Chapter 8
I Was Never Meant to Fight on My Own
A/N: I worked really hard on this and would appreciate all comments and/or feedback. The theme and title of this chapter comes from "On My Own" by Ashes Remain. This song is so perfect.
Chapter Spoilers: In case you can't tell, I'm not a huge fan of Eren Yaeger.
Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I only own Emalina and any other OC's.
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Sasha
Utter darkness was the first sight I had, for when my eyes suddenly opened on their own accord, all I could see was the still of the night. Through the open crack of the window, the moon was low in the sky with no sliver of light indicating morning had yet arrived, but the day would soon join. As my female cadets still sleeping peacefully in their beds slowly grew into my vision, I rolled over to see my best friend tossing around in her sheets. I hadn't just woken from my slumber on my own; Emalina was moaning in her sleep, and as my eyes grew to focus on her features, I was frightened to see tears strolling down her face.
"No...no, please, don't..." were the sudden words whispered from her lips.
Sitting up, I stretched over and tenderly grasped her arm, shaking my friend awake. I'd known she was used to endure her nightmares, she shared this with me awhile before, but never had I seen her like this. Had this occurred before and I never noticed? Or had I never woken up to see it in the moment?
"Ema...Emalina?" She did not stir, but the sound of my voice triggered something unconsciously in Ema, her body fidgeting, face muscles tightening and her whimpers grew louder. "Ema sweetie, wake up, please..." I was about to shake her harder though the chance did not arise.
For my best friend opened her mouth and began to scream.
Endless, high-pitched shrieks poured from her lips as she curled deeper into the fetal position, her fingers gripping the sheets in a death-lock. "Emalina!" Shaking her shoulders, I repeated her name over and over until the rest of the dorm was now awake, their annoyed voices growling and grumbling when they stood around our bunk, asking what the hell was going on.
"Sasha what is wrong with her?" Christa's sweet voice asked as she rubbed her eyes.
"God, we're all trying to sleep just shut her up," snarled Ymir.
"Come on Ymir!" was Mina's voice.
Ignoring the others, I took a deep breath, my voice the next to sadly roar, "EMALINA!" My yelling her name had done the trick.
Convulsing, Ema sharply drew in a breath as she shot upwards, hands grasping at her night shirt, sweat pouring down her face, or was they fresh tears? With the dorm now quieted, other than my friend's sharp breath intake, I observed the state of this situation. It took a few moments, but her breathing began to slow, and when several of the girls attempted to ask questions, I shushed them, my attention on Emalina who was staring at me.
"Emalina, I...are you alright?"
"Yeah," was her immediate reply. Moving her vision around the dorm, she noticed our female comrades staring solely at her, some were concerned though most were annoyed. "I...my goodness. I'm so s-sorry..." Biting her fist, Ema slid her eyes closed, chest heaving as I noticed another fresh wave of tears on her flushed cheeks. Mumbling an apology after apology, she swiftly jumped from our taller bunk, rummaging through her personal trunk as she grabbed her uniform, leaving the dorm before the rest of us could comprehend her actions. As the heavy door slammed into the frame as she left, I became the target for all their stares.
"What the hell was that about, Sasha?" one asked.
"I..."
"Geez," Annie scowled, rubbing her eyes. "There's only an hour before we're supposed to be up and this happens?"
"Guys c'mon, give her a break," I stated weakly, jumping down to the floor as well.
"Why should we? She wakes us all by screaming bloody murder and just leaves? What the fuck gives?"
"Ymir!" Christa cried out. "We all know Emalina's had it rough the last few years..."
"So? She's not the only one who's had it rough. Stop putting her on a pedestal and giving her a pass." Ymir continued and I was growing tired of the other girls bashing my friend.
"Stop it you guys!" I growled, surprise written over their face. I wasn't one for confrontation, but Emalina had been through enough during training with others giving her crap. My friend hadn't done a thing to deserve some of the treatment she received and I wasn't about to stand by while others gossiped behind her back. "You all know Emalina's not like that, she doesn't think she's had it worse off. We all carry our own burdens and it all affects us differently."
"Just as long as she doesn't wake up screaming again," Mikasa stated before turning and climbing back into her warm sheets.
The others soon followed as I was left by my bunk before grabbing jacket and following my friend. With only one other place she could head to on the grounds, I quickly made my way towards the female washroom towards the back of the building where the showers were. Entering, I found my friend sitting on one of the benches along the back wall, head buried in her hands before tilting upwards as I approached. No words were needed as I took my seat, stretching my arm around Emalina as she leaned me, silently sobbing.
And that was how we stayed for some time. I could feel the warmness of the morning sun creep through the building just as Emalina forced to cease her tears, avoiding my gaze at all costs. "I'm sorry, Sasha..."
Removing my arm, all I think to say was it was alright, and I knew it was. I was fairly certain Jean, Marco and I were the only ones who knew of her history and the angst it still caused her to this very day. "There's no need to apologize, I just wanna know you're ok."
"I...w-want to say I'm fine, but truly...no. I'm not fine today..."
"Do you...I'm here if you'd like to talk about it."
Though she held a grateful smile, Emalina still withdrew herself just as she had before we were friends. With a shake of her head, Emalina said, "T-Thank you but, I-I think I just need some time alone." Finally meeting my regard, her resolve was strong and I was not one to deny what she needed. Nodding in agreement, I stood, but not before crushing Emalina in a hug, wanting to say more yet not sure how; leaving her behind, I made my way back towards our dorm to find the others asleep where I curled into my blanket, not wanting to fall asleep.
After an hour passed, I grabbed my belongings as the others were rising for the day, deciding it was time to prepare for the new day. By the time I trekked towards the Mess Hall, Jean and Marco met me halfway, giving them a lopsided smile. Entering and gathering our food, we noticed Emalina in the back corner, twirling her utensil around the bowl, staring aimlessly into its contents.
"Emalina..." Jean whispered curiously, taking a step forward before my arm reached to grab his.
"No Jean, she needs this morning to herself."
"What'd you mean Sasha?" Marco asked, eyes moving between us and our friend.
"Umm, here take a seat, I'll explain." Far enough away from Emalina, I explained everything as the males ignored their morning meal. "She woke all the girls in our dorm with screams and...muttered several apologies before grabbing her clothes and leaving. I followed her to the washroom and she was just crying..." I whimpered.
Daring to glance across the room, Jean and Marco could do nothing but watch as she continued to stir her food, consuming nothing she had grabbed. Marco faced forward, but Jean resumed his gaze, leaning his chin upon a hand while we began to eat. Unbeknownst to Jean, I was watching him. His shallow breath along with the redness creeping along his neck; he wouldn't even turn his head to eat, exclusively watching Emalina.
"I'm worried," Jean's sudden voice pulled Marco and I from our reverie. When we didn't question his meaning, my male friend explained his statement. "I haven't seen her like this in some time, and it's not like her to hide things from us."
