Chapter 61 - Head Above Water

Kat

It's been at least an hour since Zach brought me to his apartment and we still haven't had that talk yet. Even though I'm sure he's anxious that the longer he gives me the less likely I am to actually carry through with my promise, he hasn't pressured me for one second.

As soon as we got here, he looked me over and tended to whatever new scrapes and bruises I managed to accrue in my reckless, headlong run through the compound. Thankfully, there weren't many of those and I didn't seem to aggravate my throat too badly. So he only had to apply some of the healing gel to the things that needed it then gave me a few pills to take. Zach did inform me I would need a small dose of the liquid serum for my throat, but mercifully he planned on giving that to me in a tea to mask to help with the taste.

Peter showed up at the apartment shortly after we got here and handed over my bag he recovered from the dorm before Zach insisted he let him take care of his injuries. I gladly took that then left them to themselves while I got cleaned up and pulled on a pair of leggings and a lightweight sweater. As I'm in the bathroom I hear Zach calling out to me as he finishes up, telling me to make myself comfortable on the bed and he'll bring the tea in a second. My stomach is twisting inside at the thought of the conversation about to take place but as much as I might want to try and delay it or beg off...I won't.

I force myself to leave the relative safety of the bathroom then glance into the living area and see Zach's just finishing with tending to Peter. I only have a short look at them but it's enough to see Peter smiling at Zach. I crawl onto my friend's bed, musing on how comfortable he makes everyone around him feel, even the normally very abrasive Peter Hayes. There's also been something else lurking in his eyes when looking at Zach, something I can't exactly place that I feel like I should know.

I shake my head to clear it and sigh as I try and find a comfortable position on the bed for the talk we're about to have. I decide on just sitting up against the headboard then grabbing one of his pillows and holding it for comfort. Zach joins me not too much longer after that with a couple of mugs in his hand and the dreaded tablet tucked under an arm. He hands me mine before walking around the other side of the bed to get settled for our talk.

I take my first tentative sip of the tea and let out a relieved moan when the taste proves to be much better than the last time Shauna made me drink something with medicine in it.

"Like it?" Zach asks me after I take another, larger sip, and hum in pleasure at the citrus taste of it. I nod and smile in reply. "I'm glad. Go ahead a drink a bit more, it should help with the pain. Don't bother trying to deny it, princess. I can tell by the tightness around your eyes and lips you're in pain and ignoring it."

I sigh but do as he says, noting that I can feel the pain already being soothed in my throat. I drink about half of it before I set it on the small bedside table and turn to take the tablet he passes over to me.

'I don't really know where to begin...so how about I just ask you what you want to know?'

He tilts his head in contemplation and takes his time to gather his thoughts. He sighs and sets his mug on the table beside him and settles back against the headboard next to me.

"Honestly, there's so much I want to know...but this isn't about me, Kat. I want you to talk to me about what you decide you need, or what you can, talk about. But if you're just needing a direction..why not the beginning of where the trouble started for you?"

That was the problem though, wasn't it? Trouble was always there...I just hadn't seen it for what it was. Not until the big incident with the factionless. So what do I tell him when I'm not really certain myself?

I said I was going, to be honest, so….

'Honestly, I think things began well before the big incident with the factionless when I was ten years old.'

"How so?"

'The problem I have is that there's always been trouble, Zach. It began from the time my sister and I started interacting with people other than our parents or the daycare workers when under their care. The moment we had to start really interacting with others, both factionless and kids from the other factions, we were harassed in some way. I can't tell you how many times we barely escaped from groups of kids after school determined to 'play' with the stiffs. We were expected not to fight back either, and the few times someone did take action to break it up, we always ended up being scolded or blamed. It became a thing for us to always be on guard and watching everyone warily. I was always in a state of...fear...I guess. That just got worse as we got older. Regardless, well before then, I had already decided there was no way I was going to stay in Abnegation. I couldn't take that kind of abuse anymore and neither could Tris. So we started to prepare, even if we never actually said that's what we were doing.'

'I believe that's what led to the day with the factionless. We were being observed, so it didn't escape his notice that we were clearly doing things that wouldn't be approved of and going places that weren't supposed to.'

I pause and let him read that, taking my mug again and a few sips until he finishes. When he hands it back he doesn't ask me a question, he just motions for me to continue.

However, I have a question of my own that's been on my mind and I decided to ask before I start again.

'When I've mentioned Marcus before, I got the impression from you that your dislike of him goes beyond the normal dislike of someone in Abnegation. Is that true?'

He nods slowly, in agreement before speaking up.

"First of all, you should know that my dislike of Abnegation isn't the same as Eric's...and to a lesser extent Chase's. Eric has always bordered on instant hatred of anything associated with Abnegation, while Chase is more along the lines of disgust. Mine is somewhere in between those two." He starts out with a knowing smirk at my grimace at the other two's feelings before getting serious again.

"For me, it's always come down to some of the policies and procedures the faction enforces on themselves and others that I have the most issues with. Many of those policies and procedures, if not all of them, were introduced into faction law by none other than Marcus Eaton. Now my dislike of him is more personal and just as strong as the others since I've seen how he operates. Even if I didn't know about Four's abuse...which I do because it was a big deal in leadership during his fear sims...I've still seen a darker side than what he shows everyone else...just in the way he's accomplished things."

I nod and sigh, worrying on my lower lip as I contemplate what to say next if I can say out loud the darkest secret I've carried for so long.

'If you know how he operates then you might just understand when I say there are no lengths he won't go to get his way. Even if that's setting up a fellow faction mate and co-council's children to be attacked, possibly even killed, in order to get that man to vote his way on the issue of keeping Dauntless in charge of security in the Abnegation and factionless sector.'

Instead of letting him read that part first, I carry on typing. Now that I've opened the floodgate, it all wants to pour out at once.

'For a long time, I thought that he only noticed me because of the incident that day and because of the fact that I also confronted him about the decision to pull Dauntless out. All he said to me then was that he was disappointed in me but was hopeful I learned a lesson and wouldn't cause my family such pain again by being so selfish. He dismissed me and seemed not to take any more notice of me, either good or bad. At least that's what I thought.'

