Chapter 52 - Carousel

Kat

I blink slowly, disoriented, and trying to figure out what woke me up. It takes me a few seconds to get my bearings.

I determine it's not my alarm that woke me because it's not going off like it usually does. That requires me to hit the button to stop it and it's not going off still.

It's not the snuffles and cries that Al still has bouts of and that always ends up waking me up.

Actually, I'm not hearing any of the normal things that tend to cause me to wake up, like the shifting of the other initiates on their beds or the dripping of the faucets.

In fact, I realize as I blink, more alert now, I'm not even in the dorm. I'm at Eric's apartment...in bed with him. Then the enormity of everything that happened yesterday begins to sink in as well.

Rough fingers brush against the skin of my back, tracing patterns over where ink is embedded under the skin at the top of my spine and I realize that's what woke me up. I lay here soaking up the feel of Eric's touch and the warmth of his body close behind mine, drawing a measure of comfort from his presence to help with the exhaustion I'm feeling despite how well I slept.

My divergence felt like a drop in the bucket compared to all the baggage I've been carrying for far longer than my knowledge of my being divergent. Finally revealing one of my many secrets has left me feeling emotionally drained while also like a weight has been lifted from me that I didn't even know I was carrying.

It makes me wonder when more come to light if I will literally lose weight as well. Thanks to those darts and my newfound sensitivity I know that glimpses are being revealed right now.

I can tell which parts of the tattoo he's tracing as the tips of his fingers move over my skin. I can even tell the moment he's moved onto the part of the tattoo where I've used morse code in the pattern of three nested triangles that border the tattoo. His body tenses behind me and his fingers move along each symbol a bit slower while he decodes them to read the words within.

I've known since this tattoo was mentioned, along with the fact that it contains morse code, that he would be doing exactly what he's doing right now. I also knew that he might not like it when he found out what the words they spell out and I was right. He sighs a little heavier with each one.

It's not that they're bad, not if each one was taken individually but combined they add up to paint a picture that hints at more of my past that I've been keeping inside me.

Eric moves his hand away from the tattoo with one final heavy sigh and replaces his fingers with his lips that he brushes against the top of my spine. I bite my lip to stop the moan from escaping me as he starts to place soft kisses in that area.

"I know you're awake," He rasps against my skin.

"Don't wanna get up," I protest in a soft groan then sigh happily as he drapes his arm over my waist and pulls me even closer to him while softly chuckling.

"Neither do I, but we have to. Chase and Zach will be here soon for breakfast before you go back to the dorm to get ready with your sister."

I close my eyes tightly at the reminder of what I'm going to face today. I still feel so raw from the emotions of the last few days that I don't know if I can handle going to the Pit to find no one is coming for us.

"It'll be okay, Kat," The words rumble out of him as if sensing my distressing thoughts. Eric nudges me, indicating he wants me to see me. He loosens his hold to allow me to turn and face him which I do without much prompting.

"What if they don't come?" I whisper lowly, without looking at him. Mainly because as soon as I was turning over my hair came out of the haphazard bun I fell asleep with it in, and Eric took advantage of that to run his hands through my hair.

He doesn't answer right away. He continues to gently work the tangled mess my hair became during my sleep. I chance a look up at him and see his forehead is scrunched up like it gets when he's focused on something.

When he answers, his tone is even but measured as if he's thought them out carefully. "Then, that will be their loss of the opportunity to see their daughter happy and making a home for herself." He removes his hand from my hair and uses it to lift my chin until we're looking at each other. "But just because they might not be here today doesn't necessarily mean that they didn't want to come. You know how things are between certain factions now. The tension between Abnegation and a few of the other factions might prevent them from attending visiting days."

My lips thin a little when I think about that and wonder if it wouldn't be for the best anyways. I wonder if it wouldn't be better for Marcus to think that my parents have cut ties with me for leaving the faction. It would certainly please him if this happened and it could help to keep them safe.

I sigh and look back up at Eric to find him watching me with a slight tick at the side of his eye but otherwise, his face is blank. "Kat…." He starts out and stops, his lips thinning slightly before he closes his eyes for a second and sighs.

"Before everyone goes out to the Pit I'll be making an announcement to the initiates but what it really is, is a warning. Visiting days, in general, are watched closely but when they happen during initiation they are watched even more closely. Today is one more test that you'll all face. We will be watching to see how our soon to be members are adjusting to the transition. We watch for hints if they can or will be loyal to their new faction or if anyone seems too attached to their old factions or lives. Do you understand what I'm telling you?" He took on that tone he gets when he's trying to impart a lesson or important information to me. Not quite as cold or snide as he would use for anyone else but still hard and unyielding.

I've realized that at times what he doesn't say is just as important as what he does. That he will provide me bits of information here or there but when then the time comes to put it all together, he expects me to be able to do that on my own.

This is one of those times.

