Chapter Six: Hairy Snout, Human Heart

Remus felt his whole body flush hot then cold then burning hot again, and he knew that - even in the dark - the scarlet of his face must be visible. Tears stung in his eyes. Sirius and James were staring at him - and he was vividly reminded of the time James had pulled back his curtains just as he was getting changed, exposing his awful scars to all the boys. Only this was a hundred - a thousand - times worse.

Peter was looking confusedly between the three of them… though it did not take long for him to notice where James and Sirius were looking. His eyes landed on Remus - and Remus was sure he saw the flicker of fear … and disgust in them.

McGonagall was suddenly looking very stern indeed. Her nostrils were flared and her lips were thin. 'You three,' she barked at James, Sirius and Peter. 'Get back to the castle. Now. Do not speak to anyone - go to your dormitory and go to sleep. If I find out you have not done precisely this I will make sure all three of you are expelled. Go.'

They blinked at her, blinked at Remus, and then stumbled off through the forest.

McGonagall then snorted in disgust at the centaur. She reached out and put a gentle hand on Remus's shoulder. 'Come on, Lupin, let's go to my office.'

He nodded blankly, still too horrified and humiliated to fully comprehend what was happening - and allowed her to lead him back to the castle.

…

The three boys barely said a word to each other as they made their way back to the common room. And true to what Professor McGonagall had demanded of them, they went straight there and spoke to nobody - save to give the Fat Lady the password.

'Bristly whiskers,' they mumbled, and then tumbled through the hole and went up the spiral staircase to their room at the top of the tower. They shut the door - sat on their beds - and stared at each other.

'Well…' James said after a very long time. 'That answers that.'

'I don't understand,' Pete said. 'What happened? Why did that centaur call Remus a - a wolf?'

'God, Pete, don't you get it? Even now? Remus is a werewolf.'

'What?' His eyebrows shot to the top of his forehead and he shook his head disbelievingly. 'No - he can't be - he sleeps in the dorm with us. That isn't safe.'

'Well he doesn't spend the full moon here, does he?' Sirius said witheringly. 'Why d'y' think he disappears every so often?'

But Peter was still shaking his head, and starting to tremble. 'But it would never be safe. Werewolves are … they're dangerous… they're dirty … they're…'

But they never found out what the third thing Peter thought of werewolves was - as he was cut off when two pillows hit him full in the face. Both James and Sirius had lobbed theirs at him at the same time.

'Don't be soft - and give that back,' Sirius swiped his pillow back.

'There's nothing wrong with Remus, Peter,' James told him solemnly. 'He's been a werewolf as long as we've known him. He's been a werewolf most of his life, I think. He's still exactly the same person he was half an hour ago. Nothing has changed just because now you know. Not unless you let it change. But he's still the same.'

'But what was Dumbledore thinking, letting him come to school?'

'He was thinking Remus is a bloody good wizard with a right to be here,' Sirius barked.

But James looked troubled. 'Dumbledore … he does know, doesn't he? And McGonagall - did you see her face in the forest?'

'Of course they know, they have to. They must have made the arrangements to keep him safe at the full moon…' But Sirius's expression was not quite as confident as his voice.

'What if they don't? What if this is the first they've heard of it? … They'll make him leave.'

'No … no - Dumbledore wouldn't do that.' He shook his head vehemently. 'He gives people chances.'

'What if he could only stay as long as no one else knew - what if he has to leave because his secret is out now?'

'Only to us! And we won't tell. We knew anyway.'

'What?' Peter looked astounded to hear this.

'James figured it out months ago. Only we didn't have proof.'

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'Did you just hear yourself, Pete?' He screwed his face up and made his voice high pitched as he imitated Peter's words. 'Werewolves are dangerous, werewolves are dirty. We couldn't tell you without proof. You'd have freaked out. You are freaking out.'

'I'm not freaking out!'

'You just don't think Remus is safe to sleep in the dorm with you.'

'Boys,' James interrupted them. He sounded weary. 'Stop arguing. This is serious. What are we gonna do if they kick Remus out?'

'Well we won't let them, will we? We'll leave too - simple as.'

James nodded. 'Yeah - alright.' Though Peter looked less convinced. 'Should we wait up for him?' James asked. 'Ask what McGonagall said? Even if they're kicking him out, he'll have to come back for his stuff, won't he?'

