Chapter 60 - Heavy

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

If I just let go, I'd be set free

Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?~

{Heavy, Linkin Park}

Eric

A short rap on my office door brings a scowl to my face. I don't want to be disturbed and thought I had made that pretty clear. The only people who would ignore my warning are either Max, Chase, or Zach. Given what happened this morning my money is on Zach, so I'm a bit surprised when it's Chase who walks in.

I grunt by way of greeting and look back down at my desk.

"I brought lunch," He announces even as he sits the paper bag containing the food down on my desk.

"Not hungry," I grumble, still now looking at him.

He sighs but still opens then starts to unload the damn bag, placing shit in front of me. "Yeah, well...you're going to eat because I promised Zach I would make sure you did. Be happy I didn't decide on pizza loaded with my favorite toppings."

I give him the stink eye, inwardly cursing myself for ever daring him to try that combination to begin with, only for him to actually love it. I barely manage not to shudder at the thought of the smell of kimchi and garlic lingering in my office for days afterward.

"Whatever," I snarl then pause as I look over at my friend. "Did Zach send you to keep me away from the dining hall for lunch?"

He plops down in his seat looking tired and shakes his head. "No, we knew you weren't likely to want to go there anyway. Especially since she's not even going to be there herself."

"What? Why? I thought Shauna released her with only a few meds!"

"She was released but her friends are keeping her in the Dauntless-born dorm for the day. Zeke said Kat's resting while the others occupy themselves. I was going to pick up food for them too when I grabbed ours but they already had it covered." He hurriedly informs me, trying to stop me from getting any more worked up most likely.

I toss the pen I had in my hand to the table, giving up the pretense of trying to work, then slump back into my chair. I'm relieved that this is one worry off my mind. Her friends will make sure she rests and eats. I know they will also make sure she doesn't aggravate her injury any more than she did this morning. It doesn't lessen the ache inside or the need to see to those things myself.

I have enough sense to realize that just as much as I want to do all that, I'm still furious enough that I know it's better that we have space. I'm a goddamn mess right now so it's likely that anything I do or say would just end up fucking things up even more than they already are.

The thing that primarily held me back when I had to watch her walk away from me in that corridor was the shock of how she reacted and the things she said. It was also the fact that an overwhelming rage I had at the entire situation elevated dangerously when Four became involved.

Since then I haven't wanted to think about what happened, much less talk to anyone, which is why I've been holed up in my office. I don't know how much he heard but Chase showed up shortly after Kat walked away. Part of me wants to vent to my friend, find out his thoughts about the things she let slip. The bigger part of me just wants to keep it all inside and save it to use later.

"Look, I appreciate your bringing lunch but I don't want to talk about shit right now," I inform him.

He shrugs casually and reaches for his food. "Fine by me. I actually came by to see if you wanted to help me get the obstacle course and repelling wall set up for when we start the initiates on it."

I hesitate for a minute, debating his request. It's busy work which is good but it will involve having to interact with others...even if I know it will be mostly with Chase. However, sitting in this damn office stewing and not getting shit done quickly lost its appeal shortly after I got here.

"Fine," I grumble then reach forward for my food when I see him settling in to eat his.

I know his offer is really just a ploy to keep me busy and that's okay because I need it. Later, I will probably call on one or both of my brothers so we can talk about the things I learned about Kat's past with Marcus Eaton, but not right now. Until then I would use the distraction and hopefully get my thoughts organized.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

It's quiet in my apartment. Too quiet. It was a mistake to send Chase and Zach on their way for the night instead of allowing them to keep me company. But talking with them hadn't helped me as much as I hoped it would. We just went over the same suspicions we've had from the start. That was all we could do since Kat hadn't really confirmed anything, just more hints of the things we already assumed probably occurred.

When she taunted me to hurt her, saying it wasn't anything she wasn't used to from people in positions of power. She didn't have to say his name for me to know she was talking about Marcus.

When she sneered out in disgust that she should have known it wouldn't be any different here, I could see her directing all of that disgust at me.

Then came the comparisons between me and Marcus followed by more taunts and goading me to do my worst to see if I could do what she didn't let him do to her.

Again...she didn't say what specifically that had been...but I saw her scars and we've all seen just how she is about pain or being hurt. She ignores it and carries on...because that's what she's been forced to do.

The last thing she had to say to me, and the look of complete betrayal in her eyes when she said it, has been much harder to dismiss here in the dark of my apartment now that I'm alone. My brothers attempted to convince me that she hadn't really meant any of that. She was hurting and lashed out.

