Chapter 73 - My Demons
~Mayday, mayday
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling
They're all around me circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors~
[My Demons; Starset]
Kat
Laughter rings loudly around me, joining the din of noise in the Pit. It didn't take long for me to join my friends in the act, not with Zeke and Uri joining forces and unleashing all their chaotic goofiness. I sit between Lynn and Mar, my stomach starting to cramp because the boys have us all laughing so hard with their antics.
Around me, the others are all big smiles and relaxed postures.
It's a complete turn around to how we all were just thirty short minutes ago. The last movie therapy session we had was a doozy and a few of us had their fears turn up all in one horrific movie.
I would blame it on Alex, the guy who runs the theater. But honestly, he was just doing what I…what we all…challenged him to do once we told him what was up with us. The guy had done his job with a zeal that was both impressive and frightening.
It was bad enough that we all decided that tonight would be the last time we do that again for a while, if at all, and I'm okay with that decision. Honestly, I'm afraid that a few of my friends might have a fear of clowns and other things they might not have had before we started doing this experiment together. But I guess, the main goal has been accomplished, at least for me I know things are better than they had been.
My fear sim has moved on from the first one, though not in the way I would have liked to. But now that I am past it and I've seen what else is in store for me…I realized I was letting myself get stuck on one when who knows how many I will end up having.
In past years, the initiates all had some kind of scan done that would tell them how many fears they had before they even started the sims. Apparently that was what gave Tobias his new name when he got here, because he had only four fears.
They stopped doing that after Eric and Four's group and though I'm not positive it's the entire reason, I have a very strong suspicion that their resulting rivalry might have played a part. It's not like I'm about to ask Eric about it, he's already on a hair trigger anytime the subject of Four comes up.
Then again, it seems like everyone around here is on a hair trigger these days and we're all looking for ways to relieve the pressure we're under. Which is why I cheer along with everyone else when Peter and Tank make their way to our group, loaded down with drinks.
"There they are. Did you and Hayes get lost or something?" Lynn taunts them from beside me as they make their way further into the group of us, passing out drinks.
"Nah, the jerks at the bar wouldn't give them to us at first. Apparently all the bartenders were given warnings about how much or often they're serving initiates." Tank drawls out, looking frustrated while Peter looks at me pointedly as he explains.
When he gets close enough to hand me my own bottle of preferred beer for when I drink it, he leans in close and furthers that explanation. "It was more like they were warned not to service a very specific initiate, and it took us promising you weren't with us for him to cave. So no getting drunk for you tonight. Tank and I decided that you're cut off after that one. Enjoy it while it lasts."
I rolled my eyes and took the beer he handed me without any comment. I had no intentions of getting drunk or having more than one regardless of them cutting me off. Once everyone had a few sips in them they relaxed even more.
While the conversation drifted from subject to subject, more often than not some aspect of initiation came up. It ran the gamut of our entire experience. From what it was like to be up on the stage the day of our choosing, to the first time we held a gun firing live rounds.
Everyone shared some kind of story, something a bit more personal than we would have ever shared just a few weeks before. There was some good natured bragging as well, of course. This wouldn't be Dauntless if there wasn't a bit of that thrown in. There was also bragging on others, which seemed to be in the spirit of our new found camaraderie, because as the saying goes…misery loves company.
The drinks and lighthearted conversation is going a long way to making me feel a bit more relaxed than I have in a while. That is, until Peter and Lynn decide to start bragging about me and Tris and our latest confrontation with Molly that happened earlier today. They way they are telling it, you would think my sister and I had laid a severe beat down on the girl. But that's not what happened at all.
It was a similar kind of incident like the ones I had with Peter and Cara. One where I felt a white hot rage that I unleashed in cutting words. This time Tris was right beside me seething in her own way.
After being released for the day and getting cleaned up, Tris and I had gone for a walk by ourselves while everyone else decided that they would gather in the transfer dorms. We told everyone we were going somewhere for some sister bonding time, but honestly we were both feeling a bit overstimulated and needed to get away from the constant crowds we seemed to be surrounded by now.
We found our way to a rooftop, the one we made the jump from on our first day here. For the longest time we just sat in the quiet while enjoying the fresh air and the sun as it peaked out from behind the heavily clouded sky. It wasn't until it started to get too cold and windy that we decided to meet up with everyone.
That's when we broke the comfortable silence. We were talking about what we hoped for when initiation was over. How we both hoped to have somewhere we could possibly have even a small bit out of outdoor space. Or even just a window that we could open, let the fresh air in and maybe hang a planter or two. There were even ideas for how we wanted to decorate the place, and what kind of colors we might use besides the black and gray that would be standard in most housing.
That was how we found ourselves walking into the dorm room at the tail end of Molly holding court and reading the latest slanderous article from Erudite. An article that seemed to be mostly aimed at spreading the lie that Abnegation abuses all their dependents in some way.
I could see her eyes light up as we walked in just as she got to the part where some 'anonymous' source was quoted as they shared how traumatized the two female transfers from Abnegation were. How the girls were plagued by nightmares and the pathetic physical condition they arrived in.
Part of me just wanted to turn around and walk back out, not even bothering to give her any kind of reaction. But I knew what that would look like to her and everyone else there. I could see the looks of the other initiates, dauntless born and transfer alike. The expressions varied, ranging anywhere from pity and curiosity to amusement and anger.
The expression that mattered the most to me though, the person I was most concerned about, was of course my sister's. She was livid enough that I am sure she would have gladly given Molly the fight I knew she was hoping for. Honestly, I would have joined in if it hadn't been for the suspicion I had that it was exactly what Molly was hoping for. With how thick tensions are and how tightly wound most of us are…there was no way that if a fight did break out, it would stay between the two or three of us.
No…I had been almost positive that Molly was counting on an outright brawl to happen. One that I'm sure would end up with one or both of the Prior girls severely hurt if she had anything to say about it.
So, after putting a restraining hand on Tris' arm and quietly whispering to her the request that she follow my lead, I walked into the dorm and over to where our beds were. The entire time, I continued to softly talk to my sister, as if we were just continuing our previous conversation and weren't a bit bothered by what was going on with everyone else.
