Chapter 50 - Beyond The Veil

Kat

It's becoming very clear to me that the books I have been reading can not be taken as instructional guides for sex.

Lynn did warn me about that.

She told me not to go into any kind of sexual relationship thinking that it would be like it is in those works of fiction. Especially during my first time having sex...or just being intimate in general. Regardless of the books not really being suited to prepare me, that is what I had been hoping they would do. Even if it was just a little bit.

It turned out not to be such a bad thing that I did. It helped me to start to become more comfortable with the idea of physical intimacy and what that entails. They gave me the idea I had to carry on with things when I knew Eric would have just left them as they were.

The books also gave me an idea of what happens after the clothes start coming off, but that isn't something I expected to have to face tonight. Not when Eric so firmly stated that it wouldn't be happening until at least after I'm done with initiation.

So...I guess it's understandable that I am now thoroughly confused by the fact that he's undressing me.

I know part of my mind being muddled is because I came very close to having another orgasm just from the pleasure I got from giving Eric a...a...blow job. (And isn't that just a completely misleading name for something you do more sucking during it.) But despite my mistakes at first and the fact that I needed Eric to give me instructions, I really enjoyed it.

Actually, enjoyed is not a good enough description of how I felt. My feelings ranged from being completely insecure and unsure at my inexperience to being completely grateful and full of warmth, not caused by my desire but just for Eric's patience with me. Not to mention how he conveyed his instructions in a way that didn't make me feel stupid for not knowing what I'm doing.

Then there was the penultimate feeling that completely blew me away, leaving me more than a little breathless and out of it. I felt powerful and like, for that little while, Eric was completely at my mercy.

I was able to make Eric lose control.

He was trying to be so gentle with me. Not only in his words but with how I could feel him holding his body back from the jerks and twitches his hips tried to make on occasion. Slowly that started to unravel and his reactions became more real...raw and rough in nature.

The veil Eric shrouds himself, and his emotions, in around others has always seemed a bit thinner around me. Not completely gone but pulled back just enough that he lets me in where others are kept solidly out. He's also given me glimpses and tastes of how he can be when he doesn't try so damn hard to control himself.

He fought so hard to maintain that...until he didn't...maybe even couldn't...and it was because of me.

It's because of me that Eric barely let me catch my breath and bask in the glow I was feeling before he had me on his bed, on my back, with him pinning me to it while kissing me with unrestrained passion. I barely even had time to respond back to that before he started stripping me. Now he's kissing me again and we are both naked.

His body heat, along with mine, and the fire inside me is beyond incredible.

It's almost enough to make me forget that I'm worried about where this is leading to. I'm worried because I'm not sure this is something we should be doing now that I know how deeply Eric feels about waiting and all the reasons he's listed. I don't want him to stop but I also don't want him to regret this later.

What I'm most worried about is that he might be angry and maybe even resent or blame me for pushing him too far.

He's making thinking this through very hard. It takes everything in me to fight through the pleasure so that I can get his attention enough to ask the question I'm not even sure I want to ask.

"Eric?"

"Hmmm?" His hummed response is about all I get from him while he's still devouring my body with his lips.

"Are we…" He keeps moving until I feel his lips brushing against my breast "...going to…" The rest is just a gasp and moan as his teeth graze and tugs on my nipple.

"Going to what, Kitten?" I both feel and hear that smirk of his without having to see it as he purrs out the question. He still isn't letting up and continues to torment me with his teeth and lips.

"You know.." I manage to finally get out.

It seemed to take too long for me to get the words out because I was still torn about saying anything at all. It feels so good and I wanted him to keep going. It took the memory of my talk with Eric as well as how it looked when he was so angry with me to even manage that much.

Eric looks up at me and moves until he's level with my face again. His eyes are still darkened with the same lust I saw just before he grabbed me and started to undress me but some of that control he lost is back.

"The fact that you can't even say it lets me know you aren't really ready for that, Kat." I gasp in complete indignation and open my mouth to remind him he's the one with all the rules of what we can and can't do, only for him to stop me by placing his thumb over my lips. "Even if you think you are...it still wouldn't be happening tonight. I meant what I said about waiting."

I expected to be more upset and frustrated by his words...but if I'm being honest...I'm a bit relieved at his statement. Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought...at least not for that. This is leaving me confused about my feelings...but mostly about what's happening here. Of those two I decide finding out what is happening is easier than trying to unravel my mixed-up feelings.

"But...I don't understand...if we aren't...then why did you…" I trail off when I see his smile. It slithers across his face and his eyes glint in a way that might look cruel and frightening to anyone else, wondering what he's about to do to them. To me, while it still inspires a shiver to run down my spine it's not from fear. Not really.

"You didn't really think you were going to be the only one getting their taste tonight...did you, kitten?"

I'm breathless and unable to respond beyond the surprised "Oh," That escapes my lips. It doesn't seem to bother Eric, my lack of response. His wicked grin gets a little wider and he slides down my body again, going right back to where he left off.