'It wasn't until his son, Tobias, sought me out to warn me about his dad that I had the first idea what he was really like. The first few times I encountered him were odd...to say the least. Tobias didn't really interact with the rest of the faction. Honestly, it came as a surprise to a majority to know he even existed, that's how little he was ever seen around. I found out later it was mostly because he was following his dad's orders, but it was also a bit by his choice as well. After the first time I met him he seemed to always be lurking around. And I do mean lurking. Because he didn't seem to want to actually talk to me but he always seemed to just be there anyway. In fact, he seemed almost afraid to even try to talk to me the few times I confronted him about hanging around. Then one day, I think I forced his hand when I was doing something that would have gotten me in trouble if I got caught. He stepped in and helped me out. Of course, he lectured me about it and we argued. We also became friends. We only met in secret though and never in the Abnegation sector itself. After I got out of school I would go to one of his favorite hiding places. He said it would be bad if his dad found out we were friends and while I had my suspicions why I didn't know for sure until the first time he went missing for almost two weeks.'

"He went missing? What happened? Did you try and tell anyone?" Zach asks with a pinched expression.

'At first, I just asked my dad about him. You know, asking why he didn't go to school like everyone else and why was never with the volunteer youth groups. This was before we actually spent much time together. My dad told me that Tobias was sick a lot and was removed from school because of that. As far as why he never did the volunteer duties that all the other dependents had to, I was informed he did do volunteer work but only with people that understood and could handle his sensitive nature. I asked about him again when he went missing and was told he was having a relapse of some sort and had to stay home to recover. When he finally did appear again two weeks later, he was upset and worried because his dad had gotten word I asked about him. He warned me to never ask about him again if he didn't show up. He said that he would do everything he could to protect me but I needed to stay safe too.'

"But he either couldn't or didn't keep that promise, did he?" It was phrased as a question but I could see he already knew the answer.

I stayed silent for a while, staring at the screen with the blinking cursor waiting for me. I wanted to tell him, I promised I would, but now that it came to it I don't know if I can. Despite what happened because of his actions...I still care for Tobias so much.

Deep down, I know he didn't do what he did to purposely hurt me. He was probably trying to protect me in his own way. The problem I have is the fact that he knew his father well enough to know whatever the man said or promised would be a lie..and he left me alone to face that.

"Kat, I already guessed something like that happened. Especially when you made a comment that one time at lunch about taking responsibility for your own actions and not running away. It was too pointed a comment. So, knowing the details of it won't make me want to hurt him any more than I already do for that. I haven't acted on that and…" He pauses and frowns in thought before he sighs and looks back at me. "Look, all I can promise is to hear you out and take into account that you care for him. I can't promise what I might have to do if it turns out Four in any way has or is helping his father to get away with things he shouldn't."

I read the earnestness in his eyes and I don't doubt the sincerity of what he's saying. Honestly, it's better than I could have hoped for and I know without a doubt it's better than I would have gotten from either Eric or Chase in this situation.

So I nod and start typing again.

'We thought we managed to keep our friendship a secret as one then two years had passed and not even his dad said anything about it. Tris had already started to pull away from me by then so it left me feeling lonely. Still, our get-togethers were few at first, then as we grew closer they happened more often. Before I knew it, he was joining me in some of the things I did to try and get ready for Dauntless. I had told him about what happened that day and how I felt about it, what I wanted to do to make up for things that happened. He started to help me more to keep me from hurting myself but somewhere along the way, I could tell he started to take it seriously for himself.'

'One night, close to his choosing, we were talking and he told me he decided that he was going to go to Dauntless. He was just as tired of how he was living as I was, understandably more so, and he wanted to go to Dauntless. We had a few more talks...debates really...because I felt he might not be going for the right reasons. For me it wasn't just about getting away from Abnegation but because I actually felt like I belonged in Dauntless. I wanted to make the city safer for everyone. I mentioned that I thought he was running away from his problems. I was harsh on him and I felt bad. Especially since he didn't talk to me for a few days after that. When he showed up again he was upset about something, he wouldn't tell me what but he was very agitated and even more determined that he needed to get ready for Dauntless. All he finally told me about the change in him was that he wanted to make the city better and he couldn't stay here if he was going to do that.'

I stop and reach for my cup, drink the rest of it, and let him read what I have so far.

"What do you think happened?" He asks, handing the tablet back over to me.

'I think he might have found out something either about the city or his father that upset him enough and it woke him up and pushed him out of the Abnegation conditioning just endure and turn the other cheek. So he decided he wanted to do something about whatever it was he discovered. I also think that he might have, for the first time, expressed his feelings in some way to Marcus about whatever it was because shortly after that I started to notice other changes in Tobias. He would disappear for a few days at a time and when he would come back he would look...he would look like a person does when they've been beaten but not anywhere that can be visibly seen. The closer it got to choosing day for him, the worse he would be when he showed up again.'

'But I could never get him to admit what was happening. Anytime I brought it up, begged him to let me tell someone so we could get some help, he would react so badly that I was afraid he would cut me off entirely and I couldn't be there for him even just a little bit. Then two months before his choosing ceremony I happened to witness it first hand for the first time. I was running late for meeting up with him and rushed into our meeting spot to find Marcus yelling at him and striking him with a belt. I didn't even think about what I was doing...I just rushed in and threw myself in front of him. He did stop but he had this look in his eyes that sickened me as he tried to smooth talk his way out of me reporting him, which I'm sure he could tell wasn't working. I thought I was smart in trying to bargain with him and promised I wouldn't say anything as long as it stopped. He agreed, apologized that he let himself get carried away and that he was going to take Tobias home and pray on his actions. He was already guiding him away as he said this...and I'll never forget the look in Tobias's eyes when Marcus mentioned praying for guidance and penance. If he looked afraid of his father before that day...he looked absolutely terrified right then. I was so scared for my friend, I totally disregarded every warning from him about how no one would believe me or anyone else because he was that good at twisting people to believe what he wanted them to believe.'

