Dogma had always felt like he tried so much harder than many of his brothers, who frequently just did the bare minimum that they could get away with. Dogma had known so many brothers who would actually put a ridiculous and absolutely unreasonable amount of time into plotting how to get away with being lazy. Dogma had always hated it, because he thought it was impractical, against the rules, and completely pointless. If you spent more time and energy trying to get out of doing a task than it would have taken to just do the task in the first place, do you really have your priorities sorted?
As hard as Dogma worked, he had always felt like he was failing in one way or another. When he'd been on Kamino he had frequently been told that if he kept up with his studies and proved himself worthy, he'd be sent out onto the field early. All clones waited impatiently for the day where they got their first assignment.
Clones were usually sent out when they were ten standard. Dogma had been told since he was seven that he should be sent out early. He knew the Kaminoans hoped that he would be ready to be sent out when he was eight, but he didn't quite get there. He was nine before he was given his first assignment, and it wasn't because he'd proven himself. It was because the frontlines were short on soldiers and they were desperate.
The Kaminoans were perpetually disappointed, but Dogma had felt like he'd really let them down. Some of the instructors had taken the time to give him extra lessons. They'd seen something worthwhile in him, and he had failed to prove they were correct.
In the 501st, Dogma had just been seen as a shiny. It didn't matter that he'd been accepted into Torrent. It didn't matter that he'd seen battle, and he had his paint, he had still just been the new kid that they didn't really want around.
In the Guard Dogma had done his best to be one with the brothers. He tried to show his affection and appreciation for them. There was still a lot of improvement to be made, but he was getting better. He let his brothers care for him. He joined their vod piles. He was invited to join in their rare games, which meant they must actually want him around. He actually felt like he was part of a family with the guard, and not just another face among identical strangers.
He'd been getting better, and because of this he let himself get sloppy. He had forgotten the one thing he was supposed to prioritize over all else. He was supposed to be a good soldier, and soldiers didn't lock up and freeze just because they were thrown into a situation they didn't want to be in.
Dogma hadn't been ready to face the 501st again. Fox had told him it was okay. That he was allowed to be upset, and most guards had gone through the same kind of thing. Fox even told Dogma about his own bad experiences with his brothers. How when he'd first tried to reconnect with Commanders Wolffe and Cody, they had completely disregarded him. To this day Fox didn't know if they'd brushed past him because they didn't recognize him, even when he'd taken off his helmet, or if they just hadn't wanted to talk to him at all. Fox was too scared to ask, and Dogma could understand the feeling.
He knew that Fox was trying to make him feel better about his failings, but he didn't. He was supposed to be better than this. Fox had just raised an eyebrow at him when he'd pointed that out.
"I'm your Commander." Fox said. "I had more intensive training than you. Do you think I'm supposed to be better than my feelings?"
And Dogma hadn't known how to answer that. According to the Kaminoans, yes, Fox was supposed to be much better. Their creators wanted perfection from them. Especially the Commanders. But Dogma could also see that Fox was doing his best, and it was far more than Dogma himself would ever be capable of.
Fox was emotionally vulnerable sometimes, but he was a stronger soldier than Dogma was. He could actually afford the occasional weakness in an area or two. Dogma felt like he was flawed in every aspect, and his strengths just weren't enough to cover for it. That was why he needed to be better.
Dogma had been a fool to show just how emotionally weak he was. Shutting down had been bad enough, but he'd revealed to Fox that he wanted to rid himself of his emotions completely. Dogma just wanted to get rid of one of his many weaknesses, as well as the unbearable pain that came with it.
Clones were very sensitive about being compared to droids. They were individuals. They had personalities, hobbies, and emotions. It was incredibly taboo for a clone to imply that any of them was or should be a meat droid. If Dogma had said something like that with the 501st he would probably be pulled from duty and forced to the medbay for constant watch and some intense conversations with Kix.
Dogma knew that if the guard had the resources and manpower, they would do just that. They couldn't spare any of their men for more than a shift or two, and the medbay was for true emergencies only. But he wasn't let completely off the hook. Dogma's shifts were rearranged so he was confined to working within the barracks themselves.
That in and of itself wasn't too bad. There was plenty of work to do in the barracks, and it wasn't just busywork. It was stuff that needed to get done, and they often didn't have the man-power to get around to it.
