She had spent the past half hour pacing around the engineering deck. She wanted to hit her head off a wall, punch the wall…just something! She needed to do something! But she couldn't, not now. She knew that going to the Citadel was the right decision. It was logical, tactical, sound advice. And it made so much sense. But right now, it didn't feel right. She didn't run from fights. No matter how hard they got. She always pulled through. Always.
Commander Kacey Shepard doesn't run away.
In frustration, she punched the wall, putting a huge dent the size of her fist in it. She ran her hands through her scarlet hair as she slumped back against the same wall. She wasn't in the mood to talk; not right now. All the frustration and anger she had; it was starting to overflow a little bit as she took a deep breath to calm herself. The past year or so had been an absolute fucking disaster. In her mind, for all the good that it did, the bad was just as harrowing as what she had just saw. All those people; from the colonies to those on Earth and elsewhere, they didn't have to die. Had the Council, had anyone actually took her seriously and prepared, maybe more could've survived.
'Maybe had I just shoved Joker's ass into that escape pod, none of this mess would've happened.' Kacey thought to herself, 'Maybe if I had just let Kaidan stay, none of this would've happened.'
Or you could've brought them both down with you.
Those depressive thoughts of hers still persisted, even after all those months locked away inside that Alliance building. She didn't know if letting Kaidan stay with her on the burning wreck of the Normandy would've been better; to her at the time, her main priority was getting him and everyone else off the ship. No matter the cost.
Even if it gets you killed?
"What was that?" She could hear James say from the shuttle bay.
"Probably nothing." Kacey heard Kaidan reply.
"Nothing? That sounded like we were being shot at!"
"We're not under attack." Joker's voice came through the intercom, "Just the Commander punching a dent into my ship!"
"Your ship?" Kacey scoffed.
"Our ship then!" Joker replied, "Do you want me to tell Kaidan where you are?"
"Don't you dare!" Kacey nearly shouted.
"Joker, where is she?" She heard Kaidan ask.
"Engineering. Just follow the dents in the wall."
"Joker!" Kacey shouted.
"What? I don't want another dent in the wall, not after it was fixed from the last time you wrecked it."
"The Collectors wrecked it, not me." Kacey corrected, "I can't punch giant holes in the shuttle bay."
"It sure sounded like it." Joker replied.
Kacey groaned as she heard the elevator head up and stop on the floor. The last thing she needed was to have that conversation with Kaidan. After what just happened, she didn't need any more shouting matches. Not with him anyway.
She was still sat on the floor by the time Kaidan came out of the elevator. He looked around before noticing Kacey on the floor on the left-hand side of the hall, just below where she put a big dent in the wall.
"Hi." Kacey said, her tone rather irritated.
"Hey." Kaidan replied, "Look, I'm not here to pick a fight with you."
"I didn't think you were." Kacey replied, "Picking fights isn't you, Kaidan."
"Neither is you putting dents in the wall."
"You'd be surprised."
"So, what's going on?" Kaidan asked casually. Kacey couldn't tell if he was trying to interrogate her or was genuinely concerned. Kaidan had a pretty good poker face, one that Kacey was slightly envious of.
"Nothing. Aside from the world going to shit."
Half-lie. Half-truth. Kaidan observed her carefully before replying, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.
"So, it has nothing to do with leaving Earth behind? Leaving Anderson behind?"
He hit the nail on the head; as usual. Kaidan could read her like an open book, something that Kacey wasn't used to. While it was not the base of her issues entirely, it pretty much summed up her current dilemma.
"I don't have a lot of attachment to Earth, you know that." Kacey replied, "But leaving Anderson behind? Yeah, kind of."
"Yeah, well I don't think punching dents into the walls in engineering is going to help." Kaidan replied.
"I know." Kacey said.
The air was tense. The scene reminded her of the day the first Normandy was in lockdown, trapping them on the Citadel, unable to chase after Saren. Those were simpler times, easier times.
Before she fucked things up.
"That's a pretty deep dent, even for you Kacey." Kaidan said after a long pause. It was the first time she had heard him use her first name.
"What can I say? I'm a little bit pissed off."
