Changes

"So... how'd last night go?"

I look around the corridor; true to my word, I'm going to be one of the very first people to breakfast this morning. Well, Alice and I will be. And I am unbelievably excited about the prospect of eating as much eggs, bacon, and toast as I can handle.

I take my time answering. Despite her love of sleeping in, Alice offered to come down with me to my early breakfasting, and now I know why. Not that I'm surprised she wants an interrogation. If our positions had been flipped, I'd do the exact same thing.

Satisfied the corridor is clear of eavesdroppers, I respond.

"It went... good..." I say.

"Yeah?" Alice asks.

"Yeah," I answer, going for casual.

But it must not work, because Alice peeks at my face. "Lily! You are blushing!"

"Am not!" I protest, covering my cheeks with my hands. My hands feel alarmingly cool against my face.

"Spill," Alice demands.

"I didn't make you tell when you kissed Frank!"

This is the wrong thing to say.

"Lily! You kissed him? Again?"

"I didn't say that," I mumble, but it's too late. Alice is already making that high-pitched excited 'eep' noise that comes with lots of giddy hand-flapping and shining eyes.

"Tell. Me. Everything," she says.

"It was just one kiss, Alice," I say as we walk into the Great Hall. Or, like James pointed out, more than one. (Depends on how you count it. Alice doesn't need all the details). "We're not officially together or anything."

"Why not, though?" Alice says, sitting down midway up the Gryffindor table. I'm surprised to see Marlene already there across from her, sitting with Emmeline. Emmeline says something quickly to Marlene and darts away, but I don't care. I grab a blueberry muffin and stuff it in my mouth before I'm even all the way in my seat.

"This is so good," I moan around the crumbs.

"Lily, focus. Why. Not?" Alice asks, buttering a slice of toast from the stack in front of her.

"Why not what?" Marlene asks, looking interested.

I ignore her. "Because... I don't know. It's so not like that," I promise. "I mean, I'm not avoiding him anymore. But we're good. We're friends. It's all back to normal around here."

"Morning, Lily," James says, appearing from nowhere to plop down on the bench next to me and plant a kiss on my cheek.

Marlene shrieks. She has to cover her face with her hands to muffle the following hyena-like laughter.

"Yes, very normal," Alice says, completely straight-faced. She takes a bite of her eggs while Marlene positively howls into her sleeve.

"What do you think you are doing?" I say to James. "Did you not listen to anything I said last night?"

"Sure did," he says, grinning and leaning over me to help himself to the stack of toast in front of Alice. "It's a bright sunny winter morning, I like you, you like me... I see nothing wrong here."

"James," I start, but Sirius interrupts, looking grumpy as he slides in on the other side of James.

"Nothing wrong," he grumbles, "Except that I didn't get any sleep last night thanks to you."

"Why not?" Marlene asks, calming down enough to lean forward.

Peter and Remus sit down next to her, looking as equally rumpled as Sirius. "None of us did," Peter says. "No offense, Evans, but I never want to hear your name again."

Everyone laughs except me. I'm too busy shoveling breakfast down in an effort to hide my blush.

Even James laughs, very un-self-consciously and with a shrug. "Couldn't be helped," he says. "Very important matters to discuss."

"How come you didn't keep everyone up last night, Evans?" Peter accuses. "Marlene and Alice seem perfectly well rested."

"Clearly she was worn out from her busy night," Remus supplies before I can, and everyone laughs at me some more.

"Alright then," I say, standing and pushing my last slice of bacon in my mouth. "You are all way too much for me. I'm going to class."

"Twenty minutes early?" Marlene calls as I leave. I wave without turning around.

James catches up with me before I even make it out the Great Hall doors. "Where are you going?"

"I already told you all. I'm going to class."

"What about breakfast?"

"I already ate." We exit into the Entrance Hall.

"Are you upset?"

I have to smile. "No."

"Good," he says, and takes my hand.

Again, like last night with that first kiss, it's as easy and natural as if we've been holding hands for years, and not like... literally once before. I relish the feel of his fingers interlaced with mine, the warmth that starts there and spreads up my arm to curl in my chest like a flame.

"But," I say as we start down the stairs to the dungeons, "I am worried about you."
"Why's that?"

