I sighed as I sat down on the bench in the little corporate courtyard and pulled out my lunch. I tried to avoid spending too much time as Freakazoid! when I didn't need to and wasn't quite sure exactly how eating in my freaky form carried over. I mean, if she eats, I'm not starving when I turn back into myself, but it's probably healthier to eat most of my meals in my regular body. Right? Maybe? Well, it seems smarter, unless I have a good reason not to, at least. And it's a lot easier to have a quiet meal without being bothered by fans or strange police officers who never seem to actually be doing police stuff. Well, maybe I'm being unfair—it could be that whenever he has a break, he's immediately rushing off to hang out with a teenage girl. … Yeah, I'm just going to stick with the 'never does police work' option.
Of course, the downside to having lunch as myself is that I have time to think. About Madison, about Emma, and about how my freaking alter ego has a love life while my own is still waiting to be born. Ok, I guess I can deal with the last one—I'll find someone eventually, but how the heck am I supposed to feel about Amy? I mean, I've never even met her, but I remember going on a date with her and … wanting to kiss her. And making another date with her for Saturday night as Freakazoid!. The only saving grace about the whole thing is that at least it's unlikely I'll ever run into her as myself.
And then, confused feelings churning inside me, I stared at Amy as she walked across the courtyard and into the bank. I sighed deeply, bowed my head, and stared at the ground. Is my life a joke? Am I simply here for the entertainment of unseen observers? Because it's really starting to feel that way sometimes… No, I can't start thinking like that. Taylor needs to be the sane, rational one to balance her. I shuddered as I imagined what my life would be like without that anchor of sanity. No, time to face the world as the almost-adult you are, Taylor. Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and raise your head. Good. Wait, why is there a closed sign on the bank's doors and darkness behind its windows?
"All right, listen up," Tattletale said to the customers and staff standing to one side of the lobby, "we have a bit of business with this heavily insured bank. It has nothing to do with you, and if you're smart, you'll keep it that way. Just sit tight, don't get involved, and in fifteen minutes, you'll all be getting on with your day."
Suddenly the locked doors to the street burst open. "Amy!" Freakazoid! cried as she strode in and made a beeline for the girl in question, "are you all right? I saw you go into the bank, and when I looked again, it was all with the closed sign and the darkness, and I was really worried that something bad was happening inside!" She lowered her voice as she took Amy by the hands. "I'd feel really awful if anything happened to you and I'm really looking forward to our da—"
"Touching as this is," said Tattletale as she approached the couple, "we're kind of in the mi—"
Tattletale gave a little shriek as Freakazoid! suddenly whirled around, looming over her with fury in her eyes, veins bulging, and tendons corded in her neck. "HEY! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A TENDER MOMENT HERE! GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE WITH YOUR WORDS! AND SMUG ATTITUDE! AND 'WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING'S! WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY! HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING! WITH CREAM! YEAH, AND A NICE BISCOTTI! BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT AND YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE!"
Hastily backpedaling, the terrified villain gave way as the furious Freakazoid! advanced, her escape quickly reduced to a frantic crab walk as she tripped over her own feet and sprawled to the floor. Just as she thought it was the end for her, the hero abruptly turned around and gently took her girlfriend's hands, once again speaking softly to her. At that moment, Tattletale's brain managed to parse exactly what the other girl had been shouting at her. There's a nice espresso bar with excellent biscotti two blocks to the north, her power helpfully informed her.
Slowly rising to her feet, a hand clutching her pounding heart, Tattletale turned to her teammate Regent. "I… I'm going to check the deposit boxes. Make sure she doesn't try anything."
"Right," scoffed Regent, "like I'm going to mess with Freak the Impaler after you've already pissed her off."
"Damnit! Bitch, guard the heroes and the hos… bystanders, ok?" Once the husky woman in the dog mask came over with one of her enlarged dogs covered in bony plates and spikes, Tattletale wasted no time in vacating that part of the lobby.
"It's ok, Freakazoid!, I'm fine," Amy reassured her girlfriend with a hint of color on her cheeks, "and it's really sweet that you're so concerned, but don't you think you should focus on the villains robbing the bank?"