I'm crying and having trouble seeing the words as I type them out now. I have to stop and wipe them away, Zach hands me a tissue when I keep trying to swipe them away with the back of my hand.

"It's okay, Kat. Stop if you need to."

I shake my head in denial, feeling like if I stop now I'll never continue but I do take a few calming breaths and the time to clean up enough to see again.

"I'm having a hard time that no one ever noticed anything about what was happening," Zach mutters while waiting for me.

'You have to understand the very idea that someone much less the leader of the faction, community, and the most devout follower of the church, could be capable of that level of malice or hatred is unimaginable to Abnegation. It's why even though I knew something was going on with Tobias, I didn't know for sure what it could possibly be. I had ideas, of course, and one of them being that it was somehow related to Marcus's strict belief and adherence to some of the more heavy-handed aspects of our religion. There are those among the Abnegation that believe in sacrifice to be the path to holiness and in times of doubt or misdeeds, they need to abase themselves to cleanse their souls and once again be servants. This isn't a very popular ideology because it's a bit extreme, but it does exist and Marcus Eaton has been a long known proponent of this method of worship. Even then no one realizes just how much of an extremist he is about that aspect of his faith. That's the thing about Marcus, Zach. He absolutely believes in what he preaches. I learned, even though it wasn't until much later, that self-flagellation exists because he practices it on himself ritualistically. He fully realizes his own evil and is absolutely convinced that as long as he purges himself of it nightly, he is absolved of the sins he needs to commit for whatever insane reasoning he has.'

'The other thing you have to understand is how good Marcus is at spinning things to his benefit or how far back he goes in laying the groundwork for something he might need in the future. Remember when I mentioned Tobias having a condition? Well, that went back to his mother's death when he was very young and he had difficulty dealing with it. He was depressed and moody when he was forced to interact with other kids but if he wasn't he stayed withdrawn and didn't like any kind of attention. There were a few instances early on when he acted out, got into a scuffle or two, and ended up in trouble. Never anything serious, no one got hurt, but a rumor was started that he was unstable. I don't know if Marcus started the rumor or if he just capitalized on it, but he kept it going and said his son was a danger to himself and others at times. Which is why he was removed from school. As Tobias got older he didn't really help dispel those rumors because he was still as withdrawn as before and made it known that he preferred to be alone.'

Zach nods along wearily as he's reading and rubs the back of his neck. When he finishes he leans his head back against the headboard and looks at me.

"Okay, I can see how it's possible. Like I said, I've seen how Marcus operates and I know how cunning he can be. I'm guessing things didn't go well if you confronted him?"

I snort and sob at the same time, shaking my head and starting to type furiously again.

'For him it went great, probably exactly as he planned...maybe even always hoped for. There was a reason he never once said anything to anyone about my friendship with Tobias. He was waiting to use it against us, against me, as blackmail if needed. Then I gave him that opportunity when I went to my dad begging him for help. I didn't tell him who, but I said I needed his help to stop someone from being hurt. He agreed and gathered a few leaders, then they followed me to the Eaton house. The moment Marcus opened the door I knew he had just been waiting. What was worse is that in the time it took to get my dad and the others, he already had Tobias prepared to play his part too. Marcus pretended to listen to my concerns and take them seriously and pretended to be deeply upset that he had to do this, but he informed my father of my secret relationship with Tobias. One that had been carried out for a year if not more. He even had pictures that he said he obtained after Tobias came to him with concerns that I was becoming too attached...and had...confessed...my feelings for him. Something he did not return and tried to make known to me but I couldn't accept and had even tried to seduce him. The pictures were innocent ones of us sitting close together and smiling but there was one where we were hugging. That particular one was an occasion when Tobias broke down crying and I was trying to comfort him. Which was again innocent...but to any Abnegation…'

I pause for a second and close my eyes at the memory and my dad's reaction to that picture.

"Did Tob….fucking Four...actually say you seduced him? Is that what he told your father and the others?" Zach tries to keep quiet and hold the anger from his tone but I can hear it anyways.

I shake my head, damning not being able to just vocally respond, then type it in.

'No. Tobias tried to speak up and say that I only tried to kiss him but Marcus interrupted him and carried on with his version, while Tobias went stone quiet. After that, it was all Marcus and he didn't say another word. I saw him look at Tobias a few times when the others were looking over the evidence and arguing about what should happen to me for my actions. I know he threatened him to get him to cooperate but I don't know the details. I haven't asked, and didn't want to confront him about it because confronting him about that would lead to me telling him what his actions caused to happen.'

"And that was?" I don't look at him as he prompts me to carry on.

'As punishment, I was first sent away to Amity to help out there. But after Tobias left the faction it was decided that he left because of me and what I did to him and his family. So in penance, I should have to serve the house as a daughter to make up for the loss of the son. For the faction that meant that I would be doing all the things Tobias did, such as all the cooking and cleaning and other chores. Marcus took it to mean that I became his from that day on to discipline and minister to in the methods he saw fit. I found out firsthand how zealously he could administer those punishments.'

**** Worth Fighting For ****

Hushed voices from somewhere in the room wake me up instead of my normal alarm. It takes me a second to get my bearings and not panic when I woke up in an unfamiliar place. The bed I'm in is comfortable enough to be Eric's but the smell surrounding me isn't his, which should be alarming, and for a second it is until I recognize who the scent belongs to.

That's when I remember that I'm at Zach's apartment and in his bed. The events that led me here come crashing in on me and cause me to groan. As embarrassed as I am that I reacted the way I did to my nightmare, I'm also kind of grateful it happened. Without that, who knows when I would have finally opened up and began to share some of the things I've been holding deep inside of me.

I didn't tell him everything. I couldn't.

What I told him was difficult enough that I had to stop every once in a while. I cried hard almost the entire time too. Hearing it wasn't easy for him either, so some of the times we had to stop was so he could take a moment before we could continue. I hadn't even gotten to some of the worst parts yet. I think he knew this even without me having to tell him.

Not all the tears I cried were for or about me though. During one of the times we paused so I could recover a little, he began to tell me about his sister, Beth, and what happened to her.