I could tell this took everyone by surprise, even Molly. Enough that she didn't become angry right away. But I knew it was going to happen as first Lynn, then Mar and a few others actually turned away and joined us in our quiet conversation. Completely ignoring her.
That pissed her off and she gave up on reading from the article then resorted to loudly insulting us, our birth faction, but especially our parents. The one that really set me off…made me go into that white hot rage I go into now…was when she started taunting me about my fear sim. Saying she didn't believe my fear was what I said it was, that it was probably related to what our daddy did to us at night.
"And how did you and Tris handle that?" Zeke's question breaks me out of my mental replaying of the events Peter had just started describing to Zeke and Shauna. His questions are strained, worried even as he looks at me.
I don't have time to answer him because Lynn interjects her own perspective of the event.
"Oh she laughed in her face." She proclaims with a big smile, but I can see the strain in her eyes too and how angry she still is on our behalf. "Then Molly, all red and flustered, asked her what was so funny. Kat without hesitation or missing a beat…and while still laughing...replied, 'Obviously I'm laughing at you'. Then she stopped laughing, and just smiled her smile at her. You know the one I'm talking about." She says with a smirk, briefly cutting eyes at Peter who shivers slightly beside me. But he's not the only one, I notice, and it makes me frown a little for a moment.
Lynn laughs, noticing the reactions from the others as well and continues on. "Yeah, that's about how Molly reacted too. She tried to backtrack a little, saying she was just reading out the facts and truths that Erudite published for all to read. Kat said she had a few truths to add if that was the case."
"What truths?" Zeke asks, looking right at me and holds up a hand to Lynn when she once again was going to answer for me.
I chew on my bottom lip, blushing and looking around, not understanding why Zeke is looking at me so seriously right now.
"I pointed out the obvious, that although the cited source was listed as anonymous, they included a slight description of the person they were interviewing, and it was obviously describing Molly. Then there was the timing of the article, which would have been either on visiting day or sometime shortly after that, more specifically after the first stage ranking. She was already close to the bottom and she hasn't gotten any better, if anything she's gotten worse with the two groups combining. It's a well known fact Molly has bitterly complained and is upset about her ranking…but instead of actually putting in the work herself to do anything about it, she got Erudite to do her dirty work for her. Her motivation for reading it out in front of the group was obvious to me, Tris and I just made sure the other people could see it too."
"And that was all you did?" He asks me, an eyebrow quirked in disbelief. While his expression isn't as intense, there are still traces of it there around his eyes.
I don't know, maybe I'm imagining the look in his eyes being one of wariness and worry. Maybe it's all in my head because of how I feel about the way things ended. Because I hadn't been content to just leave her looking like a fool in front of all the other initiates. I had to take it further.
"Like that was going to happen when they went after her family." Peter muttered, not so quietly and didn't even shy away from my glare at him. He shrugs not even a bit concerned how uncomfortable I am right now.
Lynn takes over, telling the others who weren't there that just like she brought up my family, I brought hers into it too. Pointing out that my parents had shown up on visiting day…asking if anyone saw any trace that we weren't as happy to see them as they were us. Then the final parting remark, the one that I'm having the most regret about was when I tried to compare my parents with her own, only to snidely act like I was just remembering why I couldn't…because they, unlike mine, hadn't shown up.
While the others are laughing and cheering my actions on, I shrink in on myself, hating the part of me that's capable of things like that.
"You know…you have nothing to feel bad over." Peter scoots closer to me so I'm able to hear his quiet words over the ruckus of our group. "It's not like she hasn't said even worse shit to the both of you on a regular basis. She needed to be put in her place."
"I know that it needed to be done. I guess what I'm feeling bad about is that there for a minute...I liked knowing it hurt her. Seeing the expression on her face..it felt good…but not so much now." I reply softly, then lift my beer with a shrug and take a sip.
"Their parents are close to my dad, so I could never stand up to them or tell them to fuck off like I wanted to. Not if I didn't want him to make my mom's life even more hell than he already did. So, I just went along with it."
Not too long ago, Peter Hayes would have never admitted something like that to anyone, much less me. I've learned quickly from the few times he's done so over the last couple of weeks that he doesn't want placations, pity or even sympathy. But he will accept them somewhat grudgingly, as long as there's truth to them.
"I don't think we're the only ones here that had to act a certain way just to survive their old factions. I hope things weren't as bad for them…but I guess we can never really know."
"It's still a fucked up way to have to live, Stiff." He murmurs and I can only nod my complete agreement.
Neither of us get much time to dwell in the heaviness of our thoughts as first Lynn rejoins us, then Zeke and all the others. Once again I let myself be pulled into their lightheartedness because I know that as few as these kinds of moments have been lately, there are going to be even less of them in the remaining weeks of initiation ahead.
Rankings come out tomorrow which is worrying enough since I don't know where I am given how badly I did at the beginning of fear sims. The bright side is that there aren't cuts just yet, that won't happen until after the final test. Even though I know it should be, that isn't even my biggest worry. Something else has been heavy on my mind and that's the situation with Four and Tris.
I still can't come clean with my sister about my prior friendship with Tobias, or any of the major things that have happened to me since that friendship ended. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully tell her everything if I'm being honest.
I've given Four plenty of time to at least tell my sister that he is Tobias Eaton. Hopefully he will tell her more than that, maybe even a bit about what happened to him growing up. But with how he doesn't even like to admit it to himself…I doubt that will happen. Regardless, I plan on finding out if he kept his…well he didn't exactly promise me anything really and my demand was more a veiled threat than anything…
It's time to follow up on that threat. Not tonight…but soon.
Eric has been practically begging me not to borrow trouble from what might be in store for the future…and just worry about what's right in front of me.
So that's what I'm going to do…at least for the moment.
*****Worth Fighting For*****
"I think you'll like what we're going to do next." Eric flashes me a grin over his shoulder as he walks away to the other side of the training room.
