Chapter 72 - The In-Between

Eric

The past few weeks have been a study in patience for me. I've always despised when my routines are messed up…and they've been nothing but completely fucked since this investigation started.

Some parts of it are the same. The four of us still get together in the dining hall for coffee before we split off, however now only one of us goes off on his own while the rest of us stick together. It didn't take me too long to get used to the change of adding Chase to the training with Kat.

After we get done, though, that's when Chase heads off on his own. Zach is only at the apartment long enough to check us over and put together some kind of breakfast for the two of us to grab after we get out of the shower. They almost always show up again for a bit before the day really begins.

They understood that time of cleaning and patching each other up is the only real alone time I have with Kat anymore and I've come to depend on it more than I care to admit at times.

Our mornings have become even more important to me since the investigation against Marcus Eaton has been sending me outside of the compound tracking down potential witnesses and known informants. It's been trickier than normal now that we know about the splinter groups in the factionless.

Before, we would just conduct raids to get what we needed. I admit, they can become a bit brutal when they resist. It's happened more than a few times but knowing what we know now…Chase and I couldn't let it happen again if we could help it. Not until we really knew what we were dealing with when it came to the factionless.

That couldn't occur until I could figure out some way to arrange a meet up with Amar.

Zach, Chase and I have all been running through scenarios in our mind while always avoiding the most obvious one. We knew it could be easily done if we asked Kat to get it set up for us. The problem with that was it would mean we would need to tell her what's going on and that's something that can't happen.

I've gotten a taste of how Zach's been feeling lately with keeping everything from me and Chase about Kat's past. Because keeping this shit from her…having to lie to her at all…hasn't been sitting well with me. I've been having a hell of time handling that feeling and it's affecting everything I do. What really pisses me off, though, is that it seems to always rear its head during my morning training sessions with Kat.

Chase had called it right that morning when he questioned if we could handle things. We push each other to go further and further every time. The really fucked up thing though, is that I've been using it as an outlet for my pent up feelings…and she's letting me do it. Hell, she's even doing the same thing herself.

Even with us coming to the agreement that we wouldn't continue taking things as far as we had been, we're still taking it farther than we should. Who knows how long I would have let that continue without this latest wakeup call.

It was a couple of hours before dawn when Chase and I got back from our last outing. My plan was to get a few hours of sleep before getting up so I could meet up with the others like normal.

That wasn't what happened. Instead, Zach confronted us as soon as we got back in.

He told me about how upset Kat had been last night. She was upset enough that he took her with him and Peter to Last Call. There they hid out all night watching the never ending runs they play of major sporting events of all kinds that the older generation of Dauntless seem to love.

Her insistence on spending time with the others is something I've come to secretly admire about her, just not as much as I also loathe it because it takes her away from me. So, it was telling to me how bad it's gotten for her, that she didn't even want to be around her sister or friends

I've always been able to shrug off all the whispering, rumors and back-biting from the rest of the faction. It's become background noise to me at this point. I know it's there, I just try not to let it affect me. It's been getting worse since Kat came along, that rumor mill Dauntless can be has been turning overtime.

I hadn't truly worried about it though because most of those rumors were actually helping to drown out all the hints of the things we didn't want being said. Things like possible favoritism or of us being in a relationship with each other.

While I don't really know the extent of the current whispers making the rounds I can imagine they're pretty bad. Our recent behavior was doing a damn good job in that respect. Kat walking around looking more banged up than she's ever been with even me sporting my own evidence…has fed the belief she's being punished up to my supposed usual sadistic standards.

It's not like they aren't based on the truth for once. I am being downright brutal with her and I'm not the only one anymore. Even Chase has been going harder than when we first started.

At the start, he went in with the mindset he was just there to keep watch over us, so we wouldn't go too far. That changed though, once he got in the ring with her himself. He got to experience firsthand what I saw from the start about Kat. She comes alive in those moments. Something wakes up inside of her in a way that is both beautiful and frightening to watch. My friend also discovered what I did, knowing how much she thrives on it makes you want to keep pushing her harder until you find her breaking point. Not because either of us wants to see her broken, though.

No…the reason I can't seem to stop myself…and the reason even my friend seems to have joined me…is because I get to see her rise back up, even stronger than before with her eyes burning full of determination and challenge. It never fails to fill me with a sense of pride in her, in the fact that she doesn't back down from my challenges.

But later on…each and every time…I still feel the guilt when I see the aftermath.

Admittedly, my guilt has been somewhat lessened by the damage she's been able to deal out to both me and my friend. Watching Chase walk away one morning with a limp and a split lip had me feeling smug as hell for a week afterwards and I made sure to let him know it.

Those kinds of moments of happiness, or just being content to be all together, seem to be too few and far between right now. This morning had been particularly strained. Before all this started we would all share things about our days; what we needed to get done or what we hoped we could do later after we did all that shit.

