Chapter 36 - Your Arms Feel Like Home

Eric

"You should go check on her. She needs her meds anyway and the one-shot she needs is using the auto-injector to the arm. Which is something you can do and don't need me for."

I look up as Zach slides a small case beside my tray that I know has all the medications Kat will need to take tonight already portioned off and set up.

"I don't know if I can, Zach."

"Well, too bad. Because you're going to have to." He snaps, making me look at him with a frown. He sighs and stands as he shakes his head. "I have stuff to catch up on and I really need you to do this, Eric."

I try not to sigh or look put out as I nod and watch him walk away without waiting for me to say anything. Chase is gone already. He left shortly after Kat when Raze messaged him to get to control so they could review more footage from the nights before and after capture.

I grab the box with her meds and slip it into the inner pocket of my jacket then get up to grab a bottle of water before I make my way out of the dining hall. I walk through the pit and eye her friends where they are gathered, making sure she didn't slip back out and join them or something. I know Chase messaged me that he saw Lynn come back out by herself not long ago. I can't help but make sure for myself.

It's just the three Dauntless-born off to themselves talking while her sister is with the transfers. Leaving the possibility that she's actually alone in the dorm. Which is not something I was counting on. I thought there might be someone in there with her, probably her sister. While I didn't care for having an audience since I have to give her the shot and make sure she takes her other meds, I feel it would be for the best at the moment that there's a buffer of some kind between us.

I also don't count on finding her bed empty and realize too late that there are sounds coming from the bathroom area when I finally do get to the dorm.

I freeze in place and train my eyes on her bed. That's a fucking mistake because laid out right on the top of it is her nightclothes, underthings, and what looks like the cover of some goddamn romance novel next to her pillow. Between that and imagining her standing under the water I hear running for her shower…

I close my eyes and run through my mind this morning and the feeling I had when I discovered what my touch was doing to her. I hold onto that memory until it drives down the lust enough to keep me from doing anything other than what I came here for.

When I finally opened them again it's because the water shut off a few minutes ago so I know she should be coming out fairly soon. Then my eyes widen when I realize that I'm looking at the clothes she should be wearing out of there. Several long minutes pass by as I stand stock still and wait while I hear her moving around but hasn't emerged. During that time conflicting emotions are raging in me that have me scowling pretty hard. I'm seconds from going in there and demanding why the hell her clothes are on her bed and if this is something she does a lot here in the dorm where just any fucking person has access to see her in that state.

Of course, that's when she decides to step out and gets hit full force with that scowl. She lets out a startled gasp and clutches the hand that isn't carrying the bag of her bath stuff over her heart.

"Shit! You scared me, Eric." She exclaims and frowns at me then moves that hand from over her heart to subtly check her towel is secured tightly. My anger at her not being dressed lessens when I see that she is at least covered and by her reaction it's pretty obvious she wasn't expecting anyone to be in here.

She walks forward a few more steps, still frowning at me but now it's more of a worried frown as I stand here not able to say a word while I take her in. Her hair is still wet but it's messily arranged on the top of her head, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. All that skin that's exposed and not wrapped in a towel has a nice pink tone to it that starts to darken a little the longer I continue looking at her.

And I just can't stop looking. I get to her feet...and Jesus, even those are doing things to me. How can feet be so goddamn...cute?

"Are you okay, Eric?" She's way too close by the time I get myself together. Having already gotten to the end of her bed and put the bag she had in her hand on top of her trunk.

Fuck no I'm not okay. I feel like I'm a goddamn bomb about to go off and you keep lighting the fuse not even knowing how dangerous I am.

This girl has no idea about the power she has over me or my emotions. How close to losing it I am and have been since she came into my life.

"Eric!"

She snapped my name out with such a deep blush it makes me wonder if I had been voicing some of the thoughts running through my mind.

"Huh?" Her blush is getting deeper, extending down her neck and disappearing under the towel. I'm so damn close to reaching out and ripping that thing off her. "Jesus...could you...fuck...will you just get dressed, Kat. I can't…"

I have to force myself not to look at her but it takes me way too long to do even that. But it's enough time to see something flashing in her eyes at my tone. That look and her hands moving towards the where she has the towel secured warn me to what I think she's about to do and I move fast, walking away from her and facing towards the wall.