"True..." Marco agreed, taking a sip from his soup. "But you know she doesn't tell us everything."
"She doesn't have to!" I snapped.
"Whoa, calm down Sasha." Turning back around, Jean raised an eyebrow in my direction before I sighed and muttered an apology.
"Sorry. Some of the girls this morning accused Ema of thinking she's had it worse than others and I got mad. We know why Emalina's the way she is, but people don't see that because they don't know, so they make assumptions."
Sighing, Marco rubbed his face. "Sadly, she's had those accusations against her from the beginning." Nodding, the three of us finished the meal in silence before the bell rang, signaling the first class of the day was to begin. Lingering as the other cadets filed out of the Mess Hall, we waited for Emalina to gather her dishes and when she didn't, we allowed her the peace as we left. Trekking across the training grounds, we filed in to class that was already filling up; I made my way towards Connie as the other two found a row with three available seats, waiting for Emalina to join. But when she didn't, another cadet took the seat next to Marco as we all watched the door, waiting for her to walk through.
"Good morning everyone." Several students replied in earnest as one of the Cadet Corp directors began discussing what he would discuss for the day. Roughly fifteen minutes passed before the door suddenly opened, revealing Emalina glancing around nervously. Pausing, the director acknowledged her presence and said, "Ah, Cadet Varlen, pleasure of you to finally join us."
"I-I apologize sir," she answered with a curt nod.
"Care to explain your tardiness?"
"Yes sir, I accidentally fell asleep in the Mess Hall."
With a light scowl, he ignored her reasoning, pointing to the open seat next to Bertholdt who was seated in the row in front of Jean and Marco. "As this is your first tardiness, I will let it slide. Please take your seat next to Cadet Hoover and I will continue."
"Yes sir, thank you." Taking her seat, Emalina sought me out across the hall, lips curving upwards but her face screamed the opposite, holding the same expression as she found the two males. Whispering a good morning to Bertholdt, she took the seat and opened her book, folding her arms upon the table as the director continued his lecture.
For two hours we listened, jotted down notes and held different discussions with the other cadets. With thirty minutes left before we were given a break, the director suddenly closed his book and turned towards the class, arms clasped behind his back. All fell silent before he cleared his throat and walked around the desk in the middle of the bottom floor. "As you are all aware, you only have a few months remaining before your graduation from the Cadet Corps, which means choosing the regiment you will devote your life to as a soldier. As part of the 104th Cadet Corps, you all are part of a fascinating group of individuals I have worked with and my curiosity has been growing over what regiment each of you will choose. So, for the remainder of the time we have today, I want to ask each and every one of which branch you are considering, whether that is your final decision or not. So, let's start over here."
Moving across the room, most of the cadets were deciding on the Garrison Regiment with some who were wanting to join the Military Police. Watching everyone decide made me question where I wanted to be. Initially, I though the Garrisons would be nice, but the more I've trained, the more I decided the Military Police would be my final decision. I was guaranteed safety within the inner wall – plus, the inner wall had meat. Lots, and lots of wondrous meat!
Moving towards the center column seats, the question finally landed on Eren's shoulder, who proudly stated he was joining the Survey Corp, to rid this world of all the titans. I could see Jean opening his mouth but the man caught my eye and I sternly shook my head no. Some muffled voices were heard across the room, as we'd all heard the male state this before, with the director moving along to the next individual. By the time it was Emalina's turn to speak, she remained quiet.
When Emalina still didn't say anything, the director asked, "Cadet Varlen, is everything alright?"
"Sir I...I would politely request to not answer the question, if that is acceptable."
Blinking, I wasn't sure if he knew what my friend had suffered, but the director's expression seemed to confirm what I was thinking. "Are you not sure which branch to join?"
"No, it's not that exactly – well i-it is, but..." Rubbing up and down her arms, Emalina was struggling for words. In the last two years we knew each other, I had never seen her like this. I'd known her better days and her worse, but this couldn't even compare. Her dream...what was it she dreamt of to cause my best friend to be so seclusive of herself? "Right now, I would preferably like to keep that to myself, sir."
"Tch, are you serious?" Rotating to glare at Emalina, who flinched and leaned away from the male, Eren narrowed his face. "Why the hell are you even trying to be a soldier anyways if you can't give an answer to the question? What's so hard to say you'll join the Garrisons?"
"Excuse me?" she whispered, not knowing why she was suddenly being attacked. Sitting on the edge of my seat, my hands forming fists as I watched the spectacle. The rest of the class fell silent, not even the director stopping Eren from speaking to Emalina in such a manner. Ah hell, I bet Jean's fuming right now. To which, as my vision moved, I could see Marco restraining Jean from bursting off his chair. "What makes you think I'll join the Garrisons?"
"Really? Think about it. Yeah, you're a decent soldier Emalina, but do you have the potential to be in the Military Police? You certainly don't seem to have the guts or the strength to be part of the Scouts, so the Garrison is the only regiment fitting for someone like you, if that."
"Eren..." Mikasa growled by his side.
Soaring from his chair and causing it to fall against the ground with a crash, Jean yelled at Eren, their history still caused friction when their paths crossed. Connie's mouth fell as I smirked, knowing it was only bound to happen for Jean to stand up for Emalina. "What the hell gives you the right to speak to her like that?! You have no idea what her reasoning is!"
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Jean
"Oh, and you do Jean?" Moving from glaring at Emalina to me, Eren smirked that stupid fucking mouth of his.
Maybe I was playing right into his hands, but damn this asshole for speaking to Emalina the way he had. Not even knowing why she was upset wouldn't stop me from protecting her from those who wanted to badmouth her. Not while I was sitting right behind the woman. "Yes, Eren, I do! But unlike you, I don't tell people where they should be placed when I know nothing about them!"
"Of course you'd know, horse-face, you two are buddy-buddy."
I couldn't believe the interaction I was having with this suicidal maniac. Had he always been this dense? Not everyone had to be as vocal as he about his ridiculous craving to rid all the titans and it was pissing me off the way he was forcing his opinion upon her. "You damn idiot! Who the hell are you to decide her future? Just because she's not as open as yourself changes nothing! She's a damn strong soldier and her strength doesn't depend on telling everyone around her the regiment she wants to join. She doesn't have to be like you!"
"Oh yeah? If she can't decide now what regiment she'll join, what's she gonna do in a few months when we graduate?"
"What the hell do you know Eren?" Both of us moving our attention to the female standing in between, quickly glanced behind to me before moving onto Eren. "You think you're so special just because you lived through the hell of four years ago? Your self-righteous attitude is disgusting; is that what gives you the right to be an asshole?!"
"I'm not...! I don't – !"
"Then what gives you the right to determine where others should be placed? Where I should be placed? Jean's right, just because we don't act like you, are we not good enough?"