There's so much that we can't talk about anymore when we get together.

I can't tell Kat that three days ago I got some intel on a person of interest in the investigation that I'm pretty sure she would have rather I hadn't. Knowing her like I do, even the fact that he'd hurt her and Tris wouldn't have stopped her from wanting to protect him in some way. So, I definitely couldn't tell her that a day later I was able to locate the miserable little shit.

I couldn't tell her that just yesterday morning…while she and the other initiates were in the gym doing various physical training exercises…I was hauling the boy she knew as Alistair into a cell that only those with top level clearance can access.

Then that same day, while she and the other initiates were sitting down for lunch, I was sitting across from that shell of a human being. A boy who hadn't really needed the truth serum he was given to spill his guts about the hell his life's been both before she last saw him and even after.

I didn't think anything in life could be much worse than being one of the factionless, but I found out that there definitely is.

Kat had said that she thought the group she saw him with that day rejected him after his assault on her and Tris and she was right. From what he told us we figured out that both groups seem to have shunned him completely.

That wasn't the only thing I learned that day and the entire confrontation left me unsettled. Truthfully, I went looking for Alistair to punish him for his attack on Kat. I wasn't prepared for what we found. Neither of us were.

For the first time I was looking at the entire issue of being factionless with different eyes.

The person that sat across from me wasn't any enemy out to destroy the city. He was just a boy, broken by the severe abuse he suffered from but especially from bitter abandonment he faced by a system that is supposed to protect those in the walls of the city..

It turns out the former Abnegation was kicked out of the faction not long after his choosing when rumors began to circulate about him having made someone uncomfortable with his attentions to them. We couldn't get many clear answers from him as to the details of what led it to the situation which got him thrown out. His mind is broken so badly that being able to get anything rational from him is a tedious process.

It's hard to know for sure, but Chase and I have a strong suspicion that the reason he can't give us clear answers is because he can't fully remember them and was likely drugged in some way. From the little we were given and had to piece together, it seemed like he was set up to take the fall for something bad enough that it had all the Abnegation council agreeing to his banishment.

When we asked him why someone would want to set him up, something seemed to mentally snap back into place for a moment. Without hesitation he said it was because he saw something he shouldn't have. Further questions revealed that what he saw involved a supply discrepancy in a warehouse and the peculiar factionless activity that seemed to be much more frequent than was called for.

We tried to get him to name people who might have been behind it, but as soon as I mentioned Marcus Eaton his mind snapped again and he retreated into ranting madness….blaming everyone and everything for his predicament.

His little psychotic break did give us answers to why it seemed like he had specifically targeted the Prior girls the day of their altercations. Because he had. It seems he mostly blamed Andrew Prior for not speaking up for and believing him when he protested his innocence.

It wasn't lost on me how similar his situation and Kat's had been. Both being set up and accused of something, only for the person they trusted most to turn their backs on them.

We left that meeting shaken in our own ways. It was hard for the two of us not to make comparisons. Chase looked at Alistair and he saw Beth. But also, for him, there were enough similarities between Beth and Alistair that all he could see was how close Kat came to the same fate. He tries not to show it, but it's tearing him up inside.

For my part…even though I've tried not to go there, the dark places in my mind have found it all too easy to see how it could have been my girl sitting across from us that day. It almost sent me spiraling out of control and so close to emotionally shutting down in the same way I used to just to after my parents death survive back in Erudite

Seeing Kat helped somewhat.

Watching her on the cameras around the compound and knowing she was safe, or when she was in my arms, it calmed me. I was able to convince myself that she isn't the same broken husk of a person that kid was, and that she never will be.

And then her turn in the fear sim comes up and I have to sit there watching her struggle with the same goddamn one over and over again.

Yesterday…before Chase and I had to head out, I stood by helplessly watching her struggling…and I knew…I don't know how…but I just knew this was somehow Marcus Eaton's fucking fault. There's something about her fear simulation that always made me suspect that it's in some way connected to him and what he's done to her.

He might not have been able to break her completely…but he'd been able to do some damage that I wasn't sure she would ever recover from. Not even bringing him to justice would be able to fix this for her and it was a complete mind fuck for me to realize there was literally nothing I could do to make it better.

Giving up isn't in my nature though, and I for damn sure don't plan to do that now. I know when he confronted me earlier that I promised Zach I would scale things back in the training with Kat…but I don't think I'm going to be able to.

I can't help her in the ways I want to. I can't take away her pain or make all this go away, and even if I could do all that there is no doubt in my mind that Kat wouldn't allow it. Because as much as not giving up isn't in my nature…it's not in hers either.

What she will allow, the thing she's turned to me for from that very first morning we shared alone together, is to help make her stronger. To teach and train her to be able to fight back in ways she never could before.