They pointed out she's done this before, and I know they're right. I remember very clearly how she handled Peter Hayes just before his fight with her sister. Zach also rationalized that Kat's response to me this morning was most likely as...vicious...as it was because once again she was trying to protect her sister. It's the way Kat is wired, to attack anyone that is a threat to those she cares about and she definitely saw my words to Tris as a threat.

Logically I know all this, but it doesn't stop what I'm feeling. It doesn't stop the hurt she could think of me that way or the unsettling belief that she's right to be afraid of me. Finally, I couldn't take hashing out the same shit just in different words so I called it a night and sent them on their way home.

They didn't argue much when I told them I was fine but tired and would probably be heading to bed myself. It's true that I hadn't gotten much sleep since the night Kat was attacked and I have every intention of doing that. I indulge in a nice long hot shower then get dressed for bed. However, despite the exhaustion sleep just isn't coming.

I guess I should have seen that coming because as soon as my brothers were gone I started to spiral.

I try to fight it off. I start doing the things I normally do to keep the darkness at bay when I'm like this but I have a feeling it's not going to work.

My first mistake is when I try to do busywork. I start out with the task of cleaning the plethora of weapons I have here. This is usually a very relaxing activity for me. It's calmed me in the past to the point that it almost serves as a form of mediation for me now. During this exercise, I'm able to clear my mind and balance out my emotions.

Tonight it doesn't work that way. Instead of clearing my mind, it seems to become flooded with thoughts. Ones concerning Marcus Eaton, old and new, keep circling around as I move from sharpening the edges of my blades to disassembling and cleaning my guns. It probably doesn't help that I'm feeling utterly fucking useless in being able to bring him to justice for what we suspect he's done to her. Just like he got away with what he did to his own son.

I can't help but think back to before I even transferred from Erudite and the night Jeanine came to me with a new objective.

I'd known for a few years that she was looking for anything she could to bring the Abnegation leader down and not just so she could gain control of the city. No, for her it had always been personal. Even if I didn't, and still don't, know why. All I cared about at the time was the blame I placed on his faction for the death of my parents. Taking him down was always going to be my goal because of that belief.

Then the night of the aptitude tests she came to me with a new objective to add to my list, because she got word that Tobias Eaton's result was Dauntless. Jeanine was sure that the rumor of Marcus's treatment of his son was likely to be true and that could make him a possible ally. If not, then she wanted me to find any dirt that could be used against both of them to take them out, like for instance, suspected divergence.

None of that happened, obviously, given they are both still breathing and Marcus was never charged with anything.

Most of my hatred of Four is because of this fact and I place the blame squarely on his shoulders. Although I do have to admit that part of the reason it never happened is because of the fact that whenever any allegations have been laid out regarding a possible crime, or even just solid concerns, regarding Marcus it always ends up disappearing almost immediately for various reasons. Quite a few of those investigations, witnesses included, disappeared under questionable circumstances.

Despite the fact that those of us in initiation with Four saw the scars on his back before he got them covered with tattoos, the abuse allegations couldn't stick. One reason was because he was closed-mouthed and refused to confirm the abuse even when one of his fear sims turned out to be more memory than simulation.

As far as Jeanine hinting at a possible alliance with him, that got shot down from the start. Four had well and truly pissed me off before the first month of initiation was even over. It didn't help that I felt nothing but disgust at his cowardice by refusing to acknowledge or admit to the abuse he so obviously endured.

Now the same thing is going to happen with Kat. I know she won't admit to what he's done. Chase even pointed out that she's dead set on handling him on her own. Though I can understand, even somewhat appreciate on a certain level, her need to handle it on her own to get vengeance...it scares the hell out of me and pisses me off.

Something I don't need to be feeling with an arsenal of weapons at my disposal because it's inspiring some very dark ideas of who I can use them on.

It's very, very tempting. I've had a plan in the back of my mind for fucking years on how to finally erase the blight on my existence named Tobias Eaton. I think the only real reason I stop myself from carrying through tonight is the thought of what Kat might think, especially since she seems to still care for the asshole for some reason.

"Fuck," I give up with a growl. I gather all the weapons up and then stash all but a few of them into one of the hiding places in the apartment.

Regardless of how much her words hurt and pissed me off, I couldn't bring myself to cross a line that would have me losing her for good. Even if I only just beat him to within an inch of his life, I knew attacking Four would upset her.