'They won't make him leave until morning,' Sirius said. 'His dad would probably have to come and get him. We should go to bed.'

'But -'

'Look - whatever McGonagall's said to him, he'll be dreading having to come back here. Having to face us. So let's make it easy for him, right? Let's just be asleep.'

'He might think we don't care.'

'That's the point! We don't care! We don't care that he's a werewolf and we need him to know that. So let's not make it a big deal. Get to bed - both of you. Just … let him get into the dorm and into bed without having to speak to us, alright?'

They nodded and, silently, they all pulled their robes off and their pajamas on and got under the covers. Once in bed, James frowned up at his canopy. Peter huddled under his covers and worried. Sirius tossed and turned and could not lie still.

…

In McGonagall's office, Remus had been given a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits. She was treating him the same way she had treated him when he had returned to school after his mother had died - and he supposed the situation was almost as dire. His secret was out. This was the end. No more friends. No more fun. They wouldn't want him in the dorm - and even if Big Macca tried to hush things up - she couldn't keep them quiet forever. Not when they would be so disgusted. The rest of the school would find out.

And then no more school.

He would have to go home, and he could never be a part of the Wizarding World again. He would have to live as a muggle … Though it was the loss of his friends, and not of magic, that was really hurting him. He hated to be alone. He had got so used to being loved … it would be very hard to go back to being just him by himself again.

'This is regrettable, Lupin,' McGonagall told him. And he noted the touch of asperity in her voice, and the fact she wasn't using his first name … perhaps she did not yet think the situation was so very beyond dire. Perhaps she did not think things were beyond saving. 'But I assure you, we will not allow your secret to travel any further than your friends.'

He nodded his head - thinking of how they would not be his friends now.

'Not that you should have to keep it a secret, of course. It is nothing to be ashamed of … But the world is as it is and it is my job to keep you safe. And that means not letting the students - and their parents - know the truth. I am quite sure I can keep those three quiet. And I will expel any of them that dares breathe a word of this in school or at home. It is not you who will be made to leave, Lupin. You do know that?'

He nodded again. She said that now … But once the parents found out, and the complaints rolled in - and he was met with hatred and fear and disgust from all sides … of course he would go in the end. They would all agree it was the best thing for him - even Dumbledore.

'Now - if you'd rather not return to the dormitory tonight - you may go to the Hospital Wing. I will speak with the boys in the morning, of course, and you can stay away from the common room until after that - if you prefer.'

He considered it. But hiding would do no good. He would have to face them sometime - might as well get it over with. 'No thanks, Professor - I - I'll be alright. I'll go back to the dorm.'

'Lupin - everything will be all right. I promise.'

'I know.' Though he didn't believe her. 'Good night, Professor.'

…

He held his breath as he pushed the dormitory door open - afraid of the hostile faces and the insults he might face, or worse - the coldness, the being ignored. They had ignored him for a short time last year - and it had cut into him like slithers of glass then.

But he couldn't blame them. Not now. No one would want to be friends with a werewolf; he was too dangerous, too broken and tainted. No one would want a creature like him near them. And he had just spent the past year lying to them; pretending to be normal; tricking them into thinking he was just like them. They had a right to be angry with him. But he was still so very afraid as he pushed the door open.

It came as a relief, then, to be met with darkness, and the even breathing of Peter and the loud snores of James. It seemed they had done exactly what McGonagall had told them and gone to bed.

Without switching on a light - and moving as quietly as he could, so as not to disturb them - he got onto his own bed, pulled the curtains closed and got undressed. He hesitated a moment, as James snorted in his sleep and rolled over … but nothing else happened and he continued changing into his pajamas.

As he got under the covers and stared up at the canopy, it occurred to him that there was no sound whatsoever coming from Sirius's bed… and that made him wonder …

Sure enough, he had barely settled down when he heard the movement, the creak of mattress springs and then the footsteps. Sirius was coming for another night time visit. He held his breath and worried what this one would bring.

The curtains parted - Sirius's handsome head poked through, same as always, and he asked 'can I come in?' polite as ever.

Remus nodded - still not breathing. But Sirius just crawled onto the bed, got under the covers and then … wrapped his arm around Remus's shoulders.