I already knew she died but I didn't know any of the specifics. Zach didn't really give me many details either but what he shared, he did so I would understand him a little better. More importantly, he said, he wanted me to know that he understands what trauma can do to someone if they don't get help for it and he couldn't handle it if the same thing that happened to his sister happened to me.

I still don't know how to handle the knowledge that his sister ended up taking her own life following years of suffering after she was kidnapped and repeatedly assaulted. It's even harder to think about the fact that she was so young when it happened, she was eleven when she was kidnapped and fifteen when he had to bury her.

I recognized the similarities between the two of us, of course, but talking about things meant I would have to finally acknowledge they actually happened to me and not some other girl. That's how I've been able to deal with things all these years. I compartmentalize things, assigning all that pain to someone else just so I could survive and keep going.

Zach held me as I broke down and cried, and I felt safe doing that for the first time, knowing he wouldn't judge or scorn me for my tears. I was finally able to grieve for myself and all that I lost over the years.

Another thing he did for me was to sit beside me on the bed as I was trying to go to sleep and tell me stories about Beth. Ones that weren't tainted by the events to come.

He told me she believed that she would go to Erudite and that he and Chase would go to Dauntless. He shyly admitted that when he came to Dauntless he went with a shortened version of his middle name (Zachariah) instead of his first because Beth said even shortening Bernard to Bernie wasn't Dauntless enough. Not unless he changed it to something like Burn.

He told me other things about her and stories of things they did together while at the same time he got me to open up more about my family and things I did with my sister.

We talked about how Tris and I liked to stay after school and watch the other kids that were involved in the different sports available. It was primarily the gymnastics classes but there were times when we watched the track and field events too. Since running was pretty much the only thing we ever really got away with doing on our own, track and field was right up our alley.

There were a few embarrassing things I shared about myself at his prompting. Just silly things meant to lighten my mood. Things such as the fact that I love to sing and have been told I'm pretty good at it. Although, I was never brave enough to join my mom and sister when they sang with the choir at church. I didn't care for being on display when there were a few people from other factions that attended church occasionally. It was funny though because I didn't have much of a problem when I would sing for a few of the factionless I cared for, mostly that was the kids.

I even admitted to him my reasons for my own name change, since he told me about his.

Mary Katherine is actually my entire first name, instead of it being a first and middle name like someone might expect, and growing up it always seemed a mouthful to me. They didn't call me just Mary or Katherine, it was always the two together. There were a few people who shortened it to Katie, but mostly that was Tris, Tobias, and Evelyn.

Neither my given nor nickname really bothered me and I don't dislike them. Even though I probably give that impression with how I react whenever someone calls me by those names. The real reason I react like I do is that the name always felt like a reminder to me of how much I failed to be the kind of daughter my parents hoped I would be when they gave me. The name Mary means 'beloved' and Katherine means 'gift of god', but after the incident with the factionless I didn't feel like much of a gift to my family.

When I admitted this, Zach didn't try to argue with me, which I was thankful for. He just smiled sadly at me and then moved the conversation along.

Zach is a really good storyteller and by the time I drifted to sleep, I could almost see Beth as he described her. In my half-dream state, I saw her laughing while sitting in between Zach and Chase with one of the comic books she loved in her hands. I imagined her hair to be like Zach's in color, a warm chestnut brown. It's much longer and curlier than his is now, which is about chin length when he doesn't have it pulled back. I picture her looking over the book with her twinkling blue/green eyes full of the mischief he said she was always up to and it makes me feel sad I will never get to see that smile in person. It's strange but I feel a sense of loss that she's gone, even though I've never even met her.

From the start, I had a connection with Zach that was hard to explain to others, even to myself. Last night just deepened that connection between us. I don't think two people can share parts of themselves like we did and not come out with some kind of deeper understanding of each other. For me though, it was like a part I didn't know I was missing or needed clicked into place.

Just like with Lynn, Mar and Uri when I met them...they became family to me. The brothers and sisters of my heart. Now Zach has a place there too.

Last night was needed and I do feel lighter for my confessions. I also still hurt, both emotionally and physically.

My groans get louder when I move to try and sit up and realize how sore my body feels and how my head hurts right now. If I was absolutely positive I hadn't had a damn thing to drink I would almost say I was hungover right now.

Zach is still talking to someone but they are trying to be quiet enough that I can't tell who it might be. By the time I'm alert enough and have managed to sit up in bed a bit I hear the front door closing softly, so whoever it was is gone now.

I guess Zach heard me because he pops his head around the bookshelf to check on me and smiles when he sees I'm awake.

"Morning, princess. How are you feeling?"

I almost start to respond vocally but before I even get my mouth all the way open he hands me the tablet again.

I blow out a breath of frustration as well as to get the hair out of my eyes, then blearily squint at the screen and type out a quick response before flipping it around to show him.

'Better, but I probably look like shit.'

He chuckles and shakes his head. "You'll always look beautiful to me, princess, but I can admit I'm biased. What's important, though, is that you look like you are feeling better emotionally and mentally. Am I right?"

'You're right. I do feel better for having gotten that off my chest. I'm also feeling better because I know I'm not alone as I've felt for years. You're a very big reason for that. I know that I have people that care; my friends, Tris, Eric, and Chase. I feel bad but I have to admit...that I don't think I could have opened up like that with them. So, I want to say thank you for helping me for that and to also tell you how much you mean to me. I'm very blessed to have you in my life and helping me. Also...and I don't want you to think I am trying to replace Beth in any way because no one ever will be able to...but...is it alright that I consider you an honorary big brother?'

My words seem to light his face up as he smiles and moves to the bed. As soon as he's sitting beside me he reaches out and wraps me up in a hug so tight it can only be described as a bear hug.

"Ompf," I feel the breath almost get knocked out of me then start quietly laughing when he tickles my other side a bit.

I love that he's not treating me as if I'm fragile or damaged goods right now. He releases me before I start squealing or giggling, then rests against the headboard beside me.

