Chapter 59 - Way Down We Go

~I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair~

[Hurt; Johnny Cash]

Eric

The rumor mill in Dauntless is grinding right now, trying to come up with theories on what happened in the dorm the night of the attack. I usually don't give a shit about what they have to say but in this instance, I can't just dismiss or shut all the gossip and rumors that plague the faction as I've done in the past.

The tension within the compound from those who live and work here is palpable. The first day after the attack it wasn't as noticeable, at least not to me anyway. Then again, I was going back and forth between jobs. The main one was trying to come up with something in the investigation that could give me someone to blame but not finding anything. Of course, that was just making me even more upset about the situation.

Then there were the frequent emails and communications I was forced to have with Jeanine, having to placate her and assure her I would find who was responsible. The only reason she actually cared about finding who did this was because it endangered her plans for her 'chosen candidates' and the experiments that many of the ultimate goals for the city hinged on. The remainder of what she wants to do to Kat and my inability to protect her, much less even find who hurt her in the first place, has me on the edge of snapping.

The rumors that filter to me in hushed whispers whenever I wander into the Pit and other populated areas are not helping that anger.

"We know no one else was in that room other than the transfers, so it was one of them."

"I still say it was Eric. Have you seen the way she looks after his morning punishments?"

"Maybe it was the girl and the guy she stabbed fought back?"

"Who fucking cares! I'm tired of hearing about it. Let them kill each other off. If they don't make it then they don't belong."

The conversation I heard while grabbing some lunch to take back to my office and eat while I worked is just one example of the few things circulating around here. It stuck with me, bouncing around in my mind and sitting in my stomach like a heavy weight.

The accusation that I was responsible for the attack, I brushed that away immediately. It's not unusual for the blame to fall on me for anything and everything, besides I've heard more than a few comments about my supposed treatment of Kat from the beginning. Yeah, it sucks but I would rather that, opposed to having anyone trying to say shit about her not having earned that first rank all on her own.

What upsets me the most about that overheard conversation, firstly, was the implication that Kat had anything to do with the attack on Edward. I guess I should have expected that to be part of the speculation because honestly, everyone in that room is suspect until they can be proven otherwise.

I still didn't like the finger being pointed at her.

The second thing that upsets me was the comment about letting them kill each other off. I know the guy who made it, and I know that he has little time or patience for anyone so the gossip going on around him probably sparked that response out of impatience. That doesn't mean he didn't believe what he said though. Even worse is that I know that there are many who have that same mentality here in Dauntless.

Not everyone thinks like that, thankfully, but enough that it gives me pause and makes me think hard about how far Dauntless has gone away from the core beliefs. The Dauntless members that are Max's age or older are gruff and hardened, but they also have a strong sense of fair play and justice. I've heard more than a few grumblings from them about how things used to be and how they aren't happy with the direction things are going now. I don't know when exactly the change in attitude really occurred, or even why, but the Dauntless that followed is a different breed of Dauntless from the old-timers.

It's disturbing to realize that I haven't been much better.

I remember Kat's story about the ones Abnegation call the fallen...and it makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on with the disappearances from Dauntless. Or how many of those were people that just couldn't stand the kill or be killed mentality that pervaded the faction, so they cut their losses and decided to take their chances with the factionless?

How many reports have crossed my desk reporting a death or disappearance? After the first few years of being a leader, I stopped counting or wondering why there were so many. I couldn't be bothered to care about it. I had more important things on my mind than some coward that decided to abandon their posts because they couldn't handle the pressure of their jobs anymore.

I know there have been a few instances where I've helped encourage someone to leave or made them disappear on my own, but those had been cases where they committed some crime and were going to get away with it. It hadn't sat right with me, especially when it came to instances of sexual assault. That hit too damn close to home to allow that shit to go unpunished.

Then I remember Kat telling me about what happened to Amar and it makes me question if there are more like him and what the real reason behind is leaving could have been.

It feels like Dauntless is close to burning down around our ears and I don't know how to reverse the course we seem to be set on traveling down. Making matters worse is knowing that I had a hand in the state we're in. I might not be completely to blame but being second in command I've had a large say in the direction we're taking.

How would things be if I hadn't been such a willing, and pathetically blind, lapdog for Jeanine?