'Have they kicked you out?' he asked.

'What? No. Why would they kick me out?'

'We were just worried … in case they didn't already - you know - know … about you.'

'Of course they all knew.'

'Well, good. I'm glad you're not in trouble. Because we weren't going to let them kick you out. We were going to leave too. But … well, this way saves us all a lot of bother… We did - we did already know, you know? About you? We'd already figured it out. Me and James.'

'Wh - when?'

'Ages and ages ago. James guessed at Christmas and told me. I didn't believe him at first but … well, he was right. It was always the full moon you disappeared for. And everything else fit. You know … ' he looked uncomfortable, 'your scars - it all made sense.'

Remus flushed. 'Why didn't you say anything?'

'We didn't know how to bring it up … and then with your mum and everything … we wanted to tell you; that we knew and that it didn't make a difference. It doesn't, you know? Make a difference. Not to us.'

He flushed even deeper. 'How can it not make a difference?' he said miserably.

'Because you're still you! You're still Remus. You can still wee higher up the wall than us, and are the best at skimming stones and Defence and are still the only person I know capable of melting multiple cauldrons just by standing there chucking stuff in a pot badly.'

Remus had started to smile, biting his lip - and unable to believe what he was hearing. 'I am really bad at Potions,' he said.

'You're the worst. A genuine liability. Pete is better than you - and that's … quite an achievement actually.'

They both snorted with laughter. 'That's not kind,' Remus said remembering himself. 'Pete's not a bad wizard.'

Sirius smiled at him fondly, 'and you're the one who tells us off when we go too far - the only one of us with any common sense. You're much kinder and nicer than me and James - we do know that. And we're not going to abandon you just because you turn into a … well a … a great .. hairy monster every so often.'

They both snorted with laughter again.

'It's not your fault,' Sirius told him. 'We know that. We know it doesn't change anything… at least…' he looked uncomfortable again. 'Me and James know. We didn't tell Peter, though. He was a bit freaked out when he finally understood what was happening. But he'll be fine. If he doesn't get over it, we'll hex him until he does. And we'll make sure he doesn't go squealing it about school.'

'He'll get expelled if he does,' Remus said, remembering. 'McGonagall's going to talk to you all tomorrow - threaten you with Merlin knows what to keep you quiet.'

'Oh - I like that! You turn into a werewolf and yet somehow I'm the one that gets dragged into Big Macca's office to get balled out. How is that fair?'

They both laughed - and shoulder-barged each other… and Remus could not quite believe this was really happening, and was not some wonderful, wishful dream. He pinched himself to check - and then caught Sirius looking at him.

'Nothing will be different tomorrow,' Sirius said to him. 'I promise.'

…

When he woke up the next morning, the first thing Peter noticed was that Sirius's bed was empty. James was still snoring away in his own, and - he realised with a gulp - Remus's curtains were tightly drawn, which meant he had returned some time after Peter had fallen asleep. But Sirius was missing.

He frowned to himself - and then eyed Remus's drawn curtains warily. There was a werewolf hidden behind there, he thought nervously to himself… but then there was also just Remus behind there. And that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

He had heard his parents talk about werewolves - lots of times - of how they were dark creatures, who did terrible things. The way his parents told it, that's just what a werewolf was - it was in their nature. They almost couldn't help it - although they very much enjoyed all the dirty and disgusting things they did. And if his parents had it right … then that was Remus's nature too.

He was only pretending to be kind and funny and … normal . Really he was a monster. But … Remus was by far the kindest of Peter's three friends, the one who didn't make fun of him - the one he had (until last night) been least afraid of.

He didn't understand it - well, he wasn't clever like the others. But either his parents had it wrong, or Remus had been hiding his true face for a whole year. Which even Peter had to admit was pretty impressive going for a twelve year old … but then, maybe werewolves were just good at deception?

Maybe he should go and talk to Remus? Speak to him - before the others were about to yell at him and tell him not to ask questions.

He quailed at the thought of crossing the room and having to talk to a werewolf . His heart began to flutter against his rib cage. But … he was a Gryffindor and Gryffindors were supposed to be brave - so he should give it a go.

He got out of bed, crept across the room and tentatively pulled back Remus's drawn curtains. And then stopped - and blinked.

