To Be A Hero: Determination

by jessylane318

Part Two of the To Be A Hero Series. Hoki Rin has survived the terrible conclusions of the Training Camp and now must wrestle with the horrible truths uncovered there. With more questions than answers, can she find the reason why? What will those answers cost her?

38. Chapter 38

Sensei leads us to our familiar clearing, though not before making a pit stop to collect his sleeping bag. I glow brightly when he lets me carry it, humming as I envision all of the great snuggling positions it offers. Fully open is soft, and warm in the sunlight, but closed is also good, cause it feels like a fluffy marshmallow hug, and sideways is nice too, cause then I can see them, but you can also lean it back against a tree and—

Sensei sighs, gesturing lazily for me to do whatever, as him and Hitoshi wander a little further off to discuss whatever they're testing.

Probably the weird metal thing he'd been wearing.

I prop the sleeping bag up against a tree, unzipping it halfway to get in before nestling in with a sigh.

This is amazing…

I beam at them both when they glance back my way, warming at Sensei's flat stare and Hitoshi's annoyance. Even with the distance, I can make out him pinching his nose.

"Why are you teaching her to be weird?"

"Don't you have more important things to be considering?"

I sink down into the sleeping bag, letting the fabric cover my ears and swallow me whole.

"… looks like a caterpillar."

Closing my eyes, I can feel the exhaustion from healing and fighting weigh on me once again.

I remember the battle, where I'd fought Midoriya and Bakugou and Todoroki. I wonder if they're okay. Todoroki had been limping when I'd been awake, and Bakugou hadn't looked that great either. But Midoriya had carried me…

He must be really strong.

Sensei was strong.

Sensei and Hitoshi and Uncle Zashi and even Aunt Nemuri. They all had big muscles, unlike Mako-chan.

Aunt Nemuri was strong and smart though, cause she just had to use a knuckle. And…

"…adjust. Start with some basic impressions."

"Kid, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Tch, that's the first thing you think I'd say? Really?"

"Present Mic, I want to marry you."

"Keep up that cheek and you can be running laps."

I doze sleepily, wondering why Sensei's talking to himself. He's so weird.

"Are you ready?"

"Not nearly loud enough, and your accent is off. Try again."

"ARE YOU READY?"

I blink, blurry eyes and peak back out of the sleeping bag. My blonde godfather isn't anywhere around though. I huff and retreat back, pouting.

"You'll need to practice your accent more. He slurs the "r" sounds. Now switch."

I crinkle my nose.

Why were they being so noisy?

Usually training with Sensei and Hitoshi consisted of Hitoshi trying not to get tangled in his capture weapon, and from there, actually capturing targets. I sigh at the sound of Vlad-sensei.

"Eraser, what's the plan?"

"Decent. You'll want to watch how they address other people. He rarely speaks like that outside of his homeroom. Pick a female."

A female?

"S-Sensei?"

My eyes fly open, and I stiffen at the familiar voice.

"I hate math. These stupid fractions don't make any sense! Ugh!"

I squirm immediately to the top of the sleeping bag, all traces of sleep gone. Dragging my head out, I glower at the two of them, annoyed that they've got some stupid recording of me from this summer.

Sensei raises a brow at me, and Hitoshi-

Hitoshi crinkles his eyes, clearly grinning underneath that stupid metal thing on his face.

"I don't wanna cry!" comes a perfect copy of my voice, and I scowl, realizing it's Hitoshi.

Has he been changing his voice all this time?

"Don't mock me," I growl, refusing to come out of the sleeping bag, but unwilling to not engage.

"Hm. Change the voice."

I stick my tongue out, triumphant.

"Rin, either take a nap or get up and work on your homework."

I slink back into the soft cocoon warmth of the sleeping bag pouting.

Nap.

100%.

.

.

.

That evening, after dinner and homework and an annoying essay on the importance of accepting no, I stretch out on the couch as Miska races wildly around the room. She looks like a complete spaz, jumping out onto the carpet only to stop, ears perched back, and then spring sideways.

I giggle when she throws herself onto the couch, bounding off my back and from there to the back of the couch.

"Sensei! Look! Miska has the zoomies!"

She clears my head and pounces back down to the carpet, hopping around almost like a frog across the living room gray rug.

My guardian snorts, shuffling past the kitten to join me on the couch. I scoot back, wiggling until he has space on his side.

"What are you working on?"

"The hero internships," I answer, twisting around so I can lay my head on his thigh. He lets me, blinking down curiously as I tilt back my phone to show him my screen. "There's a lot of choices. I think I've narrowed it down to about ten though."

