Chapter 54 - Stressed Out
Eric
I watch Zach walking away to go give Kat her shot and sigh tiredly.
"You really don't think she knew she said that out loud?" Chase asks, scowling heavily as he drums his fingers on the table.
"I know she doesn't realize it and I wasn't about to point it out to her. For whatever reason, she can't or won't say more about her involvement with Marcus Eaton. We all suspected it was bad or there was something going on but I've become certain it's worse than even Zach suspects."
"Has anything else happened? Besides her slip this morning when she was thinking out loud about her parents being safe from Marcus, I mean?" The way he says it indicates that he already thinks that's more than enough to already want Marcus to hang.
I sigh and run a hand over my face tiredly. "She has scars. I discovered them for the first time when I had to wrap her ribs up. They're not deep or even all that visible unless you're really close to her. I didn't even actually see them, just felt a few of them. I wrote them off as something that might have happened by accident or that she got during training and forgot about them. I've realized there are more there than I thought at first and it can't be a coincidence her scars have a similar pattern to the ones we saw on Four when he first got here."
"What do you want to do about it?" He asks quietly after a few seconds.
I know his soft tone is him trying to contain his anger. Just like I've been trying to do since Kat had verbally let slip her musings.
"You know what I want to do...I just fucking can't. It could possibly bring attention to Kat, which is the last fucking thing we need right now. So, we get her through initiation first. All while trying to make sure neither Jeanine or Marcus gets anywhere fucking near her."
Chase nods a little before biting his lower lip and tilting his head. "You know, I had a thought. The three of us know that she's hesitant to tell us anything that will make Abnegation look worse than it already does to us, but what if that's not the only reason she's keeping quiet about Marcus?"
"Because she thinks it will keep her parents safe if she does," I state automatically.
"Does she though? Kat's a smart girl, she would know that any protection that kind of action or inaction brought would only be temporary at best."
"What are you getting at, Chase?"
"Kat has a plan. She intends to put things right and has as much admitted the same thing to all three of us at one time or another. I think that when she says that, she also means she intends to handle Marcus."
I had already started to have the same thoughts but I've been able to convince myself that I was wrong. That she wouldn't try and take on something as big as him by herself, but I can't deny it anymore. She would in a heartbeat.
"Fuck that," I exclaim as quietly as I can.
"Eric, that's not even the worst of it." He looks up at me with pain in his ice-blue eyes. "She doesn't even know she's been doing it, but I think she's been conditioning herself. I think that somewhere in the back of her mind...she's not expecting to make it out alive."
"Over my dead fucking body." I snarl out.
He nods in agreement but I hear him mutter. "Yeah, you and me both, brother, and that's what she's afraid of."
****Worth Fighting For****
"Let's wrap this up so we can get to things now that the visitors have passed the security checkpoint." Max sighs as we watch the last of the visitors passing through the room that was set up for registration and screening.
"With Raze out doing the security sweeps and safety checks in Amity, it leaves the four of us on duty today. James, stay in control and keep an eye on it in case one of us is needed for anything. Victoria…" Max pauses, looking over at Victoria, waiting for her to pull her nose out of whatever technical manual she's currently obsessing over.
I know it's going to take him calling her name at least a few times. If I didn't know the woman tested straight Dauntless and had no other aptitudes that leaned too far away from it, I would have said she was divergent with Erudite being the other faction. But she's not, she's just an extreme gear head that loves machines and tech more than people.
When he finally has her attention, he continues. "Victoria, if you would stay in the command center to make sure there are no problems with the guard rotations assigned to the other factions for today, make sure all communication lines are open in case we get a call in for assistance."
"That leaves me and Eric to keep an eye on things with the visitors themselves. Eric, you're still tapped for the speech to the initiates and for fuck's sake...get someone to tell Uriah Pedrad if he tries to raid the kitchen for cake one more damn time I'll put him on cleaning the grease traps there for the cooks. I had them up my ass at four this morning because he snuck in and tried to bake one." Max grimaces and I swear he's muttering something under his breath that sounded like 'I'm getting too old for this shit,' or something like that before he then loudly proclaims he's going to get coffee.
He waves at the room and dismisses everyone from halfway to the door of the conference room. I wonder if he's just going to disappear altogether and leave me to do this alone.
****Worth Fighting For****
"I thought I told you to keep a close eye on things, Coulter."
