Chapter 65 - Salted Wound

"Tell her all of how you feel

Give her everything she needs to hear

Give your heart, and say "come take it"

And she will see that you're a good man"

{Salted Wound; Sia}

Eric

The clanking of the weights seems to echo loudly in the deserted gym. Besides myself and Zach there's no one else around and that's exactly how I prefer it right now. I've had just about all I can take of dealing with other people

Today has just been one fucking problem after another.

First off, Max messaged me this morning before I even had coffee telling me he was going to be out of the compound for some meeting that just came up. He wouldn't say about what or with who...but I knew it couldn't have been Jeanine because she was riding my ass all day with email after email until I finally had to agree to arrange a conference call for later in the evening.

Then there was the morning meeting with the junior leaders and department heads, addressing any issues that have come up and delegating others to take care of those. Anything they couldn't handle would need to be taken care of by the five senior leaders.

Raze is out of the compound again for at least another week so it didn't really leave me with many choices to help pick up the slack with Max gone. Between James and Victoria, the only real choice was her...but she shut that down pretty quickly stating there were issues with the septic and waste systems. So unless I wanted the compound to be literally swimming in our own shit...then she needed to be left doing her own thing.

After that, I knew I was better off just doing what I could myself and hoping Max would materialize sooner rather than later. By the time I got all that sorted I had to go right into helping with the fear sims.

From the first day of the second stage we knew there was no way we could operate things with just one person in the simulation room. What had started as just a precaution became necessary when we realized this new serum was fucking with everyone in ways that no one had predicted.

Not even Erudite or Jeanine Matthews had seen this coming.

Almost everyone has to have some kind of mild sedation administered afterwards. By the end of day two we knew we couldn't keep using the same kind of sedative. Considering the main focus of this stage is how the person works through their fear during the simulation and afterwards as well, there was no way they could do that if they were doped up on tranquilizers all the time. So, we decided to switch over to using a lighter version of the peace serum used in Amity called a calming serum. This serum won't knock a person out or make them a zombie (it also thankfully doesn't turn them into a peace-loving hippie) but it helps to let them gain better control of themselves on their own.

For more than a few people though, it requires an actual sedative to be given to them because of how they react when they come out of their fear.

Because of how intense the new serum amplifies the fear and anxiety in each person, as well as how deep under it makes them go, they're still completely immersed in whatever was going on during the sim. That's caused more than a little trouble for the instructors. Kat hasn't been the only one that has to be stopped from fighting back when they come out, although most of them are merely severely freaked out instead of purposely trying to really fight us.

But all that's almost an expected or acceptable reaction compared to the unexpected one that emerged in a few of the other initiates. It seems that there's something about this serum that some people, like Kat's sister, have a genuine sensitivity to that is similar to an allergic reaction.

For instance, Tris's stats showed a thready heart rate, and her oxygen levels dropped. It actually got to the point that it could almost be considered dangerous enough to justify pulling her out completely. There was also a spike in her internal temperature that caused her to break out in a fairly heavy sweat that started almost as soon as she was under.

So far she's had similar reactions every time she's been given the serum and she's not the only one. Our clinic staff is reporting it as an allergic reaction, varying in degrees of severity, but Erudite is pushing back saying that isn't possible.

When Max finally returned - which ended up being about an hour past lunch - from wherever he had been hiding, I was able to give him a report about the trends we're seeing. He already knew about those who are sensitive to the serum but we were waiting to see if the third day might be different.

He wasn't happy when I informed him they don't seem to be getting worse...but they definitely aren't getting better either. Max immediately called a meeting for us to address things in a conference call with Erudite. The purpose was to get the serum switched back to the previous version.

That was something Jeanine refused to do, stating that they didn't have enough of the old serum on hand and it would take too long to produce. Her reason wasn't one we could even argue against...although we did try.

In a more private meeting later with Jeanine, Max got her to admit to the fact that there hadn't been time to do much testing with the newest serum. She tried to dismiss the fact as irrelevant, while also claiming that the reactions we're seeing are most likely signs of divergence...not allergies.