This is the mood and the state of mind I walk into the Pit with only to find the tension even worse than before. It's coming from the groupings of initiates hanging around there. They're all whispering and on edge, which is mostly understandable and I can deal with. They're also glancing at each other with suspicion and fear, which disgusts me and pisses me off.

I spot the group I'm more concerned about and walk closer with a sneer on my face. Tris isn't with Kat's little group of friends but she's not far from them. They're all watching her as she's talking to Four.

Well, I say talking but that's not what's happening. Once again the stiff is showing she has not an ounce of self-preservation as she stands there loudly demanding to know things that just aren't her fucking business to know.

But what really set me off is when she starts laying into Four about one of the rumors going around, the one that upsets me the most.

"Once again I was kept from being with my sister or even seeing her. I didn't even know she was attacked until three hours after it even happened! Now I'm hearing it being said that she was the one that attacked Edward! Are you really just going to let them say things like that about Kat when we all know she couldn't have possibly been the one to do that to Edward? Is that what Dauntless does, just ignores the most logical likelihood and where the evidence is pointing? Like how the hell would she have been able to use chloroform on herself? And don't even get me started on the theory that she strangled herself to make it look like she was attacked. That's such bullshit! This is all…"

Somewhere in her rant, I sidled closer when I realized Four wasn't going to do a damn thing to stop her from running her mouth and putting herself even further in danger.

"Initiate," He barks out, stopping her. Of course, it's only when he finally catches sight of me moving towards them that he decided to intervene. "There isn't any evidence to clearly identify anyone involved in the attacks on either of the initiates." His voice is slightly raised like if the others hear his words it will help to dispel the rumor that Kat is involved but his piss poor explanation isn't going to do a damn bit of good.

His eyes lift to mine when my expression morphs into a snarl and I realize that there is a bit more whispering going on around us.

"As far as why you weren't allowed to see your sister…" His eyes flick back up to me for a second but I can't read the expression in them before he looks back at Tris and finishes. "There were two reasons. The first is that the nurse in charge of her care determined it would be detrimental to her recovery. The second reason is that it's standard procedure that anyone in an incident is required to be isolated until there can be some kind of resolution...this is for their own protection."

Tris has her back turned to me but I can tell from the set of her shoulders and the way she huffs in response that she isn't allowing herself to be talked down from the snit she's worked herself up into.

"And the resolution was nothing! You just had your second-ranked initiate stabbed in the eye while your first ranked…"

I've hit my limit of patience for this shit show and there wasn't much of it to begin with considering everything going on right now. Tris mentioning my failure to either protect her sister or find who is responsible is the last straw.

"I believe I've cautioned you about that mouth of yours before, Stiff." I sneer and come to a stop to the side of Four and Tris while I look down at her. "You aren't exactly all that bright are you?" I smirk cruelly at her while letting my voice carry. I'm well aware more eyes are on her than should be, ones she brought on herself, so I need to shut this and her down quickly.

She looks up at me in a manner so similar to Kat that it's like being hit in the gut. She doesn't bother hiding the righteous anger and fire in her eyes before her expression flashes to disgust while looking at me. I make my expression blank, all except cold eyes being locked on her, while I seethe out my response

"Edward is no longer my second-ranked initiate. He's considered disabled and a liability so he's been removed. Dauntless can't afford to and will never cater to the weak. Obviously, if he truly were strong enough he wouldn't be making his home among the factionless."

I should stop there.

I've shut her down and made my point.

I should walk away now.

It's when the disgust once again crawls over her face, mirroring how I'm feeling about myself at the moment, that I disregard what I should do and lash out at the only person in my sight at the moment. I lean forward, closer to her, with a cruel smile twisting my lips, and give in to the need to hurt someone like I'm hurting inside.

"Maybe you should be worrying about yourself a bit more, Stiff. Imagine if that happened to him what can happen to someone as pitiful as you?" I rear back at her stricken expression and look over the groups listening in and not even bothering to hide it. "Everyone needs to watch their backs around here."

My words don't make me feel any better, they feel wrong and sicken me further. Everything about the things going on right now is all wrong. I try to saunter away like I don't give a shit about anything or anyone. I intend to head out, away from the Pit until I remember why I even came in the first place and that was because Kat is being released and coming here to meet with the others. I only realize that because she's already here.