I don't notice how long he spends just...lavishing...attention to what feels like every inch of me. Somewhere in my mind, I realize that he's been kissing his way down my body for several minutes. What does register is that while he's doing this, his actions flip back and forth between him being controlled to him losing himself again. Each time his control slips a little bit he growls into my skin. In some of those instances, the growl is accompanied by the sting of his teeth or the pressure of him suckling deeply at whatever spot he's occupying. While it's enough to startle me and make me gasp out and moan even louder, he never makes it painful really. It's right there on the edge of it.

On the edge is what I stay at for too long and no matter how many times I gasp his name, or tug his hair, or dig my nails into the flesh of his shoulder, he doesn't give in to my silent pleas to have mercy on me and hurry it up already.

Even when he finally lodges his big body in between my legs and I think I'll be getting relief shortly, he still continues to torture me by only kissing and stroking his hands on my inner thighs.

"Eric, please!" I literally cry out his name with a few tears escaping from the corner of one eye.

He pauses and glances up at me. His eyes burn into mine. "Do you trust me, kitten?" He asks me with his lips twisted in a smirk...and a teasing gleam is in his eyes as he leans in allowing me to feel the heat of the breath as he gently blows on my overheated sex.

My body is throbbing with need so badly that I feel feverish and delirious with it, leaving me unable to think of much beyond doing whatever it takes to get rid of that need.

With all of that going on there was only one answer that I was going to give, and in this instance, it's even the absolute truth and not just me saying whatever he wants to hear to end my misery.

"Yes," I gasp, my eyes nearly rolling back into my head and my body arching even further up when his lips hover even closer than just a second ago.

He uses two of his fingers to do something to me, exposes me even more than I thought possible, and looks up into my eyes as he begins to use his mouth on me. By the time I've gotten over the shock of this, he's already taken me back to the edge twice before moving away or stopping whatever he was doing at that moment so that the release I knew I was about to have starts to fade away. I feel like my heart is going to explode each time he does this because it seems to become even more intense each time he starts again. I'm mostly beyond the ability to think much less form words to beg him not to stop again.

Later when I'm thinking about this I'll probably be extremely embarrassed about the wounded and dying animal sounds I made while he tortured me. Right now I don't give a shit. They're all I can do to communicate how much I need him to let me come and they seem to work because this time he doesn't stop.

It's not just my heart that feels like it's exploding when he finally sends me over the edge, but my entire world...and then it all goes black.

****WFF****

"Kitten?…Shit….Kat!"

Eric's slightly panicked voice pierces through whatever just happened to me. I wouldn't say I truly passed out, but I was pretty checked out for a few minutes, unable to do anything other than try and process the sensations of pleasure running rampant that still have shakes and shudders going on all over my body.

I honestly think that even after blacking out my orgasm continued for a good minute or so. I know that even now the skin on my entire body feels extremely sensitive and tingling like crazy.

"That was definitely not in the books," I mutter, my eyes fluttering open to see Eric looking down at me. There was worry in his expression but that turns to exasperation and he drops his forehead to mine while he huffs and chuckles a little.

"What am I going to do about you and those damn books?" He mutters almost too low for me to hear and gathers me into his arms, pulling tighter against his body.

"Get me more?" I sass back at him, then turn my head to bury my face in his neck and sigh happily. His hand goes into my hair and takes a possessive grip of it while my lips brush against his skin. "That was amazing, Eric."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Kitten." He rumbles out huskily, the tone of his voice getting a little deeper as I try out using my teeth against him like he had done me just a bit ago. He groans and tightens his hand in my hair, pulling my head back and then captures my lips in a kiss that he pulls away from far too soon.

He sighs heavily and I open my eyes to look at him. I find his forehead is puckered and his jaw tight. He looks way too similar to when he's angry right now for my liking.

"Eric...did you...not...like it?" I hate how timid my voice is right now but I can't help the surge of insecurity I'm feeling.

"What?" His eyes snap to mine. "Fuck yeah I did. Too goddamn much." Then before I can react to prevent him from it, he moves away from me and gets off the bed.

"What do you mean by that?" I scramble to follow him off the bed. He's already found his boxers on the floor in the pile of our combined clothes and is hurriedly pulling them on.

"Just what I said, Kat. I enjoyed it too fucking much. Completely forgetting you're still recovering from what happened at capture not to mention all the shit from our training sessions and your fights. I should have had more control than to allow that to happen."

He's standing in front of me, gesturing wildly with one hand while running the other through the mess of his hair, ranting and railing at himself. During this, I go from relief at the reassurance that he liked what we did and that I hadn't done something to turn him off, to feeling more than a bit miffed that he's ruining the mood right now.

"You listen here," I stomp the few steps between us then poke his bare chest "What we did together was amazing, it felt amazing to me at least, and I won't let you ruin it by suddenly thinking I'm a porcelain doll. Yes, I have some bruises and I'm not denying that things might be a bit magnified for me, both pain and pleasure, after capture."

