Chapter 49 - Think A Little Less
Eric
The saying that men lose all ability to think when the blood rushes to a certain part of their anatomy has always seemed like a lame excuse for weakness to me. There was no way I would ever let myself be ruled by a bodily function. I have always been able to control myself and those urges. Ignoring them when I wanted to or satisfying them under my own terms.
Before I transferred at the age of sixteen I had very little time or inclination to pursue anything sexual. At least, not with a partner. I mean come on, I was still a fucking horny ass teenage boy. I just took care of my own needs. Then I transferred to Dauntless and was exposed to the culture and partying ways here. I gave in to the temptations.
I remember those times in the beginning when my body overrode my intellect and I acted on those urges. I also vividly remember how it left me feeling disgusted and completely disappointed in myself. It felt too much like someone else controlling me and that wasn't something that was acceptable to me. Not when there was so much else that was already out of my control in my life at the time. So, I set rules and boundaries for myself and resolved that I would always be the one to be in control during my sexual encounters.
The rules were simple really.
No kissing. No sleepovers or spending the night. No bringing girls into my personal and private space at all. No repeats (especially not after the extremely regrettable one from my initiation).
As far as foreplay went, there was a time when I experimented with that in order to satisfy my need for control. It was part of me wanting to know the limits of a woman's body and how far I could push them. How to tease and torture them until they were at the brink and they only reached completion when I allowed them to.
What I've never admitted in regards to my growing apathy to sex is that there has always been something missing that I could never have put into words. My short time, and experiences, with Kat, have shown me what I've been missing out on.
Watching Kat come undone under my touch is like nothing I ever experienced before. I'm so fucking hard for her that it's almost painful but I also feel satisfied in a way that has nothing to do with me getting off.
Although, I do feel like I might just go off like a rocket in my damn pants at any second...I'm that turned on.
Kat stretches the boundaries of the control I've worked so hard to keep in all aspects of my life, especially this one. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I've allowed her to have some of that control I covet so much. This is my way of trying to demonstrate to her and myself that what we have is much more than just physical.
More importantly, right now, it's my way of repaying the gift of trust she's given me.
And at this moment...the small semblance of control that I am fighting hard to hold for myself has just been blown out of the fucking window.
"What are you doing?"
Kat is beside me on the bed, slightly on her knees looking like a wet dream come true. There's something almost artistic in the way her skin is exposed from her neck to where her pants are still spread open and low on her hips. Her hair is spilling in waves over her creamy shoulders and ghosting over the swells of her bare breasts, managing to look like it's been purposely draped over her enough to cover parts of her for modesty but still tempt the hell out of me. Her eyes have that heavy-lidded and glazed over look from her recent orgasm and those pouty lips of hers are swollen from my attention.
"Kitten?" Kat hasn't answered me and I can feel a tingle of apprehension when she gets that gleam in her eyes. The one that, when I see it, every time I see it, I can't help thinking of the title of an old movie.
Something wicked this way comes.
"Hopefully not making a fool of myself," She responds and looks equal parts sex goddess and sweet innocence as she blushes and whispers this just before she lifts my hand to her lips and gently starts to suck on one of my fingers.
"Fuck, Kat," I grunt, feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me when the surprising realization hits that this is the same finger that had just been wrapped in her hot velvet sheath.
A shadow of thought passes over my mind, wondering if she knows this or if I should point it out to her, but it passes so quickly that I barely acknowledge it. She's tentatively experimenting right now, licking and sucking on the digit in ways that have my mind filling with such dirty thoughts about what else she could be doing that too.
I'm so goddamn wrapped up in that, that I don't even notice her free hand has managed to get the button and zipper on my pants undone. It isn't until she gives a final slow lick to my finger and kisses the tip of it before letting it drop, then leans in to start shyly kissing my chest, that I realize her hand is sliding down into my pants. I try to muster up the willpower to stop her.
And...just...can't.
I once saw a cartoon from the archives where some dude had an angel and a devil on his shoulder and they were trying to steer him one way or the other. Right now both of my little shits are resembling Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice and neither are helping me out here.
"Kat," I manage to grit out her name as her kissing steadily moves lower and lower down my chest. "Shit...kitten...you don't have to..." I groan, unable to finish my protest or attempt at pulling her back up because I feel her hand cup me over my boxers.
"I want to, Eric." She says against my skin, her tone breathy and shy despite the boldness of her actions. "I might not know exactly what to do…" Her breath and lips ghost over the skin just below my navel, making my stomach tighten on instinct and I grunt again while she continues on, almost rambling out her words…"...besides what I've read in books."