He's mentioned that tensions are high with Abnegation and certain factions but hasn't specifically said one of them is Dauntless. It's not hard to guess that it is though. He's also mentioned that we will be watched closely and it's a test of our loyalty but also how well we're adjusting. I'm guessing that what they will be looking for will be the initiates being too eager to see their visiting families or any breakdowns during and after the day.

"I get it, Eric." I finally reply with a nod but I can't help adding my own thoughts about this test. "I'm happy here in Dauntless. But if they do come, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not happy to see them too. I don't regret my choice in coming here and I'll be glad to make sure anyone who comes to see me knows that."

He nods slowly and uses the back of his hand to brush over my cheek. "I don't expect you to not be happy to see them. I just need you to remember that warning because for you it's even more important that you're careful."

"Okay, Eric," I sigh and close my eyes when he leans forward to press his lips to my forehead before wrapping me in his arms.

We stay like that for a bit, just enjoying each other and the quiet of the morning. We even talk a little. We talk a bit about what we've already faced in initiation and what we are likely to have to do in the upcoming stages. He talks a little about what they did in his initiation and how the classes were combined because there weren't many transfers. How he felt that it was better they integrated with the Dauntless-born earlier on.

I don't know what possesses me to do it. Maybe it's because I'm so stressed about my own visiting day and whether or not either of my parents will be here. But since we are on the subject of Eric's initiation...I ask him about his visiting day.

He tenses and goes quiet. I think he isn't going to answer me and I regret prying into something that is obviously a sore subject with him. Not that he let it show or said as much.

"I didn't have anyone that I wanted to come, Kat. Chase didn't either, but Zach was already here, so we all had each other." He finally replies, his tone almost hushed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"I know. You were doing what I'm told is normal for people getting to know each other. It's not like I haven't quizzed you on the details of your life." He shakes his head and looks at me with one corner of his mouth turned up and reaches out to cup the side of my face. "I promise that we'll talk about my family...or lack thereof...soon. But...I meant what I said...whatever happens today, you'll be okay and you'll always have us."

I can't help the smile or the tears his words cause or my need to hide them both away by burying my head in the crook of his neck. It only takes a few seconds for the embarrassment to fade and the fluttering in my stomach to turn into something else. A need and hunger for him that doesn't ever fully go away.

I acted without conscious thought as I started to nuzzle and nip at his neck while my hand slid between us and down his chest. Eric groans softly and I feel the slightest tremble in his stomach when my hand made contact with bare skin from under his shirt.

"How much time do we have before they get here?" I ask softly and a bit breathy.

"More than enough," He rumbles in reply just before he covers my mouth and body with both of his own.

****Worth Fighting For****

I can hear the rumble of conversation coming from the living area of Eric's apartment as I finish cleaning myself and the bedroom up from our early morning activities.

We got so carried away we didn't hear Eric's phone going off to let us know Chase and Zach were on their way for breakfast. Eric luckily heard his security system alert so it gave us enough time for him to get straightened up and head out there and greet them. He also told me that he would use the time it took me to get myself together to inform them of the events from yesterday.

Even though Eric already assured me that the other two knew about my possible divergence and felt the same as he did about it, I couldn't help but be worried. I've decided to give them as much time as possible for that conversation without doing something extreme. Like taking another shower. Although I did decide to wash up a bit before getting dressed.

Afterward, I wrap a towel around me and head to Eric's closet.

I'm still having just as much trouble as I did last night wrapping my mind around the fact that an entire side of Eric's closet is dedicated to clothing that doesn't belong to him. There were questions that filled my mind when he informed me of this fact that I haven't had the nerve to bring up. Not when there have been so many other pressing concerns. I decided last night to talk it over with Lynn before I said something to Eric about it and I made a mental reminder of that again.

I quickly grab something similar to what I wear during my mornings with Eric. I know that I can use that as my excuse as to why I wasn't in my bed if anyone is up when I get there. Even though I highly doubt anyone will be up since this is technically a day off and I know the others were looking forward to sleeping in.

My stall tactics provide Zach an opening to make the first move to get me alone and talk to me. He called out and knocked before coming in, finding me just finishing up in the bathroom.

"You need your injection." He informed me, pulling out the case that I know contains the auto-injector and probably the other meds he has set aside for me as well. He smirks at my grimace and motions me to take a seat on the toilet while he gets set up.

He preps the area on my arm with an alcohol wipe, quietly at first until he breaks the silence. "How are you feeling? And be honest so we know what we might need to change in your medication."

"I'm not having as many nerve misfirings and my back is feeling a bit better than it was just after the fight. My skin though…" I trail off, trying to think of how to put it. "Right now I'm not in pain but it feels...like it's tight or something. Extremely sensitive. So it's not painful, just disconcerting and takes a bit of getting used to."

He accepts the answer with a frown and quickly gives me the injection. "Well, if it changes or starts to become unbearable let me know and well see about upping the dosage on the nerve blocker. It won't have any of the side-effects you don't like and won't completely cut off all sensation...but it could help to equalize things for you."

I nod and softly tell him I will, still not really able to look at him. He allows the silence, occupying himself with ejecting the cartridge of medicine from the injector pen and putting in another one for my next dose. I know from how he lingers that he has more to say.