I don't dare turn around and I'm left imagining every movement I can hear her making as she dresses.

"Done," She calls out softly. I push away from the wall while swallowing hard and turn to face her.

When I see how small and defeated she looks sitting on her bed it makes me mentally curse, calling myself every kind of bastard. I know before the night is done I'm going to be visiting the fights and see if anyone might be capable of giving me the kind of ass-kicking I deserve.

I knew I should have just gone back to my apartment to drink.

Chase and Zach warned me that I should because they knew I was likely to continue with my usual routine if I stayed after fights at the bar. I didn't listen. I was still hyped up from the fights and had it in my mind that no one was going to make me hide away like a fucking coward, even if that person was me and my own demons.

The door to my office slams shut so hard that it rattles in the frame and I can still hear the chick yelling all kinds of curses at me from the other side of the door I just sent her through. I lean against it scowling and wishing she would leave already so I can go to my place and wash any trace of her off me. Not that there's much of it but even that's not a fucking comfort. I don't know any man that would be thankful for his dick going limp when a girl is about to go down on him. It takes a minute for her tirade to end and I wait another five minutes before I decide it should be clear for me to go home.

I started stripping the second I'm through my door and I turn every shower head and nozzle on full blast at the hottest temperature I can tolerate. But no matter how hard the water pounds against me or how hot I get it, it's not washing away what I really want it to. The guilt I felt and tried to rationalize myself out of feeling the entire time I was leading the girl from the bar to my office, telling myself I wasn't doing anything wrong because Kat and I aren't actually together. My body knew what was up and it wasn't being fooled one bit. That's why the raging hard-on I had been sporting since seeing Kat in the dorm deflated as soon as someone else put their hands on me.

I pushed her away and told her to get out because I knew when she got on her knees and started to undo my belt that it wasn't happening.

Maybe if I imagined it being Kat it might have. That wasn't something I was willing to do...not then...but now…

"Fuck," I groan when memories of Kat surge to the front of my mind and I reach down and grip myself firmly. Even just the memory…

It's not all from remembering her in that towel either. Her skin pink and glistening from her shower. Or her bare legs, shapely calves and the cutest fucking feet I've ever seen. Or her hair piled up on her head, exposing her neck and shoulders, not to mention the swell of her breasts….fuck…

"Shit." I moan as I continue to stroke myself and feeling that familiar tingle building fast and hard knowing it's not going to take much more for me to go off.

Her eyes when they flashed briefly with that gold telling me she didn't like my tone when I ordered her to get dressed. Then her hands reaching for the towel…

I keep my eyes closed tightly while everything I didn't allow myself to imagine in the dorm with Kat now rushes through my mind just as my climax rushes through me.

I shove the rolled-up thermal into the bag beside the first one I put in there seconds ago and do a mental inventory of everything, checking things off as I go. I know by doing this I'm avoiding acknowledging that this is probably up there on the list of stupid shit I've done but I won't back down from the idea either.

After my shower, I set about cleaning my apartment and in general trying to keep myself busy because sleep was nowhere in sight for me. Time ticked by and I knew I was going to need to at least try but as soon as I got into my bed Kat's scent hit me and I know what's stopping me from being able to go to sleep is the need I have for her to be here with me again.

I knew that couldn't happen. At least I'm not so far out of my mind that I don't realize getting her and bringing her back here would be a bad idea. Laying in bed I looked out my window and saw a glimpse of the moon and something she said at dinner gave me an idea.

So here I am. My bag is packed and I zip it closed, shoulder it and then leave my apartment before I can second guess myself.

There's still a good amount of activity in the Pit but it is dying off as those that actually give a shit about their duties realize they need at least a little sleep to be functional. I still try to stick to the shadows and away from those people wandering around. As I slip through the dorm door I have this sudden thought that I'm acting like a teenager sneaking into a girl's room and trying not to be caught by her parents.

