Chapter 58 - Let It All Go

Kat

I barely remember waking up in the clinic the first time. I think they tried to explain what was going on, that there was an attack in the dorm and I was one of the two victims. I didn't understand what they were talking about because I was disoriented and in pain. I couldn't stay awake though and drifted off again.

The second time I manage to stay awake longer. Long enough for them to tell me more about my situation and why it hurts to talk or even swallow the water I'm given. Shauna tells me I'm not allowed to even try to talk and when I'm asked questions about the attack she glares at Chase until he produces a tablet of some kind that will allow me to type in what I need to say. He tells me they need to know if I remember anything about it or who might have been the one that was trying to kidnap me before strangling me. It takes me longer to try and think clearly enough to finally reply that I don't really remember anything. They refuse to tell me anything else about what's happened and insist that I rest instead.

I know that a few of the times I come around I've had visitors. Chase and Zach are there most frequently. I woke up one time and saw Max standing there talking to Shauna. I only remember Eric being there once. I woke up at some point during the night and he was sitting beside the bed but it looked like he was asleep in the chair. I don't think my sister or any of my friends have been allowed, at least from the snatches of conversation I've overheard.

I want to fight them on keeping me in the dark and keeping my sister away, but my body has other ideas. No matter how hard I fight it I find myself drifting in and out of sleep for I don't know how long but it feels like days in my state. If I were capable of it, I would be extremely worried about what this would mean for me and initiation.

****Worth Fighting For****

I woke up in a complete panic, feeling like I was being attacked and trying to fight my attacker off. There wasn't much strength in me but I used every bit of what I had to claw at and hit whatever was trying to hold me down while I screamed my rage at them.

My screams only came out as strange gurgling sounds and the pain...the pain itself seemed to do more to bring me out of my panic than anything else. I look around me with wild eyes, still not giving up trying to push away the person currently trying to hold me down.

I hear my name being yelled but it takes a moment to realize that I know that voice, that I even trust the owner of it. Then it takes a few more seconds for me to connect it to the face of the person hovering over me to the voice, and another for me to fully realize that the person isn't trying to hurt me.

"Zach?" I try to say but it only comes out garbled and broken.

"Don't try and talk, Kat. You're okay, princes. You're safe now." He replies, watching me warily for some reason.

The edges of panic start to fade, allowing me to think a little bit more clearly now. It's coming back to me exactly where I am as I look around. It helps that I'm not seeing anyone here trying to attack me so the panic starts to ease up a bit more.

The only other people in the room are a nurse and…

My eyes widen and I start to tremble when I see Chase as he's brushing off the attention of the nurse trying to tend to him and orders her to leave but there's no doubt that he was the person I attacked in my sleep. He catches sight of me and hurries over.

"It's fine, Kat. I'm fine. That was a perfectly normal response considering what just happened to you." He's trying to reassure me but I'm trembling and shaking my head in horror.

He looks like got into a fight with something with very big claws. There are scratches down his neck into his chest and his shirt is ripped. Some of them are bad enough that it drew blood. I lift my shaking hands, expecting to see them covered in it.

Chase grips them in his, engulfing them and looking at me earnestly. "I know this is going to be hard for you to hear right now, but I would rather you come out fighting than not doing anything at all. Even if it was just a dream. That's what happened right? You were dreaming about the attack?"

I opened my mouth to speak but Zach interjected, warning me that I couldn't talk yet, and handed over the tablet again for me to use. When they saw that I was still shaking they waited for me to calm down first. After I got the water I motioned for...and Zach talked me into letting the nurse come in and check me over then give me a few meds...I was able to continue the conversation.

There wasn't much I could tell them about what happened when I was asleep. I didn't remember dreaming anything specific, just feelings. The feeling of not being able to move or breathe, knowing that something was happening but I wasn't able to stop it.

Chase apologized to me saying that he should have known better than to try and hold me down when I was in that state. Until he tried to stop me thrashing in the bed I hadn't done much but as soon as I felt someone touching me during that, it was like I found something to fight. I could tell they were sincere when they again said it was a normal response, I just couldn't take it too much to heart right now.

"What day is it? How long have I been here? You said someone else was attacked but won't tell me who the other person was or who did it? Was my sister attacked too? Is she okay? Can I see her?"

I begin to furiously tap out all the questions I hadn't been able to ask with my mind being still so muddled. I flip it over and show the two men my first series of questions and wait with impatience as they read them.

