Chapter 74 - Panic Room

'Hell raising, hair raising

I'm ready for the worst

So frightening, face whitening

Fear that you can't reverse'

[Au/ra; Panic Room]

Kat

The door closes behind Zach as he and Jack Kang leave his office so they can go meet with Max and let him know about the leads and evidence my questioning has given their investigation.

I agreed to testify against Marcus for everything he's done to me and that means certain procedures need to be done to make it all by the book. For that they need to consult with Max immediately.

Their departure leaves me alone with my dad, which I deeply appreciate. I was able to stay strong and not break down as I recounted all of my experiences with Marcus and the factionless...but it was very hard. Especially when I saw the haunted look growing in my father's eyes. By the time the three men had asked all the questions they could think of, my dad looked like a broken man who was convinced he had failed the most important duty a man can have...that of protecting his family.

With the others gone I felt free to comfort him like I had been longing to do for the better part of two hours. He got to me first, pulling me into his arms and holding me tightly. Something about being held by him broke the wall inside of me open and the tears I kept at bay released from me in a flood. He didn't speak, he just held me while running a hand over my hair and back just like he did when I was a child. I let myself absorb it all, the comfort and the safety being in my dad's embrace had always given me when I was hurt or scared. There's no doubt that I am hurting, and scared…but I'm also wounded. And whether I had wanted to admit it or not, some of those wounds were from my dad.

But being here now with him, having him listen to me, to know that he not only believed me but was determined to make things right and fight for me, I think it's going to help me really start to heal those wounds.

After a time, when my sobs have become softer and fewer, he releases me enough to look me in the eyes again.

"I can't take back what's happened. I can't change the pain I caused you to go through…."

"Don't say that." I grab his arms and shake my head, denying what he's about to say. "This didn't happen because you failed me. No one would ever think someone in our faction would be capable of those things. Certainly not him. He's the leader of our faction, the head of our church. Even now…they happened to me…and I can hardly believe it myself sometimes."

He takes a deep breath and nods. "We're going to stop him, Kat. He won't get away with what he's done to you or continue to be free to prey on anyone else." Then he pauses and looks at me intently. "But we need to be careful. I need you and your sister to be careful. I know you can't leave the compound until after initiation, but I don't know how long this will take. So it might be wise to limit going out even after you become members, at least on your own. We don't know exactly how far his reach is, but with the scope of things I know he at least has contacts in Candor and Erudite. I'm not sure about Dauntless but we don't want to take any unnecessary risks."

Thoughts of the attack during capture and the dorm flood my mind, but I know better than to bring those up. I didn't want to add to his worries. It was also occurring to me for the first time that they could be connected to Marcus.

A knock sounds at the door and Zach pokes his head back in to look at us. "Max would like a few words with both you and Jack before you have to leave, Andrew."

Dad nods, "I'll be there in a moment."

Zach nods in return and looks at me with understanding eyes as my father and I turn to say our goodbyes.

"I wish I could give you a message from me to your sister, and that I don't have to give you the reminder that you can't tell her about this investigation, but for now it's necessary. Just know that your mother and I love you both so very much, and immensely proud of the both of you."

There's another light knock, a reminder from Zach that cuts into any more time together besides another hug and then he leaves.

Instead of going with him Zach steps into the office looking tense. "Max wants to have a few words with you too, Kat, but we're giving the others time to discuss a few things."

I blink at him, stunned and more than a little unnerved. "Why does he want to talk to me?"

"He needs to make sure you understand what to expect next. It's his duty as senior leader in the course of an investigation this high of magnitude. There are complications to consider, because of your technical limbo status. You're still technically a dependent until you make member status, and by law any dependents that are being used as a witness in an investigation have a representative from their faction assigned to them."

"But because I'm still an initiate and a transfer at that, I'm basically even more in limbo." I state and he nods with a small grin, pleased I was able to understand.

"Exactly. So we could go with Dauntless or Abnegation…but there are difficulties with both of those options. We can't let anyone in either faction know what's going on who doesn't already know due to its classified nature, and the options we do have that are in the know have a conflict of interest when it comes to you and this investigation."

I nod again, distractedly and in thought as I chew my bottom lip. "I guess the only option from Abnegation would be dad and he can't for obvious reasons. But…" I trail off and Zach provides the answer for me.

"Eric would be the option from Dauntless leadership that are in the know, apart from Max who can't for other reasons. I don't think I need to say why that isn't a good idea either. So, there was a suggestion made that we bring Raze into things so he can be your appointed representative. Which Eric isn't going to like but he has no say in the matter really. It's up to Max, Jack and Andrew and has to be agreed on by all three before that happens."

Before I have time to feel anything about my sudden reminder that Eric would need to be told everything I just revealed today, Zach's phone buzzes and he promptly leads me out of his office and to see what awaits me in Max's.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

I'm still reeling as Zach escorts me to the training room for my required presence during the ranking reveal. I'm late, but part of his presence is to inform them it was due to a leadership required medical check up after the events with capture.

I wish I could take the time to process everything that's happened, the things revealed, what I've learned as well as other things that have happened that have left me wondering and worried. But I don't have time for any of it because this emotional freight train continues to barrel on and takes another turn for the worst.

The board with the rankings has already been revealed and everyone is gathered in groups around it but they don't seem to be focused on it at the moment. The air is thick with tension and murmuring, as the focus appears to be on a smaller circle of people that includes Al, Will, Christina and my sister. They are partially ringed in by Molly and her usual entourage. But for once, she's not the person standing front and center, it's Allison who has really only recently joined their ranks.

