Allison knocked on the door at Olivia's having not been there in a couple years but still remembering exactly how to get there.
"Allison," Amanda, Olivia's mom, greeted.
"How's Liv doing," Allison asked.
"Worn out and stressed," Amanda replied.
"I brought treats and baby things and can help for a while," Allison smiled, "I know how hard this is."
"You do," Amanda said, "who helped you?"
"My parents, Annie, Auntie Meg," Allison said, "but I had Asher."
"Are you two still together," Amanda asked.
"We are," Allison said, "we get married in six weeks."
"And your daughter," Amanda asked, "last I heard she was having some challenges."
"Everly is 4 now which I can't believe and has Spastic Cerebal Palsy affecting mainly her legs but she's walking with crutches," Allison said, "she's with my dad this afternoon. She wanted to come and loves babies but I didn't want to overwhelm Liv."
"She's just in the living room," Amanda said, "she was feeding Max."
"Does she want space," Allison asked, "I was never comfortable nursing in front of any one except Asher, my mom and Annie."
"It was a bottle. She's using some formula," Amanda replied, "with him being in the NICU at first she needs to supplement."
"It's a personal choice," Allison replied, "if I did it again I would supplement and wean sooner."
"How long did you," Amanda asked.
"Two and a half years," Allison replied, "we weren't ready. I let her decide and slowly she stopped asking so I let it go and then there was none and we were done."
"You let people in and support you," Amanda said, "I'm amazed she let you come."
"In some ways I get it," Allison said, "I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when Ev was born. The night before prom I was up all night with a screaming baby that just wanted to be held and nurse and I spent the entire night in the rocking chair with her."
"But you got through college," Amanda said.
"Yes," Allison replied.
"Then what's next," Amanda asked.
"Med school at UW," Allison answered, "I can do this. We can do it. Ash and I have to be a team but we've got this."
"That's probably the big difference is you have a partner," Amanda said, "you were young and scared but you were together."
"Allison," Olivia called.
"Can I come up or do you need a minute," Allison asked.
"He just finished his bottle and is asleep," Olivia replied, "come on."
Allison rushed up the stairs and sat on the couch with Olivia, "can I?"
"Okay," Olivia sounded worried.
"I know how to do this," Allison assured, "hello little Max. Olivia he's gorgeous."
"But he had surgery before he was born and we were in the nicu for 2 weeks," Olivia said.
"Doesn't mean he's not gorgeous," Allison replied, "and you had Annie and Arizona, they're the best. How's he doing?"
"He has to wear the monitor on his foot," Olivia said, "but I try not to worry about it unless it beeps."
Allison took a peak at the monitor's receiver on the coffee table, "looks good to me."
Max began to wiggle and fuss in Allison's arms, 'shh little man. I've got you. Auntie Allie is right here."
"He just had a whole bottle," Olivia said.
"I don't know how much that is," Allison admitted, "we went by when she wouldn't take anymore and I learned to judge how I was feeling to see if she ate enough."
"Should he have another," Olivia asked.
"He might just need to suck on something," Amanda said coming into the room, she noticed Allison had already let the baby start sucking on her pinky finger.
"What are you doing," Olivia asked.
"I did it with Ev," Allison said, "it would calm her until we could get the pacifier."
"How do you know all this," Olivia asked.
"That trick I learned from Auntie Meg," Allison said, "have you tried skin to skin when he's fussy?"
"Not since the hospital," Olivia said.
"We would do it," Allison said, "those first couple weeks when I was exhausted I laid on my bed or the couch with her on my chest and let her feed when and as much as she wanted."
"Should I try," Oliva asked.
"I would," Allison said, "if you want me to go I can."
"You've done it," Olivia said, "with a sick baby."
"I have," Allison agreed, "in the hospital with nurses inspecting was the worst. I get it when she was a new born but after her shunt no thanks. She was 5 months old."
"It doesn't feel natural," Olivia said.
"It takes practice," Allison agreed, "I did it for two and a half years. Ev wasn't fully done until after we went to Europe when she was 2."
"Really," Olivia asked.
"We went to a don't offer but don't refuse thing once she was about 18 months," Allison said, "and she slowly wanted to less and less and then she went a few days without asking and one day she wanted to but there was no milk so we were done. By that point there wasn't much anyway. She still crawls in my lap and cuddles for comfort."
"He's pretty calm with you," Amanda observed.
"I love babies," Allison admitted, "I was so scared when Ev was this little I didn't get to enjoy it."
"You were so young," Amanda said.
"Too young," Allison admitted.
"Do you regret it," Olivia asked.
"No," Allison said, "then she wouldn't be Everly and I wouldn't have Ash. I think it's how it was supposed to happen."
"Have you ever," Olivia asked.
"I've questioned if I could do it and I've get like a failure a lot but I've never regretted it," Allison said, "I question if I can do it all the time."
"What do you do," Olivia asked.
"I talk to Ash and my mom or Annie," Allison said, "sometimes I just need to go run."
