"Looks like Butt-face McBallnums and Ass-braham Lincoln signed up for auditions today," Artie announced, as he rolled into the auditorium Tuesday afternoon to greet Finn and Kurt, who'd already arrived and were waiting on him.

In about fifteen minutes, with any luck, people who had signed up on that list would start arriving to sing for him and do a cold read. In his lap were a bunch of printed scenes that he'd prepped by weaseling his way into the faculty lounge and using the copier. Certain teachers still let him come in there for coffee, which Artie chalked up to the fact that he dressed like some of them, or so he'd been told. Crazy Ms. Castle even helped him reach stuff on the copier.

"Of course they did," said Kurt, with an eye roll. "Wouldn't be a good show without them, would it? Didn't your big Artie Party Number Three this weekend get us any more recruits?"

"Yup!" Of this next thing, Artie was proud. (Who cared that the jock who traditionally wrote these same fake names on the Glee sign up sheet every year still hadn't graduated?)

"Who?" Finn asked, curiously, as they followed him to the entrance of the middle row where Kurt had already gotten settled, the sweet spot in the audience. And then Finn added, glancing at Artie, "Want a lift?"

"Sure," said Artie, who would rather take care of that now, privately, lest anyone come along who might again compare him to a wooden puppet.

"So, who added their names after your party?" Kurt asked again, after Finn had helped Artie into a seat and he, Kurt, had stowed Artie's chair safely in the back of the theatre for easy retrieval. He then sat back down on the other side of Artie, with Artie now sitting comfortably between he and his stepbrother.

"Well, Jake Puckerman, for one," Artie said, grinning ear to ear. He'd already texted the alumni, so they all knew about Puck's long-lost half brother. "He still just wrote 'Jake' on the sign up sheet. Let's see... and Ryder Lynn finally committed to at least audition and then think about it."

"Looks like you might have enough T-Birds afterall," Kurt commented, as he and Finn settled in on either side of Artie, behind the table in what Artie had dubbed the best seats of the house, in terms of acoustics and getting a feel for how the show would look to the audience.

"Any more girls though?" Finn asked.

"Yeah, one more..." Artie's mouth twisted into his characteristic half-smirk, as this was the more interesting development indeed. He'd been checking the list after almost every class or, if he didn't have time, texting Blaine, Sam, or Tina and asking them to check. At the very end of the day, one person had added her name, scratched it out, then added it again.

"Kitty Wilde."

He wondered if her indecisivenesses had anything to do with Lauren's spectacular moment with Bree at the party on Sunday night. Surely, she was going to get a lot of crap from the other Cheerio about doing this. And yet, she wanted to join them, she was interested, and that meant Artie had at least one girl who could dance and would look nice in a Pink Lady jacket. Rather than Patty Simcox the cheerleader, if she could sing at all, he started to think maybe she'd do a nice job as Marty. She was the Pink Lady who said that Sandy was too pure to be pink and sang a very fun solo at the sleepover in the stage production. But the real question was, would Kitty actually follow through with accepting a part and coming to rehearsals, if he gave her one?

On a related note, he wondered if she was just signing up to spy. He'd noticed her talking to Sue Sylvester. In fact, they hadn't announced head Cheerio yet, but word on the street was that Kitty was in the running for that. If she got it, she'd be the first sophomore head Cheerio since Quinn.

Artie didn't have long to ponder Kitty's motives, however, because auditions were about to start. As soon as Jacob Ben Israel – who was running sound for him – opened those doors, hopefully all of his 'Grease' hopefuls would come pouring in. However, when the doors swung open, only Tina, Blaine, Marley, Lauren, Joe, Sugar, and Wade had arrived on time.

"Sam texted me to say football practice is running a bit long," Tina reported, as she entered and took a seat in the front row, as JBI gestured to indicate where they should sit to wait for their turn. "And when I texted Brittany just now, she said the Cheerios are running behind, too." Tina paused and looked at her phone as it buzzed. "Oh, also, she wants me to remind her how to get from the gym to the auditorium."

"Why am I auditioning for you again?" Lauren wanted to know, before taking a seat. She stood as she addressed the three guys at the table. "I thought you told me you wanted me for Jan."

"I want you to audition for Jan," Artie clarified, giving her what he hoped was an amicable smile. "I need everyone who wants to play a part in our show to audition."

Lauren scowled at him, like she'd been tricked. After holding his gaze for a few seconds, she eventually shrugged and sat down, with Wade on her left side and Joe on her right.

