Chapter 46 - Trust Fall

Kat

I didn't know if I was thankful or not that Four was in such a rush to go inform Max about tonight that he left me standing in front of the dorm. I was in such a state that I hadn't even thought about asking him what he was going to tell Max until he was already gone.

I'm frozen and staring at the door while I continue to have an argument that I've been having since I first decided on my course of action. I've been accused of being suicidal before, of not having a sense of self-preservation, but I've never felt like that might be right until tonight.

You don't need to do anything right now. Just go in, sleep on it, and in the morning you can make a rational decision.

My inner voice decided a while ago to switch tactics from whispering poisonous thoughts about Eric to trying to appeal to my rational side. The trouble was I didn't want to be rational...actually I couldn't be rational when every instinct was driving me to do this now.

So why couldn't I just do what I know I'm going to end up doing anyway and go find Eric? I swallow as a shiver goes down my spine and I wipe my hands on the legs of my pants.

Because I know Eric is coming for me.

I turn my head to look down the hallway, and as if that thought conjured him, Eric steps out of the shadows.

I know the moment he steps into the light and I can see his face that he's angry but I've never seen him the way he is now. His blue eyes are cold and sparkling with something cruel as he smiles at me while approaching. I watch as the glint of a knife flashes in the light before he slides it in a pocket of his vest.

He doesn't say anything as he moves past me, he just tilts his head and walks on but I got the message. He wants me to follow him and I do, even though the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end and my stomach feels like I might bring up what little food I ate at dinner.

I knew when I made the decision to go with Four that it felt like I was betraying Eric on some level, so of course, there was no way he wasn't going to feel like that too. I also know it's going to be even worse that I lied to him about what we were out doing.

If I even live long enough to be able to tell him that part.

I have to physically shake that thought off but it's hard when Eric is being so cold to me right now. He hasn't reached out for me once and doesn't even seem to care that I'm not walking close beside him like he's insisted I do before now.

Then again, I haven't exactly tried to reach out to him either. I'm too afraid I won't be able to stop myself from breaking down right here where anyone could see or hear us.

So, I follow along and fight my fears the entire way.

I knew when I was going over everything and trying to make a decision that when my fear of losing Eric, or if this had never been real, seemed to be the biggest fear I had...that there was no other option for me.

The fact that my fear of losing him...of losing this between us...is greater than any fear for my own life tells me just how deep my feelings go for Eric. Amar told me to follow my instincts and what it is telling me is that there's more to this than I'm seeing, more to Eric being a divergent hunter than what Evelyn knows.

I can't deny that might very well be true but if he is and he is as good as she says he is, there has to be an explanation as to why he hasn't done anything about me yet.

The first possibility is what Evelyn suggested. That he still means to deal with me but only when and if Jeanine says so.

The second one and the one every instinct in me feels is the real reason, is that maybe Eric sees something in me that tells him I'm not dangerous. I know this is mainly coming from my heart, me hoping against hope that it's true, but the problem is...I don't know if it's true.

I know I would never knowingly do anything to hurt my family, my faction or the city. But I also know that I've done all of those things in the past. I used to discount Marcus's ranting that I brought everything on myself with my selfishness but he was right, as much as it kills me to admit, I am a danger to everything and everyone around me. I look at the back of the towering man in front of me and know without a doubt that there is one thing I can trust about him, and that's if he thinks I am a danger then he will put a stop to me, and that's exactly what I'm going to let him do.

I once told Eric that I trusted him and I haven't lost that trust in him. I trust him enough to put my life in his hands.

~~Worth Fighting For~~

I stand in front of Eric's couch while he stands in the middle of his living room. He hasn't said a single word to me, just looks at me coldly and like he's waiting for something.

He's probably waiting for me to speak up and I want to. I walked in his apartment with the determination to be brave and get right to it. I froze again, the words getting stuck in my throat.

I don't know how long we're standing here in silence, but every second that passes I can feel his anger increasing. It doesn't really show in his expression, only that it gets even stonier. I guess he decides he's had enough because he snorts in disgust and sneers at me then walks away to his kitchen.

I look down at the ground and feel tears burning behind my eyes while I listen to him opening his refrigerator then closing it seconds later. I listen to him walking back into the room, and can see the tops of his boots come into my line of sight, but I can't bring myself to look at him. It's so quiet I hear the crack of a bottle being opened and the sound of him swallowing the contents. I know he's looking right at me. I can feel his eyes, like daggers, as they try to pierce through me.