"N-No..."
"Then what is it, damnit?! Huh? You think you're the only one whose passion comes from when the titans broke through the wall? Look around, you're not special Eren! I lost my parents and my village, just like you."
"What the fuck Emalina?! I don't think I'm special! But at least I know why I'm here! What about you? Why can't you just answer the question? One who can't admit their reason only proves they will never be strong enough!"
"Oh! So just because I don't give my personal reason for becoming a soldier gives you the right to accuse me of not being strong enough? Your attitude only proves your egotism! You really wanna know which regiment I'll join? Well here's your answer: I don't fucking know because I'm not sure which branch will allow me to better help the people suffering from the titans!"
"The obvious answer is the Scouts! They're the only hope we have for finally defeating the titans!"
"And that's your belief, not mine! Eren, we're not as different as you think. I first enlisted as a soldier for revenge; I wanted to tear each titan apart for crushing my father and eating half my mother! But now? I just want to protect those I've grown to care for and love, anything to make them feel safe! I don't thrive on revenge anymore because it won't bring my parents back...I'm here to better serve those around me who are still alive!" Hurriedly grabbing her book, Ema moved from the row, making her way down the stairs towards the exit. But Eren had to open his mouth as she passed his seat.
"Only the weak cower behind the walls. You'll never amount to anything Emalina, and will fail as a soldier. How will you protect those you care for?"
"That does it, you suicidal maniac!" Restraining me any further, Marco jumped to his feet and held my shoulders before I could tear the damn fool apart. The others within the room were either quite or gossiped amongst their neighbors. Did any of them not want to stand up for Emalina? Why were they all so damn quiet?!
"You son of a bitch!"
Curling her hand tightly, fingers digging into her palms to draw blood, Emalina whipped around, her clenched fist connecting with Eren's jaw as he stumbled backwards into Armin. Hand outstretched in midair, Emalina huffed, her narrowed slits piercing Eren who was wiping blood off his lips. As Marco's arms grew lax and fell to his side, neither of us could grasp our friend's reaction. Fucking hell I was impressed!
"Don't..." was her first word when she finally spoke.
Everyone within the room cowered from her venom; hopefully this taught them to not piss off Emalina Varlen. Seeing the way her eyes stared at Eren Jaeger confirmed the raging fire she controlled, ready to wield at her fingertips when need be. She was strong, she was determined, and she would not let others hinder her urgency to protect others.
"Don't you DARE tell me I will fail. I carry the burden every day that I couldn't save my mother and father...So what if you think I'm weak, I'm here as a soldier to save those I love from further death, and suicidal maniacs like you will not stop me from saving those I care for!" Rushing to leave the classroom, her form whisked through the door as the room fell silent. Huffing in anger, I grabbed my belongings, as well as Marco and Sasha who followed my tail, the three of us rushing after the female we all cared for.
We knew Emalina and where she would be. Moving across the training grounds, we made our way towards the stables, and if she wasn't with Freyja she would be near the lake. As the door was already thrown open, we weren't surprised to see our friend in the horses stable, her arms wrapped around the gentle creature's neck, sobbing uncontrollably. Hay and rocks crunching underneath our boots, signaling our presence as the brunette straightened her back, but did not glimpse in our direction.
Sasha and Marco protested but I tenderly stepped forward, hand reached out to touch her arm, and when I did so, Emalina whimpered, the noise piercing my chest as she moved into my body, arms wrapping around my waist. Holding her form against mine, I let her cry, the tears seeping through my clothing as our friends watched from behind. Whether she forced herself to stop or the tears ran dry, she pulled back, hastily removing all liquid from her face. "Emalina..."
"I'm sorry..." she said, still not looking at our faces. The other two stepped forward as well, not sure what should be said, but waited patiently, wanting Emalina to know they were there. "I'm so s-sorry that was...i-inexcusable behavior and-and I shouldn't have..."
"No, Emalina." Sasha reached forward to grasp her hand. "Eren had no right to say those things to you. He hurt you and I'm glad you hit him. He totally deserved it."
"Yes, yes he did. Emalina, don't regret your decision and don't apologize," Marco added, giving her a soft smile.
"Are you..." her voice was quiet, finally glancing up. "A-Are you guys mad at me...?"
"Whatever for, Emalina?" Sasha asked.
"For this morning..."
"Like we said, there's no need for an apology." I finally spoke through the others. "Sasha...told us what happened, so we knew you needed some space."
"Oh." I though her face would fall, but I guess my words caused her to smile, even just a little as her lips curved upward. Watching as Sasha consoled her best friend, she pulled Emalina into a hug.
"The other cadets may not understand, but we do. You never have to explain anything to us, just know that we're always here for you." Nodding, Emalina bent forward, whispering something into Sasha's ears before Potato Girl peered at Marco and I. "Guys? Can you give me and Ema some time alone?"
A pang in my chest had me hurt. It seemed Emalina had always sought after me when she wanted a shoulder to cry on or just needed to talk. I think this was a first where she only wanted Sasha, and I should be grateful she had others by her side – for which I truly was – but damn if I didn't want to be the sole person she could turn to. Damn Jean, jealous much? I couldn't help but think.
"No problem you two." Giving the female a hug, Marco smiled even more as he stated, "Hey, your right-hook against Eren was amazing, by the way."
Chuckling, Emalina cracked another smile. "That...thank you, that helps a lot, Marco. I feel a bit better that I socked him."
"And sock him you did, that asshole had it coming." Scratching the back of my head, I could feel Sasha staring at me to leave, but fuck, I didn't and couldn't leave Emalina's side. "We'll take off, give you two some space, but don't forget about the evening training later."
"We won't. And thank you, Jean." Emalina gave me another hug as she leaned forward to peck my cheek, but refrained at the last second and decided against it. "You're always there to yell at Eren for me."
"Someone's gotta get it through that thick skull of his that he's a suicidal maniac." Still wanting to converse, even if it was small talk, Marco and I left the stall. Glancing over my shoulder one last time, I caught Emalina's eye and noticed she was nibbling her lip. Cheeks flushed and the way her tooth bit into her lip had me withholding a groan, the pressure of her action had my pants tighten and my knees weaken. Adjusting my now hardened erection, Marco and I left the stables, both wondering why we were asked to leave.
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Emalina
Watching the backs of my male friends leave the stables was saddening, as I was always able to use their comfort on my worst of days. But today, I wanted to speak with Sasha, the only real friend I had that was female, just as I. Moving around Freyja's stall, I gave the steed more hay and water before crossing my arms, becoming uncomfortable in my own skin. Sasha noticed as she pulled me outside the stall against the sliding door where we slithered to sit upon the cobblestone floor.
"So, what's going on in that head of yours you wanted to speak with me instead of Jean?"
Sighing, fingers run through my hair on their own accord, scratching at my skin before curling both knees against my chest, I then laid my head atop before I answered. "You wouldn't believe me if I said I couldn't speak to Jean about this..."