She had been saying something when I walked in, but I had been too far away to catch what she was saying. However, I could clearly see that whatever she was saying was causing the others to become agitated and look in my sister's direction.

I move forward, trying to walk as quickly as possible but I'm too late to find out whatever it was Allison said to have the others eyeing Tris suspiciously. When Molly and her minions see me, they make to leave, with all of them smirking evilly as they pass.

I turn and watch them, wanting to go after them because I know whatever they pulled was blatantly aimed at Tris. Zach, who's still with me, saw my debate and silently warned me away by shaking his head. With a sigh of frustration I turn back so I can continue making my way to my sister and friends.

But it's clear by the time I get closer I missed something else that happened, as I watch Christina storm past me with Will and Al close behind her. She sneers at me before tossing her head as if snubbing me when she passes, the other two avoid looking at me as they pick up their steps.

They leave my sister behind, standing alone looking to be fighting back tears. I rush to go to her but pull up short when she glares at me. "I can't do this right now, Kat. I can't hear you say that you told me so." She whispers brokenly, and I can tell she's desperately holding back the tears.

I open my mouth to try and tell her I don't know what just happened but I would never say that to her no matter what it was that did happen. But I don't get the chance, because she dashes out of the training room before I can even get my wits about me to respond at all.

"What the fuck is going on right now?" I ask, to no one in particular and feel like I'm on a train ride that's definitely gone off the rails.

"Molly's group started shit when they saw Tris got the first rank, but they left Allison to do the talking." Uri growls out, anger pouring off of him. Mar has an arm around his waist, and I can tell she's been holding him back.

"That tells me nothing I didn't already know." I snarl out, scanning the room for someone to let my anger out on since I don't want to do that to my friends. I briefly look at the board, confirming with my own eyes my sister's rank and only barely registering my name in third place. "And what the hell was with the other three?"

"They believed the bullshit." Lynn grunts out angrily too. "They're close to the bottom ranks right along with Molly and her group. They're angry and scared and want someone to blame. Allison saw that, and used it to target the only person she felt safe targeting."

"Tris," I finish for her in a sigh as exhaustion floods me. I'm still angry, livid actually, and guilt-filled, scared, and so many things. But mainly…right now. I'm so fucking exhausted.

Zach comes up behind me, as if he senses this and that I'm close to folding. "I let the instructors know you were late because of the required check-up at the clinic and that after you saw your ranking you needed to go back to get your meds adjusted."

"But…Tris.." I start to protest, but one look warned me not to, that he knows I'm struggling and is giving me an excuse.

"It's okay, Kat. You need to get that taken care of." Uri tells me, his anger gone as he looks at me worriedly. All my friends are, even Lynn. Worse there are looks of determination in their eyes, telling me that I have no chance of going off to find my sister myself. "We'll go find, Tris, and I have an idea of what we can do to take her mind off those assholes that call themselves her friends." He assures me with a gleam in his eyes then he looks at Mar and Lynn.

The girls nod with smiles of silent agreement, not even asking what he has planned, just knowing something needed to be done for my sister.

"Thanks guys," I whisper softly, trying desperately to keep the mess that I am from breaking loose. I open my arms wide.

It's telling how affected my friends are with their own shit going on, as well as worrying about each other because the first person to make it to me is Lynn, almost tied with Uri and Mar just a hair's breadth behind them. It's not a happy hug either but it is so very comforting, and I have to pull away before I do finally break down. They understand and say quick goodbyes then race off to find my sister.

"Alright, princess…time to go to the clinic." Zach declares loudly, ushering me out of the training room quickly. I go along with no argument, why wouldn't I when I know that he was just saying that to make a believable excuse?

What I failed to realize in my current state is that my older friend wasn't just making an excuse, he really planned on taking me there all along.

I splutter and protest, but the train barrels on.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

This hellish day catches up to me in my dreams, my nightmares. Between the fear sims, resurfacing memories and everything that's happened in a short amount of time…my damn mind has so much material it's ridiculous…and it seems determined to go through it all tonight.

I can't sleep.

Every noise I hear, no matter how small, causes me to panic. The darkness is full of shadows flickering in the faint light coming from the bathroom area. I know part of my panic is due to the dreams where my friends and family were in danger or being hurt. When I first woke up I almost freaked out when I looked for Tris and saw her bed empty.

It took me a while to remember that I had run into Four when I got dragged off to the dining hall for dinner. He was leaving with two boxes of food in his hands and tried to slip away from me…but I cornered him demanding to know where my sister was, to which he told me she was with him and would be staying the night most likely.

I was so relieved that she was with him at his apartment, and was at least well enough to eat that I forgot to demand any of the answers from him I had planned on getting. It hardly seemed important at the time either.

Knowing she was safe, that despite all his flaws Four wouldn't let anything happen to her, didn't really help my panic. I need to see for myself that she and all my other friends are okay. I need to know my parents are safe.

My parents.

At this very moment they're sleeping just steps away from the worst kind of viper there could be. A monster that could strike at any moment and who I know won't hesitate to do just that if he gets wind of what my father is up to.

I can even imagine all too well how it would play out. It would go exactly how I know for a fact it has in the past. Marcus delighted in telling me just how he could make it happen, because he's done it before.

