A/N: Sorry this has been so slow to update. I'm in a bit of an inspiration slump currently. Something I'm sure anyone who is creative can understand. Anywho, hope those out there still reading enjoy the new chapter and hopefully with the holidays over I can get back to a schedule!

Chapter 37 - Is This Real

Kat

Once the tears started I couldn't seem to stop them and it became about so much more than I would have thought I could possibly have enough tears for.

I cried for the fear that hounded my every day for almost seven years. Fear for my family and how I could protect them from a monster named Marcus Eaton. Fear that my coming to Dauntless wouldn't be enough to stop him from going after them. And the fear that now I won't even be there if he should try anything.

I cried because I miss my parents so terribly but I also feel guilty for being happy having left Abnegation despite that.

I cried because I feel like there's all this pressure on me and I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle on my own.

I cried because I don't know what else to do and how to stop feeling like I'm drowning with the weight of everything on my shoulders.

It all bubbled up and broke out, ready to be released, and I let it. Maybe I should have felt weak for crying like I am but I don't see this as a weakness. I see this as a release. It feels good to let it all out. I know that if I don't do this if, I don't allow this...storm inside of me...some way to be released then I'm likely to blow up on someone and hurt them in some manner.

I can't allow that to happen.

I don't know how long Eric had been beside my bed before I realized he was there but by the time I did that stream of tears had become a trickle. Still, I cut them off and tried to hide them. I try to head off any questions about me by asking why he's here but he motions for me not to speak then uses sign language to tell me he wants me to get dressed and meet him out in the hallway.

I almost refuse when I realize what he wants.

For about a second, I'm about to tell him no, that I don't feel like I can. And that's not a lie, I don't at all feel like I can handle facing Eric especially if he's here because Chase told him what happened earlier. I feel horrible enough as it is about the entire situation and I just don't think I can handle Eric confronting me about it. I've always realized that Eric has some kind of power over me but it's never been more apparent than when I find myself nodding yes to him instead of telling him no, like I planned to. Then he's walking out of the dorm while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to handle facing him when seeing him again makes my heart hurt so badly that I just want to curl into a ball on the bed.

I'm already dressed so all I have to do is pull on my boots and jacket. I sit on the bed and take a few breaths, wishing that I could go to the bathroom and run a wet washcloth over my face. I settle for letting my hair down and using my hands to comb through it and use it to hide my face as much as I can. Then I pull the hood of the jacket over my head, stand and walk out of the dorm to Eric.

When we first came to the rooftop I was still feeling as bad as I had in the dorm. That hasn't gone away really. It's just been pushed to the back of my mind. I don't understand it exactly but as much as Eric may have, unintentionally, hurt me...being with him also makes me feel better.

It's the most confusing feeling in the world right now. Needing to be in his arms like I am at the moment but also hurting because I keep wondering about him and that girl.

I don't want to have those thoughts.

I don't want to ruin what is truly a wonderful moment I'm having with Eric as he holds me and has me telling him about my family under the light of a full moon. I don't want to spoil the fact that he thought of me when he saw the moon and sought me out so I could enjoy it with him.

I don't want to feel jealous of how she might have touched him or how he touched her. It makes me feel out of control, powerless, and even weak for feeling that way. That is, until he gives me all that back by telling me he wants to test this new sensitivity together and I'll gladly take it.

I turn in his lap until I'm fully facing him. He groans and grips the sides of my hips. I'm not sure if it was to help or stop me.

"Am I hurting you?" I ask him with a frown, ready to get off him if he says I am.

He chuckles slightly and shakes his head. "I think that might be what I'm supposed to be asking, kitten."

Still frowning, I nod and settle back down. "Okay. Just...tell me to stop anytime you need me to."

"Another one of my lines," He replies huskily.

I don't understand what he means by that, although I do know it means something. The tenor of his voice radiates down my spine. It's enough to have me feeling a strong wave of desire. Then I have a flash of an image of Eric and the girl at the bar and how she touched him. I don't let it stop me like I would have just an hour ago. Behind the desire is a desire is determination to be different than her. I decide that since I have this opportunity I'm going to indulge in exploring all the things that have held a fascination for me. I start with mimicking the same thing he did to me in the dorm earlier tonight.

I reach out tentatively at first. My touch is just the bare tips of my fingers as I slowly graze them from the top of his ear, down. I split my attention on what I'm doing and watching how he's reacting to it. Because of this, I see him inhale sharply before he steadies it by breathing through his nose. He's watching me through hooded eyes and with a small smile playing on his lips that deepens a little when he catches me looking at him. I blush and reach out my other hand to do the same to his other ear while I decided what's next.

There are so many things that I've wanted to touch in some way at one point or another and I plan to take the opportunity now that he's given it to me. I finished using the tips of my fingers to trace from the tip of his ear until I reached his earlobe and I let the hand fall until it rests at the back of his neck, letting me cup it. The other hand moves to my next target area.

His jaw. I didn't know how much a person's jaw could fascinate me until I met Eric. He isn't aware of how much I can tell about his moods from the set of that alone. My touch is light as I trace all along the jawline from one side to the other. I only break contact when I move to the next place.

Eric lets out a soft sigh and closes his eyes when I move to his forehead. I gently soothe over where I know it wrinkles when he's worried. I stroke where I know it creases deeply when he's angry. I caress those places burned into my memory that I know pucker at his rare and beautiful smiles.

He's still smiling slightly when I start to trace the tattoos on his neck.

