Chapter 48 - Not Afraid Anymore

Kat

I braced myself, ready to meet my fate at the end of Eric's knife but it never came. In fact, the knife clatters loudly to the wood floor, and as he makes a sound of distress and pulls me to him by the back of my neck. I don't hesitate to throw my arms around his neck and crash my lips to his just as he was looking for mine.

It feels like maybe because I'm such a mess emotionally that my body just responds instantly, forgetting every logical reason I might have had to not give in to this need. I find myself trying to climb him once again but I don't have to try very hard since Eric grabs the leg I'm trying to get leverage with and hoists me up to his body until my legs are wrapped around his waist. During all this, he's still kissing me and moving us.

There's something different in this kiss than the ones we've shared before now. It's still very dominating on his part, leaving no room for doubt that he's the one controlling it. I don't know how he manages to make me feel like it's claiming me while begging me for something at the same time...but he does and the tears still falling from my eyes seem to get heavier at this thought.

Eric breaks the kiss only when he's leaning forward, it's then I realize I'm on his bed and he's tugging at my jacket. I gasp for breath and look at him with my mind throwing out stop signs with my questions and doubts.

"Eric...how can you still want me, knowing what I am?" I pant out one of the questions, my confusion clearly ringing in my tone despite my lack of breath.

I'm not sure he heard me. He's frowning hard and completely focused on getting my jacket off. There's still an angry edge to him and I need to know, before we go any further, what this means. I start to ask again but he leans back in, kisses me, and growls against my lips then pulls back just after getting my jacket off me.

"You're mine...that's what you fucking are, Kat." He tosses my jacket to the floor and kisses me breathless.

I don't realize that I laid back until he pulls back again and he's on the bed hovering over me looking down at me as he tenderly strokes his thumb over my cheek. He swallows heavily and takes a breath.

"I suspected your divergence from the start but confirmed it during your first fight, Kat. I don't care that you're divergent. I protect what's mine and I'm never going to let anything happen to you. That's a fucking promise."

A rush of emotions courses through me. Relief, happiness, uncertainty, and desire. If I could measure them all they would be equal but they aren't fighting for first place...they just all kind of combine together leaving me unable to speak.

I know he wants me to reply in some way besides more tears but words are beyond my capability right now. So I do the next best thing and raise my head towards him while I hook my hand behind his neck to pull him to me.

The kiss quickly turns fevered for both of us. His hands lightly run over me here and there, my shoulder or neck. Innocent places really, but they seem to drive the burning inside of me even higher. Everything I feel is being amplified until it feels like I'm burning alive with need and desperate for more.

It takes an act of extreme will to break away from the kiss but I do it, even if Eric growls and immediately tries to pull me back only for me to push him away again and make it clear what I'm trying to do. And that's to get his vest off him. Actually, I want his damn shirt off but I have to start with the vest to get to that. When he eased back I thought he got the message and was helping me out, until he grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes. His chest is heaving and his nostrils are flared, he's breathing so heavily. If I wasn't seeing the hunger in his eyes I would think he was angry.

"Sit up for me, kitten." He husks out, reaching out for me and helps me to sit up as he goes back on his haunches.

I look at him through lust-filled eyes, wondering what he's going to do next and soon have that question answered as his hands go to my hair. Even then I'm still confused until I feel the tugging and gentle pulling of my hair. I blink owlishly at this unexpected move and watch him scowl then mutter a few curses under his breath until I feel it start to loosen and unravel in his hands. When it's finally free I can't help the smile that tilts my lips at his sigh and the smile of pleasure on his face.

"I thought you said you liked my hair?" I tease him.

His eyes crinkle at the sides and his lips twist in a sexy smirk at the same time as he runs his hands through my hair and wraps some in one of his hands, tugging it until my head tilts back a little. I can't stop the moan that escapes me and his smirk deepens. Then he leans in close to me.

"I did like it...but I also mentioned how I couldn't wait to mess it up...so I could do…" He trails off and grips my hair tighter until he's used it to bare my neck to give his lips access to it "...this." He purrs against my skin then I feel his teeth graze in that same spot.