I let out a heavy groan when her lips move even lower all while picturing the kinds of books Kat's been reading lately and all the things that might have been in them. I still fight to gain enough control and reach down again to pull her up, even though it's a half-hearted attempt at best. This does serve to get her attention though, and she looks up at me. Her eyes are wide and worried.
"Unless….I mean….if you don't want me…." I can see in her expression, the change in her eyes as well as the way she's worrying on her bottom lip, that she's full of doubt and insecurity. The green flecks in her eyes always seem to turn darker when she's upset, worried, or hurting.
Scowling, I reach for her again, this time without hesitancy and a bit forcefully. I pull her up until she's laying on top of me, her bare chest against mine. Her mouth meets mine with no resistance and I plunder it. I want to kiss her until I drive away all those thoughts but I have little hope that's going to happen. It's too ingrained in her.
Doesn't mean I'm not going to try my damndest though.
When I finally pull away from the kiss her hands are curled into my chest and I don't even care that her nails are digging into my flesh slightly. Just like she doesn't seem to mind that I have her hair gripped tightly in my hand.
"Know this, Kat. I always want you. I want you so bad it fucking hurts. I've already told you this before. You don't have to do anything for me to want you...it's just a fucking fact. So...if this...thing...you were wanting to do is because you think you should be doing something in return...or that I expect it...you can forget it. I won't allow you to do something you're not one hundred percent comfortable with. I can and will wait for when you're ready, kitten."
I immediately follow this with another kiss that has her moaning into my mouth and her nails digging in just a bit more. After a minute or so I pulled back again and watched her expression morph slowly, from a slight pout that I pulled away before she was ready, into the most radiant smile that lights up her eyes.
"I don't think you expect anything of me at all. I know that you had every intention of just making me feel good and not doing anything else, but I want to do this." She stops and looks down, blushing, and taking a breath. "I read about it, imagining you...and...tasting you. That's what that means right? Will you...will you teach me what to do, Eric?"
Kat still isn't really looking at me right now. The blush on her cheeks is even darker and she's worrying her bottom lip again, waiting for me to answer her. I close my eyes and breathe in, knowing I lost the struggle before it really even began. There's no way I was going to turn her down, but now, knowing that for her it's about so much more than just giving me pleasure there's no way I'm saying no to her.
"Yeah...it can lead to tasting me." I reach out and cup her chin until she's looking at me again. "And yes, angel, I can guide you through it if you really want to do this."
She nods with eager innocence, her eyes sparkling and that damn smile on full blast that melts everything jaded and cold inside of me as she works her way into my heart even deeper than before.
Maybe too deep.
No. I don't want to think about that right now. I won't allow myself to think about how deep she's got her hooks into me and what a scary fucking thought that is; to be so caught up in someone else like that. If I go down that road right now I'm going to wind up in my dark place again and fuck things up. So I push that aside for now and concentrate on her.
Kat doesn't waste a second and leans forward to start kissing along my chest again, moving back onto her knees at my side. This time she goes a bit slower. Not really trying to tease me by taking her time. Instead, I think she's just reveling in the fact that I haven't stopped her like I have so far when she gets too handsy with me. She adds the tips of her fingers into the mix, letting them dance across my skin before her lips take their place. Like they're mapping the way for her. When she gets to my lower stomach and my navel, she places one kiss before pulling away and leaning back.
I patiently wait and watch her. Noticing her small frown and the way her nose scrunches up, like she's deep in thought. She eyes up and down my body, contemplating something. Whatever it was, she gives a decisive nod of her head before she then moves down to my feet and starts to reach for the boots that I still have on. I realize that she means for me to get completely undressed after she gets the first one unlaced, pulled off, and tosses it onto the floor and immediately tackles the other one.
Just the realization of what she's intending along with her look of determination has me groaning and my dick throbbing in my pants with anticipation.
Kat makes quick work of the boots, even my socks, and in no time is back up to my waist where she hesitates with her hands at the waistband of my pants and a questioning look in her eyes.
I know the unspoken question there is wondering if I'm okay with this. I nod tightly in response and raise my hips. I help her to pull them down enough for her to take them the rest of the way off my legs. Once they're off she looks back up at me and has a small impish smile on her lips.
My kitten is way too pleased with herself, and with me for letting her have her way, and it just further inflames my desire for her.
I work hard not to snatch her up my body again. This time with the desire to pin her to the mattress and fuck her senseless, all while claiming her completely as mine, and only mine. I don't think she would even object if I did that. As a matter of fact, I think she would be all for it.
Would that just be in the heat of this moment though?
