Thank you so much to everyone commenting 💕 I hope your mental health has survived 😂

HumanDictionary thanks for the thought process! That is absolutely what I was going for, although your last point punched me in the gut 😭 oh my goodness it is so sad when you think about it

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The worst bit by far was P.E.

In a cruel twist of fate, that day's lesson was to take part with both the boys and the girls, and Anya thought her heart was going to give out. In advance of the upcoming tournament, Coach Bobby had firmly encouraged everyone to get together for a training day. Even though winter's approach was beginning to nip at their skin, Coach Bobby had everybody out on the field doing stretches and warm-ups, and whichever activities took their fancy, as long as it made them work.

Anya joined Becky and the other girls from Cecile Hall to warm up together, but as the others chatted as they moved, Anya couldn't help her gaze being constantly drawn to Damian, and when Damian raised his arms to stretch them, Anya's jaw nearly dropped to the ground. The hem of Damian's shirt had only lifted a little but it was enough to show off the deeping lines of his muscles - and, oh god, his arms. Usually covered by the modest Eden uniform, Anya couldn't deny that he had been working hard behind the scenes, gaining more strength than she had ever realised.

Steam nearly came out of her ears and she turned away quickly, resolving not to stare at him anymore, but just when she thought she had stilled her heart, the boys dropped to the ground and started doing push-ups.

All through school Anya had been used to Damian having quite a scholarly build, so it surprised her when he moved so fluidly, and with such strength, that heat crawled up her neck. He had been getting stronger, somehow. How did she not notice it before?

"Um, Becky," said Anya timidly. "Did Damian always look like… that?"

"Hm?" Becky chirped, momentarily distracted from her stretching. "What do you mean? He's got the same annoying face as normal."

Anya tilted her head at Damian, now staring openly. The boys had set up the tennis court, and Anya watched Damian strike the ball with a powerful hit.

"I dunno. He's…" She tried to think of the word. "...Shinier?"

"Huh?" Becky creased her brows together, before she gasped with the kind of realisation that hits like a truck. "Oh my GOD!"

"What?! What is it?" Immediately Charlotte perked up and dragged Alice with her into a huddle. "Is there a development?!"

Becky visibly tried to calm herself, but it had barely no effect, and instead she grabbed Anya's shoulders and made her face the scene before them full-on. She leaned towards Anya's ear with the air of a stern mentor: "Tell me what you see."

"Um," Anya flushed. "He just looks shinier and… warmer and… I mean doesn't he look different to you? Like he goes to the gym more?"

"Are you checking him out?" Charlotte whooped. "Girl! About time!"

Alice crossed her arms, and avoided eye contact with Anya. "If you like him, you should confess to him," she said bluntly, and Anya felt a shiver run down her spine.

"Confess?" Anya whirled round, confused. If Alice confessed to Damian earlier that day, and obviously liked him, why would she encourage Anya to do it?

"Alice," Becky shook her head. "She wont get it. It's not worth it."

"If you don't confess," Alice carried on. "Someone else will." And she gave Anya such a pointed look, that she wondered if Alice had somehow known that she and Becky had been eavesdropping on her confession - but she couldn't think about that now. There were more pressing matters at hand.

Anya blinked, trying to catch up with the conversation. "To… Damian?"

"I'm going to DIE!" Charlotte exclaimed, nearly clawing her eyes out with frustration. "It's SO obvious that you like him! It's literally killing us!"

"Alright, alright," Becky sighed and put a consoling arm around Charlotte. "I think that's enough, trust me I've been doing this dance for years."

But outside of the girls' awareness, the gears were finally spinning in Anya's own mind.

She had been around him for so long, but how did she never notice? How did she never put it together in her own head?

Anya knew that her relationship with Damian was unusual, but she honestly thought that was just down to Operation Strix. She had to get close to him for the mission, but she had also become real friends with him in the process, which was why she asked Twilight to stop involving Damian and leave him alone, because a part of her knew that if she wanted to be true friends with Damian, real friends, then she had to separate things out from the mission. She had to try to distance herself from it, otherwise her friendship with Damian would be at stake, and who knows how he would react if he found out that she had been using him to get close to his father this entire time?

She never had romantic feelings for him because she never let herself have romantic feelings for Damian. It just wasn't possible. Not if she was also using him for the mission.

Guilt wrenched in her chest. This whole time, she had wanted to get closer to him, and she told herself that it was all only for Plan B and Operation Strix, but what if that wasn't really true?