She tried to use Tris Prior's highly suspicious aptitude testing to illustrate her point. This might have worked if it weren't for the fact that the other five initiates being affected in this manner had perfectly normal aptitude tests and have no signs of divergence either.

When she tried to use the fact that Tris's first sim had to be discarded, I informed her that it was only discarded because I made the call that it couldn't be counted. Not after the equipment had taken some damage during the previous sim when Kat struggled after coming out of hers.

I could see her doubt and displeasure at this turn of events, but inside I was relieved as hell to be able to use that excuse. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been any way for me to hide the fact there had been clear evidence that Tris manipulated the sim to get it to end.

Jeanine's displeasure was doubled when Max refused to hear anything about Kat, considering everything that's happened and her current struggles with her sims so far. As much as I hate seeing her struggle, the only good thing to come out of it is the fact that there's no way anyone could claim she's divergent with the performance she's had so far during this stage.

No one left that meeting happy but getting a message from Jeanine afterwards, insisting I find a way to make Max bend and threatening that if I didn't then she would...that left me furious.

"I've been thinking and I might have figured out at least part of why Kat is reacting the way she is to her sim," Zach puffs out in the middle of his bicep curl.

"I'm all ears," I grunt in the middle of my own exercise.

"I think it's not as simple as it being a fear. Instead, I think she has an actual phobia of clowns."

I growl in frustration at myself for not having seen this possibility before now. "Dammit. You're right. I should have seen that was a possibility, but how the fuck would that have even happened?"

Zach sets his weights down now that he's finished his set. I finish, then put mine up a few seconds later.

"I wondered that as well. Where would an Abnegation girl have ever heard about much less actually have seen a clown to know what they are? So I asked her when she was at the clinic yesterday. Apparently, she snuck a book out of the library when she was thirteen and it was all about an evil clown that went around killing kids. It scared her enough that she never finished reading it."

"Of course it had to be because of a goddamn book," I mutter and angrily whip the gloves off my hands then throw them into my open bag in frustration before grabbing my towel and water.

Zach chuckles but doesn't say anything. He just gives me space while I towel off my sweat and chug some water.

Bringing up Kat has brought up a big part of why I'm so angry and completely over people's shit today. Every time I thought I could get away and finally get her alone so we could talk, another damn problem needed my attention.

I knew that small amount of time together before her sim wasn't enough. It never is, especially when I could literally feel her hurt, like a punch to the gut, as she looked at me. Every day that I've stayed away has killed me, but I couldn't let it show...not until I saw she was looking for something from me just as much as I have been from her.

"How was she at dinner?" I ask my friend when he finally takes a seat beside me on the bench.

"Quiet, just like all the other initiates. Even Uri isn't joking around anymore and not even all the cake he can eat seems to be helping. It's saying something when it's worrying some of the old school hardasses, and I've heard more than a few of them complaining that something should be done about it."

"It's not like we're not fucking trying to, Zach. Jeanine claims they don't have enough stock of the old serum and whatever we had of it before the new shit was delivered we already gave it back to them. I didn't think anything of it when they offered to dispose of it since that's a safety precaution we regularly take to avoid administering anything that's expired."

"I know and the word about that is getting around too." He stops and looks like he wants to say something else but thinks better of it.

I know what it was likely to be. Honestly, I don't even give a shit right now that most likely people are cursing me right along with Erudite, thinking I've orchestrated this with them.

They can think what they want and will no matter how much I bust my ass for the faction. The people that matter in leadership know the truth and so do the people who really matter to me personally...and right now all I can think about is one person in particular.

"Did she ask about me when I wasn't there?" I brace myself for his answer, hoping the sign I saw from her earlier wasn't wrong.

Zach shakes his head, but before I can start feeling anything about that he follows it up with an explanation.

"I didn't really give her a chance to, though. As soon as she got to the dining hall I could tell she was looking for you and that she was disappointed that you weren't there. So I made sure to mention what you were stuck doing. That's not going to smooth things over between you two for very much longer, Eric. Sometime soon, one of you is going to have to be the first one to make a move and try to talk things out."

I nod and raise the bottle of water to take a sip, contemplating that look that passed between us right before she went under. Her surprise and wariness mixed in with a little bit of hope, twisted my gut, but it did leave me hopeful that we could get past this or at least that she wanted to try.

