Sensei does eventually corner me for an explanation.
Buried beneath too-soft sheets, with moonlight gleaming against the window, I only half-listen to his excuses.
Your psychotic brother is still on the loose.
You're only just learning to successfully use coping strategies.
It's not forever, you have at least a month to prove you can handle the stress.
It's not what I want to hear.
If anything, it's enraging. I'm mature enough to take the licensing exam and be one of the first to pass, but I can't handle the stress of a work study?
I want to scream.
I want to burn.
I refuse to give him that satisfaction.
Sensei and I don't mention the work studies again. The next day in class, I go so far as to put my head down when he explains them to the class, refusing to make eye contact or even listen. After all, what's the point? Todoroki gives me a strange look, and I can tell it makes Momo uncomfortable.
I don't care.
I… I can't.
Too afraid I'll prove him right and break.
So I'm completely unprepared when Saturday morning, Sensei disappears with a simple note, and so do about half my classmates: Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, Ochako, Kirishima, Tsuyu, and Tokoyami. Bakugou and Todoroki I expect, they had remedial lessons. But the others?
My skin blisters. My mouth tastes like ash.
I sit at the breakfast bar and glare at the wall, only too aware that if I step foot back in my room, I'll burn the whole fucking building to the ground.
"Uh… Rin-chan?" Sero asks nervously, hands raised defensively as he makes his breakfast. "Ah… you… you good?"
I want to scream.
I want to pull my hair.
It's not fair.
Bits of black flames leak into my vision, tangling in my hair.
"No."
He opens his mouth to say something, but a shout disrupts him.
"Rin-chan!"
Narrowing my eyes, I glare at Kaminari, wondering if any of my idiot classmates can read the emotions in a room. Probably not. I inhale deeply, teeth grinding.
"What?"
The blonde stops short a few meters away, dressed in casual jeans and a dark shirt, and blinks at my smoking skin.
"You look ready to explode!" he laughs, one hand reaching behind his head to rub at his neck while both eyes squint. "Are you having a build up? Do you need to let loose?"
A… build up?
"Let loose?" I repeat slowly, eyes narrowed. I have no idea what he's talking about.
"Yeah, you know, when your stores get too full? I mean, your quirk is an emitter type like ours, right?"
My confusion must show on my face because Kaminari grins, wiggles his fingers, and sparks. I scowl.
"I don't know."
Sero, still following the discussion, leans closer with a toothy grin.
"You don't know about the emitter type or if you're too full?"
I glower at the both of them, the rage dimming. I cross my arms.
"Either. I… I thought it was a shadow quirk before I met Sensei."
"Oh," Sero blinks, sitting back.
"Wait, your parents didn't tell you? Or I don't know, have anything like it?" Kaminari asks, sliding into the seat to my right. "What about the quirk counselors?"
"My parents are quirkless."
My lips thin at their twin expressions of surprise. Jaws open, speechless.
There's two types of people in this world…
"Wait, for real?" Kaminari shouts.
I glare. He pinks.
"Every- ah, I mean, a lot of emitter types can get build up issues," Sero offers, shooting Kaminari a look that even I can interpret. Shut up. "My… My elbows, for example. If I don't use a certain amount of tape each day they can get really swollen and sore."
"Oh yeah!" the blonde cuts in, nodding excitedly. "And when we get thunderstorms, I get horrible build up! I have to let loose or else I'll shock everyone I touch! When I was little Mom used to buy me all of these horrid half-dead batteries and make me charge them. But they couldn't hold the charge 'cause they were so freakin' old, so I would just sit there and bake 'em, heh!"
I furrow my brows as he giggles.
So weird.
"Mama would flick my cheek or pinch my arm if I lost control."
Sero, draining the last of his cereal, sets the bowl down with a frown.
"That… uh, sounds kinda mean. Didn't you ever just like, let it out and play?" Sero asks again. "You know, like experiment?"
Play with it?
My shadows?
They were both idiots.
My thoughts must be showing because both boys lean forward.
"Rin-chan! Are- Are you serious? Never?"
"My quirk is dangerous," I snap.
"So is mine!" Kaminari huffs, rolling his eyes. "But- But- ahhh, you know what! C'mon Rin-chan! We'll show you what to do!"
I stare as the blonde, stands, reaches for my hand, and pulls.
"Jeez, you're burning up!"
I probably shouldn't.
But I don't stop him. Sero follows behind, disappearing into the kitchen as Kaminari releases my wrist to shove me out the door.
