Chapter 44 - Lies In The Dark
Kat
I've learned a few things about myself and Eric tonight all in the short span of the time we've spent together in the privacy of his apartment.
Some of them are more important than others, while others aren't exactly epic revelations in the grand scheme of things. It's these last ones that seem to be all I'm able to concentrate on right now. I'm not sure how anyone in my position would be able to think of anything other than the man I'm currently straddling on his couch.
Eric apparently really , really liked it when I told him that if I could have him with me tonight, I would. It was an admission that came about mostly because of the entire conversation before that. How could I not want to tell Eric in some way that I need to protect him just as much as he does me? Seeing and hearing that from him seemed to deepen the feelings I already have and I hated having to lie to him to do this.
In my eyes, telling him the cover story Four told me was a lie by omission and I didn't know how I could make that better. I hoped that by firmly stating that I would be coming back to him it would take some of the sting away when I do make it back and he realizes what I really am up to.
That's something I will have to face later, I know, but right now all that's on my mind is finally touching Eric in a way I've only dreamed about so far. He's been too fast and determined to prevent me from doing this so far. So when I slide my hand down his stomach and work it under his shirt, I completely expect the same thing to happen. He groans into my mouth but doesn't break away from the kiss and he doesn't stop me either.
Thrilled at this progress, I decide to push just a bit further and see if he will actually go for it. I break away from the kiss with a gasp then reach my other hand down until I'm actually lifting his shirt up with the clear intention of trying to get it off of him and being thankful that he isn't wearing his customary vest or jacket too.
As it is, it's not going to happen without him cooperating so I eye him meaningfully and tug it pointedly before ordering him with a simple…"Off."
Eric smirks and raises an eyebrow at me. "You first, kitten." He taunts me, silkily and with a smug grin. He clearly doesn't expect me to do this and honestly, I don't think I can. I'm suddenly hit with nerves and insecurity. "It's okay. I was just teasing you, Kat." Eric must see some of those emotions playing over my face because he squeezes my hips and chuckles that out.
I start to frown but freeze after he releases my hips and reaches down for the bottom of his shirt. I look back up really quick to find his expression is now blank except for his eyes which are watching me closely with a hint of...wariness? Before I can ask about it, it's gone and he's quickly whipping his shirt off and my mind goes blank. After he whips it over his head, and my mind is functioning again, I think back to his teasing dare. Before I can question my decision I reach down for the edge of my shirt and pull it off as quickly as I can.
I barely got my shirt off before he reached for me again and crushed his lips to mine after cursing loudly.
"Goddamn. You're fuckin' killing me here, Kitten," He quickly followed those words with action. Crashing his lips to mine then holding me tight as he rocked forward to raise up from where we were still sitting on the couch with me straddling him on his lap. Eric didn't stand all the way up with me in his arms.
He positions us and until we are laying on the couch, with me on my back and Eric between my legs that are pressing against his hips. He's kneeling there and bent over at the waist pressing his upper body against mine while the kiss rages on. I feel the bare skin of his chest making contact with me. Even though I am still wearing my bra, the heat and texture of his skin making it feel more like a hindrance than the protection that made me feel brave enough to take my shirt off.
I don't know how long we stay there like that just kissing, but it feels like forever before I feel one of his hands moving from the side of my neck downward until it's lightly brushing my shoulder. I've been so caught up in the kiss that I didn't realize he hadn't moved to try and touch me in any other way other than his chest grazing against mine.
More importantly, I realize, I'm not touching him either and that's something I have to change right away. I'm so close to one of the fulfilling one of my fantasies that I can't turn back now.
The one and only time Eric has been without a shirt on around me was when I was too hungover, and frankly too damn frightened, to do anything other than focus on what I was doing at the time. Which was to hold my own in a very aggressive sparring session with him. So, I didn't have the time to really take in the mass of ink covering the pale skin on his left side. I barely had the time or presence of mind to register anything more than that he had tattoos there and they looked nothing like the ones on his neck and forearms and that the reason I hadn't seen any hint of them before now is that they are placed so that his shirts completely cover them.
I'm determined to take the time to look my fill now. I put the flat of my hands on his chest and pushed while wrenching my mouth from his and gasping his name. He pulls back immediately, almost jerks back, and curses while looking at me worriedly.
"Shit, Kat, I didn't mean too…" He's already pulling back enough that he's now on his knees on the couch. I scramble up to meet him enough that I can make sure he's not getting up completely.
"It's fine...I didn't want to stop...not really." I lick my lips, blushing hotly with my eyes glued to him once again and reaching out to gently put a hand back on his chest. "I just...wanted to do something…"
I trail off as I get a better look at the tattoo. I start to trace it and feel Eric holding still beneath my touch. I risk a glance up at him and see him watching me with tension in his eyes.
"Is this okay?" I pause when I ask this. I get the feeling that he doesn't really want me to look at them for some reason. Just when I think he's going to tell me it's not okay, he lets out a ragged sigh and nods.
"Yeah, it's fine. I'm just...they're not something I really show anyone." I can tell some of the tension he was feeling eases but it's still there. Letting me know this is more difficult for him than he's letting on.
I swallow and nod, then look back at where my hand still rests. "I understand, Eric."
His hand covers mine when I shift to lift it away and he presses it back to his chest. "I want you to see them."
The left side of Eric's upper body is covered in a collage of images all done in shades of black and grey. They don't quite go up all the way up and into the shoulder but cut off so that they can still be covered up by his everyday clothing. Some of those images are so faint you wouldn't be able to make out what they are unless you could look at them up close like I am now. It's an eclectic mix, or that's what it might appear to be at first glance. But I take everything in and remember what Tori said that first night I went to the tattoo parlor about her own tattoos and what the majority of people chose to put on their skin permanently, that they're usually something very personal. For Tori, she chose to put things like her fears or reminders of people she cared about that are gone now. The images aren't always an exact representation of what they mean but what's important, and what counts, is that the person knows what they are.