"Right!" exclaimed the blue hero with resolve, turning around and facing the villains, only to stop dead with a gasp at the sight of the giant beast before her. After a moment of frozen silence, she squealed and cooed, "Aww, you're just a good little boy, aren't you! With a scrunched up little face and those cute little eyes! You're just full of sweetmeats, aren't you!"
The giant dog turned an uncertain eye to his mistress as the hero started approaching, still cooing. "I just want to hug you and give you smoochies and squeeze the sweetmeats right out of you. That's right, I'm gonna—"
Bitch's left eye twitched once. "Brutus, hurt."
At the command, the giant dog lunged forward, catching Freakazoid! in his huge jaws and violently shaking her several times before sending her flying across the lobby to smash through the doorway to the back offices.
"Damnit, Bitch!" cried Grue as he rushed across the lobby, Tattletale close behind, "We're trying to avoid any fighting here!"
Stunned by the sudden violence, Amy just stared for a moment before she shook off her shock and started for the offices. But before she'd taken more than a couple of steps, her girlfriend walked through the broken doorway, looking no worse for the wear.
"You're a feisty little fellow, aren't you!" cooed Freakazoid!, heading straight back toward the giant dog. "Just full of sweetmeats and little doggy smoochies and—"
"Brutus, ki—"
"NO!" shouted Grue and Tattletale as they (mostly Grue) jumped their teammate.
"Freakazoid!," called Amy, "could I have a word?"
"Sure," the hero replied in a normal voice and walked over.
Amy placed a fingertip on the side of her girlfriend's neck. "Ok, you don't seem hurt. That's weird… Wait, how do you even… no, that's not important now. Freakazoid!, why—"
"You can call me Freakazoid, Amy," the hero said shyly.
Amy blinked. "... thank you. Freakazoid, strange obsession with the dog aside, why aren't you doing anything about the villains?"
"Amy, these villains are here to steal money. Now, as a hero, it is my duty to stop them from committing crimes, but starting a fight here, around all these innocent people, would risk someone getting seriously hurt. I know you're an amazing healer, but it's just not worth the risk over money. Especially if something were to happen to you."
"Awwww," sighed several nearby people, making Amy blush furiously.
Several yards away, the villain fight had broken up, and a somewhat battered Bitch was alternating glaring at Grue and in Freakazoid!'s direction. Tattletale gave a soft groan as Regent walked over to 'help' the situation.
"Hey, I know she's weird, but do you really want to pick a fight with a girl who took out Lung single-handedly?" At Bitch's blank look, he blinked. "You know, after the casino job? When she made a lamppost popsicle out of him? Uh... when she administered a steel suppository?"
He frowned at the unchanged blank look in his teammate's eyes, thought for a moment, then suddenly snapped his fingers. "You know, how they take temperatures at the vet—"
"NO!" cried Bitch as deafening yelps filled the room and the giant dogs crashed through the bank's windows and dashed down the street. "Brutus! Angelica! Come back!" she cried as she leaped after them.
"Those are our rides!" Tattletale growled at Regent as she ran out of the bank. The rest of her teammates quickly followed after her.
As the stunned bystanders stared after the fleeing villains, Amy turned to her girlfriend and incredulously asked, "Do things always turn out like this around you?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
The girl huddled against the door of the SUV, staying as far as possible from the hard-faced mercenary sitting next to her. As the SUV drove on, her abductor offered no words of comfort and she didn't try to speak to him. Eventually, the vehicle turned off the road and drove toward a metal garage door that opened before it.
"Arriving with package," the driver reported into a radio as the door closed behind them and they headed for a spot in the underground parking lot.
As the SUV pulled to a stop, the girl finally spoke softly. "89.4% chance I'll be better off with him."
"What was that?" demanded the mercenary sitting next to her.
The girl raised her head and looked over at him. "I said, 'Candlejack'."
When a squad of mercenaries cautiously approached the SUV 15 minutes later and opened the door, the vehicle was empty.