I watch him go with narrowed and concerned eyes. Eric isn't his intense self and seems like he's intent on not doing any of our normal routines this morning. That alone has me feeling like the hair at the back of my neck should be standing on end.
This man is all about his routines and today the only ones we've followed is that we had coffee with the others before coming here to our usual raining room. Everything since then has felt more like we're just hanging out together rather than getting any real training done.
Some people might think I should just be grateful that I have a boyfriend who seems to be so damn happy spending time with me, even if that time is in a gym. Those people would be right, to an extent. I'm glad he enjoys spending time with me like this. It's become our thing, and even when he seems to be kicking my ass during these sessions, it is one of my favorite parts of the day.
But today, something just feels…off…wrong…worrying. And it's not just Eric that's off either, everyone is. The only exception has been Peter who has picked up on the moods of the others but won't even try and figure out what's going on with them for me.
He thinks I'm too curious for his own health.
At first, I just thought things were still a bit tense since Raze, one of Eric's fellow leaders, started joining us in the morning. I could tell Eric hadn't really wanted him there by the set of his jaw but he kept quiet and allowed it for some reason. It made me wary of him those first days. By the third the smile and warmth he had whenever talking to me wore me down, even though I knew Eric wasn't exactly happy with my growing friendship with the older man. Of course, my ready acceptance of Raze might have been helped along by the fact that the man always came with a big thermos full of the most amazing coffee I've ever had.
He had my heart at first sip. That's what unthinkingly muttered out loud that first morning and Eric hadn't taken that too well at all. It didn't help that Raze clearly felt smug at my statement or that the man was amused as hell when Eric couldn't hide his own displeasure. The morning training session that day reflected his mood, as did our shower together where Eric was demanding and rough and hot as hell.
It was so hot that I found myself contemplating doing or saying something again that might ensure another round like that. I didn't push things though. Not right now, not with how tightly wound everyone around me seems to be…and that brings me back to this moment.
Not too long after Raze inserted himself into the group Eric warned me that we needed to be even more careful than we had been before, that we were being watched. He hadn't actually said this was why his fellow leader was hanging around…but I could put two and two together.
That's why his current freely smiling almost carefree attitude (or as carefree as Eric Coulter ever allows himself to be) is more than a little confusing and worrying. I walk towards him slowly, watching as he grabs his bag of equipment then sets it on the table near the area designated for knife target practice in this training room.
By the time I'm standing beside him he's found whatever he was looking for and pulls them out. One he sets down on the table, the other he holds in his hand while moving the bag out of the way.
"What are we doing, Eric?" I ask as I move closer to him.
He glances over at me, a smirk on his lips with a twitch at the side, then he puts the other object down beside the first. "I thought we could finally have that throwing competition we talked about having."
This is definitely not something I thought Eric would be proposing right now as it's one of the activities we've both agreed is more of a date activity for us and as such it's not something we should be doing during our mornings together.
"Okay, that could be fun." I replied a bit hesitantly while trying not to let my worry show by shrugging.
"Well then, you're going to need these." He grins back at me and nods towards the table.
I look down, just now realizing what the objects he grabbed from his bag are.
The first is what I know to be Eric's carrying case for his throwing knives. It's made of a study black synthetic leather that has blood red leather on the edges and fastening straps to keep it closed. It's embossed with the letters E. L. C in a beautiful but simple script. When rolled out, the inside is lined with a softer red, almost velvet looking material which highlights the exquisite looking and completely black blades held securely inside.
These knives aren't the everyday use ones he wears stashed in the pockets of his pants and jackets or that he would normally use for knife practice. He only uses them when he's alone and focusing solely on improving his throwing abilities and he's definitely never let anyone else touch them.
I only know that because Chase mentioned it to me. It was the day I was sitting at the clinic after having cut myself using these same knives. At the time, he seemed so casual about it, making it seem like he was just talking to me to keep me focused on something other than my injury. I realized later he had been trying to tell me something in his own way by letting me know what that meant for Eric, to let me see them much less actually use them.
I swallow and move my eyes to look at the other bundle where his hand is gently resting right now. This one has the same black synthetic leather but the accent color is a rich, dark teal color.
Which also happens to be my favorite color.
My eyes widened and snapped to his to see him watching me closely. He can tell I've figured it out, but I guess I must look so shocked he feels he needs to explain it to me.
"It wouldn't exactly be challenging if only one of us had the better quality knives to work with. Besides, you need your own knives set if we're going to be able to go head to head anyways.
It takes me an embarrassingly long time for the realization to fully sink in that Eric just gave me a gift at all…but that it's the knives I've been coveting and drooling over is almost mind blowing. My whole body warms up and all the worry I was feeling just melts away as a smile spreads across my face. His shoulders drop a little when he seems to relax at my reaction, not by much but it's enough to tell he's releasing a tension in his body I hadn't recognized he was holding.
He pushes the case over to me and I eagerly grab them up, petting and stroking the outside…causing him to chuckle.
I run my fingers over the embossing of the letters K. P. as I reach up to the fastening to finally take a look at what's inside. As I expected the dark teal is used for the lining and makes for a breathtaking backdrop for those finely crafted knives.
I reverently touch one before pulling it free then set the case down. I hold it up for inspection as a thought runs through my mind and I can't help saying it out loud. "Oh, these must have taken so long to get done."
"I ordered them a while ago." He tells me, his cheeks just slightly tinged in color while rubbing the back of his neck. "You seemed to like mine and when I saw how good you are with them…." He trails off, then he scowls and drops his hand down with a shrug. "The knives are well made, but they always have them on hand for when someone places an order. What takes the longest is if there are any modifications to the blades that are requested and the carrying case since it can be personalized as well. Yours didn't take long since I only personalized the case. Even if you don't intend to use them for anything other than practice it would be stupid to put anything personally identifying on the knives."
"That makes sense," I agree with a small frown and it does, although I don't understand why he seems to be almost angry right now.
He takes a breath and lets it out with his eyes closed for a second, when he opens them back up they are much softer and the scowl is gone too. "Obviously you can't keep them in the dorm with you, so it will be better if I hang onto them until after initiation."