Well, he had found where Sirius had got to. Both boys were snuggled into the bed, curled around each other, sleeping deeply.

Peter backed away. He couldn't talk to Remus with Sirius there. Sirius would only bark angry words at him and hit him around the back of the head and throw things at him. Instead, he got dressed, before any of the other boys had started to stir, and disappeared out of the dormitory.

…

Remus woke up - saw Sirius still in the bed, sleeping beside him, and grinned. It hadn't been a dream. Sirius had found out what he was and still wanted to be friends with him! And Sirius said James felt the same way too. He wasn't going to be abandoned or forced out of the castle! Everything really would be alright.

He put a hand on Sirius's shoulder and attempted to shake him awake. 'Sirius!'

Sirius stirred and shifted. Remus shook him harder. 'Sirius!'

'Gerroff, you crazy werewolf,' Sirius muttered sleepily. He kept his eyes tight shut and hugged the pillow all the harder. ''S'not time to get up yet.'

Remus grinned all the wider and sat up in bed, waiting for Sirius to admit it was morning and open his eyes. Through the gap in his curtains he could see Peter's bed. It was empty - and his pajamas were strewn over the blankets. Peter had got up early and vanished.

His grin faded a little.

It seemed like maybe Peter was avoiding him. Maybe he wasn't going to get through this with all his friends sticking by him.

'Forget about it,' Sirius snorted, when he finally woke up and Remus told him. 'If little Peter wants to take himself off, let him. You still have us.'

'But what will Peter do?'

'That's his problem, isn't it? Come on - breakfast.'

…

Peter gobbled down his breakfast as quickly as he could, hoping to be finished before the others arrived. As he stirred sugar into his cup of tea, he became aware of someone standing behind him - and turned to look. Big Macca was standing there, glaring down at him. 'Where are Mr. Black and Mr. Potter?' she asked him.

'Er - they were still asleep, when I left the dormitory.'

'Hmmm,' her lips were a very thin line. 'Well, as you are here first, I will speak to you first. Report to my office as soon as you are done here, Pettigrew.'

He bit down a squeak of fear, nodded his head and went back to his tea. Just as he was draining the cup, he saw the others walk through the doorway. He couldn't stop his squeak of alarm this time. He slammed his cup down, jumped to his feet and tried to scurry out of the Hall without being seen.

It was not meant to be.

'Pete! Hey, Peter!' James waved to him, beckoning him over.

Swallowing nervously he stumbled his way toward them. They were just settling themselves down at the table.

'Morning, Peter,' Remus said.

Peter found he couldn't look at him - and just made an incoherent yelping sound in return.

'What's going on, Pete?' James asked him.

'I have to - have to go… McGonagall said I have to speak to her. In her office…'

'It's about me,' Remus said.

Peter just swallowed hard, nodded without looking at him, and then turned and fled.

'Don't pay any attention to him,' he heard Sirius say, as he ran away.

'He'll come around,' though James did not sound all that certain.

He made his way up to McGonagall's office, took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It turned out Remus was right. It was him she wanted to talk about.

'Now - let me make one thing perfectly clear,' she said to him. 'Lupin is a wizard and has as much right to be at school as anyone. The Headmaster himself has put into place the safety regulations to ensure that Lupin can transform without harming himself or anyone else. He does not pose any kind of danger. Therefore he will never be asked to leave this school on account of what he is. If, however, we find out that you have taken it upon yourself to make his condition public, you will very much find yourself being told to pack your bags. Do you understand?'

'Yes, Professor.'

'Not a word to anyone.'

'No, Professor.'

'Very well - you may go.'

Once more, he fled the room - and then wondered where he should go. If he went back to the common room then he would inevitably bump into the others … and he wasn't ready to face Remus yet. Not when he didn't understand … and he couldn't understand with James and Sirius lurking about and yelling at him for not getting over it fast enough.

Instead, he decided to head to the library, hide there for the day. It was unlikely the others would venture inside.

Madam Pince gave him a very stern look, as he walked inside; the sort of look that told him he was not welcome … even though it was the school library and was there specifically for the use of people like him… Maybe Dumbledore needed to take Pince aside and explain that to her.

'No loitering,' she barked at him.

'I'm not loitering,' he said to her (although he was). 'I was wondering - er - if - er …do you have any books on werewolves?'

