Chapter 39 - What's It Gonna Be

Kat

"I just need you to know...you can tell me anything, Kat. I know it might take time before we...both of us...are able to tell each other things...but I want you to know I'll always listen." Eric rumbles out from where he has his face buried in the crook of my neck.

I could barely make out what he's saying. Mainly because I'm so distracted by the way he's holding me right now. It's like he's holding me as if his life depends on it, on me, and it's leaving me breathless. Enough that it probably takes me way too long to respond to him but I finally do.

I nod and let out a shaky breath. "I know I can, Eric. I will."

And I will, at least, I'll tell him as much as I can and as long as it doesn't endanger anyone I care about. I don't want to lie to him but I've known from that first time I talked about things from my past that I was treading on dangerous territory. From Eric's reaction alone to finding out I got shot I've known that if he ever found out more about my past and the things I've been hiding it could possibly turn him against the entire faction. He's already inclined to hate them and this would just add more to that. I can't allow that to happen because the blame doesn't really lay with an entire faction. Just one man way too much power and the power he has is the result of the way the entire faction system is set up.

Which is just way too much and too heavy for me to have even really tried to think about when I've been in survival mode for the last seven years. So I just buried it all deep down and didn't allow myself to really think about what was happening to me and it's all been coming to the surface lately. You would think that would be what I'm most concerned about right now, especially when it felt like Eric had been moments from storming Abnegation and laying waste to it.

But it's not. Not even by a long shot.

All I can think about is being in Eric's arms like I am right now and how much more I want. All I'm wondering is how something I wanted so badly just yesterday is now something I am also equally terrified of?

Three times this morning alone it feels like we've come very close to kissing and there is still a very large part of me that wants that. But it's like a war is being waged inside of me, my desire versus my fears, and the part that is winning right now is the fear.

I'm scared that I don't know what Eric really wants from me, what he expects. I mean, he was just with someone earlier but...he's here on this roof with me right now and I have no idea what that means to him. I'm now well aware of the concept of 'hooking up' casually, so is that what he did with her? Is that what would happen with me? Am I really enough to hold his interest for anything beyond that?

All these doubts, insecurities and hurt are clouding things for me and it's hard to work through them when I can't get answers to the questions I have unless I actually talk to him about it. Which is something I just don't think I can do despite Chase telling me that I should do. He also told me that I shouldn't hold this against him and I realize that, in a way, I have been. There is still so much hurt inside me and I don't know how to let it go.

That's not fair to either me or him.

I start to try and disentangle myself from him by loosening my arms from around his neck and pulling back but Eric pulls me tighter against him and literally growls into my neck.

"Not yet," He mumbles, making me shiver as his lips brush against the skin there.

I squeeze my eyes closed tightly when I feel his brushing lips against me turn to a more firm and intentional press of his lips. And he doesn't stop with just one as he starts to work his way higher, drawing a panting moan from me and my fingers curl into his neck where it feels like I'm hanging on for dear life because lord help me, I arched my neck to give him even more access. Eric groans my name, moves his hands up to my hair and fists both hands through it, wrapping it up in a grip that is both gentle and firm until my head is tilted back even more and his kisses along my skin turn even hungrier as he makes his way up to my jaw. I know that if I'm going to stop this it needs to be now.

If his lips meet mine I will never want him to stop. Honestly, I don't want him to stop but I need him too.

The moment and silence of the morning are broken by the shrill alarm of both our watches going off in tandem, causing me to jump in surprise and for Eric to growl out a few curses.

"Fuckin', of course, that would happen right now."

He pulls away enough to first shut his alarm off then reaches for mine to stop it. When there is nothing but silence between us again he reaches up and cups the side of my face holding my eyes with his own. The air feels thick with the tension of the moment and the heat of his hand feels like a brand against my cheek, marking me as his. If I'm being honest with myself, I have been no matter how much I've tried to deny that fact because of how wrong it could go if I admitted it.

It's just that...between seeing him with that girl...and right now with him...I don't think things can go much more wrong than how confused I'm feeling. I know when he said I could talk to him about anything he was meaning it more about Marcus and Abnegation but this just seems much more important to me right now.