Dogma did a lot of paperwork, but that was far from it. He painted and did general maintenance on armor. He worked as an assistant for their engineer when he finally had some time to spare to try to fix their heating and cooling systems. He finally got some training in the medbay, and now he could provide stitches and reset a broken bone, though they didn't want him to do so without a medic or Commander there just in case.
Dogma had even done some work in the kitchen. Fox was usually very strict about who could work in the kitchens, because there were a lot of guards who would take the chance to sneak a little extra food for themselves. They never did it out of greed or selfishness, they were all just hungry and barely had enough to eat to function.
New guards were rarely allowed to work in the kitchens, but Fox knew that Dogma was not going to break the rules. As long as he was passing out the food, everybody would get just what they needed based on their needs. No more, and definitely no less.
Dogma didn't really mind working within the barracks. He liked seeing all of the underappreciated work that went on behind the scenes. He couldn't wait to get back to his regular schedule though, just because he didn't like the way that Fox was constantly watching him.
He knew the Commander was just concerned for him. He'd made that perfectly clear. But a voice in Dogma's head told him that Fox was looking for any more signs of weakness. He thought that Dogma was going to break, and he was just waiting for it to happen.
Dogma had a hard time being patient, but he found ways to be productive. In his free time he started to read through all of the notes he'd taken back on Kamino. He just wanted to freshen up on every little thing they'd been taught. And a part of him hoped that there was something in there that would tell him how he could fix himself.
Dogma had read through his notes before. It was a calming method for him, and helped him to gather his thoughts when he was overthinking things and couldn't sleep. It was mostly just an occasional thing, because he preferred to read fictional stories that Kix had shown him how to find on the holonet.
Dogma didn't think he had ever read through his notes from start to finish. He didn't read it all in one sitting. He was far too busy for that. He went back to his notes when he could, and he noticed some odd things that he hadn't put together before. Occasional connections and patterns. One in particular stood out to him.
Way back when he was just five standard, Dogma had started taking notes, and one of the first things he'd written had been a question that had been asked during training, and the answer provided.
Why are clones discouraged from building relationships?
We were created to be soldiers. If we get too attached, we could be emotionally compromised.
That answer made a lot of sense to Dogma. Whether he liked it or not, he was currently emotionally compromised. Just seeing Fives and Jesse again had him shutting down. He didn't know what he would do if the same thing happened with Tup or even Hardcase. Fox was giving Dogma all the time he needed to pull himself together, and that was something he wouldn't have been able to do if there was a true emergency and they needed all hands on deck.
Dogma hadn't even lost his brothers in the war. He was just separated from them right now. But his feelings about the 501st were hindering his ability to work, and making his Commander rightfully doubt his capabilities.
Dogma wouldn't have thought twice about this question, except he came across it again later in his notes. When he was seven he wrote down a similar question, though it was worded a bit more strongly, and the answer was different.
Why should clones avoid emotional attachments?
We are going to work under the Jedi. They are forbidden from having attachments, and to respect their beliefs we should avoid them as well.
This one wasn't as clear to Dogma as the last one, but it still made sense in a way. He knew how hard it was to try to avoid brotherly relationships with the other clones, and Dogma was nowhere near as outgoing as so many of the others were. It was really hard to be the one sitting at the side, watching as others laughed and joked with each other while you were left out, longing for something that you didn't think you could have.
Being in charge was hard, and came with a lot of stress. Dogma could understand why they'd been taught to reduce those stresses as much as they could by not throwing their close bonds in their generals' faces.
Dogma then found this kind of question written a third time. It was from his notes when he was eight and really struggling to meet the Kaminoans' expectations.
Why are 'close relationships' forbidden for clones?
Relationships and bonds are a right for sentient beings. You are not a sentient being. You are a tool. A weapon created for the Republic to use as it sees fit. Just because the Kaminoans granted us emotions does not mean we have the right to abuse them.
Dogma knew that he'd been taught something along these lines on Kamino. It definitely wasn't surprising. He was just a little confused and bothered by how different the three answers were from each other. At first he wondered if it was a difference of opinion between instructors, except Dogma kept track of who his teacher was when he made notes, and all of these answers had been given by Kaminoans.
For the most part, Kaminoans were very consistent in their teachings. They communicated with each other and made sure there weren't drastic discrepancies. Sometimes they changed the curriculum a bit, but they still remained consistent. These answers shouldn't be so different.
Dogma was curious about what other clones remembered to be the answer to this kind of question. Which one was right? He supposed it didn't really matter, but he hated not having clear answers. He couldn't just turn off his feelings and attachments. He'd tried. But if he understood what the true spirit behind that rule was, then he could find another way to still follow it.