So that's what I'll continue to do.

I'll teach her everything I know and give her everything I am and damn what anyone else says right now, even my brothers.

**** Worth Fighting For ****

I distractedly take my seat at the table of the conference room. With one hand I'm thumbing through emails trying to get caught up on the agenda for this morning. The other hand I'm using to check for any residual dampness off the back of my neck from my shower this morning.

The scant amount of time I had left to get ready this morning meant I was still trying to get myself together even as I walked to the conference rooms.

Despite the importance of the meeting and my required presence at it, I wasn't about to go back on the promise I recently made to myself to continue the intensified training with Kat. More importantly, I also wasn't about to lose out on the small amount of alone time that we can spend together outside of training.

So this morning I had been cutting it close time-wise with trying to fit all that in before having to show my face in the office.

With my lips twitching in a smirk I remember Kat's relaxed and blissed out look as she got ready beside me in the bathroom. My near tardiness was completely worth it when I was able to send her on her way with that smile on her face after the day she had yesterday. The memory of that is enough to improve my mood, and it's still playing in my mind. I start thumbing through security reports.

I can hear the people starting to congregate outside of the conference room, talking to each other and moving around as they get ready to come in. But I ignore them as I focus on what I'm reading.

Someone slides into a seat beside me but I don't pay them much attention until a cup of coffee is pushed towards me. Assuming it's Chase, because who else would it be really…I don't bother to look up as I mumble my thanks and grab it.

"No problem, it looked like you could use a cup." A voice much deeper than my friend's replies, making me freeze in the process of lifting the cup to my lips.

I recognized the voice but I couldn't help turning my head slightly to look at the person to confirm it was really him regardless. The man sitting beside me is older than me by several years, and younger than Max by just a few. Though, he looks much younger than our senior leader.

By all rights, Raze should have the rank and position I hold as Second in Command.

Not only is he older than me, he's also Dauntless-born. From my understanding, he comes from a family that had a legacy claim to leadership; which is always given priority for those kinds of positions if the person does well enough in initiation. But instead of taking his place in a leadership spot once he finished his initiation…he moved into one of the lesser ranked officer positions. Then for years afterwards, despite many attempts to talk him into it, he continued to refuse to take the spot that would have traditionally been his.

A few years before I transferred he finally gave in and became a leader when the old Senior Leader stepped away and Max took his place. It was never spoken of, but I got the distinct impression that Max held all that against him.

So when it came time for Max to name a Second in Command he was passed over and the position went to me instead of the person everyone expected it would go to. I always had the feeling Raze resented me for that, though he truthfully never showed it. Our interactions over the years were brief, always professionally respectful, and limited to only when we absolutely needed to.

So him coming to sit right beside me at an empty table and then offering me coffee is as puzzling as it is alarming.

"Raze," My greeting sounds more like a question, I'm that taken off guard by his actions, which causes him to flash a toothy grin he's infamous for.

At 6'2 and 215 lbs. of solid and deadly sleek muscle the older man's appearance alone is enough to have people pause before they decide to take him on in any fashion. And though he wasn't there often, even the fighters in Tartarus hesitated before stepping into a match against him.

That smile though, it's not one you want to be on the receiving end of. I don't even think it's a cowardly thing to say that I've been very careful to never have it aimed my way before now.

"Eric," He returns my greeting with the smile still firmly in place and adds a slight nod in my direction. Then he casually lifts his cup of coffee and looks around the room, which is still empty of everyone but the two of us.

There are more voices in the other room though, signaling that at some point people will be joining us. But right now they are probably scouring the table set up with the provided coffee and muffins, willing to take the risk rather than having to make a trip to the Pit or dining hall.

I can tell by the tilt of his head and his narrowed eyes though, he's here now for a reason. Setting my tablet down on the table I raise the cup of coffee to take a drink while I wait for him to get to it. I can't help grimacing at the taste, which seems to have an even deeper burnt flavor to it than normal.

"I hate the shit they have up here," Raze grunts out an agreement, scowling into his cup as he does so. "Usually, I bring my own but if I can't, then the dining hall's coffee is passable enough."

"Same," I grunt out an agreement while glaring at my own cup and putting it on the table. I feel a small pang of regret that we hadn't been able to make it to the dining hall this morning like we normally did.

He leans forward and puts the cup on the table, pushing it away from him. All while wearing a grin like I just gave him a prize he'd been hoping for.

"I remember seeing you, Chase and Zach in the dining hall on more than a few occasions sitting in there and drinking coffee. Now that I think about it, it always seemed to be about the same time of morning as well. Something of a routine, I take it."

"Been one for years," I reply nonchalantly and with a casual shrug. Inside though I feel a thread of unease take root, wondering where he's going with this too pointed and calculated line of conversation.