"In all seriousness, the same goes for me too, Kat. I don't think you're trying to replace her. And while you do remind me of her in some ways...you're nothing like her in others. You're your own person, an amazing young woman that I feel blessed to have in my life as well."

I lean in and blushingly place a kiss to his cheek then relax back into another hug from him. We stay like that for a few seconds before he sighs and pulls away to look at me.

"Alright, princess, we have a decision to make. You need to decide where you want to do breakfast this morning. You can have breakfast here if you want." He pauses and looks at me, frowning as he continues on but his next words are spoken carefully. "I don't have anything here to make but I can go grab food and coffee for the three of us from one of the places in the Pit. Or...you can go back to the dorm and join your sister then go for breakfast in the dining hall."

It would be stupid of me to try and play dumb why Zach looks worried and was choosing his words carefully. Eric is still a sore subject with me, even though part of crying my heart out to Zach had involved him and the things I said to him. My friend assured me he understood that they came from a place of deep hurt. While he agreed with me lashing out like that isn't the best way to handle things, he doesn't hate or blame me for reacting that way to what most likely was an episode of what he calls PTSD.

I felt better knowing he doesn't hate or blame me but I couldn't allow myself to feel too great about it. Not once did he mention how Eric feels about things or what this might have done to our relationship. But I have to consider the fact that having breakfast at Eric's is so out of the question he doesn't even bring it up doesn't bode well for us.

I look down at my hands, tears burning my eyes, breathing shaky breaths, and staring at the screen of the tablet waiting for me to type in my response…my decision.

It's tempting to hide away here with Zach but I can't do that to him. I know it would put him in an awkward position with Eric. Especially if what I did spelled the end of us. I can hope Zach and I can still be friends but there's no need to make it harder on him than it already is.

'I should get back to the dorm and be with Tris. She was really shaken up after the attack on Edward and being the one to stay with him while waiting for help. Finding out I was attacked too...it's really kicked in her protective instincts. There's no telling what will happen if she wakes up and finds me gone again.'

If he notices my sudden mood shift or the fact that I won't look at him while he reads what I wrote, he doesn't notice. He just nods and smiles at me.

"Okay. You're right. I have a feeling if she wakes up and finds you gone she's likely to storm the entirety of Dauntless to find you again." He paused as we both chuckled at this, although mine was slightly weak. "Since I had Peter grab your training bag and the clothes you already laid out with your toiletries if you want you can take a shower and get dressed. By the time you're done, I'll have some of the same tea from last night made for you. Just call me if you need me though, okay."

He stands up as I nod in agreement, then leans in and kisses the top of my head before disappearing into the living area. I sit there for a few more seconds, trying to motivate myself to leave the cocoon of bedding and soft mattress. I hear Zach talking to Peter in the other room and something about their conversation catches my attention. It takes a few seconds for me to figure out why, since they aren't really talking about anything serious.

Peter laughs at something he said and the relaxed nature of it pings in my mind. I'm once again reminded of his blushing and the way he's looked at my older friend and the realization that he's attracted to Zach. My face scrunches up as I fight off a frown, not sure how I feel about that. I'm still wary of Peter but even I have to admit that recently his actions have been that of someone who could be a friend.

I shake my head then scoot off the bed deciding it's none of my business. Besides, I could be wrong about Peter liking Zach and there's no guarantee that even if he does that the feelings would be returned.

I shouldn't do it, but as I shuffle to the bathroom, I peek out into the living area and catch sight of Zach's smile as he listens to Peter telling him a story about something from his time in Candor. It's a very different smile than I've seen directed at anyone else before and I know in that moment that the attraction just might be mutual.

I quickly duck into the bathroom and shut the door then sigh as I lean against it. I don't know why seeing that has me feeling a combination of sadness and slight jealousy. Maybe I feel that way because of the situation with Eric? Whatever the reasons might be, I push them all to the side and purposely tune out when I hear their voices rumbling and the laughter.

They deserve their privacy and it's wrong of me to invade it.

It doesn't take me long to get cleaned up and ready for whatever the day might have in store for me. It's easy to turn my thoughts away from things I would rather not dwell on right now or shouldn't be thinking about anyway when today is another off day.

One I am looking forward to despite the current circumstances.

Other than the first one I haven't been able to enjoy the days we were given, what with the attack and all. To be fair, I don't think the other initiates got to enjoy much of their time off either considering they were kept in their dorms for a while and when they were finally released they were given restrictions they had to follow. It was especially hard on my group since they were worried about me and not allowed to visit.

I could tell they were eager to help me enjoy the day as they seemed to make it a point to ask what Tris and I would like to do today. We opted to just see how we felt instead. Well, I say that, but really it was more Tris making the decision and then glaring at me until I accepted it. She's seriously in protective mode and is determined to make sure I get enough rest. I just hoped I could get there in time so she wouldn't be even worse today.

Zach and Peter are quietly talking when I join them finally. When I hear what they are talking about, I can't help but to slump into a spot on the couch and stare dejectedly into the cup of tea Zach handed me. The topic of discussion is the cuts that just happened, specifically what happens to those people now. I listened as Peter commented that he didn't understand how Al survived being cut from initiation, something I nodded agreement to.

We don't stay on that subject for long though, not when Zach can tell it's upsetting to me. He urges me to drink my tea and then comments on the lack of pills I was expecting to have to take as well.

"Before breakfast, I have to take you to the clinic so they can do a checkup on you. Any medications you need you'll be given then. Also, if everything looks good they will probably lift the restriction and you can talk again."

I silently squealed (having started out vocal but stopped it after a glare from Zach) then launched a hug at Zach who just chuckles. When I grab my mug of tea again and chug it down, slam the cup on the table then bounce over to the door eagerly, he starts to laugh hard. Peter actually joins him in laughing.

I can't help the over-exuberant reaction to finally being released from my silent misery. Although it hasn't been all that long I have definitely discovered I would have absolutely failed if vows of silence were still a thing in the church.

"She reminds me of an overexcited puppy." Peter snarks as he purposely walks over to the door to join us as slowly as possible. I narrow my eyes at him and he only snorts in amusement (clearly not understanding the threat) and smirks at me. "Careful you don't piss the floor like one."