It's a beautiful day. Warm sunshine on my face, the soft chirp of bird, and the sweet smell of grass wafting through the air. I can't stand it. I glower as Kaminari drags me almost 50 meters from the school, nodding excitedly when he turns and takes note of his surroundings.
"This should do!"
Mina, apparently drawn by the chaos, sticks her head out the window upstairs.
"Kaminari-kun! Rin-chan! What are ya'll doing?"
"Teaching Rin-chan to let loose!" the blonde shouts back, and I flush hotly.
"Really?" I hiss, snatching back my hand and glaring.
"Dude!" Sero huffs, joining us and slapping the blonde upside his head. Kaminari whines, but Sero ignores it, pulling out his phone and quickly texting. "Jeez, don't be an idiot."
I watch in surprise as Mina's window closes.
Sero shoves the phone back in his pocket before looking over with a grin. He's actually… He's actually kinda handsome. With long, straight black hair and thin, lanky muscles. I don't know that I've ever really looked at him, but his general cheerfulness is… strange. Calming.
It reminds me of Yamada-sensei.
I cross my arms.
"What?"
"What d'yah mean, what?" the boy laughs, hands resting easily on his hips. "What are you waiting for? Y' gonna let loose or what?"
I…
"Won't we get in trouble?" I ask, looking between them to the trees and dorm.
"For this?" Sero laughs. "Nah! There's a hole in the woods where Mina poured out a ton of acid last week. I'm usually good with practice, but I went through like three trash bags this summer."
"Yeah, and Sensei told me to just use the woods during that thunderstorm the first day after we moved in," Kaminari agrees, just a tad too cheerfully. I give him a strange look. "C'mon Rin-chan! You'll feel so much better afterwards!"
Distantly, I remember the mornings with Sensei, the way he'd make me pour out my powers and answer his questions. The way it made them ache just a little less afterwards, the way they cooperated more fully.
Thick torrents of briars encircling my body, hands reaching-
"What if… What if they hurt you?" I hesitate.
"Tch, we'll move!" Kaminari answers easily.
This feels like a horrible idea.
"Trust us!" Sero says, nodding.
"I will help you," Sensei says, hand still outstretched and open. "I will do everything in my power to help you, but you have to want this. You have to work for it. Healing isn't a magic pill or a quirk. It's a choice, and one only you can make. Stop fighting me and let me help you. I promise you, if you will trust me, I will not abandon you."
Isn't this why you're not in the work studies now?
Lack of coping skills.
"O… Okay."
Looking out at the beautiful landscape, I bite my lip. And then, reluctantly, begin releasing the shadows.
They come as easily as they always do.
Black smoke curls up from my pores, rising and dancing through the air like dark steam. Liquid shadows drip around it, like oil down my arms, spilling from my lips and trickling across my clothes. The liquid bubbles as it goes, rising and thickening, expanding into vines and tentacles, protruding into claws and gnashing jaws. The darkness leaks like puss from my scars, twisting over my skins like worms and falling to the ground. I swallow the taste of death and freshly over-turned earth.
They grow.
Circling my feet in a thorned halo, rising around me in thick plumes of smoke.
"Woah…"
I turn to my classmates, taking in their pale, wide-eyed expressions.
"In the bag. You have one minute, or she'll kill you."
The shadows around me thicken. Snakes snap and hiss. Spider legs appear and melt away. The darkness pours out faster, stronger, like a torrent that once unleashed, can't be contained. It takes all of my willpower to control it, to contain the monstrosity.
They vibrate, faces in the darkness screaming, arms reaching and clawing for purchase. I have to clamp my eyes shut to hold it back.
"Rin-chan! You're supposed to be loose!" shouts Kaminari.
Loose?
I bar my teeth as much in disgust as frustration.
"It'll kill you-"
"We're fine," Sero shouts back, and it takes a moment to realize him and Kaminari both have retreated back several meters, and that their faces aren't pale. If anything, they look excited and-
And-
What's wrong with them?
"Yeah Rin-chan, c'mon! Stop holding back!"
My control wavers.
The mouths snap, thousands of hands finding purchase, clawing at the ground, heaving with faceless bodies and wide, yawning mouths. The shadows churn around me, circling in a gale, in briars and waves and-
And-
"Hey, c'mon kid, you know I'm a pro! You think I haven't fought a shadow quirk or five? Ugh. So Shouta mentioned he thinks it's an emotional manifestation, what emotion would you call this?"
My mouth dries.
"I… Uh…"
He tilts his head and wiggles his finger.
"Happy? Sad? Angry?"
"Fear," I whisper.
And I let go.
