Chapter Twenty
To Feel So Deeply
A/N: I'm back! My readers have been quiet; was I missed?
Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me, I only own Emalina and any other OC's. The new story picture does not belong to me; I hold no Copyright and found the picture through Google Images.
~ oOo ~
EMALINA
"Open the gate! The Scouts have returned!"
We were thankful any remaining titans the Scout Regiment ran into were the ones I killed, our final trek back to Wall Rose free of more death. From our last stop until reaching the gate, everyone had been quiet, no one knew what should be said. Speak of those who had died, the very same we discarded like trash to save our hides? Or how about how the new recruits felt lied to, not knowing the actually behind the missions objectives?
Myself, I was split in half.
Commander Erwin's plan to capture the Female Titan was over judicious, an enticing ploy to catch one of the perpetrators who invaded Wall Maria, maybe even the killers of Sawney and Bean. Nonetheless, a secretive mission to its new recruits is just that: secretive. How does Erwin expect newcomers to trust him, to believe they'll be told the truth in the future? I was in a difficult position, having a perspective for each side. Living with the Scouts and working besides them as best I could, or the cadets who were like family from training; I was trapped between the two. In situations such as this, if someone were two ask which I agreed with more, I'm not are if an answer would be possible to give.
Be that as it may, I did not agree with the Commander's tactic, despite being an understandable reason.
Massive slab of stone chirred, the gate lifted inside the wall as we were ushered into Karanes District. Twelve or so hours, in hindsight, was a short amount of time for the Scouts, who were typically past the walls for several days. At any rate, today, including Trost's invasion and my flee from Uma, had been the longest days of my life. Everyone would remember this day, forced to relive this failure, the faces of those we couldn't save etched deep into our memories.
We still marched on, heads hung low in defeat. All remaining members sluggishly walked to the District's Headquarters, where we would stay the night, leaving in the morning for our own military base.
"Am I miscounting…or are there fewer than when they left?"
The gate hadn't even closed, the whispers slithering across the main road. I'd seen similar events from a distance when I remained in Trost with Ian. Sometimes the whispering amongst the citizens was neutral, mainly wondering how many were lost this time. Today was no different.
"No, there's a lot fewer."
"Must've been a bad one…"
"I don't get it! They were all piss and vinegar this morning. Now they're already back?"
"Hell, why bother leaving in the first place?"
"No idea. By the looks on their faces, I'd say they hoped to be gone longer. Tch, our taxes hard at work, ladies and gentlemen."
Even I knew the calm demeanor of the people living in Karanes was just a facade. It only took until our feet led us closer into the city when their true thoughts were revealed. First, the whispers grew louder; stares became harsher. That's when the crowd finally grew rampant.
"Give us some answers, damn you! We have a right!"
"How many lives were lost on this mission?! Was it worth it, was it really worth it?!"
"You think what was on their minds was for the good of humanity?!"
Deafening.
Absolutely fucking vociferous.
Scream, cry, rage against us; the residents had their right to do so. I think? I wasn't sure anymore. Except, it wouldn't bring back the fallen, wouldn't give us the second chance to bring the Female Titan in for questioning, to pay for what she had done. Jean, Armin, Reiner and I faced her wrath firsthand. We knew what she was capable; including those who fought her in the forest. The only difference, between what I witnessed with them in the plains versus when I was on my own, is one simple fact no one had probably pieced together: I knew her identity.
"You fucking Scouts! You're wasting soldiers and our money!"
"Why don't you go back behind the wall and stay there!"
Smoothing a hand along Freyja's snout, my shoulders tensed. I wonder if the people truly meant their words? Erwin never bribed, nor forced, anyone to join the Scouts. Anyone who became a member did so own their own accord, and most who did could not be persuaded to join a different regiment. All members knew the consequences, they knew their chance of surviving, let alone without any injuries, was slim to none.
It angered me when people blamed Commander Erwin. Maybe they were placing their grief onto him, or maybe they did believe it was all his fault.
"Fucking answer us, you cowards! What have you actually done for humanity?! Nothing!"
Head suddenly thrown into Freyja, my skull whacked against her saddle, spinning as I gained my balance to see what the hell happened. Trailing my gaze from my comrades to that of the crowd, I was shocked to see glares focused on me, though most were ones of pity while others were saddened. But for what?
"Emalina?!"
Jean appeared at my side, hand lifting towards my face as a trickling sensation slipped down my cheek. Wiping at the skin, my fingers were covered with some kind of juice, yellowish seeds stuck within. Wavering my stare from him to the crowd, it was then I saw one individual, bright red tomatoes in his hand leering right at me. Everything suddenly clicked.
Especially when another vegetable was thrown in my direction, though it hit Freyja instead of me.
"You guys are nothing but a waste!"
I'd thrown the man against the wall.
I wasn't even aware of my body moving, limbs working without my control as I grasped his collar, shoving him harshly through the crowd until we came to a stop. Echoes of gasps and shrieks penetrated deep into my ears.
Coughing, the man growled. Yeah, I shoved the guy; not nearly as hard as I preferred. "W-What in the hell are you doing to me?!"
"You can throw whatever you want at me, but I will not tolerate my horse being harassed like this!" Still in the street, Jean held Freyja's reins; I was surprised he hadn't stopped me, surprised no one had. Venom latched onto my words, voice low and thick with strain. "She's all I have left from my parents. I have nothing else to remember them by!"
"You think I care about some stupid horse?! Gagh!"
"You fucking should!" My hold tightened, the man's head digging into the stone. "It's because of her I survived the titans five years ago; it's because of her I survived today!" Releasing the pathetic man, I stepped backwards, leading me into the middle of the crowd who'd surrounded us.
"Do you hear what you're saying? You're angry that we're back so soon, lost so many capable men and women?"
"And why shouldn't we?!"
"They didn't have to risk their lives!"
"No, they didn't. But they chose to!" Circling around my position, I made sure to glare down all those around me. "Those who died today were valiant soldiers who dedicated their hearts and lives for the cause of the Scouts. They decided to join this regiment, they knew the consequences,, and they're the ones who sacrificed their lives to find the answer of reclaiming our land from the titans! I don't see any of you out there!"
The silence to follow was abrupt and horrifying.
"I survived when the titans broke through the wall; I survived that day in Trost; and I survived today. Can any of you say the same? Could any of you pick up my blades and fight the titans on your own? Are you even willing to? No! You just bicker and scream at my comrades for risking their fucking lives, all because we want to better yours, and this," I pointed to my face, the smashed tomato culminating in my hair, down my face. "Is how you repay us?! I don't expect any of you to understand why we're so willing to risk our lives, but for you to say we're a waste and should die? You're no better than the fucking titans!"
"Emalina."
It was like I didn't even hear my brother's voice. "You think this is easy on us? You think we like to watch our comrades die? People who've been our friends since training? I've had to watch people be swallowed whole, stepped on, some snapped in half then eaten while you all get to stay here in the safety of the walls while we risk our necks again and again! You fucking ungrateful - !"
"Ema! That's enough!" Latching his arms around me, Levi pulled me backwards, only pausing when my body racked with sobs.