It would look like a random attack of the factionless. An act of desperation as the impending winter starts to loom closer and they begin their scramble to gather things just to help them survive.

They won't even blame the factionless, much less try to find out who did it to punish them. It wouldn't be the selfless thing to seek vengeance, the elders would preach. Besides, who could blame them for our own failings in being able to give more? It would be a time for even more compassion and giving to those who needed it much more than them, they would counsel.

The faction would mourn and lament the loss of such giving people for a short time, but not too long, because that would be selfish. Then it would be business as usual. No one would suspect that the person who ordered the attacks is the same man who gave the sermon the day of their burial.

That's just one of the things haunting me in sleep and when I'm awake. Then there's my dad's parting words in Zach's office.

'We don't know exactly how far his reach is…'

They might not know…and admittedly I don't know for certain either…but I've always had my suspicions. He always seemed to know when Erudite was going to be up to something, ready with a way to counter it or minimize their influence in his domain. And it seemed there was always someone from Candor to help smooth things over when things went wrong.

That vote to get Dauntless out of the Abnegation sector didn't just come down to a vote within that faction, it took the help of Candor arguing that it was a faction's choice whether or not any other faction could be allowed a presence in their sector.

So…I had known his reach was far enough that it involved at least three of the five factions…I just hadn't considered Dauntless could possibly be one he would target. Which is just stupid now that I think about it.

Now…it's all I can think about.

The shadows are deeper, the noises louder…and they both seem seconds from dragging me into the darkness with them.

I've never needed Eric more than right this second…but I knew that's exactly why I wouldn't go to him. I needed to face this battle on my own or I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror come morning.

Something that felt like it would never come again.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

"You look like crap, Kat." Four blurts out, sounding alarmed once he catches sight of me shuffling into the sim room behind Chase.

I glare at him, well aware that I currently have the appearance of the walking dead. I've been told so repeatedly by everyone in one manner or another.

Eric's version of telling me how awful I look was to immediately cancel our morning training, forbid me from having more than one cup of coffee and send me to Zach's to get as much sleep as I could before I had to report for my real morning training.

I hadn't even been able to muster more than a snippy protest that I didn't want to cancel just because of not getting enough sleep. But he admitted he had to cancel because he would be out of the compound most of the day.

Which is why Chase is currently working with Four in one room, while Zeke and Lauren are in the other room together.

I plop into the chair and let out a sigh full of frustration and impatience. "Yeah, well…I don't imagine you would look any better after being tortured for weeks on end by your worst fears. Not to mention being given a serum that I'm pretty freaking sure was designed specifically to make them worse than they ever have been for anyone before."

He frowns and mumbles an apology low enough for me to hear but not Chase.

"Whatever." I mutter under my breath. "Let's just get this over with." I announce a little more loudly.

They begin to prepare me. Which takes a bit longer now that I have to wear the restraints on my wrists and legs. So Four takes care of those while Chase attaches the nodes to my head and picks up the injector with the serum.

A wave of the panic I've been plagued with since last night hits me and once again I find myself needing Eric's presence. I got through the night with a death grip on the frame of my bed and my teeth gritted together to prevent me from screaming. I do the same now, but instead of the bed frame to hold I fist the material of my leggings while gritting my teeth.

"You know how it works, sweetheart," Chase murmurs soothingly. "It'll start out with the fears you've already faced before and gotten past. But the system won't give them to you in the same order now that you have enough to be randomized." He warns me, having to act like I haven't been warned before now for Four's benefit.

I don't, however, have to act in how I react to this news. It hits me even harder than it did the first time when I was in a much better state of mind.

I chuckle darkly as Chase presses the injector to my neck. I feel the sting of the prongs as they pierce my flesh and the burn of the serum. It feels like acid in my veins each and every time.

The wave of panic gets bigger, washing over me and pulling me under.

My chuckle turns into a hysterical laugh. Because I have this pervading sense of irony, that this will be the thing that kills me. Not Marcus and the punishments he personally inflicted on me. Not the factionless and those attacks done on his orders.

Not any of the things or people that have tried to break me, but my own goddamn mind.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

It starts out about as rough as I expected it to.

That wave of darkness turned into a simulated reality when the first fear I was put in was the one of me in what has to be the middle of an angry ocean. I kept being pulled under, the waters seeming to be more turbulent than ever before. I would barely break the surface before a wave would crash against me and pull me down.

It happened for what felt like the millionth time when something changed when I was once again plunged deep into the dark water, slowly being sucked down. Without being able to take calming breaths, with the darkness swallowing me up…with nothing and no one there for me to turn to I was left with only my own mind.

A mind full of dark thoughts and despair. I was so close to giving into it. So close to letting it draw me down into the depths, to end all this pain I'm feeling.

'They'll all be much better off without me to drag them down..' Is the thought floating in my mind, like poisonous fog clouding everything, luring me further down a very dark path.

Then something in me wakes up.

Instead of giving into that, feeding into the darkness, I feel anger starting to build in me. I start to think a little more clearly.

My absence wouldn't make all those things I fear could happen to the others just go away. Marcus and the factionless…Jeannine and Erudite…they would still be a threat with or without me.

But with me…I could help to stop them. I could watch their backs. I might not be able to do it all on my own like I once so naively believed, but I don't need to either. Not any more. I know now there are others that can help me…that we can help each other.

That's when I hear Eric.

