Chapter 68 - I'm No Angel

Eric

I can count on one hand the times Chase and I had ever come close to an honest to goodness fight in all of our years being friends.

Those rare occasions were in the very early stages of our friendship. Actually, all but one of them occurred during initiation, at a time when everything we were going through was amplified and our tempers were on a hair trigger. There have been times over the intervening years where voices were raised or we went a day or so without really talking in order to give ourselves time to cool down, it's never come as close as we are right now to throwing punches.

It all started when Chase showed up shortly after Kat left last night. I was in the bathroom at the time, so I didn't hear him come in. When I heard someone moving around, I exited pretty quickly…thinking, or rather hoping, that Kat might have changed her mind and came back.

He was standing stiffly in the doorway of my room, his eyes locked onto the mess that was my bed. There was no way he didn't know what had happened in there, especially with Kat's scent lingering heavily in the air all mixed up with mine. I purposely left it like that for a bit longer before my OCD would have me cleaning everything up and making the bed with fresh sheets.

I could feel the pain and anger rolling off him even though I know he was also trying to shove that all down.

The silence lasted all of maybe a few seconds, but it seemed like forever before he turned his eyes on me. He took a deep breath as if to calm himself. I knew that was a mistake since it only made him inhale even more of it. His jaw became tight and his fists clenched at his sides before he turned on his heel.

"She's back at the dorm and went to sleep pretty quickly after getting there. You weren't answering your phone and I knew you would want to know." He called this as he barreled towards the door and out of it. I barely had time to react but managed to grunt out a thanks.

Now here we are, a few hours later…facing off against each other in my kitchen. The straw that broke the proverbial camel's back was me laying out what I wanted to do with Kat in our morning training sessions starting today.

I readily admit that my sessions with Kat, so far, have been pushing the boundaries past what could be considered acceptable. While they hadn't been crazy about what I did in those past sessions, Zach and Chase understood as well as agreed that it was necessary.

So, I already knew this was going to be a tough conversation to have with my brothers. What I hadn't expected was the reaction I got from Chase after only telling them the first part of my plan.

"There is no goddamn way that you two fighting with knives is a good idea. Don't you think that's pushing things too far lately…even for you?" Chase spits out the words angrily.

"Considering this latest attack where she almost fucking died, not to mention the fact that we know there are even bigger threats still out there? No, Chase. I don't think I'm pushing things too far." I spit out with just as much anger.

We aren't quite toe to toe right now, but we are both standing face to face with only a short distance away from each other.

"Believe me, I'm well aware of what almost happened and what other threats are still out there for her. I also know you aren't helping one goddamn bit by continuing to keep her out at all hours of the night."

"Are you seriously going to stand there pretending this reaction is because you're worried I'm putting her in more danger…when we all know what it's really about?" My jaw is tight as I grit the words out.

I'm trying hard to hold my temper and be understanding but I'm not doing such a good job of it right now. It's so charged between us that all it would take is one more word to set us off.

"Enough!" Zach bellows out, stepping between us, his head snapping to look at each of us angrily. His interruption has us backing up a bit from each other but we're still glaring. "This pissing contest isn't going to help. In fact, it'll just make things worse. Especially if you two can't get your shit together by the time Kat gets here. She's already feeling stressed out and guilty enough as it is…I won't let you two add to things with your unresolved issues."

My jaw clenches and I breathe in heavily as I break eye contact with Chase as Zach's words register for me. Some of the anger fades but not quite all of it. My friend sighs and runs a hand through his hair when he sees Chase back down too.

"Chase, there's no denying the points he's made. Before you try and bring it up, the main concern and reservation we had against the extra training is no longer valid. With the first stage over we don't have to worry about her drawing attention by accidentally using any of the advanced techniques he's taught her during one of her fights. So that argument is off the table now." He makes a dismissing motion with his hand and pauses to take a drink from his water before frowning into the glass after a small sip. " As for the rest of his points…" He pauses and sighs heavily. "Although the results of the investigation haven't officially been able to determine anything, I think between the three of us we know whoever attacked her is still in that dorm with her. Granted…her attacker and Edward's might have been completely unrelated and might have even come from outside the dorm…but that actually makes the situation worse, not better. Because that means there are two attackers, maybe more, with unknown motivations that we have to worry about."

"Not to mention all the other crap going on." I can't help muttering out. "The threat from Jeanine is a given." I stop and look Zach straight in the eye as I come to my next point. "And while I have nothing more than suspicions and off-handed comments from Kat about him, I know Marcus Eaton is more of a threat than what we previously suspected."

Zach sighs tiredly and with a resigned look in his eyes he lowers the glass then gives me a half-shoulder shrug. "And I'm not disagreeing with you about that either."

My jaw clenches at this unspoken confirmation that there is something he's not telling me about Kat's past with the bastard.

"I get it." Chase butts into the conversation. It's apparent that while his anger has somewhat lessened, most of it's still there. I can also tell by the set of his shoulders and the look in his eyes, he's still stubbornly determined to object, no matter what. "But come on, Zach, we both know that when those two start going at it…they go hard, and they push each other to go even further still. Adding freaking knives into the equation is bad news and I don't trust either of them to know when to stop."

This isn't about the fucking knives.

I know it. Zach knows it…and although he's not goddamn likely to admit it right now…Chase does too. So I looked at Zach then made a simple motion with my head. Letting him know the two of us needed to be alone to hash this all out. I see his subtle nod back at me before he turns and puts his glass on the counter, then turns and faces us again.

"Kat's alarm normally goes off in a little less than an half an hour from now, but it might take pouring coffee down her throat to get her up this morning. I'll go grab some and take it to her in the dorm." He informs us, already moving away.

We stay in the kitchen, watching him go. I lean against the counter, trying to calm myself down and not lash out. I don't need to have to deal with another strained relationship between me and one of the few people who give a shit about me. Not when I'm just getting things worked out with Kat.

So, I take the time until we hear the door closing behind Zach to think.

I try to put myself in my brother's shoes. I admit it's hard as hell to do because I don't know that I could do what Chase has done. If Kat had chosen him, I honestly don't know if I would have been as good about it…as understanding…as he's been.

I know it makes me a shitty friend but I also can't help that I'm thankful we never had to find that out. Even though I know my actions, as well as the situation, hurts him.

"I get it, you know." I sigh while standing up straight, make my way over to the coffee pot then pour more to add to the dregs still left in my mug. "I mean…I can't claim to be able to completely understand how you're feeling or how you've been able to cope with things until now. But what I do know is this conversation right now isn't about what I'm planning to do in my training sessions with Kat."

I turn back around after I've filled my cup and study his reaction to what I've said so far. I don't expect this to immediately calm him down or resolve the situation…and it doesn't but it also doesn't look like it's making it worse either. I continue on.

"I don't want this to come between us, Chase." This causes the first shift in him, and he looks down at his feet, frowning. "I really don't…I just can't give her up either. I know that makes me a shitty friend…but I can't. I know you're feeling…"

Chase scoffs loudly enough that it interrupts me, his head snapping up to look at me with a scowl, like he's about to say something but then he pauses and shakes his head while sighing. "Look…whatever I might…feel…about Kat…I'll find a way to deal with eventually. That's not what has me so…so…fuck, I don't even know, man. Watching her laying in that hospital bed made me feel just as twisted up, helpless, and angry as you did. Maybe it fucked me up even more because it was like Bethany all over again. I made a promise to myself I wouldn't watch another person I love be hurt….that I would do everything in my power to help her…but what have I really done to fix that or to help since then, Eric?"