The darkness around me doesn't expand so much as it explodes. The churning mass of briars and waves shatters into snakes, bubbling into masses of tentacles and lumps of bodies. Lengthening into a wall of faces. The sunlight disappears as Yui-san dead face stares back, wide-eyed and glossy, Shin's tearful expression, Asp's broken mask, and Kaito's burnt face.
My hair billows in the air, pulled upright as my clothes slap against my skin.
A wall of darkness higher than the trees circles my skin.
"Rin."
I flinch and turn.
Tears burn in my eyes as Mama stares back.
The shadows don't move like normal. They don't pop and bubble and spill like mutating slime. Instead, they fold in on themselves, warping and condensing, collapsing under the hot sun into the shade of a familiar woman.
Tall and slim. She towers over me the way she always did, her body so tall her head brushes the tree line. Nails the color of galaxies, hair fanned behind her, the emptiness between the stars in her eyes. She stares the way she used to, fingers reaching out like they would for a child.
"Rin," she repeats, her voice sounding a million miles away.
She's beautiful.
She's dead.
Something inside me breaks. Something old and jagged and far too delicate to be held shatters and tears and rips at my chest. I… I can't breathe. Can barely think as the woman reaches out, shadowy fingers stretching and curling and-
"Mama," I choke out.
The knot in my throat sticks. My eyes burn.
A sob catches and I can't swallow it, too consumed by the hollow feeling before me. Like the hole in my chest widened and widened and the abyss below threatened to eat me alive.
She touches my face and ripples. Black flaring before falling away into a murky, ocean-yawning blue.
Her expression as distant as the stars, features blurring.
She smiles.
It's not a nice expression. Like hungry nights and cold showers and whispered cries in the dark. I can smell the cigarettes and the shiver of burning alcohol. Breath swirling in silver ghost clouds in a too crowded bed.
It's not enough.
"Mama, Mama-"
"Rin."
She leans close as I lunge for her. In an instant, she dissolves. Splashing against my clothes as I reach back. My fingers go through nothing, arms pressing against air.
Gone.
"No- No, no, no, no," I choke, scrambling forward and reaching for remnants—searching for her ghost. Dirt and grass stain my fingers, but I don't care. "No, Mama… No…"
"Ah… Rin-chan," Kaminari says.
I can't look up, face covered in tears. I stare at my hands, at the dirt covered in deep grooves.
"She- She's gone," I sob, closing my eyes and hugging nothing but air. She was so close, so close I could almost smell her. Why? Why?
It wasn't fair.
Mama…
Leaning forward, I let my head touch my knees and cry.
.
.
.
Eventually I get up.
Face swollen and eyes red, I return to the lobby. I curl on the end of a couch, and sleep.
Nobody stops me.
When I do wake, it's to the sweet scent of baking.
Rubbing at crust-coated eyes, I sit up. I blink slowly at the blanket spread across my shoulders. It's… It's weird, because unlike normal blankets, it's strangely heavy. I blink at the patchwork of fabric, reluctantly moving it away.
"Oh-Oh! Damn it! You beat me again!"
Something clinks behind me, the sound of dishes in the sink. Ahead, I can see the tops of boys' heads, their bodies disappearing to the couch. A television flickers with a game, somebody shushing the other before they laugh again.
I lick at my lips, one hand passing through my hair.
Strangely, I feel oddly less.
Less full, less chaotic, less upset. I don't try to understand.
Untying the loose braid, I stand instead, raking my fingers through the hair as I shuffle towards the others. Kaminari, Ojiro, and Sero sit together. Controller in hands, it takes a moment to recognize the game. The fighting one they always play. The one Kirishima loved and that Mina liked to tease them about.
I smile.
"R-Rin-chan?" Kaminari squeaks, noticing me first. He blinks up, wide-eyed from the end closest to me. "You're awake!"
Nodding, I lean forward. Close enough I can smell him, the light scent of soap and the taste of ozone on my tongue. He doesn't move, stiffening, and I encircle his neck with my arms.
"Thank you," I whisper, voice hoarse from sleep.
For the first time in years, I got to see my Mom…
On a whim, I kiss the smooth skin of his cheek, surprised at its softness.
"R-R-Rin-chan!"
I've never seen him blush. It's distantly amusing as I remove myself and look to Sero.
The dark-haired boy stares back wide-eyed, hands rising immediately to wave in front of himself.
"Ah- I'm- I'm good!"
I shrug and straighten, my hair spilling across my shoulders and chest. It's so long… I probably need to cut it soon.
I wonder if Sensei will let me.