So I'm back at square one. I stand in the middle of my living, lost for something to do to get me back on track in trying to control myself right now, feeling restless and cagey. I would go back to the leader's gym to work off some of this energy, or better yet the fights, but I can't help thinking if I step one foot out of this apartment it will be to go to Kat.

I decide to go back to busy work and figure I might as well clean my apartment. It's been a bit since I've done that and now looking around it's irritating I let it get to this state. There is something about the darker colors that brings out my OCD. The one thing I miss about Erudite is the fact that everything always looked clean. Here, I can scrub until my hands are raw and it will always look a little dingy. My lack of cleaning lately makes me work extra hard but I know I won't be rewarded with it taking on that sparkling clean look that satisfies me.

It does seem to help my manic state though. Exerting myself this way. At least it does until I decide to tackle the organization of my closet. That's when I make the second mistake of the night. Because it's not just my clothes in there, not since I set up an entire side of my walk-in closet for Kat.

Seeing her things, all hung up or neatly folded in their drawers, is extremely painful. It also made me feel the need to see her. Something I hadn't been able to do besides passing each other in the Pit. I was on the way to grab something to eat after having spent most of the day helping Chase and she was being led away from it by her sister. It was so brief but I could see the pain in her eyes when they met mine.

I've blocked that out until now, stubbornly refusing to admit that she might be hurting just as much as I am right now. I can't do that anymore. I can't stay away either. I might not be able to stay with her or take her from the room, but I can do something else. It was decided to start up random bed checks after lights out since the attack and this is the perfect excuse so I can check up on her.

It seems I am incapable of staying away or not worrying no matter how angry I am. That was proven to me the night I thought, no matter how briefly, that she was a traitor. It felt like I hadn't been able to breathe until I saw her again after her hidden meeting with the factionless.

That night still haunts me, how close I came to giving into the part of me I never wanted her to see much less be the target of. She forgave me that night, but that was when it was just about her. Will she be able to do the same after the implied threat to her sister?

The better question, the one I've put off thinking about all night, is will she be able to accept that when it comes down to it I can't and won't apologize for the things I've had to do in the past?

I don't give myself time to dwell on that or to change my mind. I quickly throw on some clothes, then grab my phone. I need to let the others know I have this check handled. I also know I can't just check on the transfers, not if I don't want to draw attention. I get confirmations from almost everyone involved in the group message pretty quickly. They're probably relieved they don't have to deal with it. The only person that doesn't respond is Chase. I don't think anything about it and keep walking. I plan on doing the Dauntless-born first and leave transfers for last. I should probably switch the order so I'm forced to leave the dorm, and specifically leave it without Kat in tow, but I don't

It doesn't take me long to reach the dorm for the dauntless-born. While I'm doing a headcount, which is easier to do here as there's better lighting from the bathroom to see by, my phone buzzes in my pocket with a message notification. I wait to check it until I'm done and out of the room and even then I only take a brief glance at first.

I pause when I realize that it's a direct message from Chase one that's outside of the message with the others. Which isn't too worrying because I'm pretty sure he's going to warn me about doing anything stupid...like trying to take Kat out of her dorm.

'There will be two out of their bed in the transfer dorm but they are accounted for and being taken care of.' - Chase

I stop in my tracks and scowl at the message. There's a reason he didn't send that notification via the group text and that can only mean one thing.

'What happened and where is she?' - Eric

'She's with Zach and it's being taken care of so you can go back home. I'll have him message you when he gets her settled.' - Chase

"Fuck that," I growl and stuff my phone back in my jacket.

There's no way I'm just going to wait around, not knowing what the fuck is going on with her. I don't think that there was another attack...he wouldn't have been so freaking calm about that shit. But something did happen and it involved Kat along with one of the other initiates, that much I can figure out with the little information I have.

I intend to get more.

The fact that I don't get another message from either Chase or Zach should have let me know what I would find by the time I make it to Zach's apartment, but I admit I'm not exactly thinking as clearly as I should be. If I was, I would have realized they fully expected me to head straight there and one of them to be ready for me.

Chase is leaning against the wall at the passageway that leads to Zach's apartment, heading me off before I can even get close to his door.

"You better not even be thinking that you're going to keep me from her, Chase." I nearly bellow out angrily, my face contorted in rage when he steps in front of my way.