"You've been in here for just about two days," Zach answers, going in the order asked.

I can't help that I immediately start to try and voice my concern over how long I've been out of it and what that means for me in initiation.

"Kat," Chase barks in warning as I keep trying to talk, then he sighs and rubs his neck tiredly. "The start of the next stage has been delayed by the investigation so all the initiates have been given the time off until it's concluded."

I can tell that there is more going on behind that answer but he's not going to give me more than that reply. I huff and tap the rest of the questions meaningfully, this time it's Zach that answers the most important question in my mind. The one about my sister.

"Tris wasn't attacked, Kat. She's...relatively...fine." Zach hedged and sighed at my raised eyebrow. "She's not happy being kept away from you and has been pretty vocal about that, as well as about the attack in general. I've been keeping her updated on how you're doing but she's pretty traumatized after seeing what happened to Edward."

"What!" I try to scream and it comes out in a croak that immediately sets my throat on fire.

"Stop trying to talk. If you keep on, we will leave without telling you anything else. Understood?" Chase shoots a glare at Zach first then at me before admonishing me. I gritted my teeth and fisted the sheets of the bed, making myself nod even though I wanted to refuse.

"We don't know who was involved in the attack on Edward any more than we do yours. He's alive but he was stabbed in the eye. He didn't lose the eye completely...however...they don't think he will ever be able to see more than a blur from it either."

It takes me a second to process this, what they're saying because all I latched on to at first were the words, he's alive. It takes a while for the horror of what was done to him to settle in my mind. I forget every warning as the rage of what is being taken away from him consumes me.

"NO!" I scream as I sit up fully in bed, planning to get out of it and…

Exactly could I possibly do? I don't know, but I just can't lay here and let him be tossed aside like I know Dauntless will do to anyone that they deem to be defective.

Chase is right there pushing me back and claps his hand over my mouth. His eyes are ice, he's that angry right now. "Stop. Talking. This is your last warning before I strap you to this bed and put a ball gag in your mouth."

My eyes widen at the threat and his tone. While I don't know what a ball gag is exactly...it doesn't sound pleasant in the least. The stubborn part of my mind that doesn't want to back down whispers that maybe Chase is bluffing, or at the very least Zach won't let him carry through with the threat. But one raised eyebrow from Chase and a glance at Zach indicates no help from him which dashes those thoughts. I nod when he asks me if I understand, then he removes his hand and sits back down in his chair.

The air is tense while they are waiting for me as I look at the tablet sitting in my hand, contemplating a few things. I raise the tablet and tap the rest of the questions and while Zach takes over.

He informs me that I can see my sister when I'm released but that will depend on my ability to follow instructions and not talk. My throat was damaged chemically as well as from the physical attack so it's taking longer to heal even with the stronger meds being authorized. It doesn't help that during the time I've been allowed to sleep naturally, I've had several instances of nightmares like the one I just woke up from that ended in me screaming and yelling. There is also some concern about my lungs, the damage to them was minimal but they aren't taking chances and I'll have to have a few serum laced breathing treatments over the course of the next several hours.

I know by how often Zach has mentioned it that Tris is extremely worried. Both he and Chase mentioned that she's asked several times to be let in to see me. I don't need them to tell me she's probably being pretty vocal about her displeasure that she isn't being allowed because I already know she has been.

Tris is usually very easy going. Some would say she's soft spoken or shy. I've even heard some people in Abnegation accuse her of being conceited. They were assuming that her preference to just watch and observe things was somehow her thinking she was better than them. I'm guessing this is mainly because of our dad and his position, not to mention just being jealous of her for whatever reasons.

It's completely just ridiculous that they would have thought our father's position made us any better than everyone else. It wasn't like him having a vital role in the government gave us any kind of special treatment at all. As a matter of fact, my parents often took less of the food our family was allowed just to have more to give to other families within Abnegation or to the factionless.

I'm not any more than she is about her being kept away. I know how worried she must be right now.

Even if I do understand that in the eyes of leadership until everyone can be ruled out as a suspect or the investigation is closed, they are keeping us isolated. Zach tells me that even the initiates had been confined to their respective dorms for the day directly after the attack. They were only allowed to go to the dining hall for meals and to janitorial services to pick up or drop off personal clothes, as well as obtain more sheets and towels for the dorm since they were ordered to clean it while confined.