My hand tightens on the railing I'm currently white-knuckling and look back over my shoulder at Max as he approaches from the shadows. "I am. I have a clear vantage point from up here and I've been watching things since leaving the dorm and seeing the initiates."
From where I'm standing I have a clear line of sight to all the initiates that are gathered on the ground floor of the Pit, but I can't help that my attention has been one specific grouping of people; regardless of the fact that I should be watching everyone.
Zach has already sent me a few messages since Kat and her sister arrived in the Pit a couple of minutes ago. From what he said and what I can see, it's gone well but they just got started.
Max comes even with me, grabbing the railing with one hand and lifting a cup of coffee with the other. He sips while looking over things with narrowed eyes then sighs after he swallows.
"I should have known her showing up was going to draw more than a few people." He mutters darkly.
I frown and look at him in confusion. "Sir?"
"Do you know much of your faction history, Eric? Does the name Wright ring any bells?"
It takes some thought but then I remember a few of the names for former leaders and there were a few named Wright. "They held a legacy position but their spot on leadership passed on after there were no more in Dauntless."
"Well, you're looking at the last living Wright, returning to Dauntless for the first time in years. Word has spread, I'm sure, and those that remember the daughter of Constance Wright have come out to see Natalie Wright Prior...and her daughters."
"Wait a minute...the name Wright is mentioned but no first name or anything about what happened to her. Did you know them?" I ask incredulously while looking down at the family reuniting and wishing I could be at least closer to Kat.
"The information regarding Constance Wright has been classified and hasn't, has been redacted, so it isn't any wonder you don't know more. But yeah, you could say there's a little history there." I glance at the expression in the older man's eyes and see a flash of pain in them before he is able to wipe it away. He sighs as he looks back at me. "Which is why I'm tapping you in for something else. I need you to go down there to keep a closer eye on things. People are curious and watching is bad enough, but we don't need anyone taking it in their minds to make it more. You can even make it an official order from me, to welcome a council member and make sure they are…comfortable...here for their visit." He sneers slightly while his eyes land on Andrew Prior.
Something tells me there is more than just a little history behind the two older men...and Kat's mom. Damn. I'm more than a bit floored by this bombshell but it does explain a few things.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" His voice booms and he claps a hand on my shoulder then gives me a firm push. "Get going." He orders firmly.
I'm moving on auto-pilot with my brain buzzing with even more new information to process and the questions it raises. There is so much to think about, and I will think about it...later...for right now…
"Andrew," I call out as I briskly walk across the Pit, my focus entirely on the group just a few steps away from me now.
"Eric," He acknowledges back and I can admit I'm relieved to see the slight smile on his lips.
As I step slightly past Kat to shake hands with her father I see her eyes widen when they lock on me and the unconscious blush she has on her cheeks when I step back closer to her.
I can see the slight question in the older man's eyes, as well as the cautious look Zach sent to me. This hadn't been planned, me actually being near enough to interact with them. Besides the fact that it would have been out of character for me to just show up willingly to interact with the families, we weren't sure if my presence would help or hinder the reunion.
"Leadership had word that an important member of the council was gracing our halls for the first time in years and felt it only fitting to have someone come welcome you," I inform him and the group in general.
I watch the reactions from Kat and her family closely, as well as those watching around us.
Max was right, there are way too many that look on the verge of walking right up to them, but a look from me has everyone finding something else to turn their attention to rather quickly.
My job is technically done, and I could excuse myself then stay close enough to keep an eye on things until they leave. But Andrew doesn't seem to mind and Tris and her mom seem occupied talking about something else.
What the hell.
"Have your daughter's been able to tell you much about how they've done so far?" I ask Andrew, deciding to stick around for just a bit longer.
****Worth Fighting For****
I was hoping the brisk, cold air would cool me off a bit even though it's not an external temperature that has me boiling from within.
I can hear Zach approaching with Kat in the distance, they're still too far away for their voices to be anything other than faint. I can still hear the worry in her voice no matter the distance. I know I should turn and give some indication that it's fine, that we're fine, but I can't right this second. I'm too angry and afraid I'm going to let it out on her even though it's not her fault.
It's all Peter fucking Hayes's fault.
Watching him put his arm around her and announced for all of Dauntless that she's his girlfriend had me coming close to blowing everything to hell right then and there. I almost went after him and would have if Zach hadn't stopped me and gotten me away from the Pit in time.