"Eric told us about what happened last night. That you went to try and get answers about the attack during capture."

"Oh, yeah..." I reply...a bit shaky even though I try to sound unaffected. "He said he was going to update you two this morning."

"He did. Although, I was hard-pressed to keep Chase away last night."

"Is he angry at me?"

"At you? Why would he be angry with you?" Zach's honestly confused tone has me looking at him finally.

"Because I went out and did something without telling any of you the truth about what I was doing? Because I'm Divergent? Because of Amar?"

"No, Kat. He's not angry at you for any of that." He reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it gently, trying to soothe me while smiling kindly at me after I've stood up in my agitation. "Let's take your worries one at a time, okay?"

I simply nod in agreement.

"So first, your divergence. I won't try and pretend like your divergence isn't a concern, it is, but only because we want to protect you. The best way to do that will be to help you understand and control the things that would alert anyone else to it."

I shake my head wearily. "I don't understand…" I pause and take a breath before continuing. "There has to be some reason that people like me are being...hunted. How can you dismiss things so easily when being divergent is considered so dangerous?"

It takes him a second to answer me and when he does his expression is a little pained but I'm not sure why.

"Each of us has had our doubts about the dangers of divergents but we've never confronted them ourselves or discussed them with each other before now. Maybe it's because we just didn't have a reason to dig deeper or question things until now. I'm sure Eric's already told you how he feels about the subject...and I don't want to presume to speak for Chase...but I think we all have resolved to do what we can. To protect you and do what's right."

I nod and swallow thickly as relief fills me that at least one of worries have been addressed.

"The thing with Amar…" He sighs heavily and shrugs. "Well, that's a bit harder to deal with for us, but I need you to know that we don't blame you and we certainly aren't angry at you for something you had no way of knowing about. I honestly don't know what Eric's going to want to do about it. He's the one that had the most difficult time over Amar. Not only was someone close to him taken from him again, but he had to endure the rumors that he had something to do with Amar's death. It's going to take some time for us to process the knowledge that he's alive much less what you've told us about why he had to fake his death."

"I can understand that," I reply quietly as I violently suppress the need to ask who Eric had taken from him before.

"As far as you trying to get information about the attack. I wouldn't say any of us are angry that you did it, we're more just...concerned." I quirk an eyebrow in confusion and watch him run a hand through his hair before letting out a huff of frustration. "Kat, you're an amazing woman who has more strength than you are even aware of. But your need to take everything on yourself, to the point of putting yourself at risk, worries me. I know that part of it is the drive to protect those you care about and I can understand that. I think all three of us have that drive to varying degrees. But...you...Kat...you fight so hard not to show any kind of weakness or do anything that you think could be taken for a weakness. I hate to say it, but it becomes exactly what you are trying to avoid when you refuse just out of being too stubborn or prideful. It doesn't make you weak to need help, Kat. It doesn't make you weak to talk to someone about things in your past or things currently going on in your life. If anything, princess, it can become a weakness when you don't seek out others who might have information that could help you."

I wince at his words and can't deny them so I don't bother to try. I know that's a major fault of mine. I also know that it mostly has come about because of the things that have happened before when I have placed my trust in someone else only to have it blow up in my face and make the situation worse.

I admit as much to him without going into details of who or what, which causes him to sigh.

"There's a lot about your life before coming to Dauntless that you aren't telling us. I've known that from the beginning. And...from what you have told us, I think that you're mostly afraid to tell us more because you're afraid of how one or all of us is going to react to that information. Am I right?"

"I'm not afraid of you hurting me, Zach. I trust all of you." I hurriedly denied.

"That's good to hear but that isn't what I was saying you're afraid of, princess. I think you don't want to tell us something that might cause us to blame others, specifically people you want to protect. I also think you're afraid we might blame your old faction for things. Unfortunately, that might be exactly what happens with Eric...and possibly Chase too." He sighs and leans against the counter and looks pensive for a few long seconds. "How about we make a deal?"

"What kind of deal?" I ask hesitantly and with more than a little nervousness.

"One of the things we are going to need to do to prepare you to hide your divergence is to get you ready to face your fear sims. They are designed to break a person, Kat. Mentally and emotionally, they are designed to put immense strain and pressure on the initiates to see how they hold up during it as well as how they handle the fears themselves. It's as close as we can get to battle conditions without taking you into an actual battle."

He pauses to let me process all that information because this is also about him preparing me like he mentioned.

"I understand." And I do, even if I don't like the approach and think there might be something else that could be done, I do understand that they need to do something to test our mettle.

"I figured you would. But what I don't think you understand is that with you holding so much inside you are putting yourself that much more at risk of revealing your divergence. The sims will bring up things you may not know you're afraid of or that you've tried to bury...and you won't know what they are going to be until you're in it. Can you understand how bad that could be if it touches on something from your past and you aren't prepared to face it?"