Eyes to the ground, I could only see the feet around me. Small drops blotted the ground, falling from my face, a never ending river of uncontrollable pain. "Do you even know…" Lifting my head, I screamed one last time at the ground. "Do you even know what it's like to witness soldier after soldier be eaten, and the only way you can redeem their death is to sacrifice your own soul to kill the damn beast?" My voice cracked, and through blurry eyes, I wasn't sure if the glares were softening, or if that's what I hoped for. "Have you ever thought about how we feel? All the fucking shit we go through?!" At the end, it felt as though my throat was now raw.
Forcing my body around, Levi walked us away from the silent crowd, holding me close. No one said anything as I was dragged to Jean, whose hand found mine while Levi made his way back to Erwin at the front. There were stares all around me, from the crowd and my comrades. I sensed Sasha immediately by my side, her hand taking mine as the two led me away with every one else. Through my peripherals, I could see Reiner and Bertholdt moved from their position to stand behind us. It was like they wanted to protect me from the crowd, and for that, I was thankful.
Those two were like brothers to me.
Of course, no one would ever replace Levi.
Trudging through Karanes, the castle-like structure for the Garrison's Headquarters soon loomed over our weary bodies. We were met with even more disheartened stares, accepted inside for the night, nonetheless. Entering the side gate to place our horses in spares stalls, I let go of my friends, hastily moving, ignoring everyone's calls.
"Leave her be," I could hear Levi tell them. "Give her some time."
How much time was a good answer. Saddled and harness removed, Freyja's coat was brushed quickly, removing anything detrimental. Hastily, and most likely sloppily, I washed Freyja's neck where she'd been hit with the tomato, all before the others could calm their steeds to even be placed in a stall. Sasha called out for me as I left; Connie watched me leave; Bertholdt whispered while Reiner reached out as I passed. And Jean…I don't know. Maybe he tried calling my name, maybe he didn't. All I needed, all I wanted, was to be left alone.
And alone I was.
It was cold at the top of the building. It wasn't the tower at Trost's Headquarters, yet this would have to do. Legs swinging over the edge, I was reminded of the me from several years ago; before the Scouts, before training, before…everything my life now was. Despite all the slaughter we witnessed today, I wouldn't change where I was, who I grew to be.
That man in the streets…why I did shove him? Why did I act the way I did, or say those things?Every word was true and honest from my heart, but did he need to know?
Yes, my heart screamed.
Deep down, I knew my heart was right. Those who didn't believe in the Scouts, I wanted them to understand our side of the situation, to see our pain, our struggles. Even so, I had no right to scream at them.
Then, did it give the residents the right to scream at us?
When waiting for the Scouts to return, I overheard countless times how the people were sick of paying their taxes for the Scouts when they returned empty handed. If they expected better results, then they should be the ones to traverse outside and experience what we have to. It only makes sense, right?
It was still frustrating people thought in such a way. If someone didn't go behind the walls, we'd forever be stuck within this cage. We had the right to seek revenge, seek our land and freedom from the monsters who stole it from us. They didn't have to agree.
They especially didn't have to throw a damn tomato in my face.
Blinking, it dawned on me then how I hadn't washed my face at all. Dragging fingers down my cheek, I was met with sticky vegetable juice, seeds and tomato chunks stuck in my hair. Groaning, my head dropped, falling into my hands, hissing through the pain in my stitches. Staying in that same position, I only moved when droplets fell into my hands; I began to silently cry.
"I thought I could control this…what the hell is wrong with me?!"
"Nothing's wrong with you, shorty." Though surprised, my body jumped regardless. Levi's hand gripped my shoulder as he claimed the seat beside me, swinging his legs over the edge. Surprisingly, he didn't remain quiet as long as I thought he might. "You know, I've told you that dangling your legs over the edge is dangerous."
"I know."
"Then why keep doing it if I've already lectured you?"
"Since when have I ever listened to you, Levi?"
His response was to rub my head. That is…until he realized my hair was matted with vegetable juice. "Ugh, what the hell is this shit?" Removing a cloth, he cleaned his hands as best he could, noticing how the minimal smile I wore instantly fell.
Swinging my legs back and forth, I didn't want to answer. "…that man I shoved in the streets? He threw a tomato at my face." Head nodding once, Levi pocketed the cloth, hands folded in his lap. "…then he threw one at Freyja." That's when he froze.
My brother's steel grey eyes widened, seeking mine. I didn't have to tell him for he knew. No one messed with my horse. A few Scouts learned that lesson the hard way. And did they ever treat Freyja with disrespect after that? Not after I had my talk with them. "So that explains why."
"I'm not proud of it," my voice urged quickly.
"I know shorty, I don't disagree with your actions."
"Then…why do I feel so guilty?"
His silence returned. Swinging his legs in time with me, Levi leaned backward against his hands, observing the setting sun, the sliver of light barely visible across the horizon. "Emalina…I'm not sure its guilt. Whatever it is you're feeling, I can't change that. However…I think you're scared."
"I…" Sobs racked my frame, body convulsing with protest because of the pain. "I really thought I could control this!" I cried. Everything grew blurry, weeping for all I could not save. Everyone in my village, all the Cadets and Veterans in Trost, my friends in the Scouts. Hands slamming over my eyes, I screamed. "I knew what joining the Scouts meant! The death, grief, pain…it wasn't supposed to be this hard!"
Levi's arms were suddenly warm.
Edging closer to me, he held me into his side, considerate of not adding additional pressure to my stitches. Face hiding in his jacket, I wept. I grieved. I fucking cried for every fucking little thing. Arms holding me tightly, I was certain my wails could be heard from the streets below, hell, even inside the fortress. I'd been prepared prior to training, that if joining the Scouts was my desired path, I'd have to accept the inevitable death to follow with each mission past the Walls.
Today was no different. The casualties had been astronomical, statistically higher than previous missions. Still, my heart swayed. Death was death, and if it be done by a titan, it didn't matter how the person left this world for the next.
Trost was a different matter, considering the city had been attacked once more, leaving only rookies to keep the citizens safe. All those deaths had been painful, yes. However, today we purposely ventured into monstrous territory; in Trost, they attacked us. I'm not sure why I was seeing these events differently; maybe to help myself feel better?
Even if that was true, it was a poor way of doing so.
"Emalina…for someone your age, you've already been through more than people can even comprehend."
"Not you, though…I never had to kill to survive."
"That's…true," he answered quietly. "Our upbringings may have been different. Even so, never sell yourself short." Snuggling into his cravat, I whimpered, only relaxing my shoulders when his hands rubbed softly against my head. Sniffling, I pulled back, clearing my face with a jacket sleeve. "This won't get any easier, I won't feed you some bullshit lie; you've seen what happens in the Scouts."
My head bobbed slightly, neck stinging from skin stretching and pulling. "Doesn't make it easier, knowing there was nothing we could do."
"It never will. The only thing you'll get used to is carrying dead bodies back to the city in wagons." Rubbing my back one last time, Levi stood, hand outstretched for me to take. "Look, there's nothing I can say that'll get rid of the shit you're feeling. Right now, you need to change your bandages and rest."
Eyeing his hand, my head shook, swiping away at my cheeks. "I'm sorry," escaped past my lips.
