Chapter Fourteen
What Did We Lose and What Have We Gained?
A/N: I am so happy I was even able to update today! The screen of my computer's been breaking for the past year and finally a few days ago the screen actually cracked. I mean it freaking CRACKED! Thankfully my husband bought me a new computer; I love that man so much. Since I finished this chapter on a brand new computer (mind you, I switched from Windows to Mac, so everything on it is brand new to me!) please inform me of any errors. I no longer have Microsoft Word so the program I'm using is different and I'm just not used to it. But, there is big news!
Happy Birthday to me 3
Yes, today's my Birthday! So, here is a present for all my readers; thank you for all the reads and comments!
Songs for chapter: There is one song that is the overall theme, however there are two versions. There's a point where Emalina sings a song and it's in Norwegian, so please listen to the song version, which you can easily find on YouTube; the English translation is at the end of the chapter. The rest, please listen to the instrumental version. Both are amazingly beautiful!
- Two Steps From Hell "Compass" (Instrumental Version)
- Two Steps From Hell "Compass" (Song Version featuring Merethe Soltvedt)
Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me, I only own Emalina and any other OC's. The new story picture does not belong to me; I hold no Copyright and found the picture through Google Images.
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Jean
On the evening Trost District was attacked by titans, humanity had finally prevailed in obtaining its first victory. Somehow, Eren Jaeger came into possession of the ability to turn in a damn titan, and it was because of him we were able to plug the hole in the front gate. In that time, there had been unrest between the Military, the civilians, the government, and my friends. Merely two days had passed since our victory, the smell of blood and death forever burned into our senses. The decay of the dead filtered through every street, but it wasn't just the death of our comrades. On that day, Trost had perished as well, leaving me saddened knowing my city had been reduced to rubble.
It was a complete nightmare.
In following my orders from Emalina, I did as she asked, having dragged all the soldiers who crossed my path as I headed to the wall. They were instructed to remain there for safety since the Scout Regiment had returned. As promised, I ran back into the city in search of Emalina, who after having compromised with me, remained to remove as many titans as possible, all on her own. Nevertheless, the woman refused to quit and by the time I found her, Levi was protecting Emalina on a secluded roof, having fainted before I arrived. She was in no way able to continue the fight for her wound had definitely burst, leaving her bleeding profusely.
The woman would drive me insane, and still, I loved her so.
Luckily Carolyn, the same doctor, was available to manage her injury. Even she, a doctor, was surprised Emalina lasted as long as she had. Refusing to leave her side, the wound was replaced with new stitches and bandages; she was lucky the gash hadn't opened even more. Not long once the procedure was over, she opened her eyes, first questioning how everyone else was doing rather than herself. Having been instructed to endure the rest of the night in the bed, Ema groaned, preferring to be inside the city, helping those who she thought needed to more than her. Levi, who had been outside the tent the entire time, ordered her to rest, that she could help the following day. It was amusing watching the two argue; comforting in a way, knowing she acted the same with me as she did her brother.
And so, she rested. Neither one of us gained any sleep that night, our very dreams cursed with images of the real nightmare. This was my first experience with the titans and it fucking torn me apart; god only knew what Emalina had been through. We weren't ready to discuss what we suffered, only relieving such torment in the comfort of each other. She slept in the medical bed while I lay my head upon the sheets, curled in the most uncomfortable chair that managed to survive the attack.
Still, the next day was just as brutal. As titans become dormant at night, all remaining soldiers were able to rest their bodies and minds, before beginning the following morning at dawn. As instructed by Commander Pyxis, all the wall-mounted canons available released ammunition throughout the entire day, eliminating the titans by the wall. Any loose monsters in the city were eliminated by the Scouts. Eventually, we grew deaf to the sound of canon fire. And yet, we couldn't silence the screams of those we couldn't save.
Which suddenly made me think of Marco. We hadn't seen him since Eren filled the hole and I knew Emalina was missing him too.
When they were able, both Commander Pyxis and Commander Erwin, along with Levi, of course, visited Emalina, requesting to know how she received her injury. Having stayed by her side during both procedure and the initial recovery, I wasn't ignorant to the look her brother gave me when they were informed it was my gear that speared her side. Emalina provided the entire story, though I still felt responsible for her suffering. They, too, were astounded she was able to do all she did with such an injury though she scoffed their statements off. Commander Pyxis relayed the mission for the following day, and before he could tell Emalina she was to stay here, she demanded to be part of the cleanup.
Erwin and Levi knew they wouldn't be able to persuade her otherwise, with the Captain finally agreeing she could assist, as long as I stayed by her side. This shocked me, as the impression I'd been reading from the man people call "Humanity's Strongest" hadn't been the most positive since he returned. So, the following day, two days after Trost was attacked, all able soldiers were instructed to enter the district in preparation to clear the dead. In agreement, in had been made known Emalina and I would work as a pair, not to be separated at any given moment no matter what.
I will say this: witnessing the death of your comrades is one thing. Hoisting their dead bodies into carts to be buried in a mass fire was something entirely different. If there was a difference in how painful either were, I couldn't even state which would be worse. It was something I never wanted to see ever again, knowing full well that was a false dream which would never see the light of day.
Emalina's side had been packed with extra gauze, and as we walked down one street, she pushed on ahead while I lagged behind, running my eyes up and down the buildings to ensure there weren't any pieces we had missed.
As I walked with my glove-covered hands in the air, mouth and nose covered with a rag tired around my head, I could only count the seconds until we were granted our leave. No, I did not want to retrieve the dead, and no, I did not want to relive any near-death experiences we might've had. Ahead of me, I noticed Emalina frozen to the side of a building, head bent downward. Confused, I walked over to her, and the closer I grew, the more I was able to tell something was terribly wrong.
Her shoulders were shaking, and the sobs of her tears were crystal clear. Tentatively, my body appeared by her side, peering around to see her cheeks wet, stained with the rivers of her cries. She had even bitten her lip hard enough there was blood dripping down her chin.
"...Emalina? Hey, what's wrong...?" There was no answer, and when I decided to follow her line of sight, I instantly regretted ever doing so. For there was our best friend, the one who we hadn't seen in two days.
Marco Bodt.
Our freckled friend lay dead, curled against the building and the street, missing half his body and face.
Limbs beginning to shake, I couldn't control the unwanted tremor in my legs, the sudden desperation to run and forget what I'd discovered. Still, my voice desired to speak. "Oh n-no...is that...M-Marco...?"
Unable to withstand the shakiness of my arms, all I could do was stare at my glove-covered hands, contemplating in running or simply closing my eyes. Yet even staring at my hands didn't erase the decay of my best friend, for his opened, lifeless eyes peered up at me through the gaps between my fingers.
Emalina was completely frozen; the only movement being the steady stream of her crying. Seeing her tearful always unsettled me, knowing she was filled with a pain I couldn't remove on my own. Here we were, standing beside the dead, mangled body, rotting in the street and all we could do was stare. My mouth opened again, and instead of words this time, I choked a sob in my throat, ferociously looking around. I needed to know if someone saw something. Anything!
"If you have a name for this one, it'd be helpful to pass it along." Appearing before me was a lady dressed in a white medical gown with the same cloth covering her mouth. Barely recognizing she was there, I ignored her. In the moment, she was not important; I had to find who did this to Marco, to our best friend!
"I wondered where he was..." my mouth began to slip words, regardless if I wanted to speak or not. "But he's...he's not the sort of guy who would...No...Marco, w-what...happened?" Turning in a full circle, I noticed Emalina had lifted her head, though she still stared aimlessly forward. Forcing her eyes to look in my direction, I choke once more. The life she always held in her beautiful blue eyes was gone; the sparkle she had in all her emotions had vanished.
I needed to move Emalina, to get her away from this!