"You do like your routines." He says with a smirk and cuts eyes over at me for a second, a flash of something in them that's gone before I can assess what it might have been. "A trait, I think that all noses, former and current, share."

I don't have time to react to the trigger point that any reminder of my being from Erudite can be for me, because Raze is clearly not done throwing me off yet.

"Then again, the same could be said for most of Dauntless too. At least those of us that give a shit at all about this faction." He mutters under his breath and his eyes are locked on the door to the other room where people are still loitering, delaying the start of the meeting.

He shakes his head then looks back at me, eyes narrowed for a few seconds. "As someone who also likes his routines, I have to say I wasn't sure if the rumors I've heard about your new ones were true."

I'm still confused about where he's going with this or why he's so concerned about what I'm doing with my time. The only rumors I'm sure are circling around are about me and Kat…but why does he care about what's going on with an initiate when he never has before, not unless they directly messed with his job in some way.

"Which rumors? There are so many of them to choose from." I reply blandly, refusing to let any of my confusion show. I just wipe any emotion from my face and pick up my tablet again. "And as entertaining as they can be, you should know better than to put any stock into any buzzing of the hive." I say with a slightly sarcastic smirk and not bothering to look at him for his reaction.

I can feel his eyes on me though, locked on me and daring me to look back up at him. I don't plan on obliging him though. He does something, makes a hissing…sucking on his teeth sound that lets me know how annoyed he is at the moment.

"I've never been one to dance around a subject or try and play some slick mind game, so I'm just going to get to what I came here to talk to you about." He pauses and waits for me to be looking at him again. "Namely the rumors concerning you and the girl."

My hackles are raised and my temper is slowly starting to rise. Both because of the tone of his voice, demanding anything from me like he's the one that holds the highest rank in the room…but also because the subject is Kat. I try my best to push it all down and look nonchalant as I shrug and reply dryly, "Again, there are so many rumors. It might help if you narrowed it down for me."

He takes a moment to answer, drumming his fingers on the table and looking in the direction of the doorway, as if he's debating which of the many rumors I know are circling.

"Most of them are just a bunch of bullshit that I won't even indulge in giving a thought to. But two of them seem to have some merit to them. The first one, the one that it seems more people believe than not, is that you're actively trying to hurt the girl; if not kill her. Although, if that's true then you seem to be taking your sweet ass time in doing so. The second theory going around is that you've forced her to become your protégé, and that you only did that to spite Four in some way."

He's right, those are the two most bandied about rumors at the moment. Even the other rumors, the ones that seem to be less popular in the faction, are just a variation on those two themes with some sadistic twists to them.

Not a single rumor or theory among them is about Kat and I being involved in any kind of romantic relationship. I'm still not sure how to fucking feel about that, but I've managed to focus on the faint amusement the popular two give me.

"Those are…interesting…assumptions." I reply with a twist of my lips.

"They're more than just assumptions, Coulter. Like I said, you love your routines and that's a well known fact. You've gone out of your way before to express your displeasure anytime someone fucks with them. But since she got here those routines have changed…haven't they? It made me curious, especially when there wasn't a sign of you in the dining hall this morning at a time I know to be part of your routine. Which is why I saw for myself the evidence of what you're doing to the girl this morning, tucked away by yourselves in that training room."

All traces of amusement drain out of me, and I feel my blood turn to deadly ice. I'm sure my eyes are the same when I turn them on him, full blast. In return, he smiles his toothy smile at me, his eyes twinkling with menace.

"Oh, I would watch how you look at me, boy. You might think you're hot shit, wearing those stripes of yours. Just because you have one extra than me right now doesn't mean you're going to be adding that final stripe should anything…unfortunate…happen to our current senior leader. Despite what you believe…I do hold sway in this faction when I want to."

"But you haven't wanted or even tried to, have you? In all your years here you've never stepped up. So while, yeah, I fully admit you're respected here in Dauntless, you also have people that are pissed off you turned down the leadership position for so long." My tone rides the edge of being hard while also clear of any scorn.

We stare at each other for a few more seconds. Me not moving at all while he slowly drums his fingers on the table.

"I'm going to let this slide. I'm also going to propose a trade of information, since I know that's another trait all you 'noses' seem to have." He pauses slightly, letting the dig settle in and get some kind of reaction from me this time.

Other than me slightly clenching one hand, I didn't give him anything, but even that was too much for my liking.

Then he carries on his expression morphing to a hard and serious one. "One thing I've always hated about this damn place is the gossiping busy bodies. Everyone is always in each other's business and ready with their own opinion about it. Not me. I keep to myself and mind my own goddamn business. Until someone makes it mine."

Raze pauses, his eyes meet mine and then he continues. "Between the events at capture, then the attack in the dorm, and the conversation I overheard last night between her and your friend Zach…this is for damn sure my business."