He reluctantly tells me that all the people who were cut, along with Edward, will be escorted to the factionless early in the morning the day after tomorrow. They would have been sent away sooner but they have to report what happened to Edward to the council.

Then Chase and Zach try to explain the way cuts are supposed to work and that they aren't something Dauntless decided to do on their own. We were, in fact, ordered to do cuts in so that we could meet the budget allotted for this choosing year. That means we also have to follow the general rules set by the council regarding those cuts. They explain the limbo transfers are in until they become full fledged members of their faction. Meaning, basically, that the Council is the one to either approve or deny Edward being cut.

What neither of them say, but I can figure out on my own, is that Edward doesn't have to be sent to the factionless when he's cut. Because of the limbo status he was never officially removed from Erudite. There's also the factor that it wasn't anything he did to fail in initiation that has caused him to be removed which could allow him some leeway. He could be given the chance to go back to Erudite or even another faction. They just won't let him or any of the others do that.

I've just learned something new about the way our government works and it leaves me with a very sour taste in my mouth to say the least.

****Worth Fighting For****

Evelyn and Amar had already promised me they would take Mayra in and they mentioned trying to see if any others would want to join their group as well. But I knew that the other group would be eager to fill their ranks and the lengths they would go to do that. Because of this it's very crucial I get to talk to Edward so I can tell him things that would hopefully make sure he doesn't fall for their tricks.

After Chase leaves, it takes almost an hour of pleading, bargaining, and then agreeing to conditions Zach set before he would let me see Edward.

Zach let me know how upset he was that I hadn't gone to him and told him how much I was hurting. He also reminded me of my promise that I would start to talk to him about things from my past...or just being more honest with him in general.

I felt bad enough about not telling him how much pain I was in at dinner that night but seeing how hurt he is made me open up a bit and tell him why it's important for me to talk to Edward. With him knowing about Amar it was easier for me to do this honestly and tell him the older man would be willing to take in and look out for those people like him and Mayra.

It surprises me, though it really shouldn't, how easily he accepts that answer. He even looks relieved that there will be someone to look after the people who are being cut who shouldn't have been. He gave his conditions for allowing the visit of course. It would only be allowed for a certain length of time and I absolutely could not try and talk to Edward at all, anything I had to say needed to be done using the tablet.

The door to my room opens with Zach standing on the threshold, ushering Edward in. I'm not prepared for what seeing him like that does to me. Part of me wanted to believe when I did see him that it wouldn't be real, there's just no denying what's right in front of my face. He has the top half to one side of his head wrapped in gauze and an eye patch secured over the injured eye. The worst part for me is his posture and expression, there's no hiding the emotional agony he's experiencing along with the pain of the injury.

Anger collides with panic and churns violently in my stomach. "Bastards!" I growl in a broken rush and instantly regret trying to talk so badly that I don't need the admonishment Zach gives me.

"No talking. You have the tablet...so use it." I nod but Zach isn't satisfied so he looks at Edward who nods back at him.

"I'll make sure she doesn't." Edward replies and I can hear the strain in it even though I can tell he's also trying not to show how much pain he's in right now.

Zach looks at me one more time before sighing and closing the door behind him when he walks out of the room.

Edward shuffles closer then eases down into the chair but is studiously avoiding looking at me for a few seconds. I know he won't appreciate any pity from me...but that's not what I'm feeling anyway.

I'm furious and I let him see and know that.

'This is bullshit, Edward!'

"It is what it is, Kat." He replies tiredly. "I have only myself to blame. I was warned before I even came here how bad it is in Dauntless. I didn't take it seriously...but I can't say I wasn't warned."

'What do you mean? What were you warned about?' I ask, typing in the question with a deep frown.

"Well, I mean I knew coming in how hard initiation is for Dauntless. It's why I trained so hard for all those years. But the night before I left my dad hinted that things might be even more intense than in years past and it might be smarter to just stay in Erudite. My guess is he knew about the cuts."

My frown got even deeper, realizing his dad should have warned him but didn't. I guess he reads this from my expression and carries on.

Edward just shrugs and smiles a pained smile. "We weren't exactly close, Kat. Erudites tend not to do close relationships, not even with family. I was never really bothered by it but then Mayra came along and…" He trails off, his voice breaking for a second before he swallows and continues. "I think that's why I didn't try as hard as I should have to make her go to Amity. I didn't want to lose her and now...fuck...what have I done?"