Not literally, but faintly in the back of my mind. It starts with his words during our first sessions together, when he was pushing me so I could learn to control myself, to keep my head and think things through.

And I know how I can get through this fear, not just beat it by slowing my heart rate and breathing, but actually get through it.

Kicking my way up I prepare to break the surface one more time. I know I'll be tossed back under again, but it will be enough time to take in the biggest breath I can while also gauging the direction the waters are rushing too.

When I've done both and am pulled back under, I swim in the direction I felt the water being pulled, because now I know it was being pulled to shore. I swim under the crashing waves in the dark, not letting it scare me or hold me back.

It works and soon I'm crawling my way out of the water. When I broke the surface to get air the shore had been made up of mostly jagged rocks and cliffs. So it's surprising to me that what is beneath me feels more like flat concrete.

I open my eyes and have to stifle a groan when I see the place that's become the bane of my existence where once it had been my refuge. The warehouse is quiet at the moment and I take advantage of that.

So while I'm still laying there I close my eyes and work on my breathing and heart rate. I can hear the movement around me, letting me know that damn clown is near but I don't give into the fear it normally causes. I might be cheating a little, refusing to open my eyes, but I don't care. I'm not going to let it get to me this time.

It goes eerily quiet and when I open my eyes, the clown is nowhere to be found. I sit up in confusion, looking around me with slightly wild eyes. Then something shoots out of the darkness and wraps around my neck, jerking me back and down. I raise my hands to claw at the strangling hold it has on me but another one shoots out, this time for my hands and then those too are bound. My legs are the only remaining limb but those get bound as well.

It's alarming enough that I almost start to panic, thinking that I changed the clown fear in some way and now I'm going to have to be tied down while dealing with it. The seconds that I wait for that to happen feel like centuries, but it never does. I relax into the bindings, instead of fighting against them, then close my eyes and breathe in and out slowly.

Once again, the surface I'm laying on changes. This time it's softer with a bit more give and the texture under my skin reminds me of the thin scratchy wool of the dorm blankets.

Hesitantly, I open my eyes to see what new fear I'll be facing. That's about the time I feel a wet cloth being clamped over my nose and mouth and leering faces hovering over mine.

I try to scream as I realize what's happening, trying to call for help while at the same time remind myself this isn't real. Then everything goes hazy and black around the edges.

I don't know how long it is before I come to, but I realize by the pain in my sides and back that the men who grabbed me from my bed didn't wait for me to be conscious before starting in on me.

"Look who's finally decided to join the party." Marcus' snide words have me gasping in shock and searching the area around me. I'm on the ground with my family's home not too far away from me in the background.

A broken sob coming from the direction where Marcus spoke catches my attention, but it's hard because my mind feels fuzzy. Something about that sob feels wrong, out of place. I crane my neck around while trying to struggle free from the person holding me down.

I'm able to break free just enough to see Marcus with a malice filled smile.

"You thought you could get away from me? That I wouldn't find you? Haven't I shown you how powerful I am, that nowhere you go is safe? I warned you what would happen, Mary Katherine. But you didn't listen…you never did. Her blood is on your hands." He sneered at me, using his hand to gesture to something at his feet.

That's when I realized the small figure curled up at his feet and sobbing brokenly is…

"Tris!" I scream…

***** Worth Fighting For *****

When I'm yanked out of the fear sim I still have the scent of my sister's blood in my nose. I can still taste my own as if it's still coating my split lips and dripping from my bloody nose. Logically, I know I don't have a busted lip or a bloody nose. I know the pain in my body from being punched and kicked isn't real because none of that ever happened.

It was just a simulation…but I knew that it was more than that. It was a memory that the serum took and mutated to include my sister this time. In fact, it was exactly like the dream I had been plagued with all through the night.

I was stunned at first, too stunned to even think of focusing or breathing. I was too caught up in the horror and disbelief. Part of my mind knowing that it wasn't really happening but at the same time not being able to tell the difference.

It felt so fucking real. It matched everything that had actually happened so well I couldn't tell the difference between what was being added by the simulation and what was really my memories. It took Tris calling out for me, weakly asking me to help before I could pull myself together.

When I did I started to fight back…and that's when they yanked me from the simulation.

Before when I was being pulled out, I didn't know I wasn't in it anymore which is why I came out fighting. This time, I know I've been pulled out, but that doesn't stop me from launching myself into the fight as soon as I'm released from the restraints.

I also know who I am attacking and why.

All the times before, I hadn't been able to understand why it was only Tobias I went after, but now I know.

He doesn't even try and stop me when I launch myself at him. He just lets me take him to the ground, slapping and kicking at him with tears running down my face as I scream my rage out at him. As I let him know how much I blame him for turning away and ignoring me. For abandoning me.

Both of us forgot there was another person in the room, and it isn't until Chase's strong arms wrap around me and pull me off Four that I stop.

He holds me as I continue to break, going further and further into my pain. Reliving memories I've tried to bury for so long. Letting myself feel the things I've refused to allow myself to feel. I hadn't let myself really be angry at Four for leaving me like he did because I understood why.

I could get over that hurt I had for what he did to me. But what he almost allowed to happen to my sister, what he was pushing her to do…that I don't know that I can ever forgive.

"He said he would leave you alone if I lied." Four starts speaking, his words coming out in a ragged hush at first. "He told me that if I acted exactly as he told me to act and said what he told me to say, then he wouldn't punish you. That the humiliation he knew would happen by me lying would be enough. That the elder's punishment for your transgressions would be enough."