There's a pause where he takes a breath, but before I can try and respond he continues on. "I get that Zach is the best one to handle talking shit out with her. And after what happened with her nightmares and stuff, I know it's imperative that she be able to do that with him. Then there's her training…the morning training has always been a thing for the two of you, I honestly get that too and I'm not asking to take that away. But that isn't leaving much room for me to do anything to actually help her."

"That's bullshit, Chase." I say, barely stopping myself from snapping at him. "It might not seem like it…or feel like it right now… but Kat does turn to you as much as she does me and Zach. I know…it might not be in the same way…or the way you want her to…" He starts to object but I hold a hand to stop him. "And I get that you would never act on those feelings…but you can't deny that they are still there for you whether either of us likes it or not. I can't change either of those things."

"You're not wrong…this isn't something that will go away overnight…but I'll be fine. We'll be fine, brother." He says firmly, holding my eyes as he does.

Feeling more than a little relieved I nod back but remain silent, sensing he isn't done now that we're airing all this shit out.

"So yeah, you were right. Some of what was making me upset was about other shit…but it just isn't all about that. You and Zach have valid points…and so do I." He insists while holding my eyes. "Eric…man…I know how the two of you are during your morning sessions. I might not have been there in person, but I've seen you and her going at it on the vid feeds. I've watched you go into things trying to hold back or keep things from getting too intense…but every single time something happens and then any restraint you might have just evaporates. It's like you two go to another zone or something. So far, she's been capable of holding her own without getting hurt too badly…but bringing a weapon into it…I just don't know, Eric. With the things going on in her fear sim and her reaction to those…I think it might be playing with fire in a big way."

I can't deny what he's saying, because it's true. I'm self-aware enough to know what he's saying is correct. Which is why I, thankfully, came up with a solution for the problems I know he's imagining would result from carrying through with my plan.

"Point taken, and that's why I also planned to have one or both of you there from now on." I watch him blink in surprise, and bite back any objections he might have until he hears me out. "I know that she and I can get carried away and we need someone to make sure that doesn't happen now that we're getting into the serious shit. However, that's not the only reason I need you there, Chase."

"Okay, what's the new plan then?" He asks, settling back…a little more at ease and obviously relieved at being able to be part of things.

"I've noticed, and I'm sure you have as well, that the two of us have reached that point where we've become too familiar with each other and our fighting styles. If she's going to progress any further then I think it's time to switch it up, which is where you come in…and Zach too if he's willing to take a turn."

Chase nods, at first with a slight frown, probably wondering the same thing and if Zach could bring himself to spar with Kat like that. Then the frown is quickly replaced by a look of pleased excitement, making me fight back a scowl.

I take a breath to push back my unwanted feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that are threatening to surge forward then continue on laying out my plan. Giving him a vague outline of what I want to accomplish. Then it becomes more bouncing ideas off each other session now that we don't have to focus so much on the fighting aspect of initiation.

Eventually though, our talk turns to recent events and how things are between me and Kat now…even though he already assumed we made up. At first I made a few vague comments about what happened, besides the obvious of course, until he just finally came out and asked me.

"But you talked things out, right?" He asks me, an eyebrow lifted looking a bit confused.

"Yeah," I replied hesitantly, rubbing the back of my neck. A bad habit I seem to have picked up since Kat came along and I found myself in more and more uncomfortable situations like this. "Sort of." I let my hand drop with a scowl then sigh at his half concerned/half disappointed look at me. "She apologized for lashing out and told me she doesn't think I'm a monster. We didn't go into why she reacted the way she did though."

Chase shakes his head, looking amused and frustrated at the same time. "You know you are eventually going to have to use actual words to resolve your issues."

I just roll my eyes in response at first then shrug. "I know. Before going back to the dorm she seemed like she wanted to at least try and talk about things."

"So why didn't you?"

"Because…I don't know…I just couldn't. On one hand, I know we need to talk, on the other I'm fucking terrified to."

"Why?" He asks me softly after a few seconds of silence and me staring off at nothing with a frown.

"Mainly because I know I'm bound to mess things up in some way. Either by saying something wrong…or not being able to tell her what she wants to hear. I don't know if I can honestly apologize for the past…what I've done or how I acted. While I acknowledge most of that was because I was doing what I thought was right at the time, any of the ways I've tried to mentally explain that feels too much like I'm trying to make excuses for myself, when I'm definitely not and never will. I've done what I've done because I had to, and nothing I can do is going to change that. But, also, when it comes down to it…I know that I would honestly do the same things all over again if all I had was the same intel as I did then. So in the end, the truth is that this is part of who I am. If something is threatening the city, this faction, or anyone I care about…I'm going to fucking do what needs to be done regardless of what anyone else thinks. I'm not going to apologize for who I am and I can't change that about myself. No matter the reason."

I leave unspoken what I'm most afraid of, that she won't be able to really accept that about me or will want to try to change me.

My friend nods, slowly and thoughtfully, as if he's picking up everything I'm leaving unsaid…which of course he does. He finally huffs out a breath and shrugs. "I don't think you need to worry about Kat wanting to change you, or even demanding an apology from you. She's told you before she knew all about your reputation before she came here, so it's not like she came into this blind to that aspect. But I can get how it might worry you that at some point, how you have to behave out there is going to come between you two again. I think you just need to do what Zach suggested, be honest with her. You need to finally tell her about Jeanine and your brother, more about your past and how you got to where you are now. You can't expect her to come clean about what's going on with her if you aren't willing to do the same."

I simply nod in return while heaving an internal sigh. These are all things I already rationally know but just need to man up and actually do. The one thing I worry about most that I hadn't spoken aloud or alluded to is the one that is holding me back the most.

And that's my worry about how I'm going to feel or react when she finally opens up to me too. I can feel the anger and fear for her simmering beneath my skin and pulsing through my veins. That's without even knowing specifics or details.

'Fuck…how am I going to get through this? I can't afford to lose my shit around her or she's going to close down and then possibly never open up to me again.'

"Maybe the rest of us should go have breakfast in the dining hall this morning so you two can talk." Chase suggests, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Not a bad idea," I start to agree before stopping myself with a scowl, then pull out my phone to shoot off a message to Zach. Chase raises a questioning eyebrow at me. "I just had a thought that the two of us being alone here in the apartment might not be the best place to be if we're going to have an actual conversation. So I asked him to bring Kat to my office."

I ignore his quiet chuckle as I get up with a grunt then make my way to the kitchen. Zach messages me back just as I'm finishing cleaning up from our morning coffee and agrees with me as well as suggesting that I pick up something for the two of us to have for breakfast.

That leaves me scowling for a second as I ponder what to get. He comes to my rescue by informing me of a few things she would mostly likely enjoy given her dislike of anything overly sweet or too rich, which tends to be a lot of what is sold in the mornings.

A few seconds after that he sends yet another message stating I need to make sure to have plenty of coffee available.

I'm guessing his joking prediction of needing to pour it down her throat to get her awake wasn't such a joke after all.