"Of course." I manage to reply calmly, even though inside I'm squealing like a little girl and having to hold myself back from throwing myself into his arms to show him right here and now how much I love my gift.
I know he doesn't want me to make a big deal of this, and probably would feel the same even if we didn't have the extra worry of being watched. Instead I settle for reaching out and putting a hand on his arm before he can turn away then wait until I have his full attention.
"Thank you, Sir," I say softly enough for him to hear me, hoping I put enough emotion into the three words to communicate how I'm feeling right now.
He smiles at me, that smile I love so much, before he remembers where we are. He shrugs while clearing his throat. "Right. Let's get started then."
I let go of his arm but not before I let my eyes communicate one last thing to him, and that's the promise that I will be showing him how much I loved my gift later when we're alone.
*****Worth Fighting For*****
"So, I'm guessing we're not going to be getting breakfast this morning." I say with a breathless chuckle, sprawled over Eric who is laying under me trying to catch his own breath.
We're in his apartment like we always are after our morning training sessions but once again today has not followed the normal routines. The door was barely closed behind him before he was on me and kissing me passionately. Not that I was about to complain since I had been planning to do something similar.
"I didn't hear you complaining earlier. In fact, you're the one that started the last bit. I tried to move things to the shower." His chest rumbles with the laughter in his words and smirks at me when I turn a glare on him.
"Well, I'm complaining now. I'm hungry and was looking forward to getting some of that casserole." I grumble and huff, but still don't make an effort to get up.
I know I still need to get showered and dressed out for the day, and of course Eric will be joining me which always slows down the process.
Then Eric starts running a hand through my hair and massaging my scalp at times. He's also subtly pressing my head back to his chest, a sign he doesn't want me to get up either. So I give in and let myself relax into him.
I love these moments. When we get to be together like this in the quiet. We get so few of them that it seems we're always trying to fill them in some way. Either with talking about things going on in initiation and training or using our limited time to satisfy our desire for each other. I love any time that we have together, but these are the moments with him that I treasure.
"Hey, Kat…" His tone alerts me to a mood shift and I raise my head to look at him again. His eyes are pinched in that way he gets when he's worried about something.
"Yeah?"
He doesn't reply right away. He remains quiet for a few seconds, looking pensive before he sighs and shakes his head. "Never mind. It's not important and you need to focus on training."
I can't help frowning, because despite him dismissing whatever he was going to say as not important, I know it definitely was.
I know Eric, Chase and Zach have all been stressed about whatever is going on in the faction that they can't tell me about. I've tried to be understanding and not push for Eric to tell me what's going on. Especially because anytime I've thought about doing that I ended up feeling like the biggest hypocrite considering I still haven't really talked to Eric about my past.
All that pent up tension that has been building up over the last few weeks just snaps inside me. I've officially hit my limit.
"That's it…I've had enough," I push off of him and up to my knees faster than he can react and then just sit there glaring at him. "I've tried not to pry because you've said it was leader business and I believed you. But I've also known there's more to it that you aren't telling me, and I've tried to wait until you do…naively thinking you would talk about it when you're ready. Now you're all treating me as if the reason you aren't telling me is because you think I can't handle whatever it might be. All that's doing, besides worrying the hell out of me, is pissing me off so bad I'm about ready to explode on something or someone."
Once Eric realized I was getting up he quickly followed me up as well, reaching out like he thought I was doing it with the intention of leaving. But when I pushed his hands away and launched into my rant he sat back on his heels and watched me with a frown.
"I know Kat, and the last thing I want to do is worry or distract you." He says as soon as I pause long enough for him to get a word in edgewise.
"There you go again," I huff out and throw my hands up in the air in frustration before letting them fall back to my sides clenched into fists. "It would be one thing if you told me it's faction business and I don't have the clearance to be told anything. I can completely understand that, even if I might not like it. But saying it's because you don't want me to worry is essentially saying you don't think I can handle it. You're doing exactly what you promised me you wouldn't do. We said no more secrets, Eric!"
My voice cracks as the dreaded tears start to fall. I shouldn't be crying. I don't want to be crying. I also can't seem to help myself lately. Even though the primary feeling I have right now is frustration, bordering on anger, I've also got a lot of other things going on too. Emotions that seem to fluctuate and change at the drop of a dime.
I've been told the new serum is wrecking my hormones and other things that can affect a person's mood, but it doesn't make me feel better. Especially since it just seems to be proving the fact that I really couldn't handle whatever is going on with the guys.
I don't fight him when wraps me up in his arms and pulls me back to the rug with him. He alternates between running his hands through my hair and down my spine. Those are the places that calm me the most, though he doesn't often touch me down my back since that area is the first one to be affected with pain when it flares up. He does this for so long without speaking I don't think he's even going to.
Honestly, it might be better to just let things drop so I don't start crying again.
"There are things worrying us, and those things actually are classified. So no matter how much we hate keeping it from you, our hands are tied. But you're right in that I've been preoccupied with something else. It's just not related to the other stuff and seems insignificant in comparison."
"Maybe it is, but I would still like to know. To be able to help or just be here for you and to listen to you no matter what it's about." I sniffed, my tears slowed to an almost stop.
He stops his ministrations and instead wraps his arms around me again, pulling me tighter for a second before sighing and loosening his hold a little. "Okay, I was thinking about how training will be ending soon.
"Yeah, I know." I agree and pull back so I can see his face, and find it just like I thought it would be, blank of anything. Which means he's put up the wall he uses, especially when he's trying not to upset or hurt me.
"The rest of the initiation is going to be off the charts busy but the last week will be the absolute worst. There's a reason we call it hell week. But it also means that our mornings together will most likely have to be put on hold. I'll try to do one or two, but between meetings about training, preparation for the end of it and all my other normal duties, I'm barely going to have time to eat or sleep."
I frown and nod, not liking what I know is in store for me but hating what he's going to be put through even more. "I figured that it would be harder to see each other now that it's coming to an end."