Levi was already prepared with his answer. "Don't be. Death is something you're unfortunately familiar with, doesn't mean I expected you to keep your emotions in check." Glancing upward, my brother kept his hand out. "You feel so deeply Emalina, I feared you would lose that when you joined us."
Gulping, I took his hand, careful not to overstretch my bandaged thigh, already burning with an insatiable itch. Holding my stare to the fallen sun, the horizon glowed, mixing reds and oranges, the black of night creeping through. Funnily enough, it seemed fitting, almost as if the sky itself was bleeding. Stars were barely visible as I turned away, quietly following my brother down the ladder to the main stairway leading into the tower.
Arm wrapped over my shoulder, Levi guided me into the building. At the bottom of the stairway, Jean came into view, his back towards us, peering over his should as our footsteps grew louder. Hand taking mine, he lifted his lips, nodding in Levi's direction who let me go. Leaving us be, my brother walked off, his own grievances weighing down on his shoulders. Guilt bubbled into my heart. Levi had placed his own duties on hold to tend to me.
Lightly smacking my cheeks, I furiously shook my head as much as I could. Jean peered incredulously, eyebrow arched high into his hair as I sniffled one last time.
"You…alright?"
My lips finally curling, I nodded slightly. "Yeah…I think I just, realized something."
"Oh, and what would that be?" Pausing in midst walk, I leaned my forehead against his chest.
"It's ok to feel what I do; Levi told me that…And, also…" Head lifted upwards, Jean cupped my cheek as I curled into it. "I need to change my reactions to these situations. I can't…always run off when my emotions take over."
Echoes of footsteps poured into our ears, several Garrison members walking our way. Gently pulling me along, Jean held me close. "Hey, let's get you cleaned up, then we'll finish this talk, alright?"
"Yeah…I could use a shower." My smile still held, despite the shock still so fresh at the forefront of my mind. Levi's words was greatly appreciated, having slapped myself in the face to see he was right.
For five years, I mentally prepared myself for this. It wasn't enough. Staring off into the wonders of the horizon, the sun blaring its intense gaze into the graveyard of our lost comrades, I'd come to a conclusion: I still haven't changed. Emotionally, I can usually be disciplined to manage what I feel at any given time, refraining from having myself be too affected by any given situation.
Nevertheless, my actions from earlier proved differently. Levi was right; I endure deeply. And when it becomes too much, I run away. I ran away when confronted of thinking Levi as my brother; I ran when Jean and Marco wanted me to trust them; I ran when told I was weak. It became a pattern, something safe to protect myself if need be. Confrontation scared the living shit out of me, and yet it only seemed to be when it was something that caused me true panic.
I ran away when confronted of thinking Levi as my brother.
I feared of being rejected by someone I felt safe with.
I ran away when Jean and Marco wanted me to trust them.
I feared being left alone again.
I ran away when told I was weak.
I feared failing to protect those I love.
I've come so far these past few years, stopping now would not only hinder my progress, I was scared of becoming who I once was. Never again, for it stopped here. I vowed to Marco I would change. I will confront my horrors, I will succeed in managing all that I feel.
I will face my despair head on, for it will not bring me down.
~ oOo ~
JEAN
"Alright, arms up."
Slowly, Emalina lifted her arms as I pulled the hem of her shirt, lifting the material completely off her frame. We resided now in her room, as I had already gathered my clothes for the evening. Now she wanted nothing more than to bathe, soak away her body from everything today threw at her. Poor thing was covered in dry blood, face and hair still caked with tomato seeds and juices.
Shirt now on the floor, Emalina merely stood, fingers reaching back to unclasp her bra. She was struggling. Her neck was still bandaged and I could only imagine how tight the incision felt. Scratching my neck, both cheeks burned. We'd only had one intimate night together with our bare naked bodies. Why would this be any different? "Um…need some help?" I asked lamely.
"Yes, please," she whispered. Turning around, I fiddled with the back, grasping then loosening the clasp in hand. Mere seconds past as I failed in undoing the damn contraption.
"W-What the hell?! This shouldn't be that hard!"
This caused Emalina to chuckle. "It's not. I can do it one-handed."
"Oh, gosh, come on! You wear this thing everyday." Twisting my fingers, the clasp came undone, falling against her back as she took it off. "How do women even wear these things?"
She tossed the material onto the bed. "It's cause we're awesome, simple as that." Turning back around, Emalina had covered herself, arms tightly hiding her chest, eyes not meeting mine.
"Hey…" Taking her chin in hand, I stared down at her. "You ok?"
"I'm…fine.," she squeaked. Eyebrow raised, my head tilted, knowing that wasn't the case at all. She then huffed, having rolled her eyes at my expression. "…I'm embarrassed," Emalina admitted in a tiny voice.
"Of what?" She quickly glanced down; I understood immediately. "Uhh, oh…would you like me to leave?"
"N-No! It's just…this is different than before we left for Karanes. You didn't undress me then."
Smirking, I couldn't do anything other than kiss her softly. "You never cease to be adorable, kitten." Blushing on cue, she slowly lowered her arms. "Come on," I whispered gently. "Let's get you in the shower."
Taking her hand, we walked across her room towards the door leading to her personal bathroom. Walking inside, Emalina tugged my hand. "W-Will you join me?" she asked hesitantly.
Smirking, I was impressed and elated at the fact she trusted me so. All I wanted to do was coddle this woman with warmth and love. "Of course. Anything for you, my kitten."
Smile returning, she entered the shower first as I removed my clothing, backtracking to the desk to place the items there. Entering the shower, I found Emalina standing directly underneath the water, cascading into her hair while flowing down her curvy body. Though still aroused, my attention focused on the blood-water dripping from her skin onto the floor, whisked away down the drain. It was painful to see how much blood clung to her skin, but I was more thankful her wounds remained secured.
Pulling the woman into a hug, the water dripped against me. With the day we've experienced, it was relaxing. "Let me take a look at your neck." Stepping backwards, Emalina lifted her as far ash she could, my fingers tracing the wounds outline. "Fucking Mikasa…she really did a number on ya."
"Unfortunately. Now this scar will forever be etched into my neck."
"Maybe, but…I've always thought scars were kinda sexy." I don't know why I was so surprised, but my words somehow brought a smile to her face. "Hey, there's that smile."
Handing her the shampoo, we lathered our hair in silence. Bu the time Emalina was done, I'd been able to simply watch, my short locks a bit easier to manage. Her hair was now down the entire length of her back, flowing in soft curls. Well, now it was stuck to her skin suds dripping down the length of her curvy form. Rinsing my locks first, she followed, my hands grabbing the soap, her limbs still covered in blood.
"Jean?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you think you could wash my neck? I can't see the stitches and don't wanna get the rag caught on it."
"Happy to do so, kitten." Cloth lathered, Emalina watched me as I stepped closer, gently dotting her incision as tenderly as I could. She winced several times, though encouraging me to continue.