Chase is no longer holding me back from going after Four again, more just supporting and comforting me in his arms. I turn in them now to look at my once best friend and find the eyes of a broken haunted young man.

He hadn't tried to do more than to slump against the wall, but now grunts, pushing himself up to stand but still unable to move away from the wall and continues an explanation that is long overdue for me.

"But if I didn't, he said, if I gave any hint that what either of us was saying wasn't the absolute truth, then you wouldn't live out the night and that he wouldn't stop there either. He would hurt your family too. I knew he would do it, I saw it in his eyes. So I did what he said, even though I knew he was still going to make your life hell in other ways. But I promise you, Katie, that I did it knowing that at least you would be safe. That he wouldn't go that far physically with someone who he didn't have absolute control over…like he did with me. I did it because I could live with losing your friendship…but I could never have lived with something happening to you."

By the time he's done explaining, he's not even looking at me anymore. He's looking at the wall and has his fists clenched tightly into balls. I take a shallow and shaky breath before looking at Chase meaningfully.

He frowns but lets me slide out of his arms and take a few steps away. I take that time to try and gather myself, what I'm thinking or feeling to be able to respond and all I can think of or focus on is what he almost did to Tris.

"You know…if you had told me this yourself at any point, I could have forgiven you. I would have forgiven you…because in some ways I already knew that's what he did." He looks over at me at my words, a flash of hope in his eyes before he sees the hard glare I'm giving him "I've had years to know how Marcus Eaton operates…but so did you. And the thing that hurts the most…the thing that I will never be able to forgive you for…is that you for a second thought it would be better for my sister to be anywhere near that monster for the rest of her life." I seethed out angrily, making his eyes widen and him flinch as I move, not towards him but slowly away. Away from either of the men in the room that holds so much pain for me I can't stand to be in here for one more second than I have to.

I scoff at him "Did you really think I didn't know that's what you were doing. Did you really think that…our mutual friend in the factionless wouldn't tell me what you told her you wanted my sister to do? I've worked everyday for years to protect my family. To make sure they never suspected anything because even thinking they might know anything would have made sure Marcus took them out. I played a role for seven years, took all his punishments and scorn with the hope that doing that would keep his attention off my sister. I condemned myself to hell, because I had the smallest light at the end of the tunnel that she would be leaving Abnegation with me. That with both of us gone, there would be no more danger to our parents either."

I suck in a ragged breath after getting that out, like ripping off a band aid. "I don't give a fuck why you did what you did to me anymore...Tobias!" I almost yelled out. "But you thinking my sister would be safer there with him than here, no matter whatever messed up delusions you have about this faction, is something I will never forgive you for."

I don't wait for either him or Chase to say or do anything. I turn and bolt from the room. I have the door ripped open and run out of it before either man can react.

My feet carry me through dark and winding paths that I have come to know how to move along without even a second thought. My heart is beating wildly but the closer I get to my destination the more it starts to calm down.

I'm finally giving in to the panic that's been hounding me, to the need that's been clawing inside of me. I am finally going to Eric.

He's not there to greet me when I use the code to get in, but I knew he wouldn't be. It's okay though, because the second I step inside I breathe in deep and he surrounds me. And even though it helps…it's not enough…not what I really came here for.

I don't bother turning on any of the lights as I make my way to the bedroom. I don't need to. Besides, there's enough light peeking though black curtained windows in the living room if I needed any. The same for the bedroom.

I toe off my tennis shoes, rip off my light workout jacket, then clamber onto the bed. Once I'm in the middle of it, I burrow under the covers.

His scent envelopes me immediately and I breathe it in with shuddering sobs as I begin to let my tears out. I don't bother to try and stop them, or fight them, I couldn't even if I wanted to try. I just give in to them until I cry so hard and for so long, I fall into an exhausted sleep.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

"I don't think she's still here, Chase. It's too dark."

"She's here, Zach. Eric gave Kat her own code, so if she were ever here and we weren't then we would be alerted. She used it to get in but never left. You would know this if you hadn't forgotten your damn phone in Candor last night."

I groggily blink awake, aware of the slightly muffled sounds of conversation and movement in the outer rooms.

I barely have time to register more than that before the door is pushing open and someone calls out to me.

"Sweetheart," Chase calls out in the darkness of the room as his shadow moves closer to the bed.

"Chase," I return the greeting in a broken hush, my throat swollen and dry from my crying session.

"I'm going to turn on the light now, sweetheart. Okay?" His voice is coming closer to me now. I feel more than see him leaning in as he flicks the light on.

I quickly hide my eyes and groan when even hiding my eyes a little doesn't lessen how the glare hurts my tear swollen eyes. I feel the bed bed dip behind me but don't need to turn to know it's Zach. The scent of his aftershave and the touch of his hand on my back let me know.

He gently rubs my back, coaxing me to turn and talk to them as much as he's trying to comfort me. I turn and sit up on the bed then pull my legs up against my chest.

I take a deep breath and then shakily ask Chase, "Did I hurt him badly?"

"You're still worried about him even after all that?" He asks me, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I reply simply and with a shrug.

"I figured you would be," He mutters and then sighs heavily. "You busted his lip and gave him a few bruises then I added a few of my own. Otherwise he's okay. He didn't even need to go to the clinic and was able to finish doing the fear sims before he sulked his way out of the door."