In a matter of seconds, that feels like much longer than it actually is, a series of thoughts and questions run through my mind as I debate taking control and giving into the strong desire to sate my lust for her. Wondering about the regrets, doubts, and complications it could possibly cause if I did.
I know I'm overthinking things.
I over-analyze, over-complicate, and overthink things. That's my nature and it's just how I operate. But in this instance, I'm glad this is my tendency. Because of that, I don't give in to the powerful desires, my baser nature, and what they both are driving me to do. To take what I want when I want it.
I do this for one simple reason. Kat asked something of me and I won't deny her if it's in my power to be the one to give it to her. But….if I'm really being honest...the real reason boils down to the fact that I'm a selfish greedy bastard.
There is nothing noble or good about what ultimately makes the decision for me. She's asked me to teach her and allow her to explore this, even though I know how scary that had to be for her to do. She's trusted me with the secret of her divergence and now she's trusting me to guide and be here with her as she experiences these firsts.
The greedy, selfish bastard that I am, I want all her firsts. In every aspect of her...and us...I want her to know I can and will always be here for her so that she will always come to me above anyone else.
I know there's a definite risk in allowing this. I might get carried away and get to the point where all the logic and reasons holding me back just won't fucking matter to me anymore.
I watch as Kat's eyes zero in on my boxers and her hands move forward to address them next. She lets out a shaky and soft puff of air while her hands tremble just a little.
But fuck...her eyes...
There's this hungry glint in her eyes that tells me I'm playing with fire and about to get burned by a monster of my own creation. I realize that the bigger risk is letting Kat have free reign, then it ends up being like opening Pandora's box and I won't be able to get her to close it.
I must have made a pained moaned sound of some kind because she looks up at me when she starts to pull my briefs down with that question in her eyes again. I give her a small strained smile and lift my hips one more time to help her out.
"Oh," A breathy, startled exclamation comes from her when my dick breaks free. She swallows heavily and only tears her eyes away from it long enough to push the last piece of my clothing down enough for me to kick it away. "Does it….does it hurt being like that?" She asks worriedly, her eyes as wide as saucers that are transfixed on my rigid length.
Fuck, does it ever! But if you kiss it, it'll make it all better.
I shake my head, and internally scowl myself, then answer her while trying not to sound too strained. "Not in the normal or bad kind of pain, Kat. I just really fucking want you and that is it's own kind of pain." Then I narrow my eyes when I think of her and her goddamn books and what they might have said. Half wondering if they might be the reason she's adamant about doing this because of some misconception or unreal expectations she got from them. "Any bullshit where you've read that supposedly leaving a guy hard can hurt them is just that...bullshit."
She smiles slightly and nods in relief then reaches out one of her small hands and gently wraps it around my shaft.
Shit! Just her goddamn hands feels so fucking good.
The second her hand makes contact it feels like I've just had the breath knocked out of me and I seriously wonder if I'm reverting back to my teenage years where it seemed like a strong wind would be enough to set me off. I close my eyes and moan loudly when she starts to stroke me, slowly and with the softest touch I've ever felt in my life.
I force myself to open my eyes and look at her and see her watching her own hand, her wide eyes sparkling with fascination while her hand seems to be almost petting my cock. That comparison just deepens with every second, especially when she adds her free hand and uses that to lightly start tracing the veins running along the shaft until they reach the tip where her fingertips make a full and slow route around it.
"Jesus...fuck…" I pant out rawly into the silence of my room.
This seems to break her out of her trance because she looks up at me with a slight blush on her cheeks as she sighs out reverently. "It's beautiful."
I barely have any time to feel the heat of embarrassment on my neck or think of an internal remark in response to her calling the pulsing monster in her hands 'beautiful' before she switches gears and moves until she's nudged my legs open.
When she positions herself between my legs my ability to think definitely has regressed into that of a teenager. Because all that's running through my mind at this moment is...oh shit, this is really happening.
She's still stroking me but a bit more firmly than before and her attention is only on what she's doing to me. She continues this for a few more pumps before she changes things up and adds a twisting motion as she reaches the top of the stroke, causing me to let out another groan.
"Does that feel okay, Eric?" She asks without really moving her eyes away.
Just as I'm about to answer she makes a circle with her thumb and forefinger and adds just a bit of pressure when she reaches the tip where a bead of pre-cum had formed, which she...without hesitation...leaned down and lightly flicked her tongue at. I barely managed to reply through my grunt.
"Fuck...yes." I paused and caught a breath. "Did you read about that little move in a book too?" I growl out, unable to stop myself.
"Umm...sort of..." She answers, blushing heavily and biting her lower lip as she leaned back on her heels, looking at me. "What do I do now?" She implores me eagerly, still blushing.