Understatement of the century.
"Well, try not to put another one in." Kaidan said, "Or it'll be Joker who's gonna be pissed off."
"I think he already is."
"I'll be in shuttle bay, if you need me." Kaidan replied before stepping back into the elevator.
"Need you?" Kacey whispered, "Of course, I need you."
…
After spending twenty minutes collecting herself and resisting the urge to punch another dent into the wall, Kacey went down to the shuttle bay. She went to try and at least look for her armour, which she had stashed away in a hidden compartment of the ship. EDI had confirmed that it hadn't been moved or found since, meaning she still had some idea where her armour was.
But unfortunately, she didn't get the chance to as the moment she stepped out of the elevator, James had approached her, looking just as pissed off as she felt. She kept her stoic commander look on like a good little soldier as she walked passed James, who started shouting after her.
"What the hell is going on?" James asked, infuriated, "Where's Anderson? Where are we going? HEY!"
Kacey took a deep breath, "We're leaving."
"Leaving?" James questioned.
"What is going on?" Kaidan asked.
"You heard Anderson, Kaidan." Kacey said as she typed on the terminal, looking for her armour, "Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help for the fight."
"Bullshit!" James snapped, "He wouldn't order us to leave."
"He just did." Kacey said in her firm, commanding tone, "We don't have a choice. Without help, this war's already over."
"Forget it!" James continued, angry, "Drop me off someplace, cause I'm not leaving!"
"Enough!" Kacey shouted, her voice strict and firm, "Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight? We're going to the Citadel…you want out, you can catch a ride back from there!"
James walked off in a huff; Kacey caught Kaidan looking at her from the corner of her eye. As usual, he didn't give any sign of emotion on his face, keeping it cool and collected. As Kacey turned her attention back to the terminal, Joker spoke through the intercom.
"Commander, I know you're pissed off but…"
"Understatement of the century, Joker."
"We've got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett. Addressed to you, directly."
"Patch it through."
The transmission was breaking up, it wasn't very clear, but Kacey could just make out the words the Hackett was saying as he spoke.
"Shepard…-sustained heavy losses." Hackett said, "…force was overwhelming…There's no way we can defeat them conventionally."
"Anderson's already ordered me to the Citadel, to talk to the Council." Kacey replied.
"I heard—reinstated you. Good." Hackett said, "First, I need you—iance outpost on Mars…ore we lose control of the system."
"Yes, sir."
"…been researching the Prothean Archives with Doctor T'Soni. …found a way to stop the Reapers…only way to stop them…- in contact soon. Hackett out."
"Joker!" Kacey said, "Set a course for the Mars Archives."
"Mars?"
"There are problem Joker?"
"No, no." Joker dismissed, "You're no fun when you're mad. Already on course."
"Good." Kacey said as she walked towards the wall near the elevator, "Now to find my armour."
"Your armour?" Kaidan questioned, "It's here?"
"Should be." Kacey said, as she touched on of the lower slabs of metal near the wall, "Aha! Found it!"
A drawer appeared from within the wall, revealing cobalt blue armour that had become Kacey's signature look recently. As she pulled the pieces out of the compartment, she could overhear James saying, "This is loco."
"Why Mars?" Kaidan asked, "What does Hackett think we'll find there?"
"Gear up and let's find out." Kacey replied.
…
Kacey's mood hadn't improved since they left. Being in such close quarters with Kaidan, whom things were extremely tense and awkward with, and James, who looked as though he was going to blow a fuse, really didn't help matters. The worst part was that it was James flying the shuttle, which meant both her and Kaidan were left in the back on their own.
The brief conversation on the engineering deck had indicated to Kacey that Kaidan wasn't going to argue or fight anymore; but the distance he was keeping himself at was sending opposite signals. She knew damn well that no matter what she thought or how she felt, things weren't going back to the way they were before. Any intimate feelings between them died on the Normandy SR-1, along with her. It was way too late for that.
"I've been trying to reach Mars on secure channels." Joker said through the comms, "No one's answering."
"That's reassuring." Kacey replied sarcastic, "Any sign of Reaper activity?"
"Negative."
"EDI?"