"Zach…" I start in a pained whisper as my stomach churns at the thought of what he's suggesting. I don't feel prepared to face my past yet but I don't want to be caught in the middle of facing it during a fear sim either.

I feel like I'm on some sick and twisted kind of carousel that I can't ever get off of. Where I'm on a loop of running away from things but always being brought right back to them.

Honestly...I'm so damn tired of it.

"What do I do?" I ask tremulously.

"You need to talk about things and I'm offering you to talk about them with me. I promise that whatever you tell me will stay between us. I won't tell Eric or Chase. This isn't something I do lightly, princess. The three of us promised that we wouldn't keep things from each other but...for you...I will."

I stand there, shifting nervously from foot to foot while I try and wrap my mind around the thought of having someone to confide in. The weight of everything seems even heavier now that I'm so aware of how much I carry inside me and I realize that it will be a relief to have someone to talk to about all of that. Realizing that, along with the fact that Zach is exactly the person I most feel comfortable with, leaves me feeling more than a little guilty.

I want to be able to open to Eric but it's just too risky.

"Okay, Zach." I finally sigh out while nodding in agreement.

He smiles, his relief evident in his eyes. "As I said, I promise not to tell them anything you are telling me without your permission to do so, unless I feel you are in danger and them knowing will help you."

I fight against the instant panic that wants to rise in me. The almost obsessive and desperate need to limit who knows anything that will place them in danger just by association with me.

This sharing thing is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought if I have to fight myself at every turn.

"Okay, but it might take time for me to be able to talk, Zach," I admit honestly once I realize just how hard it's going to be and slump slightly the exhaustion I feel at just this first step.

Zach wraps me in a hug and kisses the top of my head. "I don't want to rush you but it will need to be soon."

His words feel a little ominous to me but that's probably just because of the dread I'm already feeling that adds to my anxiousness about the day ahead of me.

****Worth Fighting For****

The atmosphere was a little strained when Zach and I walked out of the bathroom together. Neither Eric nor Chase looked angry but they certainly showed signs of agitation and worry.

Zach immediately announced that breakfast was going to be simple and fast to allow me time to go get ready for the day. He just had to warm up some of the things he thought to make ahead of time. Apparently, one of the things Zach likes to do when he's stressed is to bake and he spent last night baking up a storm while waiting to hear from Eric.

Chase and I were alone at the table while Zach took care of getting everything warmed up and set out. Eric excused himself to go get ready for the day. With that moment alone, Chase took that time to tell me himself that he didn't hold my divergence against me and did not think I was or ever would be a threat. He also reiterated that we would need to plan how to handle the sims.

Not today, but before the last of our days off in initiation.

I felt bad when Zach mentioned his baking was a way to handle stress but I couldn't complain about the results. There were several things to choose from for breakfast today and all of them were what he called finger foods. Which basically meant they were all smaller portions of the basic elements that he tended to include in the larger breakfasts he serves.

Instead of scrambled eggs or an omelet, there was something he called egg cups of two different types. One was similar to an omelet in texture and fluffiness as well as the fact that they had tiny chopped up veggies and cheese, all baked in the form of a muffin. The other had a slice of ham that formed a crust in the shape of a small cup with the same kind of egg mixture on top. I tried both and they were both very good.

Then there were the apple pie oatmeal breakfast cookies. I liked those so much I even contemplated getting over my current extreme aversion to cooking and asking for the recipe so I could make some of them in the future.

But what was really my favorite ended up being the fluffy buttermilk biscuits he served up with butter and our choice of either honey or preserves. I feel like I ate my weight in just those alone.

Because of the fact that I had limited time we didn't linger around breakfast like we had in the past. We still had our usual conversation about what the plans for each of our days were. It's something they started doing shortly after I joined them but at the time it didn't feel like they began doing it when I started to join them, rather that they began doing it again.

All of them are very much creatures of habit, but none more than Eric, and this was just part of their shared morning ritual.

This morning's talk stayed carefully away from touchy subjects but one particular subject couldn't be helped since it was what my entire day was made up of.

Visiting Day.

"I'll be okay if they don't come, you know." I decided to put Zach out of his silent misery and try to alleviate the stress I could see building in him when the subject was broached. "Honestly, I will." I glance beside me at Eric and feel a slight blush when he looks back at me as well, then lays his arm over my shoulders with a smirk, both of us remembering our conversation about this and how that ended. I look back at Zach, who I can tell isn't sure if I really am telling the truth or not. "I won't say it won't hurt if they don't or can't come because it will. But when I picked Dauntless, I knew that there was a risk they wouldn't accept my decision easily. I just decided that I couldn't let that stop me from making the only choice that was right for me."

He smiles and nods then sips his coffee before asking another hard question. "What about your sister? How do you think she's going to react?"