When he didn't show up at the bus stop that morning to walk with her, Anya had pretended so hard to herself that it didn't hurt. She thought that she wouldn't care, but the pain of it sliced through her. His actions made it seem like he was too hurt to even look at her since he had basically admitted to her face that he was in love with her, and apparently had been the whole time, but Anya was too stupid, too blinded to realise…

Or…

If she really admitted it to herself…

Cracks formed in the wall of her heart, and shattered apart, unveiling a truth that was at once terrifying and undeniable. The terrible knowledge roiled in her gut, and Anya unearthed the secret she had kept buried so deep inside herself for so long. She turned it over in her mind, and let it radiate within her.

Anya did know. She had heard him thinking that she was cute/beautiful/everything, that he wanted to touch her hair, lean towards her, kiss her, be with her, but she thoroughly ignored it, pretended it wasn't happening, because she couldn't afford to let herself get drawn in by her emotions. World peace was literally at stake, and if she ignored his feelings for her, then it made it easier to carry out Plan B without feeling guilty.

Stupid Plan B. Plan fucking B. Her feelings for Damian were chained down by something so much bigger than herself - literally, the fate of the world. It was a burden that she was never meant to carry, but if she could release herself from it, then there was nothing stopping her anymore. There was nothing in their way.

Anya's eyes pricked with tears as she watched Damian smiling with Ewen and Emile, and it was almost like she could see the invisible chains that kept him separate from her, and kept him unobtainable, just part of the mission. If she took away his role in Operation Strix, she could free the both of them from its weight. If Plan B was annexed, if it ceased to exist, then those chains would be dismantled.

Her aching love was a beam of light that cut all the chains in its path, and finally, finally, she allowed herself to see Damian for himself, while everything else fell away, until it was only him. The vision of Damian alone shone in front of her and a huge weight dropped from her shoulders as she took in the sight of him anew.

There were so many times that Anya had felt the same urges as Damian. To reach towards him, to hold him, to kiss him, and she had been so busy thinking about world peace that she smothered her thoughts and her will and her heart until she couldn't even recognize them anymore - but then she did kiss him, and it catalysed the cracks in the lies she told herself.

He was on top of her, and he looked so embarrassed and… sparkly… and she had read the messages that he loved her. It just felt like the right thing to do. Like the natural thing to do. And she had never kissed anyone before, either, but it was nice. She liked kissing him. She liked kissing him a lot. She wanted to do it again. She never wanted to stop.

Her breath caught in her throat and her chest tightened, and the burning tears that had been threatening to fall streamed down her face. "Becky," Anya croaked, trying to get her friend's attention.

They couldn't help themselves. Becky leaned forward with interest, while Charlotte and Alice looked on with anticipation, waiting to hear what she had to say.

Untethered, the simple truth fell out of her: "I'm in love with him."

The girls silenced immediately, staring open-mouthed at Anya.

"Holy shit," said Alice.

"Oh my god," said Charlotte.

But Becky had watched this drama unfold her entire life, and she had never seen Anya look so serious, and even Anya could feel the wave of pure joy that crashed through her. She sucked in a gigantic breath and let out a scream.

"FINALLY!" she clapped her hands to her cheeks in happiness. "You're not pretending this time? You actually figured it out? For real?"

"It only took, what, twelve years?" sighed Charlotte, and she initiated a cheerful high-five with Becky. "Better late than never, right?"

But Anya had never felt so nauseous in her life, and a terrible flush overcame her. "Oh no," she wheezed, real panic rising up in her chest. "I love him!"

"Yes, great - are you okay?" Becky's smile slid from her face in concern.

"Becky, what do I do?" Anya cried, on the verge of hyperventilating. "He hates me right now!"

"I'm sure he doesn't-" Becky started, intending to reassure her like a good best friend would always do, but immediately quietened when Anya turned to her with a waterfall of tears flowing from her anguished eyes.

"No, Becky I'm serious! He thinks I've rejected him!" Anya rasped. It was too much, and she was at once immobilised, and also on the verge of collapsing. "I have to go tell him!"

"Yeah!" Charlotte punched the air. "Go tell him right now!"

"Right now?" Becky spun around in surprise. "We're in the middle of the gym! Everyone is here, it is so not romantic! She should tell him afterwards!"

"Yeah!" Charlotte repeated the motion of punching the air. "Go tell him after P.E.!"

Anya's eyes were drawn to Damian once more. He laughed at something that Ewen said, but then his eyes flicked over to Anya's, and he immediately blushed and looked away quickly.

Heat rose to her face. "Yeah, okay," said Anya quietly. "I'll tell him."

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No, really. This is not a drill!