I feel dizzy and reach out to grab his arms to steady myself as pleasure radiates through me and pulls me under again. He loosens his hold of my hair while moving his mouth back to mine. His free hand moves down my side, skimming over the material of my shirt until it comes to the hem at the bottom. I can't stop the shiver that happens when I feel his fingers slip under and tease the skin there, making goosebumps break out everywhere he touches.

Eric pulls back from the kiss and looks me in the eyes intently as he moves the same hand that had been teasing me to tugging at the hem of my shirt, lifting it slowly. I can tell he's giving me time to stop him or let him know I don't want to, but I can't think of anything that I want more than this right now. He still takes his time, turning his slowness into a tease instead of caution. While I appreciate both, they are leaving me impatient when the seconds it takes him to raise it even halfway up my stomach feels like hours.

I let him know this with a huff that makes him chuckle before he decides to put me out of my misery and gruffly tells me to put my arms up then works the long-sleeved shirt off me. As soon as it's off I raise up and reach out to do the same for him but he bats my hands away, shaking his head no.

"Right now is about you, kitten."

I frown in confusion and sit down, looking up at him still on his knees in front of me on the bed. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." He murmurs, and leans forward putting his hands on my shoulders and starts to direct me to lay down but I shake his hands off.

"Well, I don't understand what you mean by that but if this is about me then take your damn shirt off." I snap out in a huff, feeling irritated at my inexperience.

Eric pulls his hands back and looks at me, a hint of amusement in his eyes for my outburst before he frowns and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "It means...I...fuck...I don't do this kind of shit, Kat. I don't do the...getting personal...kissing and touching each other...intimacy…thing. I'm not about to give you details or anything, but...I can say that I've never really concentrated or focused on giving another person pleasure. It's always been about satisfying either my needs or curiosity and anything else is incidental. I don't want that now. I need to show you it's different with you."

I smile softly at him, his words make the butterflies in my stomach go crazy and cause my skin to flush in pleasure mixed with a blush. As touching as his sentiment is I just can't stop the need I have to feel him against me again and I have to find some way to make that happen.

I raise up on my knees again and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him softly at first until I feel him relaxing into the kiss and it becomes the kind that we both pull away from a bit dazed. We're still close enough for my lips to be against his when I respond verbally to his confession.

"I want to feel you against me again, Eric. Skin against skin. So if this is about me…" I smirk against his lips and move my hands down to his shoulders and then his chest where I start to grab the edges of his vest again "...then give me what I want and take the damn shirt off."

Eric groans at my throaty demand and reaches to stop my hands while eyeing me for a second. He curses but releases them and lets me push the vest off his shoulders. I don't need to bother about his shirt because as soon as the vest is off and I've tossed it to join my jacket on the floor, he took care of it for me.

"You're going to be the goddamn death of me, kitten," He mutters under his breath after he gets it off.

At his words, I go from burning with desire to feeling like I've been doused with ice water.

Logically, I know he meant it as a joke. His way of playfully handling the situation but I can't laugh about this. I guess the emotions of the night can't be dismissed so easily and they were there waiting for something to set me off again. I can't forget that I'm still convinced that what my divergence means is that I'm a danger to anyone and everyone I care about. I can't get out of my head that I very well might be the death of everyone around me.

My head drops forward while I try to hold back the tears, mentally cursing myself for not being able to hold it together.

"Kat," Eric's hands cup the sides of my face and look up to see his eyes full of worry and confusion.

"I know you were joking just now...but...I can't stand the thought of...I'm so scared of…" I can't get the words out.

He wraps me up in his arms, bringing me against his bare chest and surrounds me in his warmth. We stay like that, both on our knees on his bed, one of his hands holding my head against him while I breathe him in.

"I want to tell you nothing is ever going to happen to me. I want to be able to promise you that...but I can't lie to you. We're Dauntless and that's just not something we can promise each other. What I can promise you is that I'm always as careful as I can be. I'm always as well prepared as I can be. I expect the same things from you."

