Cullen paced back and forth in his study, fuming quietly to himself. He felt betrayed. By Jacquelyn, by Leliana and Josephine, but mostly by Siara. She knew Anders. Knew him and she somehow managed to apparently forgive him. At least everyone else didn't seem to forgive him. And Cullen knew that Jacquelyn was only keeping him around so she could watch him, make sure that if he was about to do something stupid, dangerous, or deadly again, she could dispatch him herself. She'd said as much. That didn't stop Cullen from feeling a little betrayed by her, a little hurt.

But Siara…

It kept coming back to Siara. How could she forgive him, knowing what he did? How could she speak on his behalf, how could she talk the Inquisition into keeping him around? Into letting him help? Not even facing some sort of punishment for his actions? He thought that she, of all people, would know that he needed punishment.

A quiet knock on the door jarred him from his thoughts, abruptly ceasing his pacing.

"Come in," he called after he'd taken a moment to calm himself down.

It was a good thing, too, as Siara silently stepped in through the door. To her credit, she did almost look sheepish.

"I wanted to explain myself," she started, "and you didn't even want to look at me on the way back to Skyhold, let alone talk to me. And I figured this might be a conversation better had in private, anyway."

Cullen glared at her.

"There is nothing you can say to make me understand. To make me somehow… forgive him! To accept his being here!"

"I know that, and I don't expect you to forgive him. But I still need to say something," Siara almost looked away. "You're my friend, Cullen. One of the few that I've got."

"Then why do you want him around? How can you stand by his side after what he did?"

"It's not like I condone his actions. I think what he did was pointless and stupid, not to mention incredibly reckless and has led to the deaths of who knows how many. But be honest with yourself, Cullen. How many people have you killed? I can't count how many people I've killed, and my reasons for killing them were probably a lot worse than the reasons Anders had."

"He blew up a building! He killed countless innocents!"

"And what does it really change in the grand scheme of things?" Siara asked, shrugging. "Divine Justinia would still be dead. There still would have been a giant rift tear open the sky. Maybe Corypheus would have already won by now. I mean, if it weren't for the conclave then Jaquelyn would never have been there when he attacked the Divine, would she?" Cullen looked like he was about to object, but Siara raised a hand and carried on. "My point is," she said, "that what Anders did was stupid and pointless, and no, I do not support what he did. But he's basically family."

"Are you saying what he did was a good thing?"

"No, I…" Siara stopped herself, taking in a deep breath while she tried to get her thoughts in order. "I don't agree with what he did. I just wanted to give another perspective."

"I still don't understand how you can forgive him," Cullen snapped, his scowl deepening. "You've punished people for less. Remind me what happened to those templars that attacked you?"

Silence fell on the room, a dark look descending upon Siara's face. Cullen knew that in that moment he'd gone too far, but it was too late now.

"You…" Siara scoffed, looking away and shaking her head. "You are such a dick. What Anders did was awful. Despicable. Disgusting. But he never took anyone's dignity from them."

When she looked back at Cullen it was obvious that she was fighting back tears. He felt awful, his throat sinking through the floor. Maker, he felt like shit for that comment. He wished that he could take it back. The way that Siara looked at him… the hurt in her eyes, and what he could only describe as fear. As torment. Pure pain.

"I thought that you of all people would never use something like that against me," she shook her head and opened the door to leave. "You know, Cullen, I would have stuck up for you the same way I'm sticking up for Anders if you did something as awful as he did."

With that she left, leaving Cullen standing alone in a room that suddenly felt a lot colder than it had before.

Bull was sitting around in the tavern, as usual, waiting to see if he and the Chargers were needed when Siara burst in and stormed over to him.

"I need to hit something," was all she said in greeting.

"Well, hello to you, too," Bull replied, standing up from his seat and heading for the door. "What's happened?"

"It's hard for me to think coherently enough for me to explain."

"I see."

They walked out together, heading just around the corner to the training grounds. Bull picked up a couple of sticks and handed them carelessly over to Siara before stepping back and getting into a better position to take the hits from. He didn't have to wait long for the blows to start, Siara hitting hard and fast. She never aimed for his head or anywhere else that would seriously hurt, mainly just for his chest and upper arms, but she didn't hold back. There was a good chance that Bull would be feeling it later, not that he really cared. If he did, he would have pointed her to the training dummies.