Droplets fell over her skin, sub slithering from the neck across her chest. My groin churned. Lip bitten between my teeth, I reeled in any moans begging to escape, as this being a natural response for a good chunk of the last year or so. How could I not react to this beautiful being? Emalina was a gorgeous person, inside and out. This was natural to experience, yet being how this was all new to both of us, I was amazed how easily I became aroused when around her.
Our silence remained.
It was comfortable and welcoming.
Having cleaned her neck, Emalina took the cloth, rubbing it across my chest. Thus how we spent the remaining time in the shower, switching between cleaning the other until our fingers grew pruny. Intimate in its own nature, we needed this, needed to be together in such a way. We were in the process of experimenting our sexual intimacy with one another, and I couldn't explain how incredible this newly found confidence in one another was.
"Jean? You're spacing out."
Blinking, I noticed Emalina had turned the water off, patiently watching as I'd been off staring. Gasping she smiled as I shook my head, water springing onto her face. "Sorry, just lost in thought."
"Oh, well whatcha thinking about?" I opened the shower door, she then took the towel I offered, she first cleared her face, then moved to draining the water from her long locks.
"This," I answered, finger moving between us. "I…" Pouting in embarrassment, O spoke my next statement into the towel. "I…got hard while washing you." She fell quiet, my gut screaming I shouldn't have admitted anything.
Until she chuckled.
"You're adorable too, Jean." Gently swatting my arm, she stepped out, wrapping the towel over her shoulders. "You think you're the only like that? Think again, cutie."
Perplexed, I could only blink.
There were moments I knew this woman inside and out.
There there were such moments as this where she could catch me by utter surprise.
Towel wrapped around herself, Emalina felt along her injuries, checking for any blood as she used the towel's corner to dab against her skin. Following suit, we stepped into the bedroom together. Sheepish smiles were shared, our bodies close as we dressed. I threw on pants and a simple shirt while Emalina dressed in shorts and a black shirt, just like mine. Heh, that's because it was mine; she truly was comfortable in my clothing, and I was perfectly fine with that. Tossing my towel away, a knock echoed against the door, causing our heads to turn.
"Emalina, you there?"
Taking a seat on her bed, I watched as Emalina opened the door, revealing Angela, the Scout's medic. Bag in hand, she nodded in my direction, stepping inside. Emalina took her seat beside me, rigorously drying her long hair. "I'm glad to see you're both alright."
"As alright as we can be," I offered.
"Yeah…I think we're all in that mindset right now. You weren't hurt yesterday were you Jean?"
"No I'm fine, though it's safe to say you're here to check on Ema?"
She hummed in response, dropping her bag on the desk. "Her and everyone else who suffered an injury." Attention moved to Emalina, she asked, "How're you faring? Anything hurt too bad?"
"Surprisingly, not as bad as it could, I think my side was worse," she placed a hand over her non-bandaged neck. "They're starting to itch."
Another knock on the door had us all jump. We weren't even expecting Angela to stop by; who the hell could this be? The first knock was soon by another, then another. Those behind the door soon called our names, and I knew exactly who they were. Catching my eye, Emalina shrugged as I moved to open the door, allowing everyone inside, not so shocked to see our friends on the other side.
"Ema, Jean! Ya'll hungry?" Sasha cried out. "Let's go get some food." She, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Christa and Ymir all nodded their heads vigorously. All of them seemed to have showered and changed into more comfortable clothing as we had.
"Sorry guys, not just yet. Angela says I need a check up."
"Yes she does. Gotta make sure her wounds don't open." Removing everything she needed from her bag, Angela turned Emalina's head slightly. "I ran into Levi on the way here. They wanted to me tell you to stay until they arrive."
"Hmm," I contemplated.
"Levi knows what happened, but Erwin probably wants to here it from me," offered Emalina, slightly wincing at the probing on her neck.
"Want us to wait?" Christa politely asked.
Emalina scoffed, waving her hand in denial. "No, no, please go eat without use. We'll be down there before you know it."
"Are you sure? We don't mind," the ever Quiet Bertholdt offered.
Her face softened. "It is." As if on cue, the door knocked for a third time, revealing Levi, Erwin and Hange as they stepped inside.
The Commander chuckled as he surveyed all the people inside. "My, my Emalina, you sure are popular."
"Thank you, sir. I - ouch!"
Everyone turned to Angel who was cleaning around the stitches. "Sorry Emalina, but this needs to be cleaned.
She winced. "Nope, I get it," she stated quietly through gritted teeth.
Levi, fully watching his sister, turned to our friends, thumb pointing towards the door. "Alright, out scouts, we gotta talk with Ema before you can have her."
Nodding, not wanting to cross the Captain, they waved at Emalina and I, stepping out of the room to wait for us in the Mess Hall. Sasha was the last to leave as she stepped beside Emalina, giving her a side hug. When they all left, Hange closed the door, stepping into the middle of the room with the other two.
Sheepishly, Emalina smiled up at them. "Sorry guys."
"Erwin waved his hand. "No worries, Emalina. Your health is of the most importance."
Angela chuckled. Handiwork done on her neck, she then wrapped thick gauze around her thigh. "Understatement of the century, Commander. She's on of the few with the worst injuries as these incisions are really deep."
I peered at Levi as he rubbed his temple, head shaking in…anger? It was still hard for me to tell what the man was thinking. Emalina noticed her brother too, face falling. "This wasn't your fault, Ema."
Mouth falling, she was speechless. Moving to stand on the opposite side of her, Hange spoke. "Ema…you've done nothing wrong, that's why we're here." Gripping her shoulder, she then said. "Levi's filled us in with minimal information. We just need to hear it from you."
"Which is why you're waiting for me, huh?" Angela seemed to guess their plan. Erwin tried to speak when she cut him off. "No need for explanations, Commander; this is a conversation between you five." Glancing one last time over both injuries, she stood. "You're good to go, Emalina; we'll just keep an eye on it for the next couple days, but as long as you're not rough or move to hastily, you'll be just fine."
"You're awesome, Angela." Standing with a limp, Emalina hugged the woman tightly.
"I appreciate that. Erwin, Levi, Hange - I'm off to check on the others."
As they shared several words, I inspected Emalina's wounds. Understandably, they seemed to be better bandaged than what was done in the field. Here, Angela didn't have to worry about the possibility of a titan suddenly attacking; here, it was safe to take her time. "You ok?" I suddenly asked, voice quiet.
"That's a tough question to answer right now." Taking hold of my hand, she drew back against the wall where we rested our backs. She was able to stretch her leg, while keep the other bent against her. Trailing her hand over the bandages, she grimaced. "My wounds will heal, I'm not worried about that. But it's what happened in town…and with Ness and Annamarie…"
"Shhh, shhh, it's alright." Tightening my grip around hers, Emalina's escalated breathing seemed to calm. "With that, you need time, and I'm here. Along with Sasha and the others; we won't let you grieve alone."
The smile she wore was there. Her eyes, however, were tired. She had reason to be, that's for damn sure.
"Emalina?" Our heads lifted towards the three of them. Erwin grabbed the chair, dragging it in front of our position to take his seat. "It seems we have an…interesting matter on our hands."
"Yeah, it seems we do. I'm assuming Levi told you everything?"
"No, just that you were hurt and Mikasa Ackerman is the culprit."