"Eric…" I breathe his name out softly and swallow thickly at what I'm about to do. "I went to find you in the Pit last night."

His reaction to my confession is immediate. He tenses up, his forehead wrinkles in the way I know it does when he's worried about something. Most importantly, his eyes flash with guilt and my stomach drops. I realize that I was secretly hoping what I saw was wrong and I feel so stupid for that... and for everything really.

I slam my eyes shut and wish I could shut down my emotions as easily.

"Kat, I…" His voice is strained and even a bit angry, but I can't bring myself to look at him.

I shake my head and back away from him, trying to scramble off his lap. "It's okay." I gasp out and try to hold back a sob that wants to break free, failing completely. "You...I mean...we're friends right? Nothing else...so…" I struggle with the words as hard as I'm struggling to get off his lap but neither thing is working out for me.

One I can't do because my brain and mouth aren't linking up correctly and the other because Eric isn't letting me go and is much stronger than my, admittedly feeble, attempts to move. That doesn't mean I'm just going to stop either though.

"Goddammit, stop that and look at me, Kat." Eric barks out, his tone harsh but the hand that moved back to my face to turn it towards him is gentle as he strokes his thumb over my cheek.

I open my eyes and hot tears flood them then spill out as soon as I do.

"Fuck…" Eric mutters as soon as he sees them.

"You don't need to say anything, Eric. I understand and I know it's none of my business anyway…"

"Stop, Kat." He silences me by roughly moving his thumb to cover my lips. "Just...fuck...just stop. You're fucking killing me here." He pauses and takes a deep breath before he shakes his head looking away before he looks back at me and huffs a little. "It's killing me knowing I did that to you. But you have to know...I mean...you do realize that you were the one I wanted, right?"

"What?" I manage to ask him, unsure I understood what he said or what he means.

He moves the hand that he let drop from my mouth so I could answer him and runs it through his disheveled hair in frustration. "You don't know? How could you not know?"

I know by the fact that he's muttering this under his breath he's talking more to himself than to me but there is something about his words that ignite something in me. I guess deep down I was a bit angry at him. Maybe the hurt I felt was so much bigger than the anger or I denied that anger because I didn't feel I had a right to it. Either way...his words make whatever was holding it back dissolve and now I feel it big time.

"How could I not know, Eric? Maybe, because this is all new to me." I snap out, and his eyes widen at my tone. "Or maybe it's because one minute you look like you want to kiss me and the next you look like your disgusted by me or the thought of being with me like that. You tell me how I'm supposed to know what the hell you want from me because I clearly don't know how any of this works. So explain it to the poor, inexperienced little stiff. Why? If you wanted me..."

By the end, I can't even fight the tears anymore. I'm crying because I'm hurt and I'm crying because I'm that mad right now too.

If he wanted me so damn much why was he with someone else!

"Shit...please, don't cry...Kat." I've stopped struggling to get away from him and now he has both of his hands framing my face and is futilely using his thumbs to wipe the tears away just to have more replace them. I didn't feel weak for crying last night but right now I do, so I work hard to stop the tears. "I was not prepared to have this conversation right now."

I nod my head a little, remembering what Chase had said. That Eric had his reasons for not talking to me before now, so I tell him that. "I know. Chase said you had a reason for not talking to me."

"When did he tell you that?" Eric asks, scowling slightly.

"Right after I saw you and...her…" I manage to get out between sniffles. "He saw me leaving the Pit and wanted to make sure I was okay."

"And just what the hell else did he tell you?" He's angry for some reason I don't understand but I answer him anyway, unable to keep my own aggravation out of it and I snap it out.

"He told me that the two of us needed to talk and to try and not hold it against you. And like I said earlier… he told me you have some kind of reason but that only you could tell me."

He winces slightly at my snippy tone but then nods and lets out a breath. "He's right I did. I do. I promised myself that I wouldn't let anything happen during initiation, that I would wait until after for anything between us. But I also just can't seem to stay away from you either. From the day you landed on the roof all I've wanted was you, Kat. To be with you. I couldn't come out and tell you that but...I wanted to...I tried to...to let you know in the ways that I could...that I know...Jesus, I even fucked that up, didn't I? And now after last night…"

His voice cracks a little and he doesn't so much trail off as he just...shuts down.

