Chapter 66 - Who's In Control?
Kat
"Eric...I can't…" I gasp out and grab hold of his arm and pull it away from my over-sensitive flesh.
I'm shaking, my heart is beating wildly, every nerve in my body is crackling with some kind of sensation...and my mind...my mind is a complete mess right now. There are tears in my eyes and I can't tell you if they're from the happiness, relief, or the almost painful pleasure he's been subjecting me to.
Eric is looking at me with so much concern and emotion as he holds me in his arms, cradling me protectively. My head is still reeling from the intensity he was just exhibiting...the emotion he poured into giving me pleasure.
"I don't want to stop, Eric. I just...I need a minute."
Stopping him kills me. I don't want to stop but if I let him keep going in the state he's in...I'm afraid we're going to do something he's said many times that he doesn't want to happen. I know Eric well enough to know what losing control and breaking his promises will mean to him in the long run, and I can't risk him regretting or feeling resentment for it.
That, more than anything, is why I had to pause things. So I could catch my breath and be able to think properly.
"It's okay, kitten," He murmurs and brushes his lips against my forehead before pulling back.
He's looking at me but there's an almost far away glaze to his eyes. Like he's not really seeing me and whatever it is that he is seeing, whatever he's thinking or feeling, is making him frown heavily.
"Eric?" I worriedly said his name, calling him back to me while I reached up to put a hand on the side of his face.
It works, the frown melts away and he smiles softly before kissing my forehead again. This time his lips linger longer and he breathes deeply.
"As of tonight...no more boundaries or rules...at least not from me. Nothing happens here unless you want it to happen...you control how far this goes." He says after pulling away enough so that we can see each other clearly. His tone is soft, but firm and sure, making it sound like both a suggestion and a command at the same time.
His eyes have always had more of a gunmetal blue tint to them, mostly blue with slivers of grey. Right now they are so calm and clear, that the only way I can describe the color is ocean blue.
It takes me a second to understand the words he said being as distracted as I was.
"No boundaries?" My eyes widened and I couldn't help but gasp the words out in shock when I realized what he said and how...absolutely...sure he was about it. He replies with a simple shake of his head, letting me know there was no misunderstanding.
My heart and mind are racing like crazy as I look down, tugging my bottom lip between my teeth as a whirlwind of thoughts stream through my mind.
A war is being waged inside of me. Doubt, insecurity, and nervousness are on one side. While the other side is made up of my desire and need for Eric. The one that ends up winning is the one that's strongest...the one that's always been the strongest when it comes to him. My feelings for Eric...my need for him...seems to overrule everything else.
It didn't take long for me to come to this decision, but when I do, a flood of more thoughts start to break free in my mind. Showing me all the things I've imagined doing to Eric if given half the chance...and I don't even try to stop the wicked smile that graces my lips.
"I'll try not to make you regret that." I answer honestly, with a tinge of worry that he still might not mean what he said. I lick my lips as his eyes darken. "Well, not too much." I finish with a whisper and a smile.
**** Worth Fighting For ****
Eric's answer to my challenge was to groan, then growl as he pulled me in for a kiss. I could tell that despite his statement he was going to hand over control to me that he's struggling with actually following through with that promise. If I'm honest, I'm struggling to let him follow through with it as well. As much as I love when he takes control...I think I need this just as much as he needs to let me.
I remember when Eric said I wasn't ready to go all the way, and how much I wanted to deny that claim. Especially when he's the one that's been making all these rules about how far we could go.
That night was highly emotional...for both of us...but for me it was much more so. Things seemed to change so fast between me and Eric, that I was still more than a little unsure of what everything meant. I went from thinking he absolutely didn't want me the way I wanted him (especially after having just seen him with another girl) to us suddenly being together.
In the aftermath of that night and everything that's happened since then, I had to admit that Eric was right to stop us because I really wasn't ready. Although not entirely for the reasons he might have had in mind at the time..
Now that I've had time to process things, I realized there was a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to think this thing between me and Eric could be anything more than wishful thinking and fantasies on my side. Partly because of my insecurities, but mostly I think it was down to the fact that I believed I shouldn't allow it to go anywhere.
Because, truthfully, Eric wasn't the only one being held back by self-made promises, unspoken or otherwise.
Years ago I made a promise to myself that has controlled my every waking moment since then. I promised to never put anything or anyone ahead of keeping my family safe, protecting the city, and trying to give Dauntless back what I felt like I stole from them with my selfish and reckless actions.
The first time I ever broke one of those promises was when I let Tobias Eaton into my heart as a friend, only to have him break it and put my family even more in danger than I realized they had been all along.