Loosely wrapping my gloved arm through hers, I slowly pulled Emalina with me; her body moved on its own accord, as if she had no clue what was happening and didn't car e."Somebody…no, anybody must've seen this...there's g-gotta be someone who saw...who did this – !"
"I need his name; we don't have time for this." By the woman's words, I had wanted to stop, but it was not my body that had done so. Curling her neck towards the woman, Emalina, wide-eyed, faced her. "Please, the both of you, it's been two days since we board up the hole in Wall Rose. That's too long; we're nowhere near accounting for all the dead. Unless these poor souls are dealt with soon, an epidemic is likely to break out; we're the first line of defense against a secondary disaster. We'll lament the fallen after we've done our job. Is that understood?"
Breathing unstable, I dared myself to stare at my friend once more, as this might be the last time we actually see him. "He...he was a member of the 104th Cadet Corp...captain of Squad Nineteen...His n-name is..."
"Marco Bodt."
Staring at Emalina, her voice was crumbled and broken. The name fell off her lips as if was, from now one, to only resemble the death of our friend, not his life. "Bodt..." She scribbled the information down onto her clipboard. "Dully noted. Thank you, cadets, I appreciate the help. Continue." Then she was gone. I watched her go until I felt Emalina move from my side. Kneeling next to the corpse, she shakily held a hand against the remaining cheek, stroking it carefully, unaware that he couldn't break anymore than he already was.
"O-Oh, M-M-Marco...We w-will...never forget you, our f-freckled f-friend." Sniffling, she bowed her head. There would be moments in our near future where she would need to cry over his death; right now, would be the most important. Kneeling, I expected Emalina to fall into me as she usually did when something was bothering her. Not this time. "This is all my fault..." her voice was inaudible, leaving me unable to hear.
"Ema...?"
"This is all my fault!" she restated harshly. Digging fingers into the palms of her hands, my friend released a heavy breath, shoulders racking with sobs. And then, all in the matter of seconds, she stopped, then stood to her feet. Moving several feet forward, she called over the closest cart, as she was limited in her work and unable to lift a human body.
"Y-You know that's not true...!" I called after her. Back to me, Emalina was distant, not allowing my words to reach her heart.
"Are you sure about that...?" she demanded softly. Moving over to her position, she sidestepped from the closeness I needed from her, avoiding my gaze all the while. "I'm sorry," she said delicately. "I-I...I just need some time..."
"Of course," was my immediate reply. I needed to hold her, to feel she was still alive, despite staring straight at the beautiful woman. Abstaining from holding or touching, I still moved to be by her side. In realizing my acknowledgement of her plight for no physical contact, Emalina accepted how I wanted to be by her side right now.
She needed her silence, while I needed her.
~ oOo ~
Morning, afternoon and evening; that was how long we rifled through the town, looking for the dead. Carts rolled back and forth carrying bodies. Some were intact, some with missing limbs. Some...were only carrying bits and pieces, if that.
As ordered, Emalina and I remained as pairs. She would help here and there because of her side; mainly she was able to discern what needed to be charted back, and what could stay in the street. Since discovering Marco, her silence overcame all her senses. Others who approached to speak with her were met with a blank stare and an inaudible voice, if that, as she even refused to open her mouth to acknowledge anyone. Each time, I jumped in to see what was needed, all the while the soldiers criticized, arguing she wasn't the only one to suffer from a loss.
And each time, I was the one to raise my voice in protection of Emalina. With Marco now gone, Sasha and I were the only ones who understood her silence and how delicate our friend would become. These fuckers had no idea all that she did during the attack. If anything, she was one of the few who deserved to remorse and grieve over all the death surrounding her.
By nightfall, we had constructed wooden burial pillars, with the bodies laid inside before igniting each one. There were so many bodies, I couldn't fathom to remember how many pillars were built before the burning of fire claimed each in its own array of destruction. People stood all around, mourning the loss of friends, comrades, hell, maybe even family. I could see those weeping, keeping their sorrow to themselves while others held onto those who managed to survive. To my side my eyes watched Connie fall to the ground, hands holding his head as he openly wept, watching the flames consume all in its path. The bodies we placed inside the wood were burning to a crisp, their faces destroyed, identities stolen; we would never be able to tell female from male or what their name had been.
Leaving my side, Emalina moved closer, the heat of the flames casting an ominous glow across her skin. She hadn't even spoken a word to her friends, leaving Sasha to stand by her side in silence as well.
I guess regrets the order of the day...Right about now, we're all wondering why the hell did we even put on this stupid uniform. Standing here watching our friends burn, how could we possibly think of anything else? Following her, we were soon shoulder to shoulder again, then I knelt to one knee. Taking hold from the pile of ash and burnt bones before me, I stared into my palm. Sorry Marco...I don't even know which of these bones are yours anymore. If I hadn't become a soldier, I would have never had to worry about who's next.
My memory was taken back to the night's Jaeger boasted about joining the Scout Regiment, how all the death and destruction would be meaningless if we didn't act on their sacrifice.
Then his face transformed into Emalina the night of our graduation, after our first kiss, with tears falling down her face as she had been too scared in telling me she wanted to join the Scouts. "Becoming a Scout means I can attempt, with everything in my power, to protect those I love. I'm joining the Scouts to protect you. Outside the walls, I plan to fight with all my strength and willpower, safeguarding the titans will never break through the wall and find you. Out there, I can keep those bastards at bay, knowing you are safe and alive inside the inner wall."
We have to fight. I know that's the right thing to do, but...I also know I'm not a suicidal maniac like he is. I believe in Emalina's reason. From day one, all she's wanted to do was to protect her friends, those she grew to love after her parents died. If joining the Scouts means I'd have a better chance at protecting those around me, then...I'd never had to fear of losing Emalina the way we lost Marco.
"Promise me you're not gonna take this the wrong way, but I don't think you're a good leader cause you're strong. I think it's because you know what it means to be weak. You're one of us, scared out of your mind just like we all are. It makes you alert, sympathetic."
Marco's words from when we were refueling in HQ entered my mind. Clear as day, as if I had been sucked back into that moment, my best friend was real was more. He and Emalina were so adamant I was meant to be a strong leader; in being weak, I was able to empathize with my comrades, to recognize and acknowledge their pain, their struggle. Sadness consumed me. Was there really any other word for it? My best friend fucking died, having half his body chewed off by a blasted titan and I wasn't there to do a damn thing about it...!
Clenching the bone fragments tightly, I slowly stood. Body wavering, all I could do now question everything I once knew. So...what am I going to do now? For now, I was to listen. Beside me, suddenly taking me and all others by surprise, she took hold of my hand. Emalina, the most beautiful, special, compassionate, supportive, caring, courageous, strongest woman I knew – besides my own mother – began to sing. And the woman only sang when something affected her so deeply, having no other means to express the despair in her heart.
Du kan om du vil
Ingen kan ta ditt valg
Bare plante tvil
Det er så mange veier å gå
Mange mål som kan nåes om du våger
Å tro på at du har det som skal til
Vi har alle tvil
Spørsmål om valg
Er dette det du vil
Det er så mange hensyn å ta
Mange strenger som drar hver sin retning
Frykten for feiltrinn kan mørklegge alt
Vi har alle tvil
Men det vakreste du har
Er et lys som skinner klart
Og det bor det inne i deg
Et kompass som lyser opp din natt
De vet ingenting
De har ingen svar
Det er det kun du som har
Det er så mange veier å gå
Mange mål som kan nåes om du våger
Å tro på at du har alt som skal til
Vi har alle tvil
Men det vakreste du har
Er et lys som skinner klart
Og det bor der inne i deg
Et kompass som lyser opp din natt
For det vakreste du har
Er et lys som skinner klart
Og det bor det inne i deg
Et kompass som lyser opp din natt
Her voice cannot be compared to any other I've heard. It was clear and pure, smooth as liquid, the words wrapping around me ears, enveloping me to focus only on her. The song itself was mystifying, hauntingly beautiful in a language I doubted anyone heard before. Ignoring all the wondrous stares falling upon her, Emalina gazed aimlessly into the fire, ever hoping her words would bring peace to the departed.
