Chapter 47 - How It Ends

Eric

There are at least a dozen other places that I could have taken Kat. That I should have taken her to. That I intended on taking her to. Deep dark places where no one could hear what went on. As I stood there in the darkness I imagined every single one of them and what I would do to her when we got there. The one that came most to mind had everything available to me that I could keep her there under lock and key for as long as I wanted and no one would ever know.

But when we were walking, something took over me and I led her here. I realized how big a mistake it was as soon as I looked at her standing in front of my couch. Images rushed me of the two of us on that same couch just hours ago and try to weaken my resolve, trying to soften me to her again.

That ain't fucking happening.

Neither of us has spoken one damn word. Not that I should care or that I've done it either, but she hasn't even tried to reach for me once. The hurt I feel at that just serves to piss me off even more.

I can't stand to look at her right now and be reminded of what I thought we shared earlier...how it had been all lies...so I walk away to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I open it while walking back into the living room, watching her as I lift it and take a few slow sips. By my second drink, she still isn't looking at me, hasn't made a single move and doesn't look like she's about to start talking anytime soon.

I bend forward and put the bottle of water down and straighten back up, cursing at myself to get my shit together and do what I came here to do.

"Welcome back, Kat." I watch her closely when I finally break the silence. She's still not looking at me but her posture suggests she's afraid and the twist of her lips is a mirror of her guilty expression from earlier.

The anger I felt earlier increases and I realize I'm angry that she's afraid of me but even more livid at myself for feeling that way.

I want her fear. I need her fear to…

Fuck! I can't even finish that thought! What the hell have I let this girl do to me?

She swallows and finally raises her eyes to meet mine. They have that golden color to them that I lo….that I used to like so much. If I can trust anything I know about her then that means she's determined about something.

"How was your outing? Was it...productive?" I ask as coldly as I can to keep all my struggle from showing.

She just stands there, silent and unreadable. Her emotions were usually so easy for me to read but that was when I could believe they were really how she was feeling and not some big act to rope me in.

"Nothing to say? Because...I would really love an explanation for why you betrayed Dauntless, yourself…" my emotions get the better of me and my anger breaks as the hurt finally breaks free. I thump my fist against my chest, my voice breaking a little as I grit out the words.."...and me."

My anger and hurt waiver as a bit of hope pierces through those emotions with her reaction. She gasps and looks at me with wide confused eyes.

Maybe Chase was right and I'm letting my paranoia get the best of me again?

Then her eyes fill with tears and guilt and the darkness is back again along with images of her with Four and Amar.

She looks down at her hands and I take a step forward.

"I did," She croaks out but I'm not fooled by that tone or the tears she has brimming in her eyes. "I knew when we were leaving the compound that we weren't going to be checking the cameras but I let you think that anyway. I told myself that it was okay because if I hadn't then you wouldn't have let me…" She starts to sob the words until she pauses and I see what she's really up to, but it won't work on me.

I know she's just trying to gain sympathy from me because she knows how much I hate to see her fucking crying. But I won't give her the satisfaction to know that she can still get to me.

"Wouldn't have what? Allowed you to commit treason?" I taunt her coldly.

Her head snapped up and her eyes go to mine. She's scowling and her eyes are blazing with anger for some reason.

Good. Then she can stop this crying act and I can do what needs to be done.

"What are you …" She starts to growl out angrily then stops and closes her eyes and I smirk at having caught her in her act. "No, this isn't where this conversation needs to go right now." She whispers under her breath but I hear her just fine.

"But this is exactly where the conversation is going to go." I hiss out, my anger seeping through and breaking the calm tone I'm trying to maintain.

She takes a breath and looks back up at me, nodding once briefly before raising her chin in that same grim determination she walked into my apartment with. "Fine, but before we do I have something I need to tell you."

I narrow my eyes and tilt my head as I take another step closer to her. "And what would that be?"

I swear if she tries to say some bullshit like how much she loves me, I will end her right here and now….