Scooting closer, she knocked her shoulder against mine. "Wow that's...yeah, I am surprised, considering you share more with Jean than Marco and I."
Cheeks growing heated, I stared at Sasha. "I do not share more with Jean!" My hunter friend merely tilted her head dumbfounded, bot buying my words and she huffed her breath. Giving in, I huffed as well, blowing my breath into the open air. "You're right...I do share more with Jean..."
"You do realize Marco and I have known that from the beginning, right?"
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah. Don't fret though, we don't take it personally; you and Jean just...your connection was instantaneous from the beginning."
"Hmm," was all I could mutter. Sasha was right, yet...was I a bad friend because of it?
"What's wrong?" Sasha questioned.
"Today marks five years..." I rushed the words to leave my lips before I shut them for good, remembering earlier that morning with the screams and the blood. There was so much blood...
"Emalina...I-I didn't know..." My friend stammered, mouth opening and closing as I turned my head. She had tears in her eyes and I tilted my head, not understanding.
"Sasha, why're you crying...?"
"Why wouldn't I be?!" She burst, her voice angry though I knew it wasn't towards me exactly. "Emalina...do you remember last year when you were injured during the exam and I questioned how you were so strong? It's moments like this that answer my question. You still carry on and...and you..." Yet as she tried to speak, the more her tears fell, causing my eyes to water once more.
"No, no, Sasha please! Don't cry for me!"
"How can I not? I cry because you've lost so much and carry it all on your shoulders. Emalina Varlen...how you k-keep going everyday surprises me, and that's why I'm h-happy you're my best friend. With everything we've seen throughout our training, you've taught me about inner strength, something I admire most about you."
"Oh, Sasha..." I said, leaning towards my best friend, wrapping our arms around the another in a side embrace. Giggling as we cleaned our faces, my smile began to falter, but I kept it strong and confident. Without a smile, I would fall back into the darkness, back into the grave of death I nearly dug.
"Whenever you get that feeling, confide in me, I'll be your safe haven; I won't let you suffer alone."
"Emalina, if you allow yourself to trust me, I'll be there to pull you out."
Blinking, Jean's voice lulled me away from the dark. I could see the shimmer of his arm stretching towards me, begging to take his hand, wanting to save me from myself. For over two years I had continuously reached for the man to pull me into his warmth, and time after time I would crawl back, seeking solace in my deepest memories. And yet, Jean Kirschtein would crawl on hands and knees, digging deeper and deeper, reaching for the hand he knew was seeking his.
Glancing at Sasha who still rubbed her eyes, she and Marco were my saviors as well. She was right, I saw Jean differently. Was that because the man had captured my heart? Maybe so, yet my guilt was still there. I loved Sasha and Marco equally, both bringing a smile to my face when needed and had become family throughout training. But with Jean Kirschtein, the cocky, golden eyed, two-toned haired man was all I could see day and night. Being around the male offered me the opportunity to remember my suffering, to remember the struggles I'd endured, which brought me to the present of being a soldier-in-training, without the hinderance from what I witnessed.
"Thank you, Sasha." My smile was apparently contagious as my friend who loved potatoes grinned, the redness from her tears disappearing. "It hurts, and it probably will for the rest of my life..."
"It will get easier," Sasha quickly interjected.
"That it will," I agreed, nodding my head. "It's just...these reoccurring nightmares don't help."
"You've told me about them before but...never what happens."
Sighing, I stretched my arms, glancing around the stable as I pondered on the explanation to give. "You already know they began not long after my parents died."
"Mhm," Sasha hummed.
"Some days are good, but days where I miss them the most, I have more nightmares, and sometimes they're very graphic. Lately though, over the last few months they've...changed." Emphasizing the last word, Sasha quirked an eyebrow. "Remember the evacuation drill we did in Trost last year?"
"Yeah."
"Do you recall the night I stayed at Jean's home? That he wanted to introduce me to his mother?"
"Oh yes, I remember," the female added.
"These different nightmares I've been having started that night." Instantly waving her hand for me to continue, how could I not chuckle at her antics? "It was...well what happened..."
"Emalina Varlen, are you blushing?"
"I-I am not!"
"Oh yes you are, and you're stuttering! Oooo what happened? Tell me, tell me!"
Her statement deserved a smack to the arm, which I rightfully gave. "The nightmare that night started as usual, where I remembered my parent's death but then..." I took in a large breath and quickly let my words roll off my tongue. "My dream turned to Jean, that I was witnessing his death and I could do nothing to stop it."
"No way!" Gasping, Sasha jumped to her knees and shook my shoulders. "No, you're lying, that didn't happen...did it?!"
"I'm telling the truth!"
"Oh my...and, does that mean last night you were having a nightmare of...?" I nodded, which I guess is what Sasha wanted to hear as she smiled brightly, I thought she'd break her jaw.
"Since then, the nightmares I have are becoming less of my parents and more of me fearing I'll lose Jean because I..." It was now or never. Inhaling deeply, I cupped both hands over my heart, staring at my best friend as her smile began to falter, not understanding my movements. "Sasha..." my voice was small, I didn't want the words to be carried off into the wind. "I'm in love with Jean Kirschtein."
Abruptly sitting straighter, Sasha said, "Oh, Emalina...Oh, ohhhhh!" Knowing she would shriek, I jumped forward, clamping my hand over her mouth as she did, in fact, scream to the high heavens; if there really were Goddesses of the Walls, they would be covering their ears. The high-pitched noise was muffled and after a few seconds, she quieted down, but I waited before removing my hand. With a quitter tone, Sasha beamed in my face, eyes wide and I swear they were sparkling. "Emalina Varlen you...you're in love with Jean...?"
Just hearing his name from her lips caused mine to curve upward, as the corners of my eyes watered. "He's...I know the man's cocky but he's...Jean is such a sweetheart, I am in love with everything about him. His eyes are so beautiful and the way he has his hair in an undercut? Damn," I whispered the last part, knowing my skin was physically on fire. I couldn't contain my voice as it wanted to keep speaking of the man in question. "Sasha, Jean is kind, gentle, brutally honest, brash, hot-headed, handsome...I could go on but I love everything about that man..."
"So that's why your nightmares changed...are you...Ema, are you afraid because they're changing? That your nightmares of Jean are replacing your parents?"
"I thought of that, but I'm not sure that's it. I feel...Jean's become so important to me that if I lost him, I don't know what'd I do..."
"Hey, hey," pulling me closer until our shoulders were touching once more, Sasha smiled. "You know that's not gonna happen. First, I'm fairly certain Jean wouldn't let that happen because, if you haven't noticed, you're pretty important to him as well, and second, he's joining the Military Police, so we won't be any real danger."
"Here's the thing, I know for a fact I don't want to join the Military Police, so I'll lose him anyways."
