Chapter Sixteen: Worse than Coventry

The boys straggled back up at the lawn, their chests felt oddly hollow and empty - as if their hearts had plummeted right down into their kneecaps … but their stomachs felt heavy and sick with dread. James dared a glance sidewards at Sirius - but Sirius was staring straight ahead of himself, his skin was white as a sheet.

McGonagall had come to a stop in the hallway. 'You two,' she barked at the Gryffindors, 'up to my office and wait for me there. You two,' she beckoned to the two conscious Slytherins, 'come with me to Professor Slughorn's office,' and with the stretcher still hovering at her side, she led Mulciber and Avery down into the dungeons.

Without saying a word, James and Sirius made their way upwards - dragging their feet and fighting the urge to run. They reached the Gryffindor head of house's office and went inside. There was a pile of Transfiguration essays on the desk - their essays … It felt strange seeing the essays they had written, already marked and ready to be handed back in class on Monday … knowing they would not be there to get them back.

James gulped. 'We could just … make a mad dash for it,' he struggled to get his words out.

'And go where?'

'Dunno - but if we stay they'll snap our wands. If we go on the run…'

'Yeah - we could do that, couldn't we?' Sirius's eyes had suddenly lit up. 'Just run down the stairs and out of the castle grounds and just … start walking. Make our way back to London. We could live in Diagon Alley - kip in the Leaky Cauldron in an empty room and nick food from the shops. No one would even know we were there.'

'Or better yet - we only make them think we've run away. We stay here - in the castle, in that secret room behind Urqhart the Unusual. It's right by the kitchens - we could scrounge food and sleep during the day and come out into the castle at night.'

'Yeah - if we snuck into the library, we could still learn how to do stuff. Like we could find out how to conjure ourselves some sleeping bags and…'

Their fantasy was interrupted by the door slamming, and McGonagall walking into her office. She was breathing heavily and her cheeks had ugly red splotches on them. The boys went silent, quailing in her presence.

'Snape has been taken to the Hospital Wing - he has no serious injuries and will live,' she said to them, settling herself behind her desk.

'Oh - er … good.'

'Yes it is, Potter,' she barked at him, leaning forward - her eyes flashed dangerously. 'You have no idea how lucky you are. What were you thinking? Did I not make it plain that more than just being dangerous to yourselves, it was cruel to the tree to treat it that way? Now I have thought the pair of you to be thoughtless on occasion, far too wrapped up in your own cleverness, but I had never - before this night - considered that you were cruel . I must confess, I am disappointed to discover it.'

Both boys flushed - and looked at each other guiltily.

'Now - as for the matter of your punishment …' she took a deep breath, the angry red stain on her cheeks deepened. The boys closed their eyes and waited for the axe to fall. 'Professor Slughorn is refusing to expel his own students,' she said bitterly. 'And I will not expel Gryffindors for actions that Slytherins are equally guilty of and are getting away with…'

The boys opened their eyes again - suddenly feeling a lightness; their hearts beating in their chests once more; the weight lifting from their shoulders; the leaden knot of dread melting away in their tummies. They held their breaths - hoping - yet not daring to believe …

'Therefore I will give you each a month's detention. And a hundred points from Gryffindor. Each . And if you think you are happy to remain in the castle now - wait until the morning, when you have to explain to your fellow Gryffindors why we will now be coming last in the house cup. You will not sit together in class any more. You will miss every break time for the next two weeks. You are not to leave the common room apart from for meals or to attend lessons and detentions - even at the weekend. Boys - consider yourself under house arrest - and in solitary confinement as often as i can cause it to happen. And know this … you may have slipped out of expulsion this time, due to Professor Slughorn's... ' Her nostrils flared and she took a deep breath, '... well, I'll not speak ill of a colleague. But you are, from here on out, on expulsion watch. One step out of line - just one toe - and I will have your removed from this castle and your wands snapped in two. Do I make myself clear?'

'Yes, Professor McGonagall,' they both mumbled.

'Good - now get to bed.'