"I meant what I said last night – I don't know how much you should read into this." I raise our clasped hands and shake them. Nice as this is, I can't get too comfortable with it, not when there's still so much he's not telling me.

"Right," James says. "The secrets. You don't totally trust me."

"Right," I say. "And..."

"And?"

I blush. I shouldn't get so self-conscious about any of this kind of stuff, not after last night, not while the evidence is very literally at hand while we walk to class. "And you... you mean too much to me. We've barely just become friends and I wouldn't want to ruin that if... if something went poorly. Between us."

"I mean, I guess I get that reasoning but... I also think that's a bit stupid."

"Hey!" I exclaim.

He grins. "Let me get a couple things straight. You do get that I like you, right? Like, definitely more than friends? I made that clear enough last night?"

My face flames. "Yes," I mumble.

His smile grows. The mischievous edge is back. "Good. Just making sure. And... you like me, yeah?"

I squeeze my eyes shut. "Obviously."

"More than friends?"

I whack his shoulder. "Yes, you idiot. Get to the point! Merlin, how much reassurance do you need?"

He laughs. "Okay, okay! My point is, if that's all true, why can't we just enjoy this –" he copies my earlier move and shakes our hands again – "and not worry about all the other stuff?"

"You make it all sound so easy," I say.

"Doesn't have to be complicated."

We're nearly to the Potions classroom now. "I'll think about it," I say.

He squeezes my hand. "Works for me."

"Switching topics," I say, partly because the flame in my chest is growing too hot and persuasive, and partly because what I have to say is important.

"Go for it."

"Okay. Plan for today. I have to talk to Severus."

James wrinkles his nose but nods. "I suppose it's unavoidable."

"So that means I won't be sitting with you in Potions," I remind him.

"Why not?"

"Please," I say, dropping his hand to pull open the dungeon door. Because we had breakfast so early this morning, we're also ridiculously early to class and no one else is here yet. "He won't say anything if you're around."

"Like he's going to say anything anyway in the middle of Potions," James complains following me to a table up front. "I suppose you think Rosier and Mulciber are just going to sit back and twiddle their thumbs while Snape spills all their secrets?"

Hmm. Good point.

"Okay," I say, setting my bag down in my chair. "New plan. I'll talk to Sev after class. He's got a free period. It'll be perfect."

"Except that you don't have a free period next, Head Girl," James says. He knocks my forehead. "Transfiguration, remember?"

"Shoot," I say. I frown, considering. "No, you know what? I'm still going to do it. This is too important."

James had started across the classroom to get his cauldron from the large storage cabinet, but he freezes and then turns to me with an incredulous expression. "You're going to skip class? To talk to Snape?"

"Yes?" I say, but it sounds a little like a question.

"But you never skip," he says.

"I know," I say, already regretting it. "But I have to. This will be the best time to get Severus alone, and Professor Dumbledore asked me to talk to him as soon as possible."

James stares at me for a long moment, an odd expression on his face.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing," he says. "I'm just so proud."

I roll my eyes and start unpacking my potions kit.

"Also, I can't believe this is your first time skipping class and I don't have anything to do with it." He thunks his cauldron down on the table and then goes to get mine.

"I mean, if you want to think about it as me doing Professor Dumbledore's assignment, which is also assigned to you, you're part of it," I say. "And I thought I said you weren't sitting with me," I add as he settles in the seat next to mine.

"Ah, but the plan has changed," he says. "So I think I can sit wherever I want. And that, Evans, is right here."

/

Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how Sev might feel when he saw James and me sit together for Potions today.

I mean, he's seen us sit together plenty, James and I sat together all the time before holidays; when Sev and I were fighting, yes, but also I kind of rotated between sitting with Severus and sitting with James when we were on good terms.

However, that doesn't mean he can't tell that something's different today. It's not like James and I hold hands or anything. And our conversation really does stay perfectly normal (take that Alice!). We talk about Christmas presents and our mates and what I hope they serve for lunch (despite my breakfast binge, I'm already hungry again). We get our Antiseptic Potions brewed and stay on task and everything's normal.

But...

There's a new ease in the way James interacts with me. It's in the way he leans closer when he laughs, how he doesn't hesitate to wipe a smear of rue paste off my sleeve, or give my hair a playful tug. And it's in the way I let him.