I took Tori's words to heart and so far everything I've gotten has had some kind of real meaning for me even the symbols behind my ears but especially the matching one Tris and I share.
I know by his reaction and his statement that no one has really seen them, that his are very personal too. Whatever the story or meaning they hold I don't easily understand by the images themselves.
The Vitruvian Man, a famous work of art by an artist and inventor named Leonardo di Vinci, was the first one to catch my eye. The inked human anatomy is contained within a perfect geometrical form of a circle, then the body has been drawn to be with the arms and legs widespread alongside the regular standing position, almost like trying to show the range of motion of the appendages.
The next thing to really catch my eye is a serpentine looking dragon, partially coiled with it's fierce maw open and the body poised as if it is about to consume itself starting from the tail. There are so many other striking images that make me feel things in how they are drawn and mesh with the other images. Like a pocket watch with its face cracked and the hands stilled just before striking midnight and date in roman numerals below that.
The thing that really takes my breath away is the utter lack of any ink in a specific area. Over his left pectoral muscle, just over where a person's heart is, there is absolutely no ink. Just a void of unblemished pale skin but the ink that borders that negative space shapes it into the image of an anatomical heart.
I don't need to have Eric explain the significance of this part to me and I can feel tears burning behind my eyes as fiercely as the need inside of me to prove him wrong, and that he isn't heartless. Without thought, I've moved into action and lean forward until I'm brushing my lips against his hot skin.
"Kat," Eric groans and reaches for me, guiding my head back until our lips meet again. It doesn't take much guidance from him to have laying on the couch with him pressing even closer than he was before. He pulls away from the kiss and looks down at me with just as much hunger in his eyes that have to be in mine.
"My turn now, kitten." He gruffly murmurs.
If I was confused by what he meant I didn't have to stay that way for long. It became clear he was hell-bent doing some exploring of his...using his mouth along with his hands.
~~Worth Fighting For~~
I stare at my reflection in the mirror of Eric's hallway bathroom while I hurriedly try to put myself back together from the intense make-out session that was interrupted first by Eric's phone and then the arrival of Zach shortly after that. At least I had my shirt back on by the time he knocked. Eric was just pulling his back on and I felt my face bloom red when Zach just grinned and shook his head.
"Time to go, princess," He soberly informed me with worry in his eyes before he looked over at Eric when he tensed up. "Four was asking after you but Lynn told him you and I went to my office. He'll figure out soon enough we aren't there."
"Okay…" I replied with a nod and tugged my shirt down when I noticed it was a bit twisted. Then I had the thought that I probably looked pretty disheveled and I might want to get that taken care of before meeting with Four. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom really quick."
Thankfully my hair held up and I'm not wearing any makeup to have been messed up, so once I have my clothes sorted I'm ready to go. Eric is waiting for me with my jacket when I open the door and after helping me put it on, he grips my face in both of his hands and stares into my eyes intently.
"Remember your promise, Kat. You come back to me," He commands me, then kisses me fiercely for a heated second before releasing me and stepping back.
"I will, Eric," I breathe out shakily. I walk towards Zach, who's waiting at the door and have to stop myself from running back to Eric when I look at him over my shoulder to see such raw distress in his eyes as he watches me go.
Zach puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, ushering me quickly out of the door before either Eric or I can act on the desire to go back to each other. Once we are out in the hallway and the door to his apartment is closed I take a pause and take a deep breath then nod my head firmly to Zach's question asking if I'm okay.
Although he's pretty sure Four would have already gone to his office to retrieve me, Zach still takes me on a pathway that will have us come out near an archive room he frequents that Four wouldn't have thought to check-in. From there we will make our way to the Pit so it will look like we had been there the entire time. Zach even stops at that archive room, shows me around and what he's currently working on, before we leave and casually stroll on to the Pit.
Four must have been watching like a hawk because he swoops down on me before we've even fully gotten into the Pit.
"You're late. We need to go." His tone suggests he's clearly annoyed.
I look at my watch and see I'm late by two minutes and can't help rolling my eyes before remembering that certain things do have to be coordinated for what we are doing tonight.
"I'm ready," I reply to Four then turn and smile reassuringly with a wave goodbye to Zach.
"See you soon," Zach replies verbally back to me but he's giving Four a look that can't be mistaken as anything other than a warning to him that he better take care of me. To my surprise, Four actually gives him a brief and respectful nod back, even if his lips are also thinned in displeasure.
The knot of worry and apprehension I was able to forget for a short time while I was with Eric is back and heavier than ever. I know that one, if not all three of them, will be on the lookout for my return tonight. That's unavoidable. I am hoping like hell Zach's words weren't also a hint that they would be following us.
~~Worth Fighting For~~
I guess Four worried we would be followed as well, because I can tell he's tense as he takes me through the compound, looking this way and that and making us backtrack before we finally go to the exit he picked for tonight. All while warning me to be quiet but otherwise not saying much else.
It isn't until we've made it to the tracks and are standing beside them waiting for the train that he finally speaks up.
"Where were you tonight?" He demands angrily.
"Zach took me to the archive room. I'm interested in what he does for the faction and asked him for more information about it. He showed me the current report he's been working on for Max about the prison system and told me about how it all works. He explained how he's the go-between for our faction and Candor on the actual running of the prison system."
He sighs heavily, shaking his head and looking at me with barely held in disapproval. "You do know who he's friends with, don't you? Why can't you just stick to the other initiates? It's bad enough you barely spend any time with the other transfers but getting close to Chase and Zach is just asking for even more trouble than you keep finding yourself in."
My lips thin and my nails cut into my skin, I have them bunched into fists so tightly while I fight to keep my calm. "Do. No. Start, Four. You can't dictate to me who I become friends with or how I spend my time outside of training, even as my instructor. Not even having once been friends gives you that right. You don't see me trying to give you crap for your relationships and how you spend your time. Even when it involved someone very close to me and you never bothered to let either of us know about each other."
I'm glaring at him, watching for his reaction to my words. The sun is setting but there's still enough light to clearly make out his complexion paling a little as he grimaces and sighs again. "I wondered if you knew." He mutters without any emotion other than weariness, which just pisses me off.