Turning, I head instead to the kitchen. Sato, dressed in a simple gray apron, greets me brightly.
"Hey Rin-chan!"
"Hi."
Drowsy, I lean against the counter and stare. Bowls, cups, and a variety of tools litter the table. A hand towel draped across a cutting board and a small puddle of milk pools beneath the measuring cup. I take in the stacks of ingredients quietly, tilting the flour enough to read cake across the bottom and real vanilla extract on the bottle nearby. My skin tingles and warms.
Real cake flour and extract?
"What are you baking?" I ask softly, replacing the flour and taking in the assortment of lemons and strawberries, whipping cream, and what looks like a simple syrup. "Strawberry shortcake?"
"Heh, close!" the larger boy laughs. He runs a hand through his hair and grins ruefully. "I was trying for a strawberry trifle actually!"
I furrow my brows.
I've never made that before.
"You… You wanna help?" the larger boy offers. "It's fairly simple once you have all the pieces. It's just layers of cake and then fruit then custard and whipped cream all repeated. Mina's strawberries were going bad, so she asked me to use them."
I glance towards the wilting strawberries and nod.
"I can… wash?"
His smile is sunshine and gleaming.
It's strange that it's directed at me.
I flush, quickly collecting the strawberries and heading towards the sink. It's only as I turn on the water to wash my hands that I notice the strange glow to my skin.
Unlike normal, it's…
It's… pink.
I squeak.
"Eh?"
"Rin-chan? What's-"
"I'm- I'm pink!" I squawk, quickly shutting off the water and turning towards the larger boy. I hold out my arms and wave them. "I'm- I- I'm glowing pink!"
Clearly bewildered, he nods slowly.
"Uh… yeah?"
"I'm not- I don't turn pink!" I squeak, looking down. "I- I glow for happiness and- and my shadows are fear and- and- the muddy one is- is really bad and- and-"
"Well, uh, what are you feeling now then?" the large boy asks, calm as he wipes his hands on a towel and then picks up his batter. He begins pouring in the cake pan, large dollops falling on the already greased and lined form.
I stare.
"I…"
He doesn't look up, spatula moving around the plastic sides of the bowl until it's all scraped out. Setting the bowl to the side, he shakes and drops it twice, only a little distance, clearly getting the air out. Yui-san used to do the same on the rare occasion she made a cake.
Dark, beady eyes glance up and I'm caught off guard as he raises an eyebrow.
"Embarrassed," I manage, face hot and skin glowing redder by the second. I look like a cherry, or a tomato with hair. I'm sure of it.
Satou laughs, the sound loud and throaty. He picks up the cake and carefully places it in the oven. Even by the sink, I can feel the hot gust as he closes the door back, his large hand reaching for a timer.
"Well, I mean, if you don't wanna help, you don't have to."
With practiced ease, the larger boy grabs for his towel again, swiping at the surface and cleaning away the milk.
I…
I don't wanna go.
"No," I frown, ignoring my clearly idiotic skin and turning back to wash my hands. "I… I got it."
.
.
.
Satou's cake is delicious.
My classmates appear like scavengers to devour it and he just laughs and slices it away. Settled back on my spot on the couch with the strangely heavy blanket, I attempt to eat my trifle in peace. Toru, however, has other plans.
"Rin-chan! Rin-chan!"
I have no idea what she wants. And with cake in my mouth, I'm not really sure I want to know either.
When her persistent stare doesn't disappear though, I sigh.
"Yes?"
She giggles, bouncing a little and leaning forward.
"I'm having a girl's night in my room. You're coming."
I blink at her audacity.
"Ah… okay?"
.
.
.
By the time Sensei returns, dressed in his hero uniform with yellow goggles pinned against his head, I've only barely finished dinner. Too caught up in my time with Toru, I'd nearly forgotten about it completely.
I had forgotten about my homework.
He wasn't going to be pleased…
Dropping his keys on the counter, Sensei glances once at me before frowning, eyes narrowing dangerously.
I gesture pointedly at the food and squirm.
"I… I cooked!"
"Why are you wearing makeup?" he asks, ignoring my comment. He doesn't move, doesn't pass me like normal to change. His lips thin as he takes in my features, the heavy liner and rather loud eye shadow. "Are you hurt?"
"No," I answer, shifting from one foot to another. "T-Toru-chan did it. She... We watched a movie and, she... ah... she did my hair. Do… Do you like it?"
"Not particularly," he says flatly, crossing to the table and pulling out his chair to take a seat. He leans back and crosses his arms. "Your face is fine without it. I heard you used your quirk? Your classmates told Vlad that you were having build-up problems."
