Honestly, I feel like this chapter needs some kind of warning. It got *way* more emotional than I planned. So if you need to rest or take breaks, please do so, and look after yourself.

CW: Memories of close family death, terminal illness (implied)

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"What… are those?" said Becky, and though she sounded calm, Anya felt as though the temperature around her had dropped significantly.

Anya tried to speak, but nothing came out, and she realised that even if she could produce words, she had no idea what to say. Her scars were clearly visible, and it wasn't like she could convince Becky that they weren't real, or that they weren't a big deal. They were right there . She had completely forgotten about her scars when she took off her jacket - not even knowing that anyone else was coming to see her.

And then Becky lowered her voice, foreboding and dangerous, ripe as a thunderstorm.

"Who did this to you?"

It made Anya think of being the centre of a storm, where the illusion of calm took place, and instead the clouds and threatening wind and debris swirled in the air all around her.

But she had to say something to Becky. Maybe if she tried speaking, something logical would come out.

"I-" Anya tried to speak, and her mouth opened and closed as she tried to produce a sentence, but she felt utterly frozen to the spot, and she said the first thing that she could think of: "I've always had these."

Anya could have kicked herself. What was she thinking? Could she seriously not come up with anything better?

Becky narrowed her eyes into slits, her displeasure obvious on her face. "Don't lie to me, Anya."

Anya couldn't move, and she could barely even breathe.

She had known Becky for twelve years. Becky was the one that guided Anya through the shark-infested waters of school and social situations. Anya was the one who encouraged Becky to strike out of her comfort zone and go on fun adventures, and then in exchange accompanied Becky on shopping trips and played dress-up in her palatial mansion.

And then they became teenagers, and Becky was the one who had managed to shoo away all the students that laughed about Anya behind her back and thought she was strange, while Anya scared away boys with bad intentions and wandering eyes. Anya was the first person who Becky told about her mother, and the first person she invited to the funeral. Anya was the first person she called when her first relationship disintegrated, and Becky did her best to imbue Anya with the skills of a budding socialite.

And then Becky tried to encourage Anya to reflect on her feelings for Damian, even when she wasn't aware of them yet, even though Anya was absolutely convinced that she couldn't have feelings for Damian because of the heavy secrets she carried - and at every turn, Anya tried to shut her down.

And then Damian got kidnapped, and she tried to rescue him, and while he slowly learned about her secrets and she slowly opened up to him, she slowly closed herself off to Becky without even realising. She kept her secrets tight to her chest, and in return, Becky didn't even tell Anya about her relationship with Bill, because she was afraid that Anya wouldn't understand.

All of the memories hit Anya with a heavy guilt, as she wondered - when did all of that change? Since when did Becky carry the friendship, while Anya was determined to keep herself closed off, all to protect her secrets? Since when did Becky sense that distance, and respond to it in kind?

She had lied to Becky for years, and in all of those years, she accepted it. Becky took it in her stride, and never questioned it. And for all those years, she waited for Anya to confide in her, and trust her.

In all those years, Anya had never known the depth of Becky's anger and frustration.

And this was the first time that she was truly terrified of her best friend.

"Becky," Anya eventually gasped through her terror, and fell back to what she knew best. "Just leave it. It's not important."

"Don't," Becky hissed through her teeth, and then steadied her breath, before delivering the rest of her sentence one breath at a time. "Don't. Lie. To me. Any more ."

She had never seen Becky so visibly shaken, and yet also at the same time, so physically restrained. Becky shook like a firework about to explode, sparks fizzing from her eyes, and she was barely able to hold it back, only succeeding in preventing the explosion for as long as possible.

An invisible hand closed around Anya's throat, choking her with her fear. It was the same fear that ruled over her for twelve years, the same fear that smothered her lungs any time there was even a hint that her secret would be found out. All her life, she had been plagued by the nightmare that everyone would find out about her secret, and they would cast her out. They would declare her a witch, ignore her, beat her, abandon her, just like those first four families did, and if the first four families of Anya's life didn't accept her, why would anyone else?

That was how she thought for twelve years, and while the fear did not consume her, it ruled her life. She kept it at bay by throwing herself into the mission - where she had to prove to Twilight that she was worth keeping, and worth loving, and she had to prove to the Thorn Princess that she could be a good daughter. If she was too difficult, they would leave her. If she was too perceptive, they would cast her out. That was what everyone else did.

So, Anya lied. She lied every day of her life. To everyone she grew to care about. She came up with excuse after excuse, lie after lie, and despite her reputation as a terrible liar, no-one could touch her secret. No-one ever came that close.

Until -

Damian. Her mother. Her father. But she knew it was a fluke that they accepted her. She couldn't take any more chances. Her life was already hanging on by a thread, and telling anyone else was never an option.

"Damian knows, doesn't he?" Becky's voice pulled Anya back, and she crashed into her own body once again, sweating and palpitating like she was facing down a lioness.

Anya stilled. How did Becky figure that out? How much had she already guessed?

"So why-" Becky croaked. "Why shut me out?"

"I'm not - shutting you out -" Anya said on instinct, but then her heart seized when Becky looked up again with tears in her eyes.