"Yo, Chase, I'm gonna need you to lock up for me. I have to make a stop before going to my office." I call out, shoving my phone into my pocket and making a beeline to grab the rest of my shit so I can get out of here.

I faintly hear him calling a reply and a parting good luck to me as the door closes behind my quick exit.

'They've gotta stop saying that to shit to me,' I can't help mentally cursing. My brother's keep wishing me luck and yeah, so far that luck has sort of held out.

Eventually though, it's bound to run out.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

I'm grateful Zach was able to give me a heads up on what Kat would like and what the place I'm going will have available, because that meant I came in knowing what I wanted already. I even had the presence of mind to grab my thermos to fill with coffee, since I'm unsure exactly how much it's going to take to satisfy her current need for it.

Along with two of their egg and veggie breakfast sandwiches, I picked up a few of their baked goods. I usually don't go for those types of things myself, especially the overly sweet ones, so it's with relief I remembered that they usually have available pastries with just a bit of a lightly sweetened cheese and fruit center that I think she'll like.

I gruffly give the people there my order along with instructions on how I want them to package it up, then move away to let them work. It's obvious I made the girl behind the counter nervous and she looked grateful to duck into the kitchen area. The other guy filled the thermos then gathered the rest of the items as well as got the bags ready to be loaded up per my request.

While I'm waiting, I thumb through my emails and messages trying to lay out my plan for the day and make sure nothing will interrupt my morning with Kat. Thankfully there doesn't seem to be anything urgent that's come up yet and I'm hoping it stays that way. At least I don't expect Jeanine to need to contact me anytime today since we had an extra long meeting last night.

It doesn't take long for my stuff to be ready and presented to me exactly as I ordered it to be. Pleased with their speed and efficiency I grunt out something resembling a thanks, then leave. I make it to my office and still haven't gotten a notification from Zach telling me they're on their way. Worried, I message him, asking if everything is okay.

I breathe out a sigh of relief when he tells me that everything is fine, she's just obviously exhausted and it took her longer than normal to get ready and he expected her to be out shortly.

I tried to keep myself busy while at the same time trying to mentally prepare for the conversation we needed to have but with every second I grew more impatient and apprehensive. I gave up calmly waiting at my desk and instead stood at my open door with my eyes trained down the hallway that I knew would come down.

*****Worth Fighting For*****

Kat

The first thing that registers when I start to wake up is the smell of coffee. Still exhausted and attributing it to wishful dreaming, I groan and burrow further into the covers, hoping for just a bit more rest…dreading the moment my alarm finally goes off.

Despite trying to dismiss the smell as my imagination, it gets stronger. The fact that I'm now actually feeling warmth, as if a cup of it is somewhere near me, causes me to finally pop an eye open to see what the hell is going on.

That's when I see Zach crouched beside my bed with one of the dining hall mugs in his hand, holding it close to my face with its steam pouring out of the top of it directly under my nose. I blink in confusion, wondering why he's here then turn my watch to blearily look at the time. I blink even more when I see that there's at least 15 minutes before it goes off.

'He better have a hell of a reason for waking me up right now. That's an entire 15 more minutes of sleep I could be getting! 20 if I use my snooze setting!' I moodily pout in my head.

I slowly start to sit up, scowling then I take a breath to grumpily tell him off. He shushes me with a finger to his lips and shoves the cup of coffee at me. On instinct I grab it, but for a brief second I seriously consider doing something rather rude with one of my hands as well. Instead I grudgingly let him help me sit the rest of the way up. When he sees I'm stable enough to sit up on my own and that I've already started to inhale his offering, he leans in with a smirk.

"Drink that and get dressed out as quickly as you can. Eric's starting your morning punishments up again." He quietly informs me.

Before I can reply and tell him that Eric already told me this himself last night, he pulls back and gives me a pointed look. Realizing what I was just about to blurt out, I blush and nod back at him with a sheepish smile.

"Thank you," I mostly mouth to him and lift the cup as indication of what I'm talking about.

He smirks and nods back. "I'll be waiting outside."

Once he sees my return nod, he moves away from the bed over towards Peter and I go back to drinking my coffee while trying to cool it down at the same time as I look around me.

It's not pitch black in here but still a rather dark room. There's at least enough light to be able to generally move around and get ready without crashing into things.

There's also enough light to be able to tell who's in their beds and who's not.

That's how I'm able to tell Tris is definitely not in hers. I frown as I continue drinking, trying to think back to when I returned to the dorm. I know she was there, because I remember feeling relieved she hadn't woken up and went looking for me while I was gone.

I start to get worried about what could have happened until I remember my own reason for leaving last night. How stressed, anxious, and restless I felt even after the exhausting day I had.

While Tris hasn't, and probably would never voluntarily, admit to me or anyone else that the sims are affecting her as bad as they are everyone right now, I know that they have to be. I'm currently torn about how to feel about that. A large part of me is feeling guilt and sadness that I can't be there for her, not like I want to be. The other part of me, an admittedly smaller and almost reluctant part of me, is glad that she does have someone she can go to, even if that someone is Four.

I'm hit with a pang of a combination of emotions that I've become very familiar with over the years. As always, it includes the sense that a piece of me is missing, and I know without a doubt that missing piece is my sister. While things between us have gotten better, I can't help the feeling of dread that's hanging over me for when the time comes and all my secrets are finally revealed.

I can only pray that when everything finally comes out, I don't lose my sister for good this time.

In the time it took me to finish my cup of coffee and wake up a bit more, Peter had apparently gotten dressed and started to impatiently wait for me at the end of my bed. I watch him tap his foot a few times before I slide off the bed with a sigh.

"Just take this and go wait with Zach," I order him with a huff and press the empty mug into his hand.

He doesn't bother to object or respond at all and seems to be not much more awake than I am as he shuffles towards the door.

It's mornings like this that I'm especially glad for my nightly habit of preparing and laying out everything I might need for the next day. I get dressed and make my bed, but it feels like I'm running in super slow motion. Every action seems to exhaust what little energy I got from my first dose of coffee. By the time I drag myself out of the door, it's clear to me I'm going to need much more than that to get through whatever Eric has in store for me.

I guess Zach had been of a similar mind because I stepped out of the dorm to find him with another cup ready and waiting for me. This one wasn't as hot as the first one. So apparently it had taken me long enough to get dressed that it cooled down significantly. That didn't bother me though. In fact, I was rather happy since it allowed me to toss it back like some people toss back a beer or a shot around here.

"Damn," Peter muttered, watching me in disbelief while Zach chuckles.

After downing my coffee I frown into my cup, hoping if I do it hard enough that it will materialize more for me. Zach snorts, shakes his head and then starts typing something out on his phone. He had gotten a text almost as soon as I joined them and seemed to be still involved in that conversation even as he watched what was going on with clear amusement.

"There's been a change of plans for breakfast this morning." He mumbles as he puts his phone up then looks up between the two of us and smirks. "Kat, you'll be meeting Eric at his office while the rest of us grab breakfast somewhere else this morning."

"Oh," I respond with a frown then ask hopefully. "Can I at least grab another coffee?"

"Already taken care of. He has breakfast and coffee waiting for you there." He nods while laughing.

"Okay," I respond with a shrug, trying to unsuccessfully hold back a yawn.

"Can we get going already? I'm hungry and need coffee too." Peter demands, running a hand over his face tiredly.