A part of him wanted to call up Tup. They'd shared some lessons on Kamino, so maybe his Vod would remember this particular lesson. But he didn't know if he could handle calling Tup when he still hadn't gotten over running into Jesse and Fives. And even if he could do it, he was scared his question would hurt Tup. The first time that Dogma calls him since this assignment, and it was to ask him why they shouldn't care about each other. Even Dogma knew that it would be a cruel and heartless thing to say.
Fortunately, he had someone else he could talk to. Somebody else who might have taken notes back on Kamino, because they understood the importance of following the rules.
"Fox?" Dogma knocked on the door to his commander's office and let himself in. He felt a little awkward doing so, but Fox had told him multiple times that he could just let himself in should he need anything at all, even if it was just to talk. And Dogma felt comfortable enough around his commander to take his word for it. If he was allowed to call Fox by his name rather than his ranking, then he was allowed to go into his office and at least ask if he was busy.
Fox was sitting at his desk, trying to catch up on paperwork. He looked up when Dogma came in, smiling. "Ad'ika." It was so weird to be called that, but it felt so nice. He knew that according to the Kaminoans, he shouldn't pursue or encourage relationships like this, but he couldn't avoid this. Maybe he was selfish, and maybe that made him a bad soldier, but he wanted to be cared about. He wanted to let people care about him.
Dogma grabbed a stack of the paperwork and sat on Fox' pillow on the ground. Whenever he came in for a talk, they both did paperwork as well. Talking distracted them from the repetitive task, and the work distracted them from a hard conversation they may be having.
"What's up?" Fox asked. Dogma was starting to get used to the casual form of address that Fox used with the guard when there was nobody else around. This wasn't Commander Fox, it was older brother and guardian Fox.
"I was looking over my notes." Dogma said. He didn't feel embarrassed or defensive about the admission the way he would have with the 501st. They would have teased him mercilessly about it. Even Tup and Hardcase would participate, though they could usually tell when they took things too far.
Fox and the guard wouldn't tease him about his notes. They knew how tightly he held to the regs, and they respected it. Dogma actually thought that a number of the guards who had been here the longest would be interested to learn how much things had changed since they left.
"I found some inconsistencies that I don't really understand." Dogma said. "I thought maybe a fresh pair of eyes could help."
Fox set down the work he was in the middle of. "If it gives me a break from looking for another senator's requests for disciplinary action, I'd be happy to do it." His words implied that he just wanted to help because it gave him an excuse to slack off, but Dogma knew that wasn't the case. Fox didn't run from his work, and he definitely didn't use his men as an excuse to do so.
Fox was just teasing him, and it didn't sting. It was actually funny, because Dogma knew he was joking. Was this what Fives and Jesse had been trying to do the whole time?
Fox stood up and stretched before coming around the desk and sitting on the floor next to Dogma. He handed him his datapad, and they both got to reading.
Dogma had left quick links to the parts of his notes he was most curious about, so that Fox could go from one to another with just a tap. The two of them read for several minutes before Fox sighed and set the datapad down.
"I guess I don't need to ask if you really learned all this stuff on Kamino." Fox said. Dogma just looked at him. "I can't believe what they're teaching you kids these days."
"What answer were you given for this kind of question?" Dogma asked. Fox pursed his lips and gave him an odd look that Dogma really didn't understand.
"This wasn't brought up in my training." Fox said quietly. "At all."
Dogma blinked. He was pretty sure that Fox would have still been in training when Dogma had been given that first answer, before the curriculum had drastically changed. "Maybe…maybe you forgot?" Even as he said it he realized how dumb he sounded. Fox didn't scold him, but he called him out for it anyway.
"The Kaminoans drilled things into our heads." Fox said quietly. It was a fact that Dogma was well aware of. "Even if we don't remember specifics, we remember what we were taught. Especially if it was something they deemed important, and if the Kaminoans taught you something three times, they definitely considered it important. So why wasn't it ever brought up for me?"
Fox' tone was an odd one. He sounded like he knew the answer, but he didn't understand it, and he really didn't like it. Dogma was just in the dark, because he genuinely didn't understand why Fox hadn't learned this type of thing. He knew that the Commanders' lessons had been a lot different than his. Stricter, and far harsher. Fox and his brothers had been created to be leaders.
It would make sense for them to learn things that Dogma didn't, but why would he learn anything that they didn't? That wasn't how it was supposed to go.