"That was...beautiful, Ema."
Assuming she would persist in her silence, the woman continued to surprise me when she curled into my waist, arm hugging mine as she placed her head against my shoulder. "T-Thank you, Jean..."
"May I...ask where the song is from...?"
"This i-is a very special song. It has no name, being something passed down within my family. At least, from...what my father used to tell me. Back home, w-we would sing this at every funeral, regardless of who died. In..." Sniffling, she cleared her cheeks before moving her head around to gaze upward at me. Taking her hand in mine, I squeezed as she did the same. "In memory of those we could not save, this is how I wish to pay my respects."
"And respect you gave them, Emalina. I'm sure they were all listening to your voice. I know..." It was now my time to stop, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I know Marco was standing by us the entire time."
"I think so too, Jean." Though it was weak, she was able to lift her lips, the lopsided smile so adorable I just had to kiss her head. We grew quiet for a moment, ever watching the flames. The fire was official, a signal to demonstrate our promotion from Cadet to Soldier. Gathering the dead and observing their burial would, from now on, be a part of our every day life. Who knew if I would be able to handle another situation as this in the future?
All that mattered was protecting this woman wrapped in my arms.
"...Jean?"
Rubbing my hands up and down her arms, I hummed in my throat. "Yes, Ema?"
"I…umm, we-…" She was struggling to speak and I stayed quiet, waiting for her to finish when she was ready. "You, Marco and I made this promise when we were t-training...that we would always stay together, no matter where we w-went for a regiment. Can y-you p-please…promise m-me…I can't…Marco's gone and I…I can't lose you too…!"
"Shhh, hey..." Wrapping her fully into my chest, I held her back to the flames, removing her sight from such darkness. She would continue to see such atrocities in her future, and there was nothing in my power I could do to prevent the turmoil she would feel, the hurt she was doomed to experience. If I could momentarily hide her sight from such misery, I would do just that. "Emalina Varlen, I'm scared too...this...it's scary, I completely understand...But I need you to listen to me." Cupping her cheeks so softly, I feared she was going to break before me and I feared in losing her too.
Her blue eyes were beginning to shine once more. Their sparkle wasn't the same as it had been, yet who could blame her? "As much as I want to coat my words with sugar and say I'll never leave you...Emalina, we both know there is always the chance that...I..." Taking a deep breath, I didn't want to say it, but it needed to be spoken. "I won't always be here," and she nodded at my statement.
"I know..." Placing her hands over my own, she attempted in smiling again. "Remember that day I started training everyone with Freyja? And that night Marco took me to the lake for my surprise?" I nodded, recalling that night perfectly as it was the same evening she trusted us to learn of her parents and the first time the titans attacked. "Marco, he...he told me that I'd lose you and him regardless, then asked if I would rather lose you while by your side than from pushing you away." Thumb brushing over her flushed cheek, she widened her eyes, desperately seeking the answer to her unspoken question.
"Forget the fact I could die at any time because I will NEVER leave you, Emalina Varlen. Nothing in this world could force me to leave your side. You are officially stuck with me for life."
With those choice in words was I able to pull a short-lived giggled from her wondrous lips. "Thank you," she whispered, kissing the edge of my hand. Repeating the same words over and over, I simply hugged this broken woman. With any form of grief, it would take time to overcome the hardness of losing a loved one. No matter, I would be Emalina's rock, preventing the harsh wind of this world from damaging her than what it already had.
"If it's alright with you, I-I'd like to head to my room. I need to get away from...this," she glanced back at the flames, curling tighter into my arms. Nodding, I watched her walk off into the darkness. Our friends followed her path as well, all at once eyeing me when Emalina was no longer in sight. Opening my palm to see the bones fragments were spared from further breakage, a sob was able to escape my lips. Seeing Emalina cry the way she had it was like she cried for the both of us.
"Hey guys, question for you." Taking my friends by surprise, they all momentarily overlooked the funeral pyre. Facing them, their looks were all the same: solemn and filled with nothing but questioning how they survived while others were less fortunate. The damn lump in my throat returned, causing a strain in my voice. If I wasn't careful... "So have you decided yet? Which regiment you're going to join? I've made my choice. I-It'll be rough, but..." There it was. Holding my clenched fist up to eye-level, the same holding the bones, I clenched my free hand around the wrist. Shaking uncontrollably, this was my vow, a promise to myself I'd keep until I died. "...damnit! I'm gonna join the Scouts!"
They were all quiet.
Mmm, scratch that. Quiet doesn't describe the silencing spell I seemed to have cast upon them.
"N-No...Jean, there's...you can't be serious…!" Sasha was the first to speak, to which I only nodded, not wanting to trust my voice. Next thing, all my friends began stating the same notion, disbelief how I, of all people, was to join the Scouts.
Laugh and joke all you want; my mind is made up. And there's not a damn thing you can do to change my decision. Blinking, I was slapped in the face with an unexpected realization. Was this how Emalina felt the night she told me she was joining the Scouts and I wanted to change her mind?
"Hold up a minute." Reiner butted through all the different voices speaking at once. "Jean, does Emalina know you're joining too?" Now his statement had everyone quieted down, their thoughts turning to our female friend.
"No," I said. "She does not. And...I would appreciate if everyone could keep this quiet. I don't want her to find out until the day we pick."
"Now why would you wanna do that?" Ymir questioned, her fist planted firmly on her cocked hip.
"Because...c'mon, we all know Ema. She would try to talk me out of it. I don't want her to know until I'm officially a member."
"That's kinda cruel, Jean," Bertholdt stated.
"Yeah, I know," my eyes fell to the ground. "I'll face the consequences when she does find out. But this is my choice...and no one can talk me out of it."
They fell silent once more.
"Jean?" Glancing at Sasha, she stepped forward, gently grasping my fist still holding the bone fragments. "If I may...are you joining because of what we all experienced? Or is it because of Emalina?"
Patting her hand, Sasha lifted an eyebrow. "I'll let you figure that out on your own, Potato Girl."
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Emalina
Having left my friends behind, my feet were the ones to guide me through the Trost outskirts. As the Commander hadn't allowed any civilians back into the district to return home, all soldiers, too, weren't allowed back to Headquarters. We had been provided temporary tents until the city could be cleaned enough to become hospitable once more, which wouldn't happen until after the cadets had chosen their desired regiment. Since I would be leaving for the Scouts in a few days, the tent was an acceptable living situation compared to what it could be.
There were civilians here and there, with the streets bare except for soldiers patrolling what remained. There were groups gathering for supplies, some discussing the next process for Trost, and others lounging around drinking alcohol, suffering from their own version of mourning. My boots thudded against the stone then crunched as I moved from cobblestone streets to grass, making heading to the designated area for the soldiers. It didn't seem to matter. All the soldiers were elsewhere, no one wanted to sleep; there was no way the they'd gain any rest, not after...not after everything.
"There was so much death..." I found myself talking to no one other than myself. "You have to risk death in order to live..." Was I still to believe in such words? I knew they were true. And yet, would death always be the price to be paid in desiring to live? I''d seen death firsthand, so why was this still so hard. "Marco didn't deserve his early death."
Marco.
Oh my amazing friend who shared freckles just as I...It's all my fault. I'm the one who sent you to your death! It was by my orders no one was to retreat when Eren had the boulder. If only I had you stay by my side! Or – or if we had stayed together in a closer group, I could've saved you! By god...it's all my fault.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry Marco Bodt.