***Worth Fighting For***

My fist slams down on my desk as I let out a loud growl of frustration and anger.

Across from me Zach shifts a little uncomfortably while frowning but still doesn't back down from my raging anger. "I don't know why you're getting all worked up about this. While what we talked about might lift an eyebrow or two, there was nothing really bad in it…and definitely nothing that would suggest anything to do with divergence."

"Are fucking serious? We're already under enough scrutiny as it is even without adding Jeanine and whatever other spies she has here, but now Raze has us locked in his sights. I'll be honest…between the two of them, he's the bigger concern at the moment."

"So you think what he said before the meeting started meant he was going to be around in the mornings from now on?"

I sit in my chair and turn away from him, staring at the wall of filing cabinets as I replay the rest of the encounter in my mind.

After Raze's declaration he'd finally gotten to the ultimate question he'd been dancing around until then. He'd seen enough of this morning training session to know I wasn't trying to actively kill Kat, but he also saw how hard we go at each other. He got an up close view of how far I've pushed things beyond what is acceptable for anyone that's below a certain officer rank.

I couldn't lie to him and I wasn't going to even try.

"I think he believed me when I told him that our morning sessions were partially punishment, but that I also believed she's got officer potential so I've been taking it a bit further than normal. It might have helped that I reminded him about her actions during capture, and that she was targeted in the attack in the dorm not long after that. I even mentioned that Max gave an implied approval by not having them stopped when he got wind of things and that he had given me orders to use whatever methods I needed to make sure that another incident didn't happen." More truths, although one of them was a stretch since his approval was more geared to our romantic relationship rather than the other stuff. I turn back to face him and lean forward, steepling my hands together. "But that just seems to have made him even more interested rather than getting him to back off."

It's silent for a few seconds before Zach sighs tiredly and shakes his head. "Look," He leans to the side, putting an elbow on the armrest and crossing his legs. "I get why you're upset, I really do. Whatever comes out of this with Raze we can deal with…but you know as well as I do that he's not very likely to be on Erudite's side of things. In fact he might be one of the key people we need to help make sure shit doesn't go sideways with them. It might be a bit sooner than either of us would have liked, but we both know he was going to have to be approached at some point."

My jaw clenches but I can't argue against any of that. We had decided that out of all the other leaders it would be Raze we needed to approach first, but only after we could get a better handle of his motivations and likely reaction to things.

"Also, I think being overheard actually works in our favor." Zach quickly pressed on, seeing the break in my anger as I started to strategize ways to bring Raze in. This new shift, though, has taken me off guard and my expression shows it as I give him an incredulous look. "No…hear me out, Eric. We have three divergents in this group of initiate's and their times are good, bordering on being dangerously too good." He winces at my glare then amends his statement. "Yeah, okay, so Kat's times aren't so great right now but they will be once she gets past this fear. Which is why I made the suggestion to her and Peter that they needed to get all the initiate's talking to each other about their fears. There's a chance it might help her specifically but I also really believe it will help all of them in the long run."

While he pauses to take a drink from his coffee I lean back and contemplate his words, and how that suggestion being overheard could help us out.

"You think it will be a way to explain why she and the others are so good at their fear sims. People whose times are already pretty good, like Uri and Tris, will naturally get better with the help. But so will the others, which makes it hard to pin a claim of divergence down as the reason for their times being so good or improving so drastically."

"Yes," He replies with a slightly relieved sigh that he's diverted me. "There's enough Erudite and Dauntless in that group to have them sharing the kinds of things that will work in the sim that leadership won't be alarmed. I expect the Erudite's will go with ways to maintain their breathing and heart rate, in a similar manner to what you were taught. The Dauntless-born will tell the others about ways they've been taught by family or older dauntless members, the mindset that will be more dauntless in nature. Aanndd…" He draws out with a smirk after my contemplative nod, "The best part is that other than the initial suggestion coming from me, none of that can be traced back to us collectively. So Chase can still work with Uri, and I can continue to work with Kat. Then we just need to figure out something more solid for Tris. We were lucky you were able to delete that first sim where she manipulated it, but I'm surprised she hasn't had another obvious incident since then."

"I wouldn't worry about Tris," I distractedly waved his worry off.

While I wasn't as concerned about the others, who they are to Kat made it impossible for me to forget about them completely. I wasn't going to go out my way for them, but I knew something had to be done.

"I may or may not have let Four overhear me muttering to myself a few times, wondering if Tris was so good because she was sneaking into the Sim room at night. Then I made a show of dismissing it, because of course while someone could get access to the sim room, they wouldn't have the clearance needed to get the serum for the actual sim itself."

Zach smirks at me then laughs. "So you think he'll take the bait, or would he think it's a trap?"