There is a faint blue light that comes from the bathroom area that's just enough to make my way around the room without being totally blind. This light is what shows me just enough of her bed to know that she's not asleep in it as I thought she would be. Seeing her sitting up against the head of the bed with her knees pulled against her chest immediately sends concern in me. She doesn't realize I'm here as I crouched down beside her and I don't alert her at first. Her head is down, buried in her arms. I can't tell, because if she is I don't hear it, but I think she might be crying.

I shift and raise a hand to reach out to her. It's enough to get her attention and she jerks her head up and softly gasped when she looks over in my direction before she reaches up and scrubs her hands over her face in a swiping motion. I shake my head and gestured for her to be quiet when I can tell she's about to speak.

I sign to her to get dressed but realize even as I'm doing it that she already is fully dressed and that her boots are beside the bed. With a worried frown, I hand her that and the jacket that was hanging from the end of the bed before I sign to her that I'll be waiting outside of the dorm. She takes the boots and jacket from me and tilts her head but doesn't respond right away. It takes a full moment before she finally nods and starts to pull on her boots. I rise quickly and move to stand outside the door to think while I wait for her. Something happened with Kat tonight that had her getting out of bed to get dressed, not to mention I'm pretty sure she was crying when I got here, but I don't know what it could be.

She joins me not too much later. Her hair is down now but the hood the jacket is pulled over her head, both of them obscuring her face. I frown then look around while at the same time I reach down and grab her hand then pull her along with me to one of the hidden paths near the dorm.

Neither of us speaks as we take several really dark and winding paths. Paths that would confuse anyone that didn't know them as well as I do. When I first got here it became a hobby of mine, mapping out as much of the compound as I could and learning its secrets. There are some really deep and dark places here and I know almost all of them, that has come in handy a time or two. I have a feeling that it would again soon.

I had to hold her close when we made our way down those paths that had virtually no light to see by. With it being so dark and the ground being in such a terrible state it would be easy for her to take on a misstep and get hurt. Truthfully, I probably didn't have to hold her as close as I did but it felt too good as soon as I pulled her against my side to give it up.

We finally get to the stairs and start to climb up them. Even though there is more light to see by in this corridor her face is still obscured, preventing me from seeing her expression when we get to the door and I open it up revealing the rooftop on the other side. I let her go out first and close the door behind us.

She stopped just a few steps ahead of me with her head tilted back. I hear her taking a big breath before she looks over her shoulder at me and smiles.

"This rooftop is further away from the ones you've been on so far during training. I thought it would be a bit more private for us here."

She nods slowly, her forehead wrinkling with a frown for a moment before she looks away and becomes hidden under that hood again.

I walk further onto the roof until I reach the area that made me pick this roof, to begin with. There is a partially bricked in area where old air conditioning units used to be housed. Those had been removed a long time ago, leaving the brick structure which is just three walls and no roof. But it's enough to shield us from the cold winds of the night. She follows me over here and I let the bag I brought drop to the ground then motion for her to take a seat as I slide down the wall to take one myself. She hesitates again. It's slight but there. I still can't see her face and I'm tempted to tear that damn hood off her head. Her hesitation lasts maybe a second or two before she sits beside me and pulled her knees up to her chest, there's a wide space and silence between us.

I realize, even more now that she's here with me, what I feel from simply being with Kat in any fashion is more than I've ever felt with any of those women from before. There is no comparison. I let my head fall back against the wall and collect myself, my actions and guilt from earlier tonight weighing heavily on me.

"It's so beautiful tonight. I wasn't expecting to see a full moon." Kat breaks the silence by sighing out the words. I can hear the smile in them before I turn my head to see it for myself.

I in reply nod, which she can't see because she's not looking at me. "You said something at dinner about not seeing the sky and when I saw it from my window...I thought you might like to see this for yourself."

"Thank you. I didn't think I would miss being outside so much."

A small breeze whips around us even with the small shelter and I see her shiver slightly as it does. The temperature is cooler as the season changes to fall, which is why I packed a few things with that in mind. I reach for the bag and pull out one of the thermal blankets I brought with me.