I nod, somewhat in relief and a tinge of regret that I reacted so physically towards him, especially since he didn't make any attempt to defend himself.

I turn to look at Zach, who still hasn't spoken and now has his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

"Did he tell you what was in my simulation?" I softly ask him.

"Yeah, princess. Everyone that is in on the investigation has been updated on this development and will be viewing it as well." His eyes fill with understanding when I tense up at his words. "We were able to talk Max into not revealing all the details of what happened to Eric right away. This will give you time to tell him yourself…but I wouldn't count on having more than tonight to do it."

"He knows something happened though and he's going to want to know what when he gets back." Chase warns me.

"Who all knows about the investigation?" I ask with a frown. "I obviously already know about Max, Eric, Raze, you two, Jack and my dad…but who else will know about the investigation or my part in it?"

"The only other people that know are Jack Kang's assistant and Zeke." Chase informs me, taking a seat at the end of the bed and facing me and Zach at the head of the bed.

"Zeke?" I ask in alarm, unsure what or how to feel about that.

"He doesn't know everything when it comes to your part in it, but he knows there is evidence to suggest you were mistreated in some way by Marcus. He was one of the people that helped Eric and Chase to bring in a couple of witnesses. One of them mentioned your name but he wasn't there for the actual questioning." Zach informs me.

I bury my head in my hands groaning. Feeling pain, both physical and emotional and unable to think about how to deal with Zeke knowing or how to talk to Eric about everything. Something I voice without really meaning to.

"Can you answer a question for me, Kat?" Chase asks me with an intense determination in his eyes. I nod and he continues. "What if the positions were reversed and you were in Eric's place? What if you were the one that was trying to open up, but the person you were trying to let in won't do the same for you? How would that make you feel?"

Pain lances through me when the truth of his words, what I've been doing to Eric, hits me. I know exactly how I would feel.

I would feel like I was being rejected. I would hate knowing that the person I care for is hurting and the only thing I could do is to be there for them, to listen to them. And that wasn't good enough.

Chase nods when I tell him that and even though I know he's not trying to hurt me, it definitely does when I fully realize how much I've been hurting Eric.

I start to cry again, not as hard or as bad as I was before but it doesn't help my swollen eyes, runny nose and the throbbing pain in my head. Zach goes into caretaker mode when he picks up on all that. It seems like in no time at all he's gone and back with a warm washcloth for my face, meds for the pain, and a cup of my favorite tea just because he knows I like it.

I sit in between him and Chase sipping on my tea and feeling wrung out. They seem to realize I'm not up for talking, so they keep the conversation between themselves. Murmuring softly about what Zach has been up to at Candor. Soon the exhaustion sets in and I drift off to sleep with my head on Chase's shoulder.

When I wake up I'm laying down and the others are gone, but Eric is here. He's on his side laying down and leaning over me, propped up on an elbow while using his free hand to stroke my cheek.

"Hey," I greet him with a sigh and lean into his touch.

"Hey," He replies back, while there's a hint of a smile on his lips, his brow is furrowed.

"You okay?" I breathe out, reaching out to soothe it away.

He doesn't respond, instead he just raises an eyebrow at me then shakes his head and sighs before leaning in to kiss me.

It's brief, just a simple pressing of his lips on mine before he pulls back and presses his forehead to mine. He's tense and it feels like he's trying to calm himself as he takes in one breath and slowly lets it out.

"I know I shouldn't have come here…that we need to be careful…" I stumble over my words since my mind is still not working as well as it should be.

He silences me with his thumb over my lips as he cradles my face in his hand. "I meant it when I told you that if you ever needed somewhere to feel safe that you could come to me, Kat." He tells me, and I know he's being sincere.

I can also tell there's a slight strain in his tone and around his eyes. I'm sure neither Zach or Chase told him what exactly was in the sim, but it's obvious he at least knows it's relevant to the investigation into Marcus. Which makes the pain I felt earlier, knowing how much I've been hurting him with silence and evasions, lance even deeper inside of me.

It's beyond time to open up to him.

"Last night…I wanted to come to you so bad…needed it…but I wouldn't let myself. I told myself I had to do it on my own, that I wouldn't be able to face myself in the morning if I couldn't last one night without running to you. But then the morning came, and it didn't make me feel any better that I did it…I felt worse. So much worse…especially when you told me you wouldn't be there for the sims. I…" My voice breaks and I trail off when I see he's scowling.

Then he wraps me in his arms, holding me against him tightly. "I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me, kitten."

I let him hold me like that for a few long, very much needed minutes. I bury my face in his chest and just soak him in before I feel up to talking again.

"You were there for me, Eric." I mumble, which makes it harder for him to hear when I am already muffled by speaking into his chest.

"What?" He asks, releasing me enough so I can tilt my head back and look at him.

"You were there for me." I repeat, blushing a little, then taking a breath and carrying on. "It started out rough for me in there this morning. I wasn't in the right state of mind and I couldn't even try to focus at all. I was literally drowning in my first sim and I didn't think I was going to make it through." I stop and take another shaky breath before I tell him what was actually going on in my mind. "I didn't know if I wanted to make it through."

It hurt him to hear that. I could tell the way his face scrunched up slightly and the air left him in a slight whoosh before his instincts kicked in and his expression went blank. I carried on, hoping this next part would help him, like it helped me at the time. Like he had helped me without even knowing he had.