I scowl heavily at him, contemplating murder for a split second. "Are you freaking serious right now? That's all you have to say? She's my fucking sister, Tobias. Of course, I was going to know something was going on with her. Despite your constant implications that I've abandoned my sister, all I've ever done was try to protect and look out for her. What did you think was going to happen when our mutual friends told me about her always being seen with the same Dauntless guy that helped her when she had a brush-up with the factionless? I wasn't surprised that it was you, Tobias. I was even fucking thankful for the fact that you were helping to keep her safe. What I can't understand and what hurts the most is not only you keeping it a secret from me but that just when we were starting to rebuild our friendship you pulled back even more. Dismissing me once again like it was nothing to you. Why would you do that?"
"I don't know." He shakes his head, brows furrowed in frustration. "I was still pretty freaking confused about everything between us and...I didn't want you to think I was betraying you in some way. I wasn't sure what was going one with her either or what I wanted to happen...so I thought I would wait until I got all that figured out." He stops and looks at me and looks wary about whatever he's going to say next. "She doesn't know, Kat."
"Obviously she doesn't know about our friendship, Tobias. That's the whole freaking point of the conversation." I grit out and roll my eyes.
"No...I mean...she doesn't even know that I'm...where I'm from."
My eyes widened and I couldn't stop the shriek of rage coming from me even if I wanted to. Which, I really do not want to even try. "Two fucking years, Tobias! You've had two fucking years, to be honest with her and you don't think this is going to end badly when she finds out!"
I don't realize how in his face I am or that I'm poking him in the chest until he puts a hand on my shoulder and tries to gently push me back, wincing as he does so.
"You don't know how hard this is for me. I…."
"Oh my freaking Jesus, Tobias. You can't pull that card with me because I had a first-hand seat for how hard it was for you. This isn't about me or even you, this is about my sister who you've been romantically involved with for the last couple of years and you have been lying to her about yourself even if it was by omission. You don't think I have a right to be pissed, as her sister, knowing what that's going to do to her when you do finally tell her? You don't think I have a right to be upset knowing that when it all comes out this is going to come between us? You might not be meaning to, you might have good intentions, but once again your good intentions are hurting me and my family."
"Then why didn't you just tell her, Kat? You knew it was me so you could have mentioned it to her at some point. That makes you just as much at fault for keeping it from her as me." He angrily hurls at me with a scowl.
I stared at him incredulously, tears forming in my eyes. "You're right, it's my fault for having any kind of faith that you actually wanted to restore our friendship. I guess I stupidly thought that you would care enough about me still that you wouldn't put me into the position that I would have to do that. " Tears fall and I see the guilt and remorse in his eyes as he reaches for me. I shove him away from me and shake my head angrily as I scrub my hands over my eyes. "They weren't my secrets to tell, Four. They have to come from you. That was the main reason. The other was that Tris has been happy with you and I wanted that for her. I wanted you to be happy too and I didn't want some mistaken doubts or insecurities to ruin that. I know my sister enough to know what she would have thought….what she will think...when she hears who you are and what we were to each other. We both know that it was never like that...but now...after keeping so much from her...how am I ever going to be able to get her to believe that?"
Whatever he was going to say about that, if he even had anything to say in response, will have to wait because the train makes its impending arrival known.
~~Worth Fighting For~~
We have to wait for a specific car to jump onto. That's the arrangement. Be on the train at this specific time, the third car from the end and wait for our guides to get on. Then they will take us to where we are to meet with the de facto leader, who is waiting for our arrival and is probably anxious for my status report back.
Only Four knows when they are due to join us, or even who it will be, but since I don't want to speak to him anymore I'm fine just waiting to see for myself when they do. And when the two men jump into the car I can't help the huge smile that breaks out on my face as I recognize the older one.
He greets me with a wide crooked smile, flashing teeth that are surprisingly white and straight considering his usual living conditions. But it's his trademark and I would be lying if I said I didn't love that he always seemed to find ways to maintain it. I've missed that smile and him dearly. The smile slowly starts to fade as he makes his way over to me, looking me over critically and assessing my injuries.
He looks over at Four who shakes his head with thinned lips, communicating his own disapproval of how I've fared training so far. Then he looks back at me, sighing heavily before shrugging and flashing me that crooked grin again. "The fighting portion is done, at least. From here on there might be some sparring...but it won't be anything like that was, yeah?"
I nod emphatically in agreement but Four just has to butt into the conversation I'm having with my mentor. "It would be, but Kat has punishments every morning until the end of training. So I expect this look to continue for her."
"With who and for what are you being punished?" He demands from me in a commanding voice, disappointment dripping from every word. All traces of a smile are gone as he stares me down. This is the man that even Four respects and defers to.
Before I can answer for myself, Four does it once again. "Eric, of course. Who else is sadistic enough to do that to her? As for why she got the punishments...where do I even begin? First, it was because she hurt herself messing with knives and he caught her. Then it was because she got drunk one night after her first fight. During which she was majorly hurt, by the way. I gave her one myself for insubordination but he took over that punishment as well until I was forced to go to Max about it."
I roll my eyes then glare at him as Amar, my mentor, and friend looks livid. " Eric did this to you?"
"No!" I yell.
"Yes!" Four counters back at the exact same time as I yelled my objection. Then he had the decency to finally get off his high horse and muttered. "Well, some of it."
"I can answer for myself, thank you very much, Four," I growl at him then turn to face Amar. "No. Eric didn't do all this to me and whatever bumps and bruises I have gotten from him wouldn't have happened if I didn't give him any openings to get through and blocked his hits. So, yes I am serving punishments with Eric but I am also learning from them, Amar."
The russet skinned man tilts his head and remains silent while he studies both of us for a few minutes. He smirks and breaks the silence with a simple. "Interesting." Then his face takes on that same commanding one from before as he looks me dead in the eyes again. "You're learning from it, which is good, but the fact that you got drunk and pulled stupid stunts is disappointing. I warned you what it would be like during initiation and that wouldn't be tolerated. I don't want to hear about something like this happening again."