"I..umm...brought a blanket for us." I look over at her and mentally sigh when I see how much space there is between us. It feels like miles. I know this is because of how I reacted earlier today and this is a rift completely of my own making. "You can have it."

I unfold the blanket and start to drape it over her but she stops me with her words. "We...we can share." She's finally pushed the hood down and is looking at me, her head tilted back to look up at me with hesitancy in her eyes.

It's not really her suggestion that stops me from replying, from telling her that I brought another blanket so we don't have to share. Now that she isn't hidden from me I see her eyes are slightly puffy and tinged with red as if she's been crying. There's something there in her eyes that tells me it's taking a lot from her to make that suggestion and that refusing might make her hurt worse than she is right now.

So I nodded numbly while frowning and stopping myself from asking her what made her cry when something screams at me from the back of my mind to stop. Warning me that I don't really want to go there.

My nod was all the answer she needed as she starts to scoot closer. But she does it very slowly, and carefully. Almost like someone would approach a wild animal. I can tell this her testing if I'm going to move away or change my mind and tell her no. Instead, I reach out and pull her closer to my side then put the blanket over both of us. She sighs and wraps an arm around my waist.

My body's reaction is instant but I push that down, refusing to let it control things and possibly ruin the moment with her.

I realize that I didn't plan for anything to rest our heads on when we scoot to actually laying down. so I shove the bag behind us. "I didn't think to bring any pillows or anything like that so this will have to do," I mutter by way of explanation to her.

She shrugs and shifts so she's actually on her side with her chest against my side. "I've slept without pillows and on the ground before. It doesn't bother me much. Honestly, the dorm beds are kind of luxurious compared to how I had been sleeping for the last few years.

I wonder if she knows how much that upsets me even as I try and fight letting it show because she starts making these soothing gestures on my chest with her hand. "It was all by choice, Eric. Like I said that first day it was a sacrifice I made knowingly."

I nod while sighing. I still don't like it even if I understand where she's coming from. I decided to change the subject. "What was it like living there? Like day to day?"

I look down and see her lips curling in a smile and she cuddles in a bit closer to me.

"Are you sure you want to hear all about my extremely boring life in Abnegation?"

"Absolutely. Thrill me with your tales of darning socks and whatever else the hell it is the stiffs do for laughs." I smirk as I taunt her and she playfully slaps her hand against my chest before she responds while laughing softly.

"Hey, mock all you want but knitted scarves and hats are amazing and as soon as I can I'm sweet talking my sister into making some."

"I take it that you don't know how to make them yourself?"

She grimaces and shakes her head. "I never got the hang of it. Anything I made came out looking like it was made for misshapen mutants. I left that kind of stuff to mom and Tris but there were other things I liked doing."

I smile a little and a feeling...something I can't explain...settles in me at how willing she is to open up to me and talk about her life before with me. "Yeah? Like what?"

She sighs and hums before answering. "Well, we used to make a lot of the things we used personally. Like candles and bath stuff. I think my favorite was the small herb garden we kept on top of our house. Tris and I started it together after mom caught us climbing up onto it for the millionth time and she said since we were going to be up there any way she might as well give us a purpose."

Once she got started she had no hesitancy in continuing on.

"The day started at breakfast with my family. We always took turns in preparing our meals but Tris and I tried to always do breakfast instead of our parents since they left so early. Dad always walked Mom to the volunteer center and help her there before he would have to head to the Hub. It wasn't against the rules exactly but it pushed the boundaries. We knew that was their quality time together and it was nice to see those kinds of small gestures of affection and caring for each other even after all their years together. In a way that became our family's way of showing we cared for each other. Doing small things that would make their day just a little better. I got a reminder of that when I woke up tonight and saw that Tris had straightened up for me after my shower and tucked me into bed sometime before she went to sleep. I forgot how good things like that could make me feel."

At her wistful tone, I look away from the night sky and at her face to see her smile. It's full of love, remembrance and even a touch of sadness. There's also a longing that her story inspires in me. Longing for a time when I had something similar with my parents. Before they were taken from me. As much as I want to share that with her, to let her know I understand, doing that isn't something she's ready to hear. And honestly, I'm not ready to tell her either.