Deciding I'm not going to let him ruin my influx of good feelings to balance out the terrible ones I'm battling, I flip him off and flounce out the door smiling.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

It took much longer at the clinic than I realized, so by the time I made it to the dorm Tris was wide awake and looked to be about to leave. She stopped dead in her tracks as I walked down the steps with Peter following close behind me and I knew just by the set of her lips and eyes how worried she was.

I hold up a hand to stave her off, then let it drop to my side and watch as her eyes widen when she realizes I'm not trying to sign something to her but that I'm about to talk.

"I'm fine. In fact, I had to go to the clinic for a check-up. As you can see and hear, I've been cleared to speak again. Although I was advised to break out into long-winded speeches or launch a singing career for at least another week."

She huffs out a relieved sigh and hugs me tightly. "I was so damn scared and didn't know what to think, Kat. I woke up and you were gone but so was Peter. I didn't know what was going on. I worried that your injuries got worse or that even though your ranking was the highest they decided to send you away anyways. The only thing that kept me from truly freaking out was when Will pointed out your things are still here, unlike the others who were allowed to at least take their things with them."

"I didn't want to worry you and I'm sorry I didn't think about it seeming like that, Tris," I murmur, my voice still strained and husky sounding. Almost as if I was just recovering from a bad case of laryngitis or something.

She sighs and pulls back from the hug and looks over my shoulder at Peter then nods at him in greeting before looking back at me.

"Have you had breakfast?" She asks with narrowed eyes.

Oh yeah, she's in full protective mode.

"Nope," I reply as I shake my head. "Instead of my punishment this morning I was sent right to the clinic and I just left there. I wanted to check here for you before I went to the dining hall."

"Will said he would keep a lookout for me there after Uri came back and said you weren't in any of the training rooms. I decided to wait for a few more minutes before I tried looking in other places." She growled this last part out and I could just imagine she had plans that involved the leader's offices again.

I chuckled at this then grabbed her arm and started to lead her out. "Well, I'm glad I got here in time before you pushed your luck any more than you already have lately."

Peter gives a short snort of laughter that turns into a chuckle. "If I didn't know any better I could swear Max all but ran the other way when he saw you heading towards the group of leaders in the Pit that one morning."

"Really?" I ask him in disbelief then look over at my sister who is blushing like mad and avoiding looking at either of us.

"I don't know for sure...all I know is that the group seemed to scatter fairly fast and left Four behind to talk to her," Peter replies with a bored drawl and shrug but I can see his eyes dancing with amusement.

Tris glances at Peter with a look of surprise at what is close to a compliment coming from him while I'm grinning like a loony person at my sister. Which just makes her roll her eyes with her lips twitching before she urges me to go faster.

"Coffee is calling our names, Kat," She jokes in a sing-song tone.

I couldn't and didn't argue with that. Tea was great, especially the kind Zach had, but coffee would always be my first choice. Before I was just in a hurry to get to the dining hall and distract Tris, now I'm eager to get to my precious coffee. I'm still mindful of my sister's mood, and how precarious it is to veering onto the need for her to drag me to the dorm and lock me in there for the rest of the day, so I exaggerate my eagerness then drag her until we're almost running.

Her laughter rings down the hallway as we go.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

The mood in the dining hall is somber. I kind of expected that from the initiates and wasn't surprised to see they all picked to sit at the same table together again because of this feeling.

What I didn't expect was the same thing coming from the members that surround us. I wouldn't say they were overly saddened by the loss of four kids, but there was a respectful lessening in the volume of noise that usually fills the dining hall, even early in the morning. The glances we got weren't pitying either, and seemed to be thoughtful as well as showing that same respect I felt everyone was showing.

A knot inside me that I had been carrying around. and didn't really know I was, started to unravel at this unexpected showing this morning. Last night before I even went to bed all I could see was a faction full of heartless men and women. All I could feel was the fear of what could be lurking in the shadows, waiting to take anyone of us out for no reason other than they can. Inside I know that aspect of this faction is still there. I mean, the person or people who attacked me and Edward are still out there at least.

Over the years I've developed an ability to mute the worst of my fear or whatever is troubling me. At first, it was purely out of survival instinct. Then I met a remarkable woman who suffered the worst kinds of abuse who gave me advice that I've never forgotten and held close to my heart.

It was a few years after Evelyn started to try and help those factionless that were tired of how things had been going and formed what became her group. She was still struggling mentally and emotionally and I worried about her exerting herself. After one particularly bad relapse, I begged her to let someone else do the work and go back to Amity at least for a little while. She refused, of course, and I broke down.

At this time I had been under Marcus's tender care for over a year and it was starting to get to me. I didn't tell her what was going on with me but she knew there was something, possibly even something similar to what she was going through. So she gave me the only advice she could but it's something that has helped me get through everything.

She told me that healing doesn't mean the pain never existed, it cannot take away the scars of my past. Healing is a conscious choice to not let the damage control my life. She said there will be times when I won't believe that things can or are better, where the darkness that lives inside of everyone will try and snuff out all traces of hope.

The way to fight it is to keep the core of myself, my fire, buried deep and let nothing touch it. The trick to keeping that flame lit is to constantly feed it, using all those moments of joy and happiness...even just contentment...and feed those to the flame. All those moments that span over a lifetime to make up who we are or hope to be. Then in those times when it's darkest...I let free to burn. She taught me to embrace the moments in between the pain or sorrow and live my life fully and without fear.

Just as I'm reflecting on this, Uri comes bouncing into the dining hall and plops into a seat beside me wearing a grin a mile wide then leans in close to me.

"That thing we talked about doing during initiation, the thing we've been hoping would happen...it's happening today. After breakfast, grab your sister and your jackets and meet us by the fountains near the admin area." He hurriedly whispers, managing to keep his tone low despite his excitement.

I look over to my other friends who are taking seats as well, smiling just as widely and I match their expressions. I can feel my sister looking between us worriedly but I only manage to laugh...probably sounding like an insane person.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

"Where are we going again, stiff?" Peter's low hissed question coming from beside me as he and my sister were struggling to keep up with me in my brisk walk.