His command and disappointment thrum through me and has me lowering my eyes with a nod. "Yes, Amar."
He reaches out and puts a hand on my head, brushing it down before he cups my chin and raises my head back up. "I'm proud of you for having the courage to go through with this and follow your heart and I want to hear more about your training so far, but our stop is coming up so we need to jump."
I nod and follow behind him as he quickly makes his way to the door and jumps, with me just seconds behind him. Four and the other person with Amar quickly follow as well. He and Evan hang back while Amar and I walk together for a bit. I can hear them talking lowly but not what it's about. I don't really know Evan all that well, he's about Four's age but I've only met him a few times before now. He's nice enough but he's closer to Four than he is with me.
Four calls my name out and I slow down. Evan moves forward to meet up with Amar and those two walk on, while he pulls me to hang back slightly with him. "Kat...I don't know what I can say to make it right with you...and maybe I have no right to ask this...but can you please give me the time to talk to her myself? You have to believe me that I do want to make it right and I am sorry...I know this makes things harder for you. It's just, you're right and it really needs to come from me."
I look at him long and hard before I slowly nod, but I slap my hand on his chest when he grins at me and starts to walk away. "I'm giving you until a week after initiation to tell her about our friendship. Don't do it before then if you can avoid it. The only reason I am saying this is because I don't want her losing focus and suffering from being unhappy like I know this is going to make her. But I will not waiver on the demand that you tell her who you are right away, Tobias. That can't wait until after initiation."
He nods just as Amar turns back and looks at the two of us and how angrily I am staring Four down. "You two okay?"
He watches with a raised eyebrow as Four nods and slinks away from me and I shake my head watching him go. When I get even with Amar I just shrug. "It's just business as usual for me and Tobias."
He chuckles at that then hooks an arm around my shoulder, propelling me forward. "Come on half-pint. We need to get you in with her before she sends the bloodhounds out for me for taking too long. She's been worried sick about you and fretting if you've been taking care of yourself there."
He doesn't wait for me to do more than smile at him before he bends down and scoops me up, throwing me over his shoulder playfully then lopping off with me at a run.
"Her ribs and back are hurt, Amar." I hear Four barking out loudly and my head pops up to scowl at him but I'm too late.
"You should have said something, Kat," Amar grunts then puts me down on my feet and takes my hand to pull me along.
I look over my shoulder at Four and flip him off angrily. "I don't understand why he can't relax and get the stick out of his ass." I think, and mutter without meaning to.
"We handle the demons of our pasts in different ways, half-pint," Amar replies, looking down at me with soulful eyes. "Some of the ways we learn to cope with things is by how we are raised or just the environment we are raised in. You and I were lucky. You had your parents, they might have been Abnegation but they nurtured you much more than is normal for that faction. And me...well, my grandparents might have had guardianship of me but really...there were quite a few Dauntless women and men who took up the parenting roles for me. We both know what his home was like."
"Yeah, I know," I sigh guiltily.
I know he didn't mean anything by the reminder. Amar isn't like that. He wouldn't try and purposely make me feel bad just to make me feel bad, but he also didn't pull punches with the truth either.
The former Dauntless instructor could be stern and hard, he was also larger than life and embraced it with a vigor that I hadn't ever encountered before I met him years ago. Amar is right that my parents have had a lot of influence on how I am able to handle things in my life but what he may not know is that he has as well.
He's the reason I made the decision not to let my past consume me so fully that I forget to live in the present and to enjoy life where I can. I also think that my relationship with him is why I've been able to understand and even connect with Eric, Chase, and Zach, more than a person new to Dauntless should. Most of the transfers, heck even some of the Dauntless-born, are intimidated or put off by their normal demeanor or how intense they can be. That's something that all have seem to have in common with my older friend and mentor.
I contemplate all this as we walk and for the first time, I realize that we're in the Candor sector albeit well away from the heavily populated part of that faction. I knew this group of factionless has had to move further out to get away from the ones that are bound and determined to make their lives hell but hadn't realized they were having to go this far out. Like being factionless isn't hell enough without having to worry about constant attacks or sabotage of the supplies they do manage to gather for themselves.
We have taken several winding paths and through several tunnels before backtracking through a few more to get to where this group has set up a base for the coming winter. We enter and travel through what might have been a series of underground access tunnels, basements, and housing units for electrical or plumbing for the places above ground. They are mostly gutted out but whether that was done before the wars and our city was established, or after that by the first factionless groups, I'm not sure. It's cold here but I can tell they have tried to clean and repair as much as they can to make it livable and safe. It's still not a comfortable way to live.
Our final path is a tunnel that leads back up until we come to a set of stairs that lead to a small building. All along the pathways, there have been lanterns and lights setup that looks similar to the ones Amity uses. They don't produce enough light to completely illuminate everything with their flickering flames in the glass and metal frames, but it is enough to make them safer for travel.
Amar stops at a door just down the hall from the stairs and raps on it then opens it right after. He ushers me in first where I am greeted by the smiling middle-aged woman with shoulder-length curly black hair. She has the same spare upper lip and olive skin that her son has, although her complexion is paler than his, almost sickly and makes her look fragile. It doesn't take away from her beautiful and angular features though. The only thing that mars that is the thick, wide scar that runs from just below her right ear to halfway across her throat. To me the scar is a testament to how strong she really is to have survived the attack that caused it for her, I know it's a constant reminder of everything she's suffered and all she lost.
The room would be dark since most of the light provided looks to come from the two narrow windows in the room, but there is a barrel of a crackling fire that provides both heat and light for the room. It's by this light that I can clearly see her smile slip the closer I get to her and her dark blue eyes narrow while she looks me over, her lips thinning in the exact manner of her son.
She sighs softly and holds her out her arms, opening them widely and beckons me to her. "Oh, my sweet, Katie girl. Look at what they've done to you."