"Something must have really pissed you off," he said, still trying to work out what had happened.

"Yup."

"Conversation gone wrong?"

"Yup."

It was like talking to a brick wall. She was still in her head too much, and she just couldn't get out of it. Bull could tell just from the way she was moving. And Siara hated it. She hated that she couldn't get what Cullen had been saying out of her head. What did it matter what he thought? She should have known it was only a matter of time before he used what he knew about her against her. That was what he was trained to do, it was what he had always been trained to do when he was a templar. Use the weaknesses of your opposition against them. And Cullen knew where Siara was weakest, of course he was going to eventually use that against her.

It didn't take too long for Siara to furiously cast the sticks aside with a frustrated growl. She slumped down against the wall, shaking with rage.

"It's not working!" she almost yelled, hands almost pulling out her hair.

"Just breathe," Bull told her, calmly sitting down next to her. "Give it time."

"You don't understand. I can't breathe. Not like… Not enough to…" Siara growled again, once more getting to her feet. Now she paced back and forth, just trying to work the energy out. She just wanted to stop feeling like this. Bull knew there wasn't much that he could do, so he just patiently waited from his seat on the ground as Siara picked a stone up off the ground and hurled it at one of the nearby training dummies. She missed by a mile, which only seemed to infuriate her more. It was no wonder she didn't use a bow, her aim was terrible. She was fortunate Cassandra wasn't in her usual place.

"Feel any better?" Bull asked. Siara half glared at him, her lips pressed together in a tight line.

"No."

"How about we go get a drink?"

"Yeah, pouring fuel on a fire. Great idea."

"It might help distract you."

"It might just make things worse."

"Only one way to find out," Bull stood up and started heading for the tavern again. "Come on."

Siara grudgingly followed, still pissed off but suddenly also feeling tired. So tired. It was starting to seem like it was always one or the other with her. Like she was flipping back and forth between the two.

"Hey, you're Siara, right?"

She turned to the new voice, raising an eyebrow at the dark skinned man wearing templar armour.

"Yeah. What of it?"

"A while ago Ser Cullen asked me to pass along to the rest of the templars to try to give you some space," he said, stopping a reasonable distance from her. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for whatever it was that happened."

"Who said anything happened?"

"People don't usually ask an entire Order to stay clear of someone unless something happened."

Siara scoffed, half smirking.

"I suppose you have a point."

"Anyway, I just wanted to apologise for whatever it was. And to let you know that the Order will be giving you a wide berth. There just hasn't been the opportunity to tell you until now, you've been so busy."

The man nodded and turned to walk away. For a moment Siara just stood in the doorway of the tavern, a small frown on her face.

"Wait," she called. The man turned back to her, a surprised look on his face. Siara half suppressed a sigh before taking a couple of steps towards him so she was out of the doorway.

"You're Barris, right? You were at Therinfal?"

"That's right."

"For what it's worth, sorry about what happened there."

"Thank you."

There was a brief pause before Siara spoke again.

"I know we don't actually know each other," she started, "but I was wondering if you'd be willing to help me with something."

"I thought you wanted templars to stay away from you?" Barris asked, raising his eyebrows.

"That's sort of why I want you to help me," Siara admitted. "You're right that I went through something. And I've been carrying the weight of that for far too long. You seem like a nice enough guy. Maybe you can help me."

She shrugged, a small sigh escaping her. Barris seemed to contemplate this for a moment before speaking again.

"What do you need me to do?" he asked.

"Join my friends and me for a drink sometime?"

"A drink?"

"Gotta start somewhere, right?" Siara tried to smile, only half managing. "Making friends with even one still-practicing templar would be a pretty big step for me."

Barris smiled, inclining his head towards her.

"I'll see if I manage to get all my work done by this evening," he agreed.

Siara nodded back, then turned and headed into the tavern. There was a slight frown on her face as she made her way over to where Bull was already seated with a couple of drinks in front of him. He slid one over to her as she sat down.

"What kept you?" he asked, casually taking a deep drink from his tankard.

"Just… trying to figure out how to take back control of my life."