I hear the heavy guilt in his tone and I know he's taking all the blame on himself. I hate that I can't help him not feel that way but I at least state once again that it's bullshit that he's being cut and that we don't know who attacked us or even why they did it.

"I know why we were attacked, Kat. I'm just surprised that you haven't figured it out. You always seemed like you came in knowing people would be gunning for you and your sister. It's why I didn't take offence like the others did when you seemed a bit brash or obnoxious. Mayra and I noticed early on that you always tended to act that way when the others were focusing on your sister too much."

I bite my lip, blushing a little at having been so obvious but nod and then turn the tablet to type in my new questions.

'Why do you think we were attacked? And...do you know who did it?'

Edward's expression darkens for a second before he sighs and shakes his head. "I don't know for sure who did it, Kat. My guess is that we were attacked because the two of us were the top two in ranks for the transfers. I also found out, when one of the nurses let something slip, that if the two groups were being ranked together we would have been in the top five at the least if not still in the top two spots. That's apparently why leadership authorized as much medical assistance as they did and possibly why they've also halted initiation for the investigation."

He sees my look of confusion while I'm wondering why we wouldn't have been given medical assistance or why they wouldn't want to fully investigate the attack. So he takes a breath and explains more details about how Erudite operates in general but especially when it comes to providing any of their advanced tech or serums.

The only faction that can afford the free use of the serums and other advancements is Erudite. Everyone else has to pay, majorly, because Erudite makes everything so expensive. There are some things they can't basically hold for ransom, like the milder versions of the healing serums. Even for those they can and do still charge at least something, they are just forbidden from 'price gouging' the other factions. It's when they get into the high level stuff (things that can't be considered one of the basics of medical care that is by law supposed to be provided to and made affordable for all citizens) that the blackmail begins.

Honestly, I already knew this is how Erudite operated because of the struggle I've seen my parents going through when trying to organize things for Abnegation and the volunteer center. I've seen and personally had to handle the spreadsheets where the costs are recorded. I got more hints from Zach that they are that way to Dauntless as well, I just didn't know to the degree that it seems Erudite has all the factions over a barrel.

It's scary to think that Erudite has found a means to power in slowly denying others outside of their faction more and more of the things that are considered basic human rights. All because the other factions don't want them running the government. But is that really any wonder they would go to that level?

By the end of the explanation I get why Edward was surprised that they arranged to help either of us as much as they did. Especially when it came to him, as he admits to me that the easier option would have been to just remove the eye and be done with it since trying to save the eye had a very small percentage of working enough to allow him to stay. The cost for that didn't outweigh the benefit.

I decided not to argue with him on that last point. To me any cost would have been worth trying to save his eye and keep him in Dauntless.

'What was that about the investigation though? It sounded like you were surprised they investigated at all.'

I hoped I wasn't going to hear something worse than everything I've already just heard. Although I admit, I've always had my doubts about how attacks within Dauntless are handled since Amar told me about what went on with him. I hadn't asked outright and Amar always skirted around trying to say anything about it either. Probably because he knew I was headed here myself and didn't want to add to my list of worries.

"It's not so much that I'm surprised they are investigating, I knew they would. I just also know that Dauntless rarely...to the point of never...involves anyone outside of the faction in their internal disputes or crimes. It was one of the things my dad liked to loudly criticize the faction for. I guess in an attempt to discourage me from coming to Dauntless. He called Dauntless savages that prefer a lynch mob mentality to real logical justice based on hard facts and evidence. It's kind of a running joke there that Dauntless refuses to go through the city channels where they could get suspects questioned under the truth serum."

I frown and nod in agreement until I remember something I read in the Dauntless manual about this, and the chain of command involving investigations.

'Wait...according to the by-laws I read in the Dauntless manual...we can and do use the government justice system where suspects can be questioned under truth serum. However, there are just so many ridiculous stipulations to even allow us to get to the point to do that! Stipulations that are imposed on us by mandate of the council in an effort to make sure we aren't abusing the factions power and status as law enforcement.'

Edward smirks at me and chuckles. "It's not a bit surprising you've read those. I did too after hearing my dad go on about it so much. Which is why I know they won't be able to find the people responsible. Because neither of us could identify anyone positively. It doesn't matter that there weren't that many people in the room that could have done it. Without us being able to be specific they can't do much. Even then, if we had given a solid identification, they would still have to subject the person to intense questioning as well as be able to and present physical evidence before they could take it outside of the faction." He stops, his head falling forward as if he's looking at his clasped hands before he looks up at me with an intense expression.