"Like run away," Olivia asked.
"Around the block," Allison replied.
"You still run," Olivia asked.
"Most days," Allison replied, "I have to exercise for my mental health. Liv it's okay to need a break and do things for you and take care of yourself. I wish I would have listened to that sooner. When was the last time you went outside?"
"Before he was born," Olivia admitted.
"Get your stroller we're going for a walk," Allison declared.
"His heart," Olivia asked.
"Liv, do you just want to go with Allie," Amanda offered, "I can watch Max and let you catch your breath. You were up all night with him."
"I don't want to leave him," Olivia replied.
"Just take his monitor with you," Amanda said, "Olivia go outside with Allie."
"If he's not happy," Olivia asked.
"We come back," Allison said, "Ev used to love it. Liv whatever you need. I can help. I want to help."
"Olivia it's okay," Amanda assured.
Allison helped Olivia get organized to go out.
"How was Everlys party," Olivia asked.
"She loved her space themed pool party," Allison smiled, "we had her whole pre school class all 16 kids came plus a few others from swimming and family studies and we had fun."
"How is she four and we graduated 4 years ago," Olivia asked.
"We're both moms," Allison said.
"Ava," Olivia asked.
"She's great as auntie Ava," Allison assured, "and she's an incredible nurse. She's looked after Ev a couple times in the hospital."
"She came to see us in the NICU," Olivia said.
"She graduates in December," Allison said, "she's ready."
"I want to go to college," Olivia said, "but Max and it's too late."
"I did it," Allison said, "Liv your parents will help."
"You had Asher," Olivia snapped.
"I do," Allison said, "that adds it's own challenges. I love him and couldn't do it without him"
"I don't know his last name," Olivia admitted, "I never got his number."
"Liv," Allison sighed.
"I feel like such a slut," Olivia said.
"I did too," Allison admitted, "dirty and used. The morning after we made her and I realised what we did when I woke up next to him naked."
Olivia nodded tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Liv," Allison said pulling her friend into a hug, "you can do it. I'll help."
"But after what I said," Olivia said.
"Neither of us were thinking clearly," Allison said, "I forgave you a long time ago. It might take a while before I let you see Ev without me there again. I'm really protective of her."
"I can't do this," Olivia sobbed.
"What do you want to do," Allison asked.
"I want to keep him but I'm scared," Olivia cried.
"Would any of your friends know how to get a hold of his dad," Allison asked.
"One might but she stopped talking to me when I found out and stopped going out," Olivia said.
"Liv you need a group of moms," Allison said.
"Do you have one," Olivia asked.
"Carmen, Eden, Alyssa, and Ciena from my family studies class," Allison said, "we've all gone to college with our kids and get together every other week with the kids."
"You see Eden and Carmen a lot," Olivia said, "I see your instagram."
"We do," Allison said, "Eden more so socially but Carmen at school she's in Ava's nursing chotort. Eden is engaged to Jonah from highschool so we see them more because Ash and Jonah play on the same basketball and baseball teams. Eden and I sit in the stands with the kids sometimes."
"How do I find them," Olivia asked.
"I don't know we kinda got lumped together senior year," Allison said, "there were 25 of us in the program that year. Ciena is a year younger but she's in school and living on her own. Eden lives with Jonah, Carmen is on her own and so is Alyssa. We support each other. I know our kids are older but it's my turn to host on Wednesday come. Bring Max and join us. We've all had babies."
"Do others have needs," Olivia asked.
"Ev," Allison replied, "and Courtney, Ciena's daughter, has speech delays."
"And is she okay," Olivia asked.
"It's hard on Ciena but the girls are in the same preschool and early intervention class," Allison answered, " Courtney is bubbly and fun and really sweet; she just doesn't talk much."
"If I bring Max," Olivia asked.
"We'll all want to hold him," Allison said, "and can talk you through it all. We're a good group, they get it."
"What about his dad," Oliva asked, "will they ask?"
"No," Allison said, "or they will but don't care. Eden knows but he's a dead beat and has only met Joshua once or twice, Jonah gets called dad. Carmen knows but might see Marco once a year when he brings Taylor a Christmas gift, he does pay child support. Alyssa has zero contact and Ciena has no last name or phone number, he was in college at the time and she was in 11th. Courtney and Ev are a week apart, Ev was the youngest baby that year for that class. Joshua is the oldest."
"Will they be okay with me," Olivia asked, "do they know what I said?"
"They do," Allison said, "because I needed friends who got it."
"So Wednesday," Olivia asked.
"My place 4:30 ish," Allison said, "we do breakfast for dinner. I'm making waffles and Turkey sausages with fresh berries. We'll eat around 5 for the kids done around 7. Kids will play and destroy my house but will be happy and Max will get cuddles so you can eat and rest."
"Will they mind," Olivia asked.
"No," Allison said, "and I'd look into those medical mom or heart mom online groups. We're part of a couple CP ones and it helps."
"I broke him," Olivia whined.