At the time, in my hurt and fear, I went too far in trying to prevent that from happening again by shutting anyone else out...even my family.
It took a few years before I felt brave or healed enough to do that again and that was after meeting both Amar and Evelyn. They're the ones that helped me to realize that by closing myself off I was giving Marcus exactly what he wanted, control of me, even if they didn't know that's what they had done for me.
This thing Eric's doing, giving up his control here tonight, means everything. I realized over the last few days that there has been some part of me that still has been holding back with him. So it allows me to break one more chain of my past so I can move forward and truly live my life.
Something I know I want to do with Eric by my side.
Pulling back from the kiss I can't help but feel immense pleasure when I see Eric have to forcefully stop himself from jerking me back to him. I watch him clench his fists when I slide off his lap, then the bed, and come to a stand at the side of it looking at him with a smirk.
That's about where my confidence starts to waver and the bold actions I imagined in my mind start to wither away until I only have a few of them left. Hopefully enough to buy me time to think of more.
I'm standing in front of Eric, wearing nothing but my underwear, while he's still got everything but his shirt on. That's something I intend to change.
His eyes are burning my skin as they move over me. He sits there like a statue, so still that I don't even see any indication he's still breathing. That's how tightly he has himself reined in...that he can't even allow himself to breathe properly or move at all.
With a smile I reach up and start to undo my hair that has surprisingly remained mostly contained in it's bun on top of my head. Knowing how much he likes it down (especially how much he loves to do this himself) I'm counting on this to grab his attention.
I watch his expression as I free my hair and then slowly card my hands through it, untangling and setting it free in waves. As I hoped his eyes darken, his nostrils flared a little, and the muscles and veins in his arms twitch when he clenched his fists even further. He watches me with the narrowed eyes of a hunter, clocking each movement of my hands. He even growls a little when I release a small moan of pleasure.
I almost lose my composure when he starts scowling at me like I'm depriving him of his favorite toy.
"You know...something's wrong with this picture," I sigh out as I flick my hair over my shoulder then put a hand on my hip and eye him with a smirk. He simply arched an eyebrow up in silent question and a smile spreads across my face. "Here I am," I casually waved one hand over my almost-naked self then back at him, "...and there you are. With way too many clothes on. You should fix that."
It takes only a split second for my words to register for him and when they do, he grins wolfishly. I was prepared for something like that, but not for him to spring out to grab me then toss me on the bed.
I let out a very undignified squawk then sat up in bed to glare at where he's smirking down on me. He lets his eyes move over me and the cocky smirk lessens a bit as he takes a step back and begins to undress slowly.
He never moves his eyes from mine. Not even when I can't stand being so far away, so I move until I'm kneeling on the bed at the very edge, just waiting for him to get close enough for me to touch him again.
Eric's smirk fades into nothing with each item that drops to the floor and then tension rises, pulling us back to one another. I'm kneeling so close to the edge of the bed in order to be closer to him that I'm in danger of falling off. As soon as he's finished he's in front of me.
When my hands make contact with him I can't stop the sigh of relief and a murmur of pleasure. I immediately start to run my hands over the expanse of his chest and abdomen, reveling in the luxury of both the time and control being given to me tonight.
I know I'm pushing the limits of his control as I slowly explore him with my hands and lips. I can feel the tightness of his body, especially when I move off the bed so that I can do to the back of him what I was doing to his front. His muscles, even more defined in their straining to stay still, are as hard as the marble.
If it weren't for his body heat, I could almost believe my hands were exploring some old roman statue of the god of war. That comparison becomes even more truthful in my mind every time I discover another scar I've never noticed before. The ones I knew about on his upper body are mostly covered by tattoos, but there are several that aren't and they have that pinkish look to them that suggests they are fairly new.
I shake off what that makes me feel inside, not wanting to ruin this moment between us. This is helped after his reaction when I brush my hand against his ass and I feel his boxer covered butt cheeks clench in response. I can't help the giggle that escapes me.
Eric makes this weird noise, a cross between a growl and huff, but otherwise stays still and I slide to his front again, determined to rid him of that final barrier between us. I smile up at him as I start to sink to my knees, letting my hands dance across his skin until they come to rest on his thighs.
His corded, hard thighs. My fingers dance across his skin, slightly raking my fingernails upwards as my hands make their way up. His muscles jump underneath my skin and I hear his breathing becoming more pant like and strained.
I lift my eyes to meet his just as my hands reach the waistband of his boxers...then I let them fall back to his thighs with a grin and lean forward to nuzzle against him, only to be stopped.