I sigh and frown as I look into my cup. "That's harder to answer with any certainty. Tris has always tried to push aside anything she might be feeling so she could be there for me instead. If I'm being honest, I think it might actually hurt her more than even she realizes it will. As a family, we've all been very close and we worked well together. We tried to share responsibilities without one taking on more than they should. But over the last few years, certain elders put forward the idea for changes in what the faction believed the oldest child's role should be in the family as well as the faction. This saw Tris taking more responsibility for the care of the home and our family's obligations to the faction. The main thing that was being pushed was the belief that the oldest child of the family had the responsibility to remain behind, not only in the faction but also in the home, so that they could continue to provide care for the parents as they age. That it was their sole duty and responsibility to carry on the name and legacies of their parents."

I take a sip of my coffee as I think about that and how hard it had to be for Tris to make the decision to leave, knowing how much guilt she had to be feeling for doing something she believed to be selfish and a slap in the face to our parents.

I have a surge of pride filling me for my sister when I think of how strong she was to make that step when so many in our year didn't. Like Robert Black, who seemed to come to life anytime our faction duties took us to Amity. I think that's where he would have gone if he hadn't caved in to the pressure being put on him and stayed in Abnegation.

"I know she felt guilty about leaving and that making the decision had been much harder on her than it was me when there was so much on her shoulders. There were many others that are our age who didn't have the strength to do what she did, and they stayed because of that instead of going where they might have otherwise."

"Obviously, your parents didn't believe she should stay in Abnegation just to take care of them in their old age or she would have stayed."

Eric's statement is surprising and not just to me. All of us look at him curiously and he just rolls his eyes in response.

"Look, to truly indoctrinate someone into a belief it would take more than just a few lectures from some old hag a couple of times a week. It would take the same belief being taught inside their home day in and day out. So, if they truly believed in all that crap then you two might not have had the strength to leave. But you knew they didn't, so you did." He finishes with a casual shrug and playfully tugs on a strand of my hair that I left down when getting dressed earlier.

I nod, grinning at him. "No, they never believed in any of that. In fact, they spoke openly against it. Although, my mom was much more vocal about her…" my lips quirk in a smile as I remember her rants "...displeasure...that it was being pushed for. After every lecture we had to sit through she would make sure to sit us down and give us her own thoughts on it. She would say that children are meant to fly from the nest, to spread their own wings and soar. Dad was never one to stay silent if he didn't agree with something. While he never said he agreed with her, we knew by his silence and letting mom have her say that he did." As I say this I can't help but doubt and wonder if maybe that in this particular case his silence meant something else. "At least I hope that's what he felt," I mutter with a frown.

Chase and Zach exchange a quick look before they both look at Eric for whatever reason but he seemed to be pointedly ignoring them and kept drinking his coffee.

Zach grunted as he rolled his eyes, then reached over to cover my hand with his. "From the stories you've told us about you, your sister, and your parents I think it's safe to say your dad had some idea that you weren't meant to stay in Abnegation. I can imagine that thought scared him because it meant you would be leaving him, in a sense. If you look at it like that...wouldn't you be afraid of that too, if you were him? Can you imagine what it would be like to wonder if they were going to be okay without you or worried that you weren't going to be there if something happened?"

I know Zach's words are meant to soothe me, to even provide me insight into what my dad might have been or is feeling right now but honestly, it does the opposite. His words strike me in a raw place that he had no way of knowing existed. I tried with all my might not to react, to not flinch as if I had been as physically hit as I was emotionally but I couldn't stop it completely.

Even though it was very slight I knew Eric felt me tense up because he started to use the hand that was already draped over my shoulder to subtly knead my neck after sliding it there.

"Yes, I can." I smile tightly at Zach. "More than you can know." I knew by their looks they knew he touched on a nerve but they don't press me about it or point it out. "I get what you are trying to say and it makes sense now that I think about it. He's my dad and wants to protect me but being in another faction makes that all but impossible for him to do."

Eric clears his throat and breaks into the moment as he looks at his watch. He frowns at it then pushes back from the table and holds out a hand for me. "You're going to need to get going if you want to spend time with your sister before it's time."

I take his hand and get up, then offer to help clean up but already know it will be swiftly waved away.

As I'm tugging my jacket on I can't help but bite my lip and wonder how this thing with me and Eric is going to work. Us being together but not...or at least not being able to be open about it.

He's helping me with my jacket, which seems to be one of those things he's made into a habit to do and frowning. "Just remember what I said."

"Which thing specifically? Because you've said a lot." I ask, smirking up at him.

His lips twitch a little even as he raises an eyebrow at me imperiously. "I expect you to remember all of it, but for the moment I'm referencing my expectations for how you will have…" he pauses long enough to grip my hips and jerk me to him before he stresses the word "...behave."

I gasp a little at the sudden gesture then giggle and press further up against him. "I promise to keep in mind what you said about today. Will I see you later?"

"I did say that you would be watched closely, didn't I?" He replies with a smirk.

"That's not what I meant," I huff out and glare at him when his grin turns to a smug shit-eating grin.

"I know," He shrugs casually and pulls me closer to him, teasing me with the promise of a kiss. "Don't worry, I'm sure something can be arranged for later."

Just before he kissed me I saw a familiar gleam in his eyes. One that he most recently had the night of capture when they wouldn't tell me what had them all excited.

