Chapter 38 - If I Told You
Eric
It took everything in me not to give in to the desire my body was bursting with the entire time Kat was touching me. It wasn't even that what she did was all that sexual like I worried she might be going for when she first asked if we could 'explore' things. Considering how innocent it ended up being I probably shouldn't be as turned on as I am. I think with anyone else I wouldn't have been. Kat isn't just anyone and those simple affection filled touches nearly had me coming undone right there. I thought I had known what it was like to want her before but that entire encounter put all those other times to shame. If I'm being totally honest with myself I wouldn't have stopped if I hadn't picked up on the sadness and hurt in her eyes.
She tried to hide it, of course, she always does. But I could tell that even though she was telling the truth that she's okay with me here like this, something was going on in that mind of hers that is upsetting her. While I do want to know what had her so upset, enough to have cried at some point tonight, I stopped myself from demanding to know. In coming to know Kat I've learned that sometimes it's better to let her talk when she's ready and instinct is telling me this is one of those times. It feels like going against my nature to let it drop but I do it.
I feel the tension leaving Kat soon after I start running my hands through hair and not long after that her breathing evens out letting me know she's asleep. I didn't know if the same things I did to comfort and calm her those times she woke up in pain would work now but I had to try something to ease whatever was making her upset.
I had strong doubts that I would be getting any sleep with everything going on in my mind but those along with everything else start to fade along with consciousness.
The alarm on my watch goes off much earlier than I care for but I had set it at this time or a reason. It wasn't just the full moon I planned for us to see together, but also the sunrise. I don't know why I thought of something like that, it's completely unlike me. Maybe because she mentioned not being able to see a sunset anymore but I just had this feeling she would like it. So as much as I felt like a sap for doing it, I set my alarm to go off about when the sun starts to rise.
Despite knowing why my alarm is going off doesn't make me look forward to waking up and losing Kat wrapped up in my arms like she is right now and I'm cursing it as I try to quickly silence the damn thing.
At some point in our sleep, we shifted to both laying on our sides and facing each other so that she is completely wrapped up in my arms and our legs are tangled together. Basically she's using my body for warmth and is huddled into me. Something that has me smiling into the hair at the top of her head and contemplating missing the sunrise for just a bit longer holding her like this. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be something that's going to happen. Not even a minute after I shut the alarm down I feel her coming awake.
Kat stretches, arching her body into mine even more with soft sighs. My hands take on a life of their own and start to move along her, softly stroking her arched back while my body wakes up too. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to wake up with her in my arms. The way we're moving with and against each other feels like it's something we've done a million times before this day.
"Hmmm," Kat sighs, her head tilting slightly and her lips brush against my jaw.
"Mornin'," I rasp out and let my lips brush over her skin as well, coming dangerously close to her lips when she moves her head to the side.
It's close enough that I just brush against the side but it's enough to send a jolt of awareness through my body. By her gasp I can tell she felt something too only when she does, she freezes. Her body is broadcasting a tension of some kind and that has me pulling back to take a look at her. I blink the sleep out of my eyes so I can focus on her and I see that her eyes are wide open and trained on my mouth. She's not even aware I'm looking at her right now, she's that absorbed in whatever she's thinking about. I see her mouth turn down in a frown and that same damn sadness and hurt cross her eyes before she shakes her head. Like she's trying to shake it off.
Whatever it is, whatever she's thinking or feeling isn't good and the worry I felt at what could have her like this is growing inside me. It feels like there is some kind of...veil or barrier...between us that's never been there before. It's something hanging over us but I don't know if that's my own shit that I'm projecting in the situation or not. So once again I don't ask what's wrong. I stop myself because I know if I do go there I'm going to have to tell her about the things that have been going on with me too. About what I did.
"Morning. Did my alarm go off? I didn't even hear it." She's smiling when she says this with a hint of a blush on her cheeks.
Her eyes are clear of whatever she had been caught up in and she hasn't pulled even tried to pull away from me, leading me to think maybe I'm making more out of things than they really are. Maybe it's her still feeling hurt or worried about how I reacted when I found out she was in pain?
I smile back at her and pull her a little tighter against me and chuckle a little when she burrows in even closer. "No, yours didn't but mine did. I set it earlier than normal." She pulls back enough to look up at me questioningly when I hesitate in continuing on. I feel a sudden rush of nerves for what I'm about to suggest next. "I figured it might be nice to watch the sunrise and have a cup of coffee up here?"
Kat blinks a few times at first. Maybe in surprise at my suggestion. Then a slow smile spreads across her face and she nods. "I would like that. Thank you, Eric."
It's totally fucking worth it to feel like a complete sap just to see that smile of pleasure on her face. Every time I see it feels like the first time and every time it drives a bit more of the darkness I've been living in away.