"I don't think you're staying away from her tonight, I know you are. She's safe with Zach, more importantly, she feels safe with him right now which is what she needs. Any medications she needs, he already has and you know he'll take care of her."

His calm matter of fact tone doesn't help. Neither does the fact that his words imply that she wouldn't be, or that she wouldn't feel safe with me.

Not acceptable.

"Eric, stop and think rationally about this. Think about Kat and what she's feeling. What she needs right now, not what you want." I take a step forward again, this time he physically steps up and puts his hands on my chest to stop me. His face is hard and unyielding even though his words carry a pleading tone.

That does make me pause and I eye him, breathing hard and trying to take a calming breath or two. He takes this opportunity to continue explaining.

"Zach warned us she might eventually have an episode or something...where things from her past might get to be too much. That's what happened tonight. From what little he was willing to tell me, she had a nightmare that caused her to leave the dorm in a panic. Peter followed her, she attacked him then ran off and he got Zach who then called me. I was able to tap into the control room to find her by the chasm. When he realized she wasn't physically hurt...he brought her here for the rest of the night."

"Kat knows she's safe with me, that I would never hurt her." I object through a clenched jaw, but even as I speak the words I know that I'm wrong.

"I can clearly see you have obviously not calmed down one bit since this morning. Do you think Kat won't pick up on that and the fact that some of that anger is aimed at her? You think she's in a state of mind to handle that right now?"

I deflate slightly at his words and look down then run a hand through my hair.

"Do you think she asked for me, Chase?"

He relaxes and sighs heavily before shrugging and answering. "Zach wouldn't keep you from her if she asked for or needed you, Eric."

Unexpected and sudden pain fills me, dulling the anger that's been boiling inside for what feels like way too long, at least, much longer than just this morning. The knowledge that she hadn't asked for me in her time of need, and in fact is afraid of me in any manner, the pain from that is almost crippling.

The fight to see her goes out of me and I turn on my heel to head away from here. The exhaustion I've been denying hits me enough that I don't argue when Chase follows behind me then suggests we go to my apartment.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

The only sounds in the apartment are the muted tones from the flickering vid screen as a movie is playing that neither of us is really paying attention to. Chase is sprawled out on the couch he long ago claimed as his for any time he's at my apartment. I'm on the other one laid back and numbly watching the action on the screen without really registering what's going on.

We haven't said much to each other since we got back here. Even though I know he's just as exhausted as I am it doesn't look like he's any closer to sleep than I am either. I can tell that something is weighing on his mind, and it's not just my shit with Kat or what happened with her this morning.

It makes me feel like an ass that I've been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't noticed something is really troubling my brother. At least I've pulled my head out of my ass enough to finally ask him about it.

"Something's up with you, and I can tell it isn't just this crap with Kat. What's up?"

He just shrugs at first before he finally vocally replies. "Fuck. I don't even know where to begin, Eric. We've already talked about all the doubts we have. I guess there are just certain things I've felt but denied. After what happened with Beth...and then later when she…" He pauses and looks over at me. I see the same haunted pained look in his eyes that's been there whenever she's come up in the past. But there's something else there as well, something I usually only see when I look in the mirror. "You already knew I was angry when I first got here. What you don't know, what I couldn't even admit to myself, is that this entire time there's been a part of me that wouldn't have cared if I burned this city down, all of it...even Dauntless...if I could just make those bastards pay. Then Kat came along and with it all these memories and things I'd made myself forget. She just really does remind me of Beth."

"You've never outright said it...but I've wondered about you and Beth. Were you two…" I hesitate in finishing the sentence, in asking the question that's always been on my mind. More now since Kat came along and I began to wonder if part of what he felt for her was because of the similarity to Beth.

"Were we together?" He finishes the question for me and shakes his head before replying. "No, we weren't. I loved her, that much I know, and losing her still hurts...like there's a part of me missing. So, maybe with time, we could have been. She was eleven when she went missing and nearly thirteen when she was finally found with the factionless but... she was never the same. Even then...no matter how broken her mind was, there were glimpses of her that would breakthrough and she was Zach's little princess again, playfully imperiously demanding one thing or another. You know, she's the one that called where we would be going after choosing, long before we ever took the damn tests. I don't even remember why the subject came up in the first place but we got to talking about turning of age and getting out of our parent's house. Basically, we were just bitching. Then Zach realized she might think he was talking about leaving her and tried to reassure her that wasn't going to happen. She just calmly smiled and said of course he wasn't and that a little distance didn't mean goodbye. She stated that she expected him to visit her in Erudite just as much as she would visit us in Dauntless. Beth was sure that we were going to come to Dauntless and make the city better, just like she was going to go to Erudite and do the same there. Even there at the end...she still talked about the good we were going to do here...she still dreamed for us even if she couldn't dream for herself anymore."