You deserved a better friend than I, you were always too good a person. You held such a pure heart with that smile on your face and the way you always tried to stop Jean from getting into more trouble. All you wanted was to join the Military Police and serve the King...I took your dream away. I took everything away...!
"Emalina."
In opening my eyes, I hadn't realized they were even closed. The night was still black so there was no telling if time had even passed. Blinking into the darkness, the voice who called my name gradually formed into a body. The figure was blurry; the person spoke my name again and I was able to discern it was Levi. Crying out as I gripped the sides of my head, I repeatedly whispered "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Curling his arms under my body, my brother stood; it took a moment for me to acknowledge I had somehow curled against the edge of a building. When had I done so? I couldn't recall a damn thing!
Whimpering, I snuggled into his chest, weeping into the Levi's cravat as he slowly moved us through the darkness. Rubbing a hand along my back, he made me think of my mother who would do the same action whenever I was upset. Damnit, just thinking of my mother made me want to cry harder! Forcing myself to ignore the outside world, Levi pulled aside a cloth opening, laying me gently onto a bed I assumed was mine. Prying my hands away when he stood, Levi grabbed the only chair in my tent, placing it right next to my head as he sat, instantly running his fingers through my hair.
"Tell me what happened," short, not sweet and straight to the point. That was the man my brother was.
Hiccupping, I stayed quiet, not wanting to speak of my failure while knowing it should be spoken out loud. This was a personal lesson I struggled with through the three years of training. I had to thank Jean and Marco, for they had been extremely patient in waiting for me to gather the courage when needed to express myself. And each time grew easier and easier until it became natural for me to do so.
"M-M-Marco..." Choking, my body curled into a ball, palms shoved deep into my eye sockets as I wailed. The shriek escaping my lips penetrated the quietness of my tent, resonating through the entire camp.
As soon as it was released, I was stopped almost immediately; warmth spread through me as Levi engulfed me tightly.
"Hush, Emalina..." Stroking my hair, the man did nothing else, waiting the moment to pass. I needed this; I needed to vent, to scream, cry, shout, any and everything. It wouldn't matter. Nothing could erase the fact my best friend was no longer of this world. "Emalina...do you remember the day I rescued you? When you woke up in Headquarters in a crying fit because you lost your parents?" I nodded. "Remember, it's ok to cry for the one's you lost. Those were the words I spoke to you that night. Don't you ever forget that it's alright to become emotional when you lose someone dearly."
Gripping his arms, I never wanted to let go. Slowly, my mind was reverting back to what it once was: scared and deathly afraid to lose anyone else. Who else was destined to be removed from my life?
"Who was it?" Levi's voice was so soft, I don't think he had ever spoken to me in such a tone before.
Gulping, I remained still, having to collect both my thoughts and mindset just to answer. A fresh wave of tears was evident, but I didn't need to scream, one was apparently enough. Lips quivering as a whimper escaped, I managed to stutter his name. "My b-best friend...M-Marco."
At the sound of his name, my limbs shook, Levi taking notice, holding me tighter. A voice from beyond my tent called for my brother, who seemingly ignored the call. Not receiving an answer, they spoke louder, causing my brother to growl. Gently laying me back on the bed, he stepped out for a moment, speaking to the individual, then made his way back towards me. "Shorty...I wish I could stay longer..."
"I know."
Leaving a kiss upon my head, he slowly laid me onto the bed, stroking my cheek. "If I didn't have to attend the hearing for this titan boy, you know I'd stay here, right?"
"I know..."
"I'll see you after the Regiment Choosing." Reaching for his hand at the last second, Levi smiled down at me as I weakly tried to copy. It was an utter failure, but seeing my brother smirk had my heart feeling a tiny bit better. But just a tiny bit.
Watching him leave, I repositioned the pillow underneath my neck in a comfortable position, praying to achieve even a minimal amount of sleep to recover. Blinking several times, my eyes squinted when the torches from outside displayed two shadow figures. One was Levi, I knew for certain; I had no clue who the other was. Maybe it was the individual who called for him.
"She's in here," I could hear Levi mutter. If the other person spoke, their words were lost, only my brother's responses could be heard. "Jean, right?" Huh? Jean's here? "Look, you and I are going to have a little chat soon; even I can tell there's something going on between you two. Absolutely no funny business, got it?"
I could hear the crunch of Levi's boots growing fainter as he walked away, leaving the secondary person to enter by stepping through the cloth door. It was Jean, who headed straight for the bed, taking hold of my hands while falling to his knees. "Jean..."
"Ema...my Ema...are you alright?"
My Ema...nearly squealing at the choice of his words, my face remained impassive, heart beating irregularly, knowing full well I couldn't enjoy something so sweet. "I'm better," was an honest lie. No way in fucking hell was I perfect; absolutely not. The scream, my crying and being with Jean and my brother was enough. And that's all I wanted right then. "It's still...fresh..."
"I know," he kissed my temple. "I know..." Rubbing the skin near my forehead, Jean brushed aside strands of hair that didn't want to stay out of my eyes. "Hey, let's get your gear off. You need some sleep, ok?"
"No," I shook my head.
"...no?"
"You're gonna leave if I fall asleep and...and I don't..."
"Oh Ema..." Kissing the tip of my nose, he still stroked my skin. "I never said anything about me leaving. Do you...mind having me sleep in bed with you?" Soaking his words, I was left speechless, slowly nodding my head as the entire skin of my face burned. Smirking the instant he saw my lips curve upwards, the male grabbed my hands and helped in straightening my back. Wrangling the boots off my feet, I stood to remove the leather harness and my jacket, placing the items atop the chair. Copying my movements, Jean did the same.
"This is gonna be uncomfortable..." I mumbled.
"How so?" he raised in eyebrow.
"I-I..." Nibbling on my thumb, I wasn't sure to speak or not, until Jean pulled my finger away, waiting for my response. In a small, very hushed voice, I muttered, "I don't like wearing pants to bed..."
"That's ok," he replied. Turning around, Jean took a large step forward. "If it'll help you sleep, take them off."
"B-B-But...!"
"No buts, Ema, I want you to be comfortable. Just tell me when you're under the covers, alright?" Swinging my vision from the back of his head, to the bed, then back to Jean, my heart fluttered. My stomach fluttered; everything fluttered. Here was Jean who I loved unconditionally, who said it was fine for me to take my pants off and sleep in my underwear, who would then occupy the same bed as I while only wearing my shirt and underwear. Him...I...we...?! UGH! It didn't help at the fact I wasn't flustered about being ok with sleeping in my underwear next to him. Ohhhh no; I was embarrassed because the man turned his back. I suddenly wanted more!
Fuck it.
"Uh, w-well...Is there really a point in you giving me privacy? Y-You can..." His shoulders instantly tensed, still refusing to glance back. Besides, what the hell was I even doing?! This conversation was definitely distracting me from thinking of a certain freckled male, yet why this? Why was I suggesting I give Jean the opportunity to watch me undress?!
Admit it, Emalina Varlen. You've wanted to see him naked since he saw you during the evacuation drill.
But...!
Plus...who has imagined Jean shirtless from swimming to assist with a little – AHEM! – certain pleasure at night...?
God damnit...it's true. I'd been wanting the man for so long. Now was undeniably NOT the best time to do so, yet now that's all my mind was thinking of. "I-I-I, well you see...Jean you've practically already seen me naked, and...!"
"Are you suggesting..." He twirled around slowly, to which I noticed he refrained from rotating his waist down. Oh god. "I watch you...undress?"