Eric's head drops and his body slumps back against the wall. He's completely released any hold he has on me to keep me where I am. Like he's completely given up after those broken raw admissions.

That startles me enough that I can feel my anger fading a bit. It's not gone completely but it's nowhere near as hot as it was. And the hurt I felt...that's still there...but it's not as intense, which is allowing me to think and feel other things.

I'm able to remember how Chase told me something I didn't really understand at the time. That it was possible for someone to be with another person physically and for it to not be meaningful. I knew he was talking about Eric but I couldn't see how that would be possible for anyone to be with someone sexually and not feel something because it's not something I could see myself doing.

Then I think back to what Eric just said…

He let me know in the ways that he could...in the ways he knows how to...and it hits me hard what those ways have been. All those moments that I thought he might kiss me or want me...those are nothing in comparison to the other ways he's let me know since we've met. From that first breakfast where he opened his home to me all the way to last night and doing something that was probably completely out of his comfort zone, but he did it because he knew it would be something I liked.

"Eric…look at me." I softly call his name. He doesn't respond or lift his head so I reach out and mimic what he had been doing and use my hands on either side of his face.

"If you want to tell me you never want a fucking thing to do with me again then just do it, Kat. I won't stop you. I'll walk away. Believe me, you'll be better for it. God knows I'm the last man you need. I'm not good enough for you by fucking half." He mutters all this out, still not looking at me, in a heavy and dark tone. Then he pauses before he looks up and pins me with his blue eyes. "Just know, it won't stop me from still wanting you or wanting to protect you. Nothing will stop that."

His eyes are a mixture of emotions that he's clearly letting me see and not trying to mask. He's showing me the absolute truth of his last words but then there's the absolute certainty in them that I am going to do exactly that...that I'm going to walk away from him.

I was about to say something to Eric, wasn't I? There were words I was going to say but for the life of me, I can't think of a damn one. All I know is that Eric is hurting right now, just as much as I am. All I can think about right now is that we are both on new territory here and he's just as scared of it as I am, and he's letting me see that part of him right now.

Once again he's letting me know how he feels with his actions, not words. So I decided I need to do the same.

I lean forward, watching as his eyes widen slightly just before my lips meet his. Then a floodgate opens and sweeps us both away. His hands go back into my hair, fisting, and curling in it as his mouth dominates mine.

There is no gentleness to the kiss. It's hungry and raw. Just as raw as the feelings that have been shared here...and I love it.

I crave it, the way he nips at my bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth before claiming the rest. I moan at the way he flicked his tongue out against the seam of my lips and caused them to open up wider for him. I whimper for more when he plunges his tongue into my mouth and felt the hum of pleasure burst from my chest when he groans after his tongue curls against mine.

This kiss. This magnificent kiss. My first real kiss, that stretches on beyond any measure of time and isn't even stopped in our need for air, is only broken when my hands start to wander.

Eric gives a pained groan into my mouth and then catches my hands in his but he doesn't pull away from the kiss right away. Instead, he guides it to a slower and more gentle one before we pull back and he presses his forehead to mine while I'm panting and gasping.

"Jesus, I don't want to fucking stop." He mumbles.

"Sounds good to me," I pant and nod, working one hand free from his grasp and trying to pull his head back in for another kiss.

He allows it, but it's a brief kiss compared to our first before he groans and pulls away again. His groan turns into a chuckle as he looks at the scowl on my face.

"I knew it would be like this and you have no fucking clue how much I want to keep going, kitten." His nostrils are flared widely and he's breathing slightly harder. He reaches up and strokes the side of my face, biting on his bottom lip, before he sighs heavily. "I need you to listen to me, Kat. All the reasons I had for holding back still exist, they haven't gone away. But...it's so fucking clear to me that I've been causing us...you...pain by trying to limit this to us just being friends and that's….that's just unacceptable to me."

I swallow and try to breathe steadily again, trying to switch gears again and process what he's saying. Which is much harder than it should be with hormones raging in me that have been released for the first time in my life.

When I've gotten the gist of what he's saying I nod slowly. "Okay ...so what does that mean for us?"