Kat's standing off by herself with Peter lurking behind her. She didn't make it to her group of friends but she made it close to enough to hear us talking. I don't know if she heard the entire exchange but I know from the look in her eye that she definitely heard my words at least.

I expect her to get angry with me, to call me out on my callous words, or how fucked up all of this is. What I don't expect is for her to not react at all or for the hollow dead look in her eyes as she turns and walks away from me.

I stand there frozen for a second, knowing that if I don't do something then I'll have lost her as surely as if she had been taken away from me.

~And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt~

[Hurt; Johnny Cash]

Kat

"Edward is no longer my second-ranked initiate. He's considered disabled and a liability so he has been removed. Dauntless can't afford to and will never cater to the weak. Obviously, if he truly were strong enough he wouldn't be making his home among the factionless."

Those are the words I hear being spoken to my sister as I finally arrive in the Pit to meet up with her and the others.

It had taken me longer than I expected to get ready and leave. Shauna wanted to do one more check up on me while explaining the meds she was handing over to Zach, who came with Peter to be my escort. It was somewhere in that time that another wave of panic started to take over me and I had to make a hurried escape to the bathroom to splash water over my face.

But the panic and anger still hovered despite my efforts to calm them. Now I find myself walking into what appears to be a confrontation with my sister and Eric...

"Maybe you should be worrying about yourself a bit more, Stiff. Imagine if that happened to him what can happen to someone as pitiful as you?"

His lips are twisted cruelly and the words are just as cruel and snide.

I feel something clawing inside my mind...trying to break free. I slam my eyes shut hoping that will drive it back behind my walls then gasp as if punched when his next words shred my walls completely.

"Everyone needs to watch their backs around here."

It's Eric's voice, but when I open my eyes back up that's not who I see standing in front of me. I don't see the man that made me feel safe enough to keep my nightmares at bay. He's no longer that man. He's becoming something...someone...else.

Marcus sneers cruelly at me as I try to crawl away, gasping for breath. My hands and knees are bleeding from scraping against the ground and on the rough gravel. I'm trying to protect myself from the hits and kicks of the men assaulting me but I'm still disoriented from whatever they used to get me out of the house with no one the wiser. I'm also trying to keep quiet despite how scared I am and how much pain I'm in. I can't let my parents or sister hear me with my house being close. Marcus hadn't even bothered to have them take me farther than behind the house after taking me from my bed in the dead of the night. He's letting me know how easy it is to get to me and anyone else he wants to.

'You have your mother to thank for this, Mary Katherine. She was able to arrange for you to be assigned to other responsibilities but nothing will keep you from your punishments. Remember that, and think about how easy it will be for me to include your sweet sister if you get any more ideas in your mind about avoiding me. You're never going to be able to get away...you belong to me now.'

Eric turns and walks away from Tris, his eyes cold and uncaring.

He turns and walks away but not without watching me take two more kicks to the stomach and chuckles cruelly at my inability to stop myself from retching into the ground from the pain.

Reality and the past are waging a war right now but I'm not sure who will win and I don't stick around to find out.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

I shake Zach off and bolt away from the Pit. It feels like the stone walls of the corridor I'm barreling down are closing in on me, making that panicked feeling even worse.

Emotions are colliding inside of me, the part that cannot tolerate giving up and not fighting is raging at me to fight back. How do I fight the ghosts of my mind though? I can't, and the only option would be to take that fight to those around me.

Because of this I know I'm not safe to be around...so I run.

I hate this feeling! I hate feeling out of control or helpless and this is all of that...just so much worse. Because it's not about the attack that just happened. That only seemed to open a door to a long and very buried memory of an event I forced myself to forget and I've never dealt with it.

I couldn't deal with it.

It's not like I could have just told someone what was going on. I learned the hard way what that resulted in. I couldn't fight back, that only made things worse for me when I did. Not to mention the threats of what he would do to my family if I didn't take my punishments to his satisfaction.

I felt so helpless back then. I hated it...and myself for allowing those things to happen to me.

Now I'm feeling just as helpless as I had back then and it makes me so angry. I should have been safer here. I should have been getting strong enough to fight back if anyone ever tried to do what they had to me back there.

I shouldn't have to keep my mouth shut and take it like I had done in the past. I refuse to do that!