"A-Ahh! I-I don't know?" My voice squealed with my words. Feeling Jean's lips on my cheek, he smiled down at me. We were still suffering from our loss; in this moment, we overlooked Marco not being here. It wasn't the ideal situation to be in as it was embarrassing, except it was natural, and had me fighting to suppress a smile.
"Not tonight," he whispered in my ear. "But I promise you this...when the time is right, and most importantly, when you are ready, trust me...I'll watch you remove these clothes. Better yet," another kiss to the opposite cheek. "I will be the one to take them off," and then a kiss on my lips as he replaced his front for his back to face me once more.
Inhaling and exhaling, I couldn't believe the boldness of what I'd just done. And then he...In the future...when I'm ready...? HE'LL remove my clothes?!
Exasperated, my pants were swiftly taken off, placed with the other items along with my bra; hell no was I sleeping with that damn contraption on at night. No way, no how. Laying on the bed and placing the blanket over my waist, with only my undies and bloodied shirt covering my bare naked form, I cleared my throat. "Y-You're good..."
Smiling softly as he moved to lay next to me, I held my hand up. "Won't you be uncomfortable if your stay in your pants too?"
"I'll be fine Ema, it's alright."
"N-No, that's not right Jean. It's really ok, I want you to be comfy too, we both need the rest." Gazing deeply into my eyes, I questioned if he was looking for any sign I would regret this later; he wouldn't find any. This night would be awkward, however, I found myself not caring. It wasn't like Jean was a complete stranger; I trusted this man with my life. Sighing, the male complied. Standing, I turned my head and closed my eyes, waiting for him to do as I did. The sound of his zipper and the swoosh of his bottoms left my legs squeezing together.
His weight dipped the bed as my eyes glanced at him with the blanket covering his lower half, just like mine. Folding into the bed, we lay our heads onto the pillow, staring at one another. And that's all we did.
Was that Jean's breathing becoming quicker?
Or mine?
"Hey." Looking up, Jean moved hair away from my face. "Close your eyes and get some sleep. I'll be right here." Complying, I curled into his body, wishing and waiting for my mind to be swept off into the land of slumber, where I could momentarily escape the nightmare of our reality.
The thing is, sleep never came. Not once.
Rolling to my opposite side, I sighed. Here we were, both in our in our underwear – Jean having removed his shirt – and me without a bra. Granted, my chest wasn't all that spectacular, though I honestly didn't care. Shouldn't I be a bit more nervous? Jean's seen me practically naked and I've seen him bare when we've gone swimming, so what was the difference now? Still, it was nice. Except, there was one problem.
Annoyance crossed my face as the darkness covered my vision. It didn't feel that long since Jean crashed. How nice. HE can fall asleep and I can't? At this rate, I'll still be awake by the time the damn sun rises! Rubbing my eyes, I groaned, still annoyed and frustrated. Seriously, what the hell? All I wanted to do was sleep! "Come on!" I snapped quietly, my irritation rising. All my limbs were becoming restless; my arms wrapped around the spare pillow, my legs bent then straightened out numerous times.
"You can't sleep either..."
"...not at all," I grumbled.
"Alright, Jean to the rescue." Feeling his body shift, Jean scooted himself closer to me, his arms encasing me close as I was fit perfectly against his own frame. Arms held securely around my front, I clasped his hands, pulling his fingers close to kiss each one. "Does this help?"
"Mhm, more than you know. Why couldn't you sleep?"
"Because there's this amazing girl next to me and she's really distracting. Ow!" Pinching his skin, Jean's words still had me chuckling.
"She must be something else if she's keeping you awake."
"Heh, yeah, something like that," he murmured, lips falling into my hair as they dropped closer to my ear. "You see, she's pretty special to me."
"Oh really. How special?"
"Well, let's see...This girl...She's become my best friend, the closest I've ever been with another female. We trained together as cadets, she liked to kick my butt when I was in the wrong, she taught me how to correctly ride a horse. Did I say she's amazing with horses? By god, her skill is unlike anything I've ever seen."
Inhaling deeply, his warm breath electrified my skin as I scooted closer against him.
"In three words: I love her. This girl has become my entire world," his arms tightened on the last word. "She graduated at the top of our class and fucking deserved the spot. We had some trouble in the beginning of our friendship as I said something stupid and hurt her feelings. I promised to never again say something without knowing the truth. This girl, we soon became fast friends and before long, she trusted me enough to explain her past and how her parents were killed. How she survived and lived with the Scouts has inspired me since learning it all. She is an inspiration and the reason I have pushed myself even harder to become a soldier."
I was glad to be facing the wall. We'd had small talks here and there since the attack about our feelings. But even the night of graduation, Jean hadn't stated such words about me. I...never knew this is what he thought of me.
"Emalina...I love you, more than I can express. I love your beauty, your hair, the sparkle in your wonderfully blue eyes...more importantly, I love how you care. You never give in, you always have time for others, and you just...you're not afraid to be you..."
Fucking Jean, I thought, managing to clear my eyes. Twisting within his arms, I kissed the man's lips softly. "What did I do to deserve a man like you?"
"I could ask you the same," he looked down at me lovingly. The way his eyes only softened towards me had my insides melting like butter. He was just too damn handsome.
"Heh, well. You told me about this girl...wanna hear about this guy I know?"
"I do."
"Well, he's incredibly smart, but doesn't give himself enough credit. He tends to not believe in himself and that saddens me because he's capable of achieving much greatness. He's the strongest person I know and even taught me skills with ODM I hadn't learned. In the beginning he was kind of a prick, boasting about his skills and wanting the interior life in joining the MP's; but I saw right through him. This guy was scared of getting close to anyone, afraid in believing those around him would make fun of his decisions. I've supported him since day one a-and I will s-support him no matter what he chooses..." The water works were starting and I clamped my lips shut to prevent anymore sadness to escape. If Jean was to join the Military Police, I would support his decision and be happy.
"Emalina..."
"He's the reason I'm not so scared in trusting others, helping me to understand I need to experience life regardless of when I'll lose those I love. He's protected me from people trying to attack me, always trying to put a smile on my face. My life would be bleak without this man and I am...so thankful he has decided to have me by his side. I wouldn't ask for a better man; never mind the fact he is extremely handsome and the haircut he has is oh so sexy." Giggling, I think my last words surprised Jean as he looked positively startled. "Your copper-blonde hair, golden eyes, that devilish smirk...Jean, I was entranced the moment we laid eyes on each other during Initiation. I know there is so much more I can say; just know I love you with all my heart."
Crushing his lips onto mine, a squeal leaked past our mouths. Passion enthralled our tongues as I pulled the man even closer if that was possible; any closer and our bodies would melt into one. Our tongues battled, lips moving in sync as my hands crawled into his hair, whist his held my back firmly. It was heaven, those lips of his. His heat encompassed every inch of my skin, leaving me hot, bothered and wanting nothing more than to become one with this man.
"You're mine, Emalina. I could never love another, because they would never be able to compete with your beautiful soul."
Those were the last words I heard that night, lulling me straight into a blissful slumber where all I dreamed of was the future I wished to have with Jean. No nightmares were able to enter, for I knew Jean held me tight all night long, forever to protect me from the darkness.
~ oOo ~
Point of View
Jean
In the days since burying our comrades, we had been busy day-in and day-out. Cleaning the city as much we could, the civilians were gradually allowed to enter, some able to return to their homes while others completely lost their belongings. Our friends stuck together and we worked diligently. With the fallen having found peace – all thanks to Emalina's song – we were able to push forward, focusing on the regiment of our choice. The ceremony had been postponed considering the circumstances and would resume once everything was in order and the Garrisons no longer needed the assistance from the Scouts.