A weird feeling was building up in Dogma's chest, but he pushed it down. He was sure there was an explanation, and it wasn't his place to understand it. He was just a soldier. His job was to follow orders and do what he was told, not question why.
He thought that Fox was going to ask some pointed questions like Tup and Kix would have. Instead his commander shook his head and looked at the datapad. "I'm curious what other things you've been taught. Maybe if I knew what they're teaching on Kamino then I can better know how to get through to our brothers."
It made sense, and Dogma trusted Fox. "You can borrow my notes, if you want." They weren't really a private thing. The only reason Dogma had never shared his notes with others before was because nobody had been sincerely interested, and anybody who wanted to see his datapad probably had malicious intentions.
Sometimes Dogma would lend his datapad to Tup when he wanted to read something fun, or to Hardcase when he couldn't sleep and needed a distraction. But Dogma had always been right at their side as they used his datapad. He wouldn't hesitate to leave his datapad with Fox though, for however long he might want it.
"Thanks, kid." Fox said. "You know, I'm glad you stopped by. I've been wanting to talk to you."
Dogma didn't feel the spike of fear and need to prove himself that he always got when being addressed by a superior. He didn't know whether he was more surprised by his lack of fear, or by how normal and natural he felt about it. Fox would always be his commanding officer, but he was more than that.
Dogma felt a very small pang in his head at the thought. He knew the Kaminoans would disapprove of him being so relaxed around his commander, and he'd probably be disciplined severely if they knew he put his relationship with Fox above seeing him as his commander.
But they couldn't discipline him, because they weren't here. And he wasn't there. The Kaminoans couldn't touch him. The thought was a relief, but also made his head hurt sharply. It felt even more sacrilegious than speaking poorly of the Jedi Generals.
Dogma pushed those thoughts and the accompanying pain to the back of his mind. It was all too easy to do.
"Sir?" Dogma gave Fox a curious look.
"I know you're anxious to get back to work as normal." Fox said. "If I had my way, I would wrap all of you up in thick blankets and never let anything hurt you, but I can't, and I know none of you would want me to if I could." He was right. As good as it felt to be taken care of, it was in their blood to serve and protect. They would probably go insane if they couldn't be useful.
"I don't want to have you working the drunk tank again if it can be avoided." Fox said. "Not because I think you're not capable of it. You handled it remarkably well. I just don't want you to get hurt again. If you think I'm overstepping my boundaries, I'll back off."
Dogma shook his head. "You're not overstepping, Sir. I-I appreciate the concern. If you don't want me in the drunk tank, and if I can still be useful during my shifts, then I won't work the drunk tank." It was a weight off his shoulders that he hadn't even known was there. Dogma didn't want to run into the 501st again, and they obviously had unscheduled breaks and visits to Coruscant. If he didn't have to risk running into them, he'd feel a lot better.
Fox smiled at him. "I can put you on a senate shift tomorrow. You'll be working with Thire. Just be careful. Take care of him, and let him take care of you."
"I won't let you down, Sir." Dogma said. His chest warmed with the trust that Fox was giving him. Not only was he being allowed to work after completely shutting down just a week ago, but Fox was trusting him to watch out for his vod while they were partners in the senate shift, which was one of the shifts where the buddy system was the most important.
"I know you won't, ad'ika." Fox said. "You haven't yet." He put a hand on Dogma's shoulder. "I know you haven't eaten well all week. That's fine for barracks work, but you need more than just one meal's worth of energy. I'll let the kitchen know. They'll make sure you're taken care of for dinner."
Dogma was grateful. He hadn't exactly been starving all week. He hadn't even been unreasonably hungry. He just hadn't felt satisfied after his meager meals. Having a more sustaining dinner, a long rest, and a good breakfast was just what he needed before getting back out there.
There was a little more small talk between Dogma and Fox as they sat together in his office and returned to his paperwork. Dogma knew that he was supposed to be relaxing and resting, but being with Fox and helping him was exactly what he needed to unwind and mentally get ready for the next day.
He trusted that he would be just fine. He still didn't understand his weird notes from Kamino, but that was the least of his concerns right at this moment. They'd prepared him to be a good soldier, and he was doing his best to fulfill his role. He knew by their standards that he wasn't good enough, and he probably never would be. But Fox was the one he was serving under, and Dogma knew he was good enough for his commander.
He would still try to be better, but maybe the best he could manage right now could still be enough for the guard. For his new vode. Maybe he could be good enough.