"Okay then," I replied while shaking my head and smiling, certain that he's up to something again.

We have a final kiss that leaves me completely breathless and I can tell he's just as affected by it. I'm coming to believe that what Eric can't or won't say out loud to me, he's found a way to communicate in other ways. With our kiss, I know he's trying to tell me he likes us going our separate ways for the day no better than I do.

That's only reinforced as he watches me walk out of the door with Zach wearing a scowl.

****Worth Fighting For****

I'm relieved to find that the dorm is dark and everyone appears to be still asleep. This will make it easier for me to pretend I just came from my morning punishment. I creep over to Tris' bed and gently shake her awake.

"Tris, wake up," I whisper closer to her ear.

It doesn't take her long to blink awake then nod at me. When she swings soundlessly out of her bed and I move over to mine. It's still made since I never slept in it, so I don't need to worry about that and can just grab everything I will need to get ready. Luckily it's all in my footlocker in a stack ready for me to grab.

When I have the clothes we bought for today and my bag of toiletries/makeup in hand, I go over to stand by the door to wait for Tris. It takes her slightly longer to join me. Like me, she already had everything sitting in her footlocker waiting for her, but unlike me, she makes her bed. She doesn't bother to change out of her pajamas since they are decent enough to walk through the hallways in, even though we know they are going to be deserted.

This morning we plan on using the same bathroom that Mar and Lynn showed us last night after they figured out something happened with Tris that made her uncomfortable showering anywhere near the other initiates. This bathroom is near the training rooms. It's actually a girl's locker room but it's not much more private than the bathroom area in the dorm. It's still much cleaner and better equipped, and so early in the morning, it was guaranteed that we would have it to ourselves.

"I thought we could go get coffee and breakfast after we get dressed." I quietly inform Tris when I see her still looking groggy and trying to blink the sleep from her eyes.

She sighs and looks over at me, clearly grateful for the suggestion. "Yes, please. Need coffee." She pleads softly then blinks owlishly a few times before breaking out into a giggle. "I'm starting to sound like you!"

I can't help but giggle in reply to the playful accusation, which is also completely accurate.

Tris recently started to drink coffee as well. It initially started out with just one cup to see what all the fuss was about. She didn't particularly care for it at first, mainly because she tried drinking my completely unadulterated black coffee. Even after I showed her Mar's trick of adding cream and sugar to it she remarked that she still thought it wasn't all that great. Which is why it was surprising when she got another cup the next morning...and then the morning after that...and so on.

Now it seems she's completely joined the caffeine addicts club.

Laughing we enter the locker room and set about getting dressed for the day. It turns out we both had taken our showers last night and didn't feel the need to take one again this morning. We go to the area with lockers and benches, then pick one to each setup or stuff on then proceed to change out of whatever we are wearing into the things we picked out for today.

I made sure to turn away from my sister slightly, glad that when I was getting cleaned up this morning I noticed the condition Eric left me in. I'm not sure if Tris would have been able to tell that the various marks on my body were from him instead of a souvenir of our fights, but I didn't want to take the chance that she would. If she notices how I turn away from her and how odd that is when we've gotten comfortable with undressing around each other, she doesn't say anything about it. She just continues to get dressed while we make the occasional comment on what we like about each other's outfits.

Tris and I definitely have started to embrace and develop our own sense of style. While those styles seem to be generally the same, it's the smaller details where the differences come through.

Our outfits today, for instance, are both a combination of pants and long-sleeved shirts. Instead of going with a dress or skirt like Mar had tried to talk us into, we gravitated to these.

I picked out a simple black long-sleeved tunic sweater that has an off the shoulder neckline. The sleeves are long enough that they actually cover half of my hand, turning it into a fingerless glove that even has a hole for my thumb. It is very figure-hugging, making it tighter than anything I would have ever dared to wear in Abnegation but it highlights curves I didn't know I had and makes me feel feminine and even a little sexy.

The only color to the black top is a dark grey metallic and black striped pattern that is at the top of the sweater where the material is folded over the shoulder that is also repeated on the cuffs of the sleeves.

The thing that drew me to this particular top, though, was an embellishment of a decorative zipper on the shoulders. The zipper didn't serve any other purpose than adding a touch of metal to an otherwise soft and feminine top. I paired it with a pair of tight black pants I already had, thanks to my friends, that have dark grey accents on the seams and pockets.

Much to Mar's dismay, I refused to wear anything but my boots, completely denying her suggestion of wearing something with a heel. To placate my friend I did allow her to pick out a nice strapless bra instead of just wearing one of the sports bras I already own. She liked it because it was girly and pushed up what little I have, making me more shapely. I liked wearing the bra because it allowed me to show off my tattoos on my collarbone and back without straps getting in the way.

Tris's long-sleeved top was completely different from mine.