"Right now, we want to hear everything from you, Ema," Hange stepped forward, arms crossed, smilier to Levi. "Your testimony will clear any confusion we have."
"And what…what will happen to Mikasa?"
They shared a glance, leaving me to wonder if they'd considered the question, or already had her punishment. "We might leave that to your judgement, Ema."
"M-Me?" she croaked.
Hand held up, Erwin calmly said, "First, let's hear what happened. Please, tell us every minute detail."
So, she began.
Starting from a point where I was included, Emalina spoke of when the Female Titan screamed, causing the other titans near our location to go berserk, then enter the forest. Her recount was, as Erwin asked, in great detail, stating how she was the one to call for everyone to return to their location and wait; how we were interrupted by Sasha as our new orders to retreat were given; and how she left to find Mikasa as we went our separate ways.
Everything past this point was new information in my ears.
She traversed inside the woods, traveling deeper until she found Mikasa, knowing full well the female Scout was headed straight for Eren's location. It was then she heard his howls, only to stumble upon his titan form fighting the Female Titan.
Emalina grasped my hand tighter as she spoke swiftly. Learning how Mikasa sought after the Female when she captured Eren, Emalina followed, clearly indicating how she tried gaining the girl's attention. Though it was no use.
Try as I might, this was straining on my part. Having to hear this woman explain how she was simply trying to keep a comrade safe, all while concocting a plan on the spot to save another drained my mentality. And then came the part when Mikasa attacked.
"Reiner, Armin, Jean and I fought against the Female this afternoon. We couldn't get a scratch on her; I knew Mikasa alone couldn't take her down. So, I tackled her, trying to get her out the Female's way. She struggled, told me to let her go, but I was screaming that we had to find Levi - anyone to get Eren back." Pausing, her chest rose then fell, palms dug deep into her eye sockets. "Mikasa kicked me off, proceeding to attack. I barely managed to moved before she, well…did this to me," she pointed to her neck.
Teeth grinding together, I would forever resent Mikasa because of this. She had no right, no fucking right, to hurt Emalina as she had. In her mind, she thought her actions were justified simply to save Eren. Staring at the bandages encompassing her neck and thigh, I couldn't even imagine what Emalina experienced. She and Mikasa weren't friends, everyone from our class knew that. Since Eren had issues with Emalina from the beginning, so did Mikasa. I had to wonder if she ever did anything on her own accord that wasn't based on any actions of decision of titan boy.
"After that, I chased after Mikasa where I found her trying to take down the Female. We fought, they both left. Levi's probably told you the rest. He found me then as we went after both Mikasa and the Female. Levi and I were able to get Mikasa, then we discussed a possible plan to retrieve Eren. And we did." Her eyes sat on her brother, their link unable to be broken. "Because of her, I was hurt, as well as Levi."
Astonished, Hange and Erwin glanced at the Captain. "You're hurt? Why didn't you tell Angela?!"
Levi scoffed, brushing his friend's concern aside. "Because it's nothing to worry about. Ema needed her attention more than I did."
Holding his nose, Erwin groaned. "Levi, I'll have that conversation with you later, but after this, you will be seeing Angela." He nodded, despite the roll of his eyes.
"Hey." Tugging her hand, I asked, "What happened after that? You were able to grab Eren and then, what, you just made your way back?"
Her face was grim. "Technically yeah. By the time we made it back to the horses, Mikasa wouldn't relent how she was the only one who could take care of Eren. She even went so far as to insinuate it was our fault Eren landed in this situation, even claiming we'd done enough damage. I…" She managed to chuckled. "Hate to say it, but I pulled the 'I'm your Section Leader' just so I could get her to listen."
"Hmm," Hange held her chin, deep in thought. "It has been noted of Ackerman's…protective nature…with Jaeger, but this? Erwin…"
"I'm well aware what has transpired." Seeming troubled, the Commander merely clasped his fingers underneath his chin, expression held neutral as he stared at Emalina and I. "Jean…you've been quiet this entire time. Considering the relationship you and Emalina now share, I ask this: what do you think of the situation? Has Mikasa ever been this aggressive before?"
"No, not to this extent. Mikasa's always been verbal with Emalina, but only when she and Eren butted heads." I glanced at her, noticing her careful eye watching me. Was she also wondering what I had to say? "I don't know what caused her to act in such a way. I'm sorry to speak so bluntly, but she doesn't seem to care about the safety of others unless Eren's perfectly fine."
They all glanced in sync towards Emalina. "Is that true?"
She shied away, sheepishly playing with her hair to avoid the direct attention. "…unfortunately, yes. It was like this ever since training. Armin would know if she's acted the same before Shiganshina fell."
"Oooohh boy…" Hange blew out air, hand slapping her forehead. "She may be one of the strongest soldiers we have, that still doesn't excuse this kind of behavior. Does she understand such behavior cannot be take place around the titans? To forgo her comrades to save one individual?"
"Save the many over the few," Levi and Emalina stated in unison.
"Exactly."
Erwin, having fallen quiet, seemed to mull over all new information. Reaching forward, he placed one hand on Emalina's knee, examining the bandages until he smiled up at her. "I am sorry this has happened to you, Emalina. I don't think I've ever heard of a comrade attacking another in such a way." Dragging his arm back, the man went silent, finger tapping against his own leg.
"So what happens now?"
Speaking before Erwin could say more, everyone glanced at one another, the same question rampaging their own minds, it seemed. "As Levi stated earlier: we leave that decision up to you, Emalina."
Smacking her cheeks, she then crossed her arms. "Damn…why? Even if I do decide on something, will it be enough for her to actually learn from this?"
"Start with what you've considered," Hange offered.
"I suggest giving her the same injuries she gave you."
"Levi!" Hange growled, Erwin simply shook his head as the Captain shrugged.
"As pleasing as that would be, the obvious would be to discharge her from the Scouts for blatantly attacking a comrade. I am aware her skills are similar to mine and the regiment would definitely benefit from her as a member; such a decision would hinder us. However, if I decided she could stay, I'd only be giving her a slap on the hand as if she hadn't done anything wrong." Groaning, she dropped her head onto my shoulders. "Jean? I need help."
"Your argument is the same as mine. Either we hinder the regiment or she walks away free." Head tilted from side-to-side, I thought back to training. Precisely on whatever punishment Commander Shadis thought up on the spot. "Mmm…have her clean the stables."
"Yes!" Head removed from my shoulder, Emalina nodded as best she could, considering her bandaged neck. "That's a start. She absolutely hated cleaning the stables in training."
"…gross," Levi commented, nose scrunched in disgust.
"Not just the stables, Ema." Feeling myself grin, Emalina only quirked an eyebrow. "Keep her away from Eren."
Her eyes brightened in a second. "Hm, what an evil genius you are. Considering she purposely hurt me to save Eren, seems only fit for her punishment to be barricaded from him. In theory, it seems practical, yet…" She turned to the others. "…is it acceptable?"
"Yes," all three answered.
"Bear in mind Emalina, we all think Mikasa should be discharged." Taking the corner of the mattress as her seat, Hange then continued. "Her actions clearly demonstrate an inability to focus on the task at hand as she disregarded orders from a Veteran soldier, orders from you, and inflicted purposeful injuries onto you. Also causing an indirect injury to Levi as well, due to her foolishness."