His chest rumbles slightly against my cheek with his softly spoken words, the vibration picks up there at the very end when it switches from him reassuring me, to demanding my own promise. One of his hands moved up and into my hair while he was speaking. He cupped the back of my head gently but when I didn't respond back right away I could feel him tightening some of it in his fist, prepared to tug it back and make me look at him.

I nod my head against him before he can do that because I know if he looks into my eyes he'll see everything I'm feeling. All my fears and doubts that I can't give voice too right now. How much panic I'm feeling now that the thought that I'm a danger to anyone around me won't leave my mind.

"Promise me, Kat," Eric growls out his grip tightening a little more.

"I promise, Eric," I whisper, my lips and nose brushing against his chest when I turn my head into him to breathe him in again.

"Good girl," My eyes closed at his purred reply.

The panic recedes enough for the desire to come forward again. I'm not really surprised by that. It feels like wanting Eric is always simmering under the surface, in my veins, even when he's not near me.

The curly dark blonde hairs on his chest scrape across and tickle the tip of my nose as I turn my head and press an opened mouth kiss to the center of his sternum. I then move and place another kiss, this time I tentatively flick my tongue out and taste the salt of his skin. When I move to do this once again Eric growls and tugs my head back with his hands wrapped in my hair, forcing it to tilt back and then crushing his mouth to mine. I smile into the kiss and let out a gasp when my world tilts until I'm on my back on the bed.

I moan into his mouth when I feel the weight of him against me with his warm skin sliding against mine. We are in a position similar to how we were hours ago on his couch but this time more of his body is pressing against mine as he rocks his hips against where I have my legs wrapped around his waist. I can feel the steel rod hardness of him straining through his pants and pressing right against my center with every rotation of his hips.

Every time he pulls back before surging forward again I arch into him trying to keep contact. His hands move away from my hair and travel a slow path down my body passing over but still paying attention to each area in some way as they go, starting from my neck down to my shoulders and then finally cupping me over my bra.

I whimper into his mouth and my heart rate picks up, my nerves at being touched like this for the first time clash with my desire for more. A frantic need and feeling of desperation is building in me quickly and gets worse while his hips press into me in a steady pulse.

When Eric starts to massage and pluck at the nipples of my breast over the bra I feel like I'm about to lose it. It feels like I'm right on the verge of finally seeing what's on the other side of the feeling I was having this morning...but something is missing to take me over the edge completely.

I moan my frustration into his mouth, maybe even a few muffled curses, and then when he moves his mouth from mine I manage to gasp out words that can hopefully express this to him. "Eric...I need...I need…oh…"

I don't get much more than that out when Eric moved directly from his lips on my mouth driving me crazy to using them on that valley between my breasts. He swirled his tongue against my skin and I forgot how to breathe much less speak.

"I know what you need, kitten," He purrs with his lips hovering just above the skin he was lavishing attention to and a shiver runs down my spine at how the heat of his breath feels against the cool spot his tongue just created.

He goes right back to kissing, licking, and grazing his teeth against me in the same area and around it while he uses one hand to tug at the material of my bra. I gasp when an instant later I feel it gives way and exposes me to the open air. I don't protest when he removes it the rest of the way, having me lift my shoulders so he can slide the straps off me.

When it's off I have a sudden bout of nerves. I know that I've told myself it doesn't matter that I'm not very built in this area but I'm still self-conscious. It doesn't help that an image of the girl Eric left the pit with pops into my head out of the blue. It makes me want to cover myself and my hands move to do just that until Eric grabs them and glares up at me.

"Don't," He demands, still glaring at me while my eyes widen. Then the glare softens and he lets out a breath. "Do you want me to stop, Kat?"

I shake my head and reply with a breathy no, ignoring the tiny part of me that wants to cover back up. I make myself relax and let my arms fall back to my sides as Eric moves his eyes from mine to look back over me. It feels like he takes forever just looking at me with no indication of if he likes what he's seeing until I realize there is a faint rumbling or deep humming noise coming from him.

