I've been delaying this for too long. I have to get this out of me. The Reaper war has called all the pilgrims back to the fleet and is making things difficult for the admirals. One reason for the pilgrimage was to find supplies for the fleet and the other was to lessen the strain but now that everyone is coming back, it's going to become harder. There are even talks of reducing the amount of food given out. I have a different problem and need to find out what I really want.
"Admiral Rann… I need someone to talk about personal matters and I'd think you are the best person to help me" I said.
Surprised and intrigued, Rann says "An admiral is always there for the people. In truth, I'm curious why you are coming to me. I do not wish to be rude, but I am very busy" she said.
"This won't take too long. I didn't want Tali's dad's advice, and this is something I can't talk about with Tali" I said.
"Does this involve her?" Rann's aura expands to fill the room. It has a strength to it that feels completely protective.
"No. Wait it does but… how much did Tali tell you about me?" I ask.
Rann simmers down and leans back on her chair, thinking about the many conversations she has had with her. "Given this context of the conversation, Tali said and I quote '********* has a very challenging past which he did not deserve.' She then proceeded to tell me about your early life events, the parts she knows about."
"So you understand how messed up it was" I said.
"Quarians are keen observers of body language and I can see pain stored in your arms and chest." she said.
"Do all quarians sense this?" I ask.
"No. It is a learned skill. How is Tali involved?" she asks.
Inhale… exhale… "I had a very lonely childhood-"
"How can that be? There are billions of humans" Rann said.
"…"
"My apologies. I'll refrain from further interruptions" she said.
"THANK YOU! Well to distract myself, I'd give myself challenges to do. I hoped if I became better, maybe I would attract friends. I worked hard in school to get good grades, I'd try different hobbies, clubs, etc. but it didn't work. By that time it became a habit and a useful way to cope. But in the back of my mind… I wished to have one person who I could connect with. As much as I loved my family, I'd always felt a separation between me and everyone else as I had something different inside me" I said.
"And this bothered you" she said.
"Yeah but I thought it was normal with my family. A generation gap. As I grew older… my perspective changed. There was something unique about me from day one and I hated it. I wished there was another like me. It's mainly why I want kids. A part of me in someone else. I know it isn't same but I also wanted more people to love" I said.
"Beautiful but you use past tense. That is not the case anymore?" Can't slip anything by an admiral.
"Gulp- I wanted kids but my world… while bad things happen in nearly every world… in mine it was idiotic beyond belief. I thought trying to make the world better would work. I thought adapting to it would work. I thought creating my own little pocket would help. I even thought of waiting a century would help. The more I tried things… the more I saw how horrible things were becoming which could have been prevented. I saw what kind of mess would be dumped on them and I wasn't going to do that."
"The humans appear to have a stable civilization. Am I not seeing something I should?" she asks.
"No this world is much better than my own and I don't mean technologically, well yes but there is so much more. Morally, socially, the laws, rules, economies are… fairer? Unrestrictive? Anyway… in my world, it felt like despite my hard work and sacrifices, I had the sense I was being denied. Corruption was bad and getting worse. They kept asking for more and more and getting less and less in return. People were complacent and made up excuses rather than changing for the better while I was busting my butt to improve. As much as I wanted to have my own family… I just kept seeing reminders why I shouldn't… or at least not there" I said.
"So, you waited until you escaped and tried to find a better world. One you could settle down in" she said.
"Not at first. I was hurt and confused and didn't know what to do. Why bother having kids if there was a chance, I'll never see them again. Not even in the afterlife. I didn't know. When I found others like me… who could also do the things I can do… I thought I wasn't alone anymore and maybe one of them would be the answer I was searching for" I said.
"Yet now you are here" she said.
"Most of them already had a life, had children, and didn't want more. They experienced it once and didn't see a need to do it again. And when I allowed myself to get close to a normal person, when I showed them what I am. They reacted with a mix of fear and anger. My… heart kept getting broken and I got tired of it. Tali is different. She is special" I said with a slight smile.
"That she is. What is your concern?" she asks.
"A new body has different sensations. I'm getting different feelings. I love Tali. So so much in my soul. I thought I'd be excited to finally have a family. Imagining a happy life filled with love… it feels so close… but now I feel scared and I'm reexamining my choices. Do I honestly want kids or have I made it another accomplishment in my head? Am I doing this for the right reason? What if I hold my baby and feel nothing? Does that mean all the work, the waiting, the pain, was wasted and I made myself suffer unnecessarily?"
"You're afraid the wanting is better than the having" she wisely said.
"That is a good way to put it. If anything, I want my kids to have a much better life than I did. But am I doing that for them, or would I be using my kids to live the life I wanted through them?" I ask.
"I never had a child so take my thoughts as you please. What I've heard from you is a man who worked so tremendously hard attempting to give his potential child a better world to the point you sacrificed your own desires for their sake. You are worrying about raising them properly which is admirable. Having children isn't meant to be a selfless act. If someone is worrying this much… it shows, you'll be a fine father" she said.
"What if this is the multiverse's way of telling me I should never have kids. Being alone for so long sucks and to be cursed hurts. What would I say to my previous self "you're working so hard for nothing."
"It was not for nothing. You must know that" she said.
"It just seems so unfair how hard I worked, the pain I was put through, then the pain I forced myself through to prevent the initial pain from ever returning, and the thing I wanted most was always out of reach. I mean come on. I'm one of the strongest beings in the omniverse and only want to live a happy life with a girl who lights me up like a firework every time I see her and raise a couple of kids in a good environment. I'll put in the work, but I need the opportunity. I thought I finally had one then Tali showed me, and I am not judging I get it, but I saw those kids and bubbles, and can you imagine how much a human would freak out at seeing that?" I ask.
"I can imagine but we have to for their protection. They are not in any pain" she said.
"But I wouldn't be able to hug them. How could I-"
"I apologize for interrupting you again, however you should know you can. The bubble is a strong highly flexible plastic membrane. You won't be seperated. ********* this may be shocking to you and despite appearances we give our children the best life we can. I think your mind is your enemy. If it makes you feel any better, Tali had similar reasons for not wanting a child. Emphasis on had until she met you. She'll understand if you have changed your mind" even thinking about that makes me feel immensely guilty.
"I love Tali so much and while that is relieving to hear, honestly thinking of a future together without kids makes me sad. Rann… would it really be possible for us to have a kid, have them grow up safe, healthy, and happy and I would be able to spend lots of time with him or her?" My very soul asks.
"Of course" she said. Oh, I am buzzing very strangely.
"Tha- tha. I don't even know what to say to that. Thank you. Please don't tell Tali or her dad I came to see you about this. I'm going to refill your minifridge with real food for you as thanks" I said.
"If you told me that upfront, I'd clear my whole schedule. ********* take some time and think things out. There is no rush. I don't know your situation but Tali implied yours and her time on the fleet are temporary. Think about what you really want" she said.
What I really want. I have a vision of what I want. Please universe let me finally have it or something close to it.