The blank mask breaks as his body tenses and he looks at me with an almost icy glare. "You don't sound too upset about that prospect."
"What?" I ask, sounding as confused as I'm feeling right now.
"Exactly what I said, Kat. It didn't sound to me as if you care one way or another if we get to see each other." His tone is cold and I can feel him pulling away, even if physically I'm still laying on him.
Anger surges through me and I put a hand on his chest to push up so I can look at him full on to let it loose on him. To tell him that I'm trying to be understanding. I didn't want him to think I'm not aware of how demanding his position can be or that I expect him to make exceptions for me. I don't want to come off as the clingy and needy girlfriend, even though in reality I feel like I am.
Then he does something that makes me pause before I lash out at him.
Despite his cold tone and the feeling I had he was pulling away, Eric still uses one of his hands to reach behind me and tries to pull me back towards him. It's not much, but it is enough to let me know there's more to whatever is going on here right now. There's something deeper that's made him jump to that conclusion and whatever it is, he doesn't really believe it, or else he wouldn't be trying to keep me here with him.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath and release it before opening my eyes back up to look at him lying there. His face is so expressionless but his eyes have that pinched look that usually means he's worried, but right now…it almost feels to me like he's more unsure than worried.
I raise up more, that hand pulling me back to him tenses but I have no intentions of moving away from him. Instead, I straddle him with my hand still on his chest as I bend down just enough that I'm not sitting up completely straight. Low enough that my chest brushes against his and his heart is beating against mine.
"I do care, Eric, so much. This morning…this morning I hated not being able to show how much what you did really meant to me. It's how it has to be, and I understand why it's necessary… but I fucking hate it. Do you know how awful it feels that the only time we can really be together is hidden away in this apartment? Do you know how many times I've had to fight off my own dark thoughts about how easy it would be for you to be using initiation as the reason I need to be kept a secret? The only things that's made it okay or made me able to drive those kinds of thoughts away and made everything that has been going on even a little bit bearable, has been this short amount of time with you. And soon even that's going to be gone. I can't even try to reassure myself it's just until initiation is over because there's no telling what will be in store for me when it is." I'm out of breath by the time I get all that out, so I take a hurried breath and continue, letting everything I've been holding inside free.
"You've been telling me for weeks not to get caught up in worrying about what might happen tomorrow, to just focus and be here now. So that's what I've been doing when it comes to us, to the fact that I don't know when we're going to be able to be together again. Because if I don't, Eric…," My voice cracks and I shake my head side to side, and bite my lip…unable to continue.
The coldness of his expression broke well before I couldn't speak anymore but the worried, pained expression deepened. When he saw I couldn't continue he pulled me tight against his chest and pressed his forehead to mine.
"This is killing me too, Kat. Having to sneak around and settle for what amounts to stolen moments with you. It's not enough…not by fucking half." He murmurs softly.
"We knew it was going to be hard, right?" I ask, happy I was able to keep it to just a few sniffles instead of full on crying.
"Not this hard," He grumbles and pulls me tighter while breathing me in deeply. "But just so you know, I have no intentions of either of us having to settle for these scraps of time together any longer than absolutely necessary. I meant what I said, no more hiding after initiation. Got it?"
I wordlessly agreed with a nod and my face in his neck. He nods as well then releases a big breath at the same as he sits up and brings me with him. He scoots until his back is against the couch and I get settled more comfortably in his lap.
"Believe it or not, I wasn't trying to start a fight." He murmurs and reaches up to brush hair that fell in my eyes when we switched positions.
"I believe it, Eric." I sigh in understanding and pleasure when he lightly brushes his finger along the edge of my ear, a gesture that is special between us.
"I was thinking about how busy we're going to be when I remembered what happens the night the final rankings are revealed in front of all of Dauntless. There's a big party where the whole compound gets involved. Since it is the unofficial end of initiation leadership kind of turns a blind eye if the initiates aren't sleeping in their dorms. We'll have to make somewhat of an appearance though, at least long enough for the rankings to be revealed. But I was wondering if you might want to skip the rest of it and come back home with me."
I don't even take as second to think before I answer him.
"Yes!" A smile spreads across my face, not only because there's nothing I would love better, but because it's apparent he's put a lot of thought into this and wants it just as much as I do.
Eric blinks a few times before a grin starts forming on his lips, "Yeah?" He looks so young and lighter at the moment. Right now he isn't a Dauntless leader with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He's just Eric. My Eric.
I lean in and kiss him softly before pulling back to answer him, with my forehead pressed against his.
"Absolutely, Eric. I know you'll have your duties for the night and the gang will expect me to at least have one drink with them to celebrate. But after that…" I pause and sigh in pleasure as he strokes up my back again "I'm all yours." I finish on a moan.
"Damn right you are." He growls and pulls me back in for a kiss, one that lets me know in no uncertain terms that I will be missing any chance of getting breakfast this morning.
*****Worth Fighting For*****
My mad dash through the Pit to the dining hall didn't attract much attention but it did draw Lynn's. Granted, she had been on the lookout for me anyway so even if I hadn't rushed past her on a mission to be able to get something to eat, she still would have found me.
By the time she herself makes it into the dining hall I have a mouth full of the muffin I scarfed down, another one in my hand while the other hand is cradling a mug of coffee. She laughs when she sees me trying to eat and drink at the same time.
"You're late," She proclaims with a smirk and snatches the untouched muffing from my hand.
I tried to snarl an objection at her, but it came out as a splutter where I almost choked on the mix of food and coffee in my mouth. I did however spray a bit of it out, some of which landed on her, which seemed to be a fitting repayment for her food theft. She shouts in disgust and moves away from me.
I manage to finally swallow my mouthful then put my empty mug down. My friend glares at me as she brushes herself off then turns to go. I snag another muffin and follow her, taking another bite as I answer her at the same time.
" 'S not even 0800 yet. I still have ten minutes."
"Yeah," She grimaces at me talking with my mouthful. "But that's late for you. I was worried." She narrows her eyes and looks me up and down, like she's inspecting me.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" I start brushing at it and the crumbs I see are all over my chest.