"Fuck...so perfect," Eric drawls out silkily and softly as he leans down and places a brushing kiss to the center of my chest.

Then he proceeds to graze his lips, tongue and teeth over each of my breasts but always just over the edges of them and never where it feels like I ache for him the most.

"Oh god...please Eric...please!" I don't even care that I am straight up begging him in words as I tug on his hair trying to make his head go where I want it. I don't even really care that I can feel his lips curling up into a smile against my skin, although I do curse softly when he continues to tease me.

He takes pity on me after I whine and the curse dies on my lips when his tongue flicks against the nipple of my left breast. He follows that by quickly grazing it with his teeth and then sucking it into his mouth. I arch up into him and mirror his groan with one of my own. My back stays arched up as he moves from one breast to the other after long minutes of slow torture on each one.

I'm surprised my body doesn't snap with how much and how hard I'm arching it up and moving my hips as the burning, aching feeling keeps building in me and I'm trying to relieve it in any way I can. Maybe if Eric was still between my legs my body would have what it's craving but he moved at some point so now he's actually beside me, stretched out. He added his hands into the torture his mouth was still inflicting on me and one of them was making a slow trail of flame and goosbumps down from my sternum until he reaches my waist where I can feel his fingers brushing against the very edge of my pants. My eyes fly open and widen as I gasp when I feel the button of my jeans being freed.

Eric raises his head from my chest and looks into my eyes with his own that are wrinkled at the sides with worry. He moves until his level with my head again, continuing to open my jeans with one hand while he trails kisses along my jaw and neck.

"I'm okay...don't stop," I breathily inform him, knowing he's about to ask if I'm okay and if I want to stop. "I want this. I want you, Eric."

Eric's nose brushes against mine when he slips his hand inside of my pants. My mouth goes dry and my heart seems like it might beat right out of my chest. I can't deny that I'm nervous right now but I want this too much to give myself much room to think about that.

"Goddamn, believe me I want you too, kitten. We...I...still need to wait, but I can give you this for right now," His breathing is strained and his jaw is tight as he speaks to me but the silky, raspiness of his voice seems like it's coming from so very far away the second his fingers brush over me through the material of my underwear.

Instead of moving away from it, considering this is the very first time I'm being touched there, I raise my hips towards it while making a plaintive noise. He covers my mouth with his as he moves his hand back up, making me think he's pulling away so I grab at his arm and almost claw at it to stop his retreat.

It turns out he was just moving his hand so he could slide it under my underwear. Our groans mingle together in the air when his skin finally makes contact with mine and my body jerks in response to his fingers sliding between my folds.

"So wet for me," The words come from deep in his chest in a rumbling growl that almost sounds animalistic, full of pleasure. My fingers tighten on his arm that I grabbed in reflex as a cry breaks free of my lips causing him to pull back and look at me.

I don't know if it's the words themselves, how dirty they are, or my reaction to them. I seem to become even wetter than I was before, but a sudden wave of embarrassment has me turning my face away and into the hollow of his neck so I can hide that from him.

"Never hide from me, Kat." He growls and nips my lip before pulling his head back enough to pin me with his intense and hungry eyes and more of his hand slides under my panties against slickened skin. "So responsive to me." He says in a purred murmur of pleasure as he continues to stroke me.

At first, his touch is feather-light and slow, his mouth finding mine and again and mimicking that touch. A feeling of tension begins to build in my abdomen and the ache increases between my thighs. I start to move my hips against his fingers while the tension coils even tighter, feeling like any second it's going to snap as it begins to intensify and I'm writhing desperately.

"I want more...I need more…" I don't know what it could be. I just know I need something.

His nostrils flare and his eyes blaze even more as he breathes heavily. "I'll give you more, kitten." The words almost come out as a hiss, his jaw is clenched so tight he can barely get them out.