So when all our potion messes are cleaned up and Professor Slughorn lets us go, Severus is already halfway down the corridor.

"Good luck with that," James says.

"Grovel to McGonagall for me," I say, and we head our separate ways.

"Severus! Hey! Wait – SEV!" I holler as I sprint down the corridor towards him.

He turns.

Unfortunately, I have further miscalculated when a couple other students turn, too.

I falter. I feel so stupid. Severus isn't the only one with a free period next. "Um... hey Sev. Rosier. Mulciber."

"Uh... hi, Lily," Sev says, looking surprised. "What are you doing? Don't you have Transfiguration next?" Behind him, Rosier and Mulciber glare at me, Mulciber looking extra scary with a shiny red swatch of skin puffing his left eye into a permanent grimace. I try to ignore my heart pounding against my ribs. If we were right about them being who attacked me not even a week ago...

"Yep," I say, focusing on Severus. "McGonagall wanted me to... talk to you about... about your essay before holidays," I invent wildly. "Yes. She asked me to bring you to her after we finished in Potions today."

"Oh," Severus says, and I can't tell if he believes me. I flick my eyes between Rosier and Mulciber and mentally beg him to understand. I want out of here. "Okay," he says, his tone betraying nothing. He turns to his Housemates. "I'll catch up with you later."

I try not to breathe a sigh of relief when they grunt in agreement and continue away from Sev and me. Mulciber does send one look over his shoulder at us before they disappear, but it's more confused than suspicious.

"You," Severus says, "are a terrible liar. You're lucky they don't know you well enough to know you pull your hair when you aren't telling the truth."

"What?" I say. "I don't do that."

"You do," he says. "How do you think I could always call you out when we were kids?"

"Huh," I say. "I thought you were just like... scary good at reading minds."

He smiles but shakes his head. "Legillemins is super advanced, Lily. No way was I doing that when we were twelve."

We walk in the direction I usually go after class, towards the stairs that will take us to the upper floors of the castle.

"So what's this really about?" Severus asks as we start to climb. He checks his watch. "You need to be quick – class starts in like one minute." But when he goes to continue to the next floor, I turn instead. "Wait, where are you going?" he says.

"C'mon," I say. "We need to talk."

I stop in front of the door to the left of the statue of Boris the Bewildered. "Moonglade," I say, and it swings open. I step through confidently, but Severus hangs back.

"I can't go in there," he says, alarmed.

"Why not? I say. "It's fine. It's not like the prefect room, you don't need a badge. Just the password, and I have that."

"But that's a bathroom," he says, shifting uncomfortably.

"And it will be very private," I say. I grab his arm and drag him inside. "Hurry up before someone sees, this is important." He stumbles over the threshold, but I keep a firm grip on his arm and when we're all the way inside, shut and lock the door behind us.

"This is..." Sev looks around, taking in the empty swimming pool-sized tub and hundreds of taps.

"I know," I say. "Bit excessive for some prefects, isn't it?"

"Weird," he says. "This is weird, Lily. Why are you skipping class to drag me into the prefect bath?"

"I told you," I say. "We need to talk, and this was the only place I could think of where we for sure won't be overheard." I walk over to the tub, intending to sit on the sunken bench, but then hesitate. I wouldn't put it past the bathroom to booby-trap us if we tried to sit in the tub together, even if it was entirely innocent. If the girl's staircase in Gryffindor Tower magically transforms into a rather perilous stone slide when a boy tries to climb, I can only imagine what a magical bath would do.

"Actually..." I say. "Let's just sit against the wall."

Severus turns pink and hurries to slide down the same wall the door is on.

I sit next to him.

"So weird," Sev says again.

"Get over it," I say, nudging his leg with the toe of my shoe. "We've got things to talk about."

"Yes, we do," he says, looking at me. "I wanted to talk to you yesterday but I couldn't find you anywhere. Were you sick or something?"

I mentally berate myself. If I hadn't been so determined to avoid James yesterday, I might have been able to talk to Sev before meeting with Dumbledore, and then I would have been able to tell Dumbledore for sure whatever Sev has to say.

"No," I say. "Sorry. I was... having a weird day. It's fine now."

Sev raises his eyebrows.