It goes quiet again, a respectful and sad kind of silence hangs in the air before he lets out a huff and continues.

"I'd like to think that we have been doing good. I know that we've done our best with what we're given to work with. It took Max's speech the day we were deciding on cuts for it to really set in just how fucked up things are here but having to escort those kids out...fuck. It's really messing with me right now on top of everything else."

"I forgot all about them being removed today," I mutter, scowling at forgetting something like that and trying to not feel even more like the monster Kat thinks I am because I can't bring myself to really care about it right now. "How did it go?" I ask after a long pause.

"That girl Sally broke down completely and had to be carried most of the way out. Shannon and Vic were okay from what I saw but I could tell she had been crying. It was hard watching two of my Dauntless-born go. I have to admit it hit just as hard to watch Edward and Myra go too."

I try to contain my need to scoff contemptuously and manage to just sneer at Edward's name being mentioned. Which earns me a drawn-out sigh after he glares at me for a second.

"I'm well aware of your feelings about him but even you can't deny it was a fucking waste, what happened to him. Not to mention how upset Kat was about it which is another reason I think she reacted like she did this morning. The two of them became pretty good friends before this shit happened."

I grunt in agreement but wisely refrain from saying anything about that particular development. I do ask about his girl Mayra and how she handled things. I gained a bit of respect and admiration for the girl during the time I observed her at the clinic. I expected her to be an emotional mess but she was far from it. There was another side of her that came out during the time we were waiting to find out about Edward and if his injury caused him to have to be considered disabled.

It was during this time Zach learned, and then shared that information with us, that she had enough medical training to have been considered a nurse in Erudite if she hadn't been a dependent. She used that training to the fullest while she was in the clinic, not only to tend to her boyfriend but by offering help to the staff there. It is very likely if she hadn't been cut she could have become a much-needed member of the small medical staff we have here in Dauntless.

That brings home the word Max said in that meeting, that even if they hadn't been one of the ones we sent on patrols or to guard the fence...there was still worth in the people that were cut.

"You're right, it's fucked up. I know this is my fault, and admit my part at the shithole our faction has become."

"Eric," Chase sighs, interrupting me, then sits up a little and faces me. "It's not just one person's fault, it's all of us that have positions of influence in the faction and outside of it. That's what I was trying to say. We've done what we could or had to do but only based on the information and orders we are given. Not to mention the restraints put on us that can be deciding factors of what we can or cannot do. The problem for me is trying to figure out why those restraints are made and who is ordering them." "

He sits back and motions with his hand. "Take the cuts for instance. My first issue with those is the fact that there hasn't been any choosing for two years. Two years that the funds should have been reserved for when we knew they would begin again but they weren't. Where did those funds go? Because we sure as hell haven't used them for anything else around here? My second issue is that the dictate came from the council, so it's been assumed that it's at the behest of Abnegation. I recently realized it couldn't have passed without being seconded by someone else. So I did some research and found the motion was seconded by Erudite, who is supposed to be our Ally. Why the hell would the faction we are supposed to be in an alliance with agree with cutting our manpower? Then again, why is it that Erudite was able to get a stranglehold on us to begin with? We are completely reliant on them for the production of everything we need to keep running yet it is a struggle to get anything from them without giving in to demands that have affected the way things go here in the faction just as much as Abnegation has done to us. So it makes me wonder, is Erudite really as much of an ally as we are supposed to believe they are, and is Abnegation that much of an enemy if it turns out they are just as responsible for our troubles?"

It took me a bit to process what he was saying. The part of me that has been conditioned for years to believe Abnegation is the enemy and Erudite is superior, clouds my mind for a few seconds.

Once I do start thinking though I realize that he's right. There have been several decisions made by Erudite that don't follow their vaunted logic or the faction's core goals. All the factions were set up with the goal in mind of their individual contributions to the city and its betterment. Erudite, of course, centers around things that require knowledge and ways that knowledge can enrich the lives of its members and the city.