"It means that we have to set rules...or boundaries...at least until after initiation is over. To start out...there won't be any other women. I know it doesn't help to say that I only…"

"I don't want to know." I cry out, shaking my head violently from side to side with my eyes slammed shut again so I could hopefully drive out the images that are already assaulting me.

Eric grabs my chin and turns my head until I know I'll be looking at him if I open my eyes again. Which I don't want to do until he ordered me to sternly.

"I'm not about to go into details with you but you need to know certain things. I don't want any doubts about this, what they meant and what you mean. I need you to know anything I might have done in the past means nothing and don't think for a second that I meant anything to them either. I meant nothing to them just as much as they meant nothing to me. They were a physical need met for me and for them I was something they got to mark on their scoreboard or to brag about to their friends. That they got to be with a leader. They were and never could be you or what I want with you. Can you understand that, angel?"

I nod a little, not able to answer as tears sting my eyes and I try to hide them from Eric. Which doesn't work at all and now he's scowling at me. "Why are you about to cry then?" He grits out, sounding about as confused as I'm feeling right now. I didn't know it was possible to cry from being so damn happy about something.

"Because...I didn't think there was any way you could want me over girls like her." I answered him honestly, voicing my insecurity and deciding to let him see that part of me like he's been letting me see parts of himself.

His scowl deepens for a second before he huffs, pulls me forward and kissed my forehead then sighs against it. "One day I'm going to drive the rest of that Abnegation out of you, but until then, just know that I think you're beautiful. I meant it when I first said it and I mean it even more now."

He pulls back, frowning and wipes the few tears that escaped before he pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me. After a few minutes of him just holding me, I decided to ask a question that's starting to nag me.

"So ...are we ...dating?" I timidly ask.

His chest rumbles with a quiet chuckle against mine and he squeezes me a little before answering.

"I don't know what the label for it is exactly, all I know is you're mine and I'm yours. Saying we're just dating doesn't seem right, but I guess I do consider some of the things we've done together as dates. Or just my really messed up version of it." He grumbles that last admission, causing me to laugh.

"Is it messed up that I think some things were dates too?"

"No. It's a fucking relief, kitten. At least I know you're not expecting flowers or candy or...fuck, I don't even know what else. Just, know that's likely to never happen with me, Kat. Last night is probably about as sappy as I get."

I'm smiling widely by the time he finishes and I pull back then shrug. "That's fine with me. I'll take training in the mornings, coffee on rooftops and that promised zip-lining trip over flowers and candy any day."

His answering smile is blinding and makes my heart flip over while he gently caresses the side of my face. "Kat…" His smile falters into a small frown and while he doesn't move his hand from the side of my face, his entire demeanor has turned serious again. "I don't want to hide this...hide us...but until initiation is over, we have to. Chase and Zach do know and will know, of course, and I'm guessing Lynn knows something is up too. As long as she can keep quiet you can tell her about this new development. But anyone else and it puts you too much at risk. Being with me will put a target on your back, Kat. Not just for physical harassment but also for shit to be said about you and I will not let that happen."

I scowl when I remember all the things I heard being muttered about Eric yesterday in the dining hall and the Pit. "I don't give a damn about what might be said about me."

"Well, I fucking do, Kat!" He snaps out then takes a breath and calms down. "I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. You deserve better than that."

"You deserve better too, Eric." I declare firmly.

He shakes his head and waves away my words. "No, I don't. Besides you don't know…"

"Eric, do you really think I don't know all about your reputation? Haven't I told you before that I tried to learn everything I could about those that would have my fate in their hands when I transferred? So yeah, I've heard things from my friends here and those among the factionless. Besides, do you really think that I could have any kind of friendship with Four and have not heard the countless implications or insinuations he's made over the years?" He tensed up, only slightly at first, but when I mentioned Four that slight tensing became a tiny tremble that let me know Eric was about to get worked up and probably go take that out on Four by the gleam in his eyes. So I reached out and put a hand on his chest. "And before you go off trying to find him think about this...where am I right now? Who am I with regardless of anything that might be said about you? Who had my attention from the moment I saw him in a way that no one ever has and never will? And definitely not Four. I'm not here in spite of everything I've heard about you, Eric. True or not...it's part of you and I accept that." He relaxes again, yanking me back against him and folding me into his arms while nuzzling and nipping at my neck.

