I do not find Severus in the castle.
I didn't expect him to retreat to the dungeons, mind, or some dusty, forgotten room. But I had rather expected to find him near a window or parapet, most likely along the upper floors or towers. Contrary to my expectations, however, it is on the grounds that I find him. Quietly standing alone near the lake.
Staring off into the distance, our Potions Master does not respond to my approach. I remain silent as I join him, taking the time to look out over the lake myself as I wait for him to speak.
...
...
"You are my most tolerable colleague," he eventually comments, earning a chuckle from me.
"Quite the compliment coming from you, Severus."
He scoffs.
...
"Your classes have always been excellent as well. Even when I was a student, no one could fault you in the classroom."
It is what he doesn't say that matters, of course.
"I see," I reply with a nod. "It has always been the area I excelled. It was easy to bring a bit of the showmanship from dueling to the classroom."
I don't bother elaborating further. Neither of us is here for our successes.
...
"The Hat was torn on Sorting me, you know. Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. Gryffindor or Ravenclaw."
Severus finally looks at me.
"Really?" he asks, mild interest in his tone.
"Oh yes," I assure him. "It was a very near thing. Is it truly so hard, to see me as a Gryffindor?" I ask him, raising an eyebrow.
Many, many wizards have doubts about the idea, for the obvious reason. Severus, however...
He nods, slowly.
"Somewhat. As I said, you are tolerable. Any 'Gryffindor days' must be far behind you."
I chuckle.
"True enough, true enough. And my point."
Sighing wistfully, it is my turn to stare out over the lake.
"Ravenclaw. House of the studious. And what did I do with my life? I became a duelist!"
I smile.
"A life of combat, adventure, and excitement."
Noting his frown out of the corner of my eye, I chuckle again.
"Come now, Severus. Young, eager, talented wizards, with an exceptional focus on combat? Do you really think that most of us actually spend all of our time in the circuits and official events?"
I shake my head.
"Unsanctioned duels, bounty hunting, monster hunts, mercenary work, freelancing for the goblins...Ah. Being a known name opens all sorts of doors, no matter the world."
A slow nod and an evaluating gaze.
"Mmm, yes. It was quite the life, quite the life. I earned coin aplenty. Trophies, acolades..."
Regrets.
Astera.
Ah, Astera...
...
...
"Hmm. I had a decent little spiel ready to go, you know."
Severus nods.
"I suspected as much."
"None of it was untrue, precisely-"
Scoffing once more, the younger man looks away.
"but...ah."
I shake my head.
"It doesn't matter. I would be doing you a disservice, telling tales while leaving the...heart of the matter, out."
I sigh before taking a deep breath.
"There are some battles you cannot win, no matter how fast your feet or skilled your wand. Love, makes fools of us all."
He does not turn but I can feel his attention.
I smile sadly.
"Despite what you may expect, I had no shortage of romantic options. Wealth, fame, talent, danger," I give a hollow chuckle, "All went a long way at making up for my, short-comings."
My smile becomes more genuine as a grimace flashes across his face.
"Alas, like so many before and after me, the one to catch my heart was the only one uninterested in such things. A girl with no taste for conflict or danger. One who disdained mindless bravery and silly light shows."
...
"The details don't really matter, I think. In the end, I retired back to Britain and more fully embraced my Ravenclaw side. I always had a love for books, mind, and learning. Much of my popularity as a duelist was from my creativity; the sheer number, obscurity, and inventiveness of the spells that I used. But it was at this point that I dedicated myself to learning for its own sake."
Severus remains silent, but he is still listening. He always was a good listener.
"I became...reclusive. Shut off from the world. Eventually, however, an old friend did manage to get through, draw me out. And not long after that, another friend requested I show their cousin the ropes. Which, of course, led to becoming a trainer, for a time."
I nod.
"It was...good. Rewarding. Satisfying, to put both my martial skills and my intellectual ones to use. To impart knowledge while having a decent scuffle."
Severus's expression at my comment causes me to grin once more, even if it doesn't last.
"Alas...alas. It didn't last. Too close, you understand? Too many memories, to keep at it day after day. But! It had given me an idea. Awoken a new interest, one that I had never considered before."
"Teaching," Severus interjects.
I nod
"Teaching. It-"
...
I sigh.
"I had tried to show her. That I was more than a brute. That I could be what she was looking for. But, I did not understand..."
...
"Even when I 'embraced my Raven' I did so selfishly. With my own advancement in mind, my own learning. It...has always been a problem. Even now."
...
"Teaching. Spreading knowledge. Actively improving the world, rather than tearing it down, or merely preventing it from getting worse. At least...that's the idea. Yet it seems that I have once again missed the point, haven't I?"
I spent so much time and focus on the classroom and the studies, on the teaching, that I neglected the students.
Ah, Astera. Proven right about me once more.
...
Severus, surprising me once more, remains silent, not taking the offered opening.
...
Bending down suddenly, he picks up a stone, carefully looking it over. With a nod he pulls back an arm and throws it, sending it skipping across the water...or attempting to. It disappears into the lake with a splash.
"Tch..."
I fight back a smile.
"Do you remember?" he asks suddenly.
"Right here," he continues. "1976. Fifth year. That is when my path was set. One moment. One, petty act of malice, from a petty fool."
Severus...
I glance around us, at the random, otherwise meaningless, patch of dirt and grass.
"And an...exceptionally, poor choice of words from me. A lashing out at the wrong target, in a moment of embarrassment."
...Ah. Yes...That makes sense.
"One moment, Flitwick. That's all it took. One moment, to destroy my life. To set my path in stone."
One moment...How fickle, a mistress li-
"Nonsense."
I blink as Severus scoffs.
"Utter nonsense."
The man has my full attention now, but I barely seem to even register with him.