It's a deep black color that has a shimmer to the material and the sleeves are made of see-through, silky material. The cut of the top is different too, being much shorter and stops just at the waist of her pants. It narrowly missed being called a crop top according to Mar. The neckline allows her own tattoo to show as well but hers has a wide v neck. Her pants are tight and black like mine but I went with a thicker, almost jean material and Tris went with a smooth and dressier pant to match the top.

Despite the fact that the outfit, in general, is a bit dressy, she went with wearing her boots too. She also appeased our friend by letting her pick out a nice matching underwear set.

Once we are dressed we turn to what will be the longest and most difficult part of us getting ready, our hair.

I help Tris with hers first and it's actually the easier of the two hairstyles. The braid isn't too complicated and doesn't require as many tucks and fastenings, unlike mine which takes us several tries and a lot of laughs before we are happy with how it looks. We add just a few finishing touches with makeup but limit those to things like mascara and a bit of tinted lip balm.

I don't bother to do more than that when my face is still sporting enough bruising to make makeup obsolete.

Before we go get food and coffee, we go back to the dorm to drop our things off. Almost everyone is still in their beds asleep although there are a few empty beds. I notice that the empty beds belong to Peter and Al and vaguely wonder what they could be up to and if that is a sign of their own nervousness about today.

Linking arms, Tris and I head to the dining hall. There is more activity in the hallways and around the compound this morning which isn't surprising given what today is. We are greeted by a few of the Dauntless members and guards that we've become passingly familiar with as we encounter each other. A few of them are men who give very noticeable appreciative looks before they make some kind of comment on how good we look. It has both of us blushing and hurrying to grab our food before any more comments can be made.

Tris gets her coffee and doctors it just how she likes it, then selects her breakfast from what they have on offer today.

This morning there is a big pan full of a Dauntless favorite. It's a breakfast casserole that has a base of tater tots and a filling of eggs, sausage, bacon, and lots of cheese. It's a little heavy but extremely filling and I'm sure is an easy thing to throw together to feed the mongrels of Dauntless.

Tris dishes up a smaller portion for herself, adds toast, butter and honey then joins me where I'm already sitting.

I'm still full from the breakfast I had with the guys but don't want to have her asking questions, so I forced myself to pick up some toast, butter, and honey in addition to my cup of coffee.

"Are you nervous about today?" She asks me quietly after several sips of her coffee.

I fiddle with my toast, taking longer to butter it and spread the honey. I sigh and let the toast drop back to the plate, using the question as an opportunity to delay trying to cram it into an already full stomach. I grab a napkin to clean up a bit of the honey from my fingers and nod with a frown in response to her question.

Chewing a bite of her casserole, she grimaces in agreement. "Me too." She comments after she swallowed her food.

"Tris, I was thinking about today and it crossed my mind that they might not be able to come today, even if they wanted to."

She tilts her head and frowns at me, showing she's confused until I see comprehension dawning in her eyes. "Because dad's a council member and will be needed to oversee Abnegation's visiting day."

I shrug, thinking of how I can put this. "Well, there is that but I was thinking more because they might be discouraged from visiting other factions. Especially certain ones."

"Why would they be discouraged from visiting?" The confusion back in her tone.

"Do you remember the conversation mom and dad were having the night before the choosing ceremony? Erudite is stirring up all kinds of trouble for Abnegation and it seems to be affecting things with the other factions as well. Not to mention there is the controversy with Marcus."

I throw that last bit out more as a test to see how my sister will react. I know Four wouldn't have had time to reveal who he is since I made the demand just last night, but I've wondered lately if Tris hasn't already begun to have her suspicions.

Tris' frown deepens but if it's because she connected Four with Marcus she doesn't show it. "I never liked him." She states matter of factly. "He...I don't know...there was something about him I've never liked. I definitely hated when you had to serve volunteer time with him and I was so angry at dad when he insisted you had to as some kind of penance or whatever."

I'm proud I'm able to hold in my flinch in reaction to the reminder of that and simply nod instead. "You aren't alone in that," I reply dryly.

We sit in silence for a few minutes while she eats and mulls over things until she finally looks at me and replies. "I'll try not to be upset if they don't make it or make an assumption that it's because they didn't want to come."

I chew on my lip for a second, debating if I want to give her the same kind of warning Eric gave me, then decide I can't risk not saying anything to her. She's going to be watched as closely as I am, after all.

"If they do make it, it might be better if we don't seem too happy to see them." Her head snaps up and she glares at me so I hurry on. "Remember that 'faction before blood' is more than just lip service to many of the factions and Dauntless seems to be likely to take it even more to heart than most. We can still be happy to see them and let them know that. But I think we have to be careful to make sure we don't give anyone any room to think we regret our choice at all. Can't you just imagine someone like Molly using it as ammunition against us?"

Using Molly as the example was as purposeful as it was truthful and has the desired effect as Tris scowls at the mention of the former Candor who we've both developed real hate for. I see that she's gotten what I'm trying to say and that I don't think we should distance ourselves from our parents just because they are in another faction, but because of our current circumstances and how targeted, we are as Abnegation transfers.