I don't complain or raise hell about her using that name for me, even if it still reminds me of a time long ago and the little girl I used to be. She's the only one that really insists on using it and I don't mind it coming from her. I smile softly and step into her embrace. "I promise I'm okay, Evelyn. They look worse than they really are."
She sighs into my hair then shakes her head and clucks in disagreement, she pulls away enough to look at me longer. The scrutinizing, contemplative look makes me want to squirm and I feel relieved when her lips finally tilt back into a soft smile. "You look like you are happy there, despite being a bit battered. I definitely see that you are looking much more like the you you've been forced to keep inside."
I grin and nod. "I am happy there. I know it's upsetting to see me like this...but it's just part of the process. Besides," I smirk at her "You should see the other guy."
This does get a laugh from her as she releases me and then turns to greet Four, who followed behind me into the room while Amar gave the three of us some privacy.
"Tobias," She smiles at him warmly and he returns the smile with the same warmth but he doesn't move closer than a few steps away from us and I can tell not being able to embrace causes them both pain.
Evelyn still has issues with contact or even being close to men and Tobias has always been very careful about making every effort to make sure his mother doesn't suffer anymore.
"Well, you two have a seat and we can catch up. It's been relatively busy for us. We are still getting things set up for our winter stay here this year." She informs me of this while leading me over to a threadbare but still serviceable sofa. I sit beside her on that while Tobias takes a seat opposite us on an old metal chair that has a folded blanket on top of the seat for padding.
I nod, frowning and looking around, evaluating what I know will be her living quarters. "It should be a good enough place. At least it looks in better condition than last year's place. I'm sorry I won't be able to…"
She scoffs and waves away my words before I can even finish them. "Do not even try and apologize for that, Katie. You've always helped out how and where you could and you are still doing that now. It's just going to be in a different way." She pats my hand and smiles at me. "I don't want to talk about that right now. What I want to hear all about is initiation and how you and your sister are doing. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that you would have each other there, although I've still worried about how you two were handling things."
She asks this while she knowingly casts eyes between me and Tobias. I know the unspoken question is also how the two of us have been handling things between us as well as the addition of my sister. She's probably also wondering if I finally confronted him like she had been urging me to do for a while now. I know she's been doing the same with him.
"You must cut those old wounds open and let them bleed freely before they can truly heal, Katie girl."
She's probably right but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet.
"Tris and I are doing really good in initiation so far. The rankings haven't come out yet but I think we will be safe from cuts in this stage. She won four of her seven fights and two of those wins were against people that I'm sure will be considered above her skill level. I'm not sure what mine will be. There were a few that…"
"She won all her fights, Mother. She's tried to downplay things and not take credit for them, but a win is a win and she's done well." He went from being Tobias to Four and interrupted me again. I can tell by the set of his shoulders and the way he's looking at me he's in full 'Four' mode. "Maybe a little too well," He mutters with narrowed eyes glaring at me.
"Well thanks for that vote of confidence," I shot back at him with a sickly sweet tone and smile then turned back to Evelyn. "I guess I have a hard time counting a couple of the fights because of my opponents. One of them was against a guy that I've seen put down an opponent with one punch, he's just that big. But I swear, Evelyn, this same guy had to be faking that I knocked him out with my last punch. He just gave up. How can I count that as a win?"
She smiles in amusement at me and shrugs. "You can't control what he chose to do during the fight, love. It only matters how you felt you performed during it. Did you give up as well or were you fighting to win?"
"To win, of course," I reply, frowning and a tad upset she even had to ask. Then I see her knowing smile and I sigh. "It still feels unfair. Especially my other fight. The girl I faced didn't give up but still, she hasn't won a single one of her fights." I can't help thinking of Myra and Edward right now and what I know is probably going to happen. "She isn't going to make the cut." I look down at my hands and whisper this with burning eyes.
I hear a sigh and don't need to look to know it's coming from Tobias and the tears burn even more when I don't hear him trying to disagree with me. I feel Evelyn's hand covering mine and taking it in her grip as she reaches out and lifts my chin until I'm looking at her.
"I knew that when cuts were announced that something would need to be arranged. I wanted to be prepared in case anything happened. Not that I doubt you and your sister will do everything you can to make it, you understand. I talked with Amar and a few of the others and they have agreed to be available on the day the cuts are made to try and head off anyone we think might be able to fit in here before the other group can claim them. Tobias has told me there are some of them that would not be good to have here among us, but if you think this girl would like it here then I can have Amar and Evan look out for her and bring her to me."
I nod emphatically and feel relieved. "Oh yes. She wouldn't...Evelyn, she would never make it with them."
"Then Tobias will make the arrangements when the time comes." She nods, lips thinned and looks over at him and gets a nod of agreement from him.
I throw myself into her arms and hug her tight, the tears in my eyes more from relief now than anything. I pull away smiling as I wipe a few of them that escaped and look at Tobias, muttering my thanks to him too.
"Tobias mentioned that you were wanting to see me and ask some questions?"
"Has he told you about the attack on the Dauntless group during our capture game this year?" I ask, my voice taut with the anger memories of the night bring.
Her eyes snap over to him as she frowns heavily. "He did not. What happened?"
I know that Tobias didn't tell his mother because he didn't want her to worry about me and she would have if she knew I had gotten hurt. Honestly, if I didn't need to find answers so badly I wouldn't be bringing this up at all.
Evelyn Johnson, formally Evelyn Eaton, has suffered the worst kind of trauma and it's left her state of mind and emotions extremely fragile. She is much better than she was years ago but there are times when something will set her off and she regresses. I'm hoping this won't be one of those times and I can tell her son does too as he prepares to answer her.
"Ten men dressed in Dauntless gear converged on a smaller group participating in the game and opened fire. Only they weren't using real bullets or even just the neuro stim darts that we use for the game. They were using something like them but different in addition to the regular ones. Our Kat here decided to be a hero and threw herself in front of two of the people in her group to keep them from getting hit. One of them is who I strongly suspect was the real target of the attack."