I'm still stumbling my way down the darker corridor when I hear steps approaching fast behind me and instinct makes me quicken mine to get further away. My hackles are raised and I'm trying to reign in my need to lash out and fight whatever is making me feel that way.

"Kat!" Eric's voice booms behind me.

I cringe realizing he's chasing me. My heart rate picks up and is beating wildly. The dark around me starts to develop a red tinge at the edges of my vision...one I know all too well and it makes me panic even more.

I can't stop or let him catch up to me. I don't know what will happen if I do. I'm losing my grasp on the need to fight back.

"Initiate, you will stop this instant!" He barks out the order even while closing in on me.

I feel the heat of his hand before it makes contact with my elbow and he jerks me to a halt. For a second it throws me off. The familiarity of his touch and the comfort it usually brought me.

For a second, I think I'm going to be okay but the minute he yanks me around to face him and I see the snarl from earlier on his face through a haze of red, I know it's a mistake.

Something happens.

All my control is torn away from me and I resolve to make whoever dared to make me feel this way again pay. The part of me that hates being that way is relegated to watching behind its own wall and can only watch this other side of me in horror.

The aim is to hurt him, to fight back, but the weapons being used are my words. He tries to calmly stop me from talking at first, tries to apologize and explain what happened in the Pit. I dismiss his apology, telling him that actions speak louder than words and inform him how much he reminds me of a certain man...a monster.

I don't outright call him one himself but I insinuate it. I let too much slip when I compare them...him and Marcus Eaton.

I see the pain in his eyes the entire time, the part of me in charge revels in it. I don't flinch when the rage he feels at my accusations and admissions breaks out of him and he spins away from me and slams one of his fists into the stone wall.

I knew in the back of my mind I was taking it too far but I didn't stop until he made me with one hand over my mouth and the other on my throat. Even with me swinging verbal barbs at him, purposely trying to hurt him, he was more worried about my own pain that I've been ignoring.

It's in that moment of quiet when my rage started to subside that the look in Eric's eyes finally broke through to me. That's also when Four finds us in the hallway with my back flat against the wall and Eric in front of me with his hand holding me by the throat.

I know how this has to look to Four. He can't tell that the hand on my mouth isn't there to hurt me but to keep me from hurting myself. From his vantage point, he can't tell that what Eric is doing is softly running his thumb over the bruises on my neck.

Four barks out a command for Eric to release me, breaking the quiet and easing of the storm inside me. It's still all there, just simmering instead of raging.

Eric lets his hands fall and takes a step back from me with an expression that almost seems lost.

"Come over here, Kat." Four beckons me to him and takes a few steps forward towards us to shorten that distance. His eyes are on Eric though, watching him warily and like he's prepared to jump between us if Eric tries to hurt me again.

He doesn't realize that I'm the one he needs to be wary of or that the only person here that was doing any damage was me.

Eric never takes his eyes off me, not even when I do something else I know will hurt him. Not only did I walk away but I walked away to Four. I felt his eyes on us as I allowed myself to be guided in the opposite direction but I didn't look back. I couldn't look back knowing that this act would hurt him more than anything of the things I said had.

With each step the anger waned, leaving me with the aftermath I knew would be coming. The heavy weight of guilt and self-loathing settles over me, leaving me numb to any other kind of feeling.

I don't fight when Four leads me right back to the clinic I had just left. I don't pay attention to his reaction when he and Shauna discover blood smeared on my neck and I only shake my head when they ask me if it is mine. He seems to realize that it could only have been Eric's, but he doesn't choose to relay this to Shauna.

She isn't happy about what she finds when she examines me. I had, of course, aggravated the injury. I was given a concoction to drink that included a steroid and tasted horrible. I would have been made to stay another night but she decided to release me as long as I promised, again, not to talk. I didn't try to fight her on anything, I just took whatever she gave me and agreed to whatever she said without complaint.

I had no more fight in me.

When I did finally make it to my friends, Lynn took one look at me and suggested that we all go to their dorm and hang out instead of whatever they might have planned. They mostly let me lay in Lynn's bed resting while I listen to them talking. Mar left shortly after we arrived on an errand to get a few things to do our nails. Uri rounded up a few games, including a deck of cards.