"Just tell me," I say. "You said you know who attacked me?"

Just like that, the mood shifts. Severus's eyebrows go from high up his forehead to drawn low in concern.

"Yes," he says quietly. "Yes, I know who it was."

"Who was it?"

He hesitates, chewing his lower lip.

"It was Rosier and the others, wasn't it?"

He meets my eyes and gives one tiny nod.

I exhale and tip my head back. It's what I'd been expecting, what I'd been almost sure of after talking to Professor Dumbledore last night, but still, to have it confirmed...

"You're sure?" I ask.

Sev nods again, short and sharp.

"How do you know?" I press. This is a huge accusation, and there can be no room for error.

"They told me," he whispers.

"What?" My shock echoes around the empty marble room.

"Not all of it!" he hurries to clarify. "And not until recently. Just... on the train back. The four of them..."

"Rosier, Lestrange, Mulciber, and Regulus?" I check.

He nods. "Yes. They were talking on the train about... about the holiday, and how hadn't it been fun to... to..." He hesitates and glances at me.

"Tell me, Sev," I say, trying to sound gentle, but inside I scream for him to spit it out.

"Look, Lily. What I could tell you... it could get you in serious trouble if you know. I don't... you don't need to know. I could tell you that it was them for sure, and you need to be careful, and you'd be safer for that." He looks so worried, so despairing, I almost back off.

But... that's not me. I have to know. And I want good information for Dumbledore. This is it, this is big, I know it.

"Just tell me, Sev," I say again, soft.

He takes a deep breath.

"They were talking on the train about how it'd been a good time finally getting into the family business." He pauses. "All their parents are... are Death Eaters."

"All of them?"

Severus nods.

"But Rosier's dad – he's at the Ministry!"

Severus nods again. "Cyril's too. And both of Rodolphus's."

I'm probably more shocked than I should be. I remember something Frank Longbottom had said a long time ago, about his Auror dad being suspicious about Ministry infiltration from Voldemort's supporters. "What else did they say?" I ask.

Severus frowns, struggling to remember. "I don't remember for sure... they were being all secretive about it, but Lestrange definitely mentioned a wedding... and then when you said you were attacked by Death Eaters at your sister's wedding..."

"Can't be a coincidence," I finish.

We sit in silence. The marble tiles leech the heat from my body the longer we sit.

"I just can't figure out how they knew where to find me," I say. I'm still hoping it wasn't Emmeline who snitched on me. I bite my lip then ask hesitantly, "Did you say anything –?"

"No!" Severus yanks himself out of his reverie, his eyes wide and frantic. "Of course I didn't! I don't know how they knew, but I would never –"

"No, of course you wouldn't. Sorry. I shouldn't have even asked."

"It's fine," he says, hunching forward. "I guess I don't blame you. I know you and your friends have been suspicious about me all year."

"I just don't understand what you've been doing with them, Sev," I say. "You're not always with them when they're sneaking around, but you are sometimes. And now you're telling me you knew their parents are Death Eaters? What were you thinking?"

"You don't understand what it's like, Lily. They're all I had last year. You know how school's been for me, how life has been for me. You were all I had before. And then I didn't even have that. So when Evan finally paid me attention last year, it was like I was finally in somewhere. And I didn't know at first about all the Death Eater stuff. But like I told you earlier, once you do know... there's no going back. I'm serious, if they found out you know..." He trails off, but I don't really need him to finish. I've got a burn on my arm still that reminds me of the consequences of getting on the wrong side of Rosier and his crew.

Wait a moment.

I pull up my sleeve to examine the burn on my upper arm. The raging crimson it was the night of Petunia's wedding has dulled to an angry pink, the new skin growing in shiny. I rewind my memories to when I'd noticed Mulciber's face after class, the irritated skin around his eye, the shiny red quality that exactly matched the injured spot on my arm, like the injury source was the same, delivered the same amount of time ago. A burn.

From the forest battle.

The evidence against them is overwhelming.

Severus, oblivious to my realization, is still talking. "They're not all bad," he says. "It's not like they go around thinking all Dark thoughts and doing Dark things all the time. They've been good friends. Evan's actually pretty funny, once you get to know him, and Regulus understands what it's like to have messed-up family dynamics..." He looks at me, noticing my exposed arm, the injury there. "Lily, what happened? That looks terrible!"