I'm still grinning, which probably doesn't help the wary looks these two are still giving me. I shouldn't do it, but I can't help messing with them a little and letting the goofy grin turn wicked as I look over at Peter.

"Patience, dear Peter. All will soon be revealed."

Peter blanches for a second seeing that grin, much like the one I was wearing when I pushed him from the train not so long ago before he narrows his eyes and looks at me harder.

Tris on the other hand elbows me and tells me to cut it out. "Besides just messing with us, what are you up to now?"

"Finally! You made it." I didn't get the chance to answer that as we rounded the last corner to find an eager and impatient Uri already calling to us, along with an amused Lynn standing beside him. Uri stops bouncing in place and scowls at Peter when he sees him. "Why is he here."

"What kind of girlfriend would I be if I left him behind, Uri?"

"A smart one." He snaps out only to hiss in pain after Lynn administers a slap to the back of his head. "Ow! What the hell was that for. I'm only saying what we're all thinking."

"Speak for yourself, Pedrad." She returns, glaring at him. "Remember what the women in your life have said about you butting into business that isn't yours."

"Whatever," He grumbles as we come even with the pair and as Uri deflates. "Let's get going or they might just leave without us," He sighs and starts mumbling that it's unfair to be outnumbered...or something like that.

I don't pay any attention to him. Lynn is already at my side and looking just as excited as I'm feeling. I do end up taking pity on my sister, who is looking absolutely alarmed at the level of excitement Lynn is showing right now.

"Relax, Tris. I promise it really isn't anything bad."

I can still see the look of worry in my sister's eyes, maybe even doubt, and it stings a little. I can't say that I blame her though. I'm pretty sure I said the same thing to her in the past and whatever scheme I was up to turned out badly.

Memories of those incidents start to assault me, making me doubt the wisdom of dragging Tris along with me into something else that could get her hurt. I falter in my steps, stumbling a little and she reaches out to catch me with worry in her eyes.

"You okay? Are you hurting?" She immediately inquires.

"I'm fine," I shrug off her worry about me and look between her and my friends who have stopped as well, watching us. "We don't have to go, not if you don't really want to, Tris. I don't want you to feel like you have to, not like you did when we were kids."

She tilts her head, narrowing her eyes and looking at me intently while frowning. She steps forward and wraps me in a hug then leans in to speak quietly in my ear. "Kat, I was just as responsible for the trouble we got into back then as you were. Maybe more because I'm the big sister and should have known better. I didn't put a stop to things because I wanted to do them just as much as you did. So stop blaming yourself, okay?"

"M'kay," I mumbled quietly after a few seconds and she pulled back from hugging me and I let out a shaky breath.

"Are we good to go?" Lynn asks us when we start walking towards them again. I nod in agreement and Tris smiles, nodding as well.

While Uri goes on ahead to make sure we aren't left behind, Lynn leads the way. When Peter once again questions where we are going, all Lynn says is we will be meeting up with several others and heading out of the compound. Hearing this does make Tris look like she might change her mind but she follows us out of the door anyway even when she vocalizes an objection.

"Guys, we aren't supposed to leave the compound."

"As long as you are with a member you're fine, Tris." Zeke materializes behind us, making us jump then turn to see him grinning at us. "Don't worry. We've made sure to have enough babysitters to take care of you guys."

He laughs loudly and moves away from us quickly headed to the large group gathered by the train tracks. We come up to a debate going on between the other initiates about what we are going to be doing. It's clear everyone knows that there is always a traditional outing but not what they are being taken to do. It's also clear that the people that do know are having way too much fun messing with the others by suggesting some very crazy and very scary things they will be made to do.

Of course, Uri joins the group taunting the others while me, Mar and Lynn just exchange knowing and exasperated looks between us at his antics.

"So, I get that whatever we are doing is some kind of tradition but why aren't the other transfers in on it?" Tris asks us with a frown.

"It isn't really an official tradition, although we are trying to get it changed. This started out as something a few family members of initiates arranged then it grew over the years. It's still considered a family thing but there have been a few transfers that were invited. Or at least the transfers that have made an effort to become friends with or interact with anyone besides just the other transfers." Zeke replies with a shrug.

"No one has actually said what we're doing?" Peter huffs.

"And no one will until we get there," Zeke replies less pleasantly to his question than my sister's.

In the short time since we've been playing boyfriend/girlfriend, neither Zeke or Uri are happy with my supposed relationship with Peter. Uri is a bit more obvious about it. Zeke, while not hostile, is definitely not as friendly to him as he is to just about everyone else. There have been occasions where their reaction has made me worried about what will happen when my real relationship is revealed.

If there is even anything to reveal.

The thought hits me hard enough that I react physically like would if I had been punched in the gut. I'm able to cover this, thankfully, when it's my turn to jump on to the train. We find a place to sit with our backs against the wall. Everyone has the same idea and hardly anyone stays standing up. The only people that are standing are the members that are supervising the outing and they are either grouped by the door or walking to and from the different cars we are spread out in.

The train is filled with the noise of rushing wind and raised voices. My friends have to speak loudly to be heard but I decide to just rest my voice as much as possible. I don't want to risk having to go back to the clinic anytime soon. Shauna would kill me.

We've been on the train for about thirty minutes when Zeke comes over and tells us we'll be jumping soon only to have someone else, a woman named Savannah, came up to tell him that there's been a change of plans and we're going to a new location.

Zeke frowns but then just shrugs it off. "Okay then, just signal this car when it's time to jump."

"Will do,"She nods "But I don't think I'll need to, you'll know when we're there." Then she winks at us and smirks as she walks off.

We all watch her as she makes her way down the cart, spreading the message and a ripple of conversation follows in her wake. Meanwhile, I start watching out the door a bit more closely to try and determine where we could be going. As we pass what I know to be the most commonly used place for zip-lining I start to wonder about the other locations.