"You are! You are shutting me out! Because you won't tell me anything! "

Anya felt like she couldn't move, couldn't say anything, because she knew that Becky was right . She might not have been trying to shut Becky out on purpose, but the outcome was still the same. She was the worst friend in the world. First Damian, then Becky… Anya had been alienating two of the people that cared most about her in the world, without even meaning to.

In the following silence, all of the exhaustion of the day piled on to her. Her entire body ached from the exertion of the obstacle course, her heart had only just started to heal from the heartache of the past two weeks, her eyes still stung from the tears she shed with Damian, and her throat was raw from the crying throughout it all, but none of it compared to how her heart collapsed in on itself when confronted with Becky's tears.

"When - when you went missing, I thought I would never see you again. You're my best friend. You're my sister and I - I can't imagine my life without you, and then suddenly you disappeared! For a week! And you lied to my face!"

The tremors overtook her, and though Becky didn't move from her spot, her entire body shook as she pushed out what she had been holding in for far too long.

"Why? Why won't you talk to me? I thought we were best friends!"

"We are!"

"So what is going on?" Becky exploded. "You went missing for a week , and then you came back apparently fine but I know that you're not! I know you don't have some kind of secret 'medical condition', because I've known you for twelve years and I'm your best friend so obviously I would have known that by now if you had told me, and what kind of best friend am I that you can't trust me with something like that? Plus ," Becky tried to wipe away the tears that flowed over but she couldn't stop them. "You were covered in bandages, and obviously in pain, and even today you think you're hiding it but you're not! You lost so much blood that I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head - it'll haunt me in my nightmares that I watched you almost die and I had no idea what was happening to you! I must be a horrible best friend that you can't even trust me to tell me what's going on with you, or that you were abducted, or that you have nightmares all the time-"

Becky trailed off, and her eyes widened in horror, while Anya felt like she had just been slapped across the face.

"How do you know about that?" said Anya in a strained voice, too tired to come up with another lie that Becky would just bulldoze through.

"So it's true, then?" Becky forced out a whisper, but when Anya didn't respond, she resigned herself to answering Anya's question.

"I heard you when you confessed to Damian. I was looking for you, and I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I heard you and-" she steadied herself, feeling the lioness rise in her once more. "And the only reason that I didn't hire a private investigator there and then is because Bill made me promise not to, he said that I should wait until you were ready to tell me yourself but-" Becky swallowed, and said the next part with a shaky breath. "You were never going to, were you?"

Anya pressed her lips together, not saying anything, but it just confirmed to Becky what she had feared all along.

"Who did this?" she said, rage leaking through her voice once again. "Who took you? Who hurt you? Because when I find them then I'm going to make them pay! "

But even though Becky was overcome with rage, it fizzled as soon as she saw the tears flowing freely from Anya's face, and she knew she had gone too far. People always told Becky that she was too 'pushy', but she couldn't help it. Her emotions sparked fires inside her, and all too often her passion overcame her, even if it pushed others away, but she couldn't afford to back down.

"Anya," Becky whispered, and her body filled with a terrible foreboding. "Are you in a gang?"

Anya was not expecting that .

"What?!"

"Are these some kind of markings? Tattoos?" Becky leaned forward. "Did you owe someone money and then they issued an order to capture you as an intimidation strategy?"

Anya's shock subsided just enough for her to give Becky a dead-eyed stare.

"Is that a plot point from ' Berlint in Love '?"

"No!" Becky flushed, and then crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively. "It was in 'My Dream Romance with the Mafia Boss' ."

" Becky!"

"Okay, fine! " Becky sighed exasperated, and threw her hands in the air in defeat. "Maybe there's no mafia! Is it a government thing? Some kind of secret thing that the prime minister got you to sign a non disclosure agreement for?"

"I haven't signed anything!" Anya blurted, now more concerned that Becky's wild scenarios were getting closer to the truth.

"We're getting off topic," she waved her hand in dismissal, as if she were only waving away a pesky fly instead of confronting her best friend's scariest secret, and then she indicated Anya's scars once again. "My point is, it's obvious that somebody did this to you . It wasn't an accident. They hurt you on purpose . Are they going to come back? Are they going to try again?"

Anya felt as though she were standing on the edge of a cliff, and Becky was the storm that battered away at her, making her feel like she could fall at any second. Already, the ground beneath her had shaken enough to release rocks into the angry ocean below, and Anya didn't know how much longer she could hold on.

"I don't know," she answered honestly - because she didn't know what else to say but the truth. The Director was still out there, rebuilding and gearing up for another fight, and Anya had no idea when or where the Director would find her again, but she knew that it was only a matter of time.

With a jolt, Anya realised that she was too busy thinking about the fact that the Director was after her , and thinking about how she and her family and Damian could fight back, that she had completely forgotten how this part of her life could affect the people around her. Once again, Anya berated herself for being a bad friend, forgetting that of course Becky would be worried: what if she disappeared again? What if she never came back, and all Becky had left to understand what happened was her collection of sneaking suspicions and half-formed hypotheses?

Anya had avoided thinking about this exact scenario because she needed to win the next fight - she didn't have another choice - but what if it didn't work out? What if she didn't win, and she was taken again, and she left Becky behind forever?