"Kat, judging by the past track record in Dauntless I found in my research, the only way to guarantee someone is punished for a crime here is for them to be caught in the act. Preferably by someone that has a high enough rank in the faction or is one of the leaders."

I digest all this and nod, then put that thought aside for the moment. I look at the clock and realize that the time limit Zach gave me is quickly passing us by and I still need to inform Edward about the Factionless.

'Edward, you know Abnegation deals with the factionless, although what many don't know is what life is really like among the factionless or what it takes to just survive. That's something I know better than anyone in my old faction. I don't talk about it much, the things I've seen or know but I think I need to tell you so you can protect yourself and Mayra.'

The conversation takes much longer than I would like and is extremely frustrating because of my physical limitations and the care I have to take to make sure none of the information I am inputting is being monitored in any way. Thankfully Edward helps with that. In fact, as soon as I started to tell him a bit he stopped me and asked for the tablet when he realized how dangerous the information could be in the wrong hands.

I can't tell him everything I know. I mostly tell him about Amar's group without telling him who Evelyn really is and why they formed up. What he's hearing is upsetting, of course, and it makes him feel even more guilty about Mayra having followed him here. The only bright side in the conversation is when I tell him that because of his injury he will most likely be taken to Amity where he can be treated further and given time to recover. I mention that I'm pretty sure they won't mind if Mayra goes with him and it helps when he tells me that she actually has some medical training from Erudite. She had been hoping that would have allowed her to gain a position here in Dauntless before she found out about cuts.

I don't tell him this, because I don't want to get his hopes up, but there may even be a chance that Amity will allow Mayra to stay there permanently if she's skilled enough to help out in their healthcare facility. It's the one loophole that is used regularly by Amity. As long as the factionless person is doing some kind of work for them then they can be allowed to offer them shelter.

Zach soon shows up and ends my time with Edward. I watch with a heavy heart as he stands up and turns to where Zach is standing in the doorway again, waiting to escort him back to his room until it's time for him to leave Dauntless for good. Before he gets there he stops and turns back to face me again.

"Kat, you're smart enough to know that one way to go with things after this would be to fly under their radar, but I don't think it's going to work with whoever it was that attacked you. I don't think it was all just you being the top ranked initiate that had them going after you, and I also have a feeling that Tris might be a target eventually. So don't let those bastards stop you from being at the top. Be alert...and remember what I said about catching the assholes that did this to us. Maybe you can do what the leaders couldn't."

The door closes behind Edward, leaving me alone with my anger, sadness and pain. I curl up into a ball on the bed and let it all go in a flood of tears until exhaustion takes me under.

****Worth Fighting For****

They keep me in the clinic for another full day.

I probably would have been let go sooner if it weren't for the few times I had to be woken up from yet another terrible nightmare that had me screaming and fighting anything within range. Each time it happened I would have to be given some of the healing meds to help with the damage to my throat. The last time this happened they followed through on a threat to knock me out with enough drugs that it wouldn't happen again.

When I wake up I feel better physically but emotionally, I'm a total mess. Despite being under heavy medication that prevented me from showing any signs of the nightmares, they still happened. I couldn't for the life of me describe what they had been about but what I do know is they have me on the edge of a breakdown.

I can feel it.

It's a clawing panic that is simmering just around the jagged edge of control I'm trying to hang onto. I'm mostly able to push it to the side but I can't get rid of the feeling completely. Especially since everything about what's going on reminds me too much of the torment I experienced at Marcus's hands. Never knowing when he would strike or how it would happen.

Not to mention there was that time when he…

I shiver and muffle a sob with my hand as I try and force the memory back behind the walls where it, and many others like it, live. Once they've been locked away again I take calming breaths.

In through my nose.

Out through my mouth.

It helps some...but I don't know if it will be enough.

The only time this feeling hasn't hovered so heavily over me was when I woke up during the deep of night and looked over to see Eric in the chair beside my bed. He didn't notice I was awake at first, he was too absorbed in something on his phone. One arm was propped up on my bed, just barely brushing against where my hand lay. I couldn't resist reaching out and that was enough to get his attention. He looked at me, startled, but instantly attentive. His phone was promptly set down and he moved to take one hand while the other went to my head where he made gentle soothing motions. I fought to stay awake and soak in the warmth of his presence and he could tell I was struggling.