I shrug, trying not to smile. "If it were me I would most certainly think it was a trap. I'm pretty sure he will too, which is why I also think he won't use the sim room but do it in the landscape room instead. There are always members who want to revisit their sims at some point after initiation to see if anything's changed, so the clinic keeps a supply of the serum on hand. They're supposed to log who obtains any, but I know for a fact that the sneaky bastard has used the room at least once a year since getting here and he's never been logged as getting the serum from the clinic."

"I didn't know that. Why haven't you said anything to me or Chase? Better yet, why haven't you called him out publicly on that shit before now?" Zach asks me with a frown of confusion.

I shift and look away from him guiltily as we hit on the one secret I've ever really kept from my brothers. The fact that there for a while, I was sneaking into that same place to go through my fear sims again. If I were actually going in for the reason most everyone else does, then it wouldn't have been something I would feel the need to hide. But my reasons were so far from that.

I continued on going through it after my initiation because at least there I could see my parents again…even if they were twisted versions of themselves.

"Eric," My brother calls my name, full of sadness and pain as he figures it out without me having to say one damn word. "You don't still go, do you?"

I shake my head, still looking away at nothing. "No. I made myself stop going when I realized that I was starting to forget what they were actually like and being replaced by what that fucking thing made them out to be in my mind. It was bad enough that Damien and Jeanine had messed me up enough on their own, I knew I didn't need to keep doing it to myself as well. Since then, I haven't tried to go there again."

I had been tempted though. Shortly after Kat came along, I started to wonder if my number of fears had gone up or if some of them had simply changed instead. I even had an idea of which fear it would be. I had a feeling that the one where I was being ordered to execute divergents and those who aided them would shift, and instead of my parents being the ones kneeling before me it would be her.

I only made it through sims during my initiation by essentially cheating, and not in the same way Kat's convinced it would be if she took my advice.

As if I would ever have her do something that came from Jeanine and Damien.

What I did during my time was completely different, because I used every bit of the sadistic training I was put through by my brother and completely shut down emotionally. Allowing my mind to focus on the mechanics of making my body do what it needed to do.

Which is exactly why I decided not to take my chances with going to my fear sims again. I don't like to think about having to make myself do that with Kat on the receiving end, even if it's just in the sim.

"Back to Tris," Zach says, pulling me from the dark place my mind was drifting towards. "We need to be sure Four actually takes the bait or we're going to have to come up with another plan of how to coach her not to show her divergence."

"Okay then, we'll tap a few vids and pull them from the network to keep an eye on the little bastard. We shouldn't have to keep a watch on it live, I think just recording things and checking on them occasionally should be enough for now. In fact, on the nights we aren't at Max's to review all that vid footage for the investigation, we can add reviewing the fear sims and this new stuff. Of course, we'll need to make sure Zeke is gone by then but getting it all done in one night will hopefully free up some of our time to do something besides work."

He nods in agreement, seeming to be relieved none of us would have to be glued to a monitor any more than we already are for the investigation.

It had taken some convincing to get Max to approve the move for us to use our apartments for the purpose of going over investigation materials. But when we did he insisted it be done in his apartment. Then when he decided he didn't always want to have to put up with other people in his home, he gave permission to use one of our apartments.

Since it was the one with enough space and being the most secure, my apartment became the only logical choice. My apartment was heavily secured and I had a device stashed here that I used to scramble any monitoring equipment that might be trying to gain access. It's also the only other place big enough to have all of us there without being on top of each other.

One or two of us can be working at the table in the dining room while the others are doing the same in the living room. It doesn't hurt that there is better food and beer available now that we aren't in a professional environment.

I admit to it being a better setup.

I wasn't crazy about the idea at first and tended to dread those nights even if it was much more comfortable than the conference room. But now I can honestly say I am eager for that night to get here.

I finally have the excuse to have eyes on Four and the chance that I can use the investigation to expand it if I need to is just icing on the cake. I haven't forgotten what he did to Kat or that I've vowed to make him pay.

If we can catch him doing something he shouldn't be doing then she can't really blame me for it when I bring him down. He'll have brought it on himself really.

I smiled for the first time this morning since leaving the meeting.

****Worth Fighting For****

Tonight is supposed to be somewhat of a break for all of us, at least as far as the investigation goes. But for my brothers and I, we still had too much shit to do to just completely take the night off. Which is why, instead of me being able to spend what should be a night off with Kat, the three of us are getting together in my apartment.

"Zeke said he would watch over the group tonight." Zach announces as he comes into the apartment first, his hands full with a couple of boxes that I know will be full of our newest favorite beer that Connor's producing.

"Good. As much as I hate we don't have more vid footage for the investigation right now, at least we don't have to wait for him to leave to get started on the other shit we have going on right now." I reply honestly as I'm walking to meet him and help relieve him of his burden.