As if sensing her uncertainty, Becky softened her voice, and stepped forward, imploring her friend to trust her.

"Anya, I don't know what's going on, but you know I just want to help right? I can protect you. I can make sure that you won't get taken away again."

Could she? Did Becky really have the power to do that?

She swayed on the edge of the cliff, a step away from tumbling into the ocean. It would be so easy to take a step back, retreat into the safety of her secrets - and below her, the waters swirled into something unrecognisable and unfamiliar.

"I-" Anya gulped. "I don't want you to think differently of me."

Becky nodded in understanding, and then sat down on the empty seat next to the bed. "We've been friends for twelve years. Whatever it is, I can handle it. I want to know."

At that, Anya shook her head, dislodging the tears from her eyes, and they fell down her cheeks, hot against her skin.

"You don't get it," she said automatically. "I've never told anyone. I never wanted to tell anyone. If people knew, they would-"

One foot dangled off the edge. Powerful gusts from the storm pushed her forward, towards the uncharted waters below.

"Becky, I'm -" she choked on the words. "I'm so scared."

"If you're scared, I'm -" Becky inhaled a shaky breath, and kept her eyes focused on Anya's. "I'm terrified ."

Anya blinked, and raised her head, looking at Becky through the blur of her watery eyelashes. "Huh?"

"You went missing. For a week. And you came back with scars . You're being all mysterious and secretive and I just don't understand what's happening any more! I'm so tired of being shut out, because - my mum -"

Becky gasped, and something inside her shattered.

"Because that's what she did when - she - left - me ."

Anya's heart stopped.

"Becky…"

In her mind, she pictured a lioness. It suited Becky so well, because she always knew of Becky's strength, and innate power, and how she commanded those around her - but before her eyes the image shifted and shrank, until Anya also saw the cub that Becky had been, small and shaking and scared.

"I knew - I knew something was wrong, she looked so awful, she wouldn't eat, but she kept pretending and lying and shutting me out and I know she was trying to protect me but it fucking hurt because nobody told me anything and I didn't know what was happening to her until -"

Becky crumpled.

"Until it was too late and she was gone! "

Anya opened and closed her mouth, trying to say something, anything to reassure her best friend, but Becky's distress had stabbed her through the heart and choked her.

She never forgot the day of the funeral. When twelve-year-old Becky, dressed so primly in black, stood with her back straight and her shoulders back, and an expression so tight Anya was scared she would break. She wouldn't have known Becky's real feelings if it weren't for how tightly she held on to Anya's hand, and how her mind roiled with an impossible turmoil, too large for any child to carry.

Becky held herself through the sermon, through the wake, through everyone expressing their condolences to her, and all the way through the drive home, but the entire time, she didn't let go of Anya's hand.

They got to Becky's home. And walked up the stairs.

And only when Becky closed the door to the room did it all come pouring out.

Looking at her now, Becky's eyes held that same pain, that same aching devastation from six years ago, and it occurred to Anya that she had never seen Becky so scared.

"I tried being patient. I tried to stay calm, and not complain, and wait, and I can't do it! I can't-" she croaked. "Please. Please don't shut me out any more."

Anya clutched the bedsheets tighter around her, as if that did anything to hide the truth from Becky. She had kept the truth so tight to her chest for so long, terrified of what would happen if anyone ever found out, but she had never realised that the act of trying to protect herself was the exact same as shutting out the people she loved.

She had never done this before. Where did she start? How was she supposed to tell anyone her deepest secret?

In a way, it was lucky that her family and Damian found out on their own, without her having to tell them, because then she didn't have to feel this fear. She didn't have to picture how they would inevitably reject her, and wonder how soon it would be before they abandoned her altogether.

She would have never guessed that Becky was scared of being abandoned, too.

"The truth is..."

Anya took a deep breath, and lowered the bedsheets from her shoulders, allowing the scars to remain in full view. She saw Becky's eyes worriedly flick towards them, but quickly returned to Anya's face, waiting for her to speak.

"I haven't always been Anya Forger."

A beat.

"What…?" Becky started, but she quickly withdrew her question, and let Anya continue.

"Before I was Anya Forger, I was Anya Roche. Before that I was Anya Levski, and Anya Williams, and before that I didn't even have a surname…"

The confusion was obvious in Becky's eyes, but she kept still, holding her hands tightly, and waited patiently for Anya to explain.

She wobbled on the precipice, but there was no going back now.

"And before that, I was Test Subject 007."

For the second time that day, Anya fell from the edge. But this time, there was no-one to catch her.

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When I tell you, I cried writing this chapter - I CRIED.

I know y'all were ready for Boss Becky, and we saw a glimmer of her, but ultimately, I felt this was the right direction to take. Becky is so strong, even in her vulnerability.

There was meant to be more, but unfortunately I will have to leave the aftermath etc. for next week's chapter! I ended up being pretty busy this week, plus I had several training days at work that were emotionally draining and left me unable to write for a few days. So you can see where the extra emotion came from.

Love you all, and please take a moment to look after yourself if you need to!

See you next Saturday xx