"You know, I've always felt like a second choice when compared to him. It's felt like no matter what I do, what I give...it's never been enough for the faction. No matter how much I bleed for them...I'll never be as good as the Legendary Four, and yet...he'll never know what it takes to do what I have to do."

I swallow and close my eyes, nodding. "Four will never step up enough to know. It's easier to be judgemental and blind when he stands so far back."

Eric huffs against my skin in laughter before pulling back and looking at me. "Jesus, could this morning be any more surreal? Outside of Chase and Zach, I think you're the only one that sees that about him."

I shrug and smile sadly, preparing to be completely honest and lay everything out right now. "I see him for who he is, good and bad." I pause and take a breath, which has him eyeing me warily. "I need you to know that, while I might not like him very much right now, he was once my first, best and only friend. Despite all the issues and hurt between us that may never go away, I've always hoped we could be friends again like we were before. I don't know if that is possible but...I needed to be truthful and say that if it is, then I have to try for that."

I watch him carefully as he processes this, and I see that he is not liking this new information at all. I can also tell he's trying to hold in whatever he wants to say about it. I watch as he opens his mouth a little to say something then snaps it closed, growls and then yanks me towards him again so that he can kiss me.

This time it's not hungry, but it's just as raw in the possessive nature of the kiss. I know exactly what Eric is doing as it turns slightly bruising. He's claiming me, showing me who I belong to in a very primitive and caveman-like manner. Something my body is fully in agreement with as my back arches up and my head fell back with a loud moan escaping me when Eric moves to kiss my neck in some of the most wonderful places.

His phone buzzing is what breaks the kiss this time with me panting and laughing at the same time while he grumbles and curses. He checks it with a sigh then proceeds to have a very quick message conversation with whoever is contacting him.

"We have to go, kitten. As much as I want to say fuck it to training today, we can't." He pronounces when I groan slightly. "Besides Chase is threatening to send Tris after us if we don't get down there for coffee," Eric grumbles the last part, stuffing his phone into an inside pocket of his jacket instead of the bag it was in.

"Why would he threaten to send Tris after us?" I ask, laughingly. Not that I don't totally think my sister is a challenge because she can be and I know she will be when all this comes out. But that's because I know my sister so well...I'm not sure why Chase would use her as a threat though.

Eric sighs and rolls his eyes. "Apparently, hell hath no fury like the Prior women. Your sister stormed the leader's offices no less than two times demanding to be taken to you or you brought to her when you were out of it. Then just before you showed up in the dining hall she once again confronted us demanding the same thing."

I slap my hand over my mouth, partly horrified but mostly amused, and shake my head desperately trying to keep in my laughter as the entire scene played out in my mind. I could imagine it very clearly too. It's really rare, but when Tris gets fired up and actually lets that side of her loose, she is a sight to behold.

"Oh no." I finally manage to exclaim as I realize that couldn't have gone over well at all. "And she's still…."

"Alive to tell the tale?" Eric finishes for me with a smirk before he leans in and places a brief kiss to my forehead. "Maybe we were just impressed with the balls she showed. Or maybe I'm just going soft."

I bite my lip and wiggle in his lap, blushing at my boldness and the fact that I can definitely feel his reaction to that movement. "Nope," I gasp out, flushing hotly, "I don't think that's a problem you have. I definitely don't feel any softness here." I try to go for a seductive tone as I sass back at him but it mostly just comes out shy and breathy.

Eric's nostrils flare as he inhales and he whips his hands down to my hips to lock me in place and to stop me from moving. "You are going to make this very hard, aren't you?"

"God, I hope so...and often."

His words have me smirking as I chirp a comeback even as what he said hits him and he groans. "Fuck me," letting his head drop forward a little.

I should let it go. I really should. But he's just making it too easy for me here. I go to open mouth, ready to let loose another comeback but his head pops up and he covers my mouth with his hand, shaking his head and trying not to laugh.

"Not another fucking word. I realize that I'm just walking into them here but you could stop at any time. Now...are you going to be a good girl?"

I'm fighting laughter as a response to that comes into my head but I decide to quit while I'm ahead and nod into his hand instead. He lets his hand drop and sighs heavily.