"The base appears to be online." EDI said, "It's possible the inhabitants were evacuated."
"We'll know soon enough." Kacey replied, her tone bleak, "Be ready, Joker…just in case."
"Roger that. Normandy out." Joker replied.
"We're almost there." James confirmed.
Kacey turned and refused to sit down; she didn't want to engage in another tense conversation with Kaidan. And she couldn't afford to be distracted with her more…personal problems. Kacey began to put her helmet on, checking once, twice, three times that everything was secure. And then, she impulsively checked again. A habit that she had picked up recently since her death.
"Kacey, are you okay? You keep checking your helmet."
"Shepard-Commander, does your helmet need repaired?"
More memories. From that mission. The allies she made during that mission was good allies to have, and it had certainly given her a new perspective on many different things. It was a necessary mission, if she hadn't done it, more people would've died. And while she was not entirely happy with the fact that that she was forced to do it with a terrorist group, she had to admit that the mission was one she could be proud of or should be proud of.
"You okay, Commander?" James said as he landed the shuttle.
"Yeah, why?" Kacey replied.
"Because you keep fiddling around with your helmet." James replied, "It looks secure from here."
"I'm fine, James." Kacey replied, reassuringly, "I promise."
Lies. It was nothing but lies. She couldn't promise that, not anymore. After all, nobody who returns from a suicide mission alive comes back intact. Not even Kacey. As the scarlet-haired commander looked over at the other man beside her, she noticed as he looked at her, that he didn't believe a word of it.
"Still no contact from the base, but we've got a massive storm heading our way." James said.
"How long till it hits?" Kacey asked.
"Half an hour, tops." James answered, "After that, we're gonna have difficulty keeping up comms with the Normandy."
"Understood." She replied bluntly.
As she stepped out onto the rocky red surface of Mars, Kacey could see the giant dust storm heading their way. Compared to the likes of Haestrom or Aeia, this was a pretty tame environmental hazard. Better than sunlight that burns through shields or regressing plants.
"Damn…" James mused as they walked towards the base, "That's a huge storm. Looks a lot bigger in person."
"We're in the middle of a war, and you're more concerned about a storm?" Kaidan replied.
"Well, when you put it like that…" James replied, "You're right."
Kacey didn't pay much attention to their conversation. She was more concerned about the base. As she dropped off a small ledge, her attention was turned to a corpse near her feet.
"What's that?" James asked.
"Alliance Sergeant." Kaidan replied, "Looks like he was killed not too long ago."
"Something's not right here."
"Well, this just went south very quickly." Kacey said, "Keep a low profile till we know what's going on."
"Roger that." James confirmed.
As they travelled further along the path, Kacey could hear the sounds of gunshots. It was as she expected, yet wished she was wrong. As they approached the source of the noise, the three Alliance soldiers hid in cover.
"Holy shit! They're executing people!" James exclaimed.
"Keep your voice down." Kacey replied.
She peered her head out of cover to see a bunch of heavily armed soldiers blasting the heads off Alliance soldiers. The armour looked vaguely familiar to Kacey, although she couldn't quite place it. As the one of the soldiers in white blasted the head off an Alliance marine, Kacey threw a grenade as she ordered Kaidan and James to move up ahead and take them out.
However, Kacey still couldn't place why they looked familiar until she drew closer to the tank, while keeping an eye on the trooper hiding behind it. Once she saw the logo, she felt sick to her stomach.
'Cerberus.' She thought. Of course, it was. If something was to go wrong, Cerberus were the main reason why. Always. And with the terrorist group's presence now confirmed, it was only a matter of time before things to even more tense between her and a certain biotic.
"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?" James asked in a hesitant tone, causing Kacey to wish James had remained silent.
"Sure looked like it." Kacey said through gritted teeth. Her tone came out more hostile than she intended to.
"Cerberus." Kaidan mused, "What are they doing here on Mars?"
His question seemed to be directed at Kacey, as his tone implied. Kacey wasn't in the mood to answer questions she already had answered six months ago. The Alliance had already grilled her and Joker on the matter many times. And while she assumed that Kaidan was never told any of this by Hackett or Anderson, she still didn't want to talk about while she needed to remain focused.