"You should have seen it a few days ago," I tell him. "As for what happened – I already told you, I was attacked. You know Mucliber's face? Doesn't it look like my burn? Like he got it the same night I did?"

"They did that to you?" Severus asks. He points at my arm, and he's gone very pale.

"Yes," I say.

Severus closes his eyes and breathes deep through his nose a few times. When he opens them back up, they're furious.

"That's it," he snarls. "Inexcusable. Rosier promised... he said he'd leave you out of everything."

"Leave me out?"

"Of what we – they've been up to this year. Rosier swore you were making all the Hogsmeade stuff up but… Lily, I'm so sorry. They really did attack you then, too, didn't they?" He looks positively anguished.

"Yes," I say.

He groans and rubs a hand over his eyes. "I've been so stupid," he says. "I should have listened to you."

"It's okay," I say. "What matters is you know now, and now you know you can't hang around them anymore."

But Severus is already shaking his head. "No." The angry glint is back in his eyes. "No, I'm not going to change that."

"What?" I asked, alarmed. "Sev, you can't possibly think –"

"No, I don't. But this is perfect. They think I'm on their side. I can give you more information about what they're doing the more I find out. I can help you."

This is exactly what I'd been proposing to both Alice and James all along – Sev choosing our friendship over his Housemates and working as a spy for us. But they'd been convincing me for so long it would never work that instead of feeling excited, the idea makes me anxious. "I don't know, Sev," I say, chewing my bottom lip. You'd have to be so careful. You said so yourself, it's dangerous to know these things."

"I will be careful," he says. "They already know you and I are friends. I can play all of this off like I'm feeding you false information. They'll love it."

I think it over. It would be absolutely brilliant to have Sev on the inside like he's proposing, to know all the Slytherins' moves before they made them.

"Okay," I say. "Let's do it."

Severus grins.

"And..." I say. "Let's get out of this bathroom. You're right. This is a weird place for a conversation."

When we leave, the corridors are still empty. I check my watch. There's still ten more minutes until classes get out. "Library?" I suggest.

"Do you really already have homework you need to work on?" Severus asks, though he starts walking in that direction anyway.

I shrug. "Not really. I finished Herbology and Jarvis was the only other one who gave any yesterday. It was just patronus practice for those who still don't have it down. Speaking of..." I peek at him. "How's that going for you?"

He sighs. "I thought I was getting it but... still nothing. Sometimes that mist, but no actual patronus yet. So I guess I can look forward to that patronus practice later today."

"Really?" I exclaim. "Still nothing? That purse is stuffed full of patronus fuel by now!"

"I know," Sev says ruefully. He pulls it out of his pocket and examines it. "I don't know if we'll even be able to add anymore to it this term."

The purse in question is purple and we'd spent all last term stuffing it full of scraps of parchment detailing all the best memories we've made together in an effort to find the perfect happy memory for Severus to cast a patronus. Like he said, it had seemed like we were getting close, so honestly I'm a little shocked it hasn't worked for him yet.

"Well maybe that's what we can work on in the library then," I say. "Patronus practice. Let's get this figured out."

"Thanks, Lily," Severus says.

I smile at him and lead the way. It's a relief to be friends again.

Even if I'm worried for Sev about what the cost might end up being.

/

Dear Lily,

Thank you for writing so quickly. It does your poor mum's heart good to hear from you so soon. I'm sorry if it all seems a bit excessive, but you'll understand one day what it's like to send a child out into the world and fear you won't always be able to protect them.

Now that I know there's a Wizarding war going on, and it's affecting the Muggle world, I've been reading the news differently. Did you know that attack on Petunia's wedding wasn't an isolated occasion? At least, her wedding wasn't the only social event where odd accidents happened over your holiday break – explosions, unexpected injuries, those kinds of things. Petunia's only wasn't reported because you and James managed to prevent anything from happening. Anyway, I can't help but wonder now if these things are related.

Keep writing, sweetheart.

I hope your first few days back have gone alright and you're not avoiding James anymore. Don't try to deny it; I'm your mother and I know your tendencies. Let him off the hook, dear. He's a lovely boy.

Love,

Mum