"Dumbledore seems to think that our lives are utterly defined by these single, dramatic moments. And so long as he continues to think that way nothing will ever change."
He shakes his head, turning to look at me.
"This was the most painful moment of my life. The worst moment...Or so I thought. I was wrong, of course."
He briefly closes his eyes.
"Even with her rejecting me...Refusing to associate with me in any way. With her choosing to marry my greatest enemy, the man who I hated most in the entire world..."
I wince in sympathy.
...
He takes a deep breath.
"I had everything I always wanted as a Death Eater."
And I wince again, for a very different reason.
"My talents were recognized. I had friends. I was respected. Oh, some few may have commented on my "half-blood" status, but they did so quietly. I, after all, had the attention and favor of far more important people than them."
He sighs.
"Access to all the resources I could want. Almost no restrictions or oversight. Encouragement, to push the boundaries. To test my limits..."
I nod, slowly. Every academics dream, in theory. Though knowing exactly who he was working for, I suspect it would be a nightmare. Even "resources" can have a terrible definition for the wrong sort of people.
"And in between tests and brewing sessions, I could hunt down those who wronged me and take revenge."
My breath catches at his words.
His expression doesn't change. His posture, his body language, nothing.
He...He can't be-
"I never managed to get the Marauders, obviously, but there were others. Do you remember Edward Mclaggen?"
...
Slowly, I nod.
Gryffindor. Two years above him, I believe. One of the best beaters Hogwarts has seen in decades.
Cut to pieces and owled to his relatives...Most of him.
"Winston Macmillan, Jeoffry Sparks..."
Winston, quite outspoken for a Macmillan. Sparks, so quick with his wand. Had the talent for dueling, but lacked the flair. Became an Auror instead and did quite well, I understand. Until...
I grimace. Stinging Hexes. So many overpowered Stinging Hexes that he actually died from them. A first in Britain. His eyes and skin ruptured*and the swelling eventually blocked his airway, suffocating him.
That particularly...memorable, bit of cruelty was an act of revenge?
"Yes, I got the opportunity to cross a few lines off my list."
I eye the teacher, the Head of House in front of me.
"Poetic" revenge, I assume, for his time here?
Despite my best efforts, I cannot think of any incidents that would provoke such a reaction. I...
My eyes close.
I did not even realize that he had significant issues with...any of those students. Or anyone other than the Marauders.
They are not in my House, certainly, but the kind of grudges, the level of raw hatred that leads to murder? That leads to war?
Severus snorts.
"I thought it was special, my list. That I was the only one to collect grudges so. To make...plans. I was wrong. It turns out that it is quite common for similar students to do so. I was not even the only Death Eater with one."
My gaze falls and I take a deep breath.
Too many. Too many of our students became Death Eaters after graduating.
We knew it was happening but...
I sigh.
"Tell me, Severus. Tell me honestly. How many could we have actually done something about?"
He remains silent for some time.
"Everyone with any sense knows how many bought their way to freedom;" he states.
I nod.
"They...were most likely lost causes. They joined willingly, knowingly. Happily. And despite other good options."
His face curdles slightly.
"I...suspect, that their existence as the...face, of the...movement...is a, not insignificant factor, in people's perceptions. In your assumptions."
I nod, slowly.
That is a fair point.
"Those in prison? Some need no explanation, the true monsters. Others..."
He nods.
"At least a few of them, yes. Most, however?"
He finally turns to look at me.
"The vast majority of those that you, that any of you, could have helped? Died."
I return his gaze stoically.
But even knowing it was coming, even having expected it, my heart skips a beat.
"Lost. Ostracized. Angry. They are easy recruits. Teach them the Unforgivables and they become at least a mild threat. Then toss them out into the world as disposable weapons. Let them do some damage."
...
He turns away once more.
"Why did she turn against me, do you think? Over a single insult? Lily and I were best friends since childhood."
I don't reply, hearing a rhetorical question.
"She didn't, of course. I had called her worse than that, over the years."
A small, sad smile.
"Much worse."
I blink and it is gone.
"But she had finally had enough. I drove her away, over time. Without realizing it. My insult, or more importantly, the intent behind it, was the last straw, as it were."
...
"It is...so easy. To lash out. Even at the few who might actually care. Especially at those who care..."
Opening my mouth, I pause before closing it once more. I have no experience in the matter. No idea what to say.
"That moment. Right here. Set my path. But it would never have happened, if not for everything that led up to it. Dumbledore likes to talk about our 'choices' as if I could have simply made a single different choice here, and everything would have been all better."
His jaw clenches.
"Nonsense...What about every time everyone chose not to help me, before and after? Every time the Marauders chose to act against me? Every other stupid, angry, short-sighted choice that I made?"
...
He sighs.
"Regardless, here we are."
"Here we are..." I murmur my agreement.
...
"Do you think I could get away with slipping some of my paperwork in Minerva's pile if I confound her first?"
"I don't think you could manage that even if you Imperiused her."
He grunts.
"Pity."
...
Another sigh.
"I should get on it. I am already so far behind, after everything..."
I nod. I am on top of it, as ever. Ahead, even.
After all, I have been half ignoring my students.
...
"The student..."
Turning back to me, he raises an eyebrow.
"The one you spoke of at the meeting. Are they...?"
He regards me silently for a time.
"The student...is in desperate need of help. Due to their...circumstances, they would never have reached out on their own. They are...very much set for isolation and lashing out at the world. If not handled carefully, and the Dark Lord rises again, they will join. And they will die."
...
With that he turns and walks away, making his way across the bright, sunny grounds.
Sighing, I look up.
Blue sky. Very light cloud cover.
Beautiful weather today. Beautiful.
...
"Obnoxious," I mutter.