"I get it. Instead of physical displays of affection, they communicated it in other ways." I finally respond after pushing aside my feelings.

"They weren't exactly afraid of physical displays either, mostly from my mom. Nothing scandalous, of course, and nowhere as free as what I've experienced here. But they would hold each other's hands when sitting together at the end of the night. Dad would kiss the tops of our heads and brush our cheeks from time to time if we were upset and need of comfort about something. Mom would hold us and stroke our hair while singing to us whenever we were sick."

She smiles up at me shyly and I return it as I reach out to trail a hand over her hair. "It sounds like you had a loving home. I know it had to be hard to leave them."

She sighs and closes her eyes, a shiver going through her at my touch. I let my hand fall away, not wanting to push it because I'm still worried about her being in pain. She opens her eyes back up and smiles at me.

"I miss them but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Every day here it gets a little easier. I think...I think it's because for the first time in my life…"

"You feel like you belong." I finish for her when she trails off.

She nods, still smiling at me. "It's like I can breathe for the first time. Like I could fly even."

I grin at her and chuckle. "Dream of flying do you?"

"Like a bird...or should I say...like a Dauntless." She smirks up at me causing me to laugh outright.

"So you know about that do you. Is that from your friends just telling you about it or have they actually taken you?"

It isn't until I ask that I realize how much I don't want her to have done it yet. I realize I want to be there when she goes for the first time. I want all her firsts of anything and everything for as long as she will let me have them. It's just one more reminder that I want her and only her and doing things like I did earlier is a betrayal no matter my sorry attempts to justify myself.

She huffs with a pout turning her lips down a little as she shakes her head. "No. We knew about it, obviously, but it's all closed off and only certain people have access to the gear or sites. Zeke is supposed to be one of them but Uri said he couldn't get his brother to agree to take us. He said that it's something saved for initiation."

"You mean Zeke follows at least one of the damn rules. Hell must be freezing over." I mutter playfully. "Yeah, that is something usually done as an initiation tradition."

She pouts even more while an idea starts to grow in my mind. "How about we make a deal."

She raises her head to look at me with narrowed eyes. "What kind of deal?"

I take a second to think about how to phrase this without letting too much of my worries come through. "Win your next fight and I'll take you." I challenge her.

She starts to smile but it falters and looks away from me. "I always go into them planning to win, Eric. But I'm realistic and I know this one is going to have me facing either Peter or Edward. Though I'm pretty sure it's going to be Edward. Even before what happened to me the night of capture it was going to be a hard fight and now...now…"

She falters and shudders a little before her shoulders slump forward slightly. All traces of playful challenge is gone right now and I harden my expression. "Listen to me, Kat. I know how you are and how you fight. You can either let this fuel you, or you can let it cloud you. I need you to let it fuel you. Remember our training sessions and what you've learned from watching him. It's all about putting everything together."

She lets out a shaky breath and looks back at me nodding. "I win and you'll take me?"

"Absolutely."

She smiles and lays her head on my chest. "I'll hold you to that."

"I know you will. If you don't I'm sure Chase and Zach will. Besides, I haven't been zip-lining in forever so it's time I went again." I answer with a shrug.

"Why haven't you? Do you not like it all that much?"

"No, I loved it. When I first got here I was able to go a few times but when I became a leader I stopped having time for things like that. I guess I just lost the desire and enjoyment of for a lot of things over time." I trail my fingertips over her hair and lightly brush over her ear.

Her body tenses a little and her breathing becomes slightly ragged. I look down at her with a frown. "Are you hurting right now? If you are, I brought some meds for if you need them."

She shakes her head and I reach down to make her look at me. "No, honestly I'm not hurting right now. That comes and goes but what I was feeling before, that part is much better, Eric."

I want to be relieved but I can't when her words hint at something else going on. Not to mention that she's raising up and away from me until she now sits with her back against the wall. "Something else is happening though, isn't it?"

"Yes," She answers softly, hesitantly.

I move until I'm sitting up beside her too. "What is it?"