Interestingly enough, the morning we were to choose our regiment, all cadet soldiers were gathered together, instructed to bring our ODM gear and paperwork regarding maintenance and usage. We were informed the two test subjects captured by the Scouts had been killed during the night, and it couldn't have been done without military ODM equipment.
As we all stood diligently waiting while several soldiers from the Military Police walked through and spoke with the cadets one-by-one. They asked about any changes on the cadet's paperwork to see if it matched with theirs regarding their equipment. So far it seemed everything was in order as they only stopped for a few moments per cadet. Within the hour, the group Emalina and I were sectioned off to was dismissed, the culprit having not been with us. The rest of the day was free, so we sauntered through Trost doing whatever help we could assist but were told by the higher-ups to relax; they believed we had done enough and deserved at least some rest.
In deciding what to do until night fell, Emalina suggested we look for my mother and I couldn't agree more, seeing as I needed to visit her before we left. In finding the Garrison overseeing the re-development of Trost, we asked if my mother had passed through and where she currently was. As the Garrisons were now keeping a record of civilians who returned to their home within the wall or were now homeless, he was able to find my mother's name, stating she headed home. Moving quickly within the wall, we made it to my childhood home to find it nearly intact. I was confused in thinking my house was fairly unscathed besides a few nicks in the stonework; other than that, it was perfectly fine!
Knocking on the familiar door, my mother answered, eyes crinkling as she gazed upon me, unharmed and alive. "J-Jean...? Oh my god, Jean!" Throwing her arms around me, my jacket became soaked, her sobs ringing in my ear as I held her close. Refusing to say anything, I let my actions speak for itself as I didn't let her go. "You saved him..." I heard my mother mumble. Releasing her arms from me, she replaced my body with Emalina's, who quickly returned the hug as well. It still amazed me the relationship these two already shared; if anything, I loved how they were comfortable around each other.
"Thank you, thank you! You kept your promise; you brought my son home!"
"I refused to leave without him," she answered, wiping my mother's cheeks as they smiled.
"Oh goodness, I can't believe – ! Please, please come in!" Shuffling us inside, we took our seats at the dining table as my mother gathered three different cups, all filled with tea. Claiming her seat, she merely watched us as I sat silent while Emalina slowly sipped her hot beverage. "I'm so glad you two are safe...I've been worried sick thinking something happened to you. They wouldn't give us the name of the dead so I had no idea – !"
Clasping my hand over hers, I squeezed. "Mom, it's alright. Trust us, there was nothing we wanted to do more than come find you. It's been a long week..."
"I can see, sweetie. You both look so tired."
"We are," Emalina offered a small smile. "We played a pretty big role during the mission to save the city."
"Tch, don't you mean yourself?"
"Not just me, Jean. It took all of us to pull of that mission."
"And whose orders were I following? I mean, you're the one who was made Squad Leader."
"You were made Squad Leader?!" My mother's eyes sparkled with fascination.
"Mhm!" Emalina's smile widened. She didn't want to boast about the ordeal, but I was damn proud about my Ema, and she should be too. "Commander Pyxis was the one to assigned me."
"Wow," my mother was simply amazed. Watching the to interact, I leaned my hand against a palm, enjoying their discussion. "How'd you come to know the Commander of the Garrisons?"
"I mean, I knew of him, and had met him before. I'm more acquainted with the Scout."
"Really?"
"They're actually the reason I became a soldier." Tilting my head, my mother wanted to know more, but knew better than to ask directly. "I told you last time how...my parents were killed by the titans? Well, the Scouts were the one's who rescued me when I ran here, to Trost. Since I had no family and no where to go, Commander Erwin allowed me to stay with them if I did errands and helped around. When they left for their expeditions, I stayed with the Garrisons and came to know several members."
"Sweetie...you are incredibly brave."
"You think? Because I...I don't think I am."
"Brave and stupid tend to fall under the same category sometimes," I entered the conversation, my lips smirking mischievously. "I mean, you were the one to keep fighting the titans even though you opened your wound and fainted from blood loss."
"Jean!" Slapping my hand, my mother shook her head, realizing my words then glared at Emalina and lectured her too. "Emalina!"
Laughing behind her hand, Emalina grinned at us both. "Actually, I agree with Jean on that one. It's true, I was hurt earlier in the day and needed stitches, which opened when we were fighting titans."
"Oh goodness. You can't do that, sweetie!"
"I know, I know!" Emalina held her hands defensively in front of her. "But...I don't regret anything. I was able to save more lives because I pushed through."
Sniffling, we both stared at my mother who dragged a cloth over her eyes. "I'm so incredibly proud of you both." Gripping one of my hands and one of Emalina's, she switched her gaze between both of us. "I won't ask to hear the details of what happened; I can tell it is painful and understand if it's something you'd rather keep private. All I know is that you're both alive and well. I-I'm just so h-happy!"
Her sniffling was the only noise in the small dining room as we stayed quiet. I wanted to see my mother smile. I had been rough on her growing up, having taken out my anger on her when my father left; she never deserved it. My mother had always been an amazing mom, working hard to give what I needed and was supportive when I wanted to join the military. Hell, having barely met Emalina during the evacuation drill, my mother took her in no problem. Reaching across the table to grab Emalina's hand, she seemed to understand what I wanted to say and nodded with a smile.
"Hey, mom? I think I know something that'll make you even happier." Cleaning her nose, she lowered her hands to find my hand linked with Emalina's. Gasping, she covered her heart, stunned to know what this meant. "Mom, you've already met Emalina, but have you met this wonderful woman who has stolen my heart?"
"Oh, Jean!" Shaking my head, I peered at Emalina to see that both she and my mother squealed the same words. "Y-You don't mean...?" I nodded, kissing the back of Emalina's hand for emphasis. "Oh my! And you, Emalina? You truly...? And my son...?!"
"Hehe, yes Mrs. Kirschtein. I love your son very much and wouldn't want to live in this world without him – ! Screaming, my mother burst from her chair to run around the table, wrapping each arm around our necks to pull against her waist.
"First I find out both my son and his best friend survived only then to discover they love each other?! I am the luckiest mother in the world!" Grinning, I kissed my mother's cheek as she sat back down.
And that was how we spent the afternoon well into the early evening. Avoiding the topic of the titan attack, we all held the conversation, but my mother still wanted to know more about Emalina. Throughout our stay, I would glance out the window to ensure we had enough time before the ceremony would commence. The sun had gradually set, casting a warm orange glow across the devastated city, sparkling the sections that hadn't been destroyed. It would take some time before Trost had a chance to reclaim its former glory.
"Alright," I interrupted the two as they halted, looking at me in confusion. "Unfortunately, we have to get going, the ceremony will be starting soon."
Glancing outside as well, Emalina shook her head, finally noticing the time. "You're right! Oh goodness...before we leave, may I use your restroom?"
"Of course, dear. You remember where it is, right?" Waiting until Emalina was out of range to hear my mother speak, she continued with speaking me while we waited. "I am so happy for you, Jean-boy; Emalina is a remarkable young woman."
"She is mother, more than you know."
"Good, very good. Just make sure to take care of her. You both are joining the Military Police, aren't you? You said she graduated at the top of your class."
My head shook, scared to admit to my mother which regiment I was to join. "No, she's actually joining the Scouts."
"Huh? Oh my!"
"That's been her goal since training. She knows everyone in the regiment and kinda has a personal vendetta against the titans."
"Hm," my mother glanced at the stairs. "I can understand that...but, what about you, Jean? You're still joining the Military Police, aren't you?"
Sighing greatly, I took hold of her hand. "No, not anymore. I am...joining the Scouts too..." Preparing to be smacked or yelled at, my neck tensed, eyes shut tightly; yet nothing happened. My mom didn't yell and my head wasn't hurting. In opening my eyes, my mouth fell to see her smiling. "Wait, you're...not mad?"