"O-Ohh," her face fell as she rubbed her neck.
We were quiet, but I didn't like the silence, only because I loved speaking with Sasha. "You won't, tell anyone, will you? Especially not Connie?"
"Ah hell no, this stays between you and me. But answer me this: are you gonna tell Jean?" My head shook vigorously. "And why not?!"
"Oh come on, you've seen the way he looks at Mikasa. Yeah, he's my best friend, but he's had eyes for her since day one."
"Mmm, are you sure 'bout that?" Sasha seemed skeptical regarding my statement, but I'd seen the signs over the past two years. The longing stares, the statement he made about her beautiful hair, the way he smiled over her. "I know he doesn't have anything for Mikasa. Ema, Jean's crazy about you!"
Puffing my cheeks, I whined in my throat, knowing I should trust Sasha's words, but the same nagging voice at the back of my mind still told me Jean only held eyes for Mikasa. "Bet he hasn't seen Mikasa naked..." I whispered before swiftly clamping a hand over my mouth.
"Excuse me? What on earth are you talking about?!"
"Ugh..." Cat's out of the bag Emalina, fess up. "Fine. The night we arrived in Trost, after Jean yelled at his mom and I left? Jean approached my room later, wanting to apologize but I didn't hear the door open, I was in my own little word folding my clothes when he walked in on me...with me only in my underwear."
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" As she screamed once more, my hand clamped over her lips, though the high pitched shrill leaked over as I dangled my head, actually laughing. Quieting down, Sasha inhaled several deep breaths, though I wouldn't remove my hand until I knew she could keep her shock to a minimum.
"If I remove my hand, will you stay quiet?" Nodding, her facial features wide, I dropped my fingers as my friend visibly shook and I wondered if it had been a good idea to state the truth of what happened that day.
"Emalina...you're joking, right? Tell me you're joking!"
"That's the truth. I was completely naked except for my undies when he walked in, I shoved him out the door to dress, he apologized and we went our merry way."
"Ah hell no! Something else must've happened!" Shaking my head, Sasha laughed. "Wow. And it hasn't become awkward between you two? There's no tension?"
"Tch, well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't awkward at first, but...I...it doesn't help that I sometimes imagine him naked..." my voice quiet and cheeks on fire, I dared not glance at the girl beside me who was basically jumping up and down.
"Emalina, have you...you know, done anything about it?"
"Huh? What're you talking about? I already told you I'm not gonna tell Jean my feelings, so why would I do anything about it?"
"Oh, oh my sweet goodness!" Holding her side as she laughed, I was stunned, not even knowing what she was getting at. "Oh sweetie, no! You," dropping her voice, Sasha pulled me in closer. "You said you imagined Jean naked right? And you like it?" I nodded. "Then have you done anything about the way it makes you feel?"
"Have I done...? Oh god, SASHA!" Slapping my forehead and her arm, I groaned into my hands, knowing my face would forever be stained beat red. "Oh god, do I even wanna have this conversation?!"
"Might as well talk about any and everything." Damn, my best friend was right.
"If you must know, I haven't. When? Where?!"
"The washroom! You either take late showers or early ones when you're up before the others, don't you? It'll give you at least some privacy."
"For the love of...good god," I muttered, embarrassment visible across my features. Though, a sudden thought pierced my head as I let my hands fall. The topic at hand, despite being unanticipated, was welcoming; who else would I have this conversation with? My mother? She died before I was even remotely interested in boys, let alone any form of sexual intimacy. Sasha Blouse was truly the only female I could turn to when in need to discuss anything regarding...personal, feminine matters.
Suddenly needing to hug and show appreciation, my arm wrapped over her shoulder until we were close. She smirked against me as we chuckled, laughing and smiling with the way today had twisted.
"Sasha? Thank you. Truly, thank you for being my best friend. I know I'm not...the easiest person to be friends with, but you, Jean and Marco are the reason I can smile as much as I do, and I'm glad we're all friends."
"There's no need for thanks, Emalina. You and I are best friends, and we'll stay by each other's side to discuss weird and random things, always."
"I'll hold you to that. You're just as important in my life as Jean and no one would be ever to replace you if you were taken from me."
~ oOo ~
Later that evening, once we had time to consume our evening meal, the cadets trekked towards the forest edge in full uniform along with their entire ODM gear. Gas tanks and blade sheaths drummed against my thighs as I walked between Jean and Marco; we were quiet, my embarrassment evident from earlier, yet I smiled on, hoping it was received as a friendly gesture explaining I wanted to be by their side tonight. Almost three years later, I was still scared they would cast me away, but I was always welcome back within open arms, and tonight was no different.
Except, tonight was an evening drill with our ODM.
What was worse, a storm raged the previous day, leaving the ground soaked, forming mud and sludge across the ground.
Thankfully, we had the next day free of training, which was very much needed.
As the cadets were all in formation, Shadis acknowledged the group as he called us to attention. Typically, I would fuse enthusiasm into my military salute and proudly stand tall, yet with the day I'd experienced, I couldn't give a fuck if what I presented was proper or not. Climbing into my warm sheets and forgetting today ever happened was more pleasing than soaring through trees in the dark.
Our Commander instructed that the focus this evening training was to gain further encounters with terrain suffering from abnormal weather conditions. Some cadets scoffed as Shadis stated it would rain just as it had the previous evening, though as the echoing clap of thunder rolled across the grounds, their mouths instantly shut.
During the drill, Shadis and the other directors would be scattered throughout the forest and at any point they would exclaim a command, and whatever said command was, the surrounding cadets would stop and proceed to do what was told. If we were soaring through the trees with our ODM gear and were ordered to drop and run on the ground, that's what we would do; if we were then ordered to move from the ground to the trees, we would switch once again. Some complained around me as some still questioned the purpose of certain exercises. I couldn't understand; if you wanted to complain, fine, whatever, but not understanding a certain drill? It made me assume cadets entering training assumed what they'd learn would be based on the regiment they desired to join.
Tough shit, I thought. Every soldier must obtain the same knowledge.
Giving the go ahead, the cadets were spread across the forest edge, Shadis only allowing several cadets to enter one time before allowing the next group. My location within the group grew closer as claps and flashes of light soared across the heavens. Over the course of a few minutes, the predicted storm was crashing against our shoulders, ice rain pelting over our thick, green cloaks, pulling the hood over our heads to redirect any water from our eyes, even though the attempt was futile.
Finally, as I stepped closer, the Commander allowed several of us to commence as we ran through the trees, boots piercing the ground, leaving a perfect mold behind as we pushed on. Igniting our gear, the other cadets and I flew through the rain, navigating the sheer darkness, avoiding thick tree trunks, low hanging branches and each other. Lighting blazed the treetops, exploding our vision for a split second then leaving us stranded in the night. Knowing I'd lose sight of the other cadets who entered with me, I wasn't bothered when the loneliness crept in as we eventually separated from each other. It wasn't long before I could hear the echoing voice from one director yell his command, directing those who could hear to drop to the ground and run.
