"You wanted to see me?" Jacquelyn greeted, stepping into the room Cullen had claimed as his own. It was still quite fallen down. Piles of the old roof and walls neatly stacked to the edge of the room, a ladder leading to where she knew his bedroom was. Not that she had ever been in it. The commander must not have been prioritising his own comforts for the benefit of the rest of the Inquisition.
He stood standing over his desk, a small box opened in front of him among the scattered scrolls. There was a serious expression on his face, immediately making Jacquelyn wonder what was going on.
"I did. I mean, I do," Cullen sighed, the frown on his face deepening slightly. "As leader of the Inquisition, you…" he sighed, standing up straight. "There is something I must tell you."
Jacquelyn leaned her head to the side slightly, a small, gentle smile playing on her lips.
"Cullen, you know you can tell me anything," her words did nothing to ease his mood.
"I know," he looked away for a moment, almost as though he were ashamed, before once again meeting her gaze. "Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well," he rested his hands on his desk, either side of the box. "Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here, but I… no longer take it."
"You stopped?" Jacquelyn looked at her commander with a worried expression. She understood all that about templars, how they needed the lyrium. She was once wanting to be one herself, after all. There had been a few templars staying with them at the Free Marches when she was younger, and she had asked them many questions. The youngest of them had been quite taken with her, and had told her more than he possibly should have. Hearing what Cullen was doing, hearing that he was no longer taking lyrium, it concerned her. Not only because it could be impairing his job as the commander of the Inquisition's army, but also because, well… she cared for him. She didn't want to see him in pain.
"When I joined the Inquisition," he admitted, not looking up from the box. "It's been months now."
"Why did you not think to tell me this sooner?" Jacquelyn asked quietly, gently.
"I should have. After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't. I will not be bound to the order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to… Watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty," he looked her straight in the eye. She wasn't quite sure if he was daring her to argue or afraid she might be upset about it. For a moment she didn't say anything, weighing her words before speaking.
"Are you okay?" she asked eventually.
"Some days are worse," Cullen admitted. "I tell you this because I thought you had a right to know. The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen, I will defer to Cassandra's judgement."
Jacquelyn nodded, still concerned for Cullen. Then she took a deep breath and a step closer to the desk.
"There was something I wanted to discuss with you too," she admitted, "but with everything going on, there hasn't been a lot of time for us to have a moment alone." Cullen shifted slightly, his cheeks already turning a shade of pink.
"I, uh… Yes, well…"
"If I was out of line, Cullen, then please. Do not be afraid to tell me such. But I will say, here and now, that I have developed feelings for you."
"I had figured that much out," he smiled slightly, lowering his hand from the back of his neck to rest on the pommel of his sword. "I hadn't dared to hope, not until… And then I didn't know if you would even make it back." Jacquelyn smiled slightly.
"But I did," she said, making her way around his desk, Cullen not taking his eyes from her, "and I am here now."
"Yes. You are."
"So, what are you going to do with that?" Jacquelyn stopped once she reached him, looking up into his face, smiling teasingly. For a moment Cullen just stood there, then sighed.
"Leave for Denerim," he admitted, hanging his head slightly. Jacquelyn frowned.
"Denerim?"
"Yes. Siara has agreed to meet with King Alistair," Jacquelyn tensed slightly, "but she's afraid of what she might do if she goes on her own. I have agreed to go with her. Alistair and I knew each other a long time ago, I might be able to keep things from getting out of control."
"You will be travelling with Siara on your own?" Jacquelyn asked, her eyes hard, cold.
"It won't be for long. I don't expect the meeting to last very long, after all. Siara can hardly stay in the same room as him."
"I do not think this is a good idea. I will go with you."
"You're needed elsewhere," Cullen said gently. "You're Inquisitor now. You have other duties to attend to."
"And you are commander of the Inquisition's army, you should not be running around after some mercenary. And certainly not one with motives that are at best questionable."
"I think Siara has more than proven she can be trusted," Cullen reached out and took Jacquelyn's hand. "Everything will be fine. Siara looked after you after the events of Haven, made sure you came back to us. Back to me," he smiled. "I trust her."
Jacquelyn watched him closely, the things that Envy put her through dancing in her mind. Of Siara, of Cullen, of his head rolling on the ground. No matter what Siara did to help her, she didn't trust the mercenary to be alone with Cullen. But she had to trust her commander. A sigh escaped her, and she gripped his hand back.
"How long until you depart?" she asked.
"I have only a few more preparations to make. We'll probably be leaving tomorrow at first light."