I sit up, and before she can move away, I have her in my lap again laughing at me after gasping in surprise for a second. I ignore the discomfort I'm feeling in a very specific area and adjust so that she hopefully won't notice my morning condition then I toss the blanket back over us. Once that's settled I pull the bag that has everything I packed so that I can get the thermos and metal cups out. Kat holds the cups while I pour out our coffee. It's not piping hot but the thermos did a good job keeping it pretty warm for us.
We drink our coffee quietly for a few minutes. Well, I drink mine quietly and try not to laugh every time she lets out a little hum of approval into her cup she's draining at a rapid pace until it's gone and she turns pleading eyes on me to refill her cup. I chuckle and drain my cup and then refill them both.
"Mmmm," She sighs after taking a few more sips of her second cup. "I feel like it's been weeks since I last had a cup of coffee."
I can't help rolling my eyes at this even while laughing. "Yeah, that one day of no coffee must have just been fucking torture."
She looks up at me with a scowl on her lips and narrows her eyes, glaring at me with no real heat behind it. "It was three days if you count the ones I was unconscious and four if you count the one that I wasn't allowed to get any after being so rudely woken in my dorm. I would like to see how you would function without your daily dose of caffeine."
"Nah. You wouldn't want the blood on your hands that might result in." I laugh and shake my head.
"Exactly!" She exclaims with a smirk. "You need your caffeine to prevent homicidal sprees," she pauses dramatically and I snort a laugh into my cup of coffee, "And I need mine to prevent mass outbreaks of sarcasm and sass."
"I like your sarcasm and sass so you might have just given me the incentive to withhold more often."
Her glare is back while I smirk at her. After a few seconds of this, she huffs. "Shh. I'm trying to watch the sunrise."
She turns her head out towards the view, but not before I see her eyes sparkle and a smile curling her lips up slightly. She lays her head back against my chest and relaxes into me. I press my lips against the top of her head and breathe her in before I go back to drinking my coffee. We sit like that in comfortable silence for a few minutes, watching as the sun's first rays start to burst from behind the mountains in the distance.
"Have you ever been camping, Eric?" She asks me softly after lowering her cup.
I frown in thought and shake my head. "No, not really. I did a bit of survival training where I was placed in an area for a certain amount of time with limited supplies and had to make my way back home."
"Was that part of leadership training or something?" Kat asks after tilting her head to the side and back so she's looking at me now.
"Or something." I shrug, not planning to elaborate that it was actually part of the training Jeanine ordered before I ever transferred to Dauntless. Something in my expression must tell her that's all she's going to get because she doesn't press for more. Curious to what brought this up I turn the question back on her. "Have you ever done the camping thing?"
"Yeah, but I was only able to manage it twice and not for very long, just a day or two." She replies with a mischievous smile.
"Hmmm," I hum and around a sip of coffee then swallow and prompt for more information. "How did you manage even that much time?"
"For the last two years, because I had already finished school, I spent most of my days doing whatever faction duties I was assigned. But I got to choose what I wanted to do a few times. I picked going to Amity to help out there when they were preparing for winter. It was mainly getting their herbal medicine stores and medical centers stocked. You know, rolling bandages and filling their little medicinal tea bags. When I went it always for multiple days. I stayed and worked for a few days then was able to go with a few kids I knew from Amity when they were doing jobs gathering and hunting."
"Hunting?" I ask, surprised even though I remember her quite clearly mentioning bows and arrows that first breakfast we shared together. "So that's where you learned how to shoot a bow."
"Yeah, that was when I learned how and a few other things as well. I guess it was similar to survival skills. They taught me to fish, build a campfire, how to make a shelter if I don't have something like a tent...just basic things like that."
"Sounds like you had fun with it if you went back again."
She shrugs a little. "Yeah, it was fun learning all that. But my favorite part of those camping trips wasn't anything like that. It was actually the mornings. I would wake up well before the others more out of habit than anything. Other than getting the fire going and making myself some tea there wasn't anything for me to do but watch the sunrise. I've seen countless sunrises before when I would head to whatever thing I was supposed to be doing that day. But there was something different about those mornings, the quiet and calmness that became what I looked forward to the most. This feels like it did then too."
She lets her head rest back on my chest and goes back to sipping her coffee while we look out at the horizon with me feeling pleased with her words. To be honest, the only reason I thought of doing this at all was that she mentioned it and I was desperate for some excuse to be able to spend time with her. I couldn't have given a shit less about a sunrise or sunset before. It's always been just a measure of time for me. Signifying one more shitty day beginning or another shitty day ends. But I get what she means when she says it was different for her because right now it's different for me too.
"Hey," My arm is wrapped around her waist with one of hers on top of it. I turn my hand to capture her smaller one until are fingers are threaded together and I squeeze gently to get her attention. "Maybe...maybe we could go do that at some point? I mean after initiation and you get settled into whatever job you're offered."
"You mean teach you how to fish or shoot a bow and arrow?" She's looking up at me now, smiling and holding in a laugh.