We start walking, with Peter yawning and grumbling every few steps. While I can't say I'm any better, I am alert enough to notice a few looks coming my way from the few people we pass by. These get a bit more frequent the more people we pass when we stop off to drop our empty mugs back in the dining hall.

Confused and wondering if I somehow left something off when getting dressed while in the state I was in, I looked down at myself. At first glance, all seems well. Today I'm just wearing a pair of my longer black leggings, a black tank and a light, long sleeve workout jacket that I've left unzipped for now. I just threw my hair into a ponytail that admittedly isn't as neat as I usually have it done in. Nothing about me is too out of the ordinary or outrageous that it should be drawing that much attention.

That's when I remember the state Eric left me and the fact that my clothes leave a good majority of it exposed in the neck area. I also remember my conversation with Peter afterwards and what we decided, so I grab his arm and drape it over my shoulders.

He stiffens a little and looks like he's about to pull away so I decide to play it up even more. "Aww, sweetie….was I too much to handle last night?" I ask sweetly while batting my lashes at him in the way I've seen Mar doing to Uri.

His scowl makes me smile widely. Zach snorts in laughter and turns away trying to hide it. Peter turns red around his ears, but plays along. He even relaxes a little as we make our way to the administrative part of the building.

This section of the compound always has more than a few people milling around. Most are usually going to or from the control room for their shifts. At this hour there aren't many people and those we do pass don't give us a second look.

However, when we get to the corridor that Eric's office is on he tenses, then abruptly pulls his arm away completely. As he's dropping it he puts his hand on my upper arm, and uses his patting gesture to push me away from him. I look back with a scowl and see he's not even looking at me. Both Peter and Zach are looking further down the hall from me. Right about then I feel a tingle at the back of my, making me face forward again.

There, standing midway down the corridor, is Eric.

His office door opened and he's standing half in and half out of it, facing our direction. His arms are crossed over his chest and his expression is blank…but his body language and his eyes are radiating obvious displeasure right now…if not outright anger.

A throat clears behind me, along with the sounds of feet shuffling to a stop, making me look back in their direction. "Umm…yeah. I think you got it from here, stiff." Peter mumbles out, his nervousness obvious.

"We'll see you at lunch." Zach adds with a slight warning glare sent Eric's way before turning his focus on me with a smile. "Hopefully this morning isn't too painful for you. Then again…it is Eric we're talking about." He says with a wry grin.

His tone is loud enough to carry down the hall to the man in question as well as anyone else who is in the area. I can tell it's purposefully done to add to the illusion that this is really a punishment. I can also sense a little truth and worry coming from him, like he knows something I don't know about what's in store for me.

I nod with a tired sigh and turn away, shuffling closer to whatever hell Eric has planned. Honestly, I'm fine with it, as long as I can get that promised cup of coffee before he starts the torture.

"You're wasting my time, Initiate." He barks out when he sees that I'm heading towards him then he disappears into his office and I continue to shuffle forward toward my doom.

I find him leaning against the front of his desk, arms crossed over his chest and scowling at me.

"Finally. Now shut the door." He snaps, his tone not as loud as it was in the hallway but still carries enough for anyone still out there to hear him.

"Yes, sir," I reply as I resist the urge to get grumpy or snarky with him. Instead, I just turn to do what I'm told.

I knew the second the door was closed his attitude would change a bit. He would lose some of the unapproachable asshole demeanor he carries out in public. I also knew that it wouldn't be completely gone, not with how pissed he seems.

I was right on both accounts. He's on me before I can even fully turn my body back towards him. I'm sandwiched between the door and him, with his arms bracketing me in.

"Care to explain just what the hell was going on with you and Peter out there?" He hissed out dangerously as he leaned closer so we're face to face now.

"Considering the state you left me in last night I had to do something to explain where all of these came from." I scoff and put my hands against his chest to push him away a bit, giving me some room so I can then motion to the exposed parts of me which are marked up. "The only logical choice was to let people assume they came from the guy who's supposed to be my boyfriend. Unless you know of a way to explain how these kinds of marks would suddenly appear for no reason?"

His eyes follow my movements intently, taking me in as a smug grin crawls across his face. His eyes darken in a way I've come to know well as he licks his lips and leans in even closer until he's just a hair's breadth away from our lips touching.

"I can handle that much as long as he knows that if he takes it any further…"

"Yeah, yeah…pain…lots and lots of pain." I sass out in a breathy sigh. "He's well aware of that."

"Good," He growls then slams his lips onto mine reaching out to jerk my body against his.

It's a little confusing trying to work out why I'm not more upset about his unreasonable jealousy. On one hand, it's upsetting and makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. Making me internally question how he would feel if I was acting like he is right now.

Then out of nowhere an image of that girl from the pit touching him flashes through my mind, and suddenly I can completely understand where he's coming from.

When Eric starts to pull away from the kiss, my hand shoots out to grip his hair, tugging his mouth back to mine. His chest rumbles with a pleased groan as lifts me up and guides my legs around his waist. He presses his body into mine and our kiss turns hungry.

My irritation and exhaustion melts away from me as it's replaced by an aching need for him. I know now what it's like to be consumed by and filled with Eric, to have his body and mine so close and entangled we seem to have melded together and I need more of that closeness with him.

Soft groans, moans and growls fill the air as I move my hips against him and he responds by pulsing his into me. Even with the layers between us I can feel the heat that seems to pour out of me all aimed at the hardness coming from him.

He breaks away from the kiss and moves his mouth to my neck and I feel the familiar sting of his teeth there, as if he just can't help himself and needs to leave another mark on me.

"Eric," I whimper…meaning to protest but it really just comes out as me mewling for more.

It's enough to break the spell.

"Fuck," He mutters before I hear him taking a deep breath and pulling away too look at me. His eyes are dark and his breathing is heavy…his entire face tightened by his obvious hunger for me. But there's also something else I can see breaking through all that and it has me curling my fingers into his shoulders…afraid what it might be lurking in his mind.

I guess my apprehension was pretty obvious, because his expression softens a little and he reaches up with one hand to cup the side of my face then strokes a thumb over my cheek.

"I thought coming here this morning would be better. That I would be able to…that we would be able to talk without…distractions getting in the way."

As he said the word distractions, as if his body was trying to prove a point for him, his hips pressed into me causing both of us to groan again. My exhaustion from just minutes before is forgotten with the fast beating of my heart and the ache for him that's growing.

Our lips brush across each other a few times. I can feel the heat of his breath and inhale the rich smell of coffee that comes along with it. I close my eyes, savoring everything about this moment…being in his arms again, only to find myself dizzy and disorientated, standing alone a second later.

I stumble forward a bit and barely hold back a whimper of disappointment as I trail after the wake he leaves as he backs away from me. I grab onto the back of one of the chairs in front of his desk for support while I try to get my bearings again.

Eric doesn't make that easy on me. Not when he's standing there, just in front of his desk and not even two feet away from me, staring at me as if he's barely restraining himself from reaching out for me again. It's almost feral the way he's looking at me. With his eyes wide and so dark that barely a sliver of the normal beautiful blue of them is visible. His nostrils are flared as he breathes in and out so raggedly and hard that his chest is heaving. Then there's the obvious bulge going down one leg…and not even the thickness of the material of his pants or the dark color can hide it right now.