The boys tumbled from her office, not quite believing they had got out of there so relatively unscathed. A few steps down the corridor and it began to sink in. James was jubilant. 'We won - I was the last man standing - Snivellus wound up in the Infirmary and we didn't get expelled. I think we showed the Slytherins. Wait until we get back and tell the others.'

But Sirius's face was dark, he dragged his feet along - causing James to slow down and turn back to look at him. 'What is it? What's wrong?'

'How did Big Macca know where we were going to be?'

'Well she … must've looked out of a window - seen us.'

'In the pitch black? All the way down by the forest? I know she's got eyes like a hawk but…' he broke off and snorted.

James looked troubled, 'what are you saying?'

'Think about it, mate. She knew exactly where we were going to be and when. That wasn't an accident. Someone told her.'

'Who could possibly have known?'

'No one - apart from two people.'

It was James' turn to snort. 'If you think it was Peter or Remus…'

'Well it had to be someone.'

'I don't believe it.'

'Why not? - The evidence is staring you in the face.'

'Because … because they're our friends - our friends wouldn't - wouldn't … betray us like that.'

'Clearly one of them would.'

'I don't believe it …' He bit his lip and flushed a little as a thought he was not proud of crossed his mind. 'But - say I did … which one?'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Oh come on, James - who begged us and shouted at us and yelled at us not to do it? Who got in a right strop and stormed off somewhere earlier this evening? Who is the one that never liked us going near the tree in the first place? The only one of us who has never played roulette himself…'

'Remus? ...I don't believe it.'

'Well, believe this! I saw him coming out of Professor McGonagall's office just before teatime today - and he wouldn't tell me why .'

'Oh … bugger.' James bit his lip. 'Maybe there's another explanation.'

'An explanation where he's not a sneaking, snitching, little git who nearly got us expelled?'

'But - it's Remus.'

'Yeah - secretive, weird, maybe a werewolf - hates that tree - Remus . I'm telling you, he told. He wanted to go straight to the Prof over Petra being bullied as well, remember? He's a tattletale - when it comes to anything that isn't his own weird secrets, that is. Them he can keep just fine. All the evidence is there.'

'So - what do we do? What do we say to him?'

'Nothing - I'm not talking to the sly, little bastard ever again.'

'We can't just stop talking to him.'

'Yes we can - he could have got us expelled. We wouldn't have been talking to him if we'd been chucked out and were sitting at home with our wands snapped in two. He obviously doesn't care if we're here to talk to him - so now it goes two ways. He's dead to me.'

'That's a bit melodramatic.'

Sirius shrugged. 'So I'm melodramatic. I'm still not talking to the foul git - and neither are you James, unless you want me to stop talking to you too.' His voice got louder, sounding more and more angry as he delivered his ultimatum.

'But -'

'Don't you get it?' He was yelling now - and his eyes were shining in the dark. 'I would have to have gone home! I'd have been stuck in that awful house with my awful family - and Reg would have come here in September and I could never come back and I'd never be a proper wizard and would have to live with my mum and dad's constant disappointment and muttering about me and hitting me - not feeding me properly. And I would never get to escape! My home isn't like yours, James. Mummy and daddy would buy you a new wand and get you a private tutor - or send you to Beauxbatons. And I'd have been trapped in that awful tomb of a house - that prison - with people who despise me, just because someone who was supposed to be our friend betrayed us. Well - he isn't my friend anymore - and he never will be again. And that is my line in the sand, James. If you're friends with him - I'm not friends with you.'

James was staring at him with a slightly open mouth … Sirius had never said so much about his home-life before - he didn't know what to say. 'I -er- ' he shifted uncomfortably. 'Well, alright. We'll go to bed, shall we? - See how things look in the morning.'

'They will look exactly the same. They'll look like we got sold out by someone who was meant to be our friend. You don't just forgive that.'

'No - well - we'll see. Maybe - maybe in a few weeks time we can ask him why he did it. If he did it. Maybe he'll have a good explanation. I mean … we could have been killed. Better expelled than dead, right?'

Sirius snorted again. 'Not if you're me.'

'Don't say that. Come on - let's get to bed before Big Macca finds us and kicks us out for real this time.'