She raised an eyebrow - it gave her the uncanny appearance of a vulture. 'Third set of shelves to the left of the Restricted Section. Bottom shelf - with all the other Ws.'

He nodded his thanks and scurried off, feeling her keen eyes on him the whole way. There were not many students already in the library, this early on a Saturday - and those that were there were NEWT level. He encountered Rita Skeeter as he passed one set of shelves, and blushed furiously when she stopped to speak with him. She was the last person he wanted to know what he was doing! She would tell the whole school in a heartbeat!

Once he had got rid of her, he continued on his way until he found the right section - and then crawled around the floor reading the spines of the books on werewolves, choosing a few to take and read.

He found himself the most secluded spot in the whole library, sat down and pulled the first book towards himself. This one was a history book - and was almost as dull as a lesson with Binns - and detailed the stuff they had been learning about the other day; the goblin rebellion and the pact with the werewolves and the downfall of Minister Flack.

The fall out of that whole sorry episode seemed to be much harsher restrictions on werewolves … and as he turned the pages of the book, it seemed like they had been living alone and on the margins of society ever since.

He pulled another book towards him and began to read. This one was a selection of essays and treatises on "The Unnatural Darkness of Werewolves and Other Dangerous Beasts" - and his eyebrows raised in alarm as he read what august wizards such as Malicius Malidictus and Fantasia Faithless had to say about the character of people like Remus: their aggression, their aptitude for deception, their proclivity for cannibalism…

He actually cried out in alarm and had to clap his hand over his mouth as he read some of the things that were written:

That they are the most cunning - among all beasts - is what makes the werewolf truly dangerous. Far more than their propensity to maim and even kill, it is their ability to remember their life as a human - and to ape those behaviours; to mask their darkness and disguise their intentions - in short to act like everyone else - that truly makes the werewolf a threat to all we hold dear.

For rest assured, it is but a disguise - a foul deception with the aim of reeling you in close before they can turn you and make you one of their own dark brethren. They are soulless creatures, worthy of nothing but death, and yet they can present as normal and natural as any man.

He pushed the book away from himself, not wanting to read anymore. Remus helped him with his homework - and stopped the other two from being too mean to him. Was he really only doing that so he could gain an opportunity to bite Peter? To make him like himself?

He didn't understand at all. If these essays were telling the truth, why would Dumbledore ever let Remus come to school? Why would McGonagall say that he posed no danger to anyone?

He pulled the final book he had selected towards himself. This was an autobiography written by an anonymous werewolf author entitled "Hairy Snout, Human Heart". He began to leaf through.

They told me, once I was bitten, that I was no longer myself. That I was an animal - a beast. A creature without a soul. But in truth, I felt no difference - save for the headaches and the pains every full moon; day by day I felt much as I had always done. I certainly had no wish to harm anyone.

Peter stopped to think about how Remus was always ill. He wondered how much pain he was in every month, how much it hurt to be a werewolf. He turned a few more pages.

It is incredibly painful to turn into a werewolf

The book said

Not only does the approaching full moon bring aches and pains and fevers, but the night itself brings fresh and unique agonies all of its own. For starters the 206 bones of the human skeleton must snap, break, elongate, fuse together and transform into the 321 bones of a wolfish body. If you have never had fur push its way out of your skin, then consider yourself lucky - and the less said about growing a tail the better!

Once wolfish, all capacity for human thought and reason is lost. There is but the desperate hunger - the madness, and the need to kill. As a responsible werewolf, one must separate from all humans for the night - and yet that violence and aggression does not go away merely because there is no prey. With nothing to hunt, with nothing to bite - the transformed werewolf turns all that savage rage on itself.

On the morning after the night before, I will wake up covered in scratches and bites of my own making. The wolf takes all its fury out on its own body - and leaves these ravages upon my human form. And - as cursed scars - these marks never truly fade. I must bear the proof of my own monstrosity upon my skin forevermore.

Peter thought about all the terrible scars that he had seen so briefly, which crisscrossed their way over Remus's chest. Remus always tried to keep them covered - never let anyone see … But he could not hide the ones on his face. He had returned to school with those after his mother died - that was nearly six months ago and the marks were still there.