I'm convinced that if I squint enough, I might just be able to make out movement from the pulsing that I know it's capable of in this state. I have to squeeze my thighs together when I remember what that pulsing felt like deep inside of me.

I don't know how long we stay like that, just looking at each other before Eric breaks the silence.

"Goddammit, kitten. You've gotta stop fucking looking at me like that right now." His tone is low and silky and I can't tell if he's actually warning me away or challenging me instead.

Either way, sanity has returned enough that I realize this is neither the time or place and there are things we need to talk about. So I close my eyes while gripping the back of the chair a little harder as I breath in and out slowly a few times.

Once I feel I have myself under some semblance of control again I nod and open my eyes again. "It was a good choice coming here. You aren't likely to have sex in your office or anything like that."

Something in his eyes and body language shifts abruptly. I can see he catches himself doing it and stops, but it's too late because I saw the guilt flash in his eyes momentarily. I think I make a sort of gasping sound because he swallows and looks away from me, confirming that I'm not just jumping to conclusions right now. He's definitely had sex here before.

"Oh," I reply feebly, feeling like I've just taken a gut punch. "I see."

I frown and look away from him but anywhere my eyes land I can't help internally wondering if it happened there…his desk?…which I refuse to look at because he's standing in front of it…or there…where the small couch sits off to the side and in the corner of the room?…or maybe even the small rug on the floor in front of it. Everywhere I look is a potential place that some girl was before me.

Then my mind turns to something I had decided to bury in my mind and not try to dwell on too much but no longer can. I can't stop myself from remembering my questions and thoughts about the closet full of women's clothes he has. I had almost tricked myself into thinking they were somehow for me…that I wasn't wearing the things left behind by some faceless girl he's been with before.

My stomach churns violently at the thought and my skin crawls as the sudden need to go take a scouring hot shower overcomes me.

"Stupid, stupid girl, Kat." I mutter under my breath and curse myself while shaking my head as I start to turn away from Eric.

I'm so close to tears right now, and that is making me mad for some reason. I don't want to cry…not in front of him…not over this. But I can't seem to help myself either, so the only thing I can think of to do is to run away.

Every instinct is pushing me to do that now…well…almost every instinct.

'Coward,' The word goes through my mind, like a curse being whispered from somewhere inside far away. But it's enough to give me enough pause that I actually stumble as I start to take my first steps away from Eric, and this gives him enough time to realize what I'm doing and react.

"Not another step, Kat." He demands of me. His tone is low and mostly flat…but there's an edge to it…almost pleading in nature.

It's enough to make me turn and look at him. Whatever I expected or even hoped to find isn't there. His expression is fully closed off…and that makes the hurt even worse somehow.

He takes a step forward causing me to instinctively take a step back and Eric freezes. His stony façade breaks as a look of hurt passes over his face briefly before he moves back away from me until he's leaning and gripping the edge of his desk again.

The seconds of silence that pass between us are agonizing and each one that goes by where he just stands there…not making a move towards me…to hold me or comfort me…or fucking anything really…it just drives the hurt deeper and deeper until it starts to turn into anger.

I'm about to say to hell with it and leave when he finally speaks up, but when he does it just raises my hackles and further infuriates me.

"Sit." He clips out the command and uses his head to motion towards the chair I was just gripping however many seconds ago. My chin juts out stubbornly and my eyes narrow as I take a breath to tell him off but he holds up a hand to stop me. "Sit…please…I can't…I can't let you walk away from me again…even though I know I probably deserve it…but I'm asking if we can try and talk this out."

The reminder of our most recent troubles…the ones we haven't really fully resolved or talked about…causes me to frown. Mostly because it reminds me that I had been about to do what I did then…run away from whatever was going on instead of dealing with it.

I hated how it made me feel about myself in those moments where I had too much time to think and reflect on things. I knew if I left now…I would be right back where I was before.

So I stepped forward then sat in the chair but it was with my chin still stubbornly set and with a stiffness that clearly communicates I'm not happy right now. I also sit on the very edge of the chair, because even though I don't want to run…my body won't let me lower my guard at this moment.

Eric breathes out a ragged breath as he watches me do all this. I don't think it's a breath of relief exactly because he can clearly see I'm ready to leave at any given moment, but he must recognize this is as good as he's going to get from me right now.

"Okay then," He mutters as he straightens up and reaches for the other chair beside mine. I watch him warily as he moves it towards him, spinning it until it's positioned so he can sit facing me.

I shift a little uncomfortably while he isn't looking. He eases his large frame into the chair and lifts his head to look back at me with his face all scrunched up, as if he's eaten something that he can't decide if he likes or not.

"I thought we already talked about this…but I guess we didn't…not really. Which seems to be a freaking theme between the two of us. So we can start off with this but…like I've said before…I don't plan on going into details with you. I don't see any purpose for that and I know it would just hurt you further. That's the only reason I'm willing to talk about this right now…because I can see that it's hurting you…putting doubts in your mind. I can't allow that to continue. I also know that at some point…someone out there is going to try and throw my past in your face…they are going to try and use that to hurt you…and the only way I can think of to stop it is if we're honest right here and now. But I don't want to have to have this conversation again, Kat. Do you understand?"

He looks back at me expectantly, waiting for my response and agreement. With my jaw clenched and my hands tightly clasped together in my lap, I nod back curtly.

I can tell my reaction is upsetting and worrying to him, but I can't help the hurt and anger I'm feeling. He runs a hand over his jaw while sighing, then leans forward so his elbows are on his knees and he's looking at his hands.

"We essentially grew up in two different worlds, Kat. At least that's what it feels like to me. If each faction is virtually it's own little city…Erudite might as well be it's own fucking planet…that's how far removed from things it can be. Sex is either regarded as either something to be experimented with like you would in an experiment, or just another bodily function. It's expected that once an individual starts feeling those urges, they take care of them…the same way they would if they were hungry or tired. It doesn't matter how…or with who you do so…just as long as it doesn't interfere with the factions purpose or your role there. Enjoyment of the act is more of a tolerated side effect and they for damn sure don't encourage developing emotions of any other kind."

I swallow and frown as I process what he's saying, wondering where he's going with this as he pauses and looks like he's thinking about what to say next before continuing on.

"Not everyone in Erudite thinks that way…but if they do think differently…they keep it behind closed doors. My parents…" His voice cracks just a little and he stops before he continues on, "They were among the few that thought differently than what was considered normal or acceptable in Erudite. But at the time when all of that started to affect me…they weren't there anymore to influence me one way or the other. That only left my older brother, and those around him, to look to during those last years before I transferred. Imagine a person who embodies every bad stereotype and extreme trait that an Erudite might have…and that's Damien in a nutshell. What I know…what I was taught…how I've handled things…it's mostly because that's the only way I've known to be." He stops and looks back at me, I guess he's gauging my reaction. Which must look as confused as I'm feeling right now because he narrows his eyes and frowns. "Is this making any sense?"

I want to tell him that it doesn't make any sense at all…that I don't understand what any of that has to do with him having sex in his office…or the clothes in his apartment from his past lovers. I want to tell him it feels like he's trying to use that he came from Erudite as a justification for what he's done. It's infuriating, especially when he doesn't see me trying to use being from Abnegation as a reason that I have or have not done anything since I got here.

I'm grateful I had the sense to bite my tongue…literally and figuratively…because it saved me from lashing out and saying something I would come to regret once again. I take a measured breath and shake my head as I prepare to try and answer him honestly, and hopefully keep calm about it.