My skin flushes at the thought of how much the pleasure Eric was giving me was magnified...which would probably explain why I practically passed out...my brain must have been overloaded.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about, Kat. I knew that was happening but I still went ahead and did it." He barks out, interrupting whatever else I was going to say.

"I would have stopped you if it was too much or painful, Eric."

He scoffs loudly and shakes his head, with a sneer. "Right. Like I'm going to trust that the girl who refuses pain medications just to punish herself is going to suddenly stop being a masochist or develop a sense of self-preservation. For fucks sake, Kat, you threw yourself in the line of fire without even blinking and don't get me started on what happened earlier in the living room. I don't know what's made you think your life means nothing but that shit stops now."

My mouth snaps shut and I flinch back as if I was slapped. I feel tears burn behind my eyes. Whether out of hurt or anger, I'm not sure right now and I'm not going to stand here trying to work it out. All I know is that the hurt and anger seem to be about equal and if I don't walk away or get it under control I'm going to say something I will regret later.

I tear my eyes away from his own flinching when he realizes what he just threw out there and I bend down, reaching for my clothes.

"What are you doing?" I can't see his face but I hear the wary tone in the words.

"I think it's better if I leave, Eric. I refuse to say something I'm going to regret." I sniff back a tear as I root through the mixed-up pile of clothes to find my underwear. His hand shoots out and grabs the underwear from my hand as soon as I have them while the other reaches out to me.

"Kat…." He pauses and waits until I'm straightened up and looking at him. "Don't go." He takes a breath and continues. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did in the way I did. I'm not going to try and say I didn't mean what I said...because I did. It scares the absolute shit out of me how willing you are to put yourself in danger and how little you seem to care about how much pain you are or will be in. It has from day one and just seems to be getting worse for me. But, I should have found a better way to talk to you about that, okay?" He slowly pulls me forward towards him and I only resist a little bit before nodding and sniffling at the same time.

My arms go around his waist and I burrow my face in the center of his chest, soaking in his warmth and trying to calm myself down enough to respond. I'm not as angry at his explanation but I am still hurt, and what's worse is I can't even deny anything he's said.

"I know this is going to take time for both of us to get used to, and we have some really big fucking issues to work through. The only way I see that working is...we just need to be honest with each other. We need to tell each other whatever it is we are feeling or thinking...and we just need to talk...be open with each other about the good and the bad."

I sniff back more tears and pull away enough to look at his chest while "I don't think my life means nothing and I don't want to be in pain. I'm not sadistic, Eric. But...I also won't stand by idly while someone is being hurt. There was no way I could stand by while you were in danger. Earlier tonight...it wasn't because I don't value my own life...just that...I value my family's lives more. My fear is that this divergent thing means I'm a danger to them in some way and I just can't...I couldn't live with myself if someone I love died because of me. Can you tell me I'm wrong about that? Can you tell me that everything that's happened...the times my sister got hurt or was in danger of being hurt...weren't because of something I've done? Can you tell me that I'm not the way I am because of it? Can you assure me that I don't cause those things to happen because I'm divergent?"

"Yes. I can." He replies firmly, and with no hesitation. "We need to talk about what happened tonight. I have questions I need answered and I'm sure you do too, but I can tell you I honestly believe that you aren't what I've been led to believe a person with divergence is."

"And what is that? What does being divergent mean? Why are you hu…" I pause, my breath hitching in my throat at the question about to fall from my lips that I just can't utter.

I look at him...pleading for him not to make me ask it, maybe even deny it before it needs to be said.

He doesn't.

He stands there, tension radiating from him, in rigid silence. The sides of his eyes are crinkled in the only sign of the strain he's feeling, everything else he's put behind his emotionless veil. Then he lowers it enough to show me his own worry and hurt at the inevitable conversation, swallows thickly, and pulls me into his chest again. Wrapping me in his arms tightly and keeping me there where we stand, putting off the inevitable, for just a few more moments.

I hear him inhale deeply before he speaks quietly. "Neither of us ate much at dinner. I was thinking I could warm it up for us while you take a shower...if you want to I mean. Then after...after...we can talk."

I curl my fingers into his back, not really wanting to let him go, and an idea hits me how I can get a bit more time with Eric like this. I slide my hands from his back around his waist then up his chest and start to press up and until I'm on my tip-toes and my arms are around his neck.

"A shower sounds good...but you in it with me sounds better," I whisper, before he can pull me in completely for the kiss I know he's thinking I'm aiming for then graze my lips against his, teasing him.

He groans and mutters a curse before kissing me hard. He pulls back before we can get too carried away and looks down at me, his eyes narrowed a bit. There's a slight tick in his jaw and the look he has when he's fighting against himself about something.

"Fuck it." He growls then yanks me back against his chest, kissing me at the same time as foisting me up so that my legs go around his waist and he cups my butt to hold me up. "It'll save water anyway."

I don't bother pointing out that we will most likely waste more water than what we use and smile into the kiss as he carries us into his bathroom.