Safely dropping to the floor, both feet were absorbed into the muck, my balance forgotten as I fell forward on both hands, fingers sinking deeper and deeper. Mud, leaves and rocks clung to skin and clothing as I yanked myself free, the suction cup sensation emitting a pop once my legs were released as I ran in the direction we were instructed. Falling once apparently wasn't enough as my equilibrium was shot, my entire frame landing in different positions against the ground until I was finally face first in the ground. Forcing myself from the ground, I gasped for breath, the fall claimed my breath, knocking the wind from my lungs. It wasn't until my foot was grasped within a hidden tree root before I dropped to the ground once again, a blood-curling scream raging past my lips, competing on equal grounds with the very storm pelting into my bones.
So what if I didn't care? I screamed and wailed, rain showering my face with the illusion that tears weren't coursing down my cheeks. I willed myself to stop, knowing all this crying was useless, but the rivers were endless as I disregarded the training at hand.
"I'm not weak...I'm not weak..."
Diving my fingers into the ground, my strength faded with all limbs growing numb; I was soaked to the bone with mud and god-knows-what clinging to every inch of my body. My words repeated across my lips, the events of that afternoon rolling over and over through my mind as I stared at the muddy soil.
Speaking with Sasha eased the worries over the frightening dream, yet the pain still lingered. With Jean becoming the center of my nightly terrors, how could I forget his hypothetical death and move on? Saying I loved Jean wasn't even close in conveying the feelings I held within my heart. All I told Sasha was what I fell in love with, and more. The external features: his hair, the way he walked, his presence, and by god that smile. What Jean held internally was the reason my love fell so deep: the kindness he displayed, the cocky attitude, his blunt truthfulness, and, his heart.
No matter the time I spent understanding the beat of my heart, I was always brought back to the present and reminded of the things I've been through, such as today for example; how could I forget the debacle this morning with Eren Yaeger and that damn mouth of his.
"I'M NOT WEAK!" Slamming my fist, I tightened my grip against the feeble ground, willing myself not to fall. If I fell, then I would be weak, and if I became weak, I wouldn't be able to protect those I love.
I wouldn't be able to save Jean.
"You're not weak, Emalina..." Head quickly rising, a gasp left my lips when realization dawned on me that I was surrounded by my fellow cadets: Sasha, Marco, Reiner, Bertholdt, Connie and Jean.
Jean...
Dropping to this knee, the golden-eyed male I loved lowered his hand, widening his eyes, silently asking me to grasp his hand. Slowly reaching forward, my dirtied fingers clenched his spotless skin, tightening around each other until I was steady on my feet. With weak effort, I attempted in removing what mud I could from my face, but gave up when all eyes were on me.
"T-Thanks," I muttered softly, too embarrassed to meet anyone's gaze.
"You're not weak, Ema," Jean repeated, the others chiming in their agreement.
"Jean's right." Stepping forward, Reiner, the bulky man that he is, clamped a hand onto my shoulder and squeezed. "Don't let Eren's words get to you. He had no right to say what he did."
"Reiner..." I whispered. Next thing I knew, everyone else stepped forward, giving me their words and statements of courage, all in agreement that Eren crossed a line and deserved my fist to his face.
"You have your reasons and he has his," Bertholdt chimed in, his lips actually curved upwards, which was probably the first smile I had seen since we met. "Emalina, you've been strong since day one. You're obviously here for a reason."
"Yeah!" Connie spoke, his shaved head nodding with vigor. "You're our friend and we don't care what you decide. I'm just glad you socked him!"
"If you haven't noticed, what we're trying to say Ema, is that we're proud of you, and we don't judge your decisions. You're a strong soldier with a specific goal in mind. We think that's great, but that's not why you're our friend." My freckled friend Marco added.
Blinking, their words caused my tears to swell once more, but this time, out of happiness. Was it possible for someone to be upset for minute, and then the next all negative emotions are replaced? Because that's how I feel right now. Just knowing these people weren't judging me or my reasoning was enough to know they cared. "F-Friends...?"
"Yes, Emalina, how many times must we say it?" Shoving Jean in the shoulder for his tone, Sasha smiled in my direction as the male continued; I knew he meant well and only smiled. "We care for you, not because of what you've been through, what you plan to do or anything else." The others all smiled and stated their agreement.
"Yes!" Connie screamed, high-fiving Sasha as Reiner wrapped an arm around Marco who sheepishly smiled whereas Bertholdt merely smirked. These were my friends.
That's right! These people were my friends and even before the whole Eren fiasco, I knew they cared for me. Though being acquainted with our other comrades, the six individuals before me were the ones I spent most of my time with, both in and out of training. I was safe, I was comfortable, but most importantly? For these people to stop in the middle of this drill and find me? That in and of itself spoke volumes. I felt loved and cared for, something I'd been seeking since the loss of my parents and village.
If my hands were clean, I would erase my tears. From experience, crying would lead straight to a dead-end and I was no longer in a position where I had to fight on my own, because with my friends, I was never meant to, and they wouldn't let me.
"You guys..." Their attention turning back to me, I grinned, my cheeks hurting as I laughed and exclaimed how I wanted to give each of them a hug but refused due to my current muddy situation. Everyone laughed and before we all took flight to complete the dill, each one stated they were proud of my actions today.
Just hearing that my action in socking Eren seemed acceptable was enough to ease my guilt. Yes, I felt guilty because it was immature; however, I was glad to do it. Why? Because someone needed to knock some sense into the damn brat.
Soaring with our ODM gear, the seven of us completed the training with our comrades, and once we were dismissed, my friends wished me a good evening and asked to do something fun the following day. I agreed and everyone left, either to go straight to the dorm or to take a shower before heading to bed. Luckily, the storm had subsided before training was completed, leaving the darkened night pitch black, the eerie shadows of the training grounds more haunting than usual.
As we were wished a goodnight, Jean was the only one to stay as our eyes locked and I smiled. I was happy, and I was determined to keep this wonderful smile on my face.
"Y-You did good during the training," Jean stuttered.
"I had a...moment of weakness, but with you and everyone else, I was able to get through the rest."
"Emalina, we were telling you the truth. Don't let what the suicidal maniac said overcome what you already know."
"I know...that was my moment of weakness, but now...I'm ok, actually better than ok, more so than this morning when I woke up." Scratching my face, feeling the dried mud under my fingernails, I sheepishly chuckled. "Well, technically I screamed bloody murder and woke my entire dorm up, but still."
"Yeah what, what happened? Are you ok now?"
"Oh yes. Talking with Sasha after the whole Eren thing really helped." Moving my legs, we walked from the forest closer to the dorms, though I desperately was in need of a long, steamy shower. No way in hell was I gonna sleep with mud caked in my hair.