"Well done, you can look at them later though. Put that away for a moment, I want to ask you a question and we also need to talk about your performance earlier today."

I grimace, remembering that chaos.

You lost control.

"Oh."

"Don't pout, we'll go through it together. I wanted to talk to you about something you said when you woke up. Something about waking up in different clothes? Do you want to talk first or watch the video?"

Considering how well me trying to explain worked out before…

"The video," I decide, wondering if he'd allow a 'neither' instead.

"Do you want to sit up to see it?"

I frown and pick myself up. See it?

He pulls out the tablet, the same one Hitoshi had been messing around with earlier, and I blink in surprise. Then, shuffling onto my knees, I lean into Sensei's side. I hang lazily onto his shoulder, legs bent beneath me as I stare down at the small screen. My guardian swipes through a couple apps before seeming to find what he's looking for.

It's some sort of app with an image of the training ground and a handful of buttons and drop down menus off to the side. Sensei fiddles with something that looks like a timestamp, and then another box with a bunch of letters and numbers attached.

The buzzer that rings out startles me, especially since nothing on the screen changes at all.

"What are-"

"You'll see in a moment," Sensei interrupts. I understand why a second later when a dark-winged figure appears on the screen. Despite knowing its me, it… it doesn't feel real. It's like watching a movie, except I already see the turn she's going to take, and I can already see Sero's familiar form racing ahead.

Sensei clicks on the screen, pausing as the dark wings start to bank.

"Problem number one," Sensei says, pinching the screen and blowing up where we're about to collide. "What's about to happen?"

"I run into Sero-kun?" I frown, uncertain.

"Exactly. When you know there's an enemy in the area, one, you don't move at top speeds unless you want to draw attention to yourself. Two, you need to stay aware of your surroundings. You turned that corner far too close, it's the main reason you couldn't adjust midair after you two had collided. Next time, you'll need to slow and take it at a wider angle."

I look away.

If he was already finding problems in the first few seconds, how bad was the end going to be when I lost control?

"Yes, sir," I mumble, heart sinking.

He gives me a look.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lie, scooting back so that I'm nearly pressed behind him. I frown down, wishing this was already over. "I… I understand, I'll do better."

Sensei seems to hesitate for a long moment, clearly considering something. Whatever it is, he eventually makes up his mind, shaking his head and reaching forward to press play.

The scene continues as I remember: Ojiro nearly knocking me over. A quick, fast-paced fight. Iida's interruption.

"You did well adjusting to the new combatants and removing yourself to find a space more in your favor," Sensei says as the image of me barely evading Iida and landing on the roof plays. I frown at him, wondering if he's just saying it to make me feel better. "However, again, you lose track of your surroundings. That's dangerous Rin, especially in real combat. You need to work on your situational awareness."

Ah, there it is.

I sigh.

"Yes, sir."

Sensei does turn then, brows knitting in annoyance.

"I'm not telling you this to waste my time," he says flatly. "The point of going over this is to identify mistakes, so you don't make them again."

I scowl.

"I said yes, sir," I snap. I don't even know what his problem is.

Sensei scowls, shifts, and before I can fully process what he's doing, he's pulled me out from behind him and into his lap. I jerk in surprise.

"Sensei!"

"It doesn't sound like you're listening," the dark-haired man says, his arm sliding forward and caging me in place. On one hand, he so rarely lets me sit like this, I want to slump into him and glow. But on the other… What is that supposed to mean? I answered him, didn't I? "You sound like you're agreeing to get this over with. Pay attention and ask questions."

"What's there to even ask?" I grumble sourly.

Sensei's chin, near my shoulder, prickles my skin even through my clothes.

"Watch it," he grunts, reaching out and pressing play.

What follows is the stupidest chase ever.

I'm being hunted by damn pigeons. They're not even particularly fast, especially compared to like Midoriya, who gives up at least two opportunities to take me out in order to take out four or five of our classmates.

I scowl.

"You're too preoccupied by the birds," Sensei says flatly, changing the camera angle again so we can see me flaring with darkness. He pauses it again and sits back. "What do you think you could have done differently?"

"Made chicken kabobs," I grumble under my breath.

Sensei, apparently fed up with this, locks his arms across my stomach and traps my torso and arms to drag me back with him.

"H-Hey!"

His arm is like freakin' steel.

I squirm, my back bent uncomfortably and kick out. It does absolutely nothing.

"L-Let me go!"

"No."

I squawk, try to turn in the hold, and he tickles my side, eliciting loud, uncontrollable squeals. My skin burns, lighting up the entire room like a stoplight. He readjusts, unmoved.