"Not really. Other than maybe sex means nothing to you." I finally and simply answer…deciding to leave everything else unsaid and see where he goes from there.

He growls under his breath for a second before huffing and pushing to sit up straight while running a hand through his hair, musing it's styled perfection.

"I'm not going to bother trying to say any differently, Kat." He says bluntly, and it's like a slap to the face…one that has me tensing and ready to do something…whether that's to strike back or flee…I don't even know anymore. "Wait," He follows up quickly, reaching out a hand and putting it on my knee to stop me from leaving. "Let me finish…please."

After another stiff nod from me he continues, but he doesn't move his hand from my knee.

"I was sixteen when I transferred here, but despite the Erudite attitude regarding it…I hadn't ever given in to those urges before then. Coming to Dauntless, becoming a leader, making and keeping the city safe…that's all that mattered to me at the time. Anything outside of that…it didn't have a place in my life. When I finally did give in to the urges I'd ignored for so long, I was completely angry about it. I hated losing control of myself like that. It became an inconvenience for me, something that took away from where I felt my focus should solely be on. It became clear to me that I could no longer try and pretend I didn't have those needs and when I was doing it, I had a harder time fitting in. So I decided then and there, that if I had to give in, it would be on my terms. Kat, what I said to you before…that I didn't do intimacy…didn't allow anyone into my personal spaces…all of that was true. Then you came along. Do you understand what I'm saying?" This time he doesn't hide the slight pleading tone that's combined with frustration.

I let out a shaky breath I didn't realize I had begun to hold somewhere along the way during all that time. I don't know what first broke down my resistance to letting go of my anger enough to really hear him. Maybe the fact that he was touching me, or the tone of his confession, or maybe even the fact that I understood all too well what he meant when he said he was putting his duty first above his needs.

Honestly, it was probably all of that along with the fact that a big part of me had wanted him to be able to explain himself. Which he's done…and I can even understand it…but it doesn't make how I'm feeling go away. Even though…I really wish it could."

"Yes." I admit softly, nodding with a slight frown as I search for how to put what I'm feeling without sounding like a petulant child. "I can completely understand being focused like you are, because that's how I've been." I pause to look back at him into his eyes where I can see the tension and worry that he isn't hiding from me. "I know you've said what we have is different…"

"It is." He insists fiercely, not even letting me finish as he grips my knee and leans closer.

"And I believe you, Eric." I assure him. Biting my lower lip I reach out a hand and put it over his, which he snatches up as soon as my intention was clear to him. "It just…it hurts to think of you and…"

"I know…fuck…I know." He rasps with a pained scowl on his face. "I can't say I'm sorry for having been with those girls. I know it makes me sound like a complete asshole, but I can't apologize for something that happened long before I even knew you existed. Especially when the reason I know this is different was because of those experiences. What I can apologize for is what's going to happen when everyone finds out we're together. People here…and not just the women…will throw my past in your face. What most people believe about me and my supposed 'love life' is either exaggerated or just completely untrue, but it won't matter to the people who want to hurt me through you."

His lips thin in anger at just the thought of this happening in the future, and I can see he's also debating something. Like there's more but he's not sure if he should say it.

"Tell me, Eric." I demand with a stubborn lift of my chin. If we're speaking truths here, then we should speak them all.

'Careful of what you wish for, Kat. Your turn will be coming up soon.' My mind whispers to me.

"I know the majority of what is said about me out there, but there's always a new one that crops up from time to time. Mostly…everyone around here seems to think I've slept with half the female Dauntless population. Either that or it's said that I have a few girls on the side, and that I use them for my sadistic pleasure. Neither of which are even fucking close to being true."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel…and I'm not trying to make myself out to be…but I haven't been with as many women as those rumors claim. I also definitely haven't been with a person on a regular basis. Although, admittedly, in the first year after I transferred there were two people who I had been with on more than one occasion. But that was…what… around eight years ago? Since then I've never been with the same person more than just the one time." He stops and squeezes his eyes shut while growling lowly under his breath.

"Fuck. Now that I'm saying it out loud I really do sound exactly what they claim I am." He hisses softly, more in a self-recrimination than for me at all.

It's almost comical how disgusted he appears to be right now. I can't make out the things he's muttering under his breath but I can almost imagine that he's lecturing or cursing himself out. Seeing how upset he is…how angry he is on my behalf and how I'm feeling…it breaks some of the hurt and tension.

In fact, I'm feeling so amused at the ridiculousness of the situation that I have to choke back a laugh. Some of it escapes though, causing Eric's head to snap up and him to look at me with narrowed eyes.

"Did you…were you seriously laughing just now?" He asks me with wide, bewildered eyes as I try to hold back the laughter. "Really? Just a few minutes ago I was convinced you were going to try and do to me what you've been doing to Four…trying to use your tiny hands to snap me in half…that's how pissed off you looked. And now you're laughing?"

This sets me off, and this time I really do laugh. Not loudly or even for long, but long enough for him to give me a disbelieving look. I continue to laugh, even though I know I have to look crazy right now.

I kinda feel crazy. Especially since I start to cry for no reason.

It takes a few seconds for me to get myself under control again and I reach up to wipe my eyes clear of the stupid tears that came from nowhere during all that.

"Sorry. I don't know why, but it was funny how angry you seemed at yourself. I could almost imagine you were doing a mental lecture or something like that." Then I sober up as I remember what he was so angry at himself about. "How many?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm, even though I felt like I might throw up just having to ask it.

"I can't give you a number any more than I could give you their names. I do know that it's not near as many as people seem to believe. Like I was saying though, if you believed what's said about me then I'm with a new girl every night. The reality is I would go months and not even think about hooking up with anyone much less actually doing it. When I did, though, I always made sure the person understood and was okay with the fact that it would be a one time thing and that there were certain conditions. If they weren't, then I walked away."

I frown as a barrage of questions bubble in my mind and decide to tackle them one by one, hoping the answers don't hurt me too much.

"You said you had conditions…do you mean like rules or something?" I ask this even though I'm pretty sure I already know the answer. Didn't he do something like that with me at first? I guess, it makes sense coming from him when he's so structured and regimented in the other aspects of his life.

"Yeah, something like that." He replies with a casual shrug. Then he continues on, but I can tell he's reluctantly telling me this. "I always let them know I wasn't into kissing or making out, or anything like that. I was also upfront about what I wanted at the time, whether it was actual sex or something else."

"And they were really okay with it?" I blurt out the first one that comes to mind. "I mean…I just can't imagine I would ever be okay with being so business-like and cold."

"Like I said, kitten, it's different with you." He says with a smirk at me before shrugging and sighing. "I don't know why they were okay with it. It's not like I bothered to question their motives or anything. If I had to guess, I would say some of the women just wanted the same thing I did at the time; an uncomplicated…no strings attached or questions asked…physical release. Others might have agreed because of my position and reputation. I haven't cared one way or the other why…not until you."

I blush slightly then bite my lip in thought but then something about what he said causes me to scowl. Images flash through my head, ones of seeing Eric and that girl and what I saw go one between them. What I remember doesn't match up to describing his usual encounters. From what he's said they almost sound cold and impersonal…but I saw the passion in his eyes and they way he let her touch him.