"Can I...is it ok if I ask what happened?"
"Ah, just another nightmare," my voice quickly answered. Not wanting to bluntly lie, I still didn't want Jean to know I'd been having more dreams of him since Trost; that was the only one he was aware of. "This one felt real, so I think that's why it affected me the way it did."
"Emalina...I wish you weren't haunted by this." Saddened by his look, my face faltered, but remaining strong, I looped my arm through his and guided our feet towards the washrooms.
"Same here. They're not as frequent as before, so that's something."
"But you've said they've been getting worse."
"It's probably just stress."
"You mentioned this a few months ago in Trost too. Training is stressful and it's been over two years since we started, yet your nightmares are now getting worse?"
"Graduation's just around the corner, Jean. With training, we're now having our asses lectured to already choose the regiment we'll join. So it's probably a mixture of everything we're doing." Releasing a heavy breath, I stopped just outside the female washroom, Jean's mind finally realizing where we were. But my friend didn't seem convinced but decided to drop the subject. "Jean? I have a favor to ask."
"Sure, what is it?"
Lifting my arms, I chuckled at slight creaking of my clothes from the still drying sludge and leaves coating my body. "There is no way in hell I'm sleeping like this, and I was wondering if you could help me rinse this gunk off?"
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Jean
Could my face be any redder?!
Clearing my throat, I had to question her request. Did she even realize how she asked for her favor? Whether she noticed my hesitation or not, Emalina shook her head before rephrasing her question. "My hair," she emphasized, grabbing several chunks filled with debris and dried mud. "Would you please help me with washing my hair before I take a shower?"
"O-Oh, uh s-sure!" Stammering and a little too enthusiastic, I agreed, but it had Emalina smiling, and there was nothing else I could ask for. Having me wait for a few minutes, she retreated to her dorm, returning with the items she needed, a pair of clothes as well as removing her ODM gear. Making our way towards the water pump, she removed her cloak and handed me a small bottle that, as I lifted towards my nose, smelled just like roses.
Oh, so that's why she smells so good, I thought.
"I really appreciate this, Jean. It'll be much easier to get clean if my hair's done first." Bending towards the pump, she cranked the handle as water poured out, spilling over her already damp head, increasing the wetness until her locks were fully soaked once more. Trying to hide her shriek from the cold water, I poured a decent amount from the bottle into my hand before gently moving my fingers around her hair, suds appearing as the mixture worked to untangle and cleanse her locks. As I worked the suds over her scalp, Emalina emitted a low groan as her body shivered slightly.
She just had to fucking groan.
Gritting my teeth firmly, my mind wondered into wicked territory, and although I've ventured in that direction before, Emalina was in front of me. Such a time for certain thoughts was unacceptable!
Focusing on her hair, I scratched my nails over her skin, around her ears and down her neck until it seemed cleaned. Assuming I thoroughly cleaned her hair, I poured a little more mix into my palms, running my fingers a second time to ensure there was no trace of mud left behind. My hair was short, how was I supposed to tell? "Alright, I think it's clean?" I pumped the crank so she could rinse the suds, Emalina was quick to rinse before standing straight, whipping her hair as she stood, flinging water in my direction as it tenderly splashed my face.
Holy hell...
I'd seen Emalina with her hair wet before, hell, we were training in a storm right before this; I'd even seen her almost naked! But the way her fingers moved through her hair, untangling the ends and inspecting to see if I'd miss any spots? Fucking hell, she was beautiful. In my eyes, Emalina Varlen would always be beautiful, no matter the situation.
"Goodness Jean, you did an amazing job!" Removing myself from thinking inappropriately – let's be clear, I'm fucking aroused – Emalina was smiling widely as her ever-growing hair framed her face, some clinging to her skin as it fell passed her shoulders.
"You asked for a favor, so I did the best I could."
"This'll make my shower much quicker, thank you so much. God, it's so clean and not filled with mud or twigs! Oh, goodness Jean..." Laying her fingers against my chin, she tilted my head sideways, looking at something particular until she found what it was. "...you've got some on your face too."
"Ah, just leave it." Were the words that fell from my mouth, but what I really wanted to say stayed within the deep recesses of my thoughts.
"Tch, I can't do that, it's bugging me. You help me, I help you." Pumping water into her hand, she swathed water onto my cheek before taking a few drops from the bottle, lathering it on my face. With very little light, Emalina stepped closer, our noses barely touching while our breath fanned against the other. Massaging her fingers over my cheekbones had me withholding a groan of my own; the sensation was wonderful as my eyes fell shut, enjoying the closeness we shared.
It seemed forever had passed before she removed herself, but when she stepped away, I grasped her wrist, holding her in place. Opening my eyes, I found Emalina watching my hand carefully as she lifted her stunning blue orbs into mine. Every time I observed Emalina, my breath was taken away, her beauty absolutely stunning. Drenched hair framing her face and the way she blinked with the rising rose colored in her cheeks was enough to know an angel stood before me. For that's what Emalina Varlen was to me, an angel. Releasing her hand, I trailed my fingers up her jacket-covered arm, leisurely moving upwards towards her face where I cupped her warm cheek, my thumb stroking the edge of her chin.
Did her eyes always sparkle as they were now? And what about the freckles, had they always been perfectly placed across her nose?
"Jean..."
We were leaning closer, our noses touching once again. My thumb graced her skin as it moved upwards, grazing the skin of her lips, her mouth widening in response. Her name released from mine in a breathy whisper as we were mere centimeters apart, I could feel the heat of her breath on my own, the shivering vibration of excitement, arousal and need flooding my senses.
Would this be it?
Was I about to lay a kiss on Emalina? To drown in her very being, the essence of which I loved to the core?
"Come on man, you can't be serious!"
"Reiner..."
From my peripheral, I could see the tall frame of Bertholdt accompanied with the bulkiness of Reiner as they turned the corner, and just as their bodies faced us, Emalina and I broke away from each other. Reaching towards the pump, she used the opportunity to hide the redness of her face as she washed any suds from her hands while I stood in the same position, dumbfounded and extremely pissed off. You motherfuckers! I mentally cursed our friends.
"Bertholdt, if you need help just ask, I'm sure – oh, Emalina!" From her knelt position, Emalina smiled towards the male friends who walked in our direction. Stopping before us, Reiner's face narrowed just as she stood to her feet, fingers flailing in an attempt to dry them quicker. "You too ok? You both seem pretty red."
"Y-Yeah we're fine." Nice job stuttering, Jean. Might as well state they ruined the moment you've only been thinking of since the night you met Ema! "Our clothes are still drenched from the rain so I'm just cold."
"Same here," she chimed in, holding her cloak for them to see. "I wanted to clean this before heading to the washroom, but we started talking and lost track of time."