…

When Remus woke up, there was a moment when he didn't remember why he felt sick - and close to tears. This, unfortunately, would prove to be the best moment of his day. The memory came rushing back in far too soon - his mum. Hope was dying - and he was here, being told not to go to her yet. And soon she would be gone … and what on earth was he going to do without his mum? … He was only twelve.

He sniffed - and used his fists to brush away the tears that had sprung into his eyes. It wouldn't happen, he told himself fiercely. He would get his miracle. He was magic, wasn't he? What was magic if not small miracles happening every day? What use was he, if he couldn't magic his mum better?

He nodded to himself and stiffened his spine. He would spend every spare minute wishing for a miracle, he would screw up every last ounce of magic inside of him and aim it right at his mum - give it all to her and leave himself with nothing, if that's what it took. He would make her better - sheer force of his will would cure her - and a letter would come from home and Professor McGongall would call him into her office - and she wouldn't look sympathetic and her eyes wouldn't be watery. She would look waspish and acerbic as ever and would bark at him that his mother was cured and he needed to get his Transfiguration homework done - no excuses.

And then it would be the summer - and Hope would be better, really better. And they could spend the holidays doing nice things - muggle things that she would enjoy. And she would live for years and years, until Remus, himself, was a middle aged man - or older - and her breath would never rattle in her chest again and there would be no dark circles under her eyes. She would be beautiful again - like she had been before he had got bit … and ruined her life, and destroyed her health… before he had started slowly killing her just by being himself.

He gave himself a shake. Thoughts like that would not help. Recriminations would not save his mum. His love for her and his magic and his sheer force of will was what was going to save her.

But it was important no one at school should know the truth, he told himself. If people knew, they would sympathise, they would be kind to him … they would act like she was dying. They would let her die by believing it was real. He was going to fix this by believing hard enough that it was not - he couldn't have people kindly telling him it was hopeless. Because if he believed it was hopeless … then it was. And he was not letting that happen . As far as everyone else was to know, nothing was wrong - and he would work silently to force the universe to make his mother better.

He nodded again - held himself straight - and tried to ignore the desperate tug of fear in his heart … and the way he felt sick with worry.

He pushed the curtains back - just in time to see Sirius and James getting out of their own beds. He forced a smile on his face - he mustn't let on anything was wrong. 'Did you go last night? I'm guessing you won - as you're still here.'

Sirius snorted - and turned his back on him. Remus frowned. 'What happened?' he asked James.

James glanced awkwardly at Sirius. He opened his mouth - as if to answer - but then closed it again when Sirius shot him a furious look.

'Come on, James, breakfast,' Sirius said. 'You coming, Peter?' And then - without a backwards look at Remus - he left the room. James looked awkward again and then hurried out of the room.

'Peter - what's going on?'

Peter shifted uncomfortably. 'They said I wasn't allowed to talk to you,' and then he too fled from the room.

Remus sat back on his bed - frowning all the deeper. He didn't understand - unless … a sudden bolt of horror shot through him. Had they worked it out? His secret? Did they know what he was now - and didn't want anything to do with him? His eyes filled with tears again. It wasn't that he hadn't always known they would turn against him if they ever figured it out - no one wanted to be friends with a werewolf - but did it have to happen now? Did they have to leave him all alone now?

Miserably, he got dressed and went down to breakfast. As he entered the Great Hall he saw the three of them see him, and then put their heads together - ostentatiously ignoring him.

He flushed. He couldn't bear this - didn't think he could cope right now … If they told anyone else... He looked around warily, to see if anyone else hated him all of a sudden. But everyone else was carrying on as normal - and he took a seat beside Lily.

'Morning,' she said to him. Which was more pleasant than she had been since her birthday. 'Are you ignoring the idiot twins too? We're so angry with them. Though I've told Sev he's a right idiot, as well.'

'What?'

'Last night with the Whomping Willow - the whole lot of them are lucky not to get expelled. But Thick and Thicker over there lost us 200 points. Have you seen the hourglasses this morning? - We're coming last in the cup. And it's all because of them. No one in Gryffindor is talking to them. So - have you seen the light as well?'