'We can use this,' Zach had said by way of getting my attention and preventing me from doing something, like carrying out the promise I made to Peter, for all of Dauntless to see.
His words gave me pause even though I was ready to deny what he was suggesting. He suggested that we keep others believing that Peter and Kat are a thing. It is the logical thing to do, and it will provide a measure of protection for Kat for a bit by distracting anyone who might be suspecting anything of the two of us. I told him that he better handle Peter then instructed him to get Kat while I waited here for the two of them by the jump to get on the train.
Take a breath Coulter and fucking get your shit together.
I follow my own mental order but no amount of breathing is going to wind this storm down. It's no wonder that I'm having such a hard time composing myself though. Not with everything I've discovered in the past freaking day.
Was it really just yesterday that Kat went out of Dauntless with Four, setting off this current chain of events? It's hard to believe because it feels much longer.
Amar is alive but was forced to fake his death. He's now with the factionless, leading a group of them, but to what end? Is he just there to help them stay safe from the other group or is there something more going on with him? I won't get the answers unless I get them straight from him but when should that be?
Kat's parents, their connections to Dauntless and Erudite, is another thing buzzing in my mind. Not only their connection as being the faction of their birth but the connection they possibly have to the plans being made by those factions. Jeanine's obsession with the Prior's has always been a concern even before I confirmed Kat's divergence, so that hasn't changed. But Max's history with Natalie is a concern. Is that why he was so willing to look the other way regarding our relationship? Does it have anything to do with his willingness to possibly go against Jeanine regarding the girls?
Kat has almost reached me by the time I've gotten some semblance of calm back. I don't want to ruin what's been a good day for her so far. There might have been some rocky moments during her parent's visit but on the whole, I could see that it made her happy and took away some of the weight that she was carrying around in regard to her parents.
I don't know what her parents said to her before I got there although Zach did tell me that something happened between the girls and her parents. That they had said something that sounded very formal or official in nature. Whatever it was, wasn't bad even though they reacted extremely emotionally and I worried for a bit that it would be taken the wrong way by others watching.
The biggest worry about what others might have seen was the confrontation with Cara, the Erudite. Fuck, do I have mixed feelings about that. Every single one of the Prior's got in their own verbal licks against the woman.
Kat's mom might have prevented anything physical from happening but it was clear she wasn't intimidated or meek when she faced off against Cara's accusations. Tris stepped up to protect and defend her parents, then called Cara out for thinking she could pull something like that in Dauntless and not have it handled like we would. Then there was Kat, who cut Cara down to size and her dad who reinforced it while still managing to sound nothing but polite and conciliatory.
By the time that family got done with the Erudite, she was left well and truly shaken. I even heard her apologizing to her brother for the entire thing. She wouldn't tell him what was causing the stress she said prompted her to take her frustrations out on Kat's parents, but I knew what it was likely to be. Jeanine has been putting pressure on Cara and I'm sure she clearly remembered the threats to Will she implied.
I don't have to worry that Cara will say anything to Jeanine about the incident. Not after she asked me if what Andrew said was true and I confirmed it. Zach and I could tell she was contemplating his offer, to contact him personally. While I stayed out of advising her one way or the other in that regard, Zach picked up and relayed his own interactions with Abnegation councilman. If she does what either of us thinks she's going to, arrange a meeting with him, that's not something she's going to want to get back to Jeanine.
No, what I'm worried about is more how Kat handled things being looked at too closely. I knew she wasn't going to let things go but there's part of me that wishes she had just blown her top and physically attacked Cara, or at least tried to and then had to be led away like her sister. It's walking a tight line between Erudite and Dauntless, but I could point out she used tactical knowledge of an opponent and used that to bring them down fast. It's the truth and exactly what she did to stunning success.
I feel Kat slide up next to me and I look down at her. Her face is pulled tight in worry. I wish I had time to relieve her of it properly right this moment but the train will be coming soon and we need to jump on. So I reach for her hand instead, give it a squeeze to make her look up at me, then I give her a slight smile for reassurance.
I still don't trust myself to speak right away, and I take the next few minutes of quiet while we wait for the train.
"We're catching the train," I inform her when Chase joins us not long after, although he sticks closer to Zach and the two of them give us some room.
"You know it's not true right? He and I aren't…."
I smile and reach out to touch her cheek before she can finish. "I know and I saw you. You didn't know what he was going to do before he did it."
"It was just...his dad...you know. He was saying some awful things and I thought...I had to help him if I could."