"S-Sen-"

"I can't hear you, Rin. Must be all that mumbling."

I manage to get one hand free and slap blindly for his face. He catches the hand in his other arm, sweeps a leg up and pins my legs that I try to swing overhead.

I snarl.

"Sensei!"

"What's wrong? I thought you liked being held," Sensei says lazily. Lifting his lower body, he drags both of us the rest of the way across the couch. I wiggle and scowl, jerking uselessly in his stupid hold.

"I- Ugh! Really? Let me go!"

"Are you ready to take things seriously?"

"No!" I snap.

He sighs, hand moving again to tickle my side.

I squeal and snort and screech.

"St-St-Stop that!"

He immediately stops, though he still doesn't let go. Breathing heavily, I go limp, hoping nastily that I'm heavy. Sensei snorts.

"You wanna tell me what the problem is?" he asks, moving the arm not across my middle to my head. He combs lazily through my short hair, and I don't know if it's meant to keep me calm or to protect his face in case I try to headbutt him.

I hate that I like it.

"N-No!"

"Why not?"

Breathing deeply I glare at the ceiling, feeling his legs untangle from my own.

"B-Because it's stupid! I messed up! I- I know I messed up! I just don't- don't know why you wanna go over and over it! If you just want me to quit, then say it. I suck at paying attention and I suck at controlling my quirk and I got beat up by fucking pigeons and-"

"Rin," Sensei sighs.

"And I don't need to go frame by frame!" I scowl, jerking to roll to the side and hating that it's only cause the arm that was holding me in place lets me. "I lost control like always. Why don't you just expel me and be done with this?"

Sensei makes a noise and sits up.

"Rin…"

I ignore him, rolling to face the back of the couch and stuffing my face in it. I can barely stop the unwanted sob that cracks past my lips or the stupid tears and damn quirk that makes everything damp and wet.

Like my bed in the Last One. Wet sheets clinging to my skin, Niko's trunk trumpeting loudly.

"Rin, pointing out your flaws in an exercise isn't- never mind," Sensei cuts himself off, sounding more frustrated than anything as his hand rubs stupid circles on my back. I hate that it's calming. I hate that he cares. "Kid, you need to breathe, you're gonna give yourself a panic attack. Another one, at that, and you've been doing better with not having them."

I suck in a ragged breath.

It's not fair.

Why did he care?

Why out of everyone in this world, was he the one that stayed?

Why hadn't Ryu or Mama?

I choke on emotions I don't wanna feel and turn, reaching for Sensei. Fingers clawing at his chest.

"It-It-It's not f-f-fair," I splutter out stupidly, words failing as they always do when I need them. I shove my nose in his sternum, feeling his hands in my hair, nails too short and thick with callouses. I wish they were Mama's. I want her. I want her nails in my hair and the sharp pinches at my skin and-. "It's not fair- It's not fair- not- not-"

"Breathe," Sensei says again, voice low and tired. "Rin, we'll discuss it in a moment. When you're calm. Now breathe, in and out. Ten times, come on now, if not, I'm gonna make you sit up."

I breathe.

It catches and shudders.

But I breathe, the hot taste of it smearing across my face. I breathe, Sensei's warm hands sliding against my back, his voice low and steady. I breathe until the panic subsides, till the tears fall away and nothing but that hollow quiet remains.

I lay my head against his chest and breathe, his thudding heart reassuring.

"S-Sensei?" I whisper, eyes aching from the tears.

"Hm?"

"Do… Do we have to talk about it?"

Sensei makes a noise almost like amusement, eventually cracking open one eye.

"You just had a panic attack over birds," he says flatly. "Absolutely."

He doesn't go on though, and I exhale.

Then, after several moments, he rolls off the couch and stretches.

Padding from the room, he disappears into the kitchen, rattling something before reappearing with a cup. I watch, half in a doze, as the dark-haired man fills it with water. He returns and gestures me to sit.

"Here."

I stare at it dumbly.

His look is not amused.

"Sit up and drink the water."

I follow directions quietly, shifting up and into my spot, taking the water. I don't realize until I've drank that first sip, exactly how thirsty I am. I gulp half of it down before cradling it in both hands. Sensei sinks onto his haunches and watches.

"Now, you wanna tell me what that was all about?"

I slump down into the sofa, wishing the floor could just open up and swallow me whole.

Crap…

"Ah…"

Sensei just folds his arms and waits.

I stare at the glass in my hand hollowly.

"I… I don't know…"

"You said you knew you messed up," Sensei states with a dour tone. "You normally don't respond so explosively to criticism, so what is it about this that bothered you? The weird way your quirk reacted at the end? That's what, twice you've mentioned it, losing control?"