While I would prefer to be there myself, or at least one of my brothers, I'm glad there's at least someone else I trust to watch over Kat and her band of misfits tonight.

Chase was right behind him with a couple of pizzas in his arms. I eye him suspiciously, but he just laughs and shakes his head. "No kimchi pizza tonight. I just stuck to the favorites; one cheeseburger supreme and a veggie supreme."

I've already got the fear sims loaded and ready to start playing on the vid screen. So once we have our food and drinks we can get the night started.

We settle in, almost like we would have before anything changed that it would almost be easy to pretend they never had. Not that any of us wanted to pretend it hadn't. It's more than obvious how deep she's worked her way into our lives and routines.

Chase's choice of the two types of pizza we've discovered she likes to even the fucking beer we all now prefer to drink…are just a few of the ways we've changed or incorporated her into the group. The fact that she's not here and we're still eating and drinking her favorites is more of an indication of our state of mind right now, or rather who is on it.

"She'll be fine without us there tonight, right? I mean, she hasn't had an incident with those so-called therapy sessions of theirs, not since those first few times when it was just us anyways." Chase mumbles as he swallows down a bite bite of the cheeseburger pizza, with extra cheese. He washes it down with some of the ginger ale beer.

His declaration might seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but he's just speaking out loud what had been on our minds anyways.

"She'll be fine. You have to admit she has been getting better in her sims now that she got past that first one. I know this exposure therapy thing had a rough start but it's gotten better now that the whole group decided to join in and do the same with some of their fears. Besides, Shauna's with them as well tonight, and I trust she won't hesitate to pull any one of them out if she thinks they need it. Especially Kat."

I remain stubbornly quiet as they discuss the state of things and how the initiates have all seemed to improve since they started talking their fears out together. My brothers aren't wrong, and it's been working out exactly as Zach suggested it would that day in my office. But the serum is still messing with people and we're still seeing an increase in the mental and emotional toll on the initiates than in years past.

Of course, the person I care about most is Kat, and even I admit…although it's grudgingly, that she has improved.

It took a lot convincing and planning with Zach for me to be comfortable before I completely agreed to letting Kat move forward with her plan. Despite my objections and hesitancy, the so-called exposure therapy that was suggested did have some positive effects if it is used properly. That kind of therapy can be used to help people overcome certain things that were affecting them mentally or emotionally, but I had only seen the lesser known sinister side being put to use.

In Erudite, those who were or would be involved in the more…ethically challenged…experiments they conducted…were put through a special version of that kind of treatment. It helped those in charge desensitize people to the things that could border or outright torture, reducing the chances they would feel any compassion for those who were their subjects.

I wanted to make sure there was no chance of anything like that happening with Kat. The method of exposure we finally all agreed that would be safe enough was by her watching movies and other video programs that had clowns in them.

The first time I insisted on being there, but Zach and Chase were too since we used Zach's apartment for the first session. He suggested starting out with what would be considered a kid friendly version of a clown. She countered his suggestion by saying that she needed to see how bad her reaction was really going to be outside of the sim, and what safer environment to do it than in the apartment with just the three of us.

So we compromised and went with a version that wasn't as innocent as the kid version but also not as bad as the kind straight from a horror story.

By the end of the night Zach was thankful he had the sedative on hand, Chase was thankful it was just the three of us that had been there, and I was thankful I left my fucking knives at home this time.

She got progressively better though. Enough that we felt confident to let her start going to the theater with her friends, but only as long as one of us was there. Getting to that point, regardless of whether she had wanted to or not, took more time and suffering than I would have liked…but I was honestly relieved when there started to be some major improvements.

As relieved as I might be, I also found myself feeling pissed off at times; knowing that she had every capability to manipulate her sims but for whatever reason she didn't. Not even as an instinctive and unconscious reaction, like both Tris and Uri had done before we intervened. Overall, the fear sims have started to improve.

The day she moved past the fear seemed to be going like all the other days before. She was still fighting it. Yeah, I can admit that maybe she hadn't been fighting as hard or as mindlessly as she had in the past. Her attacks did seem to be more focused and well thought than usual, suggesting that she was gaining the ability to think more rationally than before.

But again…she was just completely choosing to ignore my coaching's and was still fighting the goddamn thing.

That particular day, she happened to be focusing more and more intently, enough that it started to naturally lower her breathing and heart rate. She wasn't trying to do it purposely, but the program didn't know that.

It did what it was supposed to do when someone successfully attempted to get those two stats under a certain threshold on their own, it would move them forward whether they wanted to keep going or not.

Kat was broody and sullen for a few days after and I hadn't been much better to be honest because I was so mixed up on how I felt about it.

As it stands now, Tris does still manipulate from time to time but she does it so fluidly that I think Jeanine would be hard pressed to detect without all of her fancy equipment to do the work for her.