As long as I don't fuck it up again by saying the wrong thing or in the wrong way. And let's be honest...there's a really good chance of that happening. That's what's been holding me back. I've said as much to my friend and he's tried to tell me I don't give myself or her enough credit...but my track record begs to differ.

"Well, I could use something other than water to drink," Zach announces as he stands up and moves over to collect his bag.

I'm grateful he isn't trying to push that line of conversation any further. I'm not in the frame of mind for that right now. All I really want after this kind of a day is a nice hot shower, a beer and to not have to deal with any more shit for the next several hours.

**** WFF ****

"This was a mistake...I...I shouldn't have just shown up like this. I'm sorry." I hear the fear and the wobble in Kat's voice as the words come out in a hush.

I don't have time to completely get over the shock and worry I felt as soon as I realized that it was her banging down my door. I don't even have time to ask her if she's okay and where the hell Zach disappeared to.

She's running away from me again but this time I have no intention of letting that happen.

"Don't," I manage to bark out as I lunge to catch Kat before she can get out of the door. I barely make it in time and have to slam a hand against the door just as she's pulling it open. The door rattles with the force I used as I shove it closed and I'm panting hard as I move in closer to her.

She practically plasters herself against it while standing there stiffly, but with a slight tremble that kills me. It's just another sign of how badly I messed things up that she's still afraid of me, even if it seems to have waned a little. I want to make her turn to face me but before I can even think about it I need to get control of the scowl that caused her to run away from me in the first place.

I take a few calming breaths then I reach out and gently put my hands on her shoulders. She flinches away from my touch slightly before she stops herself. Her reaction has me dropping my hands and taking a step back so I'm not crowding her...but I still don't want to let her go if I can help it.

"Are you okay? Did something happen tonight, or were you here to find Zach?"

It seems to take forever for her to reply and when she does it's a hushed, "No," before she falls silent again...still not facing me but at least she isn't making a move to open the door to leave anymore.

"No to which one, Kat?" I ask, trying not to sound too impatient but not being able to hold back the worry from my tone.

"All of them. I'm not okay...not really...but nothing happened tonight, other than not being able to sleep."

It didn't escape my notice that she didn't answer one of my questions and I dread having to repeat it. I breathe out a slight sigh of relief that, at the very least, she's unharmed as I run a hand through my still wet hair in frustration.

"I should go," I hear her mumbling, almost as if she's trying to talk herself into it.

This means she doesn't really want to go and I just need to give her a reason to give into that.

"Kat, if you really want to go then I won't stop you...but you should know that I don't want you to."

"You were so angry when you saw me here, Eric," Kat says, not quite in a whimper but hushed and full of disbelief.

Her body language says everything though, she still hasn't faced me but she's not plastered to the door anymore. She's shuffled backwards, closer to me.

"I was angry but not at you, kitten. I've been angry all day as one mess after another happened to prevent me from doing the one thing I wanted to do more than anything." I stop and take a step closer to her, knowing I shouldn't push her by reaching out for her but not being able to stop myself. "Do you know what that was, Kat?"

When my hand slides against her hip, I keep my touch light, testing her reaction. I'm filled with relief when she doesn't flinch away. In fact, she moves into my touch for a second before she stops herself.

"I...no...I don't know." She pauses and I hear her sucking in a breath before going on, like she was forcing herself to say the words. "What did you want to do?"

I can't help the smile that starts to tilt my lips or the fact that some of my tension eases inside of me but I know I'm not out of the woods yet. I know I'm still likely to say something in the wrong way...but there is something else I can do.

"I need you to look at me, Kat." I hold my breath as I wait for her to either turn to me or...I can't even let myself think about the other option.

Luckily I don't have to, because she starts to slowly turn towards me even if she doesn't look at me right away. I solved that the same way I did earlier today in the sim room, and ran a finger along the edge of her ear.

She gasps and her eyes flash up to look to connect with mine. That only lasts for a second, but I'm not complaining when the eye contact is broken. Not when it's because she followed it up by launching herself at me, burying her head in my chest, and wrapping her arms around me. I don't hesitate to follow that up by wrapping my arms firmly around her and burying my face in the tangled mess of hair bunched up on the top of her head.