'Er … yeah. They're… they're mad I'm mad at them. Think I should be more understanding.'

She snorted. 'Oh - we understand all right. They're idiots! What else is there to understand?'

She was interrupted then by the owlpost arriving - and, as always, she covered her bowl of porridge with her arms to protect it from the falling feathers.

An owl flew down to Remus and landed beside him, he took the letter - recognising his father's handwriting, and opened the envelope.

Dear Remus,

I'm sure Professor McGonagall has spoken to you now - and I know you will be very frightened and upset. I know you must want to come home - but there is nothing you can do here and your mum desperately needs her rest. She needs quiet - and I need to take care of her. It takes up all my time. I wish this could be easier - for all of us - but it is better that you stay at school until it comes time to say goodbye

I know it's pointless me telling you not to worry - to tell you to think about other things - but please try and remain as cheerful and focused as you can. Do not dwell on things that cannot be changed. Try hard in your lessons, have a good time, stick close to your friends … and I will see you soon.

Love, Dad.

There was another letter in the envelope too - a much shorter one. It was written by his mother - and he could tell, just by how shaky her handwriting was, how tired she must have been when she wrote it, how weak - how much it must have drained her just to hold the quill.

Dear Remus,

Please don't be sad, baby. I worry about you worrying about me - and I only want you to be happy. At least I know you have those wonderful friends to take care of you, that gives me a lot of comfort. I will see you soon.

Love always, Mum.

'News from home?' Lily asked, spreading marmalade on her toast.

'Yes - er … yes.' He hastily folded his letters into his pocket, hiding them away.

'Everything alright?'

'Fine.' He cleared his throat. 'Absolutely fine.'

'Well - rumour has it, Potter and Black aren't allowed out of the common room except for mealtimes on a weekend - so we're all off outside to avoid them. See you out there?'

'M- maybe … I have homework to do.'

The girls got up and left. The boys also stood up at the exact same time - but Lily stuck her nose in the air and marched past them without looking. They pulled faces at her behind her back - and then made their surly way out of the hall, still ignoring Remus.

Remus watched them go ... if they knew about him, they hadn't told anyone else. Lily was still being perfectly friendly and she wouldn't be if she knew he was a dangerous monster. In fact she was being more friendly than she had been in months, now she thought he had fallen out with James and Sirius.

Only he hadn't fallen out with James and Sirius. They had fallen out with him … He just didn't know why.

He thought back to this time yesterday - when all he had to worry about was stopping them messing with that awful tree and discovering the secret passage - and wished desperately that he could go back in time.

He made his lonely way back to the common room, but when he got there he saw his three friends - former friends - sitting in a group, whispering. They went quiet when he came in - and once again turned their backs.

He flushed, pretended not to notice, and picked up his school bag and left the common room again - as if that was what he had always intended to do. And then he headed to the library.

He spent almost all day in there. Trying not to cry mostly. He worried about his mum; he tried not to worry about his mum and reminded himself that he was going to fix her. He focused all his energy on her and sent "get well" thoughts through the ether. He tried not to think about Sirius and James - and wonder why they had told Peter not to speak to him. He tried not to worry that the whole school was about to find out his secret - and he would be forced to go home … and live there without his mum.

No. He corrected himself. She would be there - he was going to make her well again. Of course she would be there - for the rest of his life, to keep him safe and protect him, even when the rest of the world drove him out. She was not going anywhere.

He took out her letter and read it again.

She was worrying about him worrying. And that must be making her feel even more poorly. Well, he could put a stop to that - even if he couldn't fix any of his other problems. He grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment and began to write.

Dear Mum,

Of course I'm not worried. I know what strong stuff you're made of - of course you will be fine. I will see you soon - and everything will be OK. You'll see. I'm having a great time at Hogwarts. I've had to sneak off from my friends to get this written - because we're so busy having fun all the time. They know you've not been well - and they take good care of me and always make sure I'm OK - so you have nothing to worry about. Just concentrate on feeling better - because things could not be better for me and you have no reason to worry … even if that is your job.

Lots of Love, Remus.