Eric's hand darts down to grip my chin firmly, forcing me to look back up at him. His eyes are blazing with hunger and I can see his restraint being tested. His chest is heaving as he looks down at me.
"Before you get carried away, just know that after midnight the gloves come off, kitten. You might have control right now but when your time's up...I will be taking over...and I'll remember everything you've done then return that to you two fold." He delivers this with a calm confidence, his words soft and silky, making it all that more poignant.
I gulp but manage to stop the shiver of trepidation running through me at his warning. I don't doubt that he means my time limit is going to be midnight on the dot. I decide that I better get going since it's already dangerously close to as it is.
"Then I better make what time I have left count," I raise myself from my kneeling position and step back a little. His hand drops and he eyes me as I smile back at him then use my chin to indicate he should finish undressing. I can't seem to make myself form the words now that my mouth is dry from a sudden rush of major nerves.
He chuckles lightly, knowingly, letting me know that while I'm trying to brush off how his words affected me I'm not quite successful. One tug is all it takes until he has them down enough that they slipped the rest of the way on their own. He quickly steps out of them, using his foot to kick them away.
Eric's eyes never left mine and once he was free of any clothing he lifted his arms out to the sides of his body as if to say, here I am….do your worst.
I lick my lips, barely managing to keep my eyes on his and not on the very obvious erection he has right now, then reach out for him. I grab his hand with one of mine while the other goes to his chest and my lips find his. Even as we're kissing I'm moving us, so that now I'm off the bed again and our positions are switched. His back is to the bed and I slowly guide him until he's sinking down onto it.
I don't break the kiss as I wrap my arms around his neck and start to slide into his lap. I have a bit of trouble at first. Realizing I'll need to see what I'm doing I start to break away until he solves my gripping my hips, lifting me and then settling me into his lap.
I blush and huff, making him smile and brush his nose against mine, as if he's about to resume our kiss...only he stops just before his lips can make contact and just hovers there instead. It feels like it takes me forever to realize he isn't going to kiss me like I thought, but when I do I growl then grab the back of his head until his lips are on mine again.
Having total control quickly becomes slightly irritating when Eric seems hell bent on following that to the letter, even while we're kissing. He's giving me exactly what I wanted, and admittedly I'm enjoying that control...I also miss the passion and hunger when he takes over.
In frustration, I push him onto his back and readjust myself. I don't know if I meant to do it, but when I did this I also moved so that I am in a perfect position over his erection. I lightly grind myself against him, causing both me and Eric to groan together.
It feels good.
Really, really good.
I wonder why the hell we've never done this before as I rock my hips back and forth and start to lose myself to the pleasure coursing through me. Under me, Eric has been slowly loosening his tight rein on himself. The first slip was when he gently tugged me forward so that we were chest to chest again and moaning into each other's mouths. The last was when he thrust his hips forward, pushing himself harder against me and bumping my clit through the fabric of my panties.
My will to tease him some more is slipping as I start to lose myself in search for a release I'm not ready for yet. I have to force myself to move to the next stage by starting to kiss my way down his chest.
"No, no, no…" Eric groans out when my intent becomes clear.
He growls and tries to pull me back up. I let him get me as far as claiming my mouth before I break away again and sit up to look down at him. I'm still straddling him but this time I purposely don't settle on him like I had been. Instead, I cross my arms over my chest and quirk an eyebrow at him.
"Am I the one in control here or not, Eric?" My voice doesn't sound like my own right now. Not only is it somewhat haughty, it's also slightly husky and full of desire.
I let my hands fall to his stomach and slowly lower myself again, causing Eric to suck in a hiss of breath and a muttered curse.
"I made a promise, Kat, and I intend to keep it." He finally replies through gritted teeth. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out then opens them again to look at me. His eyes hold that promise, that he's going to make sure he keeps it no matter how much he might be tempted to break it.
Those eyes are speaking to me again, saying things he can't, won't or doesn't know how to tell me. It's a look so intense that it would have anyone else shifting uncomfortably and ready to run. Not me. In me it sends shivers down my spine and sends warmth through every part of me. Because I realize what he's really trying to say to me with his action of handing over control to me and through his patient silence.
I find myself leaning forward towards him without ever realizing I was moving, until our foreheads are pressed together and we're breathing each other in.
"You won't hurt me," I breathe out, trying to push the absolute certainty through in those simple words. His hand goes to my hair, fisting in it as he closes his eyes and grunts in disagreement. "You won't." I tell him more forcefully than before.