They are supposed to be the instruments of promoting knowledge and its distribution, not only to the members of Erudite but the entire city. But with the restrictions they place on who can or cannot access certain classes in school, the tech they produce to attain it, and misinformation they promote; they are in violation of those core goals and manifestos.

As I'm reasoning this all out in my head and out loud to my friend, a memory of a conversation with my dad comes up. It's a conversation I can't believe I've forgotten because it's the one where my dad told me that he was actually born into Dauntless.

It was a few years before his death, but we already knew I would likely be heading to Dauntless. There had been several offers for me over the years to be enrolled in an advanced academics program. I had once again been offered a spot but I didn't want to do it for a few reasons. The first reason was that I would be in essence removed from my home and I didn't want to be cut off from my parents. The second reason was that the program had no appeal for me at all. Even worse I had little to no patience for the people or kids that I would have to interact with. My brother being one of the primary ones involved in the program probably had a lot to do with that decision.

The entire conversation began when he informed me they made another offer. Until that point, there had been two other offers. One when I was barely two years old and began the first of a series of tests Erudite subjects children to in order to determine their IQ level. The second offer came after my entry test for primary school. Both of those, my parents turned down, stating that when I was old enough to begin my secondary education then I could make the decision for myself.

I worried that despite the fact that they didn't seem like they wanted me in the program any more than I wanted to go, they would be disappointed in me for turning it down and for my confession that I didn't feel like I belonged in Erudite.

I remember clearly his reaction wasn't at all what I thought it would be. Yes, he did seem saddened by the fact that I would eventually be leaving Erudite. We talked for a long time that night about the Dauntless he grew up in. He confessed how he felt the faction was underestimated and put down when there was much more to them than they were allowed to be. Once, Dauntless had doctors in the faction itself even if they did have to spend time being trained by Erudite in the profession, they never changed faction to do this.

This wasn't the only example he used but it is the best one when considering Chase's concerns. Because in the end, the reason these stopped was a slow progression of restrictions placed on Dauntless by both Erudite and Abnegation.

After relaying this to Chase it goes quiet for a few seconds before he sighs and nods. "You know, that time we had the visit to the fence was the first of many times I witnessed Kat and Edward have one of their debates. This one was about the fence itself and strategically how effective it is in protecting a city. Battle tactics were brought up and the example of the fall of Troy was mentioned. Will took over and started regaling the others the story to the others that didn't know about Troy and what caused it to fall while Kat just sat back looking lost in thought. I didn't think anything about something happened at lunch."

"What happened?" I grumble, wracking my mind if something had been mentioned to me about that visit and coming up empty.

"I thought she was quiet because of her injuries from her fight but it turned out that the entire time she had been caught up thinking about the discussion. She turned to Edward and said that they were wrong, Troy wasn't the best way to bring an enemy down. When he asked what the best way would then, she said the best way would be to do it with as little to no bloodshed as possible. An even better way would be to let the enemy do your work for you. She said Troy had a good idea by having the enemy bring the instrument of destruction into their walls but there was a lot of needless death. The better way would have been to arrange for enough conflict within the city that it started to tear itself apart. Then the invaders could do whatever they wanted. They could even waltz in like some kind of savior, getting them to do anything for them. This would have allowed them to take and use the city for themselves but have its own people still do all the work." He finishes the tale with a pensive expression and I'm left speechless for a few seconds.

"So, basically you think that both Abnegation and Erudite are against us if not outright enemies? Do you think she was thinking of us when she was throwing that out there?"

"I don't know for sure but it is possible, Eric. She does seem to have a way of seeing things that we can't, maybe we are too close to be unbiased about it. It also seems to me that even before that incident with the factionless she was determined to find a way to make the city better. Kat will always have part of her heart in Abnegation even if she embraces her Dauntless side more often than not. She might not phrase it like this, but she cares for the city as a whole just as much as she does her family, friends and the factions she is part of. What I think she might have been meaning is that we can be our own worst enemy and by we...I mean us...Dauntless."

"Fuck," I nod in agreement while blowing out a breath of frustration. "We need to fix ourselves and become stronger before we can take on the others. As it stands right now, Abnegation and Erudite are crippling us. Abnegation with their restrictions or demands of our workforce. Erudite with denying us things or blackmailing us for them. That needs to stop, but you're right...unless we can get shit straight here we can't stand up to them."

It goes quiet again. There's not much else that can be said at the moment. Neither of us is in the condition for deep thinking or planning. It isn't long before exhaustion takes Chase and I hear him breathing deeply in his sleep.