I take a deep breath and move up onto my elbows then shove a couple of my pillows behind my back so that I have a prime view for what's about to happen. When I'm settled, after having to scoot back and disrupt her placement, Kat settles back into place between my legs. Completely eager and almost impatient to get started.
I take my dick in my hands and lift it towards me then use my other hand to point things out as I'm explaining. "From here…" I indicate the base of my cock then drag my finger upwards to the tip "...to there you lick. Do that a few times." I pause to look back at her to see her licking her lips and nodding a little, her eyes transfixed on where I'm pointing. "Then around the tip, like you did with your fingers earlier, before you take me into your mouth. But watch out for your teeth." She's already leaning forward before I complete that warning but I stop her with a frown, wanting to make sure she knows she can stop at any time if it becomes too much for her or she doesn't like it.
I don't even get out more than a few words before she shakes her head and swats my hand away from myself with an irritated huff. "I don't want to stop until you feel as good as you made me feel." She informs me with a firm determination and fire in her eyes.
I can only collapse back onto the pillows with a gruff chuckle while I'm honestly just mentally sending up thanks that she's so determined. She doesn't waste time either as she immediately leans in and touches her tongue to the base then gently drags it to the tip. She does that one time, exactly like I instructed her, then she goes back to do it again but this time she uses her hand as well as her tongue and mouth. Keeping her hand around the tip and applying more firm pressure with her tongue all while squeezing the head gently enough to make it feel really fucking good and makes me moan really loud.
She looks up at me and smiles, a small smile of complete self-satisfaction before she starts to swirl her tongue around the head. She hits every sensitive and ball tightening spot as it makes a circuit that includes under the rim, along the edge, and across the head.
"Ah fuck," I groan and grip the sheets in my fists, my dick twitches and lurches. My joking thought that I might go off like a goddamn teenager feels like a very real possibility at the moment.
"Oh! Is it supposed to do that, Eric?" Kat's eyes went wide and she jerked back a little causing me to momentarily forget my predicament and have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at her expression but end up chuckling anyway.
"Yes, kitten. It's a reflex when it's being stimulated." No need to tell her how close I came to embarrassing myself. I continue on to address the inevitable next question before she can ask it. "It feels fucking amazing, Kat."
She beams at me, with her seemingly continuous blush still present on her cheeks. "I'm glad. I like doing this."
If her words alone weren't enough to have my cock throbbing again then her licking her lips just a bit before she leans forward, eager for more, sure was. This time she doesn't do more than smile a little when it twitches in her grasp before she goes right back to work. She watches me when she goes back to licking up and down, enjoying every jerk I mostly hold in and every hiss I let escape my lips. I can tell this is all really just her delaying to build up the courage to go further.
I know the moment when she decides that she's tortured me enough. It's when my body jerked hard enough that my hips thrust forward just a bit, making me growl loudly in irritation at myself for allowing that to happen. I know it had to look like I was trying to urge her on, to hurry it up, and I'm sure that my growl didn't help matters. She looked up at me for a second, our eyes locking, but whatever she saw there didn't scare or intimidate her. Instead...she fucking moaned a little before she wrapped her perfect lips around my head completely and slowly started to envelop me.
What follows is one of the most intense things I've ever experienced in my life.
Things go slowly at first. Kat, for all her eagerness, is still trying to figure things out. I watch her closely and see the way she's so focused on her task and my reactions. She's unsure and tentative at the start but that begins to fade with just a few mumbled words of encouragement or instructions from me.
Hearing her little sigh contentment when she wraps her lips around me again, after I've made her back off for a second just so she can catch a breath, has me reaching out and gripping the sheets in my fist to keep them from grabbing her like I want to. Then I have to hold her back from trying to take too much of me too fast as she gains more confidence. We still can't stop watching each other. Although, the looks we share now are more the desire to watch each other out of pleasure.
I can't fucking get enough of her eyes locked on mine as she drags her tongue around the head of my cock before taking me into her sweet mouth again. When she leans forward just a bit too much, her hair falls in front of her face and completely blocks my view of her, and I can't allow that to happen.
I release the hold on my sheets and card my hands through the curtain of silken hair. I have no intention of doing more than moving it out of the way so I can see her again...and maybe use my grip to stop her from taking more of me than I think she can handle. But my touch seems to ignite something in her and it has the opposite effect in that she becomes even bolder...aggressive even. It's in a way that feels beyond fucking amazing and takes me by surprise enough that I grip her hair tightly in my hand and buck my hips up.
"Goddamnit," I grunt out when Kat hums around me in reaction to my lapse of control.