I shiver.

And when I don't respond, Sensei frowns and sinks to the floor, sitting cross-legged.

"I can't read your mind, Rin. I can only make guesses. I don't know if this is about your performance, your near expulsion, or something else entirely. I'm going to need you to try, even if the words aren't easy for you. Even if you think I'll get mad."

My hands shake.

I pull the glass to my lips and sip again, wishing he'd let it go.

He doesn't though.

He waits, eyes half-lidded and lips downturned.

I hold the almost empty glass to my chest, pulling my knees up and leaning against them.

"I… I lost control," I whisper.

He tilts his head back, not looking angry or confused. He waits, and I realize he wants me to continue. I sigh, looking down.

"I hurt Midoriya and Bakugou and Todoroki. I don't want to watch it again. It—It sucks."

Sensei sighs.

"You were expected to attack them Rin. We've gone over this before. When we're in practical sessions and you're expected to spar, which means your best-"

"I could have killed them," I snap, interrupting him and hating the way he blurs. I run the back of my arm across my eyes, feeling the rough fabric dry away the tears. "It- I wasn't in control! I didn't care who they were. I would have killed them if Bakugou didn't stop me! You- You shouldn't—I—It's not okay! They-"

"What?" Sensei interrupts, brows knitting together as I trail off.

I don't go on, instead gulping down a lung-full of air. My whole body shaking as I close my eyes.

There are no more families after the first.

They send me to group homes instead.

One after another after another.

I always break at some point.

Sensei leans forward, hands folding together. He rests his chin on them and sighs.

"Ah," he says. He sounds tired. "I forgot. You were moved anytime someone got physically hurt."

I breathe raggedly, the memory of phantom hands on my shoulders dragging me away.

Suitcase in hand.

They'd leave with a smile.

"Rin, even if we watch a hundred different videos of you losing control, it won't change things. I will never abandon you. I will never give you away. The papers are signed in ink and hidden away. You're not going anywhere. And more than that, you're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to lose control, that's why I'm here. If I thought for a moment your classmates were in true danger, I would have stopped the exercise and intervened immediately."

My heart clenches.

Blinking blurrily down at my lap, I can't stop the tears from falling.

They spill across the glass pressed to my chest and onto my legs.

"W-W-Why?" I choke. I abandon the glass and reach for my legs, holding them. Squeezing them. My nails bite into the skin, the tiny bursts of pain grounding. "Why- Why do you—do you always promise and no- nobody else?"

Sensei makes a sound.

"Rin…"

I hate the sound.

"Ryu told me 'I shouldn't be there,' the moment he saw me," I confess, hating the way the words rip at my very chest. The way it aches all the way in the hollowness below. "He- He hadn't- We hadn't seen each other in years. Since- Since the gray suits took me away and- and the first- the first thing out of his mouth was 'You shouldn't be here.'"

I choke on a vicious laugh, finally dragging my face up.

Sensei remains where I left him. Sad. Quiet.

I don't understand.

How can anyone be so nice?

"He knew. He knew this entire time about Kaito, about me, about everything and he left. He left and Mama died and- and- and it's not fair."

I sob, rocking into the couch. My lips dry, my head aching.

"Wh-Wh-Why?" I whisper. "Wh-Why don't they care?"

Sensei moves forward, removing the glass and setting it to the side.

He reaches out, warm, calloused hands sliding across my cheeks. The rough pads of his thumb wipe at the tears.

"Rin," he says, too kind by far. There's nothing but steadiness in his gaze. "It's okay to hurt."

I shiver.

"It's… It's part of grief. Your mother died, your brother left, and it hurts. It's normal for it to hurt, for you to be angry or frustrated or sad. It's okay to miss them. I haven't stopped missing Shirakumo for fifteen years. It's not a hole that ever really goes away. It's… It's something you learn to breathe around… or learn not to consider too hard. Now take a deep breath. Good, again. Twice more."

I breathe, Sensei's warm hands grounding.

I reach up, holding his hands pressed against my cheeks.

I push against them, wanting his strength—craving their surety.

"Rin, you need to tell me these things," Sensei says, voice low as he lets go. I immediately miss the warmth. "Don't just bottle things up. If you're upset, tell me."

He stretches, reaching behind me, and pulls down the blanket. Shaking it out, he draws it around my shoulders.

"Now think of something happy. Either text your friends or go hang out in the lobby. We'll finish the video tomorrow, I don't know how much more of this hugging I can deal with."

Something warm and fond flickers in my chest.