"Okay, Kat. I agree that we don't want to make anyone think we are the poor Abnegation girls missing their mommy and daddy...but I don't have to like it. In fact," She pauses, her lips twist in disgust. "I hate it and the entire ridiculous faction before blood mentality."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

I'm sipping my coffee when she asks this after several seconds of silence from me. My nose scrunches up and my mouth turns down as I think about the question. One that I honestly haven't given much thought to. Not when there have been so many other things I've pondered, like the factionless and their treatment by the city or Dauntless and their treatment as well, but mainly by Abnegation.

"I haven't thought about it much before now, to be honest. I think that it might be helpful when trying to maintain neutrality for factions like ours whose jobs might depend on it. We are the police and military of the city so it stands to reason we would need to be able to be neutral to the other factions."

"I can see that point." She concedes with a nod. "But at what point do we recognize that it's become less about just maintaining neutrality and become a complete block on any contact outside of our faction. Even if that contact is just to keep in touch with our families and make sure they are well, is that really a betrayal of our faction? I know that for some people it might actually help them to choose a faction different from the one their parents belong to if they know they won't be completely cut off from them. It could even be used as an incentive, allowing more communication via email or messages, maybe even more opportunities to visit?"

"I don't know, Tris. Those are very good points. Maybe that's something to think more about, make it a goal. And maybe...when we get to pick our jobs you can look at something that can help you reach that goal and get it changed. I personally don't know how much of it should be changed because, like I said, for Dauntless it seems important."

"What do you think we're going to be ranked?" She asks worriedly. The subject of our possible jobs brought about another topic for discussion.

I shrug and smile at her. "I don't know but honestly I'm proud of how we've done so far. I know we've given it everything we have and tried our best, so I will be happy with whatever rank we get."

Tris agrees and continues to eat but gradually begins to just pick at her food rather than actually eating it when more people start filing into the dining hall talking excitedly about the day. Seeing that she's not going to eat anymore, I suggest we head back to the dorm to get away from the crowds.

We get to the dorm to find people milling around in varying states of nerves. I'm surprised to find everyone hanging around in here but when I ask Will about it, he just nervously responds that they were told to stick around to be addressed by leadership. The atmosphere is very tense.

Tris and I sat on my bed together, while Will and Christina took up a place on my sister's. It's a little awkward sitting here facing each other in tense silence. Normally Will would be cracking jokes and trying to get us to smile. But even Will, who is just a generally jovial guy who isn't rattled by much, can't seem to find a reason to smile. I've gotten to know the former Erudite pretty well since initiation started and have come to really like him. I know that despite stating he was confident his sister would be here today, he's worried she won't.

We don't have to sit there very long before Eric walks into the dorm and the already fairly quiet room seems to plunge into absolute silence.

"Attention!" He calls out, his booming voice ringing out even more in the stifling silence. He pauses, making sure he has everyone's attention, which doesn't take long because he honestly already had it from the second he entered. His eyes move over the room slowly, hesitating on me for only a split second before they move on, his expression giving nothing away.

He is in full leader mode right now. Hard and cold. Seeing him like this always seems to take me back when compared to how he is in those stolen moments we have together.

"I want to give you some advice about today. If by some miracle your families do come to visit you…" He scans our faces and smirks cruelly "...which I doubt, it is best not to seem too...attached. That will make it easier on you and for them as well. We also take the phrase 'faction before blood' very seriously here. Attachment to your family suggests that you aren't entirely pleased with your faction, that you maybe regret your choice, which would be shameful. Understand?"

The threat is very clear, as is his message, to everyone in the room. I feel my sister stiffen a little beside me. I watch as she slowly turns her head to look at me and I can practically see the wheels turning in her mind.

I hadn't said the exact same thing that Eric did but damn close enough to seem like I was repeating something I heard from him.

I shrug and lean in closer to her then mutter under my breath that I heard him complaining about having to give this same speech this morning while I was serving my punishment with him. She tilted her head thoughtfully but seemed to accept this reasoning without further comment.

Luckily, she didn't really have a chance to comment anyway. Everyone started to mill out of the dorm. Will and Christina were the first to stand up, with Tris following close behind them. I stand as well but lag behind them when I see Eric is still there on the stairs landing. As I pass him his fingers brush against mine very lightly but his expression never changed and neither did mine.

It didn't take me long to catch up to Tris, she seemed to have realized I wasn't right behind her and slowed her pace. When I reached her she smiled at me then held out her arm, which I linked my arm through automatically with a smile of my own.

She's trying to offer me strength and comfort but I know that she's needing it just as much as me. We share a look of worry that causes us to smile and laugh a little, despite our worry.

Eric's words to me this morning float in my mind and I don't mind stealing them right now. "It'll be okay, Tris. We'll always have each other."

Yes, I do have others now, but it's always been Tris that made me stronger. No matter our differences or the strain our relationship has had in the past, or even now, I have her with me. As long as we had each other I knew we would be okay.

She smiles softly at me and nods her agreement. Then we take a fortifying breath and walk forward. Together.