He went up to the owlery to borrow a school owl and send the letter off - and, as he tied it to the owl's foot, he very carefully did not think about the time he had come up here with his friends to send a letter to his mum asking for those muggle books… and how nice it had felt to be one of a group. To belong. And how he had still had time with his mum left back then …

But the wish to be able to travel back in time became almost overwhelming - and once again he found himself having to fight back tears.

Unable to face returning to the common room and being ignored and hated, he stayed up in the owlery until it got dark. The night drew in, the air grew colder - and still he stayed there - not even bothering to go down for tea - until it was time to go to bed. The next day was Sunday - and he thought he might hide away up here all day tomorrow too.

…

Nothing improved over the next week. Remus still found himself receiving the silent treatment from his friends. They acted like he simply didn't exist - and he didn't know why. He sometimes thought of grabbing them and demanding to know what he had done wrong … But he was so close to tears all the time over his mum that he was afraid he would just burst out crying if he forced a showdown … and so pride kept him silent.

He got letters from home every day - and he replied every day as well, because that gave him an excuse to go and hide in the owlery. And he could sit with Lily and the girls in most lessons. Not in Potions though … Snape's presence beside Lily, down in the dungeons, forced Remus to work on a bench by himself. And with no one to help him out, or save him from disaster in the nick of time, he managed to melt his cauldron - while at the same time his potion took on the consistency of concrete and stuck inside the now softened and misshapen metal.

As Slughorn shouted at him, and he felt everyone smirk in silence around him - he found himself trying not to cry yet again.

Not in public. He was too old.

He couldn't always help himself from crying when he was alone in the owlery though, or hidden away in a corner of the library. He was so lonely, and so afraid for his mum. And though he desperately wanted to believe he could save her - deep down he knew that wasn't true - and then he felt guilty because he was giving up and letting her die.

He had never been more miserable in all his time at Hogwarts. And if it wasn't for the fact that his being at home would distract his dad from caring for his mum, Remus would have begged Professor McGonagall to let him leave school.

And on top of everything - the full moon was approaching! He was beginning to feel sore and achy, his skin prickled, his bones burned inside of him, he had a constant headache - and no amount of sleep would leave him feeling rested.

But he still wrote home everyday - telling his mum what a great time he was having, inventing wonderful adventures that he had stolen from the things the girls in her muggle books had got up to, and just adapted them to make them magical. She wasn't going to worry about him. She would never know he was broken and lonely. Even if he couldn't save her - and he absolutely was going to - he would give her that much at least.

He just needed to hang on until the moon, he told himself. If he could just get past his next transformation then things would not look so bad.

...

By Thursday - James had had enough of staying in the common room and following the rules. On the way out of the Great Hall after tea, he stopped by the cupboard he had stashed his invisibility cloak in, checked no one was looking and then shoved it up his robes.

Once Remus was asleep, hidden behind his curtains as always, James crept from his bed and quietly woke Sirius and Peter. 'Come on,' he whispered. 'Adventure time - I've got my knife, let's go find out what's in that locked tower room.'

On silent feet, they padded their way out of the dormitory - opening and closing the door as carefully as they could so it would not creak and wake up Remus. And then they made their way to the first hidden entrance point that led past the Charms corridor and all the way up to the hidden tower and it's mysteriously locked door.

Once in the tower, James took out the knife he had received for his birthday - the one that could unlock any door - and inserted it into the keyhole. He turned it, heard the click - and pushed the door open.

Inside, they found a circular room that was lit only by the large, silvery moon which seemed to hang just outside the window. There was a small table beneath the window and on it rested a large book made of yellowing parchment and bound in black dragon hide. There was a quill lying dormant beside it - and a silver inkpot … though there was no ink inside.

'What is this?' Peter asked. His voice was hushed. There was something about the room - an aura - that seemed to demand hush, even reverence. It had the air of a very ancient and important library … and yet there was only the one book.

They crept forwards - and looked at the writing on the page. It was just a list of names.

'I don't get it,' Sirius said. 'Why is this locked away?'

James reached out and turned the page - but the next sheet of parchment was empty. No new names had been scribed there as yet. He leafed backwards through the book - an idea was beginning to form in his mind. He stopped on the piece of parchment twelve pages back and gave an excited gasp. 'I get it,' he said.