"Right, well, thank you all for coming," Artie spoke louder, addressing the group as they turned to look at him. Standing up would have commanded their attention better, but since he could not, he settled for speaking in what he hoped was an authoritative tone. "I'm sure the others will be along as soon as they can. Let's go ahead and get started. Any volunteers to go first?"

"Blainey-days and I will!" said Tina, jumping to her feet. "As seniors, we're happy to take the lead," she added, being anything but subtle. And earlier that day, Artie had gotten a "Good Luck" card from Tina with a single boxed cupcake in his locker. He'd eaten the treat before he'd really stopped to consider the fact that she was trying to bribe him with baked goods.

Jacob Ben Israel cued up their music, and Tina and Blaine treated them to their rendition of 'Summer Nights.' They both had incredible voices and sang with expression and feeling. And since everyone knew this song, the others in the audience chimed in with the background parts. Blaine even looked the part of Danny. Tina, of course, did not look like the traditional Sandy, but that would never in a million years stop Artie from picking her, if she was the best one of the part. If he didn't pick her, he'd probably never hear the end of it, but he wasn't about to let a thing like six years of friendship and a cupcake get in the way of his professional objectivity.

"Thank you," Artie said, as Kurt rose from his seat and headed to the stage carrying two scripts. "All of our prospective leads are going to read the scene where Danny and Sandy get into an argument at the drive-in. I want to see if I believe you two as young lovers having their first big fight."

The cold read was where they didn't shine quite as brightly. It wasn't just because Blaine was gay. There was nothing wrong with the scene, exactly, Artie just didn't feel they had genuine chemistry. Of course, being who he was, Kurt gave Blaine and Tina a standing ovation when they finished reading. Artie gave him a sharp look that he hoped clearly said standing ovations were just for clearly standout performances, and not merely to applaud one's boyfriend for reading a few lines. Kurt seemed to get the message and quickly sat back down.

"Next!" Finn called out, as though reminding everyone he was still here and was a co-director, too.

Lauren wasn't shy about hopping up to follow that performance, but rather than bringing Joe up there with her, it was Wade who followed her onstage. Despite having complained about auditioning, she'd still partnered with Wade to prepare Artie's favorite song from the show, 'Mooning.' Unique had been a belter and Wade was no different. In Artie's mind, they were two different people. And he wondered if Wade wouldn't have rather been auditioning for a girl's part. Whatever the case, he was glad Wade partnered with Lauren for this. The two were instantly likable as Jan and her beau, Roger. There was no need for a cold read, since they'd started off the song by doing the short scene right before it. Lauren brought the comedy as she talked about "showing off your bare behind to people" and Wade-as-Roger's reactions were on point.

"That's what this show is all about," Artie couldn't resist saying, even though he typically tried to say very little to the hopefuls at auditions. "Danny and Sandy aren't the only interesting parts in this. The show is really an ensemble piece, so thank you, Jan and Roger, for showing us that."

He also typically didn't outright promise people specific roles before the list went up, but Lauren and Wade had earned that. Tina, however, shot him a look over her shoulder that clearly said she was pissed not to receive the same accolades after her performance with Blaine.

"I'm glad you said that," Joe Hart added, as he stood up. He was barefoot as usual. Those terrible dreadlocks were as distracting as ever as he took the stage with the guitar he'd brought along for his audition. He slightly made up for his appearance by performing a fun arrangement of the T-Bird named Doody's solo, 'Magic Changes,' doing the lines leading up to the song so that Artie again didn't really need to assign him a cold read. But they had him do one anyway, seeing as he needed to make sure he had chemistry with Frenchy.

That was the other part Artie had mentally cast in advance without seeing the audition. As she climbed onto the stage and stood by Joe, Artie appreciated the fact that Sugar looked just like the actress who played Frenchy. As an added bonus, Frenchy didn't have any solos, so Artie could give Sugar a fairly large part without having to sacrifice any of the songs.

Joe and Sugar were fine together, demonstrating good chemistry during their cold read, but ugh, those dreds were just so distracting and so unnecessary. They really took away from Joe's performance. But since Artie knew he couldn't ask Joe to completely change his physical appearance for the musical, he was going to have to tolerate it.

"Wait!" Sugar said, before Artie could dismiss she and Joe from the stage. "Don't I need to sing something, too? I prepared a song for today. Hit it, Jacob Ben Ishmael."

"Ben Israel," JBI was heard saying from the sound booth. "It's not that confusing."

Artie stopped himself from telling her he didn't need to hear her sing. Her father was probably going to be the reason they had enough money for leather jackets for the T-Birds and a classic car to borrow for 'Greased Lightning.' Wordlessly, he nodded, as Joe moved off to the side to give Sugar the stage.