"This," I saw while breathing her in, "This is all I've fucking wanted to do, kitten. Not just today, but every day since having to leave you in the clinic. I tried to give you space...but today was a breaking point for me and I had every intention of coming to find you."

Her grip on me tightens and I hear her mumbling something that I can't make out. It's too fast, spoken too lowly and muffled by her face being buried in my chest. I can feel her body trembling and shuddering while she continues to ramble, forcing me to move her away a little so I can hopefully catch some of what she's saying.

Her head was still hanging the entire time and the trembling and shuddering I felt was from her quiet sobs. She's not able to form entire sentences but the gist of it seems to be her apologizing to me for the things she said that morning. I'm able to make out that she also seems to be trying to assure me she doesn't think I'm a monster at all, and that she'll never forgive herself for comparing me to one.

I open my mouth to try and reply but she just keeps on going, like a floodgate was opened for her and now she's letting everything she's been feeling out.

She admits she wanted to hurt me but that was why she ran...because she knew she was going to hurt anyone...and it didn't matter who it was at the time. It could have just as easily been Four or even her sister that she lashed out at. I barely have time to feel any kind of way, neither relief or disbelief, before her ramblings change.

"...and why wouldn't you just wash your hands of me? I'm just one big damaged mess that you would be better off without. I'll only drag you down with me...and get you hurt. Oh god, I can't let that happen. I can't..." She cries out and starts struggling away from me. "Just let me go, Eric!"

Of course, there's no way I'm letting her go and I try to hold her as gently as I can even though that's hard to do in her state. Her eyes are wild and flashing, panicked even. It's a look that she's carried in her eyes more and more as this stage of initiation progresses. Whatever it is that she's been carrying inside her, that she had buried in her mind, it's starting to all come to the surface and overwhelm her.

This was what Zach was talking about. He knew she was going to be like this, had warned me even, especially after that night she ran from the dorm following a nightmare. Seeing her like this, when she's probably not nearly as bad as she had been that night, I know now I wouldn't have been able to help her. Not like he did. I feel the resentment I still felt towards him for denying me the chance to be there starts to lessen when I realize this.

Despite the fact that I'm not equipped to handle this situation, I intend to try, and just hope the instinct and need that are guiding me are the right way to help her.

I simply hold her...and it works.

When she realizes I'm not going to let her go, she stops fighting me and I take advantage of that. I wrap her up in my arms, carry her over to my couch and continue to hold her.

"I got you," I tell her softly over and over again, followed by a few firm but still soft assurances that I'm not letting her go.

I couldn't tell you how long I sat with her like that or how many times I repeated the words but I do know that it wasn't all to reassure her either. Because during that time, the feelings I've been suppressing...the panic and fear of losing her...they rush forward too.

I wouldn't let myself think about how close I came to losing her because it was unacceptable to me to think that I could allow that to ever happen. But I can't deny it anymore.

I almost lost her and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

The reality of that, as well as the fact that I know right down to my core that it won't be the last time where I almost lose her in one way or another, hits me hard enough that I need to be calmed as much as she does.

Then even that isn't enough. I need more...I need her in a way I've tried to control or outright deny.

While I know we do need to have an actual conversation at some point and that we can't put it off for too long, that isn't as important as fulfilling the need I know we both have right now. A need that isn't just physical fulfillment…it goes beyond that in a way I can't define so I don't even try. What I can define is what it's felt like while I've had to keep my distance. Being away from each other left me feeling empty and uncertain...and I know just that she had to have felt the same way too.

All those reasons I gave her about why I wanted to wait before we took things further were just masking the real reason that I definitely wasn't admitting to myself. I've been holding parts of myself back, preventing us from taking that final step because I knew there would be no going back for me if we did.

All the years I've kept my distance from others wasn't because I didn't have a desire, deep down, to have that kind of connection. Even before I got interested in girls that way I knew by watching my parents together...seeing what they had...that I wanted something like they had too.

That part of me never really went away. I just buried it deep, deep inside where I planned to never let it see the light of day again and where it could never make me weak. Not if it meant it would make me weak like it made my father in the end...at least according to my brother that's what happened.