It was easy to convince them I was too tired to play and they left me to sleep in peace. Tris stayed close and kept an eye on me. She also played translator for me when I did engage in conversation. Since we both learned sign language from the same person, she understood me perfectly and otherwise saved us from having to find some paper and pen.

Shortly after I had been released Hannah, Zeke and Uri's mom, stopped by the dorm to check in on us. I hadn't had much of a chance to talk to the older woman until then, and I didn't get to do any talking during her visit but her presence was nice. Comforting even. It was almost like having my mom there with me and for a little while I felt better.

Shauna apparently got together with Hannah and arranged for some lunch for our small group instead of having to go to the dining hall for it or spend any of our points at one of the other places. The menu seemed to be based on things that I might be able to handle and was simple enough. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I was able to manage the tomato soup but I couldn't manage much beyond a nibble of my grilled cheese. Uri ended up happily eating what I couldn't.

I only left the dorm for dinner and what little improvement my mood made all but vanished when I got there to only find Zach. Chase and Eric are nowhere to be seen in the dining hall. Most of the others involved in training are here so that suggested their absence wasn't due to something involving initiation.

Zach's at the usual table and the space beside him is open. I'm surprised when he indicates for me to sit there and even more surprised when I see he's looking at me worriedly.

He takes out his phone as I arrange my stuff on the tray then hands it over to me after getting my attention again. I see he's pulled up the same type of application I had been using to communicate on the tablet with a question waiting for me.

'Are you okay?'

I frown and look at him from the corner of my eye. I can't help wondering if he knows what happened with me and Eric earlier, because if he did there's no way he would be asking me that right now.

Not after I did what I did to his friend.

He nudges my arm with his elbow, his frown getting deeper and the worry clouding his eyes. I swallow and shrug then type in my reply. I didn't bother trying to lie, all I could say was that I would be with time.

There weren't many things being served for dinner that I could eat but they were things I normally would have been happy about. I went with the mashed potatoes and Salisbury steak with gravy even though I knew I wouldn't be able to do more than a few bites of potato if I was lucky. Now I'm just pushing things around on my plate, half-heartedly listening to conversations going on around me. I'm listless and unsettled having to sit here and having my friends and sister constantly eyeing me in concern isn't helping.

I can practically feel Tris's concern growing during dinner. From time to time I caught her frown as she looked over at me and I wondered if she knew that my tiredness was probably more because of depression setting in. It wasn't like I was about to tell her, it would only make her worry more.

Besides, I didn't want someone trying to help me right now, not when I felt like I deserved this.

Uri suggests another movie night and they look to me for my opinion.

'It doesn't matter to me, a movie should be fine.' I reply, but in no way do I really want to watch a movie. I also don't want my friends to be upset or worried any more than they have been.

She translates for my friends then another debate begins about what movie to watch until Tris ends my involvement by firmly stating she's taking me to our dorm and calling it a night. She says it with so much authority and eyes Uri so hard it makes him gulp and nod in agreement.

I don't try to argue either, instead, I let her lead me from the dining hall, through the Pit, and to our dorm. At the edge of the Pit area, just before we get to the corridor that leads to our dorm, we pass Eric and Chase. They looked to be just getting to the Pit themselves.

I would have missed him completely if I hadn't looked up at that particular moment...and that's all we had before he passed out of sight again. That one look was enough to send me spinning back into the darkness with a heavy heart full of dark thoughts and memories.

They carried over from the waking world and stalked me in my dreams.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

I find myself lost. Running down dark winding hallways, bouncing off of walls that are cold and unforgiving in nature. I can feel the blood welling from the scrapes on my hands as I claw at the walls. My bare knees fare no better and I feel the stinging bite on them as I stumble over divots and cracks that take me to my knees.

Part of my mind knows that I should stop and that there is no real danger hunting me even now that I'm awake. The other part of me is still locked in that nightmare that forced me out of my bed and fleeing the dorm.

It was a desperate attempt to escape my own mind and the images there. Images of the nightmare, which took memories and twisted them together making them worse than ever before. Images of the attack, where the face flickered between Marcus and Eric being the attacker. Images of my past and all the cruel things Marcus has said and done to me.

I don't know how I'm able to avoid running into more people than I have. There's only been one person that had the misfortune to encounter me. I don't know who they were, but whoever it was they tried to be helpful when I fell to the ground. All they got in return was me fighting them like a woman possessed.