"Katie...you were hit? Who were you protecting that would have been the target?" Evelyn reaches out for my hand desperately and I prepare myself for her reaction to my answer.
"I was hit, Evelyn, but I'm fine now. I was on Eric's team and when the attack happened he and a boy from Candor named Peter were part of the group I was in. I protected my teammates and faction." I firmly state with my chin raised, my posture daring Four to say something about that.
"Wait...you said they were using modified darts? What kind, Tobias?" Her eyes are wide with fear and she's now gripping my hand in a death grip.
"The clinic couldn't give me a name but they did say they thought it affected the nervous system."
I swear, I think I hear her heart stop when she hears that. She's still gripping my hand tightly but she isn't letting anything else show on her face. She just nods and then looks between the two of us before she turns to him. "Tobias, would you be a dear and go find Evan. I'm feeling the need for some of the tea he picked up from Amity for me earlier today."
He hesitates for a second before the knowledge that the tea helps her with her anxiety and panic attacks sets him into motion. He moves to get up and out of the room quickly. She watches him go in silence, smiling thankfully at him, but as soon as the door is closed behind him and we hear his steps leading away from the room the smile is gone and she turns back to me.
"Mary Katherine, it is imperative that you answer me honestly and do not try to spare me from worrying. Where were you hit and how many of the modified darts were you hit by?"
I frown at the urgency in her tone and feel a bit of fear at what could be causing her to react the way she is, but I do as she asks and answer her honestly. "I was hit in the back and leg by a combination of the regular darts and the modified ones. It was the regular ones that struck my back while two of the modified darts hit my leg."
"Two? You were hit by two of them?" She asks me incredulously before looking away and worriedly chewing on her lip. "What have you been told about the darts, Katie?"
"I was told they attack the nervous system and that it causes severe pain. That some of the after-effects I'm suffering might be permanent. It will take a few weeks for me to know because it can take a while for it to work it's way out of my system completely. Apparently, because the darts only hit my leg and weren't even in that deep or there for long I wasn't as bad off as I could have been. It really hurt though. I blacked out and they had to keep me sedated because the pain was so bad, and you know how I am about that kind of stuff so it had to be bad for me not to be upset."
I shiver at the memory of the time before I blacked out and the soul tearing pain I experienced.
She nods and releases a breath. "Now, the next question I have for you I need you to answer just as honestly, your life may depend on it. What were your aptitude results?"
Time seems to stand still and her question seems to echo around the room. "Dauntless," I answer quickly, reflexively, and thankfully...truthfully.
"Dauntless...and what others?" She replies just as quickly, her knowing tone telling me that she believes I did get Dauntless but knows there's more to the story.
"You can't tell anyone, not even family."
"But...you just said you don't even know if I really am divergent. If I am, surely that would be something that runs in my family, like a genetic trait or something. Wouldn't they be the ones who could help me understand and figure out if I really am or not?"
"I don't know if it runs in families for sure. I'm not divergent...but...I had a family member that was. The operative word being was...because as soon as it was even suspected they disappeared. They told me about their test and what happened and just knowing about it put me in danger. That was the reason I left Erudite. The test was able to log you as Dauntless on its own so you have an advantage my cousin didn't have. You can do what you want but if I were you I wouldn't tell anyone, not even your family, if only just to protect them."
The words of the frantic and terrified Candor woman who performed my test are burned into my mind and never far from my thoughts. They weighed on me heavily the day I walked out of the testing room and that night as my family gathered I had desperately wanted to talk to them about it. But I hadn't, only because I wanted to protect them, not because I didn't trust them. Finally being able to talk to someone I view as my family feels too good to pass up while at the same time I'm afraid.
"Evelyn," I close my eyes tightly for a second then take a fortifying breath and open them back up to look at her. "My test really did log me as just Dauntless but not before something odd happened. The woman doing my testing, a Candor, didn't really explain what caused it but she said the program was acting funny. That the system couldn't keep up but that the most frequent result for me was Dauntless so it just went with that. Before the end of the test, she realized what was going on so she did something to the terminal so that it would look like that was the reason for the malfunction."
"The system logging you as Dauntless instead of the result being manually entered would have been a good thing, it could have lowered your chances of detection. But with Eric involved…" She trails off and looks at my frown before continuing. "Does he know that you were hit by the modified darts too or does he think it was just the regular darts?"
"He knows about them. Eric was the one that helped me afterward and made sure I was taken care of."
She lurches onto her feet and walks away from me to stand by the barrel with the fire where she looks into it for the longest before she speaks again. Even then she doesn't look at me.
"Katie, the darts you were hit by are very well known by us now, they have been used against us in several attacks by the other group. We don't know where they originally came from or how they keep obtaining them but we have become well aware of their effects. When a person is hit by one they instantly become so riddled with pain that anything other than trying to deal with it and staying conscious is almost impossible for them. Some loose function of their motor skills completely, and a few have even died shortly after being hit. But people like you, Katie, divergents...they recover at alarming rates. There have been several among us that didn't even know they were divergent until being hit by one because they were born into the factionless so have never had to go through aptitude testing. Even though they recover quickly none of them have done so as quickly as you have. You shouldn't be able to move around like you are right now even with being divergent. It can still take days, if not weeks, to be able to do that."
I frown, shaking my head in denial of what she's telling me and the cold hand of dread I feel closing in on me. "But I was barely even hit before they were pulled out…."
"Listen to me Katie," She cuts me off and walks back towards me slowly. "Two weeks ago one of our men here was hit by one while out gathering supplies. It hit the edge of his hand but he pulled it out immediately after it made contact. He still can't use that arm and to this day he has issues with the feeling in his feet while also suffering from blinding headaches. Yes, he is divergent and he was hit by just one of them."
I swallow nervously as the enormity of what she's saying hits me. Not only am I divergent but there is something else about me...even more abnormal than just being divergent...but what does it mean? I don't even know what being divergent means or why it's so dangerous.