"I've told you before that I trust you and I meant it. I do, so much so that…" she swallows nervously and her eyes flicker down for a second. She gasps and her eyes widen in fear then she looks back up at me again. "I trust you so much that I'm willing to submit my very life to you." She gets out on a rushed whisper.

It takes me a second for her words to get through to me but they do, and they make me pause in confusion wondering what kind of game she's playing at now.

"What?" I ask, trying to keep the disbelief and shock from my tone.

Her eyes are glittering still with tears, and I see it, the truth. She rushes on through the choked sobs. Her eyes are still wide with fear, her body braced while she's wringing her hands together.

"I went to try and get some information about the attack during capture, and I did...just not the information I was hoping for. I wanted to know who attacked you and why. They warned me not to trust you…they told me you were…" She breaks, unable to continue for a second and my heart is racing, waiting for her to finish. "Maybe they were wrong, but if they weren't...and if you are...then...this will be over quickly. But I trust you enough to tell you...I...I'm divergent."

For a second, I'm stunned into shock. Unable to think or move. The fury is gone, obliterated in the wake of her admission.

Then I'm shaken to my core at her next words and how much she absolutely believes in them.

She sobs even harder, shaking her head wildly. "I don't even know what that means but if I am as dangerous as everyone thinks...then I trust you do what's right. To protect our city, my family...if you think I'm dangerous, Eric...and that my death will keep everyone safe...then I submit…"

What she's saying...what she's fucking suggesting…

I go to her, taking the last bit of distance in one desperate lunge. Her eyes widen and I see terror flash in them. Then she lifts her chin and meets my eyes with ones that seem eerily calm...accepting. I reach out for her, only then do I realize that my hand isn't empty and see the cold steel I have gripped in my fist, just seconds from making contact with her.

I drop it immediately and hear it clatter loudly to the wood floor at our feet. I jerk her to me, pulling her tight against my chest. A strangled sob echoes in the room and I realize it came from me in horror at what I had been thinking.

In fury at what I had been about to do to her.

In fucking awe of the woman in my arms who stood before death, putting all her trust in me.

Trusts me! The goddamn monster that was about to destroy the best thing to ever happen to me.

The woman who should be running from me as fast and far as she can get, not throwing her arms around my neck trying to get even closer as she meets my kiss with just as much ferocious need as I am feeling. I pull her up into my arms without breaking the kiss and her legs immediately wrap around my waist as I turn and stride to my bedroom.

I try to pour every emotion that she's woken in me from the day she came into my life. I only end up pulling away from the kiss after I sit her on my bed and I only do that so I can get her jacket off. I'm not going to be able to put what I'm feeling into words right now but I can show her.

I can show her that I will never let her go and never doubt her or us again. I can never fully return the magnitude of the gift she's given me but I will fucking try that's for sure.

She's panting, gasping for air as I tug the jacket off of her. "Eric...how can you still want me, knowing what I am?" She's still crying as she asks this but I don't trust myself to answer. So I keep on with my task, and while she's not hindering me she's not helping either. She opens her mouth and I know she's going to ask the same question again.

I lean in to plant my lips on hers, silencing her with a kiss.

"You're mine...that's what you fucking are, Kat," I growl into her lips and toss the jacket to the ground then kiss her again while using my body and mouth to direct her until she's laying back on my bed with me hovering over her. I pull back to look into her eyes as I cup the side of her face tenderly and stroke my thumb over her cheek. "I suspected your divergence from the start but confirmed it during your first fight, Kat. I don't care that you're divergent. I protect what's mine and I'm never letting anything happen to you. That's a fucking promise."

I seal my words, my promise, with a kiss. Her tears are still falling as she hungrily kisses me back but I can tell it's full of relief and the same desperation I feel knowing how it could have ended if I had let the darkness win.

I won't let that happen again. I won't let myself lose her because of my demons but I do allow myself to get lost in her.