"Then I heard you, like in the back of my mind or something. I remember feeling angry that I let myself even think of giving up but I couldn't seem to think clearly enough to know what to do next. And there you were, talking me through it just like you did when we first started training together. Even at the end…before…" I trail off and look at him, my eyes shining with tears. "When I came out of it...all I could think about was you. I knew you weren't in the compound but just being here, laying in your bed, helped me."

"Fuck…" Eric mutters, but it's strange sounding. Not really a curse but almost awed in nature. He follows that up with his lips brushing mine. Once, then twice before finally taking the kiss he wants. His body hovers slightly over mine after he lowered me onto my back on the bed.

Our kissing turns from gentle small kisses with him nuzzling my neck here and there before returning back to my mouth. It starts to pick up in speed and need…turning into more hungry desire filled kisses.

Then a rumbling sound fills the silence of the bedroom and it takes me a second to realize that's coming from me and my stomach.

Eric pulls back with a chuckle and smiles at my mortified blush. "Well, Zach did say you barely ate breakfast and missed lunch altogether. It's just past dinner time…so I'm not surprised you're hungry, kitten."

My eyes widen and move over to the window to see it is definitely dark outside of it. "Oh crap…I need to get back to the dorm!" I yelp and struggle to get up.

"No, you're not going back there tonight." He informs me while pressing me back into the bed.

"Eric…" I protest but he doesn't let me finish before he interrupts.

"It's on Max's orders, Kat. So even if you did leave here it would be to just go straight to the clinic. What happened in your sim wasn't just a normal fear simulation. It was a memory."

I flinch at his tone, which has become edged with anger that he's gone back to try to reign in.

"I know." I swallow and agree.

His jaw clenches a little and he continues on explaining. "Memories have surfaced during fear simulations before though it's rare. It's policy that anyone this happens to is to be observed for a period of time in the clinic because the feeling of being stuck in the sim can linger for several hours afterwards."

"That's why I still feel like this?" I ask tremulously.

He nods, his jaw still clenched. "Between the new serum, your divergence and the…" Here he stops and hisses out a breath while closing his eyes for a brief second, "The violence of the memory, Zach came to the conclusion it was much worse for you." He looks at my reaction to his words and almost sneers out, "Don't worry...they wouldn't tell me more than that."

I flinch again when he jerks away and off of me so that he's sitting at the edge of the bed with his back to me and his head in his hands.

I slowly sit up, sitting there thinking for a second before I move until I'm kneeling behind him. I hesitantly reach out and touch his back. He tenses for a second, then lets out a sigh and leans back towards me. I press against him, my arms wrapping around his waist and laying my head on his back.

"They gave me a choice, Eric. Zach and Chase told me they could let you watch it before you came home, and we could talk about it then…or I could just tell you about it myself. But they warned me that regardless, by tomorrow you would know one way or the other. I admit that at first I thought about having you watch it…but I couldn't do that. You deserve better than that, you deserve being able to hear it from me."

He doesn't say anything for a few minutes, just covers my hands with his and gives them a gentle squeeze before removing them from his waist. He stands up and I frown at him worriedly, thinking maybe it's too late, that I held out too long and hurt him too badly.

Then he turns to face me, takes my hands back in his and gently tugs me towards him. I go, still unsure of what's going on because he still hasn't spoken a word. He leads me the short distance to his bathroom and stops outside of the door then pushes it open.

"I was able to pick up more of the body wash you like. You were running low on that. Zach told me you would need your evening medications and those are laid out in the bathroom. Why don't you take a shower while I get dinner started for us." He tells me, gesturing at the counter where the meds are laid out for me, as well as my favorite pair of sleeping clothes. He included a pair of knee high socks in the most soft and fuzzy material ever with a black and gray polka dot pattern on them. They're like the pair I wore the night we had sex the first time. He acted like he hated them at the time but since then more and more have been added to my sock drawer.

I bite my lower lip taking this all in before looking up at him. "But…what about talking?"

He steps closer, drawing me into him with a sigh. "We'll get to that, kitten. But we both need to eat. So, I'll make us something while you take a shower and then we'll eat. After that we can talk. Okay?"

"M'kay," I softly agree. Truthfully, my head and body are still hurting though I won't admit just how much to Eric, so the meds sound good. So does maybe sitting in the steamy shower for a bit if there's time.

"Take your time," Eric mumbles as if he was reading my mind.

I can't help but smile and laugh, remembering the last time we were in almost this exact position. "Are you sure Dauntless' hot water supply could handle that?"

He pulls back and shrugs with his lips twisting into a smile. "I'm sure I don't really fucking care." Then tilts my chin up and leans in until his lips are just barely above mine. "If my girl wants to use all the hot water in the city, then she is going to get to do just that." He purrs out before kissing me.

I feel his smile in the kiss when I whimper and my knees go a little weak at the kiss and his words. His calling me 'his girl' is doing all kinds of things to me. As does the fact that I know other people might have been making a joke with what he said, but Eric meant it. It's a bit overwhelming and not knowing how to respond…I turn to humor.

"Careful, give a girl too much power and it might just go to her head." I murmur, my cheeks heating in a blush.

He snorts out a laugh and presses his forehead to mine. "If only that was the case, I could handle that much better than the truth."

I frown but don't pull away. "Which is?"

"That you're much more likely to go in the complete opposite direction abs take very little rather than taking too much. As much as you are Dauntless in almost all other respects, you still have a good amount of Abnegation in you, kitten."