The attack that took my mom away...it didn't take our dad that day. No...he survived...barely..only to succumb to his injuries a few days later. That's the official cause of death, that he died because his body couldn't handle the damage he sustained.

I knew that hadn't been what killed him. I was there by his side and I watched the life leave his eyes as soon as he was told my mom was gone. He gave up and I've hated him for that for so damn long...leaving me behind and not fighting to stay. I vowed I would never let myself be weak like he was, that I would never let myself become so wrapped up in someone else that I couldn't live without them.

The truth was that I wasn't living...just existing. The truth is that it doesn't matter if we wait or not...there never was any going back from this...from her...not from the second I saw her.

The depth of the realization of how strongly I feel for her, and how much she owns me, is almost more than I can handle. It's definitely more than I can put into words. I messed things up before when things got tense and I know that wouldn't have anything on how bad I would mess up if I tried to put my feelings into words.

Luckily my girl grew up understanding that sometimes actions speak much louder than words. At least, I hope she does...because...what I have planned for her is as close to a profession that I can get.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

Kat sighs in pleasure and shifts in my arms until she's facing more towards me, her arms winding around my neck loosely so she can nuzzle her face in the spot at the crook of my neck and shoulder.

I've spent the better part of ten minutes moving from simply holding her, to caressing and stroking her back, arms...and just...anywhere...that I felt like wouldn't be pushing things too hard or fast. But once again, when it comes to Kat my careful plans always have a way of coming completely undone...with a simple word or glance from her. This time though, it's neither of those things. All it takes is an innocent brushing of her lips against mine when she turned her head just as I was going to kiss the top of it.

My need for her overrides my caution...and then I'm kissing her.

The kiss is crushing...bruising even. When I realized this, I did try to assert my control again and tried to pull back. I didn't get far before Kat's nails dig into the back of my neck as she pulls me right back. I don't fight that, in fact, I relish it, and the control that slipped returns when I take charge of the kiss again. This time it's not as hard but still full of my hunger for her and so much more.

I start to feed into it everything I've felt over the last week and when simply kissing or holding her isn't enough, I stand up with her in my arms and carry her to the bedroom.

Kat pulls back and looks at me in confusion when I stood up but when she sees what I'm intending she wraps her arms around my neck and looks at me with a smile. Her eyes are swirling pools of emotions but I can see the relief and happiness there, along with a breathtaking amount of trust.

She's also blushing and gets darker when she looks at the bed over her shoulder as I walk towards it.

"If you would rather we go back to the living room, I can, Kat," I tell her, stopping in my tracks and looking at her worriedly.

"No...I...I just was thinking of this dream I had…" She replies shyly after shaking her head.

"Oh...and what kind of dream had you blushing like that?" I ask with a smirk but prevent her from answering right away when I turn and drop to the bed, sitting with her still in my lap.

She laughs a little at the unexpected move before going quiet and biting her lower lip.

"The thing is...I don't know if it was a dream or a memory. Since the fear sims started, I've started to have flashes of memories come up but sometimes they have a dream-like feel to them."

The admission is something I know she hasn't told Zach...because there is no way he would have kept it from me. I try not to react to how I'm feeling about this new development, but it does make me anxious as hell.

"Can you tell me what it was about?" I reach out and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and take a calming breath while also sending up an internal thanks that at least the one she's thinking of doesn't seem to be a bad one. Maybe if I can get her to open up about this one it might make her more comfortable about revealing others.

She releases her lower lip and sighs then nodding, her blush still very present. "I'm not sure but I think this was about after the incident at capture. The memory or dream...or...whatever it was, seemed to be about me waking up in your bed...but you were there with me and holding me. I think you were saying something to me but I don't remember everything you were saying. All I know is that I was scared and hurting a lot and you were saying some of the same things you did earlier. You were telling me that you had me and weren't going to let me go, you were going to make the pain go away. I don't know if it was real or not but it felt real enough that when I've dreamed about it in the last few days...it helped a little."

"I didn't think you would remember anything from that time," I murmur while I'm also trying to think of what else she might have heard.

"So that really happened?"