'What is it?'

'Look at the names.' He pointed. Sirius and Peter peered down at them.

'They're our names.'

James nodded his head. 'Yes - all of them, look - you, me - Pete - Evans - Snivellus - our whole year is written down here. And I bet …'

He leafed back another fifty or so pages. 'Yeah - look - there's my dad. How old is your mum, Sirius?'

'106? I dunno- she looks it, miserable old hag - er …' he screwed his face up. 'Maybe 50?'

James flicked forward a few pages and pointed, 'see - yeah - Walburga Black. Right there… How come your mum's maiden name is the same as her married name?'

'My mum and dad are cousins.'

'Blimey - how many toes do you have on each foot?'

'Five and half - same as everybody.'

James burst out laughing, and then clapped his hand to his mouth. This room felt like it did not quite approve of laughter.

'So ... what is it?' Peter asked again.

'God, Pete - don't you get it?' James rolled his eyes. 'This book records the name of everyone who comes to Hogwarts. All the witches and wizards in the country. This must be how they know who to send the letters to.'

'Hang on a minute,' the light of devilment had suddenly lit up in Sirius's eyes, and he leafed feverishly through until he found what he was looking for. 'Yeah - there - page after us … Reg's page.' He took out his wand.

'Er - what are you doing?' James asked him.

'Giving my mum the fright of her lifetime,' Sirius grinned wickedly. He pointed his wand directly at his little brother's name. 'Erado,' he whispered. White sparks flew from the end of his wand … and before their eyes, Regulus's name vanished from the parchment - as if someone had just taken an eraser to it and blotted it out. 'Excellent,' Sirius looked very pleased with himself. 'Come on - we should get back before we get caught. We'll be expelled for sure if we're found out of bed.'

And so they turned the parchment back to the leaf they had first found it on, left the room, locked the door and crept back down the secret passage towards Gryffindor tower.

…

Remus woke up in the night. He was restless and everything ached and his heart felt like a stone and he was, as always now, close to tears … and so it took him a while to notice that the dormitory seemed unusually quiet. But, after a few minutes, it began to register that he could not hear Peter's deep and even breathing, or Sirius tossing and turning under the covers, or James' loud snoring.

He pulled his curtains back to take a look, frowning as the moonlight flooded in at him, and sure enough - he found the blankets pulled back and the three beds empty. The boys had gone on another nighttime excursion … without him.

He tried not to cry. That was all he ever seemed to do these days - get left all alone and try not to cry.

The door suddenly opened, as if by itself - and then the others appeared from thin air as James pulled the cloak off. They froze when they saw Remus awake and looking at them.

'Where have you been?' He demanded.

Sirius snorted and got into bed without looking at him. Peter gave a frightened glance towards Sirius and then copied him. James carefully folded his cloak and put it back in the trunk.

'James, where have you been?'

James looked awkward, 'just - out - forget about it.'

'But you're on expulsion watch. If McGonagall found out …'

Sirius snorted again, 'why don't you go and tell her?'

'I don't want to get you into trouble - but I don't want you getting you into trouble either.'

'Well you should have thought about that before you -'

'Just leave it, Sirius,' Peter squeaked, cutting off the other boy's fiery retort. 'You're not supposed to be talking to him.'

'Right.'

'But why ?' Remus cried - and to his horror he felt the tears begin to prick behind his eyes. 'What did I do?'

'Don't play dumb, Lupin, it doesn't suit you.'

Sirius using his last name somehow cut deeper than anything else. His tears threatened to spill over and he went quiet and took a few deep breaths before he spoke again. 'James - where did you go tonight?'

'We just went to investigate that locked room - nothing dangerous - you don't have to tell Big Macca - we didn't do anything…'

'Apart from Sirius rubbing his brother's name out of the book,' Peter corrected. James and Sirius both gave him an angry glance, and he went quiet.

'What book?' Remus narrowed his eyes, 'what's going on?'