"Good question." She replied, blunt and simple.
"You don't know?"
The only thing that caught Kacey off-guard with his response was how quick he jumped to the accusation. It was quick and immediate; she hadn't anticipated it until they got inside.
She was conflicted; on the one hand, she understood where Kaidan was coming from; she was the only one who spoke directly to the Illusive Man after all, not mention that elusive bastard's rumours that was one of the biggest reasons the pair had their falling out on Horizon. But on the other, the implied accusation had hurt quite a bit and she didn't like how he decided to beat around the bush with his statement.
"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking." Again, her tone came out a little harsher than she intended. She was always a direct person; sugar-coating or avoiding asking direct questions irritated her beyond belief. She wasn't a child; she didn't need things to be put in a more gentle tone.
"It wasn't." Kaidan quickly responded, "But you have to admit, it's a bit…uh…convenient."
Fair point. But then again, as she learned the hard way, the Illusive Man had eyes and ears everywhere. Kacey didn't believe in coincidences, so naturally it had to have been one of those well-placed Cerberus spies that Kacey had already told the Alliance about months before she went on that suicide mission.
Kacey didn't reply; Kaidan didn't push for an answer. The awkward and tense atmosphere between the pair seemed to have put James in an uncomfortable position. Kacey didn't want James to witness the pair having yet another falling out. Thankfully, they encountered more Cerberus troops ahead and the matter was dropped, at least for the meanwhile.
"What the hell?" one of the Cerberus soldiers shouted as Kacey shot said soldier.
"I thought we dealt with security." Another shouted before being shot by James.
Their confusion was almost funny; it at least kept Kacey distracted away from the events of a few moments ago. Once the last soldier went down, Kacey led the pair into the building, walking past three armoured vehicles.
"Doesn't look like they came in force." James mused.
"Yeah, just a few vehicles." Kacey replied.
"That implies they had help from the inside." Kaidan added.
"Seems likely." Kacey replied again. She knew that it wasn't just likely; it was the truth.
As they headed inside and Kacey activated the lift, she could see from the corner of her eye that Kaidan was heading directly to her. And she knew exactly where this was going.
"Shepard. I need a straight answer." Kaidan said.
"Kaidan…" she sighed as she held her hand up to her head, looking away.
"Don't 'Kaidan' me. This is business." He replied sharply, pointing at her, "Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"
"And what makes you think I know what they're up to?" Kacey replied, her tone firm and sharp. This scene was so familiar to her; it played out almost the same way as last time, without the pair resorting to fisticuffs that is.
"You worked for them, for god's sake." Kaidan replied, "How am I not supposed to think that?"
"We joined forces to take down the Collectors, nothing more, nothing less."
"There's more to it." Kaidan argued, "They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources…"
Kacey let out a frustrated sigh, "Then I stole their ship, stole their resources, and told the Illusive Man where to shove it when I nuked the Collector Base from one end of the galaxy to the next. Let me be perfectly clear; I've had absolutely no contact with Cerberus since I blew up the Collector Base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."
She didn't intend to go on a rant nor to lash out in such a manner. But the frustration was too much to bear at this point. She had been over this so many times in the past six months. It felt like she was repeating herself, over and over again with no end in sight.
"Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth." James said calmly, "No way they've communicated since."
"As if I'd want to." Kacey scoffed, "I'd rather jump in front of a Reaper beam."
Kaidan remained quiet for a few minutes, seemingly thinking over what both she and James had said. She was at least in part, grateful to James for stepping in, but also felt a bit guilty that he had to see all of that. Eventually, Kaidan turned to face Kacey as the room pressurised.
"Sorry, Shepard." He said, "It's just that…"
He was cut off as the lift stopped. Kacey took off her helmet, relieved to be out of it, and turned to face Kaidan, who looked a bit sheepish.
"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan." She replied, angry and just that little bit upset.
She stormed off ahead; leaving James and Kaidan to play catch up. Anderson's words from earlier seemed almost impossible to follow now. The gap between them was larger than ever before. And she had no idea if they could go back to the things used to be.