"I'm in agreement with four-eyes," Levi simply said. "You could've decided worse and we would've agreed."
"It is justifiable within reason, there is no need to rethink your decision, Emalina. We shall speak with Mikasa after dinner. If there happens to be any altercations between you two once we return to Headquarters, please inform us right away."
She agreed. "Will you at least inform Mikasa I considered her discharge?"
"The kid won't know what hit her after I've spoken with her," Levi reassured. Grinning, her apprehensiveness disappeared, seeming at ease as everyone was in favor with the decision.
Standing, Erwin replaced the chair, moving towards the door as he peered back at us. "We have taken enough of your time. It was been a rather long day for everyone, so please ensure your rest tonight. We leave in the morning back towards Headquarters."
"Will do," I replied for Emalina, her attention preoccupied as Hange stole a hug from her.
"You rest up now, alright?"
"I will," Emalina replied. Pointing her thumb at me, she then said, "I'm in good hands."
From my peripheral, Levi and I shared a glance, nodding towards one another in an unspoken agreement in keeping his sister safe. He, nor anyone else, had to tell me twice in protecting Emalina. Bandaged or not, her safety was my number one priority. Well, that and her kisses as well.
They then all left, leaving us quiet.
Slowly making her way to a standing position, Emalina had a small limp from her leg. Whether she noticed or not, it didn't impede on the small upward curvature from her lips. "Finally, how about some dinner? Reiner and the others have waited long enough, and frankly? I'm hungry."
Taking her hand, I led her to the door, opening it wide for her to leave first. "Same. Let's just hope Sasha hasn't eaten our portions as well."
"No promises," she laughed.
Her bare feet prodded the stone as we quickly maneuvered down towards the Mess Hall. Members from the Garrison curiously eyed us as we waked by. Emalina didn't seem to mind. Her attention focused more on seeing her friends, to enjoy a meal commemorating the fallen Scouts we lost earlier. We entered the familiar, large room, suddenly met with what seemed to be a hundred pair of eyes, watching as we moved off the side where no one was sitting.
"Emalina! Jean!"
Connie's hand frantically waved us over, pointing to the spots they saved. Having saved Emalina the corner seat, she was able slide in, avoiding any extension of her knee and thigh. Realizing there were no plates before them, I questioned, "Haven't you guys eaten yet?"
"Not yet." Jabbing is thumb to Sasha beside him, Reiner still smiled. "This girl made us wait for you, said we had to be polite."
A chuckle burst from Emalina's lips, echoing throughout the stone room. Hand covering her lips, she shook her head, a laugh still causing her body to shudder. "I-I told you guys to eat!"
"Nuh-uh! We wanted you guys here!" Beaming, Sasha quickly stood, rounding the table to stand by Emalina's side. Hugging her friend as gently she could, Sasha then added, "Is everything alright?"
She nodded. "For now. Let's grab some food and I'll fill you in."
Everyone stood, hastily making their way towards the open buffet to grab what they'd been craving. Bending towards Emalina, I halted her movement, hand on her shoulder to stop her from standing. "Rest that leg, I'll grab your food." Her mouth fell open to argue; instead, she agreed, telling me what she wanted. Several minutes later, we all resumed our seats, somehow enjoying the meal.
It was solemn and quite unnerving.
The others were lost in their own minds, possibly recounting what they experienced outside the walls. Reiner tried to strike up a conversation. No one wanted to answer, their fingers playing with whatever food remained on their plate; myself included. I wasn't sure how long we sat their in silence.
"So, Emalina…what happened when you went back into the forest?"
Pulled from her thoughts, Emalina glanced over at Connie, his eyes wide with concern and curiosity. Peering at the others, I saw Bertholdt, Reiner and Sasha nod in agreement. Not wanting the story to be overheard by others, she leaned in, the others following suit as she spoke in a whisper. I didn't want to hear the story again, considering how furious I was hearing it the first time.
They were engaged in hearing how she saw Eren in his titan form fight the Female, especially when she went after Mikasa. Emalina's voice fell even more at the mention it was Mikasa who gave her recent injuries. Sasha and Connie fell even more silent, mouths hit the table. Bertholdt and Reiner, on the other hand, furrowed their brows, mouths fixed in a fine line. As she finished, Emalina merely shrugged her shoulders. Her calmness over the situation was eerie, as this only happened within the last few hours.
Aside from the physical injuries, she was hurt. Emalina could lie to others, but not me.
By the time she finished her story once more, Sasha was in tears, hands shakily gripping those of her friend. Bertholdt and Reiner walked around the table, softly gripping her in an embrace, all while Connie craned his neck to glare at Mikasa.
Beaming, she shoved her friends off, all of us laughing. "You guys are so mushy, I love it."
"What'd you expect? We were worried about you, Ema!" Chugging his drink, Reiner slammed the mug onto the table. "I mean, fuck…Mikasa's had an attitude against you for years, yet this?"
Bertholdt, holding his hand up by a hand upon the table, grumbled. "I doubt we'll ever know what consumed her to do something like that."
"Regardless, we're all comrades, we've gotta stand together in this hell."
Eyes narrowing, I sipped from my own mug, watching the interaction between the two. At Reiner's words, Bertholdt jammed his elbow into the bulky male's side, who merely laughed it off. Not impressed, Bertholdt rolled his eyes, though I could still see the muscles in his jaw were tightly clenched.
Face turned back to our table, Connie asked, "So the Commander's ok with the punishment you decided?"
"That's right. To be honest…I thought her discharge was the best way to go…" Sighing, she scratched around her neck until I pulled her fingers away. Smiling as her thanks, she then said, "Let's face it, she's one of the strongest we have. The Scouts need someone like her."
"Yeah but…look what she did to you out of her own selfishness." Sasha commented, eyes destitute. "Except, now has stable duty and has been ordered to stay away from Eren. How well do you think that'll turn out?"
"We're about to find out." Cocking my head towards the door, we could see Hange, Levi and Erwin stopped Eren, Mikasa and Armin from leaving the Mess Hall. Eren and Armin looked questionably at the others, who soon left the hall as they glanced towards us. I could only assume they had been asked to leave, and would be spoken to separately.
Stretching his neck around me to see, Connie said, "Here comes the fun part. What'd you think will happen? Think she'll throw another fit?"
"Dunno," my voice small, hand gripping Emalina's as we all watched, not even trying to hide where our attention lay. "Question is, what's gonna happen to her if she disobeys this time?"
"I don't even want to think about it."
We all watched. Erwin seemed to do all the talking; Levi occasionally stepping in; Hange withholding the Captain when he voice rose too loudly. Their voices were hushed. Honestly, I was surprised they even stopped to speak with her here where several Scouts were still eating, as well as some Garrisons. Unless the Commander wanted Emalina to see their discussion.