James sighed. 'We found out what was in the room. It's just an old book with the name of all the witches and wizards born in this country written down in it. We reckon it's how the prof knows where to send the letters to when it's time to tell kids they can come to Hogwarts.'

'But … what's this about Regulus?'

James bit his lip and didn't say anything. Sirius folded his arms across his chest and looked defiant. 'It's just a prank I played on my mum. I rubbed out Reg's name - so he isn't in the book, so he won't get his letter.'

Remus's eyes widened in horror. 'Sirius! That was really cruel!'

Sirius flushed … this was the second time he had been accused of cruelty in a week. And he didn't like it. 'It was nothing!'

'Your brother won't come to Hogwarts! That's not nothing!'

'Oh, of course he'll come. Reg has got tons of magic. I've seen it and so's my mum. No way will she stand for her little pureblood prince not coming here. She'll kick up an almighty stink, Reg'll prove he's a wizard - no harm done. I just want my mum to have a heart attack when it looks like Hogwarts thinks Reg is a squib. It'll be funny.' Though he was looking less sure of himself now.

'That wasn't funny - that was mean. It's not a joke on your mum, it's a cruel trick on your little brother. You should treat him better than that.'

'Well why don't you go and tell Big Macca on me then?' Sirius snapped. 'Really get me expelled - that's what you want isn't it?' and with that he drew the curtains around his bed and disappeared from view. Though the tossing and turning that went on behind the curtains - for many hours - suggested he was not really sleeping.

...

By Friday - Remus had been alone for a whole week. Trapped in a waking nightmare of having no friends and being desperately worried for his mum … and trying to pretend that everything was fine.

Sirius seemed even more angry with him than usual, today. He kept glancing at him - his haughty face glowering - his eyebrows drawn together and his mouth etched into a deep frown. Remus supposed he shouldn't have told Sirius off last night - he clearly didn't like it. And after all - who was he to tell off someone like Sirius Black?

As he sat by himself at lunch, he resolved that - if he should ever manage to make another friend ever again (and he didn't suppose he would) - he would never tell them off or stop them from doing what they wanted to do. Clearly that was not how friends were supposed to behave. Well, he wouldn't know - he had never had any before Hogwarts. But obviously he had done something very wrong in trying to make James and Sirius behave themselves when they didn't want to - and he would never make that mistake again. If only someone would ever be willing to be friends with him again, he would let them do whatever they liked.

His thoughts were interrupted when he became aware of Alice, the prefect, hovering next to him and looking worried. 'Remus,' she said softly - too softly … it made his stomach lurch inside of him, like he had just missed a step in the dark. 'Professor McGonagall has asked me to tell you that you need to go to her office right away.'

His mouth went dry. The tears - always so close to the surface - prickled behind his eyes. 'Did she - did she say why?' he rasped. His heart pounded in his ribcage.

Alice shook her head, but from her sorrowful expression he knew she had at least guessed more than she was letting on. 'She just said it was urgent. I'll - I'll take your things back to the common room for you, OK?'

He nodded - and stumbled to his feet. The freezing fog of dread had descended on him and he walked away without even remembering to thank Alice for passing on the message. He didn't quite know how he was putting one foot in front of the other, his legs felt all wobbly and like they couldn't quite support him … and he didn't know how he was managing to keep moving. But, somehow, he was - and his footsteps were eating up the corridor, bringing him inexorably closer to the thing of which he was most afraid.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and crossed his fingers inside of them. This couldn't be what he thought it was. If he could just keep his fingers crossed all the way to McGonagall's office, then when he got there she would bark at him to tell him she had had a letter saying his mother was cured and he needed to hand in his homework. That was why she wanted to see him. His homework was late and his mum was fine. He just needed to keep his fingers crossed.

Someone bumped into him in the hall, knocking his fingers apart inside his robes for just a moment. That didn't count, he told himself, crossing them again quickly. That was an accident - but if he could just keep them crossed all the way to McGonagall's office from this point on - then all would be fine.

The door to her office suddenly loomed up in front of him - forbidding and terrifying. He took a short, gaspy breath, willed his heart to beat less quickly in his chest and then - with his fingers still crossed - raised a fist and knocked…