the top of my head just before he breathes in deeply and lets out a sigh. He just holds me like that while I process everything he's said. It's hard to wrap my head around everything. No matter how many times I've told myself not to get my hopes up or read too much into things I always do and something always happens that dashes them again. I don't want to lose the friendship that I have with Eric but I can't keep setting myself up either.

"I don't know what to do," I confess softly.

"Just think about what I told you. I know you're probably feeling angry right now.."

"I don't, Chase," I interject before he can finish. "I'm not mad at him at all. I'm upset with myself...and hurt...and sad...and tired of...I don't...everything...right now."

I feel his nod against my hair as he squeezes my shoulders for a second before he tenses and pulls away, then takes my chin in his hand and makes me look at him. "Are you in pain right now?"

"No." He gives me a look with a raised eyebrow and I know he thinks I'm not being truthful. "Really, I'm not in pain like I was before. I'm definitely sore and my body feels achy in the same way it has after a really bad case of the flu, but the pain is much better. The few episodes of pain flaring up have been manageable and don't last as long. I think the medications are really helping."

He frowns and nods, then lets my chin go but pulls me against his side again. "That's good. Really good. Much faster than we anticipated." He takes a breath and lets out. "Why don't we keep that to ourselves for now. I don't want us to report that you're better and then have something else happen. So, let's plan on waiting for the three weeks and see how you are then. Okay?"

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't accept me saying it's not okay, but I have no reason to fight him on this either, so I just nod and give him a tired smile. "Sounds good."

We sit there for a few more minutes in the quiet before his sigh breaks it. "I have to get you back to the dorm now, sweetheart. You have your last fight tomorrow and you need to be rested for it."

"I know." I nod, agreeing with him that I know that's what I should be doing but also that I most likely won't.

He stands first, then reaches down and pulls me up. We walk back to the dorm while chatting a little about what I'm expecting to happen tomorrow. I know I'll be matched against either Edward or Peter tomorrow and Chase agrees it does seem likely but he doesn't let on if he knows for sure who it is.

When we get to the dorm he stops me for a second and pulls me in for a hug. "If he wasn't my brother I would kick his ass for hurting you. I still might." He whispers into my hair before pulling back and giving me a smile that tells me he's, at least, partially joking.

I huff out a laugh then sniff and shake my head. "I'll be okay. I'll get some sleep and tomorrow I'll be right as rain."

Chase quirks a side smile at me and shakes his head. "I think that the Oracle said to eat a cookie and by the time you finish you'll be right as rain."

"Well, we're all out of cookies, aren't we?" I smirk at him and walked towards the door. "Goodnight, Chase." I call out to him as I walk through hearing his chuckle before he returns a 'goodnight' as well.

My smirk drops as soon as I'm in the door and the darkroom. The heaviness in my heart back in full force now that I'm not trying to lighten the mood for my friend. I shuffle my way to the bed and don't bother trying to change back into pajamas. I do unlace and remove my boots before curling against the head of my bed. Sleep is even further out of my reach now than just after the dream that woke me.

In the dark where no one can see me I let silent tears fall as I bury my head in my arms on my knees. For the first time since we started our morning training sessions, I dread having to face Eric. For the first time since I got here to Dauntless, I feel the first real pangs of homesickness and doubt of my place here.