"You need to keep away from Eric as much as you possibly can. Still stay respectful to him but don't do anything else that will call attention to yourself. Be very careful of everything you do from now on. He is the one Jeanine relies on to hunt divergents. Your test might not have tipped him off but with him being there when you were hit by those darts, there's no way he won't be keeping a close eye on you now. I can tell by your expression you're about to argue with me so let me make this clear. Eric Coulter was trained before ever leaving Erudite to hunt divergents. He was basically raised as a bloodhound and he's good. The best. He's very cunning, Mary Katherine. Do not doubt for a second he would use anything to manipulate you or the situation. If he knows you're divergent but hasn't handed you over yet it's because Jeanine has other plans for you. Make no mistake, when the time comes he will hand you over without even blinking."
Her words make me feel like I've fallen into the depths of a frozen lake. I'm drowning in emotions. I want to scream and rage at her for talking about Eric like he's some kind of monster. I want to tell her that he's not like that and she doesn't know anything about him. That he would never be capable of doing something like that.
But the plain truth is I've always known that Eric is dangerous. That he has a hard and cruel side to him. I've seen glimpses of it and have heard first-hand accounts from others about that side of him. What I can't reconcile is that it would be without some kind of good reason. I don't believe he would do things like that just for the sake of causing pain or being cruel. The thing that strikes me the most about him is how dedicated he is to his faction and his job.
So is that why he would do something like that? Hunt divergents? Is there something about them….about me...that's dangerous?
Four returns with Evelyn's tea, along with Amar in tow. I half-heartedly listen and take part in the conversation that continues on after that while the little information the two factionless leaders (that are mostly made up now of some of the fallen) know about the attack or who it might have been done by. Mostly, I'm still caught up in my own head and emotions over everything I've learned tonight. So many questions have still been left unanswered and even more, have come along.
~~Worth Fighting For~~
Four and Evelyn begin talking about him and Tris, while she starts to express her displeasure about how he's handled things with her and even worse her hurt because he still hasn't brought my sister to meet her yet.
Amar smiles at me from where he's leaning against the wall and motions with his head for me to follow me. I gratefully get up after hugging Evelyn goodbye and telling her I'll see her again as soon as I can, then leaving Four to his fate with his mom.
It's up to him to make things right with her...and really all the women in his life.
The door closes behind Amar as he ushers me out and he looks at me with a frown. "You seemed a little lost in thought there and I'm sure listening to Four make excuses wasn't going to help your agitation. How about I take you on a tour of the place and then you and I have a talk?"
I nod gratefully and follow along as he shows me how they've set up the base for their little group. This small building will be where they try to keep the supplies they obtain as well as where meals will be served for the group. There are a good many women and children with them and they try to keep together during the night to better protect themselves. Because there isn't a lot of room in this building and there is too much risk to use a lot of the others, they will take to the tunnels and the various rooms there to set up daily living quarters for the winter months.
After showing me all this, Amar takes me to his room. It's not that far from Evelyn's but isn't as large. He never takes a large room whenever they set up somewhere. There's only one chair to sit on and he gives me that then leans against the small desk instead of using the bed.
He crosses his arms over his chest and lets me get settled before he starts the conversation. "So, what made you so upset, Half-Pint?"
I shrug, not really knowing how to get into all that and not being sure if I want to. Instead, I decide to ask Amar a question. "What was he like back in his initiation?"
Amar was once a Dauntless officer and instructor for their initiations until circumstances forced him to fake his death and leave. The last one he was in charge of before that was Eric and Four's.
Everything I know about the main people in Dauntless came mostly from Amar. I trusted him to give me unbiased information as he could. This came in handy when it came to Eric because anything that came from Four was all bad and just a flat out warning to stay away from him. He was also the one that cautioned me not to take anything he or anyone else said as gospel and to form my own opinions, to think for myself when I got to Dauntless.
What I never thought to ask him when I was asking about how to handle Eric was anything personal.
Amar tilts his head, frowning, and shrugs. "Four really hasn't changed all that much from…"
"No, not Tobias." I sigh, trying to stop the blush I can feel threatening to break out on my face. "Eric."
Amar shifts and lets his hands go to casually rest on either side of him, then curl on the lip of the desk. He crosses his legs so one is over the other and looks down for a second, obscuring his face until he looks up again. I catch the tail end of a smile on his lips and I scowl at him.
He clears his throat, sounding suspiciously like a laugh, and shakes his head.
"Well, to be honest...and don't go telling either of them I said this... Eric was a lot like Four was when he got to Dauntless. They were both angry, lost kids that had their minds set about a lot of things. The obvious one that they didn't bother to hide was how they viewed each other. Then there were the other things that I only know because I became a mentor to both of them. They had their minds set on what they wanted to be and the ways they were going to go about getting there. Eric was determined to become a leader. For a time he had his mind made up that making friends would just be something that held him back. Thankfully that changed and I believe it helped Eric stay a bit more grounded. He still wasn't the most friendly kid but I could tell that when someone won his loyalty, he was fiercely loyal to them. He holds his cards close to his chest. I always believed his heart was in the right place...but I can admit...he might have been a little misguided."
I lower my eyes, frowning and hoping something from his answer would magically give me the answers I'm desperate for. My head goes up when Amar kneels in front of me and he looks at me with worry.
"Why are you asking about Eric, Kat?"
"Eric and I….we've...become friends...or at least that's what I thought until talking to Evelyn. Now I don't know what to think or feel."
"I suspected there was something going on with you and Eric when you and Four were telling me about what's been happening during training." I raise my eyebrows in surprise and he smirks and shrugs. "It isn't like him to take a consistent or proactive interest in someone. Not even enough to oversee their punishments himself if it means it will cut into his own personal time or mess with his routines."
He smiles and chuckles at that and I can't help but to as well because it is something I am well aware of about Eric too. He gets grumpy and pouty if something doesn't go the way it usually does or the way he wants it to.
"What did Evelyn say about him, half-pint?"
"That he hunts divergents for Jeanine. That I need to stay away from him and watch out because...because...I'm divergent." My whisper is raw with emotion and threatening tears.