"Let's go before I lose any more control…" then he mutters under his breath "...or dignity."

I help him pack everything that hasn't been packed up back into his bag, still flushed from the combination of laughter and desire I'm feeling. He shoulders the bag and takes my hand then leads me to the door. After we're through the door he pulls me against his side, just the way he did as we made our way here last night. When he did it the first time I figured he was doing it because most of the hallways we had to travel we very dark, if not completely black. Now I know better and I don't try and limit our contact like I did then.

We are in one of the hallways that are so dark and with so little light available that I can't see much of anything when he pulls up short and stops us. I'm about to ask him what's wrong when I find myself pressed against a wall and he's kissing me.

Of course, I respond instantly, and probably a bit more enthusiastically than he was expecting since I try to climb him. Eric groans, drops the bag to the ground, and grabs my thighs, helping me wrap them around his waist and hold me in place.

I don't know if it's the dark of the hallway that is preventing me from seeing clearly, the new sensitivity from my nerve endings or the fact that this is a completely new experience for me, but everything about his body against mine and our kiss feels extremely heightened to me. My body is vibrating with need in a way that's almost becoming painful and I press even closer to him, hoping to find some relief. The way he's holding me against him, how hard his body against mine, makes me want to explore everything about him. It makes me want to run my hands all over him, to claim him and wipe away any traces that anyone else has ever touched what is mine. At this moment I completely get how he was feeling earlier when he tried to do the same thing to me.

I unwind one of my arms from where I had it wrapped around his neck and work it down between us, unsure what I'm doing but just following some instinct that is guiding my hand. I get a teasing second of bare skin where that hand managed to work it's way under his shirt and made contact with his stomach before he grabs my hand with a very guttural groan tearing from his chest and then pins both of my hands to the wall and above my head.

I didn't think it was possible for him to get any closer or anything on him to be any harder...but I'm wrong on both accounts, much to my extreme pleasure. With my legs wrapped around him, and him using the wall to help hold me in place, it seems I'm in the perfect position to feel every hard inch of him through his pants and pressing into me. He pulses his hips forward and swallows the jagged moan that tears from me in another kiss. Sparks are nothing compared to the flames that he's igniting and driving me wild with. When he starts to pull away from the kiss, I capture his bottom lip between my teeth and nip at it slightly before I release.

"Fuck," Eric growls out harshly in response to my unexpected action then slams his pelvis forward and into me before he freezes and holds us there. Pinning me with his body while his hands still have mine pinned above my head. "Goddammit, I have to fucking get it together here." He mutters softly into the dark. "Do you see what you do to me, kitten?" He husks out then shifts so he rubs himself into me. "Do you fucking feel what you do to me? Without even trying...just by...being fucking you, Kat. This...this is all you. For you and only you. So the next time you doubt it, doubt us...remember this."

"Eric," I moan his name, unable to stop my hips from rocking forward and making him rub against me again. Trying to relieve the throbbing in my core but it only makes it worse.

"Shit, you can't do that right now. I'm barely hanging on, kitten." He groans, letting his hold of my hands go so he can move his own to grip my hips tightly. He doesn't make a move to push me away though. In fact, he brings me in even closer, rocking against me again and I swear I feel his dick pulsing against my core now.

My head falls back as I moan and I reach out to grab him, trying to steady myself as I curl my fingers into his shoulders where I've latched on. "Oh god, Eric ...is it..is it supposed to feel like this?"

My strangled, even pained words have him freezing and he feathers a soft kiss on my cheek. "Feel like what? Am I hurting you, kitten?" His words are a worried rush.

I lick my lips and hurriedly shake my head even as I speak up to reassure him. "No. At least, it isn't a bad kind of pain. It's just...like I'm aching for something but I don't know what or what to do to stop it." I internally cringe at the whine in my voice.

Eric relaxes at my words with a deep throaty chuckle then brushes his lips and nose against my neck before placing a gentle kiss and moving away. "I think this is what you're supposed to feel when you find the right person, angel. Believe me, this is new for me too."

My forehead furrows in frustration that I let out in a sigh. "Well, is there anything...I mean can't we do something to make it better?"