"You might not want to stay out much longer if your clothes are still wet," Bertholdt stated.
"He's right, you'll both catch a nasty cold if you do," Reiner added, his sight moving between the two of us.
"Eh, I'm not worried. Actually, I'm headed to the washroom now, so I'll see you boys in the morning." Grabbing her things, Emalina walked past the three of us towards the female entry but stopped, glancing back at me. "Thanks again Jean, I appreciate it." When she finally turned around the corner, Reiner sneered, draping an arm over my shoulder as he winked.
"You wanna hit that, don't you?"
"Reiner!" I growled. "What the fuck?!"
"Hey I'm just saying man! Emalina's got a nice ass and I've noticed the way you look at her."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Reiner," I said, throwing his arm off.
"Bullshit. Listen man, I aint't saying what you should do, but you still plan on entering the Military Police, right?" I nodded. "That's where you're going, and I can tell you, Emalina won't join the MP's. Take my advice: hit that before you join the regiment." Growling once more, I curled my fist and moved towards the asshole, but Bertholdt moved quickly and blocked my frame.
"Let it go, Reiner Sorry about him, Jean." The bulky cadet laughed and grinned as they both made their exit, but Bertholdt stopped and spoke once more. I swear, this male is speaking more and more each time I'm around him. "Jean...what Reiner's trying to say is this: you have your objective, and Emalina has hers. Tell her how you feel before your paths become split and you're forced to go different directions." And then he was gone.
Standing there dumbfounded, I was confused. Had that actually been Bertholdt who just spoke, or was I dreaming? Out of the other cadets, he and Reiner were from the same village, so it's no surprise Bertholdt understands what his friend is attempting to say, but damn! Did Reiner believe I was around Emalina just to hit that?!
With vibrations from my growl shaking my form, I allowed myself several seconds to cool before heading towards my dorm, retrieving clean clothes, and trekking back towards the male washroom. They were right; I'd been in the dark with soaked clothes long enough and didn't want to risk becoming sick.
And...there was another issue at hand that needed to be taken care of.
Slamming the door behind me, I found myself all alone, thankfully, stripping naked with the dampness of all my clothing clinging to my skin, making it difficult to remove. Once bare, I entered a random shower and closed the curtain, igniting the pipes to provide heated water and sighed once the burning liquid melted my icy skin. Standing, the water droplets fell across my body, though it took a few minutes, my limbs were warming and I could feel all muscles relax in contentment.
Following Emalina's moves, I grabbed my soap and lathered my hair, taking the time to scrub my scalp and sigh. Suds fell as I rinsed my shortened locks before I scrubbed the rest of my body, whether there was any kind of dirt or anything else, I made sure my skin was clean. It took no time at all to rinse the soap, but the heat of the shower was comforting, and very much needed.
Propping my hand against the woodened wall, my body fell forward, allowing the water to cascade down my back. I ultimately decided on a shower, heeding my friend's advice, but because I needed a moment of privacy, a moment where I could keep a secret to myself.
Being around Emalina was a gift, and lately, a curse. She was beautiful, attractive and a blessing to have in my life. Yet, since the moment I dropped in on her naked form during the drill in Trost, my desire has grown exponentially. Everywhere I turned, there was the woman I loved and the woman I physically desired. Sure, I'd noticed Emalina's feminine features throughout our training. Her beauty always come first, but I saw attractiveness in the tautness of her butt, the curvature of her waist, the width of her hips, the volume of her breasts. Altogether?
I saw the perfect woman.
The perfect woman who aroused me every second of every day.
Just imaging her face sent chills down my spine as my erection grew, the muscles tightening between my legs, the damn thing mocking me. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I grasped my member, squeezing my eyes shut as my hand thrusted up and down. Being a male, of course I've masturbated before and had my technique down; since this was the first time I would think of Emalina while playing with myself, I could already tell this felt different. This was pleasure unlike any I'd felt before.
And I was just thinking of her!
Fingers moved quickly, my breath immediately shortened into deep gasps as my head hung low. Encased in steam, the heat coated my body, increasing the pleasure erupting through my veins. Closing my eyes, Emalina appeared with my imagination, creating illusions of her in my mind, different fantasies I'd envisioned, and everything I wanted to do if we ever became one.
Emalina wearing nothing but the ODM gear straps.
Emalina kneeling before me with no clothing.
Emalina straddling my waist as I lay on my back.
But the one I wished for more than anything my mind conjured, was Emalina being held within my arms after we making love, content as we wrapped sheets around our naked frames while repeating 'I love you' before falling asleep.
"Oh god, Emalina..." I whispered through gritted teeth. Gripping my now weeping cock, pre-cm leaking over my fingers, my hold tightened around the head and thrusted my hips. "Oh god, oh god..." I continued to whisper. The coil of my lower abdomen had me standing on the tips of my toes and in mid breath, I choked, head flinging backwards as my hips jutted forward in spasms. Stream after stream of my seed burst past my fingers, coating my hand in sticky, white substance as I cried Emalina's name into the air, thankful I was alone.
Falling to my knees with chest heaving, my pleasure-filled state was relaxing, but with my hand covered with the essence of my orgasm, I was left feeling pathetic. Though my body did indeed feel good and pleasured, I didn't have the right to think of Emalina in such a manner and immediately regretted my actions.
Thinking back to the moment before we were interrupted, Emalina and I leaned closer and I swear, if Reiner and Bertholdt hadn't walked by, I would've grasped her shoulders and molded our lips together. My male friend's voice entered my head as the dream faded, reminding me that I needed to tell her the truth before entering the Military Police and she entered either the Garrisons or the Scouts. Reiner was right; Emalina would never admit it and deep down, even I knew she would never join their regiment.
"We really will be separated, won't we...?" I asked myself, suddenly wary that these next few months were probably the only once we had remaining. Gritting my teeth hard enough as blood filled my mouth, my semen-covered-hand smashed into the wall, head falling farther towards the shower drain. "God damnit!"
I'd been aiming to graduate within the Top Ten in the hopes of joining the Military Police since I decided in becoming a solider. Now? The future I now envisioned didn't consist of me within the Interior or living the posh lifestyle, knowing I was safe from the titans behind the inner wall. Emalina was my future, with the cottage, a small farm and a newborn baby in her arms. Yet I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
Would my future consist of Emalina? Or living safely and securely within the Interior?
I had these last few months of training to decide my future. Should I proclaim my feelings for Emalina, in the hopes we travel down the soldier path in the same wagon? Or let the two of us be, she walks her own path as I travel in a different direction? Kneeling on the tile floor, my mind wondered until it seemed to draw its own conclusion. There was one thing for sure, no way in hell would I leave Emalina's side.
It seemed my path for the future I'd originally planned just changed.
~ oOo ~
I hope everyone enjoyed. Expect the next chapter to be the last for the training arc!
Chocobocolina :3