"No…it's just you usually show up with a whole bunch of fresh bruises going on. But you're looking less banged up than I've come to expect after he gets done with you." She shrugs as she says it, trying to act casual but I saw the disgust in her eyes when she referred to Eric.
"I thought you would be happy about that." I snap back at her hating that now even my hard-ass friend has joined in on the hate Eric's been getting from my friends.
She sighs and looks away for a second before glancing back at me. "I know you explained it, why he felt the need to up the intensity, and despite everything, I agree. That attack freaked us all out. It just…it fucking sucks, Kat!" She practically yells that last part.
"What sucks?" I ask her with concern.
"I used to think you were overreacting about Tris. I know you know she can handle herself, especially after her fight with Peter, but at the same time you feel so guilty about not being able to stop her from getting hurt at all. It's the same for me with you. I know you can handle yourself and that Eric is only trying to help you get stronger. But I fucking hate seeing you show up every morning looking like he just spent a couple of hours beating the shit out of you. I feel helpless and that pisses me off. It's just gotten worse with the sims and having to see…"
She trails off, her voice choked up by so much pain that I reach out to her then pull her to a stop and over to the side for privacy. "Lynn, has one of your sims been about one of us getting hurt?"
She looks away from me, her jaw gritted and tears shining in her eyes. Telling me without words it has to have been bad for my friend to cry at all, much less in public. "It was you. You and Eric…and he was…he made me…"
"Did he make you hurt me….in the sim?"
"No," She shakes her head in denial, her voice still strained and on the verge of breaking. "But it was still fucking awful. He made me watch while he tortured you. You were begging him to stop and asking him why he was doing that to you." She stops as a sob tears from her throat. "He said it was to teach me a lesson. That if I couldn't even stop him to protect you, how could I think I was strong enough to protect Dauntless."
I move in to hug her and her arms close around me tightly while continuing to pour out her fear to me. "I know it's not real and that he's not doing that to you in your training with him. But that doesn't stop me from feeling that way when you show up every day looking like you do in my sim."
"I wish I could say something that would make it better for you, Lynn." I say, close to tears myself as I tighten my hold on my friend. My heart hurts so badly for her. "What those simulations find in our minds is beyond our control and we aren't machines so of course we're going to react emotionally. I guess that's the whole point of this though, isn't it? It's to test us and see how we're going to handle things if they get really rough. It isn't much comfort that we're all going through the same thing but at least we have each other. Talking to you guys helps, because with all of us together in this, our family, it makes me stronger."
She nods into the hug before pulling away and swiping an arm across her face. "Chase said the same thing the first time the sim came up. He told me talking about it with you and the others would help. He even offered for me to talk about it with him as well. I can see why you like him so much. He really cares about you, Kat. He even promised me that he would make sure nothing like that ever became a reality."
"He's a really good friend," I tell her with a nod and a fond smile at the thought of my older friends and how much they mean to me.
She cocks her head to the side with a puzzling expression but doesn't say anything for a few seconds. "So, tell me what happened in today's training. It can't have been the normal routine because you're practically glowing."
She motions for us to continue on our way with a knowing grin as I turn red at her assumption. My silence causes her to chuckle but she lets it slide as we hurry on to get to the training room. I'm not late but I'm not as early as I'd like to be, so when we enter a good amount of the initiates, my sister and friends included, are already spread out through the big room. I spot Tris with Christina over at the knife section, already going at it. I start to head over in the direction but Lynn stops me, pulling me along with her to the sparring mats. All the while smiling and shaking her head at me. My friend and I enjoy working with knives together but just like Eric and I, she thinks it should be used for a down time activity for us.
With a roll of my eyes and a laugh I follow along.
Today we don't have to face the sims. Instead we're all expected to be in the training room, but it's self paced. The instructors don't really care what the initiates are doing as long as they are doing something, and not just goofing off. If we aren't working hard enough or doing something that they think won't be challenging enough for us, one of the trainers will call them out and find something else to do.
Their favorite thing they make these unfortunate people do is to spar against someone they will personally match them with. After the first few times, people caught on and now keep themselves busy. However, all the instructors, especially Eric when he's there, will still randomly call on people to spar. They say it's because they want to keep us sharp, but I think it's mostly because they get bored as hell too.
After warming up and stretching, I take the sparring pads and hold them so Lynn can go through her forms. We switch off periodically and I tell her a bit about this morning's training.
"So you guys didn't do any kind of training this morning?" She asks me with a frown.
I shake my head in the negative and carry on explaining. "I mean we did the normal warm up run and exercises, but we didn't spar like we normally do." She lands a few heavy blows to the sparring pads and I have to put in some effort to keep from being knocked back. "Instead we went head to head in knife throwing."
She stops and motions for us to switch out. I take off then pass over the gloves but I can't help smiling widely as I replay the competition in my mind. "Did you win or something?"
"Yeah, a few times. But that wasn't even the best part of the morning." I tell her with a shrug and a growing grin as I take my place.
Lynn motions me to go on, with the story and with my turn working on my forms. Before I do, I glance around to make sure no one is close enough to hear me. And then because I hadn't been able to do it when it happened, I bounced in place a few times and let out a happy giggle before gushing it out to her.
"Oh gosh, Lynn. I can't even believe it happened. But when he was telling me that's what we were going to be doing, he said I needed my own knife set so we could go head to head properly. And then he freaking gave me my own set! It's one of the really nice set-up we've both drooled over that Jake has on display."
"The black composite knives in the synth leather carrying case?" She asks after her jaw dropped in disbelief.
I nod gleefully, not even bothering to hide my smile. She shakes her head, like she's shaking off the shock and for a second almost looks jealous. "So tell me again how that went down. I'm sure he didn't pull a Zeke and make a big show of it. Which, by the way, he always messes up either by getting the wrong kind of thing for Shauna or going overboard in how he gives it to her."
I laugh at the image of what Zeke might do when giving anyone a gift and I shudder, glad that Eric is nothing like that. I spot Lauren walking in our general direction and watching us with a frown on her face, so I pick up my hands and take my turn on going through my forms.