His eyes open again, guarded and his expression blank but he moves us in agitation until he's sitting up and we are chest to chest. "I've read all about how painful it is for a girl the first time, kitten. Even letting you be in control won't be enough to stop it from hurting a little."
I blink a few times, processing his words and when I do, I barely stop myself from giggling out in surprise. "You researched how to take a girl's virginity?"
My muffled laughter turns into a gasp when Eric's other hand joins the one already tangling itself into my hair, pulling my head back just enough that I can clearly see him looking at me with a fiercely determined expression in his eyes.
"No! Not just some random girls, Kat. Yours." He almost snarls out before he stops and takes a breath and softens his tone. "If you haven't become aware of it before now, let me make it perfectly clear how serious I was when I told you that there are no lengths I won't go to to protect you, Kat. I will never allow anyone to hurt you...including myself."
The words come out sounding exactly as they are. A gritty and raw admission, leaving bare a vulnerability that he's trusting me to see and not use against him. It feels heavy, the weight of responsibility, the trust he's placing in me, especially given what recently happened between us.
Maybe that's why he's choosing to do this now, when the wounds I inflicted upon him are still so fresh in us both?
Why doesn't really matter though. All that matters is that he has, and how I chose to react to it. Honestly…words seem so feeble at this moment but I try to come up with something, some way to let him know I see him.
I smile softly at him before I lean forward and gently kiss him. Just not on the lips. Instead I take a page out of his book and press them against his forehead, softly and almost shyly. The tension in his body breaks from him with a ragged sigh. This gives me a bit more courage to continue and I place similar, soft kisses to each of his eyes before moving back to his forehead again. My hands go to his head and thread through his hair the instant he drops his from mine. While he's holding me tight around my waist, I'm almost cradling his head where he has it buried in the crook of my neck.
We remain this way for some time, both of us needing this simple moment of comfort and closeness but there's also a change of atmosphere that's happened. The time of for the teasing torture I was set on delivering is over, and I can tell he feels that as well.
The hunger I had, the desire, has changed into something deeper and more meaningful. It's a raw need to be connected to Eric beyond the ways we already are connected. Because of this connection between us, I know that he needs it just as much but he absolutely needs to keep his promise too.
I know it's up to me to move us towards what we both need. When our lips find each other again it's because I guide his mouth back to mine. Our kisses become so heated and consuming that all I can think about is satisfying the clawing, aching need I have inside of me.
I'm driven by an instinct I don't understand completely but give myself over to. I move against him, rocking my hips back and forth and slow circles. My mouth explores other places besides his mouth, giving him permission to do the same. I boldly take one of his hands and place it over my breast, letting him know I need attention there as well. He gladly takes that prompt but adds his lips to the equation.
This also served as permission to let his hands move over me in other ways until he was stopped by one more obstacle.
Eric pulls back to look at me and then down to where he's skimming his fingers over my hips, specifically along the band of the last barrier between us. It only takes a nod from me, indicating that I'm ready for that, for him to follow my unspoken instructions.
Without a word he gently grasps my hips and lifts me enough, turning at the same time so that he can place me on the bed beside him. I lay back, breathing raggedly as he slid his finger under each side of my panties then pulled them down. He barely has time to toss them to the side before I'm tugging him back to me for another kiss. His body covers mine, so that every inch of me is wrapped up in the heat from every inch of him.
My back arches up towards him and I moan as I feel him settle himself between my legs. He seems to be in no hurry to do more than just let us be like this for now. Close enough that we feel the pleasure of unfettered skin to skin contact but he's braced himself so I don't have the full weight of him against me.
Part of me wants to know what that feels like, while the other is glad he's giving me the time to adjust to this change. I hook my legs behind him, sliding them higher and higher until I feel just the right amount of pressure from his body.
He slides against me and my eyes widen when it drags against me in a way that I've only felt his fingers or tongue before now. In response to my body going tense, Eric moves to hold himself up by one arm and uses the other to cup the side of my face. His smile is tender but strained, and I feel that tension in his entire body above mine.
Another adjustment of my hips and legs causes his hardness to shift against me and I watch in fascination as the veins in his arms and neck become even more pronounced than they already are. I take a second to marvel at the tenderness and restraint he's showing me right now when I know every second has to almost be torture for him.
Eric's head drops with a groan and his lips hover just above mine where we both are breathing raggedly as I start to purposely move my hips, letting him slide against me over and over again.
If I thought the ache inside me was bad before it's even worse now and while I know what I want...what I need...I'm not sure about how to go about getting it.