I know I'm not far from it myself even if my mind is still working. There's a lot to think about and a lot going on. There are things I feel are out of my control or close enough to it that I can't do anything about them at the moment.

What I can do something about is my relationship with Kat. I will have to confront her at some point. Hopefully sooner rather than later but not until I get myself sorted first.

When I finally drift off she's the person that appears in my dreams. From the moment she landed into my life all I need to do is close my eyes and she's there. How she looks at me in those dreams varies but more often than not she's smiling at me with the smile that first captivated me.

Tonight there is no smile, only that same mix of disappointment and pain in her eyes that are shining with unshed tears. Tonight, instead of the soft sighs and moans of pleasure that dreams with her usually evolve to there is the sound of her quiet sobs and the whispering of words as she tells me I can be better than I allow myself to be.

At some point in the deep of the night and sleep, my parents join her in my dreams. I haven't allowed myself to think of them in so long I honestly thought clear memories of them were lost to me but I was wrong. All I had to do was allow myself to think of them again and there they are.

You would think, with how I've turned out, that my parents were just like me. Cold and cruel, ruthless even. I mean, I had to learn it from somewhere...right? If pushed they could be very cunning. Some might have even said ruthless. That is something I got from them.

However, they were anything but cold and cruel. Even when Erudite prided themselves of being aloof regardless of being in public or private, they were warm and kind to anyone they counted as among their friends or family. With me they always let me know I was loved and wanted. That night on the roof when Kat was describing her parents I really did understand better than she knew because it might as well have been them she was describing to me.

My parents weren't overly physically in their affection, they could always be counted on for some kind of hug or other showing of love when I needed it while I was younger. We didn't feel the need to vocalize how we felt for each other, instead, we let actions speak for us more often than not. For my parents, they showed me in little and big ways, every day how much they cared for me. It was important to them that they did this because they often worried the circumstances of my birth would make me think otherwise.

Mom was in her early forties when I was born. They always wanted more than one child but after giving birth to my older brother, Damon, they hadn't been able to successfully conceive again. They didn't give up completely. There were many attempts over the years with her getting treatments in her efforts to get pregnant herself. She was told the chances of it working were slim.

Eventually they were told they should stop trying. It was pointed out to them that they already had one child who was old enough to be choosing soon. It was recommended that now they were about to become 'empty nesters' they should take the time to expand their social and professional aspirations. Which was something they never felt the need to do but people seemed to excuse because of their dedication to their son. They didn't listen to them and it resulted in turning their sites on having a surrogate to bring me into the world. Their first attempt worked and I was born.

From the start, I was set apart from the norms of what Erudite considers proper. Between my parent's attitude and disdain for the faction's method of social and professional advancement as well as having another child so late in life, there was a perception of them that wasn't favorable. That worked against them and later in life...for me too.

While they were alive this didn't bother me much. I wouldn't have called me a loner exactly, I was more of a homebody. I much preferred being at home with my parents doing one thing or another with them than having to tolerate the snobbish and moronic kids I attended school with.

Being the attentive and engaged parents they were, they did push me to open myself up to other things than just staying home with them all the time. Mom worked to help me overcome my shy and introverted nature but she was never pushy about it. Dad encouraged me when I expressed my interest in sports. He apologized that his age didn't allow him to do more than toss around the football occasionally but always made it a point to come in support of any sporting event I was involved in. When it became apparent that I wouldn't be staying in Erudite, they turned to preparing me as best they could for life in Dauntless.

I remember the day my dad produced the Dauntless faction book. Then there in the study, the three of us sat looking over it. He was so proud of me as I read over the manifestos and made the declaration that I was going to be the best Dauntless I could be and one day I would become a leader for the faction.

In the dream, I'm back in that study with my parents and Kat. My dad sits across from me in his favorite chair while my mom and Kat are on either side of me on the sofa. It's not pride in his eyes as he looks at me, but a stern and deep disappointment that softens as I begin to tell him everything I'm feeling and baring my soul to him for his judgement.

"You've suffered much son and allowed your grief to let others control you. The power to stop them from doing that anymore has always been inside you, just decide not to let them do it and they won't be able to. First, you have to let go of the past if you want to build your own future."

His words continue to circle in my mind as I drift deeper into sleep. Their image starts to slip away, but not before I see them clearly one more time...smiling at me with love in their eyes and Kat by their side wearing the same smile.