I grimace and shrink.
"I… yes," I admit, pulling at my fingers.
Sensei studies me for a long moment, expression blank.
"You're not in trouble," Sensei says, uncrossing his arms and breathing deeply. "I was concerned. You've never mentioned having build-up before, so I wasn't sure if this was you losing control and them making excuses or you actually taking the initiative."
Initiative…
"Then… you're not mad?" I ask.
His lips shift sideways, and he manages a sour expression.
"No. Go wash your face, you look like a clown. We can talk afterward. Did you do your homework?"
A…
"A clown!" I scowl, pouting. "I- I do not! Toru-chan said I looked cute!"
"You look ridiculous," Sensei repeats, lip twitching as he leans sideways in his chair. Propping his chin on the arm of the chair, he raises an eyebrow. "Now, did you finish your homework or not?"
"I… Not…" I groan, nose wrinkling.
"Then you can work on it after dinner," Sensei says, rising up and rolling his neck. One calloused hand falls on my head as he passes me by. It lingers for a moment before he disappears down the hall.
I reluctantly trudge to the bathroom.
Snapping a picture of my face, I hesitate before pulling up my contacts.
Kagura.
Do I really look like a clown?
The check appears almost instantly, followed quickly by three small dots dancing at the bottom.
It's bold. Maybe less pigment on top? And thin the eyeliner. Your lashes are already dark and full.
I frown, deflating a little, and go to wash some of it away.
What's up with the makeup anyways Hellspawn? Nobody's picking on you, are they?
I pout.
Why was that everyone's first reaction?
My friend wanted to do it.
Oh? Someone else did that? Well, then never mind. Yeah, tell them no next time. Also don't let them put dark colors next to your eyebrows, it makes them look like caterpillars.
I scowl.
Then, glancing at my eyebrows, examine them. They do look kinda thick…. I scrub at my face harder, actively ignoring the way my skin reddens and glows. Stupid quirk, flooding the entire bathroom like a stoplight.
Thanks nee-chan, I type back, before sliding the phone back in my pocket and finally getting the majority of it off.
Face raw, I only return once the embarrassment seeps off my skin, and then slump moodily in my chair.
Ugh…
Caterpillars?
Sensei, already changed, smirks from his own chair.
"Better."
I glower, annoyed when my skin heats up immediately. He raises an eyebrow at the red light pouring off my arms and face, looking annoyingly amused.
"That's new…"
"Sensei," I whine, lips pursed. "I'm hungry."
"Then eat," he snorts, scratching the scruff on his chin and not looking away. My skin brightens. "What have you been doing all day, since it clearly wasn't studying?"
I scowl.
"Stuff!"
"Like?" he deadpans, finally looking down to eat form his plate. "Stop being so suspicious. I already know you used your quirk outside and caused a ruckus. Vlad said you looked like a whirlwind above the trees. And when he came to check on it you were passed out on the couch. That was around nine, don't tell me you slept all day."
I purse my lips.
"I- I helped Sato-kun make dessert! And- And I hung out with Toru-chan, and we talked, and- I don't know!"
Sensei nods, eating a large mouthful and making a thoughtful humming noise.
I narrow my eyes.
"What- Where have you been?"
"Patrol," he answers flatly, eyes half-lidded.
"Oh."
.
.
.
Later that night, after homework and studying and a long lecture on why kissing Kaminari is inappropriate and don't do it again, I sink into my bed tiredly.
I wait for Sensei's kiss, eyes closed at the rough brush of his face against mine.
Steady breaths as he shuts the door and leaves.
"Goodnight, Rin."
I wait, one heartbeat, then two.
And when I hear the door to his room click closed, I sigh, blinking up at the ceiling.
Mama's face comes to mind again.
I… I want to see her again.
Didn't you ever just like, let it out and play?
Slowly, as quiet as I can be, I reach for the hollowness in my chest. And like a monster, coming to its master's call, it rises obediently. Vapors spill from my palms, gaseous, noxious-looking fumes that spin between my hands and revolve around each other. Like earlier, I don't try to control it.
And… And as it warps and rotates, it changes.
Black shadows intermingle with dark, fiery reds, silver sparks exploding from golden bursts. Tiny droplets of what looks like water splash across the chaos and a low gray fog chases in their wakes. It's anarchy and its madness and it's like staring into a galaxy in my hands.
I stare.
The darkness interspersed with stars.
It's…
It's beautiful.
I've… I've never seen anything like it.