I know I need to speak but I'm frozen in fear again. Frozen in fear. Not of him, even though I've never seen him so menacing, angry or cruel-looking. I'm frozen in the fear of my choice and wondering if this is about to be something else I do to hurt someone I care so much for.

"Welcome back, Kat." Eric breaks the silence, and his tone is even colder than his demeanor.

I swallow and know the time has come for me to start talking, so I raise my head and finally look him in the eyes. He sneers at me when I do.

"How was your outing? Was it...productive?" The sneer is still in place as asks this snidely.

The guilt hits me and the first hint at what has him acting this cold. Because he knows I lied to him and we weren't out checking cameras.

I still can't answer him and I don't know why.

Because you know Evelyn was right. Look at him. This is the Eric everyone has warned you about, the real Eric.

No! Evelyn was making him out to be a monster and I know that he isn't. Yes, he's angry and he should be but I know with everything I am that he isn't that monster she made him out to be.

"Nothing to say? Because...I would really love an explanation for why you betrayed Dauntless, yourself…" his cold tone breaks and so does his voice, his heart pouring through finally as he thumps his chest with his fist…"...and me."

My breath catches in my throat as I gasp in surprise.

I knew he would feel I betrayed him by going with Four and not telling him what we were really going to be doing but betraying Dauntless? What I was doing was to help Dauntless!

My surprise and frustration at his question isn't long-lived because I see the hurt radiating in him along with his anger and all I can feel is guilt and shame again.

My eyes fill with tears at even more proof that I apparently can't stop causing the people around me pain. He takes a step toward me and I look down.

"I did," I croaked my admission. "I knew when we were leaving the compound that we weren't going to be checking the cameras but I let you think that anyway. I told myself that it was okay because if I hadn't then you wouldn't have let me…" I have to stop to hold back my sob.

"Wouldn't have what? Let you commit treason?" He sneers coldly.

My head snaps up and my eyes go to his. What the hell is he talking about? I would never! Anger courses through me for a second before a thought hits me and it's like I'm doused with ice water.

Per the Dauntless rules and regulations. Treason is punishable by death. Anyone suspected of this crime is to be turned over for immediate incarceration and if caught in the event of an actual act of treason can be summarily executed on the spot.

I growl, my temper snapping. There are many things I'm willing to admit I'm guilty of but this is definitely not one of them. "What are you…"

I stop myself in the middle of my sentence and close my eyes and shake my head. I can't let myself be distracted right now.

"No, this isn't where this conversation needs to go right now," I whisper under my breath. I can come back to this and find out why he thinks I committed treason later...if there is a later.

"But this is exactly where the conversation is going to go." He hisses out angrily.

I open my eyes and take a breath, raising my chin after giving a brief nod. "Fine, but before we do I have something I need to tell you."

He takes a step forward, looking calm and with a calculating edge in his eyes as he tilts his head to the side. "And what would that be?"

"I've told you before that I trust you and I meant it. I do, so much so that…" I pause to take a breath and swallow nervously as I watch his hands go to a pocket on his vest. The same pocket I saw him slide his knife into earlier.

He won't hurt me.

"I trust you so much that I'm willing to submit my very life to you." I finally manage to whisper, watching the knife slide from his pocket.

He wouldn't hurt me.

"What?" He questions. I force myself to look away from the knife in his hands and up to his face. A frown mars his forehead and he's lost some of that coldness in his eyes but he doesn't lower the knife and he takes a step towards me.

"I went to try and get some information about the attack during capture, and I did...just not the information I was hoping for. I wanted to know who attacked you and why. They warned me not to trust you...they told me that you were…" I can't even bring myself to say it while tears fall unrestrained. "Maybe they were wrong, but if they weren't, and if you are...then...this will be over quickly. But I trust you enough to tell you...I...I'm divergent."

I sob harder and shake my head. "I don't even know what that means but if I am as dangerous as everyone thinks...then I trust you to do what's right. To protect our city, my family...if you think I'm dangerous, Eric...and that my death will keep everyone safe...then I submit…."

Eric's face contorts but I can't tell what emotion through the deluge of tears. What I can clearly see is him lunging for me with the knife raised in his fist.

A strange sense of calm hits me, like the eye of the storm, and I have the thought that at least this was by my choice. My chin raises a little as I brace myself to meet my fate.