"Fuckin' hope so, kitten. Not right now...but soon…" He growls out against my skin before he nips my earlobe between his teeth. "We're going to need to talk about those boundaries though."

He pulls away and slowly loosens his hold on me, letting me slide down his body until my feet are touching the solid ground again, leaving me whimpering and muttering about how it's not fair, being left like that. He chuckles again and brushes a kiss on the cheek before he steps away. I hear rustling and can barely make out his big outline as he's shifting uncomfortably.

Then I hear him muttering under his breath…"Well, that ain't fucking going anywhere anytime soon dammit. Fuck it, we have to go."

I smile widely into the dark, not even trying to fight how smug I'm feeling when I guess what he's talking about. It only seems fair that if I'm feeling all hot and bothered and achy as hell that he has something going on for him too. I guess it isn't exactly fair that his predicament is much more noticeable than mine but the state of my nipples isn't exactly discreet either.

"I can feel your damn smile in the dark, Kat." He huffs, moving to shoulder the bag he dropped and then grabs my hand again.

"I have no clue what you're talking about." My chipper tone completely contradicting the words. That and the fact that I'm still smiling.

He only laughs again then pulls me against his side, squeezing me a little before he sighs and goes silent as we start walking. Even though he hasn't pulled away from me, and even seems to be holding me a bit closer to him, I can feel the atmosphere changing around us in the dark. I know he's shifting into his role again as we get closer to the rest of Dauntless.

And I freaking hate it.

I want to slam him against the wall, rub myself against him and get all of what we just had going on back. The darkness starts to lighten up but it feels colder and colder as he starts to physically pull away from me too. Before we get to the final hallways my hand in his are the only things touching.

"Remember what I said...but know if we take this day by day we can do it, Angel."

"Okay, Eric." I sigh out, trying to prepare myself but I still feel a pang when he squeezed my hand before letting it drop.

The light of the hallway we come out of seems blinding in comparison to the ones we just left and it has me blinking, feeling disoriented but glad Eric is leading the way.

His back is ramrod straight and his head is held high. I can't see his face from where I am, just a very slight distance behind him as I try to pull myself together, but I can imagine it. I'm sure it's back to the normal cold and emotionless expression he normally sports and I'm scowling just imagining it. I get the reason for this act between us, I have from the very first, but it doesn't mean I don't hate it.

I didn't show it when I was talking to him about this, but it does worry me. The target being with him will make me. It just doesn't exactly worry me for my sake, but more those around me that I care for, which I knew wouldn't go over well with Eric if I admitted that to him. I also worry about how those people I care about will react when they find out.

I'm pretty certain how my three Dauntless-born friends will react. Lynn has all but said that she thinks he and I were already together as far as she was concerned. From what Lynn said, Marlene will most likely accept it and probably feel like she was in some way responsible for it because she 'predicted it'. Uriah is a bit harder to say how he will react. He's definitely protective of me but he also has a very strange obsession with Eric and trying to make friends with him, so who knows there.

It's really my sister and Four that are the most worrying for me.

Is keeping up this act, keeping secrets from friends and family, making myself a target...worth it just to be with Eric Coulter? Will this just be one more thing I have to overcome in rebuilding my relationship with Tris? Will this be the thing that will drive both of them away from me completely?

A tiny voice that exists in the darkness I carry inside me has been whispering to me from the beginning. Constantly voicing doubts if this is worth it. Asking if Eric is really worth it. I don't know what my answer would have been last night, in the middle of all my hurt and confusion but I know what it is now.

All I have to do is remember, let the memories rush over me, and I'm reminded of why this is worth it. Why he is worth everything.

Memories of how alive I felt the first time he held my hand. Memories of how every time we've talked about my past or my feelings I've felt like he's really listening and that trust is in safe hands...that he understands those parts of myself I'm revealing. And this newest memory, of Eric baring what felt like his soul to me and leaving that in my hands…

I know there's going to be shit for my choice but it's one I make gladly.

I'm beside Eric now as we walk into the dining hall. My back is a little straighter and with a bit more fire in my eyes than there probably should be, but I don't care. I'll play along with the act out here, but the second we don't need to...the second we're behind closed doors again...Eric better be prepared. Because I don't think I can stop myself.