This time I do pull away from him a little, still frowning. "Is it that bad of a thing for you, that I'll always have some Abnegation in me?"

"No, it's not a bad thing." He sighs and shakes his head, a wry smile playing on his lips. "At least it's not now…but a few months ago…yeah it would have probably been the worst thing in my eyes." He pauses and the smile falls from his lips as his brow furrows heavily. "It does worry the fuck out me though, Kat."

"I know…" Is all I can manage to say in return. I nod and reach up my hand to smooth over his brow, then over to his ear and along the shell of it.

A few months ago I would have probably protested, insisting that I was all Dauntless no matter what some stupid test said. Now, I've accepted it is part of who I am as well. I know it's harder for Eric to accept, but that he does accept it means so much to me.

He shivers at my touch and reaches out to grasp my hand before I can take it any further. Yeah, his eyes are slightly darkened by desire but I can see his determination to not let it steer us off the course he's set for us tonight.

"Shower. Now." He pulls away with his eyebrow lifted as he growls out his command. "Then we can eat and relax together for a bit before we have our talk."

I pout but it's half-hearted and just as playful as the light swat he gives my butt as I move past him into the bathroom. When the door is closed behind me I sigh and slump against it slightly as all the exhaustion washes over me.

Seeing everything Eric's laid out for me with such care and thought should make me happy, and it does. But right now, it also hurts just as much as seeing how worn and hurt his eyes are whenever he looks at me lately.

He's been so patient with me, waiting just like he said he would, for me to be ready to talk to him. I haven't…and to be honest...I don't know if it weren't for the investigation and my fear simulation producing a memory instead…that I would have.

I can't summon the energy to take a long shower at the moment, but I do decide to take advantage of the warmth of the steam, I sit there for a good while on the bench while I gather my thoughts. Thinking of the things I need to tell Eric. Not just about what happened in my simulation today, but everything else that I told the others in Zach's office. I know he hasn't been updated on that yet either and he shouldn't have to find out in some briefing. It needs to come from me too.

Then there's what Chase hinted at to me while Zach was making my tea for me. He casually mentioned that while I was telling Eric things, I shouldn't probably let him know I've known about Four and Tris all along. That sticks out to me for some reason though I don't know why. Maybe it's the pointedly casual way he said it to me?

I sigh and stand up. My head is still too fuzzy and it makes it harder to think properly. I clean myself up quickly, not even bothering to wash my hair. By the time I've gotten out, dried off, dressed and taken my meds, Eric is calling me from the living area to tell me dinner is ready.

I delay just a bit longer to get the bathroom cleaned up then brace myself, not knowing how the night is going to end when I tell him all about my past.

***** Worth Fighting For *****

Eric is standing in front of the vid screen messing with the controller and wearing a black tank top and gray sweatpants when I finally join him.

The coffee table has a place setting for both of us, with glasses of something iced to drink and bowls of our dinner. I walk over to the couch and look down into the bowls to find it filled with a concoction of some kind with pasta. Although it's not any of the pasta I've ever seen or eaten before. It's a spiral shaped noodle with chunks of what looks to be chicken.

Eric catches me eyeing it suspiciously and chuckles at me as he takes his normal spot on the couch beside me.

"It's just mac and cheese but I picked up the rotini, which is what this pasta is called, and a few other things for us. They have a drink mix that's part tea and lemonade that's really good when iced." He informs me as he picks up a bowl and hands it to me along with a fork.

"What's all the stuff in it?" I ask as I sniff at it tentatively to make sure that it isn't spicy.

Not that I think Eric would do that to me, but ever since I took a dare to eat something with hot sauce I've been a bit skittish in trying new things. Ending up with a snotty nose and tears running from my eyes had not been a cute look for me at all.

"There are three different kinds of cheese, grilled chicken as well as some bacon…and absolutely no hot sauce." His lips twitch as he fights off laughter, remembering that episode as well.

I speared a piece of the pasta and nibbled at it first, then when I realized how darn good it was I quickly got a bigger bite and shoved it in my mouth.

"I take it that it meets with your approval?" He asks me, smiling around a bite of his own.

I don't bother to answer him, because I know it was a rhetorical question. I just shoved another mouthful into my mouth and shrugged while trying not to laugh.

"Brat," He mumbles and shakes his head at me. Then he picks up the controller and presses a button on it before announcing. "I picked up another movie for us to watch tonight."

"You don't have enough already?" I tease him.

He tosses a glare over at me and huffs. "I remembered that they made a movie of the book you loved growing up. So I got that and a few other movies that were made about books we've talked about. I thought we could watch Where the Wild Things Are tonight...but that was before what happened earlier. If you want to watch something else…"

"No!" I protest and then I swallow around the emotion and let out a shaky breath while nodding. I smiled at him when he searched my eyes for a moment, trying to determine what I might be thinking or feeling. What he doesn't know, can't know because I've never told anyone before, is that when things were at their darkest for me because of Marcus…I would read that book again.

"I think I would really like that, Eric."

His eyes soften and he smiles back, clears his throat and presses play.

There's a quote that my sister and I held dear to our hearts. When we were feeling confined by our faction and ridiculed by the others. We quoted it to each other like a mantra…a shield to shelter each other.

'I have a sadness shield that keeps out all the sadness, & it's big enough for all of us.'

Eric is my shield and it's time I let him in.