"I'm not mad sweetie. In fact, I am extremely proud of you. I never liked the thought of you joining the Military Police, but supported you because that's what you want to do. But are you joining because she is?"
"Yes and no...Emalina and I...our best friend Marco died in the attack and, I..." Taking a deep, I grabbed my mother's hand again. In leaving for the Scouts the next day, we wouldn't see each other for some time. This woman needed to know I loved her and am thankful for everything she has provided me. "Emalina has her personal reasons for joining, but one of those is something I've come to agree with these past few days: to fight in order to protect those you love and care for. She doesn't want to see anymore death; and if we want to stop the death, we have to fight the titans."
Standing, my mother hugged my shoulders, her lips landing atop my head. "Jean…sweetie, I am...so, so sorry."
"It…it's hard. Emalina is suffering more because she blames herself; regardless, we'll be alright. She's emotionally strong, and she's helped me so much. We'll get through this together."
"My baby," she squealed, pulling me into another hug. "Goodness, when did you grow up?!"
"Ugh! M-Mother...!"
"Aww, you two are adorable." Walking down the stairs, Emalina had a large smile upon her lips as she noticed our hug. "Well, you ready? It's now or never."
"Yeah," I mumbled, standing to my feet. Walking us to the door, my mother embraced us one last time, kissing both our cheeks before sending us off. She made us swear to write her whenever possible, informing her of our journey and where we would be staying. Thankfully, my mother didn't slip my desire to join the Scouts. Agreeing, we waved goodbye, trekking through the city, ignoring the scenery surrounding us as we passed through the gate out into the outskirt district. Once through the gate, more and more cadets followed as we all maneuvered towards the stage, the area gradually filling up, waiting for nightfall before the selection process would commence.
"Emalina Varlen."
"Huh? Yes, that's me." A soldier from the Military Police stepped forward from behind, halting our movement to see what he needed. "Can I help you?"
"Commander Niles would like to speak with you before the gathering commences. I could escort you, if that would be alright?"
"Hmm, I wonder what he needs." Tightening her hand, she looked up at me.
"Go see what he needs. You have the right to say no, but it's ok to be curious."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. Just come find me when you're done."
"Ok." Turning to the soldier, she nodded. "Where is the Commander, sir?"
"He's just this way."
Walking away with the soldier and leaving me alone, I continued on our original path, noticing our friends all grouped together along the far wall, seemingly quiet, lost in their thoughts. Here and there people were talking; some about their decision, others discussing the two titans killed that morning. It was all jibber-jabber to me.
"Jean!" Armin called my name, lifting everyone else's attention; their expressions were surprised to see me. "You really set on the Scouts?"
"Yeah," was all I said.
Stepping beside Armin, Sasha was next to question my decision. Seriously, didn't these guys believe me at all? "Woah, you serious? I mean...aren't you terrified?"
"Huh?" Raising an eyebrow, I didn't understand. "Of course, I'm scared, I'm not an idiot here."
"Uh, then why're you..."
"Because I am scared of the titans, and I want to do something about it!" Interrupting Connie, my tone sharpened, it wasn't enough for me to say I was joining and leave it at that. "But listen: I understand that joining the Scouts isn't for everybody. I won't guilt trip you, unlike a certain suicidal maniac."
"Eren, huh." Connie sighed, scratching his head in anxiousness. "Guess he's already been a Scout for a while now, hasn't he."
"Cadets, haul in! Head over to the platform, time to make your choice!"
As my friends stood to their feet, there were a few more words I needed to state; words they needed to hear. "At the end of the day, there's nothing that anyone could say to persuade you into risking your life. Same goes for me. So believe me when I say this decision is all mine."
As we all walked away and formed several rows, Emalina reappeared and stood by my side. Along with everyone else, we waited and waited, the first group to be called would be for the Garrisons. A large number of those we trained with decided to join those dedicated to maintaining the wall. As we weren't wanting to, we were instructed to move away from the group and reform into our lines when it was time to listen to Commander Erwin from the Scouts. By now, the colorful sky had turned dark, the stars shining brightly, the only other light be from the numerous torches surrounding the platform and walls.
"Good evening, I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corp, also known as the Scout Regiment. Today, you will choose your regiment. Let's cut to the chase here, the Scouts need you, we need all the warm bodies we can get. After the recent titan attack, you know now the horrors of which they are capable, as well as the limits of your own skill. However, its battles aftermath, gave humanity a new chance for victory. I refer to Eren Jaeger; after selfishly risking life and limb, he has proven beyond a doubt his unwavering loyalty to our cause. Hope lives in him. Eren didn't just help to deter the titan invasion, he's offered us a means to discern the truth of their origin."
"What the hell?" Emalina gasped. My mouth tightened, not understanding what the Commander was even saying.
"Intel suggests that the cellar of Jaeger's home in Shiganshina holds a vital secret regarding our enemy. We will form an expedition to find this secret, find I and use it to break free from the titans tyrannical reign once and for all."
Daring a glance at me, Emalina whispered, "Jean, I'm confused. Do you think this is real?"
"Ugh, who knows. I doubt the Commander would use such a trick to gain more recruitments. You haven't heard of this?"
"Not at all. Unless something happened when Eren was taken into custody."
"Before we can reach the aforementioned cellar in Shiganshina, another problem must be dealt with. We must first retake Wall Maria; of course, this is much easier said than done. Now that the gate of Trost has been rendered inaccessible, we'll be forced to stage future operations from the Karanes District further east. Thus the battalion route we've spent the last four years establishing is now completely useless to us. Over the course of those four years, we've incurred losses in excess of sixty percent. Sixty percent in four years, that's a horrifying figure."
"One month from now, we will conduct a recon mission outside the walls; recruits from among your ranks will be expected to take part. I estimate a third of them will die; after four years, most will be dead. But those who endure will be amongst the most capable soldiers alive. Now having heard this dismal state of affairs, whoever still wishes to put their life on the line and join us remain here. But first ask yourself: can you give your heart. Can you give everything for humanity? That is all. Those wanting to join other regiments are dismissed."
Finishing his speech, soldiers were already turning their backs, hastily removing their lives from certain death.
Damnit. C'mon, I've already decided! Stop having me like such a fool!
But then I diverted my eyes from those leaving to the female by side. Hands positioned firmly behind her back, Emalina was diligent and positively radiating, facing forward towards the future she'd had planned on creating. This is what she'd been wanting from the start, and observing the sparkle returning to her blue eyes, I couldn't be prouder of her determination for believing in what she did. Unlike me, she had seen the titans before the attack on Trost. She was already aware of the nightmares, the destruction the titans bring from their path.
There's no going back, not after you've seen it.
One by one they all left until only a few of us remain. How many there actually were, I couldn't tell. Wind brushed passed me as more declined to stay, deciding the high fatality rate wasn't in their plan, needing a regiment more stable to live their life. All my fingers were clenched tightly, seeping deeply into my palms. It's not that I was regretting my decision; in fact, I was more confident in joining the Scouts than I was with the Military Police. The difference was the all-consuming terror battling my heart.
It was simple: I didn't want to die. Despite my will in wanting to survive, I was, hands down, ready to sacrifice my life if it meant saving the female next to me. As a Scout, I was ready to fight to protect others, but only for Emalina was I ready to save if it meant me dying and her to live.
Believing those who wanted to leave already left, the Commander resumed speaking. "I ask you: if you were ordered to die, could you do it?"
Somewhere from behind, a cadet yelled, "We don't want to die, sir!"
"Of course; let us hope that you don't, then. You who stayed, you are now one of us. Allow me to welcome you to the Scout Regiment. This is a genuine salute, soldiers. Together, we give our hearts!"