"Yeah, that was real, kitten," I reply as I lean forward and brush my lips against hers. "Very real."

"Eric," She sighs out in a whisper against my lips and slowly, almost shyly, rocks her hips forward letting her body communicate with mine.

And just in case I didn't get the message with that gesture, she nips my lower lip drawing a growl out of me as I crush my lips against hers. She continued to move against me, getting less shy with each undulation she made. I could feel the nipples of her pert breasts straining against the fabric of both of our shirts as her chest pressed against mine.

The fire she lights inside of me is building up into an inferno. I can literally feel it pouring off my skin and it only got hotter when I could feel her own fire reflecting back at me. With a growl, deeper this time, I flip us so that she's now under me on the bed. She responds with a moan and by wrapping her legs around my waist, pulling me even closer to her until our centers seem to be joined. No matter the clothing between us I can feel the heat and need she's generating.

I groan into her mouth as she starts to move again only to utter a frustrated whimper. I know what that sound is about and what she's seeking but to give her that I have to break away from this kiss. I have to break contact with her body...and it's fucking torture to drag myself away.

I manage to finally break away from the kiss, panting and groaning when she mewls and tries to pull me back. "I'm not stopping, kitten." I manage to rasp out an assurance and give her one more kiss before she lets me go.

"Jesus," I grit out when I manage to finally pull back enough to really see what she's wearing right now. I hadn't noticed before now, between the shock of her being there and then trying to make sure she didn't leave. I wasn't paying attention to the minor details of what she's wearing...which is just a simple tank top and pajama shorts made from sweatpant-like material.

This might be the second time I've seen her in something like this but I still find her just as fucking sexy as I did the first time.

Especially with those socks pulled all the way up, almost to her knees and…what the hell is wrong with me and my obsession with fucking feet all of the sudden!

With a growl, I decide those shoes and socks are the first fucking thing that need to go. Only the damn things give me a problem and don't come off as nicely as I imagined they would in mind.

"Stupid...fucking...socks" I grunt out each word, causing Kat to giggle softly.

The sound of that, which is something I hadn't realized I missed so fucking much until now, stokes my need for her even more, causing me to blur through undressing her. That laughter is quickly turned into a gasp and moan when I waste no time in relieving her of everything but her underwear.

Things become a need-driven blur from there. I fall into her, or that's what it feels like at least. I barely find it in me to follow her gasped pleas and motions to get me undressed, or at least to take my shirt off. I do that much at least before going right back to her.

We haven't been separated for more than a week but it's felt like a lifetime to me, and so much of her has changed during that time frame.

From the new haircut, and piercings, to the slight changes in her figure (some of it imagined while the rest is real and caused by a slight amount of stress and nightmare-induced weight loss). It all begs to be explored and memorized again and again. Only when that need is satisfied do I move on to the next, which is to hear Kat come undone for me again as many times as she can take.

"Eric, I can't…" Kat gasps out while grabbing my arm and holding it still before I could try and squeeze one more climax out of her. Her body is shaking against mine, so I gather her back up in my arms and hold and soothe her.

"It's okay, kitten," I assure her when she started to try and apologize, saying she didn't want to stop and that it just got to intense there for a minute. I'm coming to the realization that sometimes it's necessary to say it out loud...so spell things out. My problem is that it's hard for me to find the right words

"Eric?" I feel Kat's hand at the side of my face and hear the worry in her voice as she's looking at me.

I realize that, while I'm not quite scowling right now, I have been frowning pretty hard. I kiss the top of her forehead, then cup the sides of her face and stroke her with my thumbs as I pull back to look at her. "As of tonight...no more boundaries or rules...at least not from me. Nothing happens here unless you want it to happen...you control how far this goes."

My tone is calm, soft, and reassuring...at least I hope it is...but my heart is racing as I wait for her response. Wondering if she understands the things I've said..and what I couldn't.

"No boundaries?" She all whispers the question and I shake my head in response.

She's shocked and wide-eyed for all of a few seconds before she blushes and bites her bottom lip while looking down. When she looks back up at me she's wearing a wicked grin that makes me groan softly.

"I'll try not to make you regret that…" She pauses then licks her lips and smiles "...well, not too much."