In between each one I relay to her how Eric went about giving me the knives, as well as telling her what they look like. I finish up the story just as I'm releasing a final series of fast paced punches and Lauren finally walks away from our area.
"And he said that he would hold onto them for me until after initiation, since I can't keep them with me in the dorm."
"Damn," Lynn grumbles and takes off the pad, shaking her hand from the force of my last hit but she's also wearing a grin, so I know she's also expressing her feelings about what I've told her. "Coulter did good." She acknowledges with a panted chuckle.
"Oh…you have no idea." I say giggling and waggling my eyebrows at her suggestively.
"Yeah….I don't need to have that floating around in my head." She says while wrinkling her nose in disgust.
*****Worth Fighting For****
The rest of the training passed pretty quickly. There was a bit of drama early on when Lauren decided to cause problems for me and Lynn shortly towards the end of us practicing our forms together. She yelled at Lynn for allowing a "pathetic stiff" to distract her from her training. Saying that she needed to be careful I didn't use my friendship to try and sabotage her in the rankings.
Then she and Four got into it when Lauren ordered me to get in to ring with one of the Dauntless-born for a match. I was mad enough that I wasn't going to let Four stop whatever she was pulling and just went ahead and carried out the fight with Seth, the guy she picked for me to go against.
Chase stepped in and saw what was going on, realized I wasn't going to back down, and decided to let us proceed. It ended up being a good match. I started out angry and wanting to show Lauren just what this 'little stiff' can do. But that quickly went away and I got into the challenge of fighting against someone new again. It wasn't an easy win but I did in fact win the match.
Lauren has looked like she swallowed something sour for the remainder of our time and been a complete pain in the ass to everyone around her. So when we're released for the day and head to lunch, everyone is beyond ready to get out of there.
Our normal table isn't as crowded as it normally is since everyone that is involved in training isn't here. I make it through the line to get my food then to the table in record time. Tris sits beside me today, but while I'm eagerly eating…she's picking at her food.
"What's up?" I ask her around a bite of chicken.
"Just a lot on my mind with what's next in training and what might happen after it." She shrugs and glances over at me.
I nod and push some food around on my plate while trying to figure out how to respond to that. I know it's more but what I don't know is if it's something to do with Four, or divergence, or if she really is just worried about what she said she is.
"You know you can talk to me right? About anything." I tried not to let my tone be as hopeful…as desperate…as I'm feeling right now. Because I know that would just make her feel pressured, she hates that and it's a sure fire way to get her to shut down instead.
Tris nods but doesn't respond other than that. Hurt stabs through me and I stab a piece of pasta on my plate. I see her glance over at me from the corner of my eye, then she sighs and looks even more miserable before gathering her tray and standing up.
"I'm going to go for a walk. I'll see you guys in the training room for the rankings reveal."
Our friends look between her and me, then watch her walk away with frowns.
"What's up with her?" Uri asks, looking both confused and worried.
I pull myself together enough to answer without breaking down in the tears I can feel burning behind my eyes. "Probably the same as all of us. She's worried about the sims, our rankings and what's in store for us next."
They accept my answer, even though I can see them looking at me worriedly throughout the rest of lunch. No one says anything else about that. Instead the talk turns to what everyone is going to do with the free time we have until we need to be in the training room for the rankings to be revealed. I realize I have no desire to be surrounded by the noise and activities everyone is suggesting.
What I really want is some time alone, to think and process everything that's been going on.
Lynn proves once again why she's the best friend in the world, when she distracts the others without me even asking her to. She gets that sometimes I just need to be alone, to recharge and decompress because she gets that way too. She gives me a chin lift once I'm clear and smirks as I slip away.
I have no real destination in mind so I just meander around the shop area of the Pit as I think about my sister and what could be troubling her. There's a part of me that's hoping it's about Four. Specifically that Tobias went ahead and came clean to her about everything, even our friendship.
I know I gave him a specific timeline, that I told him to wait until after initiation to tell her that part because I didn't want her to be distracted but I don't know if I can wait any more.
I miss my sister. I miss that time when we were so young and innocent that the biggest problem we had with each other was who's turn it was to do dishes while the other person dried them. The amount of secrets, lies or just evasions has kept piling up and it's weighing me down. Something I know I can't afford in a time like this. I guess in some respects, we're all at a breaking point. Something or someone is going to break soon. I just know it.
What I'm not sure about, what I fear, is that it's going to be me.
My aimless walk takes me close to the tattoo parlor and it gives me the idea to stop in, talk with Tori and Bud and maybe even check out any new designs they've come up with. When I'm just about to enter, I see Tori exit from the back area, closely followed by my sister. Tris looks pale and upset as they continue to talk. The tattoo artist places a hand on her shoulder and says something to her that has my sister nodding at her before she hurries away.
I stand there feeling hurt that my sister wouldn't talk to me about whatever is bothering her, but apparently feels comfortable enough talking to someone she barely knows. Then the ridiculousness of my thoughts hits me when I remember I've been doing exactly the same thing with Zach.
Suddenly, being alone didn't feel too great.
Where I desperately wanted to go wasn't an option. Eric wouldn't be there and going to his apartment was too much of a risk anyways for something as silly as feeling lonely and having my feelings hurt. There was somewhere else I could, someone else I could go to that would be willing to listen to me and before I knew it, I'm standing outside his office.
His door is closed, which isn't completely out of the ordinary but gave me pause enough that I hesitated and then knocked instead of just going right in like I normally would.
I realized that there were muffled voices of people speaking, but only because I clearly heard them stop and then the shuffling sounds of someone coming to the door.
Zach greets me with a strained smile and closes the door slightly to keep me from seeing in completely. It's too late though, I saw at least one of the people on the other side.
"Kat, is everything okay?" He asks me with a worried frown on his face.
"Umm," I blink and look at him still trying to gather myself from the shock of seeing my own father sitting in one of the visitor chairs in my friends office. "Yeah…it's just…the rankings haven't been posted yet and I went for a walk. I ended up here." I finished lamely.