"SIR!" On cue, all new recruits lifted their arms and saluted to our Commander, proudly displaying the conviction we held. Even if we were scared shitless.
"Those of you standing here have worked through your fear. You've proven yourself courageous, each one of you has my respect. Now, training begins tomorrow in preparation for the expedition in one months' time. However, there is one last announcement to make. Will Emalina Varlen please step forward in front of the platform."
Blinking, she stepped aside, making her way out of the formation to move forward. Stopping for a brief second, her head tilted to see I was still here; her eyes had never been so wide as I watched her head towards Erwin. Directly in front, she waited for him to speak, feeling all our eyes upon her back.
"Emalina Varlen. In the five years since you were rescued, you have proved time again through living with the Scouts and training as a Cadet your indisputable belief in saving humanity. Graduating top of your class is no easy feat, and as impressive as this is, you've proven much more than being listed as number one. Your physical strength is uncanny, nearly on par with Captain Levi; your bravery is commendable and respected; and your heart is pure, wanting nothing more than to save those you love. Emalina, I wish to make you Squad Leader for Team Levi, as both he and I believe you to be a dependable member for the strongest team the Scouts have to offer. What do you say?"
Without missing a beat, she swung her arms into a proud salute, staring straight towards her Commander and friend. "I am most grateful for the offer and gladly accept, sir!"
Smiling, the Commander bowed lightly to her and nodded. Speaking to the rest of us, he stated, "As for our new recruitments, the first day of training commences tomorrow. Prepare to meet right back here bright and early where you will be redirected to our new Headquarters. That is all, have a good night."
"SIR!"
As our Commander and the other Scouts moved off the platform in discussion, the few remaining cadets – or, should I say, Scouts – conversed together. Four people headed directly to Emalina in questioning how she became a permanent Squad Leader when she was a new recruit like them. I stayed still; feet unmoving as I observed her reaction. She had explained previously this was an option Commander Erwin and Levi proposed to her if she wanted to join the Scouts. If others knew, they might see it as she only joined to obtain a higher rank; I knew better since she deserved such a position.
Smiling at the others, her eyes connected with mine between her friends as she halted. The others followed her gaze as I moved forward, knowing there were going to be words in me not joining the MP's. Walking closer, Sasha and Connie stepped aside, moving away knowing we needed a moment alone; Reiner and Bertholdt both hugged her then stepped away as well. Once we were alone, I smiled down at her.
"I think you deserve a congratulations. Not many new recruits are raised in rank the second they join."
She didn't return my smile; her frown evident she was bothered for me to have stayed. "You know why," was all she said. Rubbing my neck, I was stuck, completely ignoring those who were close enough to hear our conversation, their stares burning into my back.
"H-Hey, listen, I – "
"You...you stupid, stupid fool!"
"Huh?"
Harshly slapping my arm, I gasped, stepping away as Emalina huffed, her eyes wide and furious. Breathing heavily, she growled, quickly jabbing one fist into the same spot with rapid succession. "Just what the hell are you doing?! You were supposed to join the Military Police, why're you here? Why are you a Scout?!"
Those who stayed, which was practically everyone, now had their full attention on us. Fuck, I knew she'd be upset, but this? And punching my arm was not needed! "I can explain..."
"No! Your dream, this entire time, was to join the Military Police and live in the Interior! You wanted the easy life, did you not? So tell me why you're here! You can't...you were gonna join with Marco...! Are you just gonna throw away your dream, Jean?!"
"That's not my dream anymore!" Grabbing her cheeks, the woman pouted; fuck if I had to restrain myself because she was just so fucking adorable. "That dream died with Marco because I realized something more important than joining the MP's."
"And what's more important than your safety?!"
"Yours, you silly girl!" Jolting at my words, as she was to state something more, Emalina hesitated, blinking wildly. "I wasn't kidding the night we graduated when I said I would join the Scouts if it meant being by your side. Joining the MP's has slowly become less important to me; what has become my priority is you, Emalina."
"B-But, all you wanted was to have the easy life."
"That's only because you weren't a part of my life. Fuck the easy life, Ema; I don't want any part of it if you're not by my side." Pulling her against me, Emalina held my jacket as she stared up and I stared down. "I'm joining to protect those I care for, to prevent further death." Gasping at my words, the same exact ones she's told me over the years, she covered her mouth, surprised to hear I now desired the same. "I've seen firsthand the madness the titans bring and I finally was able to witness what you experienced five years ago. I...know we have to fight, and I desperately want to put an end to those fucking monsters. I'm doing this in memory of Marco and so I could protect you."
Having grown quiet, she waited and listened, for there was more I wanted to say. "If I didn't state this clear enough the other night, then let me state it now: you are my other half and imagining my life without you is impossible. You are my everything and I would absolutely hate myself if we weren't together and something happened o you...you can't lose me Emalina, and I can't lose you. I love you," my lips whispered the last sentence, falling upon her ear as she sniffled.
"My goodness, Jean..."
Trust me Connie, if we survive this, I'm gonna scream it to the heavens.
Remembering the same words I spoke with Connie in thinking I'd never see Emalina's face again, my lips smirked. "I love you," my voice spoke louder as she smiled, her blue eyes glistening with every emotion we couldn't speak. Hoisting her into the air, my arms were held underneath her bottom as we twisted and turned, my laugh uncontrollable as she giggled.
"I LOVE EMALINA VARLEN!"
Arms open to the sky, Emalina was floating in happiness, arms open wide to the sky. The devastation we experienced throughout the last few days momentarily forgotten as we were able to love each other, enjoying our presence, and knowing we would never be apart. "AND I LOVE JEAN KIRSCHTEIN!"
It was her turn to cup my cheeks as she dropped her lips to mine. Resonating sounds of clapping and hollering entered our ears; we paid no heed, as our attention was on each other. Her lips were smooth as they glided against mine. I wanted nothing more than to give this woman a loving life.
Out of breath, we gazed at each other. Whispering, I asked, "Emalina?"
"Yes, Jean?"
"I love you so much, know that I'll never tire from saying that. This between us? You're my partner, Ema; but I don't see you simply as my girlfriend."
"Then," she breathed softly. "What are we?"
"We're something more. Will you...forever remain my partner, Emalina? Because in the future, I plan on marrying you and making you the happiest woman ever."
"J-Jean! Oh, yes, yes! You already make me the happiest woman ever; you don't even have to ask!"
"Oh thank god!" Smashing our mouths together, we ignored those catcalling. This was our moment and we were going to enjoy this peace.
"It's about damn time! You two should get a room!
Squealing, Emalina hid her burning face in the crook of my neck. The bulky soldier laughing to the point tears fell down his cheeks as I turned to him angrily, all the while holding my partner in the closeness of my arms. Raging at him for ruining our kiss, I yelled, "Reiner, you stupid bastard!"
~ oOo ~
I was nearly in tears when writing this entire chapter!
Thank you all so much for reading! I'll see you all next time. Who knows, the next chapter may be posted much sooner than you think!
Chocobocolina :3
Here are the lyrics for the song "Compass":
You can do it if you want
No one can take your choice
They only plant doubts
There are so many ways to go
Many goals that can be reached if you dare
Believe that you have what it takes
We all hold doubts
Fears about paths
Is this what you want?
There are so many concerns we have
Many strings going opposite ways
The fear of mistakes blinds you to everything
We all hold doubts
But the most beautiful thing you have
Is a light that shines brightly
And that lives inside
A compass that lights up your night
They know nothing
They have no answers
It is only you
There are so many ways to go
Many goals that can be reached if you dare
Believe that you'll have it all
We all hold doubts
But the most beautiful thing you have
Is a light that shines brightly
And that lives inside
A compass that lights up your night
For the most beautiful thing you have
Is a light that shines brightly
And that lives inside
A compass that lights up your night