He leans in and kisses me then moves his hand away and adjusts me, specifically my pants, so that they are lower on my hips. It takes me shimmying my hips a little at his instructions but when it's done I follow his eyes to look down my body and have a clear view of him touching me, which he doesn't hesitate to get right back to doing. Picking up exactly where he left off and driving me insane every time he makes another circle over what feels like a magic button. I'm back on the edge again though and no closer to the other side than I was before I unknowingly spoke out my desperate state and I can't help the whimper that escapes me at this.

"I know...Kat...fuck…I'm going to take care of you." Eric presses his forehead to mine and breathes out the words. "But I'm going to have to take this slow."

My brow wrinkles in confusion, not understanding the concern I can hear in his voice, until I feel his hand shifting until one of his fingers slowly starts to part and penetrate me. My eyes go wide and I stop all movement at the intense feelings of this intrusion. Then I understand his concern and I brace myself.

I'm not sure what I expected or what I was preparing myself for but it doesn't matter. Nothing can fully describe the sensations I'm experiencing for the first time, they are all colliding and morphing together so quickly it's hard to register one before another begins. I know that I quickly go from surprise to slight discomfort, then to burning pleasure all in the span of seconds with Eric watching me every step of the way. I can tell the exact moment he sees this last part because his eyes darken even more. He licks his bottom lip while softly murmuring a reminder for me to breathe...or maybe he's reminding himself?

"Is this what you needed, kitten?" He rasps the question out while moving deeper inside of me and slightly picking up the pace.

I immediately nod frantically, unable to speak and afraid if I don't respond then I'm never going to get the other side of this buildup I'm feeling. His lips tilt into a slight smirk and there's a wicked glint in his eyes. "Not good enough. I want to hear you say it. Is this what you wanted?"

"Yes...oh," I gasp out and close my eyes in pleasure. "Feels...oh god...feels so good." I finish in a breathless whisper.

His chest rumbles with a growl as he flicks one of his fingers over that magic button. "Open your eyes and look at me as you come for me, Kat." My eyes fly open when at his command and when he does something with the finger inside of me that feels like he's just triggered a nuclear detonation inside of me.

I now understand what that feeling is that's been eluding me. I've read about it in those books of Lynn's but they don't quite do it justice. It feels like my body is on the verge of shattering into a million little pieces.

I come apart at the seams. Unable to make a sound for what feels like an eternity, my eyes go fuzzy and my entire body tightens and quivers. I can feel him still moving inside of me and it seems to prolong things until it becomes almost painful and causes me to whimper. Then Eric pulls his hand away while he begins to kiss me again, slow deep kisses spaced between him murmuring my name and telling me how much he liked watching me come for him.

When he notices I'm still trembling, he pulls me tighter against his body and holds me with our foreheads pressed together. I can feel his breathing is just as erratic as mine and that he seems to be taking slower breaths like he's trying to calm himself down or something.

It takes a few seconds for my mind to work but I realize that what he's probably doing is trying to get control of himself so we don't go any further. A hazy part of my mind is actually quite content with leaving things as they are but a much larger part is having none of that when I finally have Eric in a bed with me. I start to go through things in my mind that I can do to make him feel as wonderful and tortured as he just made me feel.

My skin flushes when I land upon one particular idea. I take a quick fortifying breath before I move and start to put my plan into action.

It starts with just a kiss, but one that I use everything he's done to me as a guide. This does exactly what I want and distracts him enough that he doesn't resist me when I move forward and press him to the bed on his back. I make sure to keep kissing him while I position myself so that I'm not on his side and on my knees. Now that I'm in place, I pull back and smile slightly at his darkened and glazed eyes and the small frown of confusion.

"What are you doing?"

I don't answer right away as I reach down for his hand, the one that only moments ago was giving me such pleasure.

"Kitten?"

I bite my lower lip and brace myself for this extremely risky and naughty thing I'm about to do. "Hopefully not making a fool of myself," I reply breathily to his question and watch as his eyes widen a little when I guide a specific finger of his to my mouth then gently start to suck.

I know I'm on the right track when I hear Eric groan deeply and his pupils blow wide.