"Eric, please...I need you but I don't know how." I breathlessly beg him, hoping that will be enough to get him to break out of his promise just enough to get us to the next step.
Thankfully, Eric nods in agreement with a grunt and pulls away...confusing me for a second.
"It'll be better if you're on top, kitten." He mutters his explanation while positioning us so that once again I'm straddling him..
I take him at his word, even though he seems to be as lost on what to do next as I am, but once I'm there doubt and embarrassment falls away, leaving only desire again.
Instead of laying back, he remained sitting up with his hands gently gripping me at the waist and our chests brushing against each other. His soft moans mirror mine as I slowly move against him, a bit more timidly than before and his grip of my hips becomes a bit firmer. If I thought it felt good when I was still wearing underwear, it's nothing to how it feels now that there's nothing between us anymore.
Even though we're kissing I can tell Eric is tuned into me intently as I work closer and closer to taking him into my body. I can feel the strain in his muscles of his thighs and the twitching from his arms, as if he's preparing to lift me off him the second he thinks I give any sign of pain.
My nails dig into his shoulders, where I have him gripped as determination replaces my hesitation. I raise up slightly so we line up better then start to lower myself.
"Slow," Eric breaks away from the kiss with a growl and gripping my hips to make sure I follow that command.
I don't bother arguing with him since I already came to that decision as soon as he started to enter me. There's an immediate sensation of stretching as he enters me and while it's not painful it is uncomfortable.
Not that it stops Eric from watching me closely with a clenched jaw and eyes pinched in worry. I admit that between his worry and my own I fully expect the pain to hit any second but it never really comes.
There's a second of it, when something inside of me seems to make his entrance not be as smooth as it was. Then there was a pinching sensation, intense enough to make me lose my breath for a moment, but just like that it was over and we were joined together.
I moan softly and my head drops forward as I close my eyes and get lost for a second in the feeling of him being inside me before I can move again.
Oh, but when I do decide to move…
Eric groans deep in his chest and I raise my eyes to meet wonder filled eyes a second before he reaches out to cup the sides of my face and kisses me. His worry has fallen away from him completely, so has keeping track of who's in control because we both are, moving in sync with each other.
A haze surrounds us in this moment where words and thoughts escape me. It becomes just a series of sensations and sounds. Whispers of silk moving against silk. Muffled gasps and moans. Blue eyes burning along with green and gold. Pleas whimpered with fevered breath against flesh becoming slick with sweat.
My body finds a home for him inside of me, filling up parts of me I never realized were so empty until he began to claim them...owning them. Really though, it's his eyes that ultimately do this. Completely stripped of the veils that always linger there even when he's trying to let me in, I see how much I own him just as much as he does me.
Time doesn't really seem to have meaning right now but I do know that too soon for my liking I can feel the end is approaching. I'm now laying on the bed with Eric above me. I run my hands over his back, soaking in the feel of his muscles there as he rocks into me again and again.
I can feel them trembling again, but this time it isn't because he's worried about causing me pain. I know this by his murmuring how close he is and how he's encouraging, commanding really, me to let go and come for him. It doesn't take much more than that for that knot in my core to let go in an explosion that has me crying out.
Eric closes his eyes and pulls me tighter against his body with a groan of immense pleasure. He buries his head in my neck; nipping, biting and sucking in between grunts has he thrusts into me deeply and erratically before finally letting go with a yell of my name and one final thrust.
I don't know how long he stays there, with me caressing his back and him breathing heavily into my neck, but when he pulls away I whimper at the loss of him. His lips curl into a smile as he lays on the bed beside me and pulls me against his side.
The silence as we lay there, our breathing becoming steadier and my body becoming heavier, isn't uncomfortable at all. In fact, it's on the verge of lulling me to sleep.
I want to give in and drift to sleep here in his arms, but I know that I can't. I knew coming here tonight would be risking someone finding out and getting Eric in trouble, staying out of my bed in the dorm all night would be too much.
So as much as I want to burrow into his side and let the sandman work his magic on me, I know I'm going to have to leave soon...just not before we do what I came here to do in the first place.
"We need to talk about what happened, Eric." I try to state as calmly as I can.
He tenses beside me and I look up to see him frowning. "We do." He says on a ragged breath, then laces his fingers through where mine lay on his chest and gently squeezes them before letting them go. His frown morphs into a slight smirk as he eyes me with a leer. "But not right now. I believe it just struck midnight, kitten."
I'm barely able to do more than gasp and widen my eyes before he strikes, and I'm somehow tossed over his shoulder looking at his firm ass cheeks as he makes his way into his bathroom with a wicked chuckle.