She won't look at me. She keeps her head down and seems to be looking at her hands that she has in her lap. I can't really tell because her fucking hair is falling into her face and blocking my view. Something in me snaps and I say fuck it as I reach out, lift her up and put her on my lap. She squeals in surprise and snaps her wide eyes to look at me.

"What's happening, Kat." I don't give her time to be embarrassed about that as I demand from her what's going on.

She swallows nervously before taking a breath and looking me in the eyes. "It's not anything bad, I promise. I'm not in pain. It's just...I seem to have developed...an extra sensitivity with anything I touch or that's touching me. It...it amplifies...things I'm feeling."

It takes a moment for me to connect the words and their meaning with the blush I can see on her cheeks in the bright light of the full moon. "So, is that all the time or does it come and go like the pain?"

"I...haven't really had the chance to test that, yet."

The way she said the word yet and the look in her eyes, there was a flash similar to the one she had in the dorm when she almost let her towel drop. A groan leaves me before I can stop it. Shit, this girl is killing me.

"Is this new thing why you were already up when I got you tonight?"

She blanches and turns her head away, looking up at the moon. "No. I had a bad dream and couldn't sleep after that."

I pull gently turn her face back to me, frowning. "You could have come to me you know that right? You didn't have to sit there all alone in the dark like that."

For a second I think she's about to cry, but she pulls her head away and looks down while shaking her head. "I was going to...but then...I know this is something I need to be able to handle on my own, Eric. I can't go running to you every time I have a bad dream. You have your own life to live."

I don't know if her tone is really off or I'm just imagining it because of the guilt I feel when I remember that had she gone to look for me she wouldn't have found me. Knowing now that she needed me and I wasn't there because of what I was doing at the time...it fucking wrecks me.

"Hey, listen to me, Kat." I take a breath and stroke her cheek, making her look at me again. "Nothing will be as important to me as being able to be there for you."

I get lost in those eyes as she looks at me, the unshed tears making them sparkle in the light of the moon. "I can't ask that of you, Eric."

I stop her play placing the thumb I was using to stroke her cheek over her lips. "You're not asking me. I'm telling you, Kat. It's just the way it is." She swallows causing her lips to move against the pad of my thumb as I gently move it across them. "Understand?"

I'm so close to giving in to the temptation and stealing just one kiss from Kat right now. The problem is that I know that once I do I'll be opening the floodgates and I don't know if I'll be able to stop with just a single kiss. I also have a feeling that if I go there with Kat right now, she won't hold back either. I can barely handle her as it is right now and that's without her even trying.

She nods in response to my question and smiles softly as she replies. "Yes Sir,"

I smile back and sigh and run my fingers through her hair enjoying the cool, silky feeling of it against my skin.

"Eric," Kat sighs softly as she wiggles on my lap, turning herself to face me more directly and causing me to swear forcefully in my mind.

"Yeah?" I reply, not able to hide the strain of trying to talk right now.

"Can I...can I try something?"

Oh fuck…

"Try what, kitten?" I ask warily.

"Well, I think the only way to be able to know the extent of the sensitivity would be to test it out. So, I was wondering...if I could do that. With you."

Yep, I'm screwed.

"Kat, I don't think that would be a good…" Her face falls as I start speaking.

"Yeah. You're probably right. I'm sorry I…" I can see the defeat and hurt that it stops me from denying her.

"Do it." I huff out and interrupt her. "I want you to, Kat," I assure her after she gives me a look that indicates she thinks I'm just agreeing out of pity or something. "I want us to find out more about this."

"Eric, are you sure?" She sounds so timid and unsure of herself.

It's the first time I've ever heard that tone from her and it reminds me just how innocent she is. It's something I tend to forget easily because Kat is like a force of nature to me. I've gotten caught up in the chaos of the storm she brings with her, even if she doesn't know it, and forgotten that at her center there's a girl just as caught up in the storm too and trying to find her way through it.

"Yeah, kitten. I'm sure." I run my hands through her hair and smiled softly at her. "But only what you're comfortable with."

An answering smile curls her lips up and her tongue swipes them briefly before she bites her bottom lip. In that one gesture I know I'm my control is about to be sorely tested.