He thought of Remus waking up each month covered in cuts and bruises that would never fully heal. And how he felt poorly for about a week beforehand … and how he never even mentioned any of it. He must have been afraid to. He must have been too scared to mention just how bad he felt, because he could not risk the boys asking questions. So he had suffered in silence - afraid of being abandoned.

Peter felt something akin to a stab of shame.

Before I was bitten, I had worked for The Ministry of Magic - I had had a good job in the Department of International Wizarding Relations. I was well respected, I was expected to go far.

Now I was forced from the Ministry and denied all other work. Old friends - chums I had known since boyhood - abandoned me. I had been engaged to be married - and though my sweet Larissa loved me still, I could no longer marry her when I was an outcast with no means of supporting a family.

Everything was taken from me. I was shunned and rejected, my humanity was denied to me, and all the while I was told that I was the unworthy one, the wrongdoer - the creature of evil. And yet it was not I who was systematically stripping a man of everything that made life worth living.

I was left homeless and penniless - and told I deserved it. My poverty - the ends I must go to to keep myself alive - was used as proof for why they should treat me this way. I was a thief and therefore they were right to refuse me entry to society … They did not stop to consider that I was no thief until they made me one, by refusing to let me live among them honestly.

Peter was starting to feel sick. He flipped to the very back of the book and read the last few sentences.

Despite my treatment, despite the hardships of my life - I bear no wizard ill will. All I wish is to be allowed to live my life in peace. All I wish is that humans could perhaps show werewolves the same consideration I gladly give them. For rest-assured, I do not want to bite anyone. I would not wish this life on my worst enemy.

Peter closed the book and then sat back, thinking hard; turning everything over in his mind and wondering what he should do for the best. After a while, he pulled a piece of parchment over to himself and began to draw.

…

James stared across at Lily, a look of deepest loathing on his face. 'I knew it,' he said bitterly. 'I knew she'd find another reason to nick the wireless. I'm not putting up with this…'

But there was little he could do, for it was not only Lily. There was a whole gaggle of students - mostly girls but a fair few boys as well, ranging from first to seventh years all gathered around the radio and waiting, breathless and expectant, for The Kneazles to play.

'They've only got two bloody songs!' James grumbled. 'How many times can you listen to the same song over and over?'

But it seemed that the answer to that was infinite. Because no matter how many times the students listened to "Enchant Me Do" or "Diagon Alley", they never seemed to get bored. And when the Fab Four weren't singing, they were giving interviews - and Lily and her friends listened just as breathlessly to every word The Kneazles said as they did to every word they sang.

'We're never gonna get to listen to the Quidditch at this rate. Oi - Sirius - chuck us some parchment.'

'What are you doing?'

'I'm going to write home - ask them to send me my own wireless I can keep in the dorm.'

Sirius shook his head, 'so spoiled…' he muttered to himself. His eyes fell on Remus, who was sitting staring silently into the fire. 'You alright?' he asked.

'Yes.' He didn't look up.

'Look - if you're worried about Pete… about what he's thinking…'

He was cut off by the portrait swinging open - and Peter suddenly appearing in the common room. The smaller boy came to a stop when he saw all his friends sitting by the fire. James waved to him … but Remus just flushed and stared deeper into the flames. Sirius glanced between the two of them, looking awkward. He noticed that Peter looked a bit afraid - he had the expression of a porlock caught in the wandlight - like he wanted to bolt, but wasn't going to.

Instead, Peter squared his shoulders and walked over to the group, feeling Sirius's eyes on him the whole way. He ignored him. 'Er - hi - Remus,' he said.

Remus looked up from the fire, surprised. 'Hi, Peter.'

'I - er - I - well - I drew you this.' He flushed, and thrust out a piece of parchment.

Feeling bemused, Remus took it from him and unfolded it. It was one of Peter's enchanted sketches. This one showed Remus in the forest with a centaur. It was charmed so that Remus's wand sent out sparks which hit the centaur. The centaur went up in a cloud of smoke and when the smoke cleared there was only a rather foolish looking donkey standing there.

Remus smiled when he saw it. Seeing that - and feeling encouraged - Peter said, 'I'm sorry I found out that way. I'm sorry you didn't think you could tell me.'

Remus's smile became a broad grin. He bit his lip. 'Thanks, Pete. This means a lot.' And of course, he was not only talking about the drawing.