The only other one that comes to mind would be where I went with Eric but they specifically said they hardly let anyone go from there but especially not initiates. They made an exception for me, and while I was so happy about it, I also felt guilty. Something I couldn't hide from Eric or the others at the time. When Eric mumbled something about seeing what could be done but I thought he was just trying to get me to feel less guilty about it and had no plans to do anything about it.

Now I wonder if he actually followed through on that, and if he did, it must have been before I ruined things.

I'm not entirely sure of our destination until we get the order to jump with the Space Needle in clear view. The excitement levels are so high everyone is grouped together at the door and bouncing in place, impatient for their turns to jump off.

I stay in a numb kind of disbelief well after we jump and run toward the building but seeing Chase waiting for us at the doors is enough to break through to me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the smile he flashes me so I do a little of both.

It seems to take forever to get everyone sorted out in groups to go up the elevator. Tris rides with Uri and Mar with the second to last group. While the rest of my group are the very last ones and ride up with Chase.

"Was this his idea?" I lean in close to Chase and whisper, though I don't really care if Lynn and Peter hear since they know about Eric anyway.

Chase looks at me, smiling crookedly, and nods. "Do you even have to ask?"

I frown and look away. "Well, yeah...I mean after what I did…" I can't finish and just trail off as my breathing and voice seem to stop at the same time it hurts that bad to even try and say it.

Chase slips his arm over my shoulders and hugs me from the side, holding me like that for a second. "Kat, you're the first person besides us that I can say he gives a shit about. Do you really think he's going to let that go so easily?"

"I don't know but...I hope he won't." I reply honestly.

He nods and squeezes me gently then pulls back smiling. "Talk to him when you're ready."

A little of the weight on my shoulders and the churning in my gut goes away with his words. Not all of it, but enough that I'm able to smile at him in return and put things out of my mind for right now. The elevator has just stopped and I know my sister and friends are waiting for the rest of us to join them.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

"Ugh...this is taking forever," Uri whined as his head thumped against the glass.

"At least we get to wait up here and have this amazing view." Mar is so enraptured she couldn't even break away from looking out over the city.

I don't blame her. Even with having been here before myself I still can't get over how amazing it is to look out over the city from this high up on the observation deck. Around me there are others, like my sister and Peter, who are in similar states as Mar. It makes the wait for our turn to go zip-lining easier.

Or at least it does for most of us. There are a few other initiates that are just as impatient as Uri is right now but their grumblings are lost to the rest of us.

When I was here I knew that larger groups would be difficult to deal with considering the stairwell isn't meant for that many people all huddled up together. Luckily everyone who is here overseeing this knew going in it would be a problem and planned ahead. They opened up the observation deck and are calling us down in groups of no more than seven people. When the groups were organized we drew lots to determine the order.

My group of friends got second.

"This really is amazing," Tris laughs beside me, looking out over the view and gasping slightly when a sudden gust of wind whips around us, stealing are breaths with its force for a second.

"It's breathtaking," I replied cheekily, making us both laugh. "It's also scary...but in a good way."

"It's definitely scary-good as far as the view is concerned. What we're going to be doing shortly...I'll have to reserve my judgment for later."

I swear I hear a low whine beside me and turn my head to look at Peter. He hasn't moved from that spot since I dragged him out here and still has a shell-shocked expression on his face as well but now there is the addition of his skin looking bone white and extremely thinned lips. I feel a pang of sympathy at his predicament. I know he wouldn't be here if it weren't for me being here and his apparent orders from Zach to stick close to me today.

At least he stopped muttering death threats under his breath.

From our vantage point we could see, and faintly hear, the first group as they were launched on the zip-line from several floors below us. I occasionally look over at my sister to see her reaction to watching them go and am pleased to see that she looks excited even though I know she's also extremely nervous. I know I don't have to worry about her refusing to go.

"Second group, time to head down!" The order is barked from the direction of the stairwell.

Uri is off like a shot while the rest of us hurry after him. I laugh along with Mar and Tris as we watch Lynn and Uri have a small shoving match as they try to get out of the door to claim the first spot.

Lynn wins.

I glance over at my sister worriedly, now that it's about to be our turn, her eyes wide but no indication she's going to back down. Even after watching Lynn be rocketed away.

"Tris, Kat….one of you go next?" Uri motions us forward, grinning at the two of us.

"You go, Tris," My sister looks over at me and I nod at her while smiling.

"Are you sure?" From the sparkle in her eye, I can tell she wants to take me up on the offer but our old selfless habits are kicking in, making her hesitate.

"Absolutely. Age goes before beauty after all." I joke and laugh as I dodge her playful swat as she scowls at me.

"Brat," She huffs and bounces over to take her turn.

I was relieved when I saw Chase is one of the two people helping to get people in the sling and secure. I moved close and watched him intently while he worked. At one point he looked up at me and winked after he yanked the straps tight enough to make her gasp a little. I should feel bad because I know just how restrictive that feels, but it makes me feel better knowing she'll be secure against some of those drops she's going to hit.

It all goes too fast for me from there. It feels like she was barely strapped in before Chase launches her off the edge and she shoots forward and becomes a blur on the horizon. Then Chase turns to me with a grin.

"You're up next, Kat." He beckons me forward, holding out his hand to help me into the sling while Uri and Mar are cheering me on. Peter is still looking shell-shocked beside them.

"Just so you know, he wanted to be here today too but he wasn't sure you would want that," Chase whispers while making it look like he's checking over the straps. I turn my head to try and look at him but can't catch his expression well, being restricted like I am. "But I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll see him in the crowd waiting at the end to make sure you're okay."

His words were still ringing in my ears and feeling me with hope and happiness when I shot forward. I feel weightless as I fly through the air with my arms out to my sides. I give myself over to that feeling, temporarily letting go of all the fears and worries that threatened to drag me under.

I know they'll be there again once my feet hit solid ground but I have hope it won't feel like I'm barely treading water anymore with their weight. I have people around me that I love and care about, who care about me as well. There's also something else on the horizon for me that I hadn't expected, or even thought possible. For once there is something to look forward to besides making up for past mistakes, fighting for survival, or keeping my family safe.

For once I see a chance to find out who I could be without those burdens ruling my life.