"There are worse things I could do-ooo," Sugar's voice shook as she sang an off-key rendition of Rizzo's big solo. Truthfully, Artie didn't know yet who he wanted to cast for Rizzo, but it wouldn't be Sugar. As she moved into the bridge, she made her way down the steps and into the middle of the audience so that she was standing on the row in front of their table. "I could flirt with all the guuuuuys. Smile at them and bat my eeeeeeyes. Press against them when we dance. Make them think they stand a chance. Then refuse to see it through, that's a thing I'll never do."

She leaned on their table, shaking her shoulders suggestively and batting her eyes at Artie, making a creepy amount of eye contact as she sang this directly to him. When she finished her song, she clearly thought she'd nailed it, as the director's table gave her some polite applause.

"Wow, thank you, Sugar," Artie said. "That was really... something." He cleared his throat. "Uh, next?"

"Hey, sorry we're late!" Running in breathlessly were Ryder and Sam. "Coach Beiste made us do extra laps because someone called your musical gay," Ryder announced.

"Then she apologized for making us late to auditions," said Sam. "You have her support. Hey, can I go next?"

After a swig of water and taking a few deep breaths to collect himself, Sam was ready. He literally hopped up onstage and, in a perfect imitation of Kenickie from the movie, said. "Why this car is automatic! It's systematic! It's hydromatic! Why it's Greased Lightning!"

He pointed to JBI, who was ready to cue up the music without missing a beat. (It seemed like Sam had done the work of working this out ahead of time.) Sam had also choreographed his own moves, which had all the girls on their feet and dancing in the front row. He even did some jumping man-splits at the end.

"Now that's a standing ovation performance!" Artie exclaimed, putting his hands in the air. "It's the best I can do, but this is me giving you a standing ovation!"

Sam beamed, clearly very proud of his Kenickie audition that he'd no doubt been working on ever since that day in the car when Artie told Sam his idea. Now that Sam had put in the work, there was no doubt in Artie's mind that he'd be casting Sam in the role he wanted. But who to put as Rizzo, opposite Sam? As he watched Tina high five Sam on his way back to the front row, he got an idea.

"Hey, Sam, I still need you to read."

"Oh, right," Sam said, turning around and blushing. He'd paused in the middle of sitting back down and rose back to his full height. "What scene?"

"Kurt, give him the scene where he has the big fight with Rizzo," Artie said, already thoroughly enjoying bossing everyone around. "And... Tina. Can I hear you read this scene with Sam, please?"

"For Rizzo?" Tina turned and looked at him. She seemed conflicted, and Artie knew why. Sure, Rizzo was a great part, but she wasn't the lead. However reluctant, though, Tina rose to her feet and followed Sam back up on stage.

"Yeah," said Artie, pretending not to notice Tina's small protest. He handed one extra script to Finn. "There's one line from Danny in there. Finn will read that. So, at the end of this scene, Rizzo has to push Kenickie like she's trying to really fight him. I want to see that."

"But is this his audition or part of mine?" Again, Tina has the nerve to complain about reading for the second-largest female role, Artie thought, gritting his teeth. He didn't like to be disrespected as the director, especially when they hadn't even started rehearsals yet.

"Both," Artie said, coolly, as the two stood side by side and Kurt handed them their scripts. Sam glanced at it, then looked up with a grin, and said the first line without even reading it.

"Come off it, Rizzo!" said Sam-as-Kenickie. "Whattaya' tryin' to do, make us think she's like you?"

"What's that crack supposed to mean?" Tina-as-Rizzo stuck her nose in the air. "I ain't heard you complainin'."

"That's 'cause you've been stuck to my face all night!" Sam shot back.

"Hey, cool it, huh?" Finn jumped in, remembering his line as Danny, just as Artie pointed to it.

"Shut up Kenickie, or you're gonna get a knuckle sandwich!" (Artie was liking Tina as Rizzo. He never would have thought of it before, but seeing as they now hung out all the time, Tina and Sam had undeniable chemistry onstage.)

"Oh, I'm really worried, scab!" Sam exclaimed, getting in her face a little. He still hadn't looked at the script. Being that he wasn't a very fluent reader, it was a very good thing he had these lines committed to memory already. Sam knew how to compensate for dyslexia in the same way Artie knew how to compensate for his disability. It was admirable to witness.

Tina paused ever so slightly as she noticed the stage direction. "Okay, you creep!" She took a flying leap at Sam and succeeded in knocking him off-balance and causing him to drop the script.