Mikasa's face grew tense, her eyes narrowed the same way whenever someone even talked about Eren in front of her. Fists firm at her side, her head soon swiveled towards us. Expecting for her to match our way, Levi grabbed her arm, guiding her outside the hall. Returning to our normal positions, we all glanced at each other, not sure what to say. Not wanting to dwell on the subject, Emalina tossed her bread over to Sasha, Potato Girl grinning as she snatched onto the small loaf. Chuckles erupted as our conversation flowed once more.
"Emalina." Erwin and Hange stepped by her side. "I'm aware you saw our interaction with. Her punishment is laid out though it will be effective starting tomorrow."
Arms crossing, Hange spoke next. "The girl wasn't too happy, especially when we informed her the decision came from you."
"I didn't think she would be."
"We've also informed her that if she is discovered to have been seen around Eren, her discharge from the Scouts will be effective immediately." Erwin then switch his attention to the others. "If any of you have seen Mikasa around Eren, please inform Hange, Levi or myself as soon as possible. Are sure you're all aware of the situation?" Four heads bobbled in unison. "Good. Please enjoy the rest of your evening, and be ready to leave come morning."
"Yes sir," their voices quiet.
They left; the Commander nodding as Hange waved. Leaders now gone, we finished our meal, Connie deciding to leave first, others following suit as everyone needed their sleep. Sasha and I were the last to leave, as Emalina had been stopped by Nanaba and Gelagar. As she was questioned by the two Veterans, Sasha tugged my sleeve, pulling my several feet away.
"Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"
Huh, now this was a surprise. "Yeah, everything ok?"
"I…" She twiddled her fingers, eyes flashing to her best friend over my shoulder. "I wanted to see if Emalina's alright. She…we all know she wanted to change during training, but we know she still hides herself sometimes. And, well…I…"
"You're worried." We all knew this. Sasha and Emalina were best friends, just as Marco and I were. Grasping her shoulder, I watched her lip tremble. "You're a good friend who cares for her, Sasha."
"But she's still keeping it all to herself, isn't she? Emalina knows we're here for her…"
"She does, believe me, she knows we're all here. Ema just…" Exhaling heavily, my head shook. "It's hard to change. And let's face it, Trost fucked us all over; after today, she might've retracted to how she used to be."
"Hmm, maybe…I wish we were spending more time together, like we did during training."
Smirking, I ruffled her hair. "So ask her. She probably thinks the same thing."
This had Sasha's eyes wide. "Wait, you're ok with that?"
"...yeah?"
"I just assumed you wanted to be around her all the time, especially after today."
"Who wouldn't? She's the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. I never not want to be around her."
"Awww…" Pinching my cheek, Sasha squealed as I slapped her hand away. "You two are such lovebirds."
"Ugh, stop it," I groaned, eyes rolling. We fell silent then, both keeping tabs on Emalina as several other remaining Scouts stopped by her side. "So…are you alright? After today and everything…"
"I could ask the same as you." She rubbed her temples. "You don't have to worry about me, I'll be fine."
"Now who's keeping it all inside."
"…sadly, I can understand why Ema does it. Sometimes…it's just easier to keep it hidden, rather than spill it all out." Nodding in agreement, my arms crossed. "…thank you." Ever so quiet, Sasha spoke. Curiously, I wasn't sure if I'd heard her correctly, my eyebrow raised in question. "You, Connie and I were fairly close before Trost, and now…I'm glad I can consider you a true friend, Jean. What I'm especially thankful for is you being there for Emalina."
Taken aback, Sasha laughed at my expression. "You're welcome? C'mon, where is this coming from?"
Facing me, Potato Girl bit her lip, moisture piling in the inner corner of her eyes. "After today…it seems surreal we're alive. It just got me thinking, how I want to appreciate every moment because we survived, and that my best friends are still here with me."
Taking the woman by her shoulder, I dragged Sasha to me. Hands clinging onto my back, her sobs echoed into my ears. She was another new recruit who witnessed what we did. Then again, who knows all what she saw when we were separated after the mission began. Her tears were minimal as she stepped back, clearing her slightly reddened face, the girl smiled. Sasha wasn't one to allow anything to tear her down, being one reason I was one to be thankful for her. She and Emalina balanced each other as friends.
"…Sasha?"
Stepping towards us, Emalina's smile fell, seeing her friend's tear stained cheek. Claiming the woman in an embrace, she rubbed her friend's back. "What happened? What's wrong?" Peering up at me, my lips turned upward slightly, fingers gripping her shoulder.
Clearing her face, Sasha responded quietly. "Today, your injuries, our friends," she listed. "I feel a little overwhelmed."
"Oh, Sasha. I've got an idea; let's hangout tonight, just you and me." Sasha's face brightened immediately. Watching me as I stepped forward, she was tentative with her next question. "Is that alright, Jean? I know we had plans to talk."
Head shaking, my lips kissed her cheek. "Of course it is, I've been too greedy and kept you to myself lately. Besides, I'm not going anywhere."
"Wait…you two had plans? No, I don't want to ruin that for you!"
Shushing her, Emalina was quick. "Sasha, it's alright because I've been greedy too. You and I need some friend time alone without Jean or Connie." The woman's chuckle was contagious, Sasha and I following along. "No offense, sweetie."
"None taken kitten." Kissing her lips quickly, Emalina blushed red, our friend grinning to her ears at the nickname. "Just make sure to get some sleep, we need it." Waving goodbye, I walked off, my ears catching the beginning of a conversation I wished I had stayed for.
"Hold up, he calls you kitten? Now that's kinky!"
"Sasha!"
~ oOo ~
EMALINA
Having stopped by the kitchens, Sasha and I finally made it back to my room to grab my pajamas where we then walked to her room down the hall. Changing, we huddled on the floor, backs pressed against her bed as we munched on our snack.
"Ema, you really didn't have to stay with me if you and Jean were gonna do something."
"Ugh, I'm not gonna tell you again: it's fine. Besides, let's face it, Jeana and I have hogged most of our time together anyways." Taking another bite, I quickly swallowed, handing the rest of the loaf to Sasha. "I just…hope you don't think I've been ignoring you just to be with Jean."
Accepting the piece of bread slower than normal, there merely gazed at it. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of that. Things are different now, with you two being together. Who wants a third person to hang around their best friends who just so happen to also be a couple?"
"Uhh, Jean and I would." Tilting my head against the mattress, guilt consumed me. "Sasha, I'm sorry."
"No, no!" Shoving the loaf into her mouth, she crashed into me, throwing us onto the floor as we embraced one another. Giggling, we laid there on the floor as she let go, merely ogling the ceiling, waiting for it to perform tricks. It was only when I winced did she release me. "I'm at fault here, I should've said something. Your happiness makes me happy, Ema. That's why I didn't say anything."
Lifting ourselves back to our original positions, I held my pinky out. "Promise me. Promise in the future you'll come to me if you feel this way again, alright?"
"I promise."
Pinky fingers crossed, our vow was now sacred.
I even spoke as much aloud, causing my friend to squeal with laughter, though agreeing all the same.
"Though I'm glad to have talked this over…there's something else you wanted to discuss, isn't there?"
She groaned with a roll of the eyes. "How you're able to be so perceptive will never make sense to me." Ready with a reply on the tip of my tongue, I stopped, seeing how Sasha curled into herself. Shoulders shaking, it was no mistake; she was crying.