Amar's head drops, hanging for a second before he sighs heavily. He lifts it after a few seconds, enough time for tears to start falling when I realize he isn't denying what Evelyn said and reaches out for my hands to take them in both of his.
"I suspected you might be but hoped you wouldn't. You've had enough on your plate without having to look over your shoulder about this too."
"You knew? How? What is a divergent, Amar? What am I that I have to be hunted like an animal?" I start sobbing, barely able to get the words out and reached out to wrap me in his arms to hold me, stroking my back.
"Shh…" He soothes me. "It's going to be okay. You're still you, Kat. Knowing that you're divergent doesn't change that fact. It just makes you more aware of the potential danger but it also gives you the ability to learn to hide the traits that will alert anyone else." He sighs and releases me then stands to lean against the desk again then runs his hands over his face tiredly. "I don't have all the answers about what divergence really is or why Erudite seems so obsessed with it, but I will tell you that it's part of why I had to fake my death and leave Dauntless. It's not all of why I left, the rest of my reasons were personal, but when I left I tried to get answers. I'm divergent and as far as I can tell the only thing that really makes me different is I seem to be able to adapt more quickly than others, especially in tough situations. Some would say I think differently and I say I'm just not as narrow-minded or willing to be a blind sheep like others are. I guess to the powers that be that's too dangerous to allow."
My shoulders slump in defeat and I nod. "How would I know how to act to hide it then? I mean, I had no clue before the test but you said you've suspected. What did I do to make you suspicious that I was divergent? Was it because I was a little Abnegation girl that acted more like a Dauntless?"
"There was that but you also had other qualities that were hard to miss. You are one of the smartest little brats I've ever come across and you aren't afraid to use that knowledge in the best way to make it the most effective. You don't like lying if you can help it and if you can't you try to get around it by doing it in the most honest way you can. You are a very caring and selfless person who understands that sometimes the best way you can give isn't something material but simple things like being someone to listen or a smile for someone who's down. But the biggest thing for me was that you didn't like the thought of your path in life being dictated to you."
"Oh god," I bury my head in my hands. "What am I going to do, Amar?"
"You're going to finish initiation is what you are going to do. You're past the first stage and the next hurdle will be fear sims but the main thing to remember going forward is that you need to think and act as a Dauntless would. From here on keep that in mind for everything you do."
He reached out and grabbed my shoulder, squeezing and holding my eyes as he gave me this order.
"Amar, is Eric a divergent hunter?" I whisper tremulously.
His face falls and he sighs. "Eric is a soldier through and through, Kat. Soldiers follow orders and take care of the things they are charged with protecting, or the missions they've been given. Sometimes with single-minded persistence. Eric is also an intelligent man and while others might not see or believe it, he really does want the best for the city and Dauntless. If he's told that divergents are a threat to any of that...he's going to do his duty."
I take a deep breath, but that's hard to do since I feel like I can't breathe. I feel on the edge of a panic attack that never fully comes.
There's a knock on the door and Amar steps away from me to answer it. I hear the murmur of deep voices before I Four calls my name, telling me it's time to go back to Dauntless then leaves to get Evan after Amar asks him to.
We walk out shortly after and then join the other two who escort us to the train. Amar won't be getting on with us, so when we hear it in the distance he pulls me in for a hug goodbye.
"It's been a long time since I've been around Eric but I can't believe the kid I knew is all that different from the man he's become. You've always had good instincts, Kat. The best advice I can give when it comes to this...is to follow them." Amar whispered quickly into my ear before releasing me from the hug so I can follow after Four and jump onto the train.
Follow my instincts? How the heck do I follow them when everything is such a mess right now?
I guess Four figured he had pushed me enough tonight so he let me wander off and slide down the wall to sit and think things over. I had to find a way to deal with Eric when I get back because I have a distinct feeling he will be waiting for me. If I'm being honest...all I want to do is run to him right now...and find some way to make this better.
"God, get a grip, Kat," I mutter to myself and bury my face on my knees. I take a deep breath and try and think things through calmly.
The fact is that keeping away from Eric isn't an option. He wouldn't allow that to happen and if I insist on it he's going to want to know why. There's no way I'm going to be able to come up with a reason that will be convincing enough for him and it hurts too much to contemplate.
If Evelyn is right and he knows that divergents are resistant to serums then he already knows about me. If he does then I should be dead, shouldn't I? The way she made it seem, no one lives once he finds out they are divergent.
She also said that since I'm still alive, it's because Jeanine has other plans for me and he's keeping me close until she wants me. If I think about that objectively I can see that being the smart thing to do. What is that saying, keep your friends close but your enemies even closer?
I just can't see Eric being someone that would take that to the extremes he has. Pretending to take me under his wing and mentor me...yes that I can see. But getting into a relationship with me? Showing such...affection..and letting me see things about him that I know no one else has seen?
There are a million moments we've shared that make me question everything Evelyn has said about him and it's not making things easier for me. So I shift focus and concentrate on what being divergent is and why it would be so dangerous and a threat to the city. I can't see that I'm suddenly going to want to do anything to destroy the city. It's not perfect and neither is the faction system itself but I think that with some work and real cooperation between the factions this could be changed.
That's not a dangerous line of thought, is it? I don't think so but I guess what matters is what the others think.
How else could I be a danger then? Is it because I'm endangering those around or close to me?
Then other thoughts start to enter my mind, memories of times with Tris that I have gotten one or both of us almost hurt. The day the factionless men came on us wasn't the first time. Then there was the situation with Tobias. From the way we became friends to the times, I insisted he do something about his home situation, if I look at everything through this lens I can plainly see none of the bad things that happened wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for me.
By the time we are back in Dauntless and Four walks me to the dorm I know there is only one choice for me. I won't know if this really has been a game or way to manipulate me into trusting him until I confront him. I won't know if he is hunting divergents and if he is why unless I confront him. I won't know what I am and if just my existence is the danger until I confront him.
All the signs are there that this needs to happen. I just pray for the strength to face whatever the outcome is after all comes to light.