That's exactly what I feel like. Possessed and a danger to anyone else but mostly a danger to myself. My headlong run has no real destination until I hear the raging waters of the Chasm nearby. I dart towards it then burst from the corridor and stumble to a stop.

I'm panting frantically, my pulse wild. The open space where the raging waters are located helps to drive away some of the claustrophobic feelings I had. I close my eyes and will myself to calm down. Counting as I breathe in and out slowly. When I feel dizzy and off-center I move further away from the waters.

Sometimes when I get like this it helps when I have my back against something solid while I curl in to try and make myself small and unnoticeable. It makes me feel less vulnerable and open to attack. I close my eyes and try to use my focus technique.

It feels like a losing battle. Every time I close them I'm assaulted by the images over and over again. Tears are running down my face and shudders wrack my body as I start to shake for some unknown reason.

I'm tired of this war going on inside my head. It's a never-ending battle that I can't seem to win. I'm tired of trying to keep it all inside and pretend everything is okay. I'm tired of feeling so lost and alone.

I don't know how long I'm sitting here when I hear a voice calling me back from the darkness. I raise my head then look through swollen and blurry eyes to find Zach crouched in front of me.

"Zach?" I blink at first, making sure this is real but when I open my eyes back up I lurch forward with a sob.

"It's okay, Kat." He catches me and murmurs while he wraps me up in his arms and holds me close. I'm crying harder now while trying to choke out what's going on with me.

"Zach, I don't know…I can't.."

"Remember no talking, princess." He hushes me and gently grips my shoulders, moving me back enough to look at me. "I have a tablet back at my apartment that we can use, okay?" His forehead is wrinkled in worry as he takes me in.

I nod and reach up a shaky hand to swipe at my eyes, embarrassment filling me when I realize we aren't alone. Peter is standing behind him looking at me with just as much as worry as Zach is. His lips are thinned though as if he's also angry about something. That's when I notice his lip bleeding and scratches on his face and neck.

My eyes widened in shock when the memory surfaces of encountering someone in my flight from the dorm. It hadn't registered who it was at the time but now I realize it was Peter, trying to help me up and asking me what was wrong. The scratches and split lip was my return answer.

"Thanks for coming to get me, Peter. Go ahead and do what I asked you to then meet us at my apartment. I have her from here." Zach looks over his shoulder at Peter and addresses him.

Peter glances at him for a second before looking back at me, still looking worried and apprehensive before turns and lopes off without another word other than nodding to Zach.

"Let's get you to my place and into something decent." He sighs out before starting to stand up and helping me to as well.

I don't realize until he points it out that I'm just in the clothes I went to sleep in. I hadn't bothered to do more than take my pants and shirt off, leaving me in the tank top I had under the shirt and my boxer like underwear. Even in the state I'm in I still flush in embarrassment from having been running around like this in Dauntless.

We walk to his apartment with his arm around my shoulder and me leaning against him. With each new corridor we have to cross or turn we take, I become more and more aware of my state of undress and how awkward it is trying to keep more exposure to a minimum. He chuckles at my attempts to try and shield my body.

"This is Dauntless, princess. People have been known to wear a lot less than that before and that's not even counting the people that decide to go streaking through the Pit." He says after we finally round the last corner and are a couple of doors away from his apartment.

'I'm pretty certain those instances were alcohol-fueled and not the result of a crazed girl running around attacking anything in sight.' Having found out at dinner Zach knows sign language too, I reply to that.

It's a weak attempt at humor and even though it falls very flat he still smiles a bit. Even if it is full of worry.

"I wouldn't be too sure of that. I have seen strange things in my time here." I can tell he actually means that from his tone and the look in his eyes like he's remembering something at the moment.

'Are you going to share?' I ask before he opens his door.

He turns to look at me meaningfully and replies. "You first, Kat." and I know he's not just letting me go into the apartment ahead of him.

Part of me wants to turn and run rather than dredge up the past but the other part knows that I can't keep running. My past won't let me leave it buried and trying to is just becoming a weakness I can't afford. Those are the logical reasons I know I should talk to Zach.

The real reason I decide it's time is because I'm so tired of running, so tired of feeling alone in all this and I need someone to be on my side for once.

I walk in and take a shaky breath before I stop a few steps in then turn to face him and nod.

'I'm ready.'