How many times have I dreamed of doing this same thing, only with my lips instead of the tips of my fingers? Too many to count. I settle for allowing myself to press two fingers against the dark ink in the lightest of touches, pausing and putting just a little more pressure when I get to the spot where his pulse is. It's beating faster than I thought it would be when he swallows I can feel it jumping even higher. So far this is the only outward sign I've had that my touch is having any kind of effect on him and I can't help but smile at this.

It makes me feel a bit bolder and that's when I decided to let my touch drift down. Eric's jacket is open to the black tee-shirt underneath. What really catches my eye, now that I'm this close, is the dark blonde hair on his chest that is peeking over the neckline of his shirt. I let my hand fall there and start to tease along the edge of the material.

"Fuck, kitten" Eric moans in a bare whisper as his head falls back against the wall.

I look up at him to see him watching me through hooded lids. The smile he had is gone and now he looks pained.

"Do you want me to sto…"

"No." He cuts me off gruffly. "Don't...don't stop." He commands, with just a hint of a plea in the tone.

He gripped my hips, pulling me further up his lap and tighter against him. So tight that I feel him through his pants pressing up against me. I let out a small gasped moan of surprise and pleasure. He stops pulling me upward but still holds me tightly against him. I don't dare move and I'm afraid to look at him until I can get myself under control. My mind is racing as fast as my heart right now. Flashing through every touch we've shared before now, every doubt I've ever had, and finally my conversations with Lynn and Chase.

I keep my eyes closed until the taunting voice in my head calling me a coward wins and I open them up finally. When I do, there's no mistaking the desire radiating from his eyes right now. A very tiny part of me, that isn't drowned out by all the other overwhelming feelings I currently have, is giddy with elation to finally know he feels the same way. But it feels like such a hollow, and equally confusing, victory when I know about him being with someone else. Even with all that I need to do one last thing. Still holding his eyes, I reach up and lightly move my thumb over his bottom lip while the rest of my hand rests against his cheek. He leans slightly into the touch as I use the tip of my thumb to trace along it slowly. I intend to do the same to his top lip but before I can he catches my hand with a low growl.

It's then I notice that his chest is heaving as he breathes heavily. He holds my hand in his for a few long seconds, using the pads of his thumb to run over the pads of mine. Then he pulls that hand until its resting at the back of his neck, joining where my other hand already is at the same time as he moves one of his own to the back of my head and pulls me forward.

We're so close to each other. Forehead to forehead, chest to chest...I can feel his heavy breathing and wonder if he can feel the fast beating of my heart.

The chill in the air doesn't help one bit with the fire consuming me as I burn for more, so much more than him just holding me. At the same time I'm terrified that this will be the time Eric doesn't pull away like he's done in the past…

So as much as I might burn for it...I know I can't allow myself to give in to that yearning for that with him. Now when just hours ago someone else was in his arms.

I might not be angry with him for that, but I am very hurt and I'm afraid of how that is going to cause me to react. I close my eyes tightly, breathing him in and soaking in his warmth before I know I'll have to move away from both of those.

His scent is burned into my mind.

The clean smell of the cloth from his clothes. No matter if he's wearing his sharply pressed and coarse uniforms or the ridiculously soft workout clothes. The sharp scent of spearmint from the extremely strong mouthwash and toothpaste he uses after every meal. The spicy bite of clove from the aftershave he uses twice a day because he can't stand any amount of stubble to be allowed to show. The combination assaults my senses and causes the desire I'm feeling to intensify my body trembles with the overwhelming feeling before I can stop it.

"Are you okay?" Eric's breath fans over my face as he rasps the question out and his grip tightens on me just a bit more.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak just yet as I fight back the burning of desire and the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "Just cold," I finally reply.

I feel his nod against me before he pulls away. "Okay, let's get you back under the blanket then."

He releases his tight grip on me and I move to get off his lap feeling as grateful as I am regretful. My breath hitches slightly in my chest when I feel his hardness pressing up into me briefly while I'm raising up to climb off his lap. I bite my lip to keep from moaning and am thankful for the hair falling in front of my face to hide my blush. As I settle back beside him I catch him shifting from the corner of my eye and what might have been him trying to subtly adjust himself before he grabs the blanket and tosses it over the both of us again.

I don't object when he pulls me against his side again as we get settled, laying down. He uses the bag for his pillow but it's clear he intends me to use him as mine when he guides and presses my head into the crook of his arm and against his chest. I don't object. Instead, I curl into his warmth and sigh when I feel him pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I can feel his heart beating against where my head is resting. Its beat is soothing despite being slightly faster than a normal heartbeat.

"I didn't ask you first and I should have, but is this okay, Kat?"

"Yeah, I'm okay with sleeping out here. It's not really all that cold especially with the wall blocking most the wind." I replied softly.

I hear and feel his heavy sigh before he speaks again. "I meant...are you okay with us...being like this together."

I swallow and closes my eyes tightly before responding. "Yeah ...I...I like being with you like this."

"Good," He responds thickly then his arm tightens around me as he exhales deeply. "Get some sleep, kitten." Eric softly commands me, his chest rumbling under me.

Thankfully he doesn't say anything that will require me to speak again. He accepts completely truthful answer, unaware of the thousand other things I'm feeling as well that make me feel like I'm never going to be able to sleep. Until he moves his hand to my head and starts to alternate between running his hand through my hair and lightly massaging my scalp. All the tension in my body slowly melts and I relax into him completely. I don't even fight against it when I feel myself drifting off.