Uri's reactions seem to be a combination of the two girls. Since Chase started working with him I can tell the young Pedrad has matured from the naturally impulsive boy he used to be and has gained a measure of caution and planning. He hasn't quite mastered shutting off his ability like Kat but he's gotten a firmer reign on it. However when he lets it slip, when something takes him off guard enough that he lets his instincts take over, he's almost as fluid at his manipulations as Tris is hers.

While we were taking our shower together this morning, Kat broke down and admitted she's pretty sure that her sister is Divergent. I didn't confirm it but I didn't deny it either. I skirted the truth a bit, telling her that sims aren't always the best judge of divergence.

That, at least, is completely true. I'm not divergent but if someone like myself would have been observing me during my initiation sims…they might have suspected I might just be divergent because of my times and the fact that I had the second lowest number of fears in our year's group. The next step that would have been needed to absolutely confirm it would have been to be put under a series of tests in a lab at Erudite.

That's exactly what we're working hard to prevent. Even for Uri and Tris.

After we go over the footage of the sims for the day we take a small break as Chase takes over and gets the next round of vids we need to go over.

I help Zach clean up from our dinner then get us another round of drinks. After hitting up the bathroom we gather back in the living room. The mood darkens considerably as we get started on this next task, which is to review all the surveillance footage we've been gathering to see if Four is really helping Tris or not.

Honestly, we most likely could have stopped after the first round, because Tris seemed to have gotten good enough at masking her divergence. But during that first batch of vids, we saw something when they were together that needed to be looked into further.

"If we confirm our suspicions about Four…are you going to tell Kat?" Zach asks just as Chase starts the first of the newly intensified surveillance we started to gather on the man in question.

I don't answer right away, my hand tightens around the bottle of beer as I drink almost half of it in one go.

"No," I finally grind out before downing the rest of it and slamming the bottle onto the side table.

I expected their reactions, their sighs of disapproval and cut off sounds of protest as they realized how close to the edge of losing my shit I am. Still, Zach can't completely stop himself from voicing his thoughts.

"All these fucking secrets. We said that we wouldn't do that." He huffed out in frustration.

"You think I don't fucking know that?" I snap out angrily. "Do you think I like having to keep this shit from Kat, especially knowing that when it does finally all come out it's going to come back on me? She needs to focus on herself…getting through all this shit…and she doesn't need to worry about anything or anyone else more than she already does. And this shit…" I point angrily at the screen where it's showing Four and her sister disappearing into his apartment and holding hands and looking way too cozy with each other. "That shit is going to destroy her."

I jerk out of my seat and stomp my way over to the window, not being able to stand looking at the two of them anymore. I'm too damn on edge right now and trying to stop myself from doing something stupid for what they are doing behind her back.

"Talk to us, brother. We need to know what's going on in your head…how you want to handle this." Chase softly coaxes me while still remaining in his seat.

I remain looking out of the window. Trying to think how to answer his first question.

What's going on in my head? I don't even fucking know. Right now it's flashing between memories.

Kat standing next to her sister, their hair and clothes splattered in paint, looking at the older girl and radiating love and devotion.

Watching on a monitor as Kat sheds angry, pain filled tears as she and Four exchange words. Seeing the devastated look in his eyes that she completely misses as she turns away from him before the jump on the train.

Kat's smile when she found those knives in her fear sim and his smile when he realized what she was holding as well. A memento of their friendship obviously. Neither of them really recognized the significance of the fact that it worked its way into her fear sim. I did though.

The look in her eyes this morning in the shower and her broken sobs as she cried out her worry for her sister. The way she then looked at me when I promised her that I would protect her sister, how much faith and trust her green eyes held.

All this time Kat's been so fucking worried about those two, rebuilding the relationships and keeping them safe…they've been running around behind her back. No, I'm not about to be the one to tell Kat and break her fucking heart.

I catch a flash of my reflection in the window and sneer at myself in disgust. For what I don't really know, other than hating how out of sorts I am feeling. I need to get myself together. I need to come up with a plan on how to deal with this new pile of shit that's just been added to the already over flowering mound of it I'm trying to take care of.

Number boys' interest in Kat's sister is strategically beneficial to our situation. He will be sure to keep an close eye on her when she's not with the others while also helping guide her to hide her divergence. That will take care of that worry, but it will also buy me some time.

Time to gather as much dirt and shit on him as I can so when the asshole does slip up, I can remove him from the equation altogether. Inhaling deeply for a second I hold it in for a few seconds and by the time I release it I've come up with an answer.

"My order stands." I say firmly and calmly. "I promised Kat I would protect her sister and this new development will help me keep that promise. So…for now…we don't say anything to anyone about their romantic involvement. But we will maintain surveillance," I inform them with a small wicked smirk. "You know, just to keep an eye on things."

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