So is he lying…and why would he when he knows I've seen him before?

"What are you thinking about, Kat?"

I focus back on him, still scowling. "I'm thinking about that night…and the girl you were with…how what I saw is nothing like you're describing to me right now."

"That was nothing…"

When I think he's about to deny the entire thing…to try and tell me nothing happened, I almost explode out of my chair…instead it's just words that explode out of me.

"Don't try to tell me it was nothing. I saw the two of you, Eric!"

"I wasn't going to deny what happened, Kat." He admonishes me. "I know you saw me, and what you saw wasn't something that usually happens. I lost control a little and didn't do what I normally would. It was all fucked up. I was fucked up for doing it in the first place because I had no desire to be with that girl at all. I wanted you, kitten, but since I couldn't have that…" He trails off and shakes his head. "I didn't end up doing anything with her. I was imagining it was you and I realized just how messed up that was. Stopping still didn't make what happened right. I mean, even if I didn't go through with it, the intentions had been there. I didn't say anything to you at the time because I didn't think it would make you feel any better and I didn't want you to think I was trying to make an excuse or something like that."

I sink back into my chair with mixed emotions. "So you two didn't…"

"No. The last I saw of her she was loudly cursing as she walked away calling me a limp dick asshole. That's how nothing it was." Eric informs me and I can tell he's being absolutely honest right now. He cracks a side smile after he admits this, seeming much calmer than I feel at the moment and I can't help to huff a little as I smile back at him. "Does that make you feel better?"

"Yes…no…I…" I groan and shake my head. "I don't know how to feel."

"Fair enough. Do you at least believe me…that besides leaving with her…nothing actually happened between us?"

"Yeah," I reply fairly quickly, and honestly. As much as I'm still hurting over it, I do believe he isn't just telling me that to make me feel better. "But I still…it still hurts. You know?"

"I get it." He murmurs with a frown, looking upset and uncomfortable.

I can't blame him, I'm feeling the same way and almost want to drop this conversation right here and now. We can't though because I know it will come back to haunt me later, so why not get it out of the way while we can and before I can let it fester inside of me.

With that thought I take a breath and continue the conversation.

"I would have thought you considered your office personal space…but obviously you don't….so what did you mean when you said that?" I ask haltingly, trying not to sound like I'm accusing him of anything.

He narrows his eyes at me then tilts his head for a second. Eric is doing that thing he does where it feels like he's trying to see into my soul. His lips purse and I guess he doesn't like whatever he's found.

"This office can be and is accessed by anyone who needs to speak to me in my role as a leader of the faction. So obviously it isn't private…and that's what I consider my personal space. The one place no one besides myself, my brothers…and now you…have access to." He pauses and lets that sink in before he leans closer, and lowers his tone as he continues on. "No one besides the people I just mentioned have ever been inside my home and I for damn sure have never had anyone else in my bed."

"I…I wasn't trying to say…" I stutter and stumble my way through the half-truth I was trying to get out.

Eric shakes his head and scoffs. "No, but you were thinking it. I would normally be pissed, but under the circumstances, I guess I can understand. This is as much out of your element as it is mine." He pauses again and looks like he's taking a calming breath before he goes on. "And since I'm pretty sure you were wondering about this as well, considering your last question, let me address this now. I have never bought anything for anyone else besides myself, Chase and Zach. Even with them the extent has been buying them beer or food. The clothes are yours and were meant for only you."

I can't help that an embarrassed blush seems to take over my whole body as I look away from him. I almost feel ashamed that I ever thought otherwise. Mostly, though, I feel relieved and happy…even if I can't fully appreciate those feelings at the moment when there's still so much unresolved between us.

It's quiet for a few seconds as I digest all of this. Something he's said has stuck in my mind and is begging for me to get back to.

"You've mentioned before about others trying to hurt me…or to hurt you through me…but do you actually believe any of those girls will want to do that? I mean, from how you've described things…I don't think they're going to care."

He looks contemplative for a second, like he's trying to really think through all the girls and if they are likely to cause trouble. He must determine that one or more might, because he looks decidedly unhappy as well as uncomfortable.

"Look, I know how things go here in this faction. Especially where it concerns me. There will always be someone out there who will look for any reason to bad mouth or start shit for me. When we can finally be open about this, I have no doubt someone is going to target you because of our relationship. What you have to understand, though, is that even if we never got involved…you would have always been a target because of where you came from and how well you're doing here. This thing with us is only going to make it worse for you."

"We've already talked about that before, so I understand. You still aren't answering the question though." I ask with a raised eyebrow, letting him know I'm not going to let this go.

"Dammit…" He mutters darkly, before he sighs wearily and looks at me. "To be honest, I don't know for sure they will or not. Like you said…they might not give two shits enough to take notice."

"I sense a 'but' in there that you're trying to avoid."

"But…" another sigh before he goes on, "...there were two people that I mentioned before, who were repeat customers, I guess you could say. They were never a relationship for me or anything like that, though. So I just want to make sure that's clear. Both happened within my first year here. One was during initiation. She was another initiate. It was just sex and my only real reason for choosing her over someone else was because it was convenient at the time. The second was shortly after I went into leadership training. She was an older woman who is known for liking newly graduated initiates, male or female, especially if they were transfers."

He shifts uncomfortably and falls silent as I frown at him, wondering if he's going to elaborate any more. When he doesn't I huff in frustration and a whole bunch of other feelings I'm having right now.

"You're obviously worried about them or you wouldn't have bothered to avoid bringing them up. Which tells me that I know them, am I right?" I try not to let too much of my anger and hurt out, because I know that won't change anything about this situation and would only make it worse.

"One of them you already know," he admits reluctantly, "...and the other you will probably get to know if you get a position on the leadership track."

"Wouldn't it be better if I knew who they are before they can blindside me if they do decide to make trouble?" I demand from him, not even able to hold back the jealous anger in my tone when it looks like he isn't about to tell me.

"If they start shit then I'll deal with them and make sure they regret it, Kat." He seethes out, I can tell he means every word.

"And what will that accomplish other than making everyone see me as weak and a coward? I don't need you to fight my battles or protect me, Eric, especially not from this."

We hold eyes for a moment, neither of us wanting to back down. He breaks first, to my surprise. His eyes soften a little with a bit of pride before taking on a slightly defeated look as he nods.

"Okay." He takes a breath like he's bracing himself. "Val is the lead Supply Specialist for the faction and works as one of the people who interact with leadership regarding anything supply related. Generally, junior leaders are the ones to work closely with that department, so if you get a spot...then you will probably interact with her fairly regularly."

"Do you still work with her?" I can't help but ask.

He shakes his head in the negative. "No. Once I became a full leader our contact all but stopped. I see her around of course, but unless it's an emergency she doesn't really have a reason to come to me. Honestly, Kat, I don't think she's going to cause trouble for you. What I do think she is more likely to do is brag to you that she's the person who taught me everything I know about pleasing a woman or something similar to that. That's much more along the lines of her personality. Also, she made it clear to me that's was a big part of her motivation for being with me at the time, that and the fact that she knew I was bound to quickly advance past a junior leader."

I swallow back a sick feeling that knowledge produces, as well as the words I want to say about how messed up it is. After I take a breath I simply nod at him, indicating my readiness to learn who the other person is.

"The other person is Lauren." He says with a grimace and while looking away from me.