"Th-Thank you."

"Hn," he says, dragging himself up to his feet and scanning the room. He finds Miska perched moodily in her cat tower. Crossing the room, he scoops her up and deposits the lanky kitten in my arms.

She purrs almost instantly.

I can't help the small smile, running my fingers through her soft fur and down her back. She arches her back and headbutts my chin.

Sensei, with a lingering glance, disappears down the hall and I close my eyes, feeling lighter for it all.

.

.

.

In the morning, I have an appointment with Tulutho. Apparently, Sensei set it up specially, since normally we don't meet until the afternoons. But I guess he called or texted or something, cause he tells me that n

Or was it Truth-san?

For the first time in a long while, I don't want to go.

Personally, I believe Pro-heroes are a blight on society. They make people lazy. Fighting for attention and hurting others to grow. It is a barbaric practice, one that hides rotten wounds with glitter and stardom. It is not a path I believe Rin would truly enjoy.

I hesitate at her door.

Fingers worrying at the ends of my uniform jacket.

Don't be a coward.

Just go in and ask.

She hadn't thought I should be a hero.

She hadn't sounded like she liked them at all…

Why?

Taking a deep breath, I press open the door.

Tulutho-san is at her desk. Dark eyes narrowed on whatever paperwork she's currently finishing up, the dark-skinned woman wears shades of blue and cream today, her hair wrapped in a colorful sky blue turban.

"Rin-chan, welcome! Why don't you sit, I'll join you in just a moment."

I push past the door, letting it close behind me, before shuffling forward to sit on the couch. Paper and different markers and colored pencils are there like usual. I hesitate, for once not interested in the mindless activity.

Tulutho makes a soft noise and stands, her tall frame rising several heads above most men. I wonder silently if she's as tall as Fat Gum…

I lower my eyes when she picks up her familiar clipboard, listening to the sound of her heels click as she joins me in her favorite chair.

"Hello Rin-chan," the tall woman says softly, her voice kind. "How are you?"

I consider the untouched paper in front of me quietly.

"I don't know."

Tulutho makes a sound, shifting in her chair.

"Hm… Perhaps we can figure it out together then? What emotions are you feeling now?"

Like usual, the tall woman makes it easy.

"Quiet?" I admit, not really sure if there's a name for that. Not quite peace, but the quiet that comes after a deep sadness. Tulutho waits, her dark eyes a lot like mine, almost the same color even. "And… and also happiness. Hitoshi sent me a funny picture this morning. Um… I… I have a question."

She sits back, not looking at all bothered.

"By all means, ask."

I lick my lips.

"On… On that day… when I had to meet with Principal Nedzu and he asked… he asked your thoughts. You… You said…"

"I said that personally, I did not believe you would enjoy being a hero?" the woman says for me, not looking at all disturbed. "I do not. What do you want to know about it, Rin-chan?"

I meet the woman's steady gaze.

"Why?"

She runs a shiny hand across her chin. She hums, a soft, warm tone, eyes flickering past me to the small window that pours a steady beam of natural light and making the space feel oddly home-like.

"Because it is my truth," she says at last. "Everyone has a different truth, Rin-chan, a perspective as you will. It is the lens through which we examine the world. Our truths are based on what we live, how we think and see. A villain who steals could be a hero in their own truth, and a menace to others."

I nod, brows furrowing.

That made sense.

Tulutho smiles, gesturing towards the door back to the rest of UA.

"My truth is that pro-heroes are… as a whole, problematic. I do not wish to taint your truths with my own, not here, it is not my place. When called upon, I can only speak truth, but I am not ready to share these here and now. So I will ask instead, why do you want to be a hero?"

After having heard the question so many times, I don't hesitate.

"To protect others, and help them, like Sensei and- and Uncle Zashi and Aunt Nemuri do for me."

She nods, as if having expected that.

"Hero work can be many things," the woman tells me, almost like a warning. I frown. "Have you decided on your hero partner?"

I furrow my brows.

"Almost."

"You are taking your time?" Tulutho asks, a small smile warming her entire face. She waits for me to nod. "Good. Patience can cook a stone."

I blink.

"What?" I ask, caught off guard.

The older woman gives a hearty laugh.

"Ah, forgive me Rin-chan. It is a phrase from my mother tongue," Tulutho chuckles brightly. "It means it is good of you to be patient. Taking your time, you will have much more time to deliberate, especially since you will get but one decision. Do you wish to talk about it?"

I shake my head, warmed by the praise. A moment later, I remember to use my words.

"No. I… I mean, no thank you."

"Then let us move on to other topics."