"It's okay, kitten. I've got you. I need you to just rest and get better for me." He murmured while he leaned forward and brushed his lips against my forehead.

It was easier for me to settle with him beside me, even when I was asleep I could tell he was there...and I could definitely tell when he wasn't.

I've just had my final checkup with Shauna. It's a little past breakfast time and I'm being allowed to go join the others. She brought me food along with the last dose of throat spray serum I have to take. There was also a warning about what will happen if I try to talk before the specified time I've been given.

After I assured her I understood and didn't want that to happen either, she handed over my clothes and bag of toiletries that were brought in for me to clean up then get changed into.

I'm finally going to be able to join the others. My sister and friends have all been kept updated on my status and when I could be released so I know they'll be anxiously waiting for me in the Pit.

Tris, understandably, was very upset when I still hadn't been released like she was first informed I would be. Mostly because that was the same time as the ones leaving were escorted out. Shauna said she had a minor meltdown at this. It was bad enough that Shauna decided to have Four bring Tris by so she could look in on me to see for herself that I'm okay and still here.

I knew that there were still orders to keep me isolated and guarded even though the investigation into the attack was officially closed. I am extremely grateful for her allowing that, despite it having been asleep when Tris came by. What worries me the most is what being left in the dark all that time before then might have caused Tris to do or say.

I had been so close to having a major panic attack when Shauna mentioned showering and I couldn't explain it if I even tried. It felt like I was leaving myself to open and vulnerable, like anyone could come in here and I would be completely defenceless. Logically I knew that she wouldn't let anyone come into the room and even if they tried there was also the guard still stationed outside my door. It wasn't until she informed me that it's policy for her to be in the room just in case I got dizzy or needed any help. There was even a red emergency cord on the metal handrail that bolted to the tiled wall that I could pull to alert the nurses if I needed help.

After that I didn't fight Shauna's suggestion to get cleaned up in the room's private shower. It's honestly not fancy or even much better than the one in the dorm, although it is certainly much cleaner. There's a plastic chair in the middle of the shower that she set up for me expecting me to not be able to stand up for long. I stubbornly avoid using it at first until I get tired just from the effort of standing much less cleaning myself. I curse as I give in and lower myself into it with a sigh of relief escaping me.

For a second I just close my eyes and let the water cascade over me. Starting from the top of my head, down to my neck and shoulders and then further down my back. The water pressure isn't enough to work on the knots that have me feeling tense but I do relax under the heat of the water and the steam billowing around me.

I exhale a breath then open my eyes so I can begin finishing washing my hair. The panic and fear starts to recede and frustration at my condition turns to anger that I'm once again feeling like that scared little girl I once was.

I promised myself I would never again allow someone to have that power over me...but that's exactly what I'm doing right now.

By the time I'm done with my shower and ready to get dressed I've managed to work my anger up to a low boil. I'm able to control it, even when I get a good look at myself in the mirror for the first time and see the reminders of the attack.

The bruises on my neck aren't as bad as I imagine they had been at first. All those advanced meds they've been pumping into me have done a fair job of lessening the bruising all over my body. But I can still clearly see that what's on my neck are the result of someone attempting to strangle me. The fading blue-black marks look more like an image in a rorschach, but I can make out the fingers that caused them. Large meaty fingers by the looks of them.

Once again I search my mind for anything that might tell me who did this, any kind of detail no matter how small. Once again I come up empty regarding that. I have recovered small bits from the time of the attack but they seem to be almost dreamlike, so I'm unsure if they are real or not.

The only thing I'm sure about is that I don't plan on letting that ever happen again. However, I'm also sure that even the best laid plans can go wrong. So maybe it might be better to go on the offense to make sure something like this never happens again. That would require having an idea who the person...or people who did this were…

That would require more thought and planning than I'm capable of at the moment.

I sigh and finish getting dressed. I'm ready to get out of here. Ready to see my sister and friends again. Ready to be able to do something that is actually useful rather than be stuck in the torment of my own mind. In order to keep sane...or just from blowing up on someone at the drop of a hat I need to find an outlet for my anger.

I know Shauna put me on a no talking restriction...but she said nothing about a training restriction.