I knew that was why she went along with it instead of laying him out as soon as he touched her. I could practically see the argument going on in her mind as I watched for those few seconds before having to leave. It's the part of Kat I love to hate in a way. It makes her who she is and even though it is maddeningly Abnegation of her, it's the one thing, I will only admit in my own mind, that I hope isn't driven out by the harshness of Dauntless life.
"I know and Zach does think this could help us too. Which is the only reason he's still breathing."
Kat sighs, her shoulders slump a little and she nods. "Yeah, Zach's already shot down any of the things I tried to come up with as payback for him springing that on me."
"I think that's more because I called dibs on that, kitten." I can only smirk at her and how truly upset she looks right now.
She smiles a little then looks down at her feet. "Zach also said that it's better if we let everyone think Peter and I are together." She looks back up at me with a glimmer of something in her eyes that I think is her wanting me to deny it or tell her that it isn't true.
That one look is nearly enough to undo every bit of calm I worked for but once again...I know I can't take how I'm feeling out on her.
I nod stiffly before clearing my throat and answering her. "The theory is that it'll take attention away from us."
She sighs, disappointment clear in that soft sound but she nods and looks away.
"Kat…" I give her hand a tug to make her look at me again "...don't do that. You have to tell me what you're thinking. Remember we said that we have to keep talking about things and being honest. I want to know what you think and that this isn't some kind of order."
"But it's how it needs to be and I get that...I just...I really don't like it, Eric. It makes me feel...I don't know...like this is shameful or something and I just...I don't like how that feels."
"Hey," The train horn blares in the distance letting us know it's finally approaching and mutter a curse, grip her chin and lean in close. "Don't think for one second that I'm at all fucking happy about this. 'Cause I'm not. I am barely holding my shit together at the thought of it and in all honestly, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep my cool when he's anywhere near you. The only thing that makes me even a little okay is because it adds more protection for you. So I'll deal with it for now, but the second that protection isn't needed any more there will be no more of that...or of hiding us. Got it?"
"Yes," She sniffs out and I know that she's needing more from me than just those words. So I open my arms and let her bury herself in my chest.
We can't stay like this for long and I tell her we need to get ready for the train. She pulls away with a nod, surreptitiously wiping her eyes a little.
"Where are we going anyway?" She asks as she looks down where the train is rounding towards us.
"Guess you'll find out when we get there, princess." Zach supplies with a smile as he and Chase step closer.
I don't know if she's conscious that she's doing it, but Kat pouts at that making my brothers chuckle. I do too but I also feel something inside me give at that look, making me want to make it go away and see her smile again. It's not a feeling I particularly care for and maybe that's why I don't tell her straight out what we are doing and why my words come out tersely.
"I did make a promise to you, Kitten."
I watch her eyes as she takes in our answers as well as the train fast approaching and makes the appropriate connections. They light up with excitement and she breaks out into a wide grin.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" She exclaims loud enough to be heard over the train, then whips around and takes off running, laughing and whooping loudly as she goes. I grin as I take off in a run after her, overtaking her easily. We don't have to run long. I'm the first one to the train and I open the door for all of us to enter.
Her excitement continues to grow and the entire ride she practically bounces in place buzzing with energy. Even when I wrap her in my arms, it doesn't stop. It feels like trying to hold a live electrical wire and it starts to electrify me too. Even Chase and Zach aren't immune either and by the time we make our jump, adrenaline is coursing through all four of us.
I'm fucked if anyone is watching us. Watching me.
I'm clearly smiling as we jump and take off in a run for our destination. I even laugh loudly at my brother's antics of whooping and hollering at each other while they set off in a race.
I'm not going to lie, moments like the one back in the Pit when I watched Peter take a place by Kat's side, I've wondered if it was fucking worth it. I've questioned whether all the alien things Kat makes me feel; worry, insecurity, longing, anxiousness, and the need to please or make her happy, is worth it.
I think back to before she came to Dauntless when everything really was so fucking simple. There was order in my life. I had ultimate control and knew exactly what my purpose was. The fact that my purpose was guided by prejudice, hate and ignorance hadn't bothered me before I had my eyes opened and I question if the tradeoff that I've made is worth the uncertainty, stress...and let's face it...fear… that it causes me to feel.
Then Kat will do or say something, or she'll just...look...at me...exactly how she's looking at me right now as she runs by my side...and there's just her. At this moment, nothing else matters.