"Like it would be all that hard," I smirk back at her.
"Sure. This I would have to see." She doesn't bother holding in the laugh as she answers.
"It's a date then." I grin and wink at her, making her blush a little.
She's still looking up at me smiling. Her face is so close to mine and the longer we stay looking at each other the closer I get like I'm being drawn in. But then her smile falters and that same hurt is back before she turns away completely and lifts her cup back up. I know I decided that I would wait for her to tell me about whatever is upsetting her but that resolve is wearing thin quickly and I don't know how much longer I can keep myself from demanding to know.
Clearing my throat I drain my cup and change the subject. "So what are you thinking as far as a job?"
She follows my example of draining her cup. I take it from her and busy myself packing everything but the blanket back in the bag. She goes to move from my lap at first but I still have my arm around her waist and I tighten it to let her know I'm not letting her go.
"I...ummm...well to be honest, I was hoping something in leadership. Maybe even an ambassador or liaison if any of those positions are offered."
"I could see you doing well in leadership. What faction would you want to be assigned to if you were offered an ambassador position?"
"Honestly, I think I would prefer Erudite." She says with a shrug meanwhile I'm trying to contain the instant panic I feel at the scenario. Because fuck if I'm letting her anywhere near Erudite much less having to work with Jeanine!
"Really? I guess I would have thought you might want to represent for Abnegation." I keep my tone even, almost flat so that I don't let on I'm trying with all my might to redirect her.
She looks up at me, shaking her head with a slight scowl on her face. "I left there for a reason, Eric."
I nod slowly at first, my mind is working fast to try and come up with a way to put Erudite out of her mind.
"Trust me, I get it. From things you've said before, I know that you're like me when it comes to how I felt about my old faction. When it came time, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be working with them either. But it was because I knew how they worked and thought that I knew I could help create a better relationship between Dauntless and them."
Kat sighs heavily and her shoulders slump slightly. "Eric…." She pauses and turns more in my lap so she is facing me more. "You know I trust you and I know that you mean well with your suggestion. But trust me when I say that me being anywhere near certain Abnegation leaders for any real amount of time would be the worst possible thing for a good relationship between them and Dauntless."
I frown heavily, feeling a bit confused. I know she doesn't mean her father. Her leaving the faction might have been a strain on them but I think when or if they come on visiting day it should clear that up. At least that's what I hope it will do. I'm pretty sure that Andrew would actually love to have Kat working with them just for the fact that he would get to have a relationship with his daughter after my conversation with him.
It takes a bit but finally, it registers for me who she could be talking about and I feel like a fucking idiot for not recognizing it earlier. How could I miss all the hints she's dropped about her hate of Marcus Eaton. From the first time she mentioned him when she was telling us about that incident with the factionless to other little things she's said since then her loathing of the Abnegation leader has always been clear. But what hits me the hardest was a memory that got buried in a tangle of other feelings from that day in my bathroom when I tended to her the first time.
Those scars on her back. I dismissed them as things she got from fucking training but they were way too similar to ones I've seen on someone else before. Tobias Eaton aka Four.
My body trembles with the rage I'm feeling and the blood in my veins goes hot. I feel her moving and go to stop her but realize it isn't necessary. She wasn't trying to get up and away from me. In fact, she's even closer now because she turned fully to face me, straddling me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I let my forehead meet hers and take a few deep calming breaths.
"I trust you…" I finally respond in a soft strained tone, "But I swear to everything holy if he…"
"He made my life difficult for sure and I can't stand him but that's in the past. I would rather not have to deal with him individually again thought."
She interrupts me and starts to gently rub the back of my neck. Trying to soothe and calm me. I let her think it's working but inside I'm seething. She's telling the truth, of course, in that way she has of telling the truth but not saying everything. I nod jerkily and smile tightly at her then pull her back so that our foreheads are resting against each other again.
Anger, like I haven't felt since my parents' murders, is boiling inside of me right now. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with all this information and what I suspect. But if it turns out to be anything like I am thinking it is I know someone is going to pay. Maybe the whole fucking faction for letting it happen in the first place.
"Eric, talk to me please." She pleads with me shakily, her words full of worry.
I guess she knows me well enough to guess some of what I'm thinking and is worried about what I might do. I pull her in closer, wrapping my arms around her until she's completely engulfed and pressed against me. Then I bury my face in the crook of her neck and shake my head before answering.
"I just need you to know...you can tell me anything, Kat. I know it might take time before we...both of us...are able to tell each other things...but I want you to know I'll always listen."
I feel her nodding and she lets out a shaky breath. "I know I can, Eric. I will."
Sighing, I just hold her like that for as long as I know we can get away with before we'll need to head down and meet Chase and Zach for coffee. I know they are going to be just as anxious about the fight and who's she going matched against today. But for right now, these last few minutes before we have to go back to the roles of instructor and initiate, I want to forget all of that and lose myself in her.