"No," Allison said, "you didn't. You know Ev has a heart problem that we're monitoring and should be fine but I blamed myself. I found out about that on my 18th birthday. I blamed myself that I didn't make her healthy and safe."
"I was getting high a lot," Olivia admitted, "I didn't know until 7 weeks because I was so high and drinking. Then my mom confronted me about the drinking and partying and asked when my last period was she had noticed things I hadn't. I knew my bras were tight and annoying but when my mom asked about my period."
"I went to my sister," Allison said, "she ran blood work and helped me tell mom."
"Your dad," Olivia asked.
"He was upset and worried but never lost it on me," Allison said, "or Asher. I think they blamed themselves. I was 17, floundering didn't know what I wanted next or even to major in. I was partying way to much and drinking until I didn't remember it the next day."
"What got you to stop," Olivia asked.
"I have depression," Allison admitted, "telling my parents that and how I felt. I was constantly inferior to my siblings. But getting help for the depression which is why I was drinking helped. I was grounded when they found out how bad it was and the video of me drunk got posted online. Then before my longest grounding ever ended we found out I was pregnant so that wa that."
"Do you drink," Olivia asked.
"I'll have one or two sometimes," Allison said, "I haven't been drunk since. I can't. I can't be a good mom drunk or even tipsy and I can't lose a day to being hung over."
"Do you miss it," Olivia asked.
"No," Allison said, "I don't. My happiest memories I've been completely sober. I've also been around adults socially drinking my whole life. Mine never hid it. Mom will have a glass of wine and dad likes a beer with other people. When it's just us home it's always been water or tea."
"Your friends," Olivia asked.
"I learned who my friends were," Allison said, "and I made others. People who like and accept Ev."
"Do they exist," Olivia asked.
"They do," Allison replied, "Liv your a mom. Forgive yourself and love Max. "
"I'm scared," Olivia said.
"So am I," Allison agreed, "why are you scared."
"I didn't know I could love another person like this it's overwhelming," Olivia replied.
"When he looks at you," Allison said.
"Holding my finger," Olivia said.
"She still reaches up for me in the morning to get her out of bed," Allison said, "and cuddles into me when I pick her up."
"He makes this little face when he's eating that just makes me smile," Olivia smiled.
"Mommy come play," Allison laughed, "or mommy look what I can do."
"Can I do this," Olivia asked.
"You can," Allison assured, "and you have people who love you and want to help. Let them."
"When did you forgive yourself," Olivia asked.
"I don't know," Allison replied, "but it's gotten easier as she's become more independent. The new born days were hardest or when she's had surgeries. Surgery is hell absolutely hell she's in pain and angry and scared and I can't fix it. Nothing I can do takes away the pain. But we cry together and get through it."
"If I went back to school," Olivia asked, "real estate was my dads idea but I hate it. I love writing and I write for myself I want to do something with it."
"Then do it," Allison said, "it's totally doable. Even if you take one class at a time. Dream job?"
"Publishing," Olivia said, "I'd like to be an editor."
"Then we'll figure it out," Allison said, "there's lots of scholarships for single moms or young moms. I've gotten a few."
"But your not single," Olivia said.
"Ash and I aren't married," Allison said, "legally I am for six more weeks. I'm always honest about my situation. Just be honest and people will help. Apply to schools and take one class. One class at a time or two classes. It's a start Liv."
"When did you get so zen and calm," Olivia asked.
"Motherhood," Allison replied.
They walked back to Olivia's making small talk.
"I'm going to go," Allison said, "Ev is with my dad but I need to get her ready to go to a princess party for Morgan's birthday. She's wearing her Belle costume."
"Thanks for every thing," Olivia smiled hugging Allison.
"Always," Allison promised.
"And Wednesday," Olivia asked.
"Come bring Max and a diaper bag," Allison said, "it's always breakfast for dinner. It started as breakfast when the kids were littler but the breakfast part has stayed."
"Wine," Olivia asked.
"Nope it's a dry event," Allison said, "I'll have tea and coffee. Kids like cocoa as a treat. Just come and bring yourself. If you like it we'll add you to the rotation."
They quickly said goodbye and Allison headed home. She hoped that this would be what her friend needed to gain some focus and perspective. Olivia hadn't been bad just lost then followed the wrong groups. Allison knew her friend was easily led and a follower who just wanted to be liked and didn't really know who she was, Olivia had reinvented herself for every boyfriend and sought social media likes and followers over meaningful friendships thinking that popularity would be the key to happiness. The long lonely days with a new born, the nights she sat up feeding and soul searching would hopefully be good for Olivia. Allison knew that she had done a lot of soul searching on those late nights with Everly, when it was just her and her daughter awake gazing into Everly's little face deciding who she wanted to be, what did Everly need her mom to be and what example was she going to set for her daughter. Allison had made a lot of decisions while up late at night with Everly, often staying in the rocking chair longer than she needed to with her daughter deciding, who did Allison want to be, and what was she going to teach her daughter that it meant to be a woman.