"Sasha…" I said calmly. Hands rubbing up and down her back, she seemed to relax, even if only a little.
"I'm sorry, Emalina…so sorry…I can't keep this up."
Head tilted, I didn't understand. "Keep what up?"
"…I'm scared, Emalina. W-When you came back with Eren and I-I-I saw you were injured - hic - I thought…I thought it was all my fault!" About to protest the absurdity of her statement, Sasha then said, "I was so scared I might have lost you!"
Not caring about my injuries, I crawled on my knees to the poor woman, water and snot dripping from her face. Holding her against me we remained still, that's all we did. She released more sobs, carefully gripping my back while my fingers stroked through her hair. When she seemed to calm down somewhat, I flicked her forehead. "You silly, silly woman."
Treading into the bathroom, I grabbed a spare cloth, wetting one end as I resumed my seat. Giving Sasha the cloth, she cleaned her face, rubbing her eyes to soothe the swelling that would still be there come morning. "I've been hurt before. Remember our first year exam, how bad I was injured then? What's so different about now?"
"B-Because…" Glancing away sheepishly, Sasha closed her mouth.
"Sasha, why do you feel the need to hide what you're feeling?"
"How could I bring this up, Emalina? Today was hard on all of us, especially you. I'm the one who told you about Mikasa, and you return with those injuries. Which, I then learn that she was the one who hurt you. I don't have the right to mention this at all."
"Yes, yes you do!" Taking the cloth from her, I tossed it onto the floor, holding her hands in mine. "Listen to me, Sasha: you are my best friend, my sister. Anything you feel, anything you think…you have the right to talk to me. About anything. I don't give a damn if it seems I've had a rough day; we've always talked to each other about everything." Letting go, I stifled a laugh. "Then again…that makes me sound like a hypocrite, considering there's times I don't tell you everything."
"But for you Ema, it's not the fact you don't, it's that you can't. I've respected that part about you from the beginning, but this…this isn't me."
"And that's alright," I replied slowly. "People change, Sasha. Jean's changed; hell, I'm still trying…Maybe today made you realize something. However…I think there's more to you being overwhelmed than just me being hurt." Smirking at her, we resumed our positions against the bed frame. "The four of us were together throughout the last month, but when was the last time it was able to be just the two of us? We haven't had some girl time in awhile."
"I think…" She sniffled, my poor's friend's face reddened from crying. "I think that's why…today hit me so hard. If you hadn't made, I would've been mad we didn't spend more time together, just us."
Arm wrapping over her shoulder, we held onto each other tightly. Though Jeana and Marco were the first friends I made during training - hell, in years - Sasha was the first female friend I had; ever. "I don't blame you, not at all. I think you had every right. Everyone is allowed to keep their emotions to themselves sometimes. Other times, it's nice to speak up about what you're going through."
"Than…why do I feel so guilty?"
"I don't think it's guilt, Sasha." Realizing I'd mimicked Levi's words from earlier left me smiling. "It could be, but I think you're scared. Like me."
She was able to chuckle. "Sometimes I have to remind myself that you can get scared too, Ema. You seem so fearless, especially today. How were you able to keep your emotions hidden?"
"I don't know, to be honest," my head shook. "I'd told myself for years that being a Scout meant I had to keep my emotions in check, that I couldn't show any weakness when out in the field. Today proved different when I attacked the man in the street."
"He had it coming," she said honestly, taking the rag to clear her face. "I mean, he threw a tomato at you and Freyja; he was way out of line."
Legs straight, I crossed my ankles, seeing how I couldn't curl myself into bent knees. "Be that as it may, I allowed what I kept inside to take over."
"…was Levi mad?"
"If he is, he didn't show it. Hell, he even agreed with my actions." We fell silent, the occasional sniffle echoing within the room. Glancing over, Sasha's friends seemed calm, her eyes still swollen, except she crying had calmed. I was thankful for that. I can't imagine all the times she'd witnessed me cry; how many times had she done so? None. This was absolutely terrifying. "Listen…today wasn't your fault. You did what you were supposed to and reported a missing comrade. When it comes down to Mikasa attacking me, that action rests on her shoulders, not yours; you did not make her attack me."
"I know you're right…but that still doesn't change the fact I feel guilty."
"No, you're scared, very scared that I could've not returned at all." Her smirk was evident, though she didn't correct me. "Let's make a promise."
Hair swiveling as she turn towards me, Sasha asked, "Promise? What for?"
"Promise me that, whenever you feel lonely, whenever you get scared because of these missions, or for whatever reason, come find me. Or Jean, or Connie. All of us are here for you, Sasha, you don't have to keep anything hidden. In return, I'll promise the same. Talking with Levi today, I had my own realization." Sighing, scratched at my neck, only for Sasha' to grasp my wrist, preventing me from the attempt. "Even though I've sought to change over these last few years, something's stopping me. Levi's actually the one who pointed it out: I feel deeply. And, I think…because I feel everything so deeply, I'm scared of what I may feel, so I run away."
"Like what happened when we returned to the base?"
"Exactly. So if you promise me, I'll promise you to seek someone, anyone, when I want to run away."
"Heh, we're kinda making the same promise, aren't we?"
My friend was smiling; in this moment, that's all I cared about. "It sounds like it, huh."
"I promise," she answered immediately. "Promise or no, I'd do it, because you're right, Ema. And we're all here for you too, never forget that."
"I know, and I am…so grateful for you, Connie, Jean, and everyone else." Sniffling, I stole the cloth to dot my eyes. "Fuck, I didn't think I'd start crying!"
Falling into a pit of laughter, our evening remained as such - full of laughter, smiles, snickers and simply an enjoyment our friendship needed. This night was a boost in a relationship, considering the lack of 'girl time' we hadn't had in several weeks. This time was very much wanted. We talked, we laughed, we cried a little more, and spilled some secrets neither knew of the other. Sasha admitted the crush she was developing for Connie whereas I confessed the increase of intimacy between Jean and I. By the time went decided to crash together in the single bed, we were nothing but squeals and smiles.
Sasha was able to fall into a deep sleep. I was left to stare at the ceiling, and that was ok. Collecting my thoughts, I was left wondering about everything having occurred on this day. I wasn't mad at Sasha, not in the slightest bit. Today was an emotional day for everyone, no one was excluded from feeling something for the members we lost. For Sasha, this was new to her.
We both assumed our emotions were that of guilt, except we were scared, so unbelievably scared to admit what we saw this very day. Poor Sasha probably hadn't felt fear on that level before. Yes, there was Trost, except Trost was a hellhole in and of itself; a reconnaissance mission past the walls was on a completely different level.
When it came to the mission, most of the Scouts deemed this one as a failure; although I thought so as well, we must've gained something at least. Right? If anything, we gained knowledge on the Female Titian. Her physical prowess, skills, yet most importantly, the true reason for her unexpected appearance. The question which now remains thus: who is her identity?
Considering all that we witnessed today, everyone was talking about the Female Titan's ability. No one could place a finger on who it could be.
However, I could.
I know who the Female Titan is. And she will pay deeply for what she's done.
~ oOo ~
Chocobocolina :)