My eyes widen in shock and not a small amount of jealousy. "Lauren? The Dauntless-born instructor? Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately...and out of anyone...I can almost guarantee she's going to be trouble. She's part of the reason I decided to make everything clear from the start in any future encounters I had. I made the mistake in thinking that because she was from Erudite she would have the same attitude as most of the faction did. At the time, she even acted like that was the case by hooking up with some of the other initiates. I didn't realize she felt differently until an incident where she got into a fight with another female initiate because she was jealous and possessive of me. I made it clear I was no longer interested and that it was nothing but sex to me. There were a few issues after that, but eventually she got the message and moved on."

My lips twist into something between a scowl and disgust as I begin the process of trying to cope with all this information. He remains quiet for a little bit, allowing me that time to get my head together again.

I admit it's hard though. I fluctuate between anger, jealousy, sadness, relief and surprisingly a bit of happiness. Logically, I get that all this happened before I got here but the hurt and jealousy are clouding everything. It's a struggle but I realize that the other things he's told me, how honest he's been and the willingness to reveal things that I'm sure he views as his weaknesses, outweigh all the bad feelings.

I know I'm still going to hurt and struggle, since those feelings aren't going to go away overnight, but in the end it's up to me to decide if the struggle is worth it.

Even with this new twist, I still don't want to give up on us

"Will you please say something, Kat." Eric says with an exasperated sigh while rubbing his eyes at the same time.

I lick my lips in thought and then start to move, slowly, until I'm standing. He tensed immediately and I could tell if I took one step away from him he would say to hell with keeping his hands to himself in order to stop me from leaving.

I smile slightly as I take a step…but instead of moving away…I go toward him. His eyebrows go up in surprise but that lasts about a second. I only get to take one more step and he's already determined what I'm going to do. Then he decides I'm not moving fast enough for his liking. He reaches out to grip me by the hips and pulls me into his lap.

My sigh joins his as I wind my arms around his neck. We sit like that in the quiet for a few seconds, with our foreheads pressed together.

"Eric," I start out softly, and pause as I weigh my words before continuing. "I don't think the worlds we grew up in were as different as you seem to think. It seems like we're both struggling with the same things. The only difference is you've had more time being exposed to certain elements than I have…but in the end…this is new for us both in so many ways."

He nods slightly while tightening his arms around my waist and breathes out a murmured, "Yeah," before falling quiet again.

"I can't really expect you to have not had a life and relationships before me. That's not fair to you, to hold your past against you like that. It would be like if you held mine against me, even if mine is that I had zero experience before you. I also can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me a bit and probably will for a while...but I'm not angry at you over that." I pause and pull back so I can look at him, then I put a hand to the side of his face. "I'm sorry that I almost ran away again."

"You don't need to apologize for that, Kat. Not when I know how much this shit is hurting you. I think you should know by now full well how I feel about that." He says the last part with a slight smirk on his face causing me to chuckle a little bit and nod.

"Yeah, you've made that pretty clear before. Just after our first real sparring sessions comes to mind as a perfect example."

"I don't know if I would call it a perfect example, kitten." He murmurs with a sigh. "I admit, at first it was hard for me to deal with the fact that training so hard with you logically meant there was the possibility you could get hurt in some way. I think I've gotten better about that, though." He insists, his head tilted a little to the side as if daring me to deny what he's saying.

I can't say he's completely wrong. In some ways he has gotten better. However, another of his reactions is almost worse for me. There have been times when he's clipped me or landed a blow and instead of getting angry at himself, he's angry at me. Not only for letting it happen in the first place, which I understand and even agree with, but it also seems like he might be angry at me for how it makes him feel.

"Hey," He calls while gripping my chin in order to get me to focus on him again after I faded out in thought. "What's wrong?"

I shrug while worrying on my lower lip. "It's just…there are times when I could swear that instead of you getting angry at yourself…you almost seem like you're angry or even resentful of me for making you feel that way in the first place."

He's quiet as he looks at me intently, but the silence isn't as worrying because I see a softening in his eyes. Which is confusing to me considering what I just admitted.

"Kat, I'm not going to lie to you and say there aren't moments when what I'm feeling at the time frustrates me…which I guess...could be interpreted as being angry. What you said earlier about this being new to us…is true for me on so many fucking levels." I blink in confusion as he tenderly strokes my cheek with his thumb and continues on. "If I needed any more proof that what we have is different, the fact that you see and understand that about me would be it. I don't let people in easily. I can't say I've never done it before, because I did with Chase and Zach, but I consider them true brothers. Besides them, though, I've never opened up to anyone about my feelings or things from my past. I never wanted to before now."

I swallow while nodding my understanding and lean my head against his. "I know…I feel the same." I whisper.

"Do you?" Eric softly implored.

I pull back to look at him, then look away when I realize he honestly isn't sure. I guess I can't blame him, though, not when I've mostly either avoided talking about things or just plain run away.

"I do," I croak out while nodding. "I know we agreed to talk and be honest with each other, and I do want to do that…I mean, I know we still need to talk about what happened that morning."

"I think you know there's so much more we need to talk about than just what happened that morning, Kat. I've known from the things you've said and alluded to that there is much more than that...and so far I've tried not to push for answers. I wanted you to come to me…but for whatever reason you haven't. I've tried to be okay with that, and the fact that you've at least been getting help from Zach. Tell me though...talking to him is helping you, right?"

The edge of hurt in his voice kills me, giving me a taste of what it's like for him when he knows I'm hurting. In his eyes I can almost see the internal struggle being waged within him. I know the desire to know my secrets and the need for control has to be almost overwhelming to fight against…but he is fighting it.

It's just another example of him letting his actions speak for him the words he can't.

"Yes," I nod with tears burning in my eyes.

"Okay," He says and nods his head slowly in quiet acceptance. "Then I'll wait until you're ready to tell me. But I need to ask…is it because you don't trust me?"

"No!" I yelped out my denial. "That's not it at all, Eric." I pause, feeling a flush of frustration and even a small bit of anger that he was even thinking that. I can't help but sigh as I try to think of a way to explain why it's been hard for me and realize that even that is bound to come out a mess. "It's hard to talk about because I honestly don't know how. There is so much that I've ignored…or denied…or maybe even purposely forgotten. It sometimes feels like I don't know what's real, if any of it really happened or not. It all becomes a mess in my mind and makes it hard for me to try and get out. I do want to talk to you about it, Eric, but how can I when I don't even have the words to do that? That's what Zach is helping me with."

It takes a bit for him to acknowledge what I've said, whether that's because he's trying to accept what I've said or just processing it, I don't know. I can't tell by his expression. While it's not completely closed off, or even cold, I can tell he's weighing what I've said and what he'll say carefully.

"Alright then. We've got to start somewhere, so why don't you that by telling me more about your relationship with Four. I think I have a right to at least know about that." He insists, sounding calm but with an apparent stiffness in his jaw.

I'm glad Eric accepted my answer and didn't dig any deeper for the reasons I've kept to myself. Like, for instance, the fact that I'm trying to protect certain individuals from the rage I know what I reveal to him will cause.

Of course, the first thing he asks of me is something I know will bring him down on my old friend but it's a truth and a conversation I can no longer avoid.

With a frown, I nod my agreement while sending up a silent prayer that I'm not signing Four's death warrant.