She looks up at me and I swear I see her smiling, even with her mouth full of me, and that wicked look flashes in her eyes. Kat already figured out that she wasn't going to be able to take all of me in her mouth and had been using one hand to make up for that factor. Stroking me from the base up to meet her mouth in a steady rhythm. Now she's decided to add her free hand, but this one she moves to my balls and starts to gently massage them.
"Shit, kitten. That feels so damn good." I huff out as my hips thrust up again and my hand tightens in her hair even more.
I give up on trying to do nothing more than guiding her and keeping her hair out of her face. I'm beyond the point of caring that I'm being rougher with her than I want to be. That familiar sensation of my release is coming up hard and fast on me, and all I can do is hang on for the ride and try and prepare her.
"Kat…I'm going to come…" I croak out and try to use the hold I have on her hair to get her to back off.
Her eyes are locked with mine and the gold in them flares. I can tell she isn't going to be satisfied until she gets that taste of me. It's too much for me and I can't hold out anymore. I have to close my eyes against the exploding lights that seem to fill my vision as I come harder than I ever thought possible or ever experienced.
When I open them back up I realize I still have a tight hold on her hair. I relax my grip on her but she doesn't break free right away. Kat takes her time by licking and sucking her way all the way up until I finally plopped free.
That's when I strike.
Microseconds after the first haze of my orgasm started to clear, control and rational thought finally returned to me. In the time it took for Kat to decide that she was done I already had a plan to meet the challenge she unknowingly laid at my feet tonight.
Maybe it was the fact that I set out to make this about her and me being the one to give her pleasure, only for that to somehow get twisted so we are in the position we are now. Maybe it's because that, in some way, makes me feel like I failed and of course that isn't acceptable to me.
Or maybe you're just going to use any fucking excuse to do what you're about to do.
She yelps when I curl up slightly, hook my hands under her arms and then yank her up even as I twist to turn us so that she's the one laying on the bed under me. I don't let her get out more than that startled exclamation before I'm kissing her fiercely, deeply and hungrily.
Instead of sating me, Kat's only managed to make me want her even more and I plan to take as much as I can while still holding onto my promise...even if it's by the skin of my damn teeth...as the saying goes.
I pull away from the kiss, leaving Kat looking bewildered as she watches me move until I'm in position to strip her completely like she did me. Her eyes go wide when I start with her boots and toss them to join the rest of our clothes on my floor. By the time I've gotten her pants off her and I finish with her underwear, she's watching me under half-lidded eyes that are full of longing.
The combination of her completely naked on my bed and the look in her eyes almost drives away the last rational portion of my mind. I shake my head to clear it as much as I can then move back up until I'm hovering over her as close as I dare to with us like this right now.
Apparently I don't get close enough, or quick enough for her because she arches her body up towards me. Her hands reach out to link behind my neck while she makes a sound that is a cross between a whimper and huff of frustration. I let her pull me just close enough so that our lips meet for another kiss and the stiff peaks of her breasts brush up against me.
When I pull back again she huffs a little but doesn't protest much more than that since I've just moved the attention of my mouth elsewhere. I nip, suck and lick along her jaw towards her neck but I'm careful...very careful...about the amount of pressure I put in those places that would be too visible.
But I will be leaving a few in other places where I'm going to be the only person to know they exist.
That's part of the plan and reason I went ahead and stripped her completely.
"Eric?" This is the second time she's sighed my name since I began to slowly make my way lower but this time it's in a questioning tone instead of the sigh of pleasure from seconds ago.
"Hmmm?"
"Are we...going to…" She pauses speaking and gasps when I pick this particular moment to nip at one of her nipples.
"Going to what, Kitten." I purr out, but I already know what she's going to ask because I fully intended to give her the impression that we would be.
Partly because I'm feeling a bit vindictive and want to tease her as much as she just got through teasing me, but mostly it's because this will be a way for me to find out if she really is ready.
"You know…" She trails off and I look up to see the blush on her cheeks and the slight look of apprehension in her eyes.
It tells me everything I need to know.
I pull back until I'm even with her face again, holding her eyes with my own while I raise one hand and stroke her cheek. "The fact that you can't say it let's me know you aren't really ready for that yet, Kat." Her eyes flare and she starts to protest but I lay my thumb over her lips to silence her. "Even if you think you are...it still wouldn't be happening tonight. I meant what I said about waiting."
Her brows knit together in confusion and even my thumb that is still hovering over her lips doesn't stop her speaking. "But...I don't understand...if we aren't...then why did you…"
She trails off the question she was trying to ask. Most likely because of the wide shit-eating grin I'm now wearing on my face.
"You didn't really think you were going to be the only one getting their taste tonight...did you, kitten?"