My dad turns in the chair to look at me with a pinched look on his face. When Zach turns to look back at him he just nods. "It's okay, Zach. We had already decided we needed to bring her in for this, it's just happening a little sooner than we thought it would."
"Come on in, Princess," He says softly enough that only I can hear him as he opens the door wider and motions me in.
I step in slowly, and Zach waits until I'm clear of the door before he closes and locks it, then moves to the chair behind his desk. I take a few more stunned steps in, my eyes locked on my father's until another voice draws my attention.
"This is your daughter?" It's then I notice the man in the chair to the left of my dad's smiling warmly at me as I enter. A man I remember clearly from the council meetings I've attended in the past. Jack Kang. He's the Candor's holds the position of Chief Justice, which is that factions top leaders title.
"Yes, this is my youngest daughter, Kat Prior." He smiles at me and winks at the slightest glare I flash at him for the reminder of being the baby of the family. It had always irked me. "Kat, I'm sure you recognize Jack Kang."
"Hello," I return the greeting timidly then take the only open chair to the right of my dad. "Dad…what's going on? Why are you here…and…what does it have to do with me?" I ask him when he reaches over to take my hand in his and squeezes it gently.
It's not my dad who answers my question, but Jack Kang. Any trace of geniality is gone from him when he does.
"Kat Prior," Jack intones, his expression is one I know all too well as the one he wears at council meetings in his role as the Chief Justice of Candor. "It is my understanding that you have information in regards to the illegal activities and abuse perpetrated by one Marcus Eaton."
I'm left stunned, wondering if the sound of a gavel strike is as heavy sounding as the words he just spoke. It sounds as if some kind of judgment was passed on me with a boom that only I can hear apparently.
Panic take over, and it feels as if the walls are closing in on me. I look over at Zach, my friend. The one who promised I could tell him anything and he wouldn't tell anyone else until I was ready. The one person I've ever confided in about any of that…and he betrayed me. He wouldn't meet my eyes and was focusing on the desk instead and I turn my head away to look back at my dad for answers. It's then I realize that Jack was still speaking.
"The matter was first brought to our attention by your father. He came to me and expressed some concerns after his time with you on visiting day. Which is where he also encountered Tobias Eaton, who is now known as Four. He informed me of the events that happened shortly before the young Eaton's transfer and although his concerns were alarming, it wasn't enough to warrant an investigation…"
"Of course it wasn't," I mutter angrily. I'm over my shock enough to register what was being said and not liking it any better than when it happened all those years ago. I caught my father's look of shame and hurt and that was enough to make me shut down my anger in case he thought it was directed at him.
Jack, thankfully, went on as if I never interrupted him. "However, Andrew had already known that nothing could come of those concerns…or better yet…strong suspicions…not without evidence. Which he knew he wouldn't likely get. But it was enough to have him questioning other suspicious activities that did have enough evidence he could present so that when combined together, it led to a full investigation."
"It was also what led us to believe it was necessary to investigate any other cases of abuse that might have happened." Zach finally speaks up, looking at me and trying to convey something. Telling me without words that he hadn't betrayed me but that events happened where it was revealed in some other way. "At first, the evidence really only indicated an abuse of power. It wasn't until information from interviews with the factionless who indicated that Marcus Eaton had a direct hand in the abuse of other individuals. One of the suspects expressed personal knowledge of no fewer than five incidents where they were instructed by either Marcus himself or someone working for him to harass a specific dependent. You were that named dependent, Kat. The second one, interviewed by Jack himself just last night, corroborated the first one's claims. That makes two people that have had your name and that were instructed by Marcus himself to inflict harm on you as well as anyone with you."
By the end, Zach is working very hard to contain his anger and his poor stapler bore the brunt of it by the sound if it crunching in the hand he has it gripped in. He looks at me, trying to soften the rage but only managing to look hurt. Because I hadn't told him any of that. I may have hinted that Marcus liked to make my life hell, but I never said how far he truly went.
"Kat," Dad speaks up from beside me, his tone gentle and pleading in just that one word. "We need to know everything you know about Marcus." His tone isn't as forceful and abrupt as it would be from someone like Eric, but the command is still there.
I look around the room to the other men, and I can tell from their expression I won't be leaving this room without giving them the answers they came here for.
It isn't really my dad sitting across from me, this is Alderman Prior. He might be thought of as just the right hand man to Marcus Eaton, but he's the person others turn to in that faction to get real work done. As for Zach, that's not my friend sitting behind the desk right now, Judge Advocate Godfrey. He is the one our faction turns to when justice needs to be carried out on one of own. He's our voice when we need to make sure the other factions let us do our jobs and bring justice to anyone outside of our faction. Both men have a duty to perform, regardless of our relationships.
And Jack Kang? I wouldn't put it past him to use truth serum to get what he came here for.
I'm not willing to test whether or not I am resistant to that particular serum. I close my eyes and take a deep breath then let it out slowly. When I think I've calmed myself enough to be able to talk, I open my eyes and nod in agreement.
"I will…I just don't know where to start." I say it to the room but I'm looking directly at Zach, hoping for some guidance but I already know and his pointed look just confirms it for me.
"Okay then," I take another deep breath and raise my chin. "I thought for the longest time it began when I confronted him about the vote that took place to pull Dauntless from both the Abnegation and Factionless sectors after I got shot. Until that day, when I argued with him about it, I hadn't ever spoken to the man. But I knew how he could be when someone talked back to him, how he found ways to punish those people without lifting a hand. Even then I saw he could be cold and cruel, I just didn't know how bad he really was. I found that out later, about the same time I also found out that the day the factionless attacked my sister and I was all set up by Marcus. He had been trying to get Dauntless out of his territory for a long time, and there had been several hold outs that eventually voted his way. The only one who hadn't, who he couldn't persuade or charm into voting his way, was Andrew Prior. My dad. So he resorted to using what he knew would be the thing that would absolutely crush my father, the injury…or even death…of one or both of his children."