"Yes!" Artie thrust his fists into the air. Another standing ovation moment for sure. He was getting tingles where it was only fifty-fifty for tingles. Kurt gave him a look that clearly said he was annoyed that Artie got onto him for doing the same thing earlier. Artie lowered his fists and adjusted his glasses. "Right, well, thank you, Sam and Tina."

"Next!" Finn continued to remind them all that he was still here. He had just finished making some notes on his little clipboard that were so messy that Artie didn't know how he could read his own writing.

At that moment, the doors to the auditorium flew open. Marley and Ryder had been standing up to go next, but everyone paused to notice Kitty and Jake entering at the back, running in and laughing as the beginning of their music played. It wasn't a song from 'Grease' at all, but then again, Artie never said it had to be.

"Hey baby, won't you look my way? I can be your new addiction," Jake sang, shooting a suggestive look at Kitty, who had of course come in her Cheerios uniform and was working that tiny pleated skirt to her advantage.

"Hey baby, what you gotta say? All you're giving me is fiction," Kitty sang, as she worked her hips in that skirt. Artie found himself mesmerized already. Kitty caught his eye as Jake chimed in, singing the next line of 'Everybody Talks.' He was the first to look away as he wrote something on his clipboard.

Kitty, he wrote, Great dancer. Sexy. Can't get an idea of what her voice is like from this song. Then, sparing a glance at her partner, he added, Jake. All-around great performance. Will he come to rehearsals?

When they finished, they received the loudest applause of anyone who had auditioned and, in fact, a standing ovation from everyone in the room. Artie again raised his hands in the air in praise, as they'd most definitely earned that with their spirited performance.

"Amazing job!" he said.

He then had Kurt hand-deliver the same Danny and Sandy scene that Tina and Blaine had read. Jake and Kitty gave a good read-through. Decent, but lacking chemistry. Jake wasn't the strongest actor, and Kitty was doing fine but couldn't exactly make up for his weakness there.

After Kitty and Jake, the final pair to audition was Ryder and Marley. Ryder borrowed Joe's guitar. Marley grabbed a couple of stools that were in the wings and sat atop one, as Ryder joined her and perched on the other. Ryder strummed a few opening chords, and it took Artie a moment, but he recognized the arrangement of the song shortly before Marley sang the first verse.

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken," she sang, swaying gently. "My eyes are not the first to cry. I'm not the first to know. There's just no getting over you. I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

Ryder joined in on the chorus, "But now..."

And where Ryder really stole the show was in his solo verse, verse two. "My head is saying... fool, forget her," he crooned. "My heart is saying, don't let go. Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do. I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

Ryder and Marley didn't lack chemistry, that much was clear. Once again, however, the guy in the pair really struggled through the cold read. He'd been given the same scene that had now been done twice, but still, Ryder stumbled on the lines and then actually broke character to look out at the audience and heave a defeated sigh.

"I'm dyslexic," he confessed, biting his lower lip and staring at his shoes. "It's super hard for me to read this off the page, but I promise, I can learn lines. I-I was in a play before," he said, casting an apologetic look over at Marley, his scene partner. "Uh, but it was in third grade. A health food play. Once I knew all my lines, I was fine!"

"Hey, I'm dyslexic, too, dude," Sam called from the front row. "It's totally fine."

"Totally fine," Artie agreed, as Ryder gave him a relieved look. "And you more than made up for it with that creative arrangement of 'Hopelessly Devoted.' Thank you to everyone, for your awesome auditions. You've all given my co-directors and I a lot to talk about," he went on, glancing to his right and left at Finn and Kurt. "I don't know if we'll need any callbacks. Stay tuned, I guess. We'll try to have something posted by tomorrow."

"Hey wait, where was Brittany?" Kurt suddenly asked, and Artie realized she hadn't shown up. He quickly pulled out his phone to text her and saw he'd missed a message from her.

Artie, I'm sorry, she had texted him, twenty minutes after the auditions had started. When Kitty left to go try out for Greece, Coach Sue said I could be the new head Cheerio if I didn't leave early. I can still be in Greece but I might need a small part.

It's OK, Britt, he texted her back. I will still have a part for you. I know how talented you are.

"Brittany's gonna be in the show," he announced to the group. "She just... uh... couldn't make it today." He made eye contact with Kitty who turned around just then. Kitty gave up head Cheerio just to come try out for the show, he thought, amazed. He had no idea she wanted to be part of it enough to sacrifice her status on